Friday, November 27, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Crossing Stripes

THE JAGUARS ARE A GAME OUT OF FIRST PLACE. They're doing Color Rush again? God, this league doesn't learn a damn thing. That said, we need more gold in football uniforms. Hey, it's the punter who was drafted three spots ahead of Russell Wilson. It's hilarious that Blake Bortles is already better than Blaine Gabbert ever was. Hey, we got a drive here. Julius Thomas! It's good to have money. Mariota looks good so far. I see the Jaguars use the Redskins' turf supplier. Anyone else good on these teams?


That's a fumble. Why would they rule him down? He was still on his feet when the ball came out. Bortles has overthrown almost everyone so far. This game's been about as interesting as we suspected.


This is... not a turnover. Simms is actually right — this time the Titans will have all 15 yards to punt and not be backed up, so a block is less likely. Hey, an Allen Robinson sighting. He's secretly become good. This is why these teams are bad _— they can't convert opportunities. First time seeing T.J. Yeldon. I think he was on a better team last year. That's twice Orakpo's gotten dinged up on this drive but he's FINE. This will also end in a field goal. CALLED IT. The "Oh, what" Play, Phil? Mariota!






That sequence is why these teams are terrible. Where'd the Titans find this Andrews dude? The Jaguars need a stop here, while the Titans need to pick this up and run two more minutes off the clock. That's short. Oh, look, a special teams breakdown. Rashad Greene's on the Jaguars? He needs a new team; he's never going to get any run here. Aaand touchdown Jaguars. Julius Thomas was worth that cash they had lying around. And the Titans fumble on their first play. That dude's pissed.


Another short fourth down and the Jaguars decide to kick. Though I support this, I wouldn't have done it on the other side of the two-minute warning. It also gives the ball back to the Titans, who are the only ones who have driven down the field for a touchdown tonight. Nantz and Simms have taken their jackets off like they're actually sweating. That pass was to nobody. Any time outs left? Nope. Five seconds! Mariota almost slipped! SACK. Punch it. And now, some truth from John Legend:



(Jaguars 19, Titans 13)

Signal Finder: TB @ PHI, STL @ BAL (end), KC @ SD, GB @ MIN






I mean, this is where we're headed, right? (Panthers 44, Redskins 16)



They didn't even get through the player intros. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. That sweep's working wonders for the Eagles. Sanchez with a PROPER SLIDE! Huff's running through quite a few tackle attempts. Touchdown! There's a lot about these Bucs uniforms to dislike, and we've talked about some of them, but the numerals are the worst I've ever seen anywhere. It's worrisome that it's not Evans and Jackson who have been making the plays on this drive. That was underthrown.


Wait, Diehl, they only scored 10 points last week. Let's not talk about this offense being bogged down. Why did the Bucs punt there instead of trying a field goal? 53 yards isn't impossible. Hey, a Kenyon Barner sighting. Wait, Diehl did just retire two years ago and did play against this Eagles defensive line. Winston airmailed that one. Then after the offside call, Martin breaks one off. Wow, Carroll chased him down. Mike Evans is just too tall. Check that right heel, guys. Can we get a shot of that? I guess they don't have that angle. That was about a 10-step drop by Winston. That was expected. Obligatory cheesesteak B-roll. Fumble? Ah, the Bucs got it back to their relief. That was an awkward landing by Ertz on a play that didn't even get a first down. Jesus, Martin splintered the Eagles AGAIN. Delay of game? LOL. That's good pass pressure, but it would have been a tough pick for Jenkins with the ball behind him. That's another touchdown and things are getting out of hand fast.


MORE SPROLES, PLEASE. What's this foolishness? The Bucs are challenging the spot? He's still short. So now they go for it? Odd. Well, not really. That's a good throw by Winston. Jesus, that's, what, four potential turnovers the Eagles haven't come up with, including the last two plays in a row? That's a ridiculous catch by Sims in between defenders on a pass that shouldn't have been thrown, and a bad job by Kendricks and Maxwell both missing him. The more points the Bucs score, the worse this gets for the Eagles because you don't want to have to rely on Sanchez in a shootout.


Roughing the passer? Good job, Bucs. Someone remind Sanchez that Sproles is only about 5'7". Interception and I'll let you guess where Sanchez threw it. "Lackluster." Dick Stockton, the consummate professional. Remember when the Bucs would commit all these bad penalties and then shut down? It was only about three weeks ago. Now Cox is being attended to. Touchdown Bucs. Jesus H. Christ. Why punt, Chip? You know it's bad when the announcers are reading off credits at the start of the fourth quarter. Hey, a... well, not really a stop, but a wide-open receiver watching a pass go through his hands. Well at least it's only a field goal this time. I don't think this is a fumble, not that it matters. Why is this taking so long? And where's the urgency from the Eagles? Winston hasn't even played that well and he's got five touchdowns. Henry Burris is 40 years old, jut led an expansion team to the Grey Cup final, and he'd be the best quarterback on this field today. And that's a pick six. I know the NFC East is bad, but after Detroit on Thursday, the Eagles get the Bills, Patriots and Cardinals in a row. It's over. (Buccaneers 45, Eagles 17)

Yes, because I need to see the end of Rams-Ravens. The foregone conclusion, at that, because Tucker's not going to miss a third time.


What are the Ravens doing? Oh. And then afterwards Harbaugh announced that Flacco tore his ACL and is out for the year. Even when they win, they lose. Also, that foolishness with Case Keenum was a fireable offense. (Ravens 16, Rams 13)

This kid's name is what? Charcandrick? OK. It's a little surprising to me that the Chiefs' offense hasn't ground to a halt without Charles, given Alex Smith's limitations.


Missed conversion? Hot. Kelce got pasted on that touchdown catch. And he did hold on — the ball moved but never hit the ground. Wait, what? They reversed that? Oh, I was wrong — the ball did hit the ground. But the penalty still holds up, so it's still first down. Why are you kicking a field goal, Andy?
3rd and 23? Peters wasn't the receiver there but he looked like it. Maclin's been beat up the last couple weeks. First the dirty hit by T.J. Ward last week and then this (which, stunningly, wasn't called). That's a turnover and that's a touchdown for the Chiefs.


Another Chargers turnover. So many of these guys probably shouldn't be out here — they've just been wrecked by injuries. (Chiefs 33, Chargers 3)

I will never understand how the football team gets the new domed stadium and the baseball team has to play outdoors. Oh, that's a hand warmer. I thought a Packer's sock got ripped off. The Vikings probably shouldn't have punted. So after this penalty, the Vikings' defense has stood up here. There's a squirrel running wild out there? Good form; nice, long strides.


I miss throws downfield with accuracy.  Rudolph! Another missed extra point? HOT. Who's this dude? That fizzled out pretty fast. I love offensive holding on sacks. So fleek. Bridgewater just lost all that yardage back. Hey, there's the Eddie Lacy we haven't seen in a month. Is Buck's mic turned up? Pass protection appears to be optional. More field goals! Deflected punt? Yep. Bridgewater get hurt again? Who's their backup? Rodgers overthrew Jones pretty badly there. That's a stupid roughing penalty on the Vikings because it would have gotten them off the field. Yeah, that pass was going out of bounds regardless... Cobb had no shot even without the contact. Touchdown Packers! The kickoff went out of bounds? Oh. Well, Bridgewater's back, at least. Big run by Starks to open the second half. Rodgers just isn't connecting with his guys. Donut Club? That seems so Minnesota.


Why wouldn't you run the hell of the ball when you have Adrian Peterson? "Game managers" can't do that, either. Pass protection remains optional. It seems miraculous that the Packers have 19 points. This is a good drive by the Vikings, and a quick one. Peterson! Nice juggling act by James Jones. That... really isn't that close. That's a touchdown. Crazy throw by Rodgers on the run, too. AP coughs it up? That seems rare. (It's not. Not this year, anyway.) (Packers 30, Vikings 13)

FLEXING. And because the race started late, we might not get a pregame show.


This is not the time for a debris caution, NASCAR. Kyle Busch won? Shit. Maybe not the best start for Carson. Who even says "Louisiana State University"? 3rd and 24? Real smart, Jeremy Hill. That second pick was Dalton-at-night-esque. Eifert's already having a better game than he did on Monday night. Now Al and Cris are telling the story of Palmer's departure from Cincinnati. This isn't completely accurate — Palmer threatened to retire if he wasn't traded.


And about the change thing, Marvin Lewis is the only person who's gotten through to Mike Brown and convinced him to change things. Because, look, we all remember how terrible the Bengals have been. Things are better now. They're not what they ideally want to be, but it's... better. Another turnover? No, not this time. The Cardinals have a John Brown and a Jaron Brown, just to screw with us further. Here come the Cardinals. Touchdown and we're tied. Another dumb penalty on the Cardinals. Good spot to see that Jones went out of bounds there. GIO! He practically got crowdsurfed into the end zone. That's not a touchdown? Oh, OK, he was down. Touchdown Bengals. Someone blew an assignment and 14 on the Cardinals ran wild and free.


By comparison, the next one was just a good double move by John Brown.


Classic Freeney. Palmer's found himself. Is it just me or are the Cardinals too fast for the Bengals? That's a bad drop by Jones. 3rd and 26? They GOT it? Good job. Seriously. He's in , Mathieu. Let it go, dog. Not sure that's pass interference, necessarily. Oh, that's a fumble. Poor Dalton. Tate! Tate? Tate. Oh, they're saying he was down? God, this one's close. This could be the game right here. That feels like the right decision. Oh, that was the Cardinals' last time out? All-out blitz again. Did the Bengals fly in the Vikings and Packers' O-lines? Gio just rope-a-doped Powers. Green JUST missed that one, but three plays later makes a nice sliding catch. And Eifert scores a touchdown and pays for it. Now the Bengals will get the ball back with Patrick Peterson hobbled on the sideline. I feel like Gio's just better than Jeremy Hill. Hill can't do what Gio just did. And Green's out of bounds with the ball. No catch. Somebody gonna fix that thing? It's GOOD. We're tied. Jesus, Bengals. Get a pass rush or something. Fitzgerald's turning up like he's playing against the Eagles. Wait, what? WHAT? Unsportsmanlike conduct? He heard the player call out a fake snap count? I never even knew you could do that, much less that there was a rule against it. That feels so Belichickian. It's GOOD! (Cardinals 34, Bengals 31)



How long has Jerod Mayo been around? Whoa, Gronk didn't catch that? Interception! But will it stand? Nope; offsetting penalties. And of course the Patriots convert because THEY'RE THE PATRIOTS.
Wait, McCoy's never had three straight 100-yard games? That seems wrong. Is there an offensive player Brady can't make better? I'm not sure. Here comes the house and Brady had to abort. Chandler Jones not sacking Taylor there was kind of amazing. Williams got lucky to not lose that. That's the first play Patrick Chung's made in five years. I can read Brady's lips, and he is not praying. Wow, the Pats got burned by Laurence Maroney worse than they realized. They don't even bother drafting receivers any more. How the hell is that not grounding? Sack! Isn't Kevin Hogan the Stanford quarterback? And why does he have more catches than Sammy Watkins tonight? McCoy got hit as he tried to bring that in and McCourty got there JUST in time. CLANG! Snap and hold were fine. Carpenter just missed it. A Patriots touchdown is now likely. And that will help immensely. I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU THAT WOULD HAPPEN. THEY ARE THE LUCKIEST S.O.B.'S OF ALL TIME. Nice missed tackle, too, bro. How the hell do you get beat by James White?
Touchdown! Game over. Wait, WHAT happened? An inadvertent whistle? How do you blow the whistle in the middle of a play?


And now what's Rex mad about? And then Gostkowski MISSES THE FIELD GOAL. This isn't a touchdown either. Browns-Ravens? Looks like I'll be taking next Monday night off. Amendola! Again, great tackling by the Bills there. Did that ball break the plane? I'm not sure it did. Oh well. James White? Chris Harper? Who the HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE? Oh, it won't count. I feel like this Patriots offensive line isn't great.


PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'm amazed the Patriots didn't get a touchdown off of THAT. Never seen Brady throw to such a tightly covered receiver before, especially this Harper dude playing in his first-ever football game tonight. That's a tip and a pick by Gilmore, who may be the best player in the 2013 draft. That's why you get Watkins the ball. I mean, if Kevin Hogan can light up this secondary (which he just did AGAIN), I don't know what else to tell you. Now what? 4th and 10? This seems best.


Oh, Taylor's hurt? Definitely kick it now. Onside kick? With no time outs left? Well, at least they got the stop. McKelvin muffed THIS punt, too? Thank God he got it back or he'd have been cut tomorrow.


Get out of bounds, Taylor. Good job. Watkins caught that. This should be reversed. Taylor's still hurting. Bad drop, LeSean. That's not out of bounds? Really? Fix your game, Goodell. (Patriots 20, Bills 13)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. New England (10-0) — 16-0, here we come again
2. Carolina (10-0) — Too easy
3. Arizona (8-2) — And who knew cardinals were that fast?
4. Cincinnati (8-2) — This one's on the defense

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (2-8) — Is this really what you want, Los Angeles?
30. San Francisco (3-7) — Yes, it's as bad as it seems
31. Tennessee (2-8) — As anonymous a team as you'll find in sports
32. Cleveland (2-8) — Just can't get anything right
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