Thursday, October 15, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Zeros and Ones

So Luck's out and Hasselbeck was throwing up after Sunday's game and was just in the hospital last night getting IVs? This'll be an exhibition of precision, I'm sure. This week we're starting with... dueling cellos? OK. Remember when Brian Cushing was the stud on this defense? Seems so long ago. Hey, Mallett's doing things. Oh, Foster's back? That's kind of a big deal. Interception! Hasselbeck didn't have to do much there, thankfully. They picked the flag up? What?

So Mike Carey got it wrong? Not surprising. Andre Johnson's victimizing his old friends. And then he scores a touchdown! "I know these lands well." A rollout on 4th and 1? How did that work?

Wait, Hoyer's in? Already? I mean, they should just run the ball all the time. Did Foster slip? Man, he JUST got back. And yet somehow Hopkins is having a decent season despite this horribleness at quarterback.

O'Brien needs to just pick a guy and suffer with him this year until he can either draft Goff or sign RGIII. That's a catch by Hopkins. Don't bother signaling for the flag, dude; it's inside two minutes and you'd lose the challenge anyway. HALFTIME HAIL MARY. And probably the easiest one ever. The Colts called time out before that, remember. Good job finding Strong's Hail Mary catch to beat USC last year. That's a big hit. Wow, that didn't take long at all. I don't think we're getting a repeat of last year, folks. How are you still not covering Hopkins if you're the Colts? He's the only reason the Texans are still in this game. Someone just got PLAYED. Strong was ridiculously open. Good interception in the end zone. Too bad it won't count because of defensive holding. And that's pass interference. Johnson with a sliding touchdown. Hoyer missed Hopkins deep, and he'd found a gap. Guess they're kicking a field goal here, too. Well, that was stupid. And O'Brien was RIGHT there! Big 3rd and 2 here. And Hoyer is rushed and throws up a punt. Like, that was some Vinny Testaverde shit.




Meanwhile, Hasselbeck hit Holton for a 43-yarder on 3rd and 6. He's better than Sam Bradford. The Colts have got this "winning division games" down, don't they? (Colts 27, Texans 20)

Signal Finder: NO @ PHI, CLE @ BAL (end), SEA @ CIN (OT), NE @ DAL

That injury to Jamaal Charles was... actually really hard to watch. A 66-yard field goal attempt? Really, Andy? You can't trust Alex Smith to get 10 more yards? Jesus. crosses off Chiefs (Bears 18, Chiefs 17)

Going for it on 4th and 7? That's new. Aaaaand that was doomed to failure. Too much Riley Cooper so far for my liking. It feels like the Eagles are spreading it around in the passing game more than they have. Even to the other team. What the hell, Bradford. That was almost as bad as the one against the Cowboys. This isn't a flag, is it? OK, good. The timing on that completion to Brooks was perfect. Brees reacted really quickly when the coverage on Watson disappeared. How are you gonna tackle somebody by their leg? I don't like that sweep for Murray. That's not how he runs. Hmmm. Breaux got Agholor in the back, it looks like. A pick? And then Matthews dropped it anyway. He's had a terrible time catching the ball this year. JESUS CHRIST BRADFORD.


And that's not interference because it was incidental contact. At least the defense is hanging on so far. Hey, a blown coverage! Oh, two Saints ran into each other. That's amusing.
Palestra B-roll? That NEVER happens. If Ertz doesn't catch that it's another interception. Wait, that was 4th and 9? Cooper's hurt. Agholor's limping, too?

See, that's pass interference. Bad no-call. Has there been a flag thrown on every single play on this drive? Fumble? Fumble. Fumble? I can't overturn that. But who knows. Get back on the sideline, coach! Awful tackling on that Matthews catch. What's taking so long? So many drops. "0 LONG." Hey, Sturgis made a kick! The onside kick also doesn't work. Did Colston hurt his hand?

See, Sproles is the perfect guy to run that sweep with. One thing I'm seeing is the Eagles fighting more for yards than I have so far this year. Of course, the Saints can't tackle, either. Do we know why Goose always posts up in the end zone? I mean, I like that he does it because it's different and gets you a different view, but it's just strange. I'm not sure Mathews got in, to be honest. Oh, OK. Fletcher Cox is monstrous. Why are you double-covering Cooper, Saints? That was too easy. Jeez, Sturgis. Colston is hurt. Look at his arm. I'm not sure how he can catch the ball. Wow, that's a bad punt. Look at Celek trying to jump. Hey, he made the field goal. Ryan Mathews is the Eagles' best running back. DeMarco Murray is their second-best pass-catching back. It's nuts how this has played out. Kevin Williams is a Saint now? Whoa high snap on the field goal. Drew Brees may not be great anymore, but he's still very good, as that throw to Snead showed. Another Saints turnover. Wow. I mean, you just shouldn't have to interfere with Riley Cooper.
That one wasn't as blatant but Browner gets no benefit of the doubt. A Marcus Smith sighting? Interception! That'll do it. Murray needed today. crosses off Saints (Saints 39, Eagles 17)



That's ridiculous. At least the Falcons scored anyway. Overtime? Nice job, Cousins. Oh God, if the Falcons had lost after that touchdown was overturned... (Falcons 25, Redskins 19, OT)


Yeah, that Barnidge catch was... crazy. What's happened to this Ravens defense that Josh McCown's lighting them up? Oh, Dumervil's out, too? OH. How'd the Ravens get to the Browns' 10 so quickly? I know there was a penalty, but is this just Full Browns again? And Tucker ties it with a field goal. McCown took too much time on that one — should have just dumped it out of bounds. Now they have to go to the end zone, basically. That's not the end zone. "This is the same coin we used at the beginning of this game." Does the Ravens' D even have a reputation to live off of at this point? When Josh McCown lights you up for 457, it's time to re-evaluate some things. (Browns 33, Ravens 30, OT)

Tyler Eifert just murked Cary Williams? YOU DON'T SAY.

Gio Bernard! Feels like he's been forgotten since Jeremy Hill's breakout. BINK. It's GOOD! That was a "prove it" game for the Bengals (especially after being down 17 late) and they may just have. (Bengals 27, Seahawks 24, OT)

Patriots-Cowboys? Yeah, whatever.



Oh, wait, Greg Hardy's back, too? Get him, Katie.





LeGarrette Blount's back? INTERESTING. The Patriots will give the Cowboys nothing at the line of scrimmage. They'll make Weeden beat them with his arm. Brady fumbles, it bounces forward, and the Patriots recover? Christ, they catch EVERY break. Yeah, the Cowboys' defense is still terrible. They should have had Lewis for a 3-yard loss and he damn near scores. Brady with the sneak. Weeden was lucky Chandler Jones didn't intercept that. Also, Chandler Jones was 15 yards deep in coverage. The Patriots can't handle the Cowboys' pass rush, either. Five sacks already? Of course, the Cowboys' back end can't hold up their end — Edelman escaped and made that play a good one. Gostkowski from 57? Wow. No doubt about that one.

Edelman just worked the entire Cowboys secondary. The. ENTIRE. SECONDARY. God, they're terrible. And McCourty forces the Cowboys into what will probably be the wrong decision. Man, that place is silent. This is not a great Patriots defense and Weeden hasn't been able to do anything. I know he has almost no weapons himself, but still. (Patriots 30, Cowboys 6)

The Lions are not reacting well in Monday night's aftermath. Wait, they're actually benching Stafford? That's... kind of amazing. Jim Caldwell doesn't bluff, folks.

This needs to be said again, also: As problematic as Suh and Fairley had become, this defense has suffered without them. (Cardinals 42, Lions 10)

The 49ers are starting off with screens for a reason. Beason's walking off already? The Giants can't afford to lose anybody else. This feels like a spot to maybe go for it against a defense that just isn't that good any more. The 49ers are taking absolutely no chances, which may be a smart meta move at this point.
Can't have 12 men on the field, Niners. Vereen! On top of everything else about the 49ers' last nine months, I'm still stunned Vic Fangio didn't get this job. (Of course, given what led to all of this upheaval, he may not have wanted it.)



Did Collinsworth just say the officials don't have many jobs in this league? Kaepernick was fortunate to recover that fumble, to say the least. Oh, here's the Giants' fullback who also plays defensive line for some reason. I don't like the running back lined up so deep here. Oh, Eli. You shouldn't have done that. Brock was on Beckham the whole way.



How does a fan even get onto a football field? Kaepernick seems to be getting a little of his mojo back, which was a much of a problem for him as anything else. And now Australian Brad Wing will be punting to Australian Jared Hayne.



Did Beckham just do a bad Victor Cruz salsa celebration impression? And how did he get open in the first place? Landon Collins and Brandon Meriwether in coverage in the middle of the field. I'm amazed anyone survived. And I disagree with Collinsworth — Collins wasn't trying to play the ball there. Garrett Celek! Little brother gets a touchdown too. Now Beckham's on the ground on the sideline surrounded by men in suits.



The Giants aren't missing him on this drive, though. Now they have a dilemma. What say you? Well, the Giants feel differently.



It's like the 49ers just remembered tonight that they signed Torrey Smith. That's four straight big plays by the 49ers. Was Hyde sandbagging? Good job, DRC. Collins may have deflected that one. Touchdown 49ers! Seriously, the idea that Blaine Gabbert is any kind of solution to any problem should make you want to hang on to Kaepernick like grim death.


 



Now Randle's out, too? The Giants are screwed. Eli's RUNNING? Oh God. Wait, why wouldn't Coughlin want a time out there? Oh, an interception? No, I think that hit the turf. This'll be overturned. The 49ers can't let Vereen run free like that. Dude held Beckham once and tried to do it again. WHAT. How did Donnell NOT drop that? God, that's crushing.

(Giants 30, 49ers 27)




Heath Miller just beat the Chargers for 26 yards. OK. Hey, it's Danny Woodhead. That blitz didn't work. That's 100 touchdowns for Gates. The Chargers won't make it easy for Vick tonight, as they shouldn't. Hey, he's still got some speed. Awful lot of holding by Verrett there that didn't get called. That one was clean, though.



Bell making moves. Uh-oh, Steelers field goal time. Brace yourself, kid. It's GOOD! Also of note about that Vick trade (don't know if Tirico mentioned this or not): the Chargers eventually drafted LaDanian Tomlinson at 5, then took Brees at the top of the second round. They're giving Bell the ball a LOT. I'm a bit surprised they're running so much inside 2 minutes. So that... didn't work. I think Allen has to just go down there once he's stopped, to save time. James Harrison was NOT fooled and the Chargers actually lost yards. Now they're screwed. Why do this? Just punt. Now the Steelers have a shot at a Hail Mary. Well that ended predictably.



That's a fumble and it's Steelers ball. This might be the break they needed. Oh, the female official's working the game and made that call. The Steelers won't throw the ball and the Chargers don't have time to. This may be the final score, guys. OR NOT. Gruden, the Steelers' corners are unheralded because they stink. Mike Mitchell has six interceptions already? Rivers is coming out firing again, completely undeterred. We're tied. Wow, 8 passing yards since the first quarter? The Steelers have slowed things down. And it hasn't worked. Good catch by Floyd and a good throw from Rivers. That, however, was a terrible throw. Gates! VICK! That was, what, 50 yards in the air?



I'd normally laugh at Gruden for suggesting that it's gutsy to kick a 54-yard field goal, but with how bad kicking's been this year, I'm not sure he's wrong.



It took the Steelers to turn Darius Heyward-Bey into a ! The Steelers are driving. Miller... did not make it. Flag? That may be more of a late hit but whatever. Now what? BELL! They have to review this. Oh, he JUST made it.



A great ending to a terrible game. (Steelers 24, Chargers 20)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Green Bay (5-0) — When off days don't matter
2. New England (4-0) — Five sacks, though?
3. Cincinnati (5-0) — Surprise!
4. Denver (5-0) — Gutty win over suddenly respectable Raiders

BOTTOM 4:
29. Jacksonville (1-4) — Just isn't clicking
30. Houston (1-4) — Should be ashamed of themselves
31. Miami (1-3) — New coach. New attitude, or same old problems?
32. Detroit (0-5) — I mean, now what?
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