Wednesday, December 23, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Their Brand Is Crisis

HOLY HELL, RAMS. We got ketchup and mustard out here. Even the logo's been infected. This is not the way to say goodbye to St. Louis, guys.




Gurley just sprinted halfway down the field. Nice initial block on the screen to Austin that set it up. Aaron Donald was not fooled by that play fake. Still, that was good work by the Bucs to even get that much.
Kenny Britt just set that guy on FIRE. Wait, Martin's closing in on a JAMES WILDER record? That's how bad the Bucs have been for most of their history. Lovie and Jameis are mad about something. 4th and 1? NOPE. No way would I have tried to run into the middle of that line. And this subsequent Rams drive has made that seem like a turning point. There's no run Gurley can't make. Touchdown! And 1,000 yards exactly, apparently.


Been an up and down year for Mike Evans, mostly on plays like that. This is their best drive of the game. Well, until that 3rd and goal miscommunication. At least they got points this time. Austin just slipped and slid through the Bucs defense again. Now we've got a fumble. Wait, what? What's Animal Jr. doing? Oh, they said the receiver wasn't touched and that ball was still live? That's frightening and hilarious. Mostly frightening. And that's a touchdown. Holding on the 2-point conversion? THAT'S hilarious. That's the second big return by Cunningham tonight but it never felt like he was going to take it to the house. Mike Jenkins is still in the league? Jameis is mad at SOMETHING. A touchdown here and the Bucs are still in this game. Not sure I'd have thrown three straight times, either. Two Bucs collided? Ouch, and that was a hard crash, too. Big stop by the Buccaneers. Winston's made... better decisions. Hurry up, Bucs. You don't have any time outs left. Whoa! We got a game after all! What's the success rate on onside kicks? Anyone? Well, this one didn't succeed. Goodbye, St. Louis? (Rams 31, Buccaneers 23)

Pardon our lateness. We were entertaining. This game certainly wasn't. Bank shot by Bailey? OK. Is this a fumble? That's close but I can't reverse this. Neither can they. Kenbrell Thompkins is a Jet now? He just jetted past Jones. OH HO HO. That's a decent run. Oh, Bullock's scuffled tonight. It's good! Now about 44 seconds left. Wait, who threw that pass? Kellen Moore? He got some air under it, if nothing else. Kellen Moore played more than half of this game? Dear God. Just pull the plug. (Jets 19, Cowboys 16)

Signal Finder: CAR @ NYG, KC @ BAL, HOU @ IND (end), DEN @ PIT

So the Giants managed to get Kuechly on Beckham and Kuechly had to interfere. Then Beckham mistimed it and drops a touchdown. Then another drop on 3rd down.


At least the punt was good. Yeah, that's holding. Two guys on the gunner. That's already the second run-in Beckham and Josh Norman have had. No idea why Coughlin punted there. 4th and 1 in Panthers territory? Why not try it? SPEED 2. That's a good fake. Cam's gonna score! OK, no he's not, but he almost did.


I'd run that same play again. Oh well, Ginn in the corner works too. Did these refs seriously just issue warnings to both sidelines? Warnings? What is this, baseball? (They don't work in that sport, either.) There's another scrap between them. Aikman just said Beckham took a swing at Cortland Finnegan, who a) I didn't know was on the Panthers, and b) probably did something to deserve it. The Panthers completely forgot to cover Randle. Brutal.


A guy Cam's size shouldn't run as effortlessly as he does. Ginn ended up having to play defense on that one. Oh, they threw a flag on Beckham finally. The Giants' coverage has tightened up. Ouch. Cam got pulverized. And he's not an easy guy to pulverize. And DRC should have had an interception and six points.


That's a fumble and Panthers ball. Forget what I said earlier about the Giants' coverage. Olson just ran away from that dude. Why did the Giants pass on 3rd and 1? Snap the ball, Cam. NICE blitz pickup on the conversion to Cotchery. That's a bullet to Funchess for the touchdown and it doesn't look like the Giants will have a fourth-quarter lead to blow.


Cam throws rockets, man. Rockets. Nice jumping catch by Corey Brown for the TD. And now an OPI on Beckham, who's been completely mind screwed. Wait, was that a three-and-out?


Nice return by Ginn that the punter foiled. The Giants' defense is completely overmatched right now. Ginn on the screen for the touchdown. That small pack of Panthers fans in the end zone is gonna need another carry-on to take all those balls home. Harris got wrecked on that kickoff return. Hey, Beckham finally caught a pass. And there's another penalty on him. Oh my God. Did you see this one? Beckham ran back into the play and dove at Norman's head with his own helmet. Jesus, NOW what? Offsetting? Coughlin has to get Beckham out of there while he still can. And I'm surprised he still can... given Beckham's antics up to this point, that should be an ejection. And it wouldn't have gotten to this point if the officials had taken control of this when it first looked like it was going to get ugly, which was the first drive of the game. And here's something else: Not one Giants player or coach appears to have gone up to him and said, "Cut it out. You're killing us out there." The old Tom Coughlin would have been breathing fire into Beckham's face, and that's why he needs to be fired. OK, that next one's only on Norman, but still. Jennings finds a hole and... scores? Wait, do we have a game again?


This Artis-Payne dude who's in for Jonathan Stewart has done some good things. That's a cheap shot by Ayers on Cam's knee that didn't get called. The Giants blocked the field goal?! They've got the ball at midfield! Eli's due for a soul-crushing interception, right? Good catch by Tye, who's been the Giants' second-best player today. The Panthers are reeling. THERE IT IS. To be fair, Nicks fell down. But it still played out the way it should have. And the Panthers give it right back on a bad exchange on the handoff. This is unreal. Touchdown Vereen. And the Panthers go three-and-out. They will deserve to lose this game if they do, but the Giants will not have deserved to win it. If that makes sense. Hey, Beckham finally did something positive. It only took three and a half quarters. And Eli fumbles. Or does he? No, he doesn't. That's an incomplete pass and I assume they can't retroactively call that intentional grounding, either. Beckham. Jesus Christ. The weird thing is Norman (who he beat) hasn't really been anything more than average today. But Beckham had been so bad that we didn't notice.


Another clutch grab by Olson. Cam gets away again and slides for a first down — the Giants haven't contained him either. Gano from 43. GOOD!


Improbably, the Giants blow it yet again inside two minutes.


Everyone should be fired. (Panthers 38, Giants 35)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: This may end up being the most misleading score of the year. Your team just didn't show up today, Bills Nation. (Redskins 35, Bills 25)

Unnecessary roughness penalty on the Ravens? THAT'S never happened before. And the Chiefs pay it off with a touchdown by West. Who's even starting for the Ravens? Oh, it's Clausen again. I've seen this Juszczyk dude before and I haven't been sure whether he's a fullback or a tight end. What was that fake punt? Throw it if you're going to do that. On 4TH AND 20, even? Harbaugh's lost it. And the Chiefs cash in again with Maclin. Wait, did Kamar Aiken catch that Hail Mary at the 5 and run it in? That's a brand new one. Boomer, at halftime: "Those are ugly pants." I hadn't noticed because I've admittedly watched about six minutes of this game. Oh. Oh no. Oh no no no no. Who thought purple and mustard yellow was a good combination? Did they steal the Redskins' yellow pants? Is Clausen limping or was that just a hitch? A hearty fuck you to Aiken for putting up a 22-point fantasy performance after I benched you because Jimmy Clausen was your quarterback. Speaking of teams having miserable seasons, Clausen just threw a pick-six. J's a Harvard man, too? (Chiefs 34, Ravens 14)

The Texans have never won in Indianapolis. Brandon Weeden is their quarterback after T.J. Yates appeared to blow something in his knee.


Punter Shane Lechler is the nominal backup. And they just recovered a fumble and returned it into Colts territory. That field goal is good. Can Matt Hasselbeck lead a rally here? That's a "no". The Houston Texans are in first place. (Texans 16, Colts 10)

THE FALCONS WON A GAME! STOP THE PRESSES!! (Falcons 23, Jaguars 17)

Wheaton may have been down there but it's not worth challenging. Fumble? Already? No bueno, Broncos. Ben just fed DeAngelo a volleyball serve. Touchdown Steelers. Now a fumbled snap? Oh boy. This could turn bad quickly. Sanders has been big on this Broncos drive. Osweiler to Thomas for the touchdown. Good throw. Wait, was that live? Sanders cut them up.


Oh, that just got ugly. No. 30 on the Broncos got drilled three yards away from the play after the play was over. And note that this crew threw a flag immediately. I guess they watched Panthers-Giants. If these Steelers fans are smart, they're actually booing their guy for doing something so stupid and blatant. Is this an interception? It is — it bounced off dude's hand, not the grass. Good run by Hillman. Followed by a bad run by Hillman. Osweiler can run? Huh.


Missed the extra point, though. Wait, that Brown play got negated by a penalty? It did. Jeez. And this flag will go the other way. The field goal is good and we've got more violence. That said, this crew had done a better job getting control of things than the goofs at the Meadowlands, who let everything go for an entire half before things got really ugly. The Steelers should consider covering Sanders. Or Thomas. I mean, preferably both, but either would be fine. Osweiler running off? And Peyton's not active... so what does this mean? Brown got out of bounds but waited about 4 seconds deciding what to do. Not sure why they went to Miller there when he had no shot of getting out of bounds. Field goal is good. 27-13. We haven't had a lot of Antonio Brown vs. Chris Harris yet. This drive seems to be making up for it. That's a tough pass interference call on Harris. Touchdown Brown and he seems to be on the verge of having one of those games. Wait, what's this? That ball was live? This guy's gonna score, are you kidding me? Somebody screwed THAT up. Oh my God. And it appears that that somebody was, in fact, the Broncos, who came on to the field thinking the play was dead. No touchdown. Incredible. Does every Markus Wheaton touchdown go to a corner of the end zone or is it just me? Was that holding call late or... oh, they're saying he couldn't get his flag out. Vernon Davis has been a bust with the Broncos. What was that inaction? "For those of you tuning in to see '60 Minutes'... seriously? You should know how this works by now." Shazier came up with that interception after Gay almost did. Touchdown Brown. Those three guys are great.


WOW. Ben just threw a terrible interception when the Steelers didn't need to throw the ball at all. Jesus, Osweiler is trying to lose this game. And he succeeded. Four and out and that's it.


(Pssst: The Chiefs are now one game back in the West.) (Steelers 34, Broncos 27)

Another hearty fuck you to Danny Woodhead for scoring four touchdowns after doing absolutely nothing for the last month, causing me to bench you in the aforementioned fantasy playoff game where I got beat by 65.


Goodbye, San Diego? (Chargers 30, Dolphins 14)

FLEXING. It is AMAZING how bad the Cardinals have been as a franchise. That's how the Cardinals beat the Eagles last time except Brown didn't catch it. And HOW didn't he catch that? That was worse than Beckham's drop. The Cardinals aren't even trying to run the ball. Tackle lower, Maxwell! Dude was wearing him like a backpack. That was ridiculously easy. Then the Eagles come back with Bradford throwing a dangerous pass that Matthews caught. Holding on a running back? That's a new one. Another good play by Matthews — but Bradford's down again. Best moment in Philadelphia? I'd say "in the NFL", Cris. Yeah, I'd go that far. The Eagles are playing too far off these guys. This offense is too fast, especially on the outside. John Brown having a rough night so far. Sack! Two Will Smith tunes already tonight. Wait, Freeney leads the Cardinals in sacks? That's awful. He wasn't even with them in September, was he? Has Murray really not played yet? Did the Cowboys want to keep him, Al? I'm not real sure that's true. Ertz! Wait, the Cardinals were a man short on that play? OOPS. And double oops for the officials not seeing Campbell call for a time out. That's a great throw by Palmer into good coverage and Brown drops ANOTHER one. Did I just see Maxwell go off again? Peterson ran into his own teammate on that punt return. And it wasn't a soft collision, either. Utterly horrific tackling by the Eagles on that Johnson touchdown run. That's football in 2015 — nobody knows how to hit anyone the right way any more. I'm still not convinced Bradford's good enough to get away with throws into coverage like that on a regular basis, but he just did it again. No measurement? Why not kick the field goal? Oh boy.


Murray may be the worst Philadelphia free-agent signing since Vinny Lecavalier. Wait, that was only a year and a half ago. Collinsworth is entirely too impressed with that Floyd catch. THAT Floyd catch, on the other hand, is impressive. If it counts. Let's see. Yeah, now that we have another angle, that's a catch — his knee hit the ground inbounds first. Get out of the end zone, Bradford! Then he takes another hit but still finds Huff. Sproles has been bottled up tonight. And Bradford is sacked and fumbles. Cardinals ball. Wait, why is Palmer on the sideline? They're looking at his finger. They're taping it up. Meanwhile, Ryan Mathews just fumbled. Palmer back in and testing the finger with a short pass. Watkins and Biggers may not be able to hold up. I'm surprised Fitzgerald hasn't set them on fire more than he has. Then John Brown spins away from Biggers and walks into the end zone. Oh, I remember this Pratt dude from a few years ago. He's still on the team? Go Cardinals. Collinsworth: "It's borderline outrageous." And now, Bradford throws a pick-six. We're done here.


The cameras went to Sanchez like was getting ready to come in but he just put on a coat. What was THAT? Someone screwed up and Matthews could have taken that in backwards but he's not that kind of guy. Now Ertz is down. He's had a good stretch these last few weeks, even in the games the Eagles have sucked in. Might as well go for it down 20. Why the hell am I seeing Patrick Peterson dressed as an elf? Another Bradford pick. This won't help matters. Of course, the Cardinals could legitimately win the title, so. (Cardinals 40, Eagles 17)

This game's full of guys who may need to move on after this season. Stafford just ran into two guys. A penalty "probably on Brandon Browner?" You don't say!


Damn, Hightower was out of the league for THREE years? Man. An infection after ACL surgery. Didn't know that and good to see he got back. Good coverage by Slay to force the field goal attempt. Stafford's picking the Saints' "defense" apart. Jesus. Ebron's stride-for-stride with two guys and still outrunning them. That's just too easy.


Brees is limping? That's not good. Wait, Matt Flynn's a Saint? When did that happen? Theo Riddick just faked Ellerbee out of his jock. And Tate scores with little resistance. So how do the Lions blow this one? Will this count? It might. Or it won't. There's a run by Hightower and he gets in. Illegal formation? Wait, so the guy reported on first down but not on second? You have to know that, right? The third time is NOT the charm. Saints should go for it. And now the Lions pull a Chris Webber. Touchdown! Another flag? Ineligible lineman downfield? So, as Tirico just said, the Saints got into the end zone three times and didn't score. That's some Lions shiz. They're pulling dudes off the street and getting big plays on the Saints. Abdullah walked into the end zone untouched. Someone coach those kids.


Touchdown Cooks. Nice touch on that ball by Brees, who was also roughed because there's a flag at his feet. That's a horse collar. Where'd Snead come from? Seriously, I'm asking. This is the same drive? I feel like the Saints would have preferred a touchdown there. The Saints are challenging? Saints ball! This is how it starts. Gotta bring in that screen pass, Bell. ANOTHER fumble? Christ. Well at least the Lions got this one back. Touchdown Ebron. 35-20 now. Now we've got another situation with Watson. Is THIS a catch? Man, that's close. This is taking way too long for a game that literally does not matter. So he stayed inbounds. OK. So many incompletions. The Saints are running out of time and dude getting stopped at the 2 didn't help. Touchdown Watson. They'll have to go for two at some point, but I think kicking it here is right. I see Megatron's in on this onside kick. If they'd had that much foresight against the Packers, they might still be in the playoff race. And they miss the field goal because of course they do. And now look at this situation. Megatron IS in on defense! Good job, Caldwell. That fizzled out. (Lions 35, Saints 27)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (14-0) — You need to survive a few times to get this far
2. Arizona (12-2) — Hitting peak efficiency
3. New England (12-2) — An unremarkable ass kicking
4. Green Bay (10-4) — Feels like the ship's been righted

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (4-10) — That was probably it
30. San Francisco (4-10) — Seriously? You got beat by A.J. McCARRON?
31. Tennessee (3-11) — And now Mariota's probably done for the year
32. Cleveland (3-11) — So much for good feelings
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