Thursday, January 14, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Freezing, Fighting, and Failing

GOOD LORD. That was over when he crossed the 20. His own 20. Supreme blocking by the Chiefs there. The Texans aren't covering kicks well. Oh, a flag. Alex Smith throwing deep? That's new. He missed, though.


Seriously, Hoyer? How do you throw the pass there? Berry would have picked that off if it exploded. Wait, what? The Texans get it right back off the tip and that wasn't the best throw either. The Texans' plan seems to be "Throw it to Hopkins" and that's the best plan they can possibly have. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Did Hoyer run into his own lineman? Oh, it was the other way around. Jeez.




Field goal is good. Somehow it's only 10-0. Still nothing from the Texans' offense? No? OK. Just making sure.


Dude didn't have quite enough speed to reach the edge there. 13-0. Blue breaks off a badly needed big run. Grimes is from somewhere around here. Let's check. Watt AND Wilfork on offense? BOB's gotten desperate. WATT TOOK THE SNAP FROM CENTER. WHAT IS THIS. Then THAT happened.


Wow, Hoyer. That's a place where you're actually better off taking the sack.


They called that a catch? I don't think so. Good challenge, O'Brien. And Hoyer rewards him by throwing up a punt. This is Ryan Lindley-esque. Spencer Ware just trucked two guys. How did that fizzle out?
Oh, right. Grimes went to Paul VI. Now Hoyer's taking time outs two and a half minutes into the third quarter. And then he was lucky to not have THAT pass picked off. Three-yard pass on 3rd and 10? I'd boo too, Houston. I'd boo too.


Alex Smith just outran the entire city of Houston. But it won't count because of offensive holding. What, Gruden? 48-21 in his last... 50? What? Meanwhile, that touchdown pass by Smith could have easily gone the other way. Wait, what happened to Maclin?


And it looks like Watt went out on the same play. Touchdown Ware and this farce needs to end. This is a career-ending performance by Hoyer here. It's not like these picks are tipped or off of bad routes or things like that. He's throwing it right to these guys. It is the Jake Delhomme game again.


It's hard to shut a team out, man. The drought is over! (Chiefs 30, Texans 0)

McCarron was 4 months old? Lord. That's fair catch interference or something. Sweet pooch punt. You don't see those any more. But why in God's name are you punting from your opponent's 38? We got some extracurriculars here? Hit was kinda late, but an assistant coach shoved Nelson, they're saying. He grabbed his arm, but, really?


Is this rain or snow? OK, rain. Couldn't tell on that replay. Fumble! Bengals keep it. 3rd and 23? Let's run it! Grand. Now we have an unsportsmanlike conduct on the Bengals after that sack. FUMBLE. The heck? Wheaton just dropped it. Wait, is that Boomer? That was... odd. Problem at the stadium, it sounds like. That's the worst interception I've seen all day and I watched the first game.
That's uncatchable. Field goal is GOOD and we have points finally. McCarron just barely avoided another bad pick.


The Steelers can't get out of their own way. That's a vicious hit on Wheaton. I know why it was called at full speed.


Good LORD, A.J. I don't think you're any good but are you actually THIS bad? Big run by Hill, which the Bengals needed. Fumble? Oh boy. OH NO. Two fumbles and the Steelers get them both. This is a Steelers touchdown.


Oh, but it's not. They're saying (correctly) that the second fumble wasn't a fumble. And the Steelers still can't get into the end zone.


Great catch by A.J. Green. Uh-oh, Brown got loose. And now the Steelers are barking at Burfict. Touchdown Bryant. Wait, WHAT? He pinned it against his leg, got both feet in, and flipped over!




That feels like game over. Don't understand that 2-point try by Tomlin, but it still feels like game over. That's incomplete. Overturn it! Not the Bengals' best playcalling tonight. But they've got a quarterback who can't throw downfield with any accuracy. Shazier just killed Gio Bernard. Now Jeremy Hill's trying to fight four Steelers. Also, that was a fumble.


(We would find out after the game that this SHOULD have been a penalty.) Shazier will be down there, but it's Steelers ball and this game is definitely over. I think the fans are madder at the hit than the turnover. Thanks for the Burfict warning, Tracy. He's sure to do something moronic in the next five minutes. He just crushed Ben on that sack, so maybe that'll calm him down. We may need Sam Wyche to give a speech at this point. That's the Bengals' second-best play of the night. Ben's out? Wow. And touchdown Bengals at the same time. Oh, Landry Jones is the No. 2 ahead of Vick? That's... interesting.




Did Simms just say "The tables have switched?" That's... not how that goes. Nice diving catch by Eifert. Not sure about this decision. I might have gone for it. Though I think that it's McCarron — who has not been good tonight by any stretch — had a lot to do with it. We just had a false alarm on Roethlisberger, too. Landry does... nothing. That's a clutch return by Pacman and the Bengals suddenly have a chance. 3rd and 1 and you're lining up in an empty backfield? Marvin and Hue are confusing me tonight. Good catch, Marvin Jones. A.J. GREEN!!! TOUCHDOWN BENGALS!!!


Everyone was out of position. Go for two, Marvin. Good job. The hell was that? Then Jones throws a pick to Burfict. Where is he going? Good thing he was down — Nantz just name-checked Jim Marshall. And then the Bengals fumble it right back? Does nobody want to win this game? I don't understand anything any more.


Also, I'm pretty sure I didn't win Powerball — those numbers look nothing like my numbers. I mean, I want Hue Jackson to coach the Eagles next but I haven't liked anything about his game plan tonight. How much arm does Ben have? We honestly don't know.


4th and 3 and you have to go. What do they do? I mean, you have to cover Brown, Bengals. Flag? Flag. Yeah, Burfict went after Brown's head. NOW what? Now another penalty on Adam Jones and the Bengals just cost themselves this game. There's so much to process here.


Why was Steelers assistant Joey Porter on the field? Will Brown be able to play next week? Boomer is LIVID. Bart Scott chastising anyone for playing dirty is pretty rich, if we're being real. Cowher just took a shot at Lewis. Is this the game that gets him fired?


Everything is terrible. (Steelers 18, Bengals 16)

When's the last time any of these dudes were up this early for work? I'm not talking about the players, either.


And ESPECIALLY Al. Bud Grant's still alive?


Wait, Bennett jumped offsides? THAT'S never happened before. That tidbit about his daughter complaining about it was hilarious. That was... well scouted, I'll call it. Sneak on 4th and 1? OK. Hey, it worked.


1485 seems like a low number for the league's leading rusher. Let's look into that, too. That was... also well-scouted. Seahawks guarding against a fake here? And would the Vikings really run one two weeks in a row? Guess not. The Lynch saga this week was odd — seemed fine all week, then ruled out on Saturday morning. Bad snap on the punt! Ryan probably didn't have to try to hurdle three guys to get the first down (and he didn't). Peterson had to fight for that last yard. Looked it up and it's the lowest total for a rushing champion since 2007. Feels like every play is into traffic. Not sure what happened with Wilson there. This is a key spot. First down. Don't challenge this. See? Russ is losing equipment. So Ryan's out to punt again. How does this go? Another low snap but he gets the punt off this time. Thomas just barely caught up to McKinnon to break that pass up. Good fake on the Wilson option run. Delay of game? They've been playing with that fire all day so far. Wait, what? They go for it on 4th and 13 from the Vikings' 30 and throw an underneath route to Fred Jackson? Good job, guys.


Did Al just say "Jeff" Harbaugh? Pass interference? That's the biggest play of this game. And it'll all be for naught. That's grounding, not a fumble. Baldwin!! Someone forgot to block Floyd. Now it's 4th and 3 and everybody's convoluted. This game ending 3-0 is legitimately in play, isn't it?


Especially after that interception. That late hit on Bridgewater helps no one. Well, except the Vikings. Kick is good. Now the Seahawks' offensive line is getting exposed again.


And then they commit a horse-collar on the punt return. I don't think they want to win this game. Crucial catch by Diggs on 3rd and short. The Seahawks came after that field goal attempt but didn't quite get there. 9-0 and it feels like it's over. Oh wow. They just showed the replay of the field goal and it was closer than even I thought it was. Bad snap... and Wilson tries to salvage it, and finds Lockett completely open and he gets to the Vikings' 4.


Touchdown Baldwin and it's a game all of a sudden. Then Peterson fumbles! Seahawks ball! Chancellor took it out of his hands. And the Seahawks cash in with a field goal and take the lead. The Vikings needed to not go three-and-out on this drive. Wilson was lucky that wasn't intercepted. The Seahawks have turned it up another notch defensively on this series.
Was that a catch? No? Wouldn't have mattered anyway because of the holding call. They got Chancellor for pass interference? Hey, a Kyle Rudolph sighting!


Al: "Well, we finally got to zero. I told you it was gonna warm up today." LOL at the Vikings acting like Peterson got that first down. He wasn't even close. Here comes the kick. NO GOOD!!










And it wasn't even close! My God. (Seahawks 10, Vikings 9)





Too many patterns, Pereira. Too. Many. Patterns. The Packers have a center playing left tackle this week? Good Lord. That's a false start on that dude. Safety! This is how it's gonna be, isn't it? I see Desean's already pissing people off. Jordan Reed is a mismatch against what's left of this defense. Great, now Desean's got reason to run his mouth. Or not. No touchdown.


Oh, NOW the Packers are gonna make a stand? Well then. SO just a field goal. Oh, boy, Rodgers. Missed Cobb by a mile.
It really seems like the Packers' defense is going to have to win this game for them.
Number 10? I doubt RG3's on the punt team, stripes. Reed just saved Cousins from an interception and possibly a deficit. Reed destroyed the seam on that touchdown. Is that a "USA!" chant? Morons. Missed extra point! We got an elevener, guys!


Hey, the Packers got a first down finally. Feels like James Jones has saved this offense at times. Cobb is the Packers' leading rusher. The Packers caught the Redskins scrambling and Rodgers found Cobb for the touchdown.


This kickoff holder story and Aikman saying he never held on kicks reminds me that Jay Novacek was actually the holder for those Cowboys teams. There's Garcon down the middle. Yeah, this Redskins offensive line has done a good job protecting Cousins. Jinx? Jinx! Packers get the fumble. Good play by the WR-turned-CB on the Redskins to break that up. Crosby's kick is good. 11-10.
He was down anyway. This two-minute drill is going well for the Packers so far. Pot Roast and Baker were teammates in high school? That's kind of cool actually. Good time for Adams to actually hold on to a pass. Whoa, how'd Adams get that open in the end zone? Packers lead because the Redskins are vulnerable on the back end. We're doing tackle-eligibles on the first play of the second half, Redskins? You're only down one; no need to panic. Cousins hasn't missed on this drive, which is kind of remarkable and exactly what the Redskins need right now. Third down quarterback keeper? OK. Touchdown Redskins. The Packers, at the very least, are getting into short yardage situations on later downs. Don't challenge this spot. DON'T. Good. Lacy just got 11 yards on 4th and 1 and that was big. The next 30 yards he just got were even bigger. Touchdown Starks and the Packers lead again. Another thing I'll have to look up is how many of Lacy's best games this season were called by Buck and Aikman. (Well, at least three and maybe four of the five times he broke 85 yards rushing, Buck and Aikman were on the call.) The Packers aren't even pretending they haven't switched gears. And the Redskins can't stop it. Starks. More Starks. Lacy. Touchdown. Odd time for a "Go Pack Go" chant. This may not even be reviewable. Tough last couple of plays for Randall. First Reed falls on him and then he gets wiped out by his teammate going for the interception. Did Reed stop short on that 3rd down attempt or did Cousins misfire? No matter.


Yeah, we haven't heard Desean's name at all since the first quarter. Cousins gets sacked on 4th and 10 and that'll put this on ice. This was a hard 35. Don't fret, Kirk. You're about to become ridiculously overpaid.


Meanwhile, if the Packers can keep this up, they may have a chance after all. (Packers 35, Redskins 18)

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