Thursday, September 17, 2015

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 1: The Blood In Your Eye Test

Because when I think of "the best music for an NFL season kickoff concert in the nearest major city to the actual site of the Super  Bowl", I think Ellie Goulding as well. Good job, NFL. Of course, I can't be too hard on the 49er fans — that's the happiest those poor people will be all season. "All I Do Is Win?" Oh, GO TO HELL.




And what a song to waste on the least crunk fan base in all of sports. Don't believe me? The guy in the suit in this GIF is from New Hampshire. The woman's from Connecticut.


Man, those holes wouldn't be there if Vince Wilfork was still around. Um... what was that, exactly?






Meanwhile, the Patriots just wasted a perfectly acceptable Brady deep ball. Let's all keep going backwards! Wait, what? The Steelers were getting the Patriots' radio broadcast in their helmets? No shame. None whatsoever. That wouldn't even have been called a horse collar, Cris. Pretty boring game so far, actually. We're still talking about the radios? And we're just now getting to the Steelers' defense in the SECOND QUARTER? And just when it looked like Edelman was going to be the best player on the field tonight, Gronk shows up. This is the best work Luke McCown's ever done. And there's Bradley Fletcher getting torched. By DHB, no less.




This Josh Scobee performance so far is Suisham-esque. More Edelman. Hey, a Danny Amendola sighting! There have been a few too many Brady quarterback sneaks in this game for my taste. And Gronk wins a jump ball. The Steelers are getting clowned on the back end tonight.




Al just said it: They're putting together drives, but they're failing on 3rd and 4th downs. Which is why they're going for it here. Why didn't they call a time out? They're wasting time. How did DHB botch that? Did he go out of bounds and come back in? Why are they calling time out after an incompletion? Did Mike McCarthy take over? Hey, Scobee made one. He gets to stay for the second half.

Was this supercut really necessary? I don't even remember P!nk ever doing the NBC football theme. And why is Cowboys-Giants the Sunday night game? If I'm the Seahawks, I'm pissed.

The Steelers can't cover any Patriot of any height, it seems. Let's see how this drive fizzles out. Plot twist: IT DOESN'T. Going for two already? Scobee must already be toast. (And remember they moved the extra point back this year for no good reason.)




DeAngelo Williams has 100 yards already? Wilfork couldn't have prevented that. He's been good. Nice catch, Wheaton. That's.. pretty blatant pass interference by Chung. Wow, that's a costly false start. How is Gronk getting this open? This is unreal.




Terrible tackling on Dion Lewis. FUMBLE? TOUCHDOWN GRONK. JESUS H. CHRIST. The ball was RIGHT there! How did 29 for Pittsburgh not see it? Wait, he wasn't in? Oh. Well this may just be a matter of time. And there it is after three tries. Turn around, dude. Now it's raining. And now the announcers are talking about the deflated balls. And now Ben just threw a bad pick. This is dedication. I mean, the game's over but all of these people still have to go out and grind. And there's the backdoor push!




(Patriots 28, Steelers 21)

Signal Finder: MIA @ WAS, GB @ CHI, KC @ HOU (end), SEA @ STL (OT), BAL @ DEN








What was that about? (Repeat for the next three hours.) (Bills 27, Colts 14)

Inside draw on 3rd and 13? Good job, Jay Gruden. Cousins somehow managed to overthrow Desean by five yards after he got held. And now Desean's limping and he's not happy about it. And then they miss the field goal? Garcon just hip-tossed Grimes to the ground. Good call, ref. And Cousins got baited into that interception — he was already on the run and he rushed the throw. The Dolphins are going for it here? That wasn't even close. One thing about the Redskins so far: they're keeping the Dolphins' offense off the field. This is taking too long. The Dolphins' defender either fell down or was pushed on the Reed touchdown. Look at Griffin pretending to be happy there.




Oh, look, the guy who cheap shotted Foles last year just gave the Dolphins 15 more yards. Why won't the Dolphins try a run here? Are they out of time outs? Nice coverage. Jesus. Tannehill gets sacked, fumbles, and then two Dolphins fumble it back about 40 yards before the Redskins finally get it.




And nothing comes of it. WHY did Tannehill throw it into double coverage, and HOW did Culliver not intercept that? A hold on a sack? Wow, Dolphins. Wow. And the Redskins are still slogging down the field and chewing up clock.





Oh, so it's the special teams that are going to let the Redskins down today? OK. I mean, that was ridiculous. Right up the gut on a punt return? Watching it again, the kick was bad — the coverage never got down there. There's the Kirk Cousins we know and love. Although, that was a hell of a play to pick that off.




Now the Redskins have to go for it. What was that? And then the defense gives up a first down on 2nd and 16. Good job, guys. (Dolphins 17, Redskins 10)





Speaking of, what are these uniforms, Bears? I'm not sure if it's a psychological thing that Adam Gase is going for — Aikman said he said that the Bears' new pace would help Cutler take "more ownership" of what happens at the line. How is that still a problem? Strip sack? Maybe Cutler should have called the play faster. Oh, this is getting overturned. Never mind. James Jones back! That's good coverage, but a perfectly placed throw by Rodgers. Forte... probably should have been able to get his feet down there. And the Packers jump offside on the field goal? Wow. Forte's not having a good last few plays. Neither is Sam Shields on the other side. But the guy who held Clay Matthews was just trying to save Cutler's life, so that's understandable. And finally the Bears reach the end zone. Another nice catch by Jones for the Packers, but another bad penalty wipes it out. Now everybody's mad at this poor line judge. The Packers are killing themselves with penalties right now. This might be worth challenging, even though they'll probably lose. Jones is making it look easy. Clutch catch by Jeffrey to keep the drive going. Another field goal? I suppose. There's a gaping hole for Rodgers to run through to get a first down there. Whoa! McCarthy goes for it for once and GETS it. Maybe he's learned something. Another solid run by Rodgers. That's a fantastic throw by Rodgers on the Cobb touchdown and that's why he's Number One And The Best. Big-time conversion by Cutler and No. 10. Do you try Forte down here? Man, that's twice on this series that Cutler's almost been picked off. And the fourth-down throw was too high. That's a good stand by the Bears' defense after the Packers held on at the goal line. There have been some big third down conversions in this game — the Bears just got another one. I can't put all of that on Cutler, though — Matthews made a great break on the ball. Still, it keeps happening to him, and especially against that team.




I mean, that's kind of ridiculous. Garbage time touchdown? OK. (Packers 31, Bears 23)

We're seeing why Brian Hoyer is a career backup. Randy Bullock with that pinball field goal. This game wasn't that close, really. (Chiefs 27, Texans 20)

Wait, Cary Williams made a play? I'm stunned. Legitimately stunned. And you can't blame him for the Kendricks touchdown that tied the game, either: the guy who fell down was Chancellor's replacement. An onside kick to start overtime? Pretty ballsy, Seahawks. That was a mess all the way around, but at least they got it right eventually.




That's a good throw by Foles to Bailey. Man, Pete Carroll can't win. This time he gives the ball to Lynch and he gets stuffed. (Lynch also came to a dead stop before cutting back inside for some reason.)




Why an onside kick, though? Especially in a dome when you know the Rams' kicker can break 60?




Oh. (Rams 34, Seahawks 31, OT)

Also, a CBS doubleheader on Week 1. That's just WEIRD, yo. Nantz is already predicting a Steve Smith-Aqib Talib fight. And really, it's at least 40/60 that it happens, right? We got an official down? What happened here? 57 and 56 yard field goals already? Wow. And the Ravens have no answer for the Broncos' pass rushers right now. They flagged Dumervil for that? I was sure he was drawn off. Line judge broke his collar bone. Not good. Apparently, this is going to be the long field goal game of the year. Tucker just hit from 52. Not a lot going on here so far. I see Kyle Arrington's brought his special brand of suck to Baltimore. Sanders could have caught that. That... wasn't good, either.




That's two pick-sixes to bookend this quarter. I'm not sure what Flacco was going for there, but Talib sure was. The Ravens haven't done anything else since taking the lead. Oh man, this Nantz-Simms convo on skydiving, though. And I was WAITING for Nantz to drop "You got paid for that" after Simms said he got hit by Reggie White for a living. Welcome to the red zone, guys! Wow, that's a long time. 10:43? I know this drive has felt like it's gone on forever... and it turns out it actually has. And that'll force a field goal. Well, if anyone can do this, it's Flacco. The Broncos have some depth in that secondary — this Roby kid's played pretty well too. He jumped in front of Smith, who's only 5-8, 5-9. And the next one gets intercepted! That was doomed from the start. (Broncos 19, Ravens 13)




I mean, it's what the Lions do, you know? Thirty straight points, though! It's like the bad old days have returned. (Chargers 33, Lions 28)




As I said when it happened: One of these franchises has never developed a franchise quarterback. The other has a coach who doesn't have the best track record with quarterbacks and now has one who's style is the complete opposite of what he wants. And as I think that, Winston's first pass has been pick-sixed and Mariota's already thrown for two touchdowns. I didn't even realize the league put this matchup in week 1 until kickoff. Good job, league. Seriously. (Titans 42, Buccaneers 14)

No Cruz? What happened? The Giants have a starting linebacker wearing No. 47? That rabbit hole is DEEP. The Cowboys are still committed to running the ball, which is admirable, especially after that almost-fumble by Randle on the first set of downs. That's the most effort I've seen from DRC in about five years.




The Cowboys are pushing the Giants around right now with relative ease. Hey, they got a stop. I'm surprised they stopped running the ball down here, too. And then the Giants cough it up, but a penalty on gigantic free-agent bust Brandon Carr negates it. Oh, the runner was down. nNever mind the Carr thing, then — he only cost them more yards. That's incomplete — I'm not sure Beckham ever had control, much less was able to make a football move. Dude jumps offside and Eli thinks he has a free play and makes a God-awful throw into double coverage that Carr almost picks off. Oh boy, DRC's down? The Giants don't have anybody else back there as it is. Now Dez is walking off? That's even worse. I'm not sure if Romo missed that pass or if Terrance Williams did. Good job on that punt return, Giants. ELI RUN. The Cowboys are challenging this one, too? For what? That it was incomplete? They might win this one, actually, but this is a Marvin Lewis-esque use of challenges here.




I'm amazed this game is 3-3 with how bad these defenses have the potential to be. Nice drop, Dez. This game has been hard to watch. Wait, why did Beasley turn back up field? Was that a fumble? Holy Jebus, that's ridiculous. None of that should have happened. Touchdown Giants! WOW. And why is Romo running over there and not making an effort to tackle him? Then he throws another one to Witten, who lets it get TAKEN out of his hands. This is delicious. So, so delicious. I don't think Eli's past the line of scrimmage here but it looks close. Not that it matters; the Cowboys are out of challenges anyway. Did Beckham try to do it again? That was Preston Parker, who the Giants kept instead of James Jones. Did Joseph Randle just one-hand that pass? Oh, I'm not sure about that. Didn't look like DRC touched him at all. And of course it leads to a Cowboys touchdown. Collinsworth is right — Amukamara and DRC, surprisingly, have both played well tonight.





Wait, why is Shane Vereen a Giant? And why is Eli throwing blocks on a sweep on 3rd and 2? Lot of overthrows tonight.




Wow, Brandon Meriwether used his helmet on the BALL for once. That wouldn't have happened to Dez. Touchdown Giants! They said he didn't make the end zone? No, he didn't. Collinsworth: "Well, if there's ever anybody who's not going to assume that yard, it's Al Michaels and myself." No worries. Then the Cowboys come back and race down the field Chip  Kelly style. I guess Beckham didn't hear the whistle blow. The clock operator is strug-guh-LING.  Wait, what's this? Unsportsmanlike conduct on the Cowboys? Yeah, dude knocked the other guy's helmet off. Not smart. And then they jump offside on a 3rd down and Eli completed the pass anyway. We're probably done here. Wait, why are the Giants throwing the ball? And why are they kicking the field goal now? And where in the blue hell is Dez Bryant? These teams, man.




And in that 30 seconds the Cowboys gain 50 yards. Jesus H. Christ. Witten bounced off four guys.




The Giants aren't good enough to give away games like they just gave away this one. (Cowboys 27, Giants 26)

Someone tell the graphics guys that Kyle Shanahan's the OFFENSIVE coordinator. If that's not the worst hold ever, it's certainly the least effective. The Falcons are out-Eagles-ing the Eagles, if that's a word that makes sense. KIKO!! Welcome aboard, finally. He one-handed it! That's sick.




The Eagles' timing is off — Huff wasn't ready for that second pass, then Bradford just missed Miles Austin for a probable touchdown. Logan sliced through the Falcons' offensive line there. I'm surprised to see Carroll on Jones so often. Perhaps they should try something else, because Jones is cutting them up right now.




Huff's getting more run early than I expected. That's a bad drop by Mathews. Then Jordan Matthews gets held up and Chip might go for this. Ertz! Dome's not real loud tonight. That was weird — the camera on that punt was on the line of scrimmage like the Eagles were actually going to go for it there. That's a... questionable penalty. Kendricks damn near jumped offside. That last minute went about as badly as possible for the Eagles: An interception, followed by a fumble that got nullified by another questionable call, followed by a Jones touchdown, and they can't stop that guy. This first half doesn't want to end. This actually could — and probably should — have been a lot worse. That'll help, though. Good job, Walter Thurmond. Touchdown! Good blocking by Kelce and Johnson so Murray could score.




Both punters have been quite good tonight, for whatever that matters. That's the first time we've seen Riley Cooper since training camp. The Eagles are committing some costly penalties tonight. And there's another one. Good work by Ryan Mathews to convert that, and you could see on the replay the downfield options weren't open.




That Sproles sweep was a great play call with Peters having to come off the field. Huh, they ran left. Who says Murray can't make guys miss? That's how it's done. This Coleman kid is fast. The thing is, these penalties on both teams have almost all come at particularly bad times, wiping out important plays. We got jawjackers after a field goal? Really? Damn, Sproles just couldn't stay inbounds or he's still running. Good jump by Ertz to catch that. This might be worth a challenge. Or not, as Ryan Mathews gets some help to get into the end zone. 80 yards in 2:12. When this thing pops, it POPS. Of course... I mean, you knew the Falcons would have to try that at some point. And there's another key penalty at a key time. Chip probably should have called a time out there, regardless of what he was going to do. And what he was going to do almost doesn't matter — but he didn't give himself enough time to decide. That's a huge stop by Jenkins on 3rd down. All right. One shot to go. Oh, boy, Matthews has to catch that. This was basically last year's opener with the opposite result. (Falcons 26, Eagles 24)

At least Papelbon blew a save. AND THE NATIONALS STILL WON. The hell with all of this. (Nationals 8, Phillies 7, 11 innings)




I'm surprised the 49ers are running the ball with so much impunity early. FIELD GOAL BLOCK! Berman got caught mid-sentence and has no idea how to finish it. And he's not even my least favorite member of this broadcast team — I inexplicably hate Trent Dilfer. (My favorite person here tonight is Lindsay Czarniak.) And then the Vikings miss their field goal attempt. My God. Kaepernick's lucky he's not dead. Reggie Bush already limping off. Vikings moved first. OHHHHHH. Not in the neutral zone. Were the 49ers ever going to snap that ball in the first place?




What in God's name... are those dudes wearing top hats with VIKING HORNS ON THEM? The special teams have been hilarious tonight.




The Peterson catch-and-run when he dragged six 49ers like eight yards is the first good thing that's happened to either team. Mike Wallace with a drop? SHOCKING. Dilfer just said "Maybe we should call the game and not use names." And now we've got a punt return for a touchdown that Dilfer is sure is coming back. I mean, it is, but still. Let's see how the Niners screw this up. PLOT TWIST: THEY DON'T. Sick spin move by Carlos Hyde. How is this half not over yet? That Bridgewater Hail Mary was pathetic. Defensive holding? The field goal team is ON THE FIELD. Wait, now it's off. And they throw a 30-yard post that gets nothing. Dilfer's trying so hard to sell us on this disaster of a 49ers offseason. This game is unwatchable AND unlistenable. I will say this: At least now the 49ers get their plays off on time. Carlos Hyde's been the only good thing about this game. And finally Bridgewater's found something. That ended... predictably. The Vikings wide receivers really aren't good.




I'm stunned by how little Adrian Peterson it seems like there's been in this game, especially with how much the 49ers are riding Hyde. If Urban Meyer had done that three years ago, he'd have four national titles. Touchdown Hyde and this feels like it's over. Even the cheerleaders' uniforms are ugly. Bad throw by Bridgewater leads to an interception and NOW it's over.




Is the clock at zero? Someone please tell me the clock's at zero. Someone? Anyone? (49ers 20, Vikings 3)
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