Thursday, November 5, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Top o' the Mountain To Ya

You're pimping next week's game before this one kicks off? Slow your roll, NFL Network. God, these poor kids. I'd give the Dolphins a fighting chance if the game was in Miami. And of course the Patriots convert a 3rd and 16 on a screen pass. Gronk just blew up the Dolphins' zone. Why are we watching golf balls being made? Oh, they're specially branded. The Dolphins' offense actually looks like an NFL offense now, and rediscovering Lamar Miller has been a big part of that. Is Dion Lewis the new Kevin Faulk?


Seriously, they are really pushing Browns-Bengals like it's not gonna be a massacre. And it's the first game that won't be simulcast on CBS. I'm surprised this drive stalled the way it did. Someone screwed up that snap. Safety! I'm surprised the Patriots didn't run another quarterback sneak. Whoa, that kick was a wobbler. And the Dolphins respond (?) with a terrible punt, giving the Patriots the ball at midfield, practically. Nice job covering Edelman, guys. There's a long way to go yet. For the Dolphins, I mean. And not in this game, but in general, still.Stills beat his man but doesn't finish the play. You can't miss those chances against this secondary, which may be the Patriots' only weakness. Well, they tried it again and it worked. Touchdown!


More Gronk. Oh boy, Wake's being helped off? That's bad. That's a good example of Campbell just doing things that Philbin wouldn't do and them working. Tannehill's hot streak seems to have ended. And now this looks to be getting out of hand. I don't think Edelman ever hit the turf. Nope. Touchdown. Two straight sacks? Whatever. The Dolphins are just offering token resistance now. That's another instance of Edelman staying off the ground just long enough. That's... not easy to do. (Patriots 36, Dolphins 7)

I don't know which have been worse: the Thursday night games or the London games. (Chiefs 45, Lions 10)

Signal Finder: CIN @ PIT, NYG @ NO, SEA @ DAL

Coming back to these wasn't the best idea, necessarily. Do the players even like these uniforms?


Antonio Brown's been resuscitated. Dalton looks sharp. The rest of the offense... not completely. Feels like the time out messed up their rhythm — Eifert usually catches that. That ball to Heyward-Bey hung up so long I'm surprised it wasn't intercepted, much less that DHB almost made a play on it. Why is CBS showing this again? Oh, they think Ben got hit. Did Pacman do something dumb? Well, yes. These refs need louder whistles — that's the second time in this game that the whistle's blown a play dead before the snap and they ran it anyway.


Bell's down? That's bad — he's the one guy they cannot afford to lose. The Bengals have to go up top at some point to push this Steelers' defense. This report on Bell doesn't sound good. Marvin Jones got drilled. Only thing dirty about that was the impact. The Bengals have an offensive lineman split out wide? That snap on 3rd and 2 was frighteningly bad. Maybe the worst I've seen. The Bengals are swarming around Roethlisberger on this series. Most quarterbacks don't even get that pass off. And that time Roethlisberger's deep ball didn't work. What's up with that echo in the stadium? A flag and two sacks later it's 3rd and 34. More stupid Bengals penalties. Look at all the time Ben has. Heh. After the big pass play to Green, Eagle said "We've been waiting to see it" just as I was thinking it. Man, I might have gone for it here if I was the Bengals. I'm... not seeing that one. BLOCKED! I know it's still the third quarter but that feels daggerish. Tomlin stared intently at the video board and you saw him nod afterwards. They'll win this challenge if this isn't a Pac-12 crew. They won the challenge. That's close but I think if Eifert has it, he has the first down by forward progress. The Bengals are in the red zone! STOP THE PRESSES. Bad read by Dalton. There was too much traffic in that corner and Blake had an easy shot at a pick. Now it's over. ANOTHER bad snap? What's going on there? Green got hit and he lost the ball, and Mitchell ended up with it. Now it's definitely over. OR IS IT? The Bengals just intercepted Roethlisberger after he stopped and tried to direct traffic for 10 seconds. Gio! The Bengals' other problem is that they've become one-dimensional in the red zone, but with passes. But THAT one worked.


And Roethlisberger's now thrown back-to-back picks. Smart to kick the field goal here. Roethlisberger's been hit a lot for a guy who just came back from injury. Those two yards almost weren't worth it. Why was Bryant so open there? (Bengals 16, Steelers 10)

The Saints' defense lost track of a running back? I'm stunned. Andre Williams gets stuffed twice. Why not Darkwa? He was red hot last week. Of course, Beckham's always an acceptable option. I feel like Payton would have challenged that, and Coughlin was smart enough not to. FLEA FLICKER! Ingram almost fell down. That's a tremendous punt. It really is. Brees is lighting up this Giants defense so far. Is Ben Watson having a career year right now? And Cooks just beat the same guy again for another touchdown. Oh, Moose. Who dressed you? There's Darkwa. He's been their best back in the last five quarters. Wait, Donnell didn't score on that? That's weird. We could be headed for a basketball score already. Darkwa got STONEWALLED. Touchdown Beckham. That's a hard set of patterns to run without accidentally setting a pick.


SOMEONE blew a coverage. First a sack, then a fumble the Giants were lucky to get back. Brad Wing is killing it right now. The Saints offense is doing whatever it wants. Man, Robinson's STILL down? That's bad. Snead may have been the third option on that play. Regardless, it's another Saints touchdown. Brandon Browner's legitimately stupid, isn't he? Beckham tries to get too fancy sometimes. Now Dwayne Harris is on a cart? What's going on in there? Is the Superdome haunted? The Saints got fooled again on the Vereen touchdown. And the Giants come out of the locker room and almost immediately tie it. Beckham, again, of course. These two games couldn't be more different. And the Saints just took the lead back. Did time pass? It's not a good hold when you get rolled over. With Donnell hurt, do the Giants have any tight ends left? Fumble! That's the first play Jairus Byrd's made with the Saints if that was even him. Then Brees got overconfident and sailed a high throw into double coverage. Jennings runs through five tackles, then two more on the screen pass. Hey, a defensive stop! Haven't seen one of those since the opening damn drive and the Giants did that. They haven't stopped anything since, not the run or the pass. Touchdown Watson.


And a penalty wipes out a Giants turnover. Fourth down? Why not? No one can stop the other. Harris! TOUCHDOWN. And the second one he scored to tie the game was even more ridiculous.
That's the hardest DRC's hit someone in five years, and that return gave the Giants the lead.


Jesus, don't punt, Payton. Ingram dives and gets it easily. It wasn't that gutsy, Moose. I don't know why the Saints are letting the clock run down here. A sweep by Ingram? OK. Spiller! TOUCHDOWN AND WE'RE TIED.


This isn't gonna end on a punt return of all things, is it? Oh, OK. Wait, now there IS a penalty? Face mask against the Giants? Face mask ON THE PUNTER.


The Saints are in field goal range! IT'S. GOOD. Lawrence Taylor just threw up in his grave. (Saints 52, Giants 49)

THAT'S how Reggie Bush got injured? That's ridiculous. Between concrete on the sideline and the turf catching fire, no wonder the Rams want out. (Rams 27, 49ers 6)

I imagine FOX was hoping these teams were at least decent when they set this schedule up. At least Dez is back. Darren McFadden's been juvenated in Dallas. Maybe he belongs in a rotation.


Was this even a catch? Oh who the hell knows. Looks like a fumble to me but who knows anymore. Even Aikman doesn't know. "That's anybody's guess to me." Incomplete.


Aikman: "Cary Williams has struggled at times." Like, what, his entire career? Bryant saved Cassel from an interception that would have been partially Bryant's fault. Let's see if Willson actually got in here. Yeah, looks like it. On second thought, maybe not. Oh. OK. Touchdown. Hey, a Christine Michael sighting.


McFadden has a better deep ball than Cassel. Wait, what? Everyone's confused. You can't call back-to-back time outs, but the clock already stopped, so, you know. I mean, like Brenneman's explaining right now, that's against the rules.


Greg Hardy's limping off? That's a shame. The Seahawks handled that sequence very strangely. Oh man, Ricardo Lockette grabbed at his leg before he got drilled. And he crumpled. EVERYBODY CALM DOWN. Seriously, this is NOT the time to spark an incident. How is that a blindside hit? It was head-on. It is eerily quiet in there right now. Not like it is usually is during Cowboys games... this is scarier. I think he just nodded his head, and he moved his hands, which is a good sign. That's a hell of a concussion if that's the case. Wait, why did Aikman go down to the field at halftime? Is there not a bathroom up there at press level? (I mean, I'd believe that.) Cassel out here doing his Danny Woodhead impression. Sherman's pitching a shutout against Bryant. Bailey's not missing this. Neither of these offenses are exactly impressing, and this is a case where it's not really great defense causing it. McFadden got dehydrated? What's all that Gatorade for then? Hey, Dez made a catch. Neither he nor Sherman knew who that was on. How is that even a flag, though? That's the second time Bryant's saved a pick and the second time on this drive that Cassel's been hit hard. I feel like we haven't heard much from Lynch today either. Or Graham, but that's par for the course now. Hardy breaks up the screen and intercepts it. OK. At least the Cowboys are missing their quarterback who, for all his flaws, has not been their biggest problem for several years now.


Russ is carrying the Seahawks offense right now. Like, literally. No one else is touching the ball. (Well, except for Baldwin on that catch.) Claiborne and Carr almost collided. The Seahawks are gonna pull this directly out of their asses, aren't they? Sure looks like it. Cassel... what? That was hilarious. 4TH AND 21. Great call, Brenneman. (Seahawks 13, Cowboys 12)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 2. The Falcons; 3. The Jets; 4. The Bears; 5. The Chargers; 6. The Browns.

I'M PEYTON MANNING. Even though it didn't work, good move by the Broncos to establish a lack of fear of throwing. Eddie Lacy's ankle seems fine. Did Rodgers not like his time at Cal or something? He never shouts them out in these intros. A false start on Bhaktari? I'm stunned. I guess C.J. Anderson doesn't play any more. Oh, wait, I'm wrong. Might wanna cover Thomas, guys. That's a touchdown. The Broncos are finding ways to weave through the Packers' defense. You're not fooling anyone, Andre Caldwell. Then Hillman finds the corner and the Broncos are up 14.


Not sure how Rodgers didn't see Adams either, Cris. This is the Packers' best drive and it doesn't feel like they've gone anywhere. That would have been fourth down if not for that penalty. Nice moves by Cobb. Has Lacy put on weight since he got hurt? I mean it's possible. When you have a back that big, there's not real reason to make him bounce outside. Yeah. You do THAT. That ball's out. But I guess the Packers got it back? Looks like it. Rodgers just ran a leg of the 400. The Packers seem to have found something with this running game early in the second half but they'll need more of it. And now they're down two corners for the night. Look at that passing yardage discrepancy. Not what you'd expect.


It's the Broncos who have been getting the touchdowns on the ground. And they were worried about their running game. I mean, Cobb's biggest play tonight has been a run. Are the Packers really down to one time out in the middle of the third quarter? Oh, McCarthy, you card. I agree with Cris's assessment. The Broncos have owned the middle of the field because they've run the ball and gotten their play action to work. That's not an interception. Safety? Safety! That's actually smart by Richard Rodgers to just take a knee after all that chaos. I don't think I've ever seen Aaron Rodgers play worse. (Broncos 29, Packers 10)

That's some weather there. Fumbled snap? Fumbled snap. Oh, this is bad. Luck gets bull rushed and throws a bad interception. This could be over by halftime. Jerricho Cotchery's still doing things. Newton's a damn battering ram. Gotta go for this, right? I'm surprised they didn't give it to Cam again. Stewart almost got stopped twice and still scored. That's a good run by Bradshaw. They're not booing: they're saying "Luke." Seriously, what's happened to Luck? Allen was wide open and that pass was off target. A punter should never be a bright spot. This is close but I think Newton's down. Did that get knocked down? Oh, hey, a Trent Cole sighting.


Another turnover? Oh, the Colts got it back, at least. This weather is perfect for the Panthers and the exact opposite for the Colts. Hey, a completed pass. Man, this weather is going to screw everything up.


Now the Colts have recovered a fumble. You could have called pass interference on both of those plays, but Luck threw into double coverage (again) on the second one. You can tell how bad the weather is because the picture is dulled. Bradshaw got nothing and hated it. BANG! Ginn missed one earlier, and I wasn't sure he was going to get this one but he did. There's another one for Ginn, but why isn't he going out of bounds? And it won't count anyway. How the HELL did Newton escape? He was box stratted and ran for 10 yards. It's worth noting that the Colts have crossed midfield, what, three times tonight? And Hilton doesn't have a catch? Wild. Tirico just called Gruden out on calling it the "Oh, shucks" screen. Once again, the Colts are getting pushed around. How many snaps have been fumbled tonight? Just the snaps. I'm not even talking about everything else. And I didn't even realize the Panthers were running with a backup center. That wasn't a very good punt, McAfee. Get up there, Greg Olsen! We just had moonshine shown on Monday Night Football. I'm surprised they're showing these protesters considering they never show guys who rush the field.




KURT COLEMAN FOR MVP. Seriously, this is his best game ever. Olsen, Brown, game over. Or not, maybe? We have an Andre Johnson sighting. And another one. That was QUICK. Turns out that protest was AGAINST a bank, so. Are the Colts driving again? This is kind of ridiculous. Touchdown Colts. And then the defense gets a stop. And Luck throws into traffic. SNAP THE BALL. Griff Whalen? Really? Yes, really. Great play by Josh Norman to break that up. Are the Panthers playing zone? Good job by Luck to run out of bounds. The Colts are going for the win, guys. Whalen got out of bounds? I don't THINK so. Wow! Keuchly ALMOST intercepted that. I mean, Viniatieri's not missing this. You know that.


The Panthers' defense looks tired. Another make by Viniatieri. How did Brown catch that? SPEED 2 drops a sure touchdown, because of course he does.




Another great catch by Olsen, who's been making the Bears look foolish for trading him ever since it happened. Ginn redeems himself and this field goal will re-tie the game. Tipped interception to Keuchly!


52-yard attempt for Gano? IT'S GOOD!!!!! (Panthers 29, Colts 26, OT)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. New England (7-0) — Stopping rivals in their tracks since 2002
2. Cincinnati (7-0) — As Collinsworth said, the Bengals never win that game
3. Carolina (7-0) — Survive and survive
4. Denver (7-0) — Vintage Peyton, if only for one night

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Francisco (2-6) — No. Not Blaine Gabbert. No.
30. Jacksonville (2-5) — The tale of Sisyphus comes to mind
31. Tennessee (1-7) — Poor Marcus Mariota
32. Detroit (1-7) — So much for that new offense
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