Friday, November 20, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Cracked and Torn

Christmas has come early to MetLife Headquarters. My goodness.

If at first you don't succeed, fail a second time? Oh, it's raining. Hey Jets; Try running next time. Jesus, even the Bills are doing it. Four long passes, zero yards. SIX long passes, zero yards. (Actually, minus-9 yards if you figure in the penalty.) OH MY GOD A RUNNING PLAY. Which gets nothing. Manny Lawson's still alive? POSITIVE YARDAGE. Not a first down, but baby steps. Rex did not like that spot, and he's right to do so.


And then Ivory gets 40 yards on a screen. Why did the Jets completely abandon the run again? Two too-long routes into the end zone? The play calling tonight has sucked by everyone. Oh, hey, new kicker. Plenty of good seats still available. Meanwhile, the Bills still can't do anything right. I really do feel like Karlos Williams has been better than McCoy this season. Whatever the Bills were planning there, Wilkerson was aware of it. He blew that thing UP. And then Fitz throws an interception into traffic, which was returned into even more traffic. Kick it. Don't be stupid. The Jets fumbled the kickoff? Touchdown Bills! So much for 4-2. That's a clean fumble. Then the Bills shank the extra point, just more evidence of what kind of game this has been. This isn't worth your last challenge, Rex. And that's why... that next play may have been a fumble. Good job by McCoy to salvage what looked like a five-yard loss. And that field goal almost didn't make it, either. That's the worst sell job for a Thursday Night Football game ever. Of course, that's all Titans-Jaguars deserves.


Another Williams touchdown. The 6th straight game the rook has scored in. And there's another turnover by the Jets in a Bills game. WE HAVE A 22 ALERT. I REPEAT, WE HAVE A 22 ALERT. Hey, the Jets are moving the ball finally. Let's see how they screw it up. Well, some good hard running by Ivory there. Marshall straddles the sideline — while holding the ball kind of recklessly — and scores. Then the Bills ran an option with Taylor where he kept the ball and nobody realized it until after McCoy went down. Well that got stuffed. Look at Fitz running with the ball. Have the Jets found something in the running game again? And why didn't they do it when they weren't trailing by 12? Oh, they're helping Marshall off? I'm not sure I like the Jets punting here. OK, Decker had no business catching that one after the two he missed earlier.

The Jets needed more out of that drive than they got. What happened there? Oh, they fucked up the snap? OK.


Oh, Jets. Run a better play than that next time. (Bills 22, Jets 17)

Signal Finder: MIA @ PHI, MIN @ OAK, NE @ NYG

The Dolphins just didn't bother with the run game after that first play, did they? That pass to Miller took the air out of the place. Why is Celek outrunning this dude? Gannon: "You can't even get a replay in." Josh Huff just saved Bradford and everyone else by continuing to work.


Why do the Dolphins have a running back with a bad hand on kickoffs? Right, Kevin Harlan? The Dolphins may need a new center. SAFETY! Three weeks in a row! Is that a record? First time since the Seahawks in 1980. Thank you, CBS stats and graphics. That's the second time already that Celek's found space in this defense. Murray's found himself. It's remarkable how little impact Suh's had on this defense, which doesn't have a lot of talent behind the line, either. Now Mathews is on the move. Touchdown and this could get out of hand fast. The Dolphins don't believe in covering tight ends, apparently. Sturgis seemed to rush that kick and he hooked it. Some good blocking by the Dolphins offensive line on these Ajayi runs. That would have been a touch catch for Stills anyway. Good job by Maxwell to break it up. That fake pitch didn't fool Barwin, either. I'm not a fan of the inside underneath route down by the goal line. Too much traffic. Dolphins blocked the punt? That seemed inevitable. This has been a weird game so far, and that was before the double fumble. Wait, it should be first down Eagles, right? Now what are they doing? The Dolphins are challenging... something. That didn't clear ANYTHING up, Mike Carey.


Then the Dolphins lose excellent field position on an unsportsmanlike conduct flag. Oh hey, Agholor's back. That was disappointing. Big sack by Kendricks. So a bad interception is nullified by a bad roughing the passer call. Splendid. I don't get this. Another flag on the Dolphins? Clearly, the Dolphins didn't include "covering the tight ends" in their list of halftime adjustments. Really inauspicious beginning to this second half for both teams. No one's done anything right. That's a terrible snap. And there's a drop by Stills. And there's another holding penalty against the Eagles.


And now Bradford's down (Week 10 ticket holders, collect) and here comes Sanchez. Mathews salvages a first down out of that. The Eagles keep going backwards. Another punt. Maxwell got taken out by a teammate and that pass play gained 20 more yards because of it. Oh God. THIS again? The pass gets batted into orbit and Landry catches it. Jenkins had no idea where it was.


This is the most the Eagles' offense has moved since the first quarter. Austin JUST missed a touchdown — he was out of bounds by inches. Ertz! Wait, what? Illegal shift? FINE. Jordan Matthews just got drilled. They have to kick this, right? Right. Tannehill's hard count has fooled the Dolphins more than it has the Eagles. Another safety would be HILARIOUS. Though a good stop down there works, too. Feels like Sanchez knows how to beat the Dolphins, at least. OR NOT. Christ. Right into double coverage. And that's the throw that Sanchez has always turned into a mistake. Then Landry gets 18 yards on 3rd and 7.


Hey, a sack. That's cool. Two straight incompletions for Sanchez. Followed by a six-yard pass on 4th and 10. What the hell, man. (Dolphins 20, Eagles 19)

And that's not even the worst loss to a bad Florida-based NFL team today. So Winston fumbles going into the end zone with a minute left, but the Cowboys get called for holding, so they don't get the ball. Then Winston scores the game's only touchdown on a naked bootleg. Then Cassel throws an interception into the end zone where Dez complains about being pushed in the back — which he was — yet did less to fight for the ball than Miles Austin did on Sanchez's interception. This is all that's sustaining me right now. (Buccaneers 10, Cowboys 6)

And that's not even the worst loss to a bad Florida-based NFL team today. Here's what makes this the worst: In a league full of whiners about officiating, the Baltimore Ravens players and fans are the biggest offenders. And this time, they're absolutely right. (Jaguars 22, Ravens 20)

The Curse of Lambeau has been lifted! Go celebrate, Lions! Clean out all the cheese shops. Also, this is fantastic:


(Lions 18, Packers 16)

Myers and Ronde on the call? God help us. I know none of these Vikings pass catchers. Terence Newman's still playing? Not a good throw by Carr to a not-open receiver. Oh, right, the Vikings have Mike Wallace now. Rudolph just borked a touchdown pass. That went well. I mean, they still pay Adrian Peterson, right? Because, as we see on this next drive, he still has moves. He's leading the league in rushing, folks.
That's a good flag pickup — Smith's hit on Cooper was clean. Look at Murray just carrying the entire pile of Vikings. Did he get both feet in? Touchdown Raiders. That's the Cordarrelle Patterson that was fire his rookie year and hasn't done anything since. I'm with the announcers — I don't think catch interference needed to be thrown on that punt. This is ONLY 53 yards? Looks like 65. He missed? Oh. The Vikings are challenging to get a touchback? And they're not going to get it. I'm not even sure what the right decision was there. Impressive that punt wasn't blocked. Peterson over 100 yards again. Did someone get a piece of that kick? Sure did. Special teams have been weird in this game. That's a hot throw by Carr. NEWMAN! Great play by the ageless one. Carr's mad but his receiver just got outworked. And then Peterson breaks free and ends it. Having seen the Raiders the last two weeks, they've still got issues, but the worst is over. The Vikings? They're probably ahead of schedule. (Vikings 30, Raiders 14)


Blount is running over the Giants' defense so far. No wonder they just tried to sneak an extra guy out there. Touchdown... Chandler? OK. Beckham just torched Butler. Straight up set him on fire. That's the Patriots' biggest weakness. The Giants got a sack? Stop the presses! And possibly a touchdown-saving sack, at that. Edelman's shaken up? Yeah, and he's not happy about it. Eli just called or faked about 10 audibles. I mean, when Dwayne Harris and Myles White are making big catches on you, that's a problem. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. OPI on Gronk gets called? Madness.


The Giants managed a field goal, which is good for them. Seriously, who knew Edelman was so vital? And now the Giants are trying to take the lead into halftime. Who is Will Tye? That's terrible back-end play by the Patriots. Rutt's Hut B-roll? I'm amazed. Like, legit AMAZED. This is some outstanding punt coverage right here. So Amendola runs into a teammate and DRC's the one who got hurt? OK. That's the whole enchilada of potential calls there: pass interference, holding, personal foul, all of it. Blount scores the second time around. Randle seemed more interested in straddling the 40-yard line than advancing. My God. Someone tell Eli his brother's been benched. Butler was all over Beckham and may have gotten away with something. That's a good kick. Chandler just dropped a 30-yard completion, then Gronk shows him how it's done. Wait, what? Brady fumbled? Who's booing? This is nuts. Gronk just broke two tackles and two Giants collided, and the Patriots just grabbed the lead.


This is what happens when you ask Brandon Meriwether to cover someone. All LaFell had to do was catch it. (Of course, that's an adventure in itself.) WOW. That's the second really bad interception Brady's thrown in the last two weeks, and that one might cost more. Like I've been saying, the Patriots do have a fatal flaw, and it's their cornerback play. You can roast these guys. Aaaand... touchdown Beckham. Right? No? Not right? NO? I don't know. I don't. I don't know anymore.




Aw man, did Coughlin screw up the clock management again? I think he did, you guys. (Run the ball on second down. Seriously.) At least Eli took the sack this time and they made the Patriots burn their time outs. Field goal is good, but it's not ideal, know what I mean? OMG Landon Collins just let the game slip out of his hands. That would have been an amazing interception. That spin move by Amendola got the Patriots at least five more yards. Why ice Gostkowski? It's not going to work. It's GOOD.


In retrospect, it wasn't the clock management the Giants blew there; it was what happened afterwards. Against Brady and Gostkowski, you need a touchdown there and they didn't get it.


I should be happy because the Giants losing means the Eagles still have a shot, but... fuck, man. (Patriots 27, Giants 26)

I mean, my personal rule has always been that if you throw four interceptions in a game that are clearly your fault, you take a seat. I guess you have to apply that to everyone. Still, two weeks ago Peyton Manning was carving up the Packers. Now we're... here.


(Chiefs 29, Broncos 13)



You know, I'm just noticing how the green screen effects aren't the greatest. Good to see Ricardo Lockette up and around. Quick pass to Fitzgerald, who doubles back, circles around, and reverses up the other side. How did that NOT fail spectacularly? The Cardinals don't care. They fear no one, and they shouldn't. Interception! Remember what I said before about inside routes inside the 5? Was that ball tipped? This is a touchback. The Seahawks are playing like they didn't want it to be a touchback. That's a safety, right? Russ get away with that a LOT. Someone failed to cover Fitzgerald and I'm betting it was Cary Williams. YEP. Cardinals settle for three. What was Wilson thinking? SAFETY. Again, the Cardinals are not showing any fear of this defense. Sure, that play to Brown didn't stand. But guys have been open in this Seahawks secondary so far. The ambulance is out for Iaupiti? Wow. I can't even tell what happened to him. And the Seahawks just went through this. That's a really good catch by Floyd for the touchdown.


The Seahawks have had no offense tonight and Collinsworth just made a good observation: Where's the read option? Peterson made a business decision on that punt return. That's a great play by Floyd. Don't challenge this, Pete. Wait, the Cardinals are challenging this? Oh, that might be a touchdown. It is! Finally the Seahawks get a play. Graham!? OHHH he lost it. Then Mathieu gets shoved to the ground by Graham while holding on to him. That could have gone either way, honestly. Touchdown by whoever this is. This Cardinals 2-minute drill isn't quite on point. Yeah, he's down. Wait, how is that not a catch and fumble? Wait, I shouldn't ask that question.


Wait, the announcers knew New York was reviewing it before the officials did? That's ludicrous. How has this not been addressed? Collinsworth's telling all the truth right now about this. "Basically, 'stands' means 'we don't know either.'" That's a great pick by the Honey Badger. Well, they salvaged a field goal, which is OK. Good catch and run by Baldwin. And another one for a touchdown. No need to go for two yet. Wow, that was offsides. Some home cooking there. That spot seems generous, too. That's a fumble. I'm not sure he wasn't tackled, though? Yeah, he should be down at the 2. The Cardinals have turned into the Cardinals we all grew up watching. There's the old Beast Mode.


Not sure I would have gone for two there, either. Spoonman! ANOTHER fumble? Touchdown Seahawks! JEBUS.




That seems to have shocked the Cardinals awake. They're hurting the Seahawks through the air again. Jermaine Gresham? OK. Cards back in front. Now Russ scrambles and no one covers Baldwin, who gets 20 yards. Honey Badger just dropped an interception. Cary getting beat again. Figures.


And Ellington just turns on the jets and slams the door. Wow. Settle yourself, Stanton. That Baltimore game ain't gonna be on Sunday night, Al. So a meaningless field goal. OK. This was a statement. (Cardinals 39, Seahawks 32)


That's a good punt. Real good. If Clowney could ever get on the field, it would help the Texans defense so much — as it is, teams just put 8 guys on Watt and say screw the rest of these scrubs. That's a good punt return. Real good. Too bad it won't count. So that doesn't matter, I guess. They've really figured out how to use Eifert in this offense. He's their de facto No. 2 receiver. That kind of petered out. This Carr conversation is interesting — I absolutely believe that David's failure in Houston scared the Texans off of Derek, as unfair as that is. Pacman took a knee to the head. Ouch. You can't leave Brian Hoyer with that big of a running lane. Those are good stops.


Yeah, that's holding. Not much going on tonight. That holding penalty really set the Bengals back. Hail Mary! Intercepted, I think. Kirkpatrick just missed an interception. Dalton put too much on that pass, but Joseph had to juggle it twice before picking it. It's too bad the Texans can't sustain anything or this would be more of a game. As it is, it feels like a Bengals surge is inevitable. T.J. Yates is back? What?


Hey, a Chris Polk sighting. Big first down there. Touchdown Hopkins!! Do we know what happened to Hoyer? This ball hit the ground but the old Andy Dalton has resurfaced in a big way tonight. Eifert didn't have to jump and it caused him to drop another one. Dalton could have run for it and gotten there. Why are the Bengals punting? Hoyer got a concussion? Oh. I still maintain that Texans team Yates had to take over could have made the Super Bowl had Matt Schaub been healthy (when Schaub went down, Matt Leinart was the backup and he got hurt in HIS first start.) A.J. Hawk! Haven't heard that name in a few years. Eifert drops another one?


Wow. Green caught that one, fortunately. And Green comes through again on 4th down — OR DOES HE? That's... it's Texans' ball either way because Green wasn't down. That's such a Bengals way to lose. (Texans 10, Bengals 6)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. New England (9-0) — 16-0, here we come again
2. Carolina (9-0) — Dance on 'em
3. Arizona (7-2) — I thought cardinals were non-violent birds
4. Cincinnati (8-1) — Suddenly I'm surrounded by pumpkins

BOTTOM 4:
28. (tie) Dallas (2-7) — "Leadership"
28. (tie) Baltimore (2-7) — Seriously, what happened?
30. Tennessee (2-7) — So much salt, though
31. Detroit (2-7) — You can't try harder to lose a game and then NOT lose it
32. Cleveland (2-8) — Got a nasty surprise in Pittsburgh
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