Tuesday, December 11, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Breaking the Time Clock

Seriously. Don't even bother. There was a punt return for a touchdown and a kickoff return for a touchdown. And that's it. That was all that happened. Go watch the NBA doubleheader or something. (Bills 19, Dolphins 14)

Signal Finder: PHI @ WAS, NYJ @ STL (Really, Channel 3?), CLE @ DAL (end), IND @ NE


Barnwell, ever the diplomat, didn't say: "And also, your team stinks." Because he's said it before. Houston giving up that many yards and points to an offense that bad isn't what I'd call "sustainable". On the other hand, they're the first NFL team to score twice in overtime, so that's a fun thing they can use at the bar afterwards. (Texans 43, Jaguars 37, OT)

Aaaand the kid's off to a rollicking start. How do you get picked off by DeAngelo Hall in 2012? Hey, the Eagles' screen game is back! This drive's been going for a while and it doesn't seem to be accomplishing much. Well then. Two drives, two interceptions. If this game was in Philly they'd be chanting for Trent Edwards for the first time in Trent Edwards' career. The Redskins aren't doing much either and yet I don't like the Eagles' chances.


There seems to be something here with the short passes to McCoy. This drive stalling out is actually an improvement. It also ended in points, which is even better. That play action bomb blew up the Eagles' defense. I mean blew it up. As in a guy actually exploded. (The specific guy that exploded was the safety help that Asomugha was expecting that never materialized. Still, why is he running 10 yards parallel to the guy? Close  in already.) More end-of-the-first-half foolishness: The Redskins were lining up to go for it on 4th and short, got confused on the play call, the Eagles called time out, the Redskins punted into the end zone, then the Eagles ran the ball instead of taking a knee and fumbled, giving the Redskins three more points (and they kept a time out in their pocket). This is why both of these teams stink.



OK, Murphy's Law has officially set in for the Eagles' secondary. That was a stupid throw by Griffin and it went for a touchdown. Now what is this? 4th and 1 from the Eagles' 18 and the Redskins are going for it? Why you gotta be like that, Shanahan? You think you're losing this game? Please. Seriously, we can't find a guy off the street better than Kurt Coleman? Okay, unless something actually hilarious happens, I'm checking out. Why is Shanahan being such a dick? That's the pettiest challenge ever. Oh no. Why was McCoy still in the game to begin with? Ridiculous.



(Redskins 31, Eagles 6)

Matt Ryan is something like 30-4 at home when he starts for the Falcons. He threw five interceptions. The visiting team benched its quarterback after one quarter with a 13-point lead. The game was tied at halftime. The visiting team's vaunted defense allowed a team that has botched three notable late-game short-yardage situations in the last two years to score a 1-yard touchdown to win the game. The Arizona Cardinals are BACK, ladies and gentlemen! (Falcons 23, Cardinals 19)

You may want to sit down for this one. I just saw Mark Sanchez complete a touchdown pass. I know, I KNOW. I can barely believe it myself. And it came two plays after a turnover and one play after Dan Fouts was lamenting that teams don't go for big plays right after forcing a turnover any more. This game isn't much better, to be honest. I mean, the Jets are actually pulling away here — they haven't scored this many points since the opener. Why are the Rams going for two here? There's no difference between being down 13 and being down 12. Harmless idiocy there. Wow, this game sucked, too. (Jets 27, Rams 13)

And I'm sure that this game, despite the score, hasn't been any better. I mean, think about it: The Cowboys suck for letting the Browns build a 13-point lead, and the Browns suck for giving it up.


Terrible play call, terrible throw. There'll be a new coach in Cleveland next year, too. So what do you think the Cowboys did here? If you said, "Run into the line three times, gain two yards, punt to midfield and allow a 25-yard return", give yourself a gold star. Bonus points if you also predicted a penalty on said punt return that wasn't an illegal block in the back. That... might not be a horse collar. That's NOT a horse collar. He got the guy's hair. But still. TOUCHDOWN CLEVELAND. Please let this hold up; it would be the funniest result in years. Now the Cowboys are driving again with plenty of help from the Browns. Sheldon Brown was mugging Harris down there. This game should end in a tie but the Browns could easily blow it. Romo almost fumbled that one. Kick is good. This is the worst tied game ever.



The following is hilarious: Romo" "53's the MIKE." 53 (Craig Robertson): sacks Romo That's a good punt return. Is this even reviewable? Ed Hochuli just looked at that play before telling us it wasn't reviewable. Dierdorf: "You were under the hood, Ed." I thought Austin dropped this one. Obviously not. And the Browns choke it away.


(Cowboys 23, Browns 20, OT)

Now to actual football played by competent professionals. And as I say that Gostkowski pulls a Mason Crosby.


Nice runback by Edelman and poor tackling by the Colts. What the... and there's a bad throw by Luck and great runback by Talib.


The Patriots' superiority is just taking over now. That was too easy for Dennard. And there's another return for a touchdown. The Colts' tackling looks like... well, like most NFL teams' tackling, to be completely honest. Well, that's that. Also I had no idea Edelman looks like Zack Ryder when he was one of the Major Brothers. (Patriots 59, Colts 24)

Somehow they look worse at night. And the flesh-colored pants... oh my. Did they wear those the first time, too? Good thing they weren't televising the games back then. Who approved this? Both then and now. Who thought this was a good idea?



Oooh, taking a shot right out of the gate. That's not Steeler football. And neither is that. Heck, that isn't anything that should be allowed. I mean, Byron Leftwich runs like a long-lost Manning brother and he was making Ravens players miss.


I'm MIKE WALL- oops. Oh, look. The ball found Ed Reed again. It really is unbelievable how that always happens. Good job by the Steelers to only give up a field goal — that could and should have been worse. I think Leftwich's windup is powered by a hand crank. Wow. Jacoby Jones again. I'm pretty sure he just punched his Pro Bowl ticket with that one. Welcome to the dead end of Heinz Field, Justin Tucker. The Steelers haven't thrown many deep balls since the first play of the game. Strange. There's a bad throw by Leftwich that rightfully gets picked off. Now this has settled down into a typical Ravens-Steelers game, with the traded field goals in the third quarter being a prime example. Oh, Tomlin. If you get this wrong you probably lose. But I think it's a first down. By a NOSE it is. Aaaaand then Ngata kills Leftwich, so that ended up not making much difference.



I mean, it's getting ridiculous and clearly taking a toll on the man. Neither team has played particularly well tonight — the Steelers needed a bigger lift from the rest of their guys than they got, and the Ravens have been scuffling on offense all game long (it took Rice until the fourth quarter to outrush Leftwich.) Offsides? By two guys? That's stupid and near-fatal — they hit the 2-minute warning, so the Steelers will lose 40 seconds even if they get the stop. Why is Flacco dropping back? Who called a pass there? And why is Baltimore calling time out? Flacco taking the sack was the smartest thing anyone on the field has done in the last three minutes of real time. The Steelers are playing this like the Colts did at the end of the first half. Pick it up! A low snap? Well, that'll do it. (Ravens 13, Steelers 10)

This isn't the first time the Bears and 49ers have played on ESPN with both of their backup quarterbacks starting. I'm a bit surprised the 49ers are coming out throwing but Kaepernick is slinging that ball out there. Uh-oh. This is getting ugly fast. The Bears can't block well enough to give Campbell a chance to come back, or at least they haven't so far. But the bigger shock to me is how easily Kaepernick is making this look — this is one of the league's best defenses and he's slicing it to ribbons. Also, Aldon Smith is making a seven-course meal out of J'Marcus Webb, who really needs some help over there and he's not getting it. It's reminding me of that Eagles-Giants Sunday night game a few years back where rookie Winston Justice was pressed into service at left tackle and got destroyed all night.



Now Campbell's getting beat up like Leftwich was last night. Kaepernick still can't be stopped, by the way. That safety was hilarious. (49ers 32, Bears 7)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Houston (9-1) — Those impromptu track meets can be killer
2. Atlanta (9-1) — Not exactly a command performance
3. San Francisco (7-2-1) — Quarterback controversy looming?
4. New England (7-3) — Well look who just popped up

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (3-7) — Too much upheaval at once leads to disaster
30. Cleveland (2-8) — Gave that one away
31. Jacksonville (1-9) — Might as well start taking chances
32. Kansas City (1-9) — Baby's back to crawling
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Thursday, November 29, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Motions to Stop



Yeah, somehow I don't think this is the beginning of the next great quarterback rivalry. Call it a hunch. (Colts 27, Jaguars 10)

Signal Finder: NYG @ CIN, ATL @ NO (end), OAK @ BAL, BUF @ NE (end), DAL @ PHI, STL @ SF (end)

It's weird to think that the Giants have never won here considering how bad the Bengals have historically been. I'm pretty sure Corey Webster's salad days are over. Pacman Jones is still alive? Well, the Giants just found out he is. It's already 14-0. That was... odd. Did the Giants play that to get first and goal at the 2? Just a weird decision there to get one yard that doesn't matter in this context. I didn't realize the Bengals were carrying so many Rutgers guys. I mention this because Mohamed Sanu just made another big catch this year when they went for it on 4th and 2, and Brian Leonard's still kicking around as their fullback type. And here come the Giant turnovers. This offense has looked like crap for most of the day, and their defense hasn't been able to hold anything in these short-field situations. Time to cut to another game. Looks like A.J. Green was right.



(Bengals 31, Giants 13)

Oooh, another last stand for the Saints is going well. Until that bomb to Julio Jones, that is. I think I would have run those three goal-line plays in a different order if I was coaching the Falcons. Apparently Ivory's been getting the run for the Saints this week. (Is Thomas hurt, too? I know Sproles is out.) You'd think the Falcons would know how to cover a supremely athletic tight end. That's a game changer because now the Saints are almost guaranteed at least three points, meaning the Falcons will need a touchdown. And there it is. Falcons are driving and I think they thought that was a touchdown where the Saints thought it was a fumble. They're both wrong. More goal-line adventures! They wouldn't be in this situation if they'd gotten it right the last time. I hate the straight pass play on 2nd down here. — either run a play fake or just run it. Try running to the outside,  maybe. Nice play by Greer to knock the pass down because White was going to catch it, and it's another short-yardage failure for the Falcons.



Oh, there's Thomas. That was a bit risky. You kind of figured it would end like this, right? (Saints 31, Falcons 27)

If the Bills had a quarterback, they would have won this game. Or, at least, it wouldn't have ended the way it did. (Patriots 37, Bills 31)




Oh, look. A needless Cowboys penalty prolongs a drive that was stalled. That's never happened before. I... I don't believe what I just saw. The Eagles scored a first-quarter touchdown. From inside the red zone, no less! (Cooper's catch was pretty nice, too.) Someone has stolen Felix Jones' jersey because he is running wild out there. The fullback getting loose a few times is only making things worse and the Eagles are tackling like they did in New Orleans. That was way too easy. Now Romo's overthrowing his guys. You know who's good (or at least playing well now that he's been called upon) is Bruce Carter. Aw, Vick. McCoy may have scored if you could have gotten the ball to him. Wait, what's going on? Remember last week when I said it was remarkable how nothing has happened to Vick despite the beating he's been taking every week? Yeah, scratch that.





And there's the first solid shot Foles takes behind this Superfund site of an offensive line. Note that Jason Avant (who just went down himself) was the emergency quarterback because Trent Edwards is inactive for some reason. And I don't know who's next in line. Jackson, maybe? We also need to discuss the last two minutes of the half, where... questionable... clock management by both teams led to there being three possessions and the Cowboys calling two time outs to get the ball back, then taking a knee. OK, maybe we don't need to talk about that.



Wow, Maclin was so wide open he caught that like he was fielding a punt. Romo just ran away from about four Eagles to keep that play alive. Touchdown. Or is it? Big play either way because if it's not a score, Bryant was interfered with so  the ball will be at the 1. I actually think it's a catch — I think his arm's underneath it. Why is this taking so long? Put it on the board. I think I'm the only person who thought he held on to that ball, and it'd be in my best interest if he hadn't.




I do agree with my doppelganger that the catch rules have become far too complicated. Morris Claiborne keeps hitting his own self-destruct button. His number of penalties in this game is higher than his Wonderlic score. And the punt return team just bailed him out. It's like a bolt of lightning just hit this place. A pick-six? Really? REALLY? That one's partly on DeSean as well — throw was behind him but he had his hands on it and should have caught it. Also, King Dunlap — who is playing the role of Morris Claiborne for the Eagles today — could have stopped the runback but just... stopped.



This thing has just about blown up. Three touchdowns in two and a half minutes? Good luck coming back from that. Who misses extra points anymore? Well that's just insult to insult right there. This depressed me. (Cowboys 38, Eagles 23)






(Seahawks 28, Jets 7)


What sorcery is this? Harbaugh uses both of his overtime time outs on the first possession, then Akers misses from 41? Now the Rams are going to try one from 53. DELAY OF GAME?!?! How does that even happen? Now it's a 58-yard attempt... and he misses it! And there's so little time left they may not have a chance to get the ball back. Well, unless they force a three-and-out. Now what do you do if you're the 49ers? I think you have to punt here, pin the Rams in their own end and make them earn it. Why aren't the Rams throwing deep? That holding penalty on Willis just cost the 49ers a chance to win this game... and Aldon Smith sacking Bradford just sealed a tie. Unbelievable.



Donovan McNabb: "Man, feels good finally getting off that hook. Danny, we need to talk." (Rams 24, 49ers 24, OT)

Whoa, that's some serious rain. A fumble already? Oh, this'll be overturned. Oh, there's another one. And this one will probably stand. I don't really get why both teams have come out throwing in these conditions but what can you do. That's a good stop by the Bears defense to not allow a touchdown after that. This is why Devin Hester doesn't get much run in the passing game any more. Another Bears turnover? Did these teams go Freaky Friday on us? Remember too that this turf is among the NFL's worst on a good day, but unless Jennings' man slipped and fell there, the turf didn't cause that interception. Seriously, PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. And STOP THROWING IT. That was, what, three turnovers in the space of 12 plays or so? checks Four in 13. I'm frightened by how close my guess was. And Schaub throws another one! This is madness. A 51-yarder in this slop? Well, I guess if anyone can make it, Gould can. Now it's turned into a punting contest. The Texans seem to have settled down first and decided to stick to the run game. Oh. OUCH. And Cutler did not come out of that on the good end. Also, guess what happened two plays later. I was legitimately stunned when Jason Campbell signed with the Bears on the first day of free agency — by my count, there are at least six AFC teams he could start for right now (including, frankly, his former one.) Nice deep ball to Marshall from Campbell after a bunch of short throws. Shame they couldn't capitalize. Wait, Gould missed? That doesn't happen. These defenses are not messing around. Graham barely got that one over the crossbar. I feel like the conditions left both of these teams running at about 70 percent. (Texans 13, Bears 6)

This is the same rain that was in Chicago last night, for those wonder- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP THE PRESSES:



The Steelers are making this look like a trap game — Jamaal Charles is running right through them. A draw play on 1st and a week? Serves them right. Are the Steelers aware there's a game tonight? File "Missing easy field goals" under "things the Chiefs can't afford to do at this point" because the Steelers could arrive at any time and administer the beatdown we all know is coming. I'M MIKE WALLACE. He's had an up-and-down year but the "ups" have been plays like that. We're tied. And there goes another quarterback. Succop misses another one? This is getting into game-changer territory. Well, the Steelers certainly don't need to see Leftwich getting up slowly after taking a hit. The Chiefs have had too much national exposure this season and all of their games have been awful. Like here: They get what looks like a fumble return for a touchdown, it gets reviewed and overturned, then they get hit with a 15-yard penalty for excessive celebration of something that never actually happened. Then they get a stop on 4th and 1 at midfield and can't do anything with it. Suisham shows 'em how it's done. And now we're back in the morass. There's been one first down in eight minutes of game time.



The Steelers decided there that they don't think Cassel can drive the Chiefs into field goal range, and they're probably right.



Or not, as Cassel hitting on 4th and 15 and Succop making the game-tying field goal has given us the very real possibility of a second tie in two days. Or... not, as Cassel throws an interception on the second play. LOL at the Steelers not even running a play before kicking the field goal. It's almost as  if Tomlin was thinking, "These are the greatest fans in the world, and they've suffered enough."







This should never have happened. (Steelers 16, Chiefs 13, OT)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Houston (8-1) — Pass "top team on road" test
2. Atlanta (8-1) — Nothing lasts forever
3. San Francisco (6-2-1) — That's a division and conference tie on top of it, which could be big in the end
4. Chicago (7-2) — At least they have a backup QB with a pulse this time around

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (3-6) — Not even Denzel could save this flight
30. Cleveland (2-7) — Could probably use a coach
31. Jacksonville (1-8) — Good thing nobody saw this
32. Kansas City (1-8) — Had a lead. Baby steps
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Thursday, November 15, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Bad Days

Will the Chiefs take a lead? Will there be a Ricky Stanzi sighting tonight? Will Norv Turner get fired if the Chargers somehow lose this game after getting beaten by the Browns four days ago? Will the Chiefs even give themselves a chance to keep this competitive? (Answer: Apparently not.) KC Joyner: "The only way two teams from the AFC West make the playoffs is if the NFL employs the NHL playoff rules this year. Which could be OK since the NHL won't be needing them any time soon." FISTICUFFS! YOU HEARD?! Man, the Chiefs can't even win an on-field donnybrook. Meanwhile, Rivers has yet to throw an incompletion. Three minutes later he's not only thrown and incompletion, but also a terrible interception. Then Weddle muffs the punt but the Chiefs miss a gimme field goal.


Hey, they're using Jamaal Charles! Well, that predictably fizzled out.


And there's not much on that clock, either. (Chargers 31, Chiefs 13)

Signal Finder: DEN @ CIN, CAR @ WAS, MIA @ IND (end), PIT @ NYG

I am interested to see long-term if Griffin is measured against Newton as much as he will be against Luck. Whoa, what are the Redskins wearing? Those are like some retro space-age threads. I dig 'em. Wow, I know neither of these teams are very good, but they're similar in a lot of ways and I expected this game to be closer than it is because of that. Geez, Fox, this was the best game you could bring displaced viewers to? checks scoreboard Oh, I guess it was. My apologies.


We've just had three penalties in a row with two and a half minutes left in a game that's probably over. Two of them on third down, even. Apparently no one wants to leave the red zone at this point. That's two Redskins touchdowns wiped out by penalties. Not a lot of "darting" space there, Moose. What was that pass? (Panthers 21, Redskins 13)

That was a bad halftime frame for Mike Nugent - missing a field goal to end the first and getting his kickoff taken back to the house to start the second. Brandon Stokley's still alive? (I asked this question two years ago, one year after this happened.) Also, who had Eric Decker vs. Terence Newman (!!!) as the day's best one-on-one matchup? Newman stopped the Broncos cold in the end zone after Peyton had sliced and diced his way down the field, then he was there on a severe underthrow of Decker on the next drive. Then Decker got him back by getting an interference call on the last touchdown. Good stuff there. (Broncos 31, Bengals 23)

The Steelers literally just got here. (You know the story by now how Sandy's aftermath completely screwed their travel plans.) Wow, Steelers fans are everywhere. That punt was better than Eli's first pass. For whatever reason the Steelers have decided to become a running team again even though they've gone through five running backs this season. It's working so far today, though... set up that touchdown nicely. That pass interference call is dicey. So was the personal foul on Clark for the hit on Cruz in the end zone, but that's the thing about having a reputation.



I don't think the ball broke the plane before Brown's knee hit on this touchdown either. No, it didn't... and they're not overturning it? I don't like that at all. Let's see how the Steelers respond. Wait, what? Oh, that'll get overturned for sure... Ben's arm is clearly coming forward. Really? REALLY? Look. Those of you who've been reading me for any length of time know I'm not That Guy. But these officials just gave the Giants 14 points.




Steelers fans will be bitching about this for weeks and justified as it may be, I don't want to deal with it. And I didn't even mention the clip during the return that also should have wiped out the touchdown. There's another drop by Wallace, by the way. Tynes missing that field goal before the half amuses me. Someone needs to point out that Eli hasn't looked right for at least three games now. Also it's now November and the Coughlin-era Giants have been notoriously bad in November. All these penalties against the Steelers are helping their cause, though. You don't run Isaac Redman outside. Bang! I'M MIKE WALLACE. Good punt return there... are the Giants going to blow this like they almost did last week? Oh my.



I mean, if you're gonna run a fake there, fine (but really, on 4th and 1? Just line up and run the ball. The Giants haven't stopped it yet), but don't run that fake. And of course, the Giants can't capitalize. Man, they look bad going both ways here. The Steelers just pounded it in again - they've completely worn out the Giants, who I don't think are coming back this time. And that's it. Steelers win and tell the refs to suck it in the process. You know what I like about this? Both teams got what they deserved. (Steelers 24, Giants 20)



This thing erupted in the second half.  It was pretty ridiculous. Almost as much as Carson's interception that sealed it. (Buccaneers 42, Raiders 32)



I didn't even know they made dresses that short that flared out at the bottom like that. I mean, I shouldn't have known that, but it just looks a little strange.This is the first time I've actually seen the new opening and I'm nonplussed otherwise. Also, the theme song is still terrible. Already the Cowboys leave points on the field in the red zone - Romo probably could have scored there had he run the ball himself. Of course, Dez Bryant wasn't on the field and they didn't throw to Witten, choosing a 5-5 rookie to target instead. Let the soft fluttering sound of flags waving in the climate-controlled breeze begin. Matt Bryant missed? Really? And Ogletree catches another bomb - he's good for one every six weeks, it seems - but the Cowboys have to kick another field goal, which isn't going to help them win this game. As a penalty takes a Romo interception off the board, it's worth noting that the Falcons are paying more attention to Witten than the Cowboys are. Is it just me, or does the Cowboys' running game go missing for about a month every year? This game is tied and boring at halftime. I expected... more. I'm pretty sure Michael Turner isn't "The Burner" any more. Another miss by the Falcons? What's going on down there? It's taken two and a half quarters for the running backs to break through, and there's Turner with a big one. Touchdown! I didn't think we'd see one of those tonight. The Falcons are owning the middle of the Cowboys' defense. Where was this all game? Ogletree again? Really? Now the Falcons are just chewing up clock. Yep, Orlando Scandrick is still terrible. That's three third downs the Falcons have converted on this drive.




The Cowboys' last three plays were hilarious. (Falcons 19, Cowboys 13)

Somebody's getting crossed off tonight. Let's find out who, shall we? And already the gates have swung open in front of Vick. The Saints' defense is absolutely terrible and they're getting pressure on every play. Well that was a long way to go for nothing. Mark Ingram's been a disappointment so far, so if the trend holds, he'll be a Dolphin in 2015. That field goal attempt was comical. The ball that went off Celek's fingers and got returned for a touchdown was also comical for a lot of the same reasons.



Now Herremans is down?! You have got to be kidding me. Is there a voodoo doll out there somewhere?



What's amazing about this is that the Eagles have run the ball down the Saints' throats so far (poor tackling has helped) and have nothing to show for it but a field goal because they haven't run the ball when it matters most. Also, how did this defense get so bad? Nnamdi's having his worst year ever, Trent Cole hasn't done anything... I can go on but I won't because I'll be sick. Fatigue's probably part of it because, again, Vick's getting crushed every week. Apropos of nothing, Marcus Vick doesn't know how things work:



And now the Eagles have lost the ability to tackle. It's not even halftime and they look absolutely defeated.



Even after the Jackson bomb I have no optimism.  The Saints fumbled the kickoff? And this is why I have no optimism. RUN THE FREAKING BALL. Jimmy Graham just walked past somebody into the end zone and that's probably all she wrote. Wait, what? Riley Cooper just collapsed in exhaustion. Oh, that's a forward pass. It was worth a shot. And it worked! Except, well, you know.



All right, let's do it. crosses off Eagles This is the best possible advertisement for Vick's flak jacket. He's been getting physically crushed all year and hasn't missed any time yet. Although he probably wishes he had. (Saints 28, Eagles 13)

 RANKINGS
TOP 4
1. Atlanta (8-0): Dirty Birds come with bulldozers
2. Houston (7-1): Sort of back on schedule
3. San Francisco (6-2): Stretch run time
4. Chicago (7-1): That was terrifying to watch

BOTTOM 4
29. Tennessee (3-6): Time to go back to Locker
30. Jacksonville (1-7): Gabbert was OK for once
31. Cleveland (2-7): Missed opportunities
32. Kansas City (1-7): How did these guys pull a Monday night game? Seriously


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Thursday, November 8, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Down And Around

Who does Doug Martin think he is? Adrian Peterson? (Buccaneers 36, Vikings 17)

Signal Finder: ATL @ PHI, NYG @ DAL, OAK @ KC


This will be the ultimate test. The Eagles in the Reid era have always won this game no matter how good the team has actually been. Wow. That was surgery assisted by an unwilling patient. Let's see how the Eagles respond. Three and out! AWESOME. It's bad enough that the Falcons are doing everything right, but the Eagles are giving them more help than they need with penalties, especially on third downs. That they've had the ball for all of 35 seconds hasn't helped, either. Shouldn't those turbines be spinning? It's pretty windy out there. Now the Eagles are starting to click. They needed that touchdown badly. What they didn't need to follow up with was Julio Jones running right past Asomghua. But then, he runs right past most people. Seriously, he cut inside and just took off. How do you slow those two down? Bump-and-run? I'm not sure.


These fans are not happy. Well, what there are of them. That said, credit to the Falcons: You can't play football better than they have in the first half. They're playing like they're trying to get out of town. I can't think of a single Eagles defensive player who's had a good game so far. This is the final play in Saints-Buccaneers last week. He's out of bounds. OMG A SACK! And it took Cedric Thornton to get it? Shameful. Lynch just made a good point: They should probably go for it regardless — they haven't stopped the Falcons yet. They're punting? Bad move. And there's the "Fire Andy!" chant. And even that's kind of halfhearted, partially because this stadium is half-full.


Ladies and gentlemen, stop the presses: The Falcons are going to punt. Hey, the Eagles have the ball at midfield. Or, rather, had. Blocked punt? No wonder the Falcons only did it once. Also, that's the first good thing Casey Matthews has done in two years. Well, that'll be that. In retrospect, that opening drive may as well have been a death march. The game after the bye week was like a lighthouse in the midst of the darkest, roughest seas, and now that that's gone out... (Falcons 30, Eagles 17)
(Patriots 45, Rams 7)

Well, the Jets are certainly seizing the wide-open slogfest that is the AFC East.



(Dolphins 30, Jets 9)

Well, that lasted, what, 25 minutes of real time? Brady Quinn wasn't the answer but we knew that and it's not because of this. That note Adam Schefter had about how long it had been since the Chiefs won a game with a quarterback they'd drafted is staggering, and next year probably isn't the year to fix that. (Raiders 26, Chiefs 16)

What's sad about this is that at this point, the rest of the division would be better served by the Cowboys winning even though all of the evidence says they have no shot. Also, why were there exactly two late games this week? Quirk of the schedule? Anyway, on to the action, and the Giants seem to be choosing the "bleed them out slowly" method, while the Cowboys seem to be choosing the "let's hand the game to them before halftime and get the humiliation over with" method. It's kind of ridiculous and hilarious at the same time. So... yeah. The Giants sniffed that screen out and Pierre-Paul made Romo throw it right to him. The rout could be on here. 



The Cowboys' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. Oh, there you go. They needed that badly. That and the interception have somehow turned this into a game. Now Romo's lighting up the Giants' secondary when it's not lighting itself up, though the complete absence of even the thought of a run game concerns me. Am I seeing this? Did the Cowboys just take the lead?






The Giants look completely discombobulated. That's... they're calling it an interception? Did it hit the ground?




And now it's down to between the guy you want the most in the fourth quarter and the guy you want the least. That penalty won't help. Field goal gives the Giants the lead back but they could have had more. Fumble!



The Giants did well to get points there. I have to say the Cowboys' defense has played pretty well for having a 29 on the scoreboard for the opposing team. More in the moment, I have to say the Cowboys' offense is running out of time here. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. The Giants' secondary strikes again — as bad a game as Dez has had, you still can't leave him that open. Wait... did he come down inbounds? I'm not sure he did. Oh, boy. You can see in high-definition that his fingers are on the end line. I'm not sure he had to brace himself the way he did... he probably could have just fallen straight down and he might have stayed in.




Why isn't he on the field? It's second down, you've gotta do the same thing again; wouldn't you want him out there? Oh, they're treating him. Did he hurt his hand? Wow, Romo, that throw wasn't even close.



Well, this division race is over.



Also, #OccupyJerryWorld.



Also also, it was a good day to be a Giant.



(Giants 29, Cowboys 24; Giants 4, Tigers 3; TAFKA The Giant 2, Sheamus 0)

Peyton Manning, ladies and gentlemen. (Broncos 34, Saints 14)

I'm pretty sure ESPN is the only channel not showing Sandy updates. Though Cardinals fans are probably wishing they were. The 49ers' receivers are running through and away from people. Same old story again. Or still. Patrick Peterson is getting used and abused. Been a few years since we've seen that Randy Moss.
Smith's only incompletion was Walker's drop? Jebus. Well, the Cardinals stink again. Order has been restored. (49ers 24, Cardinals 3)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Atlanta (7-0): Seriously, people. Best team in the league
2. Houston (6-1): To the recharging stations
3. San Francisco (6-2): Got back to basics
4. Chicago (6-1): Something about gift horses and mouths

BOTTOM 4:
29. Carolina (1-6): Gave that one away
30. Jacksonville (1-6): Does anyone care?
31. Cleveland (2-6): Though their win probably says more about the Chargers
32. Kansas City (1-6): What's happened to home field advantage?

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Saturday, October 27, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Dropping The Bar

This has the makings of a low-scoring affair. Like, one team may not crack double digits. I don't know why the 49ers are doing the same things that didn't help them against the Giants on Sunday against a better defense. Seriously, they got to the NFC title game last year by not relying on Alex Smith. Why change that? Meanwhile, the Seahawks keep literally letting opportunities slip through their fingers, which isn't smart considering you only get so many of those. Hey, a pass! Hey, a touchdown! Not sure I was expecting that after this game turned into a boxing match in the second half. That might do it, actually. Bad throw, rook. GORE! GORE! GORE! Bad throw, Alex. More Gore, of course. A quarterback draw? The 49ers must not think the Seahawks can get seven points, and frankly, they're probably right. That was a weird sequence with the challenge and then the Seahawks calling time for no apparent reason. The league's best punting is in the Bay Area. Wait, what, A flag? Chop block in the end zone for a safety?! Okay, what's going on? They're... measuring downfield? Harbaugh just took two points off the board and the line was 7.5!!!


Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Harbaugh just trolled Las Vegas. (49ers 13, Seahawks 6)

Signal Finder: WAS @ NYG, BAL @ HOU, TEN @ BUF (end), DAL @ CAR (end), NO @ TB (end), NYJ @ NE

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Every time I see Justin Tuck's facemask, I feel like I've never seen it before. It's uncanny how Shanahan finds these guys to just run for 100 yards whenever they feel like it. These defenses have not played well. 26 passes to five runs? Is Reid calling the Giants' plays? And now we're seeing some stupidity by both quarterbacks.


I know the Redskins have given the Giants problems recently, but how is this a game? Either JPP or the Gangnam Style dance just jumped the shark; I'm not sure which yet. The Redskins are now in the situation the Eagles put themselves in against the Steelers: you went for it back there, you might as well do it again. Man, Webster's been getting picked on even when they don't actually throw the ball. Wait, what? His knee may have been down. Oh, never mind. Seriously, Eli? That was terrible. And what's with the pitch to the tight end on third down, then kicking a field goal here? This division sucks. And now the Giants throw on first down with 5 minutes left? What is going ON up there?



Griffin just ran around for about two hours back there before that fourth down conversion. The pass was the easiest part. Are you kidding me? There's that Giants defense for you. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There's that Redskins defense for you. I've grown to hate the salsa shimmy. It just looks stupid. Aaaand that'll be that. Those last two minutes were something. The six minutes before that were the complete opposite of that something. (Giants 27, Redskins 23)

The Ravens without their leader, the Texans coming off a nationally televised ass kicking... this may have been expected, but not to this extent. Joe Flacco played football like Joe Shlabotnik played football. The AFC is terrible so far. (Texans 43, Ravens 13)

Hasselbeck's TD pass to Washington happened at the same time as RG3's go-ahead pass, by the way. Also, Chris Johnson rose from the dead. (Titans 35, Bills 34)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II:


Maybe it was sabotage. Or maybe the Cowboys legitimately aren't very good. I'm thinking both, actually. (Cowboys 19, Panthers 14)

Why bring the creamsicles back? They signify nothing but pain and misery. Of course, that may change if the Bucs can finish this drive and tie this game. Dallas Clark lives! What's gotten into Vincent Jackson? Touchdown! Wait, what? He was out of bounds? Oh, he was pushed out of bounds then came back in. Tough break. That's how the Bucs would lose back in the bad old days. (Saints 35, Buccaneers 28)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close III: So all the nice work the Jets did on that drive gets canceled out in 15 seconds. Covering Gronkowski would probably help. Sanchez on the safety: "Oh, crap, ball's loose in the end zone. I can't let them recover it; it'll be a touchdown. Should I just fall on it? I could just — oh, no, here comes Wilfork. If I fall on it, he'll fall on me, and I may die. I'll just get it out of here like it's an undisarmable bomb." That the Jets are only down six at halftime should raise eyebrows on both sides.


Again: Covering Gronkowski would probably help. Dustin Keller lives! This is a classic case of the resistible force overpowering the movable object. Stephen Hill just dropped first and goal. And Devin McCourty just fumbled away the Pats' lead. Terrible timing for Sanchez to get sacked and he was taking some heat in the chat room for not throwing it away, but he'd almost gotten away from Hightower and probably would have chucked it or taken off and run. Again: COVERING GRONKOWSKI WOULD PROBABLY HELP. What? Sanchez fell on that sack like he tripped over something. Ball's out! That's such a Jets way to lose. And if you're a Patriots fan, are you the least bit reassured right now? (Patriots 29, Jets 26, OT)


Matt Leinart: "You have got to be kidding me with this. I could outplay both of these clowns in my sleep. I've done it on Madden 13. I did it in Madden 12! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU FROM THIS TORTURE. I WILL COME OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND HUMILIATE BOTH OF YOU WITH ONE HAND TIED BEHIND MY BACK."
Carson Palmer: "Dude!"
Matt Leinart: "...that was out loud, wasn't it?"
Carson Palmer: "Just a little bit."
Matt Leinart: "...damn."
(Raiders 26, Jaguars 23, OT)

That Suh sack on Cutler looked weird but was perfectly legal. I don't know how Brandon Marshall or anyone else is saying something about a leg whip because there wasn't one. Jason Campbell not getting a starting gig baffles me — almost half the teams in the AFC would take him right now. The Lions are in trouble. (Bears 13, Lions 7)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Atlanta (6-0) — Could probably play better
2. Houston (6-1) — Short memories are crucial
3. Chicago (5-1) — Back to battering and bruising
4. San Francisco (5-2) — Should stick with the basics

BOTTOM 4:
29. Carolina (1-5) — Newton embroiled in controversy again
30. Jacksonville (1-5) — Could use a quarterback or two
31. Kansas City (1-5) — At least no more damage was done
32. Cleveland (1-6) — Maybe new ownership will help
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Friday, October 19, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Form and Dysfunction


And that bad decision was "trusting Shaun Suisham from 54 yards," which should be done approximately never. (Titans 26, Steelers 23)

Signal Finder: DET @ PHI, NE @ SEA, BUF @ AZ (end) NYG @ SF, MIN @ WAS (end)

Nice runback, Jacoby Jones. Now why did you bring it out from eight yards deep in the end zone in the first place? Felix Jones lives! Wasn't that the same play as the touchdown pass? And Dez caught that one and dropped this one? Wild. They got the onside kick! What in the name of... why would you throw a quick slant there? Why not go farther down the field? What is it lately with these coaches asking their kickers to try ridiculously long field goals? The Cowboys deserved this loss just for that. (Ravens 31, Cowboys 29)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Buccaneers 38, Chiefs 10

Somebody screwed up that snap and it wasn't Michael Vick. That's a big pass interference penalty. Touchdown. Seems like the Eagles have been running fewer screens since Vick took over. No Jason Peters is probably a factor there also. Security let Ricky Watters in? Wow. Eagles have come out with a good drive here. Celek needs to catch that. It occurs to me that that's the first time I've heard Calvin Johnson's name mentioned, and it's for arguing for a pass interference call after the ball was past him. Get up, LeSean. Please? Bryce Brown's done more to help the Eagles this year than Ronnie Brown did all of last year. And McCoy's back in. That's a forward pass. That's a touchy flag right there.


These field goals bug me. So apparently Cox punched the guy on the extra point and that's why he got tossed. Oh, Vick. That should have been a touchdown. Big stop on 3rd down there. Maclin! That's how you beat this team, and especially today when the running game hasn't worked at all. This game has suddenly gone completely off the rails, and it's coincided with Megatron finally getting on them. Tony Scheffler? Why is Tony Scheffler beating anyone deep? Nice three and out, guys. sarcasm Apparently this is what the Lions do these days. Overtime? Dear Lord. What are the new rules again? Not that it'll matter if that's how you're going to start. I've been a fan of this team for about 30 years, and people who have followed it in that time have seen a lot of bad offensive line play. This game has been among the worst I've ever seen. The Eagles are now punting from about their 7-yard line and this game could be over in five plays. Well, six if you count the actual kick. (Lions 26, Eagles 23, OT)


Apparently whatever happened to the Eagles' defense in the fourth quarter made its way to Philly from Cleveland, where it had finished humiliating the Bengals. How do you give up 34 points to that collection of stiffs? (Browns 34, Bengals 24)

It's a good thing for the Redskins that 1) Griffin broke off that big run at the end, and 2) regulation isn't five minutes longer. Because without both of those conditions, they probably lose. (Redskins 38, Vikings 26)

Let's go bigger picture here: Pete Carroll knows defense. He got his first NFL head coaching job off of knowing defense. If you lined up all the USC guys he sent to the NFL, offense on one side, defense on the other, the defensive players have been better pros by a mile. That's why Brady somehow got called for intentional grounding before the half. That's why he had to throw 58 times. That's why the Pats were 1-for-6 inside the red zone. That's not why Sidney Rice was able to burn the safety on what became the game-winning touchdown (the reason for that is that Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli relied on each other more then even they realized.) The Seahawks won this game the way the Patriots used to win this game. (Seahawks 24, Patriots 23)

That's such a Cardinals way to lose. (Bills 19, Cardinals 16, OT)


This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Alex Rodriguez; 2. Nick Swisher; 3. Dallas Reynolds; 4. Demetress Bell; 5. Philip Rivers

Ladies and gentlemen, the last 12 years of Chargers football, summed up in one game. (Broncos 35, Chargers 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Atlanta (6-0) - Just getting it done
2. Houston (5-1) - An inauspicious Sunday Night debut
3. Baltimore (5-1) - Defensive losses will hurt going forward
4. Chicago (4-1) - No points to be had here

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (1-4) - Let a big win slip away
30. Jacksonville (1-4) - What's that in the distance? Oh, nothing
31. Cleveland (1-5) - At least they won't go 0-16
32. Kansas City (1-5) - Well, that went as expected

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Sunday, October 14, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: The Weekly Slog

This is a surprisingly crisp and pass-happy drive to start for the Rams. Also a successful one. And the Cardinals did a good job trying to counter but fell short. This could be interesting. Boy, this game's pace has slowed dramatically from what we saw at the start. Kolb's getting crushed out there. CRUSHED. Seriously, who's the Cardinals' other backup? Because he may not survive. Uh-oh, Amendola's down and he's not happy. This could complicate things. And now nothing's happening. It's become a punting contest. Well, at least the Rams can run the ball. I guess this would be a good time to say that given what the NFL wants to accomplish with al of these Thursday night games, concentrating on division matchups like this one is probably the best way to go. Because let's be honest: If this were, say, Chiefs-Buccaneers, absolutely nobody would be watching. At least a division game you can sell sort of. Oh, the Rams scored again. On a pass, no less. This one's over. And so is Ryan Williams. The Cardinals were trying to do what, exactly, at the end? (Rams 17, Cardinals 3)

Signal Finder: PHI @ PIT, CLE @ NYG, MIA @ CIN (end), GB @ IND (end), DEN @ NE

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: We are five minutes in and the Browns are up 14-0 and that weird stat about how they've beaten four straight reigning Super Bowl winners is popping up in everyone's heads. Weeden just gave that one away. Wow, he's not good. Biases aside, I'm not a fan of the salsa dance. This is escalating into what we expected. OK, there's no way that's legal. That's what I thought. And of course the next pass goes into double coverage and gets intercepted. Wait, Bradshaw has 200 yards?



Not good. Not good for anyone involved. (Giants 41, Browns 27)

Oh, we're already back to doing this, Mike? This wasn't going to be easy anyway despite the Steelers' lackluster start — they've still got too many guys who just know what they're doing, and some of them just got back. The Steelers don't look much better. This is awful. Simply awful. Vick can't hold on to the ball and the Steelers can't get out of their own way. Oh, and it looks like Polamalu reinjured himself.  The Eagles haven't gotten to Ben at all. They're not even getting pressure. Did Rodgers-Cromartie just throw Antonio Brown's shoe to the sideline? This is hard to watch even without a rooting interest. When did the Steelers turn into the Raiders with all of these penalties? And McCoy walks right in. This is... questionable. (And by "this", I mean the challenge, the spot, and the decision to go for it on 4th down.) Got it! Good second effort. Well, they went for it last time, so you'd think they'd have to here... and it works again! How... how does the same enterprise produce a first half like that and then a drive like this? It's baffling. That's at least the third one Wallace has let slip out of his hands. That's a big first down. Getting Mendenhall out of bounds will help, but not much. The Eagles simply cannot get a stop for some reason — that's another big first down. Of course, now I'm not sure why the Steelers aren't sitting on the clock more. Ah, there we go. This isn't a lock with the weather and Shaun Suisham's inherent untrustworthiness. Also, which end of the field is this? And there it is.



That was... disappointing. (Steelers 16, Eagles 14)

And now off to The House That Peyton Built AND WE HAVE A DEVELOPING SITUATION. Big run for the Packers by whoever that was. That didn't take long and it never does if it doesn't have to. The two-point attempt... does not succeed. All right, rook; here it is. Notice that Luck's only thrown to two guys: Wayne, who's been around for 13 years, and Fleener, who was Luck's tight end at Stanford. And I have to say it — this is why there was so much hype. That's the longest run by a Colts quarterback in about 25 years. Touchdown! Wayne is massive. Is this enough time for the Pack? It might be... ick. Crosby missed that like Gostkowski missed against the Cardinals. And suddenly the Packers have Cause For Concern. CHUCKSTRONG. (Colts 30, Packers 27)




(49ers 45, Bills 3)

So, this last drive by the Chargers... didn't we see this last Sunday night? Also, enjoy the record, Drew; Brady's literally right behind you. (Saints 31, Chargers 24)

That first Texans drive was masterful. I think J.J. Watt just blocked a Carmelo Anthony three-pointer. Sweet throw by Sanchez to... Jeff Cumberland? Should the fake punt have worked twice in three weeks? This is what film study's for. Maybe the Jets should try McKnight at wide receiver full-time. I'm serious. He clearly has big-play ability but he hasn't been able to do it consistently at running back, but he needs opportunities and Lord knows the Jets need to use everything they've got. Sanchez is bad, Greene is bad, the offensive line is bad. And here's a more "out-there" suggestion:



Meanwhile, if the Texans have a pronounced weakness, it's that their non-Andre Johnson wide receivers are pretty pedestrian. Owen Daniels becoming the Owen Daniels of a few years ago might help. I'm not even gonna be mad about the Jets punting from the Houston 40 with 9 1/2 minutes left. It was 4th and 15. You think they're getting 15 yards? Please. And now this is one of the most convoluted two-minute drills you will ever see. Say "Watt" again! SAY "WATT" AGAIN!!! Well, that's that. You know it's bad when you're claiming moral victories in front of live microphones. (Texans 23, Jets 17)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Houston (5-0) — Probably should have been easier than it was
2. Atlanta (5-0) — See above
3. San Francisco (4-1) — Once-inexplicable loss to Vikings suddenly doesn't look so bad
4. Baltimore (4-1) — Playing down to the competition on the road again, I see

BOTTOM 4:
29. Jacksonville (1-4) — Charles Tillman is still running
30. Buffalo (2-3) — Not getting remotely close to what they paid for
31. Cleveland (0-5) — Even the good bounces aren't good
32. Kansas City (1-4) — Hey Chiefs fans: You know the next man up is Brady Quinn, right?
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Friday, October 5, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Return to Sender

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the REAL NFL OFFICIALS! I predict this honeymoon ends in the first half. I'm not sure how much better Weeden looks tonight than he did in the opener, but he's gotten absolutely no help from his receivers, who were already the worst group in the league before Cribbs went down (on a clean hit, BTW). Despite that, this game remains uncomfortably close, even for a rivalry game. Let me note right off the bat how smoothly this game has been run. The officials are in control, they know the rules, they're not taking any more time than they need to, and they're not taking any crap from the players or coaches. Also, this rain. Well that lasted longer than I thought. "At least we're booing professionals." Tucker finally misses... and then Weeden gives the Ravens those points back and then some. These receivers are awful. I can't overstate this. And yet here they are with another chance after the roughing call and... no. (Ravens 23, Browns 16)

Signal Finder: SF @ NYJ, CAR @ ATL (end), NE @ BUF, NO @ GB

Watching Kaepernick on that quarterback pitch makes me realize I have no idea how fast Tebow can actually run. This Jets offense is ponderous. Where's the speed? Where's the talent? Where's the creativity? Honestly, at this point 17 might be enough. Wait, what? Holmes just went down and inexplicably flipped the ball into the air and it got returned for a touchdown. He's definitely hurt, but what happened there? And things get worse after the Jets fail to block one guy rushing a punt. (49ers 34, Jets 0)


Welcome to Atlanta, where the contest is actually competitive. I did not know those wrinkles in the "spotting the ball after a fumble" rules. Now what do the Panthers do? They may be at the spot on the field where going for it would be worth it - even if they don't get it, the Falcons will still need to get a first down before thinking about a field goal. Honestly, I can go either way on this. That's a good punt. That was immediately negated. From what little I've seen of this game the Falcons threw to that left side a lot. Then nobody on Carolina bothered covering Douglas. How do you not park a guy over there? Put it on the board. (Falcons 30, Panthers 28)

Pereira on the Sproles fumble on the kickoff (which McCarthy couldn't challenge because he wasted one in the first quarter)

Seriously, I don't think I'd ever use a challenge in the first half. Now that all scoring plays are reviewed, I'm not sure there's ever a need to. So here we go. The Saints will have to use every second on this clock to win this game because they're so bad defensively that the Packers only need about 30 seconds to score on them if they have to. That's definitely too much time. What? Offensive holding? So they'll kick it again. He missed? Wow. It is not the Saints' year. Also, I expected these scores to be higher. Maybe not West Virginia-Baylor high, but... somehow more than this. (Packers 28, Saints 27)

See, that's how the Eagles normally lose to the Cardinals. (Cardinals 24, Dolphins 21, OT)


(Redskins 24, Buccaneers 22)

Dawkins led them out of the tunnel! Awesome. Man, both of these defensive lines are just doing whatever they feel like. It's been said before: If the running game doesn't work early, Andy will abandon it at the drop of a hat. It's subtle, but noticeable: the Eagles have shortened their offense. Shorter dropbacks for Vick, shorter passes, shorter routes. And they're actually using McCoy in the passing game, because even if the running game isn't working they need to get the ball in his hands somehow. Meanwhile, they're still getting tons of pressure on Eli (but haven't sacked him yet) and the Giants' receivers seem to be jumping a lot to make catches. Remember what I said earlier about never using a challenge in the first half? I mean, I initially thought Jackson caught it, and they got the call right in the end, but still. The prospects of anyone scoring in the game remain quite low. Things seem to be shifting in the second quarter as both offensive lines have tightened up somewhat. I think Nnamdi got poked in the eye - it looks like they're giving him eye drops on the sideline. That was easy enough. Jackson left two guys behind on that one. Kickoff returns have kept the Giants in this thing. Hey, look, the Eagles can run the ball. Did Eli drop that snap? That was crazy.Nice pick, DRC. Now why did you run it out of the end zone? That graphic about McCoy running on the Giants in the fourth quarter is becoming prescient. The Giants have lost the ability to contain the run game. McCoy just turned the corner on Osi like nobody's business, and Vick's gotten some free runs tonight as well. And once again poor playcalling down by the goal line leaves points on the field. I'm not sure what it means that the two best cornerbacks on the field tonight have been Prince Amukamura and Brandon Hughes. I have a bad feeling about this. Are they going to pass interfere themselves to a loss? (Both were the right calls, BTW. You could justify the one on Rodgers-Cromartie being offsetting because his facemask did get grabbed.) And there's another flag. This is ridiculous. Wait, what? Offensive? Oh, well, yeah. The guy almost gave Asomugha a reverse bulldog. I don't know what Collinsworth's carping about; that's as blatant as it gets.


Now the Giants have to kick a 54-yard field goal., but Tynes hasn't missed all year. Oops. Hooked it! What? Time out?  Who- DEAR GOD ANDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? And while I'm processing that, Coughlin decides to just kick it again and not try to get closer even though he has a down and time and Tynes already missed. Seriously, a five-yard out to the sideline and the Giants win. Oh, well, they'll probably win anyway.

HE MISSED AGAIN?!?!?!?



Just as I was thinking "Nothing insane has happened yet. That usually means a Giants win." Also, the only people who didn't completely botch that last drive... were the officials. Also also, look, Ma, no turnovers! And in my lifetime, of all of the crazy things that have happened in this rivalry, I think every single one of them has gone in the Eagles' favor. (Eagles 19, Giants 17)

This game is starting off like Eagles-Giants. Or, more dreadfully, Browns-Ravens. Or maybe I have those backwards? Whatever. Lot of Bears fans here tonight. Finally, some action. Dez Bryant isn't helping his own case (did he even see that?) and the Bears have bottled up the running game because the Cowboys' offensive line is bad. Way to salvage the first half there. And now it's all gone to hell. It's amazing how Romo's the one who's thrown four picks and Dez Bryant is arguably having a worse night. Wait, never mind.



Thanks for pitching in at the end, Orton! Yeah. The Bears made the Cowboys' offense look really bad tonight, which is quite a feat since it hasn't looked all that good except for the opener. (Bears 34, Cowboys 18)

RANKINGS

 TOP 4: 
1. Houston (4-0) - Taking care of business
2. Atlanta (4-0) - A few hiccups, but still unbeaten
3. San Francisco (3-1) - Repeating the formula
4. Baltimore (3-1) - Survived a few narrow escapes

BOTTOM 4:
29. Jacksonville (1-3) - Gabbert still isn't good
30. New Orleans (0-4) - Headed for disaster?
31. Cleveland (0-4) - Can't catch a break... or anything else, really
32. Kansas City (1-3) - You know it's bad when Brady Quinn's name is being mentioned


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Thursday, September 27, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Damaged Collateral

Well, looks like the Giants have come out in "Seriously, Do Not Trifle With Us" mode tonight. Giants fans have spent the last two years talking about Ramses Barden the same way Cowboys fans used to talk about Miles Austin. We're also seeing why the option will never work full-time in the NFL: Defenses are too fast. Even a quarterback as big and athletic as Newton can't run it against NFL-caliber defenders. The Giants are just doing whatever they feel like. This was over long before it ended. (Giants 36, Panthers 7)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ BUF, PHI @ ARZ, PIT @ OAK

"To convey what happened in the fourth quarter in Tennessee would require a dry-erase board, a fully loaded Sharpie, and a mastery of the dark arts." - Sean Fennessey, Grantland. Also, Jim Schwartz has done a lot to help turn the Lions around, but they should have actually gone for it at the end. (Titans 44, Lions 41, OT)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Whoa! Tebow on the punt team actually pays off! Why did no one consider this possibility when Rex first mentioned it? Nice pass, Tannehill. This has been an awful game to watch. I mean, it's a slog as it is and the constant slowdowns and stoppages aren't helping matters. And now it's Sanchez's turn to throw a bad interception. Wait, Revis is down? Uh-oh. Oh, no. He wasn't even hit or anything... that's not good. Wait, how did the Jets come back? This game was over and they can't score points. (I had to go to work and the Jets rallied while I was driving.) Hey Dolphins! That NEVER WORKS. And now I have proof. This time it's good! Serves 'em right. (Jets 23, Dolphins 20, OT)



And now, we present the two luckiest teams in the National Football League. The Wildcat is so three years ago, guys. Why hasn't Jackson been returning punts? Anyone? Uncanny. Bounces off DeMeco Ryans's hands right to Michael Floyd for a touchdown. The Eagles' defense can't get a stop on third down and the offensive line can't protect Vick. Their best blocker against the blitz has been McCoy, of all people. I'm having trouble thinking of a receiver in recent years who's burned the Eagles as badly as Fitzgerald has. I don't think even prime Randy Moss torched them on such a consistent basis. It's kind of amazing that the Eagles have played so badly so far and still have a chance to go into halftime down only - oh, look, another turnover. And James Sanders is going to do his James Harrison impression. This thing's actually already over. Take away the fumbled punt return and Johnson had a decent game. Part of me wants them to get Vick out of there for his own personal safety, but they can't put Foles back there because he might actually die. Look, I've seen more than my fair share of bad Eagles losses to the Cardinals, but never like this. They usually happen in Philadelphia, and they're usually not this decisive. (Cardinals 27, Eagles 6)

Remember last week when I asked how the replacements were going to deal with a game with actual bad blood in it? We may be close to finding out. Look, once the quarterback starts to slide, you can't hit him. Simple as that. Also, my "offensive pass interference only gets called once a week" manifesto seems to have been thrown out with the bath water. It occurs to me that the problem with the replacement officials is the same one that I have with current NBA refs: The game's just too fast for them to keep up with. looks closely No, Smith didn't push off on the touchdown catch. I don't even know how he's able to make a touchdown catch with what he's been through in the last 20 or so hours. I see tackling hasn't improved any either - Pitta just ran through two guys there. And the Patriots come right back. This is a good game, guys. There's a reason Brandon Lloyd's played for five teams. It also makes the Welker freezeout make even less sense. Man, between last week and tonight, the Ravens' defense just doesn't look like what it used to be. Deion Branch just got his clock cleaned and still held on. Why go for it there? And why is Rice on the sidelines while you're going for it there? Bizarre. What is going on here? I know McCourty's been bad this game but how is that a penalty? And how is that a penalty? Harbaugh's going berserk. This crowd is united like no other crowd before or since:


And then McCourty gets flagged AGAIN on the final drive! Here we go. It's... is it good? Did that clear the upright? It did? Wow. Kicking is a fickle mistress. Last week, on the road, Tucker hit from 56 and 51 like it was nothing. Here he almost slices a 27-yarder and almost sets off a firestorm.



Someone tell Belichick he can't do that to the officials. Also unnoticed: Flacco outplayed Brady again, at least in the fourth quarter. This time, he got the win to show for it. (Ravens 31, Patriots 30)

Let me finally state this for the record: The Seahawks' new uniforms? AGAINST. Wow, the Seahawks defense is doing to the Packers what the Cardinals did to the Eagles but worse. Eight sacks in one half? That's brutal. Chris Clemons got four of them. No. 31 on Seattle's a safety? That guy's huge. The Packers aren't even trying to run the ball. Good heads-up on spotting that fumble, Jeff Saturday. (Weird to see him not in a Colts uniform, by the way.) One last chance for the Hawks. OH MY GOD. Who caught it? Who's got this thing? Do they both have it? They called it a touchdown! Oh, that's soul crushing. We will need to see this several times and from several angles. The fact that two officials standing right next to each other signaled two different things frightens me. OK, let's see it for a fifth time.

I don't believe what I'm about to say.

They got it wrong.




You'd almost have to script the way this played out: the Sunday night game coming down to a pure judgment call that... well, it looked to me like they got it right, but that put this thing right on the precipice. And one night later, it falls off. Everyone's worst nightmare just came true. Gruden's about to have a heart attack. And yeah, Tate pushed off down in the scrum in the end zone, but that almost never gets called. They still have to kick the extra point, right? Someone needs to come back out onto the field. The Packers are coming back out - I can only assume that they'd have to finish the game on the field in order to file an official protest. It looks like they just picked 11 guys and sent them out there. Cedric Benson's with them and he's a running back. God, if this thing actually gets blocked... nah, it's over, almost 10 minutes after the fact. The underrated lesson for you kids out there: Listen to Tom Jackson. KNOCK IT DOWN! (Seahawks 14, Packers 12)

Unsurprisingly, Twitter was ablaze:



Keep in mind, this guy plays for the Vikings:








John Legend's model girlfriend trolls us:


So would everyone else ever, Mark:










Mike Pereira (former head of NFL officials, now works for FOX) wasn't around Monday night. From his tweets it sounded like he was climbing a mountain on a vision quest or something. Whatever, he was off the grid when all this went down, explaining this exchange:



Then a deal basically got done late Wednesday night. Here's Rachel Nichols again to put a wrap on it:



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