Thursday, September 24, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: The Wastelands

"05"? Let's get it together, graphics guys.




This is what the Broncos will have to do now — run the ball more. That's a big gain and it's going to get bigger because Smith got hit low. It seems like every play other than that one has gone for the exact same amount of yards. Mind showing us what the guy did, CBS? Charles isn't going to make this. Oh, and he fumbles!





Was Peyton even touched on that sack? That pass for Sanders sailed over his head. Now DeMarcus Ware is wreaking havoc. 3rd and 24? That's an all-time bad throw by Smith. The pass rushers of both sides are in control right now. Peyton escaped that time and found Sanders under duress. He cranked that one up, didn't he? Did Sanders drop that or was he hit from behind? Houston came in practically unblocked on that one.
Where are the people behind Game of War getting all this cash? First Kate Upton, now Mariah Carey? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Shotgun on 4th and 1? That seems like a bad idea never mind. Wait, somebody called time out? The play doesn't count? LOL. And the second time is NOT a charm. Is Eric Fisher playing tonight? No? Still hurt? Just wondering. More flags. More flags!




Charles just burst up the left side and bunny-hopped over the goal line. The Broncos can't stop this pass rush, and that's why Peyton got intercepted. A penalty on the KICKING team on the kickoff? That's... rare. And THAT one almost got picked. Let's track this. I still think if you're the Broncos, you need to run the ball to keep the Chiefs' blitzers off Peyton's back. That somersault by Sanders seemed unnecessary but whatever. And then the Chiefs throw two straight passes even though the Broncos have no time outs (for some reason) and Talib intercepts the second one. Brilliant!




That's getting overturned. That dude juggled it about three times before finally catching it and just like that we're tied. Now we've got smack talk going into the locker room, which doesn't make sense. That was almost a great catch by Thomas on the sideline.




Oh, that was good? It curved back in or something. DeAnthony is out of bounds. There's that pass rush again.




This game is playing out like a sandwich with rotted bread. Poor Alex Smith had to juke Von Miller and got nothing for his heroism. The Broncos blew up that Maclin pass attempt. And there's an interception by the Broncos. Oh God. What was Smith even trying to do there? Then Peyton throws into double coverage and it somehow doesn't get caught by ANYONE. This game deserves to end in a tie, but we don't deserve to sit through overtime of it. And thanks to Travis Kelce, we may not. And Knile Davis scores the touchdown? Fantasy owners everywhere are livid.
Really, Simms? I'd blitz like there was no tomorrow. The Broncos can't protect against it. And Thomas just had to jump to save an off-target pass. Wait, they called that uncatchable? Seriously? Thomas goes high again for a catch. One ball short and one off a receiver's fingers. SANDERS! Do the Chiefs have time to do anything? Well, there's THAT. Sweet Jesus. Can't throw it, can't run it. Was that Charles again? The Other Brandon Marshall forces the fumble.
















This is amazing. (Broncos 31, Chiefs 24)

Signal Finder: ATL @ NYG, NE @ BUF, TB @ NO (end), DAL @ PHI

Have the Falcons run the ball at all so far? I'm noticing early that the Giants seem to be getting a little more pressure on Ryan. Jones has six catches already? I don't think that ball broke the plane. Neither do the Giants. And, it turns out, neither do the refs. There's a six-inch mark? Like, specifically? Beckham's out of bounds. But not on that one. So Eli's going to run again? OK. Well hang on here. The Giants are going for it? Penalty? Yeah. At least the kick was good. It's pretty amazing how well the Falcons play-action works when you consider that they never run the ball. Of course, now they do run the ball. It looked like what happened to Casillas was what happens to receivers when they see a defender coming over the middle — he took his eyes off the ball for a split second and couldn't bring it in. That Eli to Beckham touchdown was textbook. I mean, that's the ideal end result of something so well-done. ELI RUNNING! That's the most raw athleticism that guy's ever displayed.




This is why the Patriots never let Vereen carry the ball. Look at all those missed tackles. Sad. Donnell caught that? He did! That's a good run by Andre Williams. That's Biermann's second forced fumble in two weeks. I remember the first time I saw his name was "Kroy" and we all thought it was a typo. Hey, there's Julio Jones again. Odd that after that, the Falcons run more on this drive than they have most of this game. I thought Freeman fumbled on that third and 1. Hankerson again! He's already been better in Atlanta than he ever was in Washington. Jones just mind-screwed Meriwether. (Not that that's any kind of feat.) Jeez. Broncos fans everywhere are wondering, "Where was this Robert Ayers?" I'm not sure about punting here, Falcons. Delay of game? AFTER a Falcons time out? Coughlin's lost it. And then the play clock runs down to 2! Did the Giants hire Greg Roman? (And Roman notably has not had these issues in Buffalo so far.) And then they throw short of the sticks to somebody not named Odell Beckham, Jr. That's a rookie mistake by Landon Collins — he has to touch Hankerson down there. And Jones burns them again! Flag? Oh, defensive holding. Jones's knee is down, though. Now will the Falcons do what the Giants didn't do last week?




I don't think Freeman got there but I see no way to overturn it. "MUST stand." Such candor. Beckham's been abusing Alford all game and he had to hold him there. All of Eli's passes on this drive have been high. Clayborn saved that one by getting in Eli's face and hitting his arm. Is that grounding? Eh, maybe not. And that one hit the ground. Game over. (Falcons 24, Giants 20)

Aaaaand Lesean McCoy's fantasy owners get vultured again at the goal line. Man it's loud up there. Edelman just managed to slip just far enough away to make that catch. Here's the downside of Rex Ryan: When you don't play disciplined, like most of his teams do, things go downhill really fast.




Nice camera work on the Butler interception, CBS. There were  two Bills near Gronk, but... actually, there were three. I stand corrected. And he still ran free into the end zone.




That's as good defense on Gronk as I've seen in some time, and it was by a situational pass rusher. That's a fumble. Do the Patriots not have any other running backs? Because Lewis had a bad fumble in the opener too and he actually played this week.




I wouldn't have given Fletcher No. 24 if I was the Patriots. Even if he asked for it. And that flag helps the Bills overcome another dumb penalty and score a touchdown. That pass protection. That poor Bills linebacker is so overmatched. Seriously, do the Patriots not have any other running backs? I think I'm surprised that CBS is still with this game. Brady fumbles! Bills ball and this thing might not be over yet. Two passes later it's a one-score game. Oh, and three guesses which Patriot got torched... again. Crazy catch by Amendola. This is a big 3rd down for both teams... and the Bills hold. All right, Taylor. Seventy-five seconds and no time outs. Do you have it? Apparently not, as his first pass is tipped and intercepted. (Patriots 40, Bills 32)




It's important to note that the Steelers have had kicker issues since training camp started, and they've apparently just thrown in the towel on the whole "extra point" thing. (We'll come back to this.) Man, Roethlisberger treated the 49ers secondary like it was... well, his own. (Steelers 43, 49ers 18)

Why are the Saints only calling passes in the middle of the field? They're out of time outs! That's good end zone defense by the Bucs. Chris Conte's still in the league? For the love of God, why? And that's incomplete. The Superdome fortress is no more. (Buccaneers 26, Saints 19)

And now Dez could be out for three months. Did they botch the surgery or what? (We later learned that they had to do a bone graft, of all things.) The Eagles' defense is angry to start. I just noticed the Cowboys are wearing their blue jerseys, which is still weird. That's a good punt return. Not sure about that 3rd and 1 pass. Good stop. Maxwell needed that.




That flag was late as hell. Bradford's arm was hit and the refs called the wrong number. Not a lot good going on so far for either offense. Man, Maxwell is getting no respect. Five straight tweets on my timeline asking why Ryans is on the field. What happened to my signal? This is worth challenging even though the Cowboys will probably lose it. Maybe next time. Shouldn't that have gone to Witten? Oh, that's why Ryans is on the field. ALMOST a nice catch by Austin but Patmon knocked the ball out. He may already be their best defensive back. Nothing is working for the Eagles so far. Buck: "I hope America likes defense."




We're still going with the gold 50-yard lines? And then when they get a first down, it gets called back. Is there nothing open down the field? Really? Against a secondary this bad? There's another penalty against the Cowboys and that's the biggest reason it's still only 3-0. And now The Eagles commit two stupid penalties in a row. And now a hold on Ryans gives the Cowboys another first down. No Kiko and now Kendricks is out. Wait, what? Yeah, I don't see how that's a fumble. Wait, WHAT? What was that penalty? Oh. Thanks for finally getting to it, FOX crew. That Romo bootleg was not planned but that entire side of the field flew open.




Another false start. Aikman's not a fan of that illegal contact on Maxwell. Somehow, the Eagles' defense, despite all the penalties and blowing the Romo run, managed to bleed enough clock to keep the Cowboys out of the end zone. That's kind of amazing.






The Eagles' running game is getting blown up on every play. Even the tackles can't help any more. Oh God. A blocked punt returned for a touchdown and the punter's hurt. Remember when the Eagles used to do that to other teams? Pereira's against the flag being picked up for that hit and that might be it. I actually have to disagree here... the helmet-to-helmet was incidental. STOP DROPPING PASSES. Lance Dunbar just lit the lamp for a 39-yard catch. The bow may have finally broken. Fumble! But they didn't return it for a touchdown so it may not make a difference. Also, Romo is down. Now he's leaving the field. Corrente's explanations have been Hochuli-esque. All of Murray's best plays as an Eagle so far have been in the passing game. Brandon Weeden's being told he will not actually throw any passes. That's obvious pass interference. Wait, the Eagles are in the red zone? I don't think we've seen Ryan Mathews yet. What the hell, Bradford? There was nothing there. This game's over. Seriously, that was the worst interception of the entire weekend. Even worse than the Nebraska quarterback, who at least was on the run outside the pocket.




Jordan Matthews can't catch anything. Lot of anger in this stadium right now. Murray hurdles Carr! Aikman says what I'm thinking: Why is the kicker on the sideline grabbing anyone? I thought that was going to go against Murray for throwing the ball at him but I'm glad they got it right. Bad throw by Bradford, who missed a wide open Agholor. At least they got a field goal out of it? Man, I don't know. What the hell, Bradford? Kelce's furious — did they get crossed up on the snap count? A few things are becoming apparent: Letting Evan Mathis walk was a mistake. (Herremans not so much.) They could have paid Maxwell 20 million less and found another corner with the rest of that money. Did... did that actually just happen? I mean, did that really just happen?





Apparently I also missed all six of the balls Jordan Matthews DID catch. Welp, looks like the NFC East sucks again this year.




The Eagles' leading rusher? Sam Bradford. I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP, PEOPLE. (Cowboys 20, Eagles 10)

And here's a hell of a thing: The guy the Jaguars kept when they traded Josh Scobee to the Steelers? He kicked the game winner. (Jaguars 23, Dolphins 20)

THE ULTIMATE GRUDGE MATCH. McCarthy's been there 10 years? Christ. I've lost all perception of time. Earl Thomas MAY have gotten away with one there. And of course McCarthy's going to punt on 4th and 1 with a top-five back. Wait, I take that back. Of course McCarthy's going to blow a challenge on how many players the Seahawks had on the field. Wait, the 12th guy was Avril, who was going off injured? That's SO PETTY.
Why is James Jones so hot right now? Rodgers zipped that past Sherman, I think. And look: They actually threw in his direction! Maybe they've learned something from last year.




And now the Packers call time out for no apparent reason.
Someone on the Packers blew a coverage. Hey, a Fred Jackson sighting. Are the Packers really out of time outs already? Of COURSE they are! Because MIKE McCARTHY!  Why is Rodgers in a position to have to stiff-arm people? Fumble! Another Packer down?
Lynch has struggled... well, not quite ad bad a Murray, but pretty bad. as the Seahawks' line isn't that good either. Jeez, the Packers are running out of dudes fast.




Did Cobb not get in? First off, Cary Williams held him, because he's Cary Williams. Then we need to see if he stepped out of bounds first. THEN we need to see if he got both feet down or not.




Wow, that's close. I think it's a touchdown. of course I also thought Cobb scored on the last play so what do I know? So no catch. But what about the hold, ref? And now an incompletion. Field goal! This first half wasn't Cowboys-Eagles bad but it's been pretty bad. Why does Luke Willson have more catches than Jimmy Graham? Touchdown... Fred Jackson? OK. Wilson just ran 20 yards without even breaking a sweat. Touchdown Baldwin. That was a laser. Starks just broke one with a nice slip to the right side. Michael Bennett's pretty great when he's not jumping offside. That was almost blocked. (Yes, I'm ignoring the fact that McCarthy kicked an 18-yard field goal. With no Lacy it's a little more justifiable A little.) Lynch fumbles! That's a lot of flags. Oh, the Packers were offside? OK then. And they have to burn a time out after the clock stopped? That's probably grounding but who knows what the hell the grounding rules are anymore. Oh, Ty Montgomery's in the NFL finally? Felt like he was at Stanford for seven years. At least Byron Maxwell doesn't do that, I guess? This is probably a touchdown, and Rodgers helped with that by just running around for five seconds.




Aaron could have run for that two-point conversion almost. Oh, dude caught that! Despite being interfered with. I'm pretty sure Russell Wilson's the Seahawks' leading rusher tonight. That's either a good play by the defensive lineman to intercept that or Wilson badly overthrew that screen. That's definitely a fumble. The Seahawks guy has the ball though? Oh well. NOW what? This game has been hard to watch. This hatred is real as hell. Wright got run? He got into a scrape earlier tonight, too. That's bad for the Seahawks.
The Packers are just killing time now. And there's Crosby to put them up 10.




PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. This was not a good day for aesthetics. But a little better for revenge. (Packers 27, Seahawks 17)

Friggin' bagpipes? What is this madness? Nice stop — 3-4 ends aren't easy to find. Remember when Frank Gore was an Eagle? That was a fun six hours. So. Many. Penalties. Todd Bowles likes to blitz. Luck had to throw in a hurry and Andre Johnson couldn't bring it in.




Vontae Davis is wondering what happened. You grabbed Brandon Marshall's foot, that's what happened. Did Folk change his number? Well, that's better. CLANG. Viniatieri MISSED? Not much going on here. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Fitzpatrick. There's really no difference here, people. The Colts' offense looks like the Eagles'.





Oh boy, Davis is out? The Colts literally have no cornerbacks left. Wow, even this game sucks. Fumble! Luck has to slide at some point during that run, right? Pylon Cam is about 8 years overdue. Good stand by the Colts' defense. Folk MISSED? Dear Lord. I thought Luck overthrew that one to Hilton and it landed in the end zone. Now what? Jesus. Gore juggled that three times before fumbling it. And it's a touchback to boot, so the Jets aren't even pinned at the 1 or anything like that. If the Jets had a quarterback they'd be up 28-0. This Colts offensive line graphic is hilarious and sad. And almost as if on cue, the Jets' pressure forces Luck into another mistake. HOT MIC.




Good catch and run by Hilton before he comes up limping. The Colts can't afford to lose anybody else. Touchdown! The Colts can still win this game if you can believe it. And here's where having no cornerbacks hurt the Colts. Marshall killed everyone left on that score. Like, physically.




(Jets 20, Colts 7)
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