Thursday, October 1, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Things We Regret




I feel bad for not recognizing the Redskins guy with LT in the intro. This is what happens when you come in 30 seconds late. Nice pick, Jordan Reed. The Wizards could use you. That was close. Flag? Oh, offsetting penalties. OK. BLOCKED! SAFETY! The golden combo of special teams fuckery. No idea what Cousins was looking for there. And people think the Redskins need to franchise him? Really?




That took long enough. Touchdown Giants. Then the Redskins get stuffed and have to punt again, and Harris fumbles the return (but gets it back). Reuben Randle lives! And of course a penalty sets them back. Good blocking on the Jennings screen. A pick? No, that hit the ground. This'll be overturned. Good thing, too, because the last thing we need in DeAngelo Hall thinking he's good again. Hey, a decent Redskins drive! I'm shocked. Well done by Landon Collins to knock down the pass and prevent a touchdown.
These games are always so dire. Some good work by Cousins on this drive. Bubble screen? Dude ran right through the Giants' defense. And it's a kickers' duel now.




This two-minute drill's gonna fizzle out, and not because of the Redskins. That's why Harris won't play on offense whenever Cruz returns. Randle's having a drive. Can anybody close? Prediction: The next touchdown wins. Cousins just threw another pass to a non-open receiver. But at least it was deflected into an interception instead of the main guy picking it off.








Running the ball might be the best option here. It feels like there have been 19 penalties tonight but it's only nine. Beckham! It's about time, Giants. And Cousins' numbers against the Giants are historically bad. This might actually be over. Has Matt Jones played tonight? Hell, has Alfred Morris played tonight? Delay of Game? Really? After you've come so far? Oh, there's Matt Jones, fumbling into the end zone.




This is obscene. Let's hang back on this now. Also the first time I've heard Garcon's name tonight. (In fairness, Cincinnati-Memphis was far more entertaining at this point.) Both coaches seem... nonplussed by the ruling.




Coughlin forgot scoring plays are automatically reviewed. Oh, the Giants just got a HUGE break on that onside kick. It bounced off Randle, but Vereen was able to fall on it. And THEN Randle catches a deflection that deflected off of him for the final touchdown.




Or not, as the Giants special teams fail them again. Garcon caught that? He sure did.




A draw to end the game. Splendid and appropriate.  (Giants 32, Redskins 21)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NYJ, PIT @ STL, CIN  @BAL (start, end), IND @ TEN (end), CHI @ SEA

Catch or not, that's not a first down. Triple coverage, Sam? Really? Who are you, Kirk Cousins? And Ryan Mathews is now the Eagles' leading rusher this season. Bad release by Peters on that Mathews screen that went nowhere. Hey, two first downs on one drive! And a third one! Austin beat Cromartie there but the ball was overthrown. Points! The Eagles have the lead! Alert the media! That's a good punt. Sproles just bailed Bradford out there. The Jets can't do much on offense. Even running the ball they're having problems. ANOTHER terrible throw by Bradford. SPROLES!!! Sounds like some displaced Eagles fans headed up the Turnpike. Man, these quarterbacks SUCK. That's not Bradford's fault — Mathews has struggled with dropping passes so far.




What I don't get is how the play clock is getting so close to zero. They've already had one delay of game. Good try, Kerley. The Jets are challenging this? His elbow's clearly out of bounds first. Zach Ertz lives! Where have these holes been the first two weeks? Wow! Bradford hit Ryan Mathews in stride! And he scored!







Wait, WHAT? Really stupid move by Brandon Marshall there — he tried to pitch it as he was going down and turned it over. That's close, but... I think this'll stay Eagles ball. Turnover or not, that's just moronic. Why do that? Stands. Give the Eagles' O-line this: They have pass protected. That was unnecessary but maybe not illegal? I don't know. This is officially a beatdown. This is bad clock management by the Jets on this two-minute drill. Oooh, I forgot they lost a time out on that ill-conceived challenge. Good looking out, Burkhart. That's a touchdown if the throw's even mediocre. Fitzpatrick got away from a sack before he got that off, and Marshall went up and got it.




That's the best ball Fitzpatrick's thrown today. Good coverage by the rookie Eric Rowe. Bradford's inability and/or unwillingness to throw downfield is crippling. Rowe's having a quarter. Nice pick. Caught it like he was the receiver.




That missed Bradford-to-Sproles started and ended badly. That is pure double coverage, Fitzpatrick. Stop doing that. Maxwell's playing well today. They actually have him up on the line of scrimmage pressing guys, which is what he does. I'm with the announcers — I think Fitzpatrick's roll forward got him the first down. This is four-down territory for the Jets, right? Has to be. Another Fitzpatrick run converts. Touchdown Kerley. The Jets needed that. The Eagles are slowing things down. Mathews fumbles? Jets ball! They needed that. They DIDN'T need to give it back two plays later. Jordan Hicks is having a game, and Brandon Bair (Cedric Thornton's replacement) deflected the pass. These three-and-outs aren't helping the cause, though. Been a real feast-or-famine day for Marshall today. And that's more famine.




They kicked the field goal? Really? Yeah, that's that. That's not a smart penalty by the Eagles to push them back 10 yards on 3rd and 6. And a defensive penalty will put this baby to bed.




(Eagles 24, Jets 17)




THE TURF. THE TURF. THE TURF IS ON FIRE. WE DON'T NEED NO WATER, WE GOT THIS THING:




(And of course we need the source:)


It's been 20 minutes! Jamie Erdahl earning her salary for the week. Good job. And we're underway finally. Bell looks rested. For reference, the affected area is closer to the corner. They gave Bell the touchdown? OK. This time the Steelers went for two and it didn't work. But I suspect they won't stop doing it. Wow, the Rams didn't even act like they weren't faking that punt. That throw was just short. 9-3? Apparently nobody wants to go over there. What happened to Roethlisberger? That really doesn't look good. And it's not a penalty because it's not like the Rams player dove low at him — he just lost his balance and crawled up into him. It's Vick time. Now 41 took a knee to the head from Tre Mason because he didn't go low on a tackle. What do you do? Oh, now it's Foles vs. Vick, I just realized. And Foles doesn't seem to have done anything so far today. Foles took a hit he didn't have to take. Is this four-down territory? The Rams don't think so, I guess. This is a catch — that ball never hits the ground. Or does it? That other angle makes it look like it may have. Incomplete. This was... unremarkable. (Steelers 12, Rams 6)

Wait, the Ravens committed a bad penalty at a critical moment? That's never happened before. Andy Dalton making dudes miss. That's fine-worthy. Oh, they've put the fire out in St. Louis? OK cool guys. A.J. Green is a NINJA. Facemask on the Ravens because of course it's on the Ravens. Flacco had Marlon Brown on the other side, and didn't see him. And he didn't have to hurry. Now the Bengals have a dilemma: do they try a field goal here, or just run the clock down and maybe leave the Ravens time? Oh, they ran the ball. OK. (Bengals 28, Ravens 24)




And they both lost their games in frighteningly similar fashion. Luke went 31-for-38 and the Saints still lost. It's over for them, isn't it? (Panthers 27, Saints 22; Raiders 27, Browns 20)




Wait, why are the Titans lining up to kick off? Oh, that embarrassment to running backs everywhere was a two-point conversion try? Thanks for TELLING us that, guys. The Colts still run that division, if nothing else. (Colts 35, Titans 33)

Who's this dude? No, not Clausen, the other dude who's where Lynch is supposed to be. The Seahawks' defense seems oddly out of sorts. They may not be used to having Chancellor back yet. RICHARD SHERMAN ON THE FAKE PUNT RETURN.




For whatever reason Clausen decided to dive three yards short of the first down marker. Hey, there's Lynch. And there's Jimmy Graham. He's... not down. Oh, the Bears challenged it. They said he was down? Oh, all right. I did not know Michael and Martellus Bennett were brothers. Or that they've already faced each other twice before. So the replay refs have gotten both Bears challenges wrong. SPLENDID. That's an awful punt. McConaguhey's on his Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in this Lincoln MKX ad.




The Seahawks are scuffling on offense. This is why they theoretically went out and got Graham. And there he is, twice even. Refs have sucked so far. Call time out! That's good defense. Kick it. Tyler Lockett? Tyler Lockett! No flags! The Seahawks needed that like the Eagles needed Sproles. Jimmy Clausen might as well ave not shown up today. That's a bad sack. The Seahawks don't target Baldwin enough. Graham! They found him!




This was just sad, Bears. Just sad. (Seahawks 26, Bears 0)

Be hospitable, Detroit. Don't let the bus get hijacked. Weird to see Peyton Manning and Chip Kelly offenses at the bottom of the league. Hey Lions? Block Demarcus Ware.




That seems to have sparked somebody. So... I guess they're not kicking this. I wasn't sure they would, but that sort of clinches it. That's... an interception. I think? Yes. That turnaround didn't last long. "Rear end." This is a disturbing pattern. And I'm not talking about Abdullah's fumbles. When all else fails, throw it to Megatron. Seriously, you didn't draft Eric Ebron to block people. That's was doomed to failure. I'm kind of surprised there's still no score. That's bad tackling. Well done, Broncos offensive line. Johnson's still one of the best in the business. Don't forget that. Bell goes over the pile for the touchdown. You don't see that much any more. Extra point blocked! Fourth and 1 and the Broncos... are going for it. And its a bomb to Thomas for the touchdown! And he had to extend over the defender to do it. BRONCOS DE DENVER. Caldwell's challenging this one, too. Oh, this might get reversed. And it's Lions ball. Nope, can't hit a sliding quarterback. Well done, Stafford. Prater had food poisoning? This will NOT work. I wish I had context for Al discussing the relocation history of the Sacramento Kings. The Pac-Man death sound for a foul on the opposing team? Well done, Lions. Well done. The Seahawks still miss Golden Tate, who's become the best No. 2 Calvin's ever had. That could have gone better.




Peyton somehow got that out of his hands. The Silverdome has seen better days. I mean it's not even technically a dome anymore. This bumper reminds me I feel like we haven't heard enough Motown tonight. And that's why Matthew Stafford still hasn't gained full trust. How do you line up wrong on the field  goal attempt? How does that happen? Feels like the Lions should be doing down the field here. Or not. Great play by Bruton and that might realistically have sealed it. Good Lord Emmanuel Sanders! Darius Slay needs to either grow three inches or work on his vertical. Touchdown Daniels and THAT seals it. The sack won't count? Quick, cut away, NBC replay guy!  Cris: "I have no commentary." Though he's right about the Lions not throwing for the end zone. (Broncos 24, Lions 12)






The Chiefs STILL haven't had a wide receiver score a touchdown? That's insane. Did Rodgers underhand that to Lacy? Looked like it. Lacy's ankle also looks fine. That was easy enough. These are the early signs of abuse. On both sides of the ball.




Now Starks is styling on the Chiefs. Who's THIS dude? Cobb! Gruden did a lot of talking on a play that got six yards. I'm legit surprised the Packers didn't convert that 4th and 5. They've done everything else right so far. Charles! This... should stand. I didn't realize Larry Johnson scored 61 touchdowns. It's gonna be a long night for the Chiefs' secondary at this rate. And they just nullified a Chiefs turnover. Cobb again. Oh, but this won't count. Hey, a field goal. That's a win for this Chiefs defense. What's with all of these short passes by the Chiefs? Is Sam Bradford their quarterback? Oh wait, Alex Smith is, that's right.






Ty Montgomery not having the best second quarter after scoring a touchdown in the first. BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN GREEN BAY. Looks like the Pope just left. Hell of a time to bring up the Chiefs practicing for the hard counts after they got lit up by one. Gotta make that interception, dude. That stat about how this is the most penalties that have ever been called in three weeks is SO believable. Touchdown... Maclin? What? Whaaaaat?




Tirico: "It's over!" We're still in the third quarter? My God. Highlights! Derrick Thomas, man. Dan Saleamua! Aaron Rodgers isn't fair, you guys. I think that's why Reid didn't go for two — he knew it wouldn't matter.
Jeremy Maclin, expert juggler. Yeah, they'll call that every time. Charles showing some power. I love how they showed all the scrubs that got taken before Rodgers.




Wait, why would that be a safety? Gruden's waxing nostalgic again. Yeah, Jon, if the Bucs had been smart enough to draft Aaron Rodgers, you might still be coaching. Good job parting the seas for Charles, guys. It's only a 10-point game? (Packers 38, Chiefs 28)
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