Saturday, December 12, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Improbablility Drivers

But this game's in Detroit. Oh, all right then. Ameer Abdullah hit the rookie wall in, like, Week 2 and just now got over it. When's the last time the Lions won three in a row? Big run by Abdullah on this next drive. Nice job covering Ebron, Packers. And Rodgers just threw an interception, and it wasn't a good throw. That was a good throw by Stafford and Megatron did what he does. That's grounding. The Lions know it.


And that's pass interference. it was an effective face guard, but a face guard nonetheless. Holy hell, it's 17-0? How? And now Crosby's missed after hitting the upright. The Packers' offensive line has been getting destroyed tonight.


Nice hair, Nantz. 1991? If that's a junior prom photo, that would make Tracy Wolfson about my age and it seems like she's been around forever. The Lions can pretty much run the clock out here. And now for the announcement that was leaked eight hours ago.


Other artists? What does that mean? The Packers' defense is struggling in its own right. Like, the Lions have gotten back into the chase thanks in no small part to the Packers' own fall-off. Field goal is good. The Portsmouth Spartans! It's funny to think about the cities where pro sports teams used to play. Hey, Starks got a carry. And another one. Fumble! Touchdown Cobb!


And the Packers follow it up with a turnover. Touchdown Adams! It's suddenly a six-point game. A lot of Lions have been helped off the field tonight. Who's this Crockett dude for the Packers? Oh, he's the guy from North Dakota State. Now another Packers O-lineman is hurt, and this is becoming ridiculous. This is an important third down for the Lions... and they won't get it. Oh, offsides Packers. So now it's 3rd and 10. Still short. I like going for this. 4th and 2 and you need to score on this drive, probably. Nice quick pass to Tate to convert. Stafford running? Simms is big on "gambles" tonight.


That looks like a first down, and I suppose it is. I'm amazed Shields didn't intercept that. Still, they've got a shot at points here. And it's good. That Starks bobble is not what the Packers needed. Now they're going for it.. and Sims agrees? Wow. I don't mind the time out. Get this right. Mini-wheel route to Cobb? OK. Sounds like Lacy's back in the dog house. Good pass between the Rodgerses. I guess Aaron's the Packers' best runner. What, NFL Network couldn't find an actor willing to play a Cardinals fan, so they had to use Warner for this spot? And it's not like it's 2000 or "anytime before 1989." The Cardinals are good now! That's a clutch pass to... whoever that is... to get that 3rd and 12. Man, Tracy's taken a beating tonight. First the prom photo and now reliving Michigan-Michigan State. FACE MASK? FACE MASK? Rodgers was eating his chin strap. Now we've got an actual shot at a Hail Mary. TOUCHDOWN!!! Caldwell's in disbelief. So is everyone else in Ford Field.




 



Richard Rodgers posted up and had a shell of teammates around him. No Lion could get to the ball. Think about this: The Lions can't even out-Brown the Browns. That's how cursed that franchise is. (Packers 27, Lions 23)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ NYG, SEA @ MIN, SF @ CHI, PHI @ NE, CAR @ NO (end)

Multiview? Look at you, CBS, getting all fancy. I'm not sure how JPP is supposed to tackle anybody with that club on what's left of his hand. Fitzpatrick didn't sweat that safety blitz at all. Hey, a stop. About time, Giants. Come on, Beckham. Stop showing off. How do you rally the crowd in THIS game?
Punt returns for touchdowns shouldn't be that hard, man. They had both Harris and Beckham back on it again? They did that the first time, too, and I don't think they've done that much this year. This is the most pressure the Giants have gotten on the quarterback this season. That' is also clearly a fumble. And we've got a wrestling match five yards away from the play. AND we've got a late hit after it all allegedly ended. Hakeem Nicks caught a pass? Stop the presses. Williams gets... stuffed. And the Giants aren't going for it, which is a moral victory for the Jets. Unsportsmanlike conduct on the Jets bench? Did they re-hire Rex Ryan?


I feel like the refs did that just to penalize Coughlin for wasting their time. I mean, Powell got the first down anyway. Touchdown Jets. Good Lord. Beckham just set the Jets on fire. Gilchrist wouldn't have caught him if he'd stopped. And then the Giants somehow didn't pick off that pass. I'm not sure if Prince just got unlucky or he mistimed his reach. Wait, Beckham didn't catch that? That's an upset. Really, refs? Marshall pops a dude in the face and you throw the flag on the other guy? Ah, roommate issues. Now Will Tye's doing his Beckham impression. The Giants just leaped offside. Why are Beckham and Sheldon Richardson in the same place? False start on a punt? Same old Jets. Flags everywhere. Skrine's had better days. By the way, this is the same drive. This is some Michigan State last night action. 4th and 2 from the 4 and the Giants go. ELICEPTION. Right into double coverage. The Jets might want to pick up the pace here — they do have to score twice, after all. Marshall! Then Fitzpatrick misses everyone and it's 4th down. Now what?


Oh. At least the Jets' defense held. Running into the punter? Oh Lord. Feels like Powell and not Ivory has been making the big plays in this game. Don't get sacked, Fitz. Oh, he converted a 4th and 6 with a run! Call time out, guys. So because Moore got hurt on the play, the Jets get their time out back and the Giants lose one. Touchdown Marshall!


We're going to overtime. The Giants can't cover the Jets' receivers anymore, either. Any way JPP wasn't offsides there? Delay of game? That actually helps the Jets. No idea what that was. Jets kick it. Harris almost broke off another one. Kicking the ball is a delay of game? I mean, I get why. Beckham got that one, though. Now let's set this up.


Brown MISSES! Jets win! (Jets 23, Giants 20, OT)

THROW THE FLAG, ZIMMER. Good. Dare I say it, but this is an easy one. The Seahawks seem to make so many little mistakes. We need to find out what's up with Anthony Barr and Harrison Smith soon because the Vikings can't bring anyone down. That's two missed tackles on that touchdown. SO far, the Seahawks have put a guy in front of Peterson at all times. So Smith just got hurt and Barr reinjured his groin. Ouch. Wait, there are stadiums in the Twin Cities that aren't named after Target? I demand an investigation. Good job by Lynch to remind us that the Seahawks got lit up on defense last week. That reverse... did not work. Carroll's about to lose a challenge by wasting it on a spot. Nice catch and survival skills by Lockett, hanging on after getting double-teamed. Did he get hit or did the two Vikings hit each other's heads? Oh, BOTH. Shit. Wait, what happened there? The Vikings haven't been able to keep Wilson contained. That may have been a designed run. Not sure. Back to that penalty on Robison, he's telling the ref "I didn't know he was down" and I'm glad FOX showed us that. That one got away from Bridgewater and Earl Thomas was waiting for it like he was fielding a ground ball at second base.  And Baldwin cashes in immediately. This game might be over.


Hey, the Seahawks just ran the play that they should have run at the end of the Super Bowl. (Seahawks 38, Vikings 7)

The Falcons are going to lose out the string. I'm convinced. I mean, who are they beating? What's happened to Matt Ryan? (Buccaneers 23, Falcons 19)

CUTLER VS. GABBERT. HOORAY. What are the Bears doing?


The knock on Gabbert has always been that he crumbles and panics under pressure. Has Cutler been overthrowing his receivers all day? "Cleared to return?" What happened to Cutler? And who's the backup now that the Bears cut Clausen a couple weeks ago? Good run by Forte. Cutler did a good job escaping there and finding Jeffrey deep. Mariani? He usually returns kicks. Offensive lineman fullback alert! Yet it was Carey who finished off that touchdown run, driving Bowman back into the end zone. Gabbert can run? Gabbert can run. GABBERT CAN RUN. That has to be embarrassing for Bears fans. And that kickoff return has to be embarrassing for 49ers fans. Carey with the first down on 3rd and 12. Is Forte hurt? Let's line this up. Gould... MISSES?? Was it partially blocked? No, he just shanked it.


I'm not sure he kicked it cleanly. And now we're going to overtime. The 49ers are punting already? I don't think that guy's used to being that far down field. Just dropped an interception. Torrey Smith for the win! That dude had no shot. First career outdoor road win for Gabbert? My God. (49ers 26, Bears 20, OT)

THE CHIEFS ARE IN THE 5-SEED SPOT. Good job, Andy. Seriously. (Chiefs 34, Raiders 20)

Here's how you know things have gone wrong: You get demoted from Buck and Aikman to Brennaman and Davis. And you get an officiating crew that was pulled from the Sunday night game because of a bad day they all had last week. Look at all this Sproles involvement. And it's working. Or, it was, until two penalties and Bradford throwing to blanketed receivers killed it. Barwin with a crucifix rollup on Brady. What is going on? Delay of game out of a timeout and the Eagles think it's a clock issue? Then another one on Peters?


The announcers are desperate to find something good to say about the Eagles. I mean, at least they're trying? It's important to note that the Patriots are also running out of offensive linemen. Brady's already been sacked twice. "America's Game of the Week." Don't lie to the people, FOX graphics department. Why is Rupert Murdoch here?


There's that Patriots luck — Brady escapes a sack and floats a ball to Chandler. You're being outscored by a soccer game, you yahoos. OK, not any more. I'm just going to assume this flag is on the Eagles. I'm right! Jenkins got straight-up baited into that pass interference call. So Brady and Blount collide. Interesting. Man, FOX better move some of these games next week. Brady is the best quarterback sneaker ever. That's two touchdowns for the Patriots and on both of them the Eagles have been completely caught out of position. Did those assholes just onside kick? Hey, a Jordan Matthews sighting. Sproles and Barner are killing it. Ertz! That's a big three-and-out. This will be well short. The Eagles might go for this. They should, at least. What have they got to lose? The season's over. So they punt. The Patriots are in no hurry to get to the locker room. PUNT BLOCK TOUCHDOWN! Maragos came in utterly untouched. Are... are those BOOS? You impudent fucks. You're still going to win by 20. Too high, Bradford. And he was lucky that bounced before the defender got it. That's not a catch and fumble? Oh, it's the "control" thing. Whatever. These rules suck.


Someone picked Kendricks on that pass to White (who was wide open again.) Interception Jenkins! Touchdown!!


RETRIBUTION. That Brady throw was Sanchez-esque.


How did Amendola catch that and not get killed on the hit? Brady running is hilarious. SPECIAL TEAMS!! This is astounding.


Good job Charles Davis and the spotters seeing that non-block block by Maragos that gave Sproles his opening. A reverse pass to Brady? Belichick's getting desperate. And Maxwell just picked off Brady in the end zone.




LaFell may have run the wrong route but wow. This drive is going places. Pass interference on the guy defending Agholor? The Patriots are falling apart. Hey, a DeMarco Murray sighting! And I'm a little worried about how much run Barner's getting. Matthews for the touchdown! This is astounding.




Bye-bye, any pretense of a Patriots running game. Great, Brady's mad. Try covering James White, guys. Touchdown Chandler. And they get the onside kick because they're the Patriots.


Oh, Kiko. How  do you fall down? They hit you with an instant ice slick? And right after you stuffed the swing pass on the previous play, too. Remember earlier about Brady's sneaking ability? Yeah, that.


This one won't work. Good looking out, Cooper. Just run the ball, Chip. Don't throw it! COOPER!! That was ballsy and should not have worked and was maybe the best thing either of those guys has ever done in the pros. No, Barner! Don't fumble! (Why wasn't Sproles or Murray in the game there? You can't put that kid in that spot.) The Eagles haven't covered James White all game. How is it fourth down again? Oh, that's right, they spiked it on first. Incomplete! EAGLES WIN! This was chiseled in stone as a loss the day the schedule came out. I have no idea what happened. (Eagles 35, Patriots 28)

Two minutes left! Impeccable timing by all involved. The Panthers clinched the division earlier when the Falcons derped again. They just showed the Olsen roll-catch that kept the drive alive. Cotchery's been so good for the Panthers. See? What did I just say? Of course, there's still time. And just like that, the Saints are at midfield. You call time out there if you're the Panthers because you want to get this exactly right. This is it. Throw's off target. Panthers win. Who had them at 12-0? Liars.


(Panthers 41, Saints 38)

So NBC's going to show Obama's speech before going to the game. Now is the game going to start on time, or...? That was... quick. Are Al and Cris wearing Gore-Tex? No need to yell, Tomlin. She's right there. Man, Steelers Jacoby Jones has NOT been Ravens Jacoby Jones. Matt Hasselbeck, The Venerable One. There's three dudes from that draft class still in the league — him, Peyton, and Woodson — and Hasselbeck may be having the best season of all of them. He then throws an interception at the 1-yard line.


We doing all STP tonight, NBC DJ? I'd be down. Good run by DeAngelo. Fumble! Dear Lord, this is chaos. Watch this field goal get blocked. Or not.


SO MUCH COMEDY. This is ridiculous. Brandon Boykin LIVES! Yeah, he lost it for a second but it never hit the ground. Not sure how Hilton caught that. Shanice? Really, NBC DJ? In less than an hour, we went from this:




to this:


I'm assuming this "Colts quarterbacks under pressure" graphic hasn't been updated. Andre Johnson lives! What are the Steelers pointing at? Oh, the play clock. Touchdown Gore.


Bryant with a big leaping catch. Good ups, kid. Antonio Brown's really good. He just barely beat Davis for that touchdown. Ben had Spaeth open on the left side but it still worked out. 14-10. Is that the first NFL wristband? I don't think Jacoby Jones actually likes Pittsburgh. To give Collinsworth credit, I'm not sure many other NFL color guys have punt returning experience. "He's killed the Steelers over the years. Not helping 'em tonight, either." Personal foul? Yeah? Oh. The Steelers make up the difference quickly and relatively easily. Wait, that's a touchdown? Oh, it sure is. Collinsworth's talking about Boykin like it's last year with the Eagles. Greg Toler's gotta go. Every time the Colts are on TV, he gets lit for at least two big plays a game. Martavis Bryant smoked him. Yeah, people forget HOW good those Steelers offenses were. Frank Gore still has moves? What's with all the delays of game? Yeesh. What's Hasselbeck doing? Why call a pass there on 4th and 1? Awful. And Brown burns the Colts again. Bet it was Toler. No, it was Davis as part of a double-team to boot. That's disrespectful. Between Brown and Mike Wallace, the Steelers definitely picked the right guy. Fumble out of bounds. I keep saying it, but this James Harrison resurgence defies logic. Oh, Whitehurst is coming in? Smart move. No reason to get the old man killed. Brown's returning this punt? HE SURE IS. Also, OUCH.




Hey, That Super Bowl footage. Nobody needs to see that again. (Steelers 45, Colts 10)



Good start, Redskins! Well, yeah, Tirico. The 2015 Giants don't sack people. That's a good punt return... that won't count. That's also a good return... that also won't count. And on the Cowboys' first play, McFadden fumbles. This is how Sunday night's game started. Nothing is happening. Nothing. Wait, the Cowboys' tablets aren't working?


Of course not. You think Snyder isn't above some Patriots-level sabotage? You really think that? At least Whitehead broke off another decent punt return. Cassel missed Williams and the Cowboys are punting again. 3rd and 23. Nice. This game has gone analog, which is somehow appropriate because these two teams don't deserve high technology. Garcon! Plus a face mask on the Cowboys. Then they lose seven yards and still have to punt. What happens in a tie? Cassel hits Witten for a first down and Hall's disagreeing with the spot. Terrence Williams just beat... somebody. Cassel out here throwing bounce passes. Cousins seems to be having the same drive Cassel just did. I'll assume it also ends in a field goal. It did! Computers still aren't working and it's the third quarter. Did the Cowboys just fumble AGAIN? Yep. Was that Griffin in the owner's box? If anything, Dez pushed off the defender. That's a bad call. I mean, Belichick won 11 games with this dude. Why is John Hanna near the ball on 3rd and 4? I'm impressed Sean Lee's made it through the third quarter here. Another. Cowboys. Turnover. I mean, you can't blame Cassel for this stuff. Street got the ball ripped out of his hands.


These offenses are good for about 50 yards per drive and then bupkis. That's not gonna make it. Nope, wide right. Still 9-6. Someone threw deep! And Dez caught it! No, really, he actually caught this one. #SHADE How do they not get two yards with this offensive line? Tirico and Gruden just said the same thing.


Wait, an NFL game ended 9-5? Bucky Dent Day! The two minute warning has never been so aptly named. Oh, they've gotta look at this. Make a call! Incomplete. OK.


Cowboys punt. GOOD JOB DESEAN. He never fucked up a punt return that badly with under Andy or Chip, I'll tell you that. Wait, the Redskins got it back? Desean owes that dude a game check. Oh, the Cowboys' punter recovered it! Good job by you, friend.


Don't get pushed out of bounds, McFadden. Touchdown Cowboys. They finally converted a short yardage play.


Seriously, what in God's name was Desean doing? And now there's a face mask on the kickoff return. And a bomb to Desean ties it with 44 seconds left. WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?


GO FOR TWO YOU FUCK. Whitehead's been the Cowboys' best player tonight and it's not close.


Now I need to shower in acid. (Cowboys 19, Redskins 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (12-0) — Just enough magic at the end
2. New England (10-2) — Depleted offensive line becoming an issue
3. Arizona (10-2) — Business as usual, I suppose
4. Cincinnati (10-2) — A routine rout of their northern rivals

BOTTOM 4:
28. (tie) Baltimore (4-8) — Some sort of curse/karmic payback at work
28. (tie) New Orleans (4-8) — No mojo left for anyone
30. San Diego (3-9) — Speaking of being depleted...
31. Tennessee (3-9) — That Mariota run is easily their season highlight
32. Cleveland (2-10) — Will it ever end?
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