Saturday, November 14, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Prevailing Wins

I'm glad Joe Thomas thinks things will turn around. I mean, he's the only one, but still. The Browns are offering token resistance. They can measure all they want, Sanu didn't get this. So right after Simms talks about how Jeremy Hill hasn't gotten rolling, he bulls his way to a first down. Eifert! Hey, a running game from the Browns. They'll blow this, right? Well, sort of. Dude on the Browns just threw a block with his head. Taunting? Again? Again, the Browns can't stop any of this. 4th and 2? Green drops a screen pass. AND THE BROWNS WERE OFFSIDES. And it's the guy who got flagged for taunting on the first play of this drive. Dalton somehow finds Eifert in traffic.


Why is Gary Barnidge the Browns' second-best player? Manziel just ran this whole thing. He escaped and found Johnson in the end zone. Somehow I'm not sure Marvin said "doggone." Heh, Simms isn't buying it, either. That Manziel pass to Crowell from out of the end zone looked like it went about 5 yards farther than it did. This spot is a gift. That reversal is correct. I think that punt was almost blocked, too, and I think that's the second time it's almost happened tonight. This game hasn't been all that interesting but it's not awful. The Bengals are doing that thing again where they seem gun-shy to test the opposing defense deep.


This seems like an easy reversal, too — it sure looks like Tate was touched. Sanu hit 'em with a reverse? That was almost guaranteed to work.


That quarterbacks graphic explains sooooo many things. Good to see the Bengals using Bernard more again. Can we get Eifert's stats side-by-side with Gronk's? They have to be close. YES YES THE SAM WYCHE RANT YES YES.

And this punt IS blocked. Not surprising: both guys have been playing with fire all night. Did Nantz say that was the Browns' first first down of the second half? There's 3 minutes left! This is your reminder that the Browns could have drafted Beckham/Watkins/Cooks and Bridgewater, and instead took Justin Gilbert at No. 9 to be their fourth cornerback, and Manziel, who can't play and has a drinking problem. YOUR Cleveland Browns, ladies and gentlemen. Meanwhile, the Bengals are 8-0.

(Bengals 31, Browns 10)

Signal Finder: OAK @ PIT, WSH @ NE, STL @ MIN (4th), DEN @ IND

I haven't seen the Raiders pull off a drive like that in YEARS. Ben launched a rocket on 4th and 4 and it worked. Brown's been all over this drive. Interesting that the Steelers are going for two again. Latavius Murray's 6-3? Huh. A good punt followed by a bad one and the Raiders are starting where we left them. You know who's good is Amari Cooper. That's the second time this game that Woodson has had to come out. And there's Brown with another big catch already. Now it's 4th and 1 from the 3 and the Steelers have a dilemma. They go for it and score. Waste of a drive by the Raiders. And just like that, the Steelers are in field goal range.


Fumble? Mike Mitchell out here cheating. So after that, the Raiders get to punt? Cool. Someone got a piece of that. This rookie Roberts has two big catches — the Raiders really didn't want to cut him after preseason and risk losing him and I'm sure they're glad they didn't. Touchdown Raiders! That interception was... unfortunate. That didn't even look like that hard a hit on Murray. Oh, I see it now — Mitchell stripped the ball away. DeAngelo Williams has fit in well in Pittsburgh.


That pass just barely hit the ground before the Steelers got their hands on it. Fouts: "Franco would have caught that." Remember what I just said about DeAngelo Williams? Yeah. Bryant made about three moves on that touchdown. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. That didn't take long, either. No one knows who these guys are and it's kind of cool. Ben's hurt again? I can understand the Raiders punting here because they're pinned so deep. Muffed punt? Raiders ball! Interception! Bad decision by either Carr or the receiver to end up with double coverage. I'm surprised to see the Steelers still being so aggressive with Jones in for Roethlisberger with a lead. Snap the ball, Raiders. WOW. Beautiful pass from Carr to Crabtree for the tie. I don't get this play calling by the Steelers. THAT I get. Brown's having a ridiculous day. 284 receiving yards? And Woodson didn't have a good angle on him or he could have stopped him sooner. Either that or Brown ran out of breath. Then Williams ALMOST scores. Four seconds left? That's unintentional trolling at its best. It's GOOD! (Steelers 38, Raiders 35)

The Rams have been keeping Legatron busy, it seems. He's hit from 61? Austin just barely averted disaster with that failed reverse. It is LOUD there. Well, here it is. He MISSED? His leg must be show. WOW, it is LOUD. That's some terrible clock management by the Vikings but far from the worst we've seen today. (Hello, Jets and Dolphins at the end of the first half.) Did the Rams just get called for holding while already in precarious field position? They're gonna lose this game twice. Or maybe not, as he made this one. We're tied. The Rams' only captain is Animal Jr.? The Vikings took the wind, which is interesting, but maybe a little less so with overtime not being immediate sudden death any more. I don't blame Mike Zimmer in the least. That hit on Bridgewater was dirty as hell. (Vikings 21, Rams 18, OT)



That's the second week in a row the Panthers have successfully played with fire. It's also the second week in a row that in-stadium signage has been confiscated. And what's happened to the Packers? (Panthers 37, Packers 29)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Here's what I'm talking about with the Patriots: I expected Dion Lewis to catch that 3rd down pass and score. I could not believe he dropped it. And of course they go for it on 4th and get it. Edelman got drilled. I'm amazed he held on. Touchdown and Edelman had to work for that one. Wait, what? Did the Patriots just onside kick after the first score of the game? That's SO disrespectful. Then they get an interception after losing a fumble. Twelve men on the field and you still can't get a hand on Blount? Pack it up. Then Carrier lets Cousins down less than easy with that drop. The hell? That's one of the worst interceptions I've ever seen Brady throw. That was Cousins-esque. Good recovery by that dude who Desean had beat. Then Chandler Jones sacks Cousins. What are the Redskins doing? Are they even still in field goal range? 4th and 11? Another drop. That penalty's the only reason it's only 17-0 instead of 21-0. And it's not getting better. Huh, the Redskins are moving the ball. Let's see how they screw this up. 2nd and goal from like the 24 is one way to do it. Oh, it's only the 14. My bad. The Redskins needed a touchdown and, of course, didn't get it. They lost Edelman again. That floater into the end zone wasn't going to work. I'm not sure how Lewis got hurt there — it looks like Baker just swiped at him and missed, but he went down somehow. What could the Redskins possibly be challenging here? I hate that screen pass call. They called Gronk for a hold? OK. Brandon Bolden just ran past four guys. Then he caught a touchdown pass. What the hell is John Lynch talking about? What progress does he see with the Redskins? They don't have a coach or a quarterback (though Cousins has been decent today, he's just gotten zero help). Even Burkhart's checked out. He just confused a flag for a shoe. (Patriots 27, Redskins 10)

Amazingly, it's 10-0 Colts. No idea where Peyton was throwing that one. The three closest guys to that ball were Colts. Hilton wasn't supposed to play until about two hours before kickoff. Frank Gore still runs tough. That's a long stretch for the touchdown and it's 17-0. Something pissed the Colts off, apparently. Oh, that's right — I forget Vernon and Vontae Davis are brothers. (Vernon is wearing No. 80, FYI.) How many first downs do the Broncos even have? Two? Do they even have that many? Nantz always looks like he's calling a golf tournament. Punt return? What? The Broncos just got an 83-yard punt return to end the first half. That's... that's incomplete, right? That's a vintage Peyton throw and Sanders beat two guys to score.


Suddenly this game is competitive. Griff Whalen's becoming a thing? Griff Whalen should never become a thing. That leap seemed unnecessary, Bradshaw. What record's Peyton trying to break? Oh, THAT one. He's doing a good job of it, that's for sure. Owen Daniels catches a touchdown pass and we're tied again. That's a bad kickoff. Viniatieri kicks his age with ease and he just nailed a 55-yarder. And there's another strange interception of a Peyton pass. Whalen with another big catch. Who's letting this happen? That was a LOT of stupid by Talib right there. He's nowhere near the play, yet he decides to come over and poke Allen in the eye while WEARING GLOVES? So it's ultra-obvious to EVERYONE? Now the Colts are set up perfectly for a field goal to potentially ice this. It's GO— what? Defensive holding? THE COLTS TOOK THE POINTS OFF THE BOARD. That practically runs the clock out. Pretty sure nobody saw this result coming. (Colts 27, Broncos 24)

This Week It Sucks To Be:




(49ers 17, Falcons 16)


This is what we need more of. More bands. That was... odd. That was also odd. Why catch that punt? Dez torched Carroll, who then missed the tackle and allowed him to get 15 more yards. Really? You're calling time outs already? McFadden got it. Then Beasley embarrassed Jenkins with a spin move for a touchdown. What's with these military-style coaches' attire? Miles Austin to the rescue after two plays that go absolutely nowhere.


The Cowboys defense hasn't hit anyone that hard in months. That pick's been getting called more often this year. The Cowboys' backup corners are legitimately better than their starters. Riley Cooper got a shave and a cut? So let's establish: Mathews is better for this offense than Murray is, and Foles is better for this offense than Bradford is. Hey, first and goal. Bradford threw that too high. Good non-challenge. That's a good play by Byron Jones, who's one of those backup corners who's better than the Cowboys' starters. Go for it, Chip. Touchdown Murray. Are we kicking this extra point or not? Oh, OK. The FC Dallas game is far more exciting at this moment — two goals within a minute at the end of regulation. WHAT! How did Cassel get away and how did Williams catch that? Oh, that's how. As you were. Yeah, Williams may have saved a pick there. This was followed by an illegal shift. That's a good stop.


When the hell does MLS end? December? That was a weird-looking handoff. Some good runs on this drive. Johnson's hurt? They don't need that. They don't need that penalty, either. That... didn't make any sense. Just take a knee if you're going to do that. I thought Collinsworth wasn't going to comment on it. But, like, that's literally the only reason the players union exists, because DeMaurice Smith has been as bad a leader as Goodell has for the other side. (And the shitty North Carolina rules that overturns a conviction because the victim doesn't show up for a appeal hearing also needs to be called out.)


Brandon Graham gets penalized 15 yards for being a dumb ass. Sean Lee's hurt AGAIN? Christ. Hey, Murray's back — they were stretching him out earlier. And he just saved Bradford on that one. Jordan Matthews caught a pass? Touchdown Ryan Mathews. Now who's hurt? It doesn't feel like Graham's done a lot this year and it does feel like he's done a lot tonight. Cole Beasley's the Cowboys' most productive offensive player tonight. That's problematic... for both sides. The joke about that McFadden stat is that it's the first time in his career he's played three consecutive games. HEYO! Seriously, why is Beasley the Cowboys' best player in a tied game?



IT'S RAINING IN JERRYWORLD. Did a plastic bag just fly in? What was that? Seriously, why is Beasley the Cowboys' best player in a tie game? JORDAN HICKS, COWBOY KILLER. Classic Cowboys quarterback interception. Seriously, dude wasn't supposed to play this year, much less do this. Splendid kickoff coverage, Eagles. Grape job. Wait, NOW WHAT? That's the second time Cassel's done that tonight! That's ridiculous. What do you even do about that? That may be the shortest Hail Mary of all time.


Good catch by Ertz. It's happening again in fits and starts. If this game was in Philadelphia they'd be... suspicious... of this injury. ESPECIALLY after the second one. That... may have worked under a different set of circumstances. Kick it. (That second Cardinals game was flexed, by the way.) Witten's been doing that for years. The Eagles needed a turnover at this point — Bailey's not going to miss this. I didn't realize there was that little time left. Wow, Jordan Matthews ran free there. Sean Lee OFFICIALY out. There's two minutes left. So. 53. GOT IT.


Here we go. How does Cassel have 11 game-winning drives? Thurmond broke that up. He's far exceeded expectations. McFadden only gets five. And Williams converts. That seems like a bad call. THAT one is horrible.


False start? Good job, Cowboys. Yeah, that's holding. Oh God, we're going to overtime. That was closer than it should have been.


OK, Murray's asserting himself. Matthews is stopped short. God, now what? 4th and 3 from the Dallas 43? A shotgun run? What? Mathews got it and FUMBLED? Jesus. Oh thank God he's down and it's obvious. Cris: "The Eagles fans are cheering. You can tell." Well, there are no loud cheers in this stadium. JORDAN MATTHEWS!!!!


That's a relief. (Eagles 33, Cowboys 27, OT)

Lot of remainders left here. Good job by Verrett to get his arms up and mess with Jeffrey's vision. Gould missed? That doesn't happen. Also, there's very little left of the Bears' defense. Nice coverage on Woodhead, guys. snark Is this a fumble? It sure is. This seems like a good night for Melvin Gordon to do something.


Malcom Floyd's hurt again? Neither of these teams can afford to lose anybody else.
That's uncalled for. So that's a catch and a fumble. Who wants to try to figure out how this will be ruled incomplete? Oh, it stood. Was that the NEXT PLAY? That's partially on Jeffrey for letting Verrett push him off the route.


And Jay Cutler is now the Bears' all-time leader in touchdown passes. Tirico calling the Bears a "ground-based organization" would seem a bit hilariously over the top for any other franchise. Gordon hasn't rushed for 408 yards this SEASON yet? Man, things really have gone south. Did that say 2nd and 37? And now it's 3rd and 26. This'll end well. Bears stay being stupid out here in these streets. They just gave the Chargers three points. Dude had Bennett in a chicken wing and got away with it. Stop throwing that pass, Cutler. Gould missed AGAIN?!? Rivers throws to no one on third down. That's the loudest this crowd has been all night outside of the Gould misses. And the Bears convert. It's weird to see this offense working this well. Touchdown? No. NOW touchdown.


That field goal was large. The Chargers can't afford to lose anybody else. Good catch by Jeffrey in traffic. The Bears are rolling. Touchdown! Do Cutler and Rivers still hate each other? I'm not sure anymore. So Rivera has been sacked twice in three plays, and in between the guy who did it lined up offside. 4th and 23? This won't work. (Bears 22, Chargers 19)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. New England (8-0) — Getting by with a B performance
2. Cincinnati (8-0) — It's all happening
3. Carolina (8-0) — Survive and survive again
4. Denver (7-1) — But now a more distant fourth

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tennessee (2-6) — Though this may say more about the Saints team they beat
30. Cleveland (2-7) — I know I ask this all the time, but what's the plan here?
31. Jacksonville (2-7) — Mistakes were made (in the endgame)
32. Detroit (1-7) — They may have lost to the bye week
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