Thursday, December 17, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Un-Sticky Fingers

That's a fumble, folks. But was it recovered? Whoa, maybe it's not. That was closer than I thought it was the first time. Bridgewater has a bottom-5 receiving corps. The Stefon Diggs revolution lasted two weeks. AD going HAM seems to be the Vikings' best chance tonight — I don't see their outmanned defense slowing down the Cardinals. Like, exactly like that. And the Cardinals just demonstrated what I was originally talking about. Without Barr and Smith, it's going to he hard for the Vikings to contain these guys. Seriously, if the Vikings could do this consistently, I'd give them a better chance here. Fumble! It's getting chippy out there. How is it the two-minute warning already. Whoa! Another big play by the Vikings. Don't just stand there. Run a play! Pass interference? OK. And Bridgewater gets sacked. So they'll kick a field goal and tie it, which seems fair. Good blitz pickup by Peterson. ANOTHER turnover?


Wow. Why the hell would you ever call a play that involves putting the ball in Peterson's hands only to subsequently take it OUT of his hands? Jeez, Floyd got a convoy to the end zone.


Rhodes almost turned the tables there. I'm not sure how he didn't intercept that, really. Palmer got drilled and still made that throw. Touchdown David Johnson? The Vikings have been getting beaten on the edge all night. He's out of bounds. Feels like the Vikings really need to hold here. And they do. Patterson just doesn't look as fast as he did. Safety blitz? Are the Vikings that close? That was about a 12-step drop Bridgewater took. 54 yards for Walsh. Good! That punt was almost blocked. Two penalties? Sheesh. Who is 48? And why is he getting the ball on a 3rd down, as successful as it was? I'M MIKE WALLACE. This has been the best TNF of the year. And it hasn't been close.


Wait, what? What happened there? The ball was tipped and an O-lineman caught it? I thought it was a run that the camera got caught out on at first. David Johnson has adequately replaced Chris. Someone screw up a route? Not the best throw by Palmer but the risk paid off and this is a much easier field goal now if they're held to that. Kick is GOOD. The Cards stay blitzing, man. Someone missed a coverage assignment. That's a... fumble? Whatever it was, the Vikings' line fell apart again.


(Cardinals 23, Vikings 20)

Signal Finder: BUF @ PHI, DAL @ GB

Holy hell, Jaguars. So much for the Colts ruling the AFC South with an iron fist. The Jags haven't beaten anyone down that badly since they sent Marino and Jimmy Johnson into retirement.


(Jaguars 51, Colts 16)



McCoy split out wide. Mostly boos now. Cox worked Incognito on that sack. Now it looks like Ryan Mathews is starting for the Eagles. Every time Riley Cooper beats someone, it's shocking. But I don't think this will count. Nope. Murray gets a first down and cheers. How did Ertz get so open? Touchdown Sproles. Somehow no one's anywhere near Robert Woods. That's a great throw by Taylor to Watkins and the safety help didn't come fast enough. We're tied.


Watkins needs to catch that one. He's the Bills' best playmaker as we've seen. I know for a FACT that there's a sporting goods store closer to Hamilton Township than Sewell. Wow, the Bills blew up the Eagles' offensive line on that 3rd down attempt. Who was that Taylor jumped over? Oh, Kendricks. Don't poke THAT bear, LeSean. Think that was Kiko covering McCoy on that 3rd down route.


They punt. That was uneventful. Muffed punt? Eagles ball! It's "Braman", not "Barman", guys. We'll also ignore that the hit had nothing to do with the misplay (and, in fact, came after it). Also ,Peters hobbled off again. So many penalties. Agholor! Good for him. Kid's been fighting himself all year.


There's the sorta-big run McCoy wanted to break off. Taylor escapes the pocket for a good gain. Who screwed up there? No matter. Hey, a Jordan Matthews sighting. Why is Ajirotutu on the field?
Barwin may have gotten away with a late hit at the end of that. Good work by Cooper to break a tackle, then work his way back to the sideline and get out of bounds. Oh, his knee was down. That's unhelpful. That gained... two yards? Good Lord, NOW what? Oh, OK. He did get out of bounds. Cooper sort of dove sideways out of bounds and that threw the officials off. Who's struggling more today, the officials or the announcers? Geez. That looks about 10 yards longer than it was.


You get a carry! And YOU get a carry! And YOU get a carry! Hogan's out of bounds. Why throw a 4-yard hitch, Bills? That was about three Eagles who hit the punt returner out of bounds. NATHAN ENDERLE. What a list of quarterbacks. Not sure how Cox didn't corral Taylor there. Someone named Gillislee just ran through the Eagles like a knife through butter. We're tied.


Huff almost fumbled that but he was out of bounds. Bad too-high throw by Bradford but a great play by McKelvin to take it away from Celek. The ball hits the ground but he held on. Lurie disagrees. Why'd that McCoy run get wiped out? Solomon Wilcots mentioning Eric Rowe, who's locked down Watkins since the switch. Bradford got creamed and rushed that throw to Ertz, who wasn't ready for it. I'm kind of amazed that the NFL is letting ads for Concussion run during their games.


Cox just got his payback. (Incognito can't handle him, by the way.) Wait, what's all this? Oh, Chip was saying Watkins was out of bounds.


He wasn't. Good stop on 3rd down. Ertz street-fought his way down the field there. The Bills have jumped at least three times today. Oh, four? Thanks, guys. At least they can get a field goal, though a first down there all but ends the game, I think. Incognito just held Cox, setting the Bills back some more. Christ, Bradford. You can't get sacked there.


First time we've heard Mario Williams' name today? ED REYNOLDS! You could see that interception coming, too. Taylor threw up an air ball and that's what happens when you throw up air balls.


L. O. L. crosses off Bills (Eagles 23, Bills 20)

Looks like Dalton got caught in between making the tackle or not making the tackle. It's AJ McCARRON time. Now Eifert's coming off? Concussion protocol. Didn't he just go through this? I never thought I'd utter the phrase "Season-altering injury for Andy Dalton" but here we are. (Steelers 33, Bengals 20)

So the Warriors, Chris Weidman, and Jose Aldo are all no longer undefeated. How about it, Panthers? No? Oh. OH.


Christ. *crosses off Falcons* (Panthers 38, Falcons 0)

Why did the Packers stop running the ball? That's McFadden's longest run in a while. LOOOOOOOOOL. I hate the moment of indecision that sometimes comes with an interception in the end zone. Take the knee! Just take the knee! And predictably, the Packers come out humming. Good job overcoming those penalties by an overmatched offensive line. It seems like Joe Buck is Eddie Lacy's good luck charm.


And replay says this is true. Sneak? Didn't make it. Still the right decision. Good job, Cowboys. Starks' speed made that touchdown happen. Troy with a visual aid! This'll be fun. Dez just bailed Cassel out. Or did he? Apparently not. Against the same team, even. (He did get robbed this time.) I'm more than a little surprised that James Jones is allowed to wear that hoodie. The packers love John Kuhn, man. Touchdown Rodgerses. And the half ends with Cassel being sacked. Surprised that the Packers haven't used Cobb out of the backfield more often with the struggles they had for a few weeks. Robert Turbin? The Cowboys have another Seahawks castoff at running back? McFadden again. Turbin again and touchdown Cowboys. That was a better Chip Kelly drive than most Chip Kelly drives this year. Lang may be the Packers' best remaining lineman and Hardy beat him down for that sack. I don't know why Dez jumped, either. Where are you going with this, Buck? He's had a rough season? We know that. The Cowboys keep running pass plays short of the first down marker. A muffed punt? Not surprising given the weather. But it seems like we've had more of those this year than normal, too. That's a crucial run by Aaron Rodgers. Starks! You can't tackle a guy by his head, Cowboys. This offense can't do anything. It's not all Cassel's fault: Dez can't catch anything and they can't run the ball (and haven't all year, really). Also their secondary is still hot garbage, and that Hardy sack earlier was his first in about a month, but those are defensive issues and have nothing to do with Cassel either. OK, Lacy just took the entire Cowboys defense with him to the goal line. I mean all of them. Like, guys were being pulled off the sideline into that pile. I'm pretty sure Cobb ended up tackling him. Touchdown Lacy and that's that. (Packers 28, Cowboys 7)

FLEXING. (Suck it, Ravens.) GRONK RISES. "NRG Stadium?" I see what you did there. Well, that didn't work. God punt return by an ex-Texan. LaFell touchdown? Oops. Guy who was eligible was covered up by receiver lining up incorrectly. That feels like bad play design if that happens. That didn't take long. Wait, Nate Washington's in Houston now?


That's why they're the Texans. Feels like we haven't seen Blount in a month and a half. I mean, I know we have, but he's done so little.
"Young Folks" as coach bio music? OK. Blount's hurt now? That's a good punt. The old Oilers theme? GRONK. Collinsworth: "Just not a fair fight." Is this worth a challenge? I guess so, and it worked. I then thought the White catch should have been worth a challenge but he caught that cleanly. But they're challenging this one, too? See, that doesn't look like it's touching the line. WOW. I did not think they'd overturn that. Washington's only good for one of those a game — they've gone to the well too many times. They need to get Hopkins free somehow. They're taking way too many deep shots. Now they have to punt. PATRIOTS SPECIAL TEAMS. And even after Martin muffed it, 22 had it and it got away from him.


Do the Texans only have three pass plays? They're going for a 4th and 4. That's game. Obligatory Robert Kraft Shot. Hey, a deep pass worked more than once. Fumble? No, this is an incomplete pass. His arm's clearly going forward. THAT'S a fumble. At least the Texans got it back and can now punt. Clowney just sacked Brady, and beat a double team to boot. And Ninkovich returns the favor on Hoyer. And another sack on Brady. Pass protection has become a vicious rumor. Who's this Sheard dude? And this is also a fumble and Patriots ball.


Touchdown White and that's a wrap. Who the hell calls a Wildcat play in 2015? Why are Brady and Gronk still in this game? Besides the fact that Belichick must destroy a soul fully before he consumes it, I mean. There's T.J. Yates, which means this game is over. (Patriots 27, Texans 6)

The Dolphins should bring these uniforms back. I don't like the new color scheme. Fumble? Fumble. SOMEONE GET THAT. Fine.


Did Landry just levitate? That was effective. Touchdown Miller and it looked easy. I don't have a good feeling about these tactics, Giants. Especially since it looks like Suh's interested tonight.


Tannehill just barely overshot Williams, who would have had a touchdown. That was unfortunate. Suddenly Rashad Jennings found a hole to run through. Hey, Randle made a play. Well it had been three weeks. This is smarter, Giants. There you go. Touchdown Randle.


Miller again! That's the down side of that club on JPP's hand. Can't really tackle with it. Also, nobody can tackle any more. Jennings has been the Giants' best back so far tonight. Fumble! Eli and Williams screwed up the handoff. Get down, Reshad Jones! Don't run with it in a pile! The Dolphins need to start getting touchdowns out of these. There's Beckham for about 40 yards. Plus roughing the passer? Lord. 31 on the Dolphins can't believe Will Tye just scored on him.


Stills lit up what's left of the Giants' secondary. Prince never saw the ball. Oh, NOW Darkwa shows up midway through the third? What kind of sense does that make? I  mean, the Dolphins can't stop Jennings. Stick with him. Man. That would have been a great touchdown catch. And it might actually have supposed to have been one. And the refs say it was! Beckham, man. That's crazy.


I don't get that challenge. Coughlin's losing it. That punt went so far it knocked Harris back. Two penalties later and the Giants are at midfield. Brown MISSED? Refs missed DRC holding Parker there. Hey, Dolphins! Good job not covering Beckham, guys. That's good work by Tannehill to pump-fake, move and find Landry. The punting tonight has been top-notch. Landry just stupidly threw DRC to the ground in front of an official. That wasn't a good series. That pass to Harris was big for the Giants. And now we're reviewing another Beckham catch. That's a catch and... this game's over! The Giants didn't blow it! Amazing. crosses off Dolphins (Giants 31, Dolphins 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (13-0) — The Greg Olsen thing could bear watching
2. New England (11-2) — That's more like it
3. Arizona (11-2) — Business as usual, I suppose
4. Cincinnati (10-3) — The road just got a lot tougher

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (3-10) — Could probably leave now without complaint
30. San Francisco (4-9) — You can't lose to the Browns and not pay a price for it
31. Cleveland (3-10) — It's a Festivus MIRACLE
32. Tennessee (3-10) — Made the Jets look legitimately... legit
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