Thursday, December 3, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Nests and Pedestals

So, this whole thing about Murray sliding for no real reason near the end of Sunday's loss... has anyone considered the possibility that he just slipped? Because he's lost his footing twice today already and we're four plays in. Hey, Peters is back, and it looks like Kelce is at center, which was dicey. The Lions devoured that screen pass. This will be close. Peters is already walking off? First down. Face mask? That's bad. This kick doesn't look good, either. CLANG. Really, Lions? The first play? Some Eagle jumped offsides but got back well before the snap. Eagles' blitz got beaten pretty badly there. And again, and by Riddick again, this time for a touchdown.

Hey, a decent run by Murray. Trey Burton? Really? Also, why is Sanchez throwing blocks? They can't afford to lose anybody else. Celek? Celek! He almost didn't make it and now he's limping. Well, I guess Pereira doesn't need to be anywhere else today. Strahan has a suit line? "You're better than that, Troy." Apparently not. Stafford scrambling around like a seven-year-old in the backyard touch football game at 11 a.m. SOME of the additions haven't worked out. What the hell, Peyton? Who dips turkey in cheese? And what's happened to this Eagles defense?

Tate clowned Thurmond there. Ziggy Ansah's secretly having a big year. That was quick. That's a bad drop. Good job by the holder to rescue that snap.

Buck's telling truth right now: it's almost three years in and Chip still doesn't have a quarterback. Don't you have to switch Maxwell to Johnson? Rowe will get vaporized out there at some point. And as I say that he breaks up a pass in the end zone. Hey, a sack. That's a ridiculous throw by Stafford to Megatron. This one's over. And FOX thinks so, to, as we're going to unrelated construction footage before halftime.

And now, BIG SEAN. Wow, this dude sucks. How'd he get a record deal?

I'll never understand indoor pyro at these things. Oh look, another Lions receiver wide open. Carroll broke his ankle, I'm hearing. The tackling, as it does around the league every game, has looked awful. Megatron again. I'm watching college basketball and waiting for my aunt to get here. (The men's poll this week is one of the strangest I've seen in some time. Texas A&M's ranked? Vanderbilt's in the top 20? Bizarre.) Matthews got pasted. Fumble. Not sure how Maxwell got away with that one. That's a sympathy no-call. That was inevitable, I suppose.

The Patriots are gonna drop 50 on these dudes. (If they were healthy, I'd say 75.) Anyway, family will be here any minute. And they deserve better than this. (Lions 45, Eagles 14)

The lines for this game make me think Vegas is flush and wants to give all of its money back. I'm genuinely amazed Kurt Coleman is still in the league. God bless him, he's doing well, but he may be one of the worst players I've ever seen in an Eagles uniform. Jerricho Cotchery still doing things.

Why are the Panthers punting here? Go for it! They don't respect you anyway!


Bad Romo is back with a vengeance. BACK TO BACK TO THE SAME DUDE. Both were bad: Witten wasn't open on the second one (and he got actually crushed for it). The Panthers are going to score again, aren't they? Good job picking up that flag, refs. No, seriously. That wasn't on Jones. Luke Bryan? That makes sense. Is this "country girl, shake it for me" song even his song? I don't know, guys. Everyone was ripping this performance (and, indeed, 95% of today's country music is hot garbage) but at least Luke can sing somewhat. Big Sean's a rapper who can't rap. Cotchery again! We need to talk about how the Panthers' offensive line has blown away expectations, especially Michael Oher, who hasn't been this good since his rookie year. The Cowboys were offering token resistance up until that point. Oh, they called the leaping penalty on the field goal? Whoa. Cam scores! This may take a few minutes.

Look at THAT stat. Cam's outrushed the Cowboys by 30 yards. Romo's down AGAIN? Oh boy. And he's holding the shoulder again. That feels like a re-break. That's the third time that's happened to him. Rough.

So it's Cassel time again. This has actually been the Cowboys' best drive today. Feels like Dez has been pretty silent. I can't even see who caught that because of all the end zone cameras. Oh, it was Beasley. OK. 4th and 30? Christ. Remember when I said family deserved better than this? This wasn't really what I meant. Also, eat it, Vegas.

(Panthers 33, Cowboys 14)

That makes sense — normally either of these teams are in Detroit today, historically. WEATHER. Yeah, Eddie Lacy's back. Well, that was a bad idea. Collinsworth just described conditions as "slimy." Is Cutler trying to catch Rivers in the baby-making department? Lot of powerhouse programs on this Bears offense. That was a weird Rodgers interception. And that explains why, sort of. Collinsworth calling it a "good break." Lacy runs like a bull even when he's not being impeded. Wait, what? The Bears are saying he pulled a Desean? Yeah, that'd be hard to overturn. Wait, why WOULD this be a safety? I guess if it hit him instead of the other guy? Maybe? Kid's upset on the sideline but he did the right thing. Cutler tried to give that one back. Careful with that punt, Cobb. Lacy fumbled? Bears ball. I don't think Jeffrey ever got his feet down. Plus that was either a weird route he ran or the ball sailed on Cutler. That was close. How was Miller that open? Did literally everyone blitz? How does dude take that hit and keep going? Good job covering Starks, Bears. Solid stop. Look at the Bears driving. I'm not sure this is a touchdown. It's not. This, however, is. Who had the Bears leading at halftime? Apparently not the Packers. This didn't quite work. Of COURSE Favre comes out in a warmup jacket.

Best halftime of the day by far. What the HELL, Alshon. That's almost impossible to do. Penalties took this drive out back and shot it. Why is Rodgers out here hitting the A button? That was a waste. 4th and 29? Christ. Cutler's unleashed some corkers in this second half. Maybe the weather affecting it? And Rodgers got hurt on top of that? This game has ground to a halt. Feels like next score wins.




A triathlon? Favre doesn't seem like a swimmer. Here comes Rodgers. Whoa, they blew that dead? They usually don't. The Bears might win this game. Cutler got lucky to get that fumble back. I don't think the Packers have a first down in this quarter. There's one, and it took another Rodgers run to get it. Interception!

The Bears probably should have wanted to run more clock. Or gone for it on 4th down. Either one. Cobb just slipped a tackle and got about 20 more yards. Adams almost dropped that one. I think all Porter did to Jones was put his hand in front of his face. One more shot. Incomplete!

Thank the Gods, a good game. Also, holy crap, this is Cutler's first win in Lambeau. Eat up, Pops. (Bears 17, Packers 13)

Signal Finder: MIA @ NYJ, NYG @ WAS, BUF @ KC (end), PIT @ SEA

The Jets go for this because... oh, I don't know Because they felt like it? They probably should have made it. Ooof, Pryor popped Rishard Matthews. Flag? Oh wow, OPI on the other side. Eagle and Fouts thought it was two different things and they were both wrong.
Wait, this Williams guy has five picks? Fitzpatrick is the Jets' leading rusher. That snap was terribad. The Dolphins' corners couldn't deal with Marshall there. That's some bad tackling on that Landry screen.
Hey, there's former Jets first-round pick Quinton Coples, who was a disaster at linebacker for them. Good personnel deployment there, Rex. Terrible decision by Tannehill that worked out. Then on the next play, Jordan Cameron almost tried to drop that pass but couldn't. That didn't amount to anything either. Decker just got flipped. TWO Dolphins down here? Touchdown Jets. Good catch by the rookie Devin Smith. I thought the Jets were closer to the end zone after that punt return. Guess not. Eagle just said of Fitzpatrick: "He went from a Civil War general to a Brooklyn hipster in one trim." Decker fought for that touchdown. And the Jets just had an interception taken away from them. Not that they need it, but it's the principle of the thing. That's the first big play from the Dolphins and the third quarter's almost over. And that's the second. Touchdown Dolphins. Brandon Marshall is too much for these dudes.


Seriously, Marshall is killing Grimes out there. He just posted him up. Why are the Dolphins punting on 4th and 4 down by 21 points? Like Fouts just said, they're throwing the season away by doing that. And that Ivory touchdown tells you all you need to know. *crosses off Dolphins* (Jets 38, Dolphins 20)

Hakeem Nicks on that JPP career arc. Uh-oh, Eli. But that's Vereen's fault for not holding on. Uh-oh AGAIN, Eli. And that one was more his fault than the first — the throw was high and terrible. Maybe the Redskins will score this time. BLOCKED! High snap, but still.

The Redskins fail to capitalize again. Nicks! This... this is actually something. I think Harris is in the end zone and the Redskins will win this challenge. Yep. There was a moment during that pass to Morris where nobody realized how open he was, including Morris himself. That pass on the rollout was overthrown so badly it hit the play clock in the end zone and bounced back. The Redskins are moving in the wrong direction. Again, zero pass rush from the Giants. This kick's good. Desean just shredded the Giants' "secondary". This injury report on Schwartz changed like, three times. Now he's out with a broken leg. Feels like neither of these quarterbacks can stay on target. A 55-yard screen pass? The Giants are being schooled by a worse team, and the Giants are bad. This one's close. No touchdown, apparently. Does the one dude have blood on his pants? What is that? Cousins sneak! This is unconscionable.

Hey, Redskins, the Jets tried that already. WHAT THE HELL GIANTS. That was the Miles Austin play against the Buccaneers last week, so we'll put the blame on both Eli and Randle for that one. Who are these people making plays for the Redskins on defense? Now that pass by Eli — thrown while being taken down in the pocket — should have been intercepted, but wasn't.


Now what's this? We've got a pileup that turned into a scrum that degenerated into a donnybrook. That field goal should do it. That's a horse collar by DeAngelo Hall, who wouldn't have caught Beckham any other way. That's a good catch and sort-of run by Randle to get the Giants on the board finally. That punt was almost a disaster on both ends — nearly blocked, then Harris almost muffed it. Will Tye on a 4th down? Of course? Stony Brook? Stony Brook has football? A diving catch by Beckham in the end zone... for a touchdown!


Here's the thing about that: With the catch rules the way they are, it's legitimately not worth it to lay out for a pass like that any more because you'll never get the call. And now this comeback is legitimately possible. God, if the Redskins blow this. Whose hand is that in front of the camera? Placement, people. If Jay Gruden's smart that's the last risk he'll take with Cousins. Why in the blue hell did Harris field that punt? And did Coughlin not have the ability to make them re-kick it? Now the Giants have the ball at the 12 instead of the 25. Lot of stupid in this game. LOT of stupid. And the Redskins are in first place.

God help us. (Redskins 20, Giants 14)


That wasn't a catch? How? Jesus, Rex, throw the challenge flag. Really? That's a screwup. Taylor drops the ball, then picks it back up. Did he make it? No. So you're challenging a spot but not the obvious catch before that, Rex? OK, man. Suddenly the Chiefs are solidly in wild-card contention. (Chiefs 30, Bills 22)

Meanwhile, the Falcons may never win a game again. I mean, ever. (Vikings 20, Falcons 10)

Blaine Gabbert looks competent? Seriously, this may be the best game he's ever had. When's the last time Carson Palmer had a run that long? The Mesozoic Era? (Cardinals 19, 49ers 13)

The Steelers are in Seattle. This has been building for 10 years. I'm expecting three hours of rage. Huh. Not as many boos as I expected. Did the crowd collectively burn one before kickoff? Who designed those pass routes? Brown and, was that Bryant(?) almost collided. Rawls doing his best Beast Mode impersonation there. I swear Michael Bennett is offside six times a game. The Steelers are throwing the ball pretty well against the Seahawks so far. Does anyone besides Jim Nantz know the quarter is over? Anyone? OK, good. What? Ugly pass, poor result. Mike Tomlin does things like that on occasion. I've never seen them work.

Simms just completely misidentified who caught the touchdown pass. (It was Baldwin. I don't know how he got it wrong considering how ridiculously open Baldwin was.) They hit Chancellor with the horse-collar there? And the officials pull a Simms — it was Lane. Did Bryant make it? I can't say he didn't. That's some quality tightrope walking. Wait, Russell Wilson with time in the pocket? And Jimmy Graham with a big catch? Is it 2012? Graham again. Now Kearse just made a good catch and these pass defenses are being tested. Touchdown Kearse. I guess Sherman's been shadowing Brown all day? We haven't heard much from him. Man, Wheaton was BEGGING for that pass. Thank God Ben finally saw him. Nice open running lane for DeAngelo for the touchdown. Two-pointer here? Not sure why they tried it in this situation but it worked.
Now this I really don't get. Kicking the field goal here goes against everything Tomlin's done so far in this game. 77 intercepted a pass? And if he didn't get it, Chancellor would have. That... that's not possible. Graham CAUGHT. THAT. It was tipped, he dropped it, it was almost intercepted, and he still caught it. And Rawls cashes in immediately. And we're... NOT tied? What's up with Hauschka? Ben launched a rocket but Bryant couldn't hold on. Graham's down? Uh-oh. He's still down. He wasn't touched. Oh, jeez. They've got the hard brace out for Graham. That's probably a bad sign. Kearse again!


Wheaton just outran the Seahawks. Like, all of them. Ever. Nice tackling, Lane. First down Steelers. Roughing the passer? I swear, Bennett does at least three stupid things every game. That's a big run by Ben. Wait, what? Was Tomlin kidnapped by a pod person at halftime?

And now the Seahawks can do whatever they want. And what they want to do is have Baldwin torch this still-bad Steelers secondary. Two missed tackles on that. This time Hauschka makes the extra point and it's over.


Good point, Seth. Now what? This should probably be an incomplete pass. Wait, no. That's an interception. I think Carey's wrong (as usual). Or, at least, he's interpreting the rule incorrectly. Replay's not the problem, Nantz. The problem is the rules don't make any fucking sense. On another note, I didn't realize Landry Jones threw that pass until they said that Ben was out.


This really helped the Seahawks. This... may hurt the Steelers more than we realize right at this moment. (Seahawks 39, Steelers 30)


"Brady vs. Osweiler" just doesn't have the same ring to it. Huh. Snow. That punt was less than ideal.

This snow accelerated quickly. Yeah, you're not stopping Gronk with a weak sauce tackle attempt like that. So "Omaha" isn't just a Peyton thing. Good to know. Important: Osweiler's 6-foot-8. Legitimately a huge dude. Good catch by Sanders. Can't hold the ball there, Brock. That killed a field goal attempt, though this may be the one outdoor stadium where you'd consider it despite the weather.

That's a sack. Did the officials screw up a ruling of an eligible receiver in another Patriots game? At least they got it right this time but my God.

Wait, were Ward and Williams on the same cart? Damn, Broncos, spend some money. Where was the yellow line on that 3rd and 9 pass? Strange. How does a 6-8 quarterback get his pass deflected? Oh, that's how — by hitting the quarterback. And you can't turn the ball over against the Patriots, because they always score. That's only Chandler's third touchdown this season? It feels like I've seen him score, like, seven.


How'd they get that close up? Good job Butler to knock that ball away. Yeah, I always believed that the fallout between McDaniels and Cutler in Denver was as much McDaniels' fault, if not more.


Let's hope this drive ends better than the other time the Broncos got this far. There we go. Look at those smooth-cut yard lines. Sanders pretty consistently makes the long catches. Well that was also a waste. This game has drawn to a halt. We may not get any more points.

So who had a TEXANS game being flexed three weeks ago? Yeah, that's what I thought. Touchdown Bolden. Fumbled punt! Yeah, that's Denver's ball. Sanders again! He's been making that play all season. And Anderson runs off the milk carton and into the end zone. No one can field punts tonight. More Anderson. A field goal? Not quite sure this is the best move. If Peyton were here and healthy they'd definitely go for this. And now the Broncos have to punt again. Now GRONK's hurt AGAIN? CHRIST. Took a shoulder pad to the knee. Cart's out.

Who's left? LaFell? That's it? That's all they have left? "Finally, Demaryius Thomas", indeed. Have not heard his name called all night. Sanders!! Stay inbounds, Brock. DEFENSIVE HOLDING AFTER A SACK. TOUCHDOWN BRONCOS. It's Andre Caldwell, the No. 3 receiver! Oh, hey, Patrick Chung got beat. Does Bradley Fletcher even play any more? Should the Broncos have gone for two? Interesting question.
They're awful quick to explain why it's not grounding (and it wasn't). Wait, now what? Another clock issue?

47 yards? That's cake. There's no way Gostkowski misses even in this weather. Look, the Broncos are pressuring and getting to Brady. If they'd done that on the last drive they'd be sipping cocoa in the locker room right now. Sanders again? Goodness. CJ ANDERSON FOR THE WIN!!!

Four more things:

1. It's fitting that Kobe Bryant announced this was his last season today. Because we may not see Peyton Manning after this game, either.

2. The Peyton Manning we've seen this season would not have won this game.

3. The Patriots were up 21-7 in the fourth quarter against a quarterback making his second career start. And they lost.

4. Remember what I said about the Patriots putting 75 on the Eagles? Make that 90.

(Broncos 30, Patriots 24, OT)

Look, I told you all last week I was taking Monday off. Besides, I'm not following THAT up. Also it's the 50th anniversary of A Charlie Brown Christmas and Kristen Bell is hosting.


Come on. You can't say no to that.

As I'm wondering "Why didn't Austin Davis start this game?" McCown gets hurt and Davis comes in. Look, with the lack of talent left on both sides, this is a glorified preseason game at this point. While Gruden's speaking on Manziel, I will, too: Benching him was the first smart decision the Browns 2.0 have ever made. Part of this whole deal about being on a football team, and especially being the quarterback, is everyone else knowing they can trust you. And right now, they absolutely cannot trust this kid. TOUCHDOWN BROWNS. They picked up the blitz and Travis Benjamin destroyed the seam route. It'd be so Browns to miss this extra point. It's GOOD! This catch is short and it'll be a close decision for the Ravens. "Fail to draw the defense offside and take a delay of game penalty" was probably not one of the choices. And the punt was short, too? Jeez. Don't take a sack, Davis. Three and out. And then Schaub throws an interception. These teams are trash. Oh my GOD this clock management. And then Davis SLIDES INBOUNDS! This is terrible. At least their kicker's never missed. BLOCKED! The Ravens have it! He's got a block. He's...

Oh.

My.

God.














That is peak Browns. That will NEVER be topped.

Seriously, that's INCREDIBLE. (Ravens 33, Browns 27)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (11-0) — The beat continues
2. New England (10-1) — Running out of guys
3. Arizona (9-2) — Staying up
4. Cincinnati (9-2) — Nice rebound after two tough losses

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (2-9) — Is this really what you want, Los Angeles?
30. San Francisco (3-8) — Can't even win the moral victories
31. Tennessee (2-9) — The woman in the Nissan commercial damn sure isn't talking about this team
32. Cleveland (2-9) — The Factory of Sadness just got a new wing
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