Big In 2004

Favorite CD: Did I even buy a CD this year? Oh, wait, the Franz Ferdinand disc.

Wedding present I would give Britney & Kevin: Some damn Tide

Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV, surprise surprise. Honorable mention to it becoming more about the Yankees' choke than the Red Sox comeback

My favorite new toy: My new optical mouse, of all things

In 2004 I was totally obsessed with: Not being obsessed

Sex symbol of 2004: First half - EVIL TRISH~~~! Second half - Double L. I'm such a follower.

Underrated hottie: Natalie Coughlin

Best sex I've had this year: "A gentleman never tells." That's what my answer would be if I actually HAD one.

Biggest bitch move: Ricky Williams walking out on the Dolphins/Kobe telling cops that Shaq paid off his one-night stands (which led to Shaq saying, "I'm not the one buying love.")

Trend that's becoming disturbing: The return of the beer commercial wars

Worst personal moment of 2004: The lost checkbook incident

Favorite phrase of 2004 other than "I'm Rick James, bitch.": "I'm [insert name here], and I approved this message."

Number of times I said "I'm Matt Spaulding, bitch!": None. And thank God for that. Say it out loud and see how stupid that sounds.

Number of times I thought "Is Matt Spaulding gonna have to choke a bitch?": At least two

Number of times I watched the Paris Hilton sex tape: Negro, please.

Best song I downloaded this year: Jay-Z, "99 Problems"

I've seen just about enough of: Jude Law

I've seen entirely too much of: Tara Reid

Biggest disaster I NEVER *cough* would have predicted: "And starting at quarterback for the Washington Redskins, Mark Brunell."

People I'm glad I wasn't: 1. Scott Peterson; 2. The guy who threw the cup at Ron Artest; 3. Jim McGreevey; 4. Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania XX; 5. Tim Couch

Guiltiest pleasure: "Culo"

Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: Home, barring a miraculous healing

Ambitions for 2005: Start saving money, for real this time. Maybe consider moving into a bigger place. Actually try to get a girlfriend if I feel like it. Just generally try to improve.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Getting What You Give

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the Triple H Dome. Sorry. I'd also like to apologize for the tackling in this game that ranks among the worst in the history of football. This is actually rather ingenious, asking for a measurement, and it's close enough that maybe you have time to take one more quick shot. Tice needs to stop complaining about that and start getting his guys to wrap up (and I mean that in every possible connotation.) And Evil Favre rears his head again. Now can the Vikings keep them at bay this time? What do you think? This game looks awfully familiar, doesn't it?

I saw none of this but:

"Nowadays everybody wanna kick like they got nothing to lose / But nothin' goes right when they squib the kick / It's enough to make you sick / and muthafuckas act like they forgot about Dante."

So that's where Doug Johnson (who's WHITE) ended up. I honestly didn't know.

The Jags laid an egg in that one, huh?

Plaxico's back, so Ben should start kicking ass again. And Heap's out, so Boller won't. And as if on cue, TOUCHDOWN. Wait, what's wrong with him? Isn't this how we got to this point in the first place? This game took literally two and a half hours.

Which meant I (and probably millions of other East Coasters) FINALLY got to see the Chargers. Not the best first impression they could have left. The kickoff return turned the game around; no need to deny it. CLANG! Way to go, Vanderjagt. Now this is dangerous because the Colts are gonna get the ball back. Peyton waving the punt team off the field~~~~~~~~~~~ 49!!! How'd Stokley get so open? The Chargers used his man to double Wayne on the outside, and the safety that was supposed to pick him up fell or something. Think the Colts try the kick if there's no flag after the interception?

I haven't seen a good angle of the Bears-Lions ending yet... did they rule the guy stepped out of bounds? I'm still not sure what happened here.

I don't know what all the disappointment and anger is all about. The Jets aren't better than the Patriots. Is is that hard to accept?

7-0 Cardinals? Are you kidding me? Oh, all right, that's more like it. Hey, a Trent Dilfer sighting! How bad is the NFC when it's Week 16 and the Cardinals have only now been eliminated?

Johnny: "THIS game may set the sport back 30 years." I hope everyone watching this display was properly medicated. Good Lord, this was awful. "We've got a case of the giggles right now."

Yeah, it's hard to care about this one. Has Bulger ever faced the Eagles before? I'm thinking not. I just want Bruce to catch a touchdown so I can get some cushion.

FANTASY REPORT
Not a good weekend for Johnny. I beat him in the third-place game in the tSC league after Reid rested all the important Eagles, and Ska opened up a can on him in the XFLaPA championship. Rob ended up winning the Circle league. Way to RIG it. ;)

RANKINGS
TOP 3
1. Pittsburgh - Maddox gets controls back for a week
2. New England - Just hanging out at this point
3. (tie) Indianapolis - Jim Sorgi, COME ON DOWN!
(tie)Philadelphia - B-teamers fail to impress

BOTTOM 3
30. Miami - ew.
31. San Francisco - Ew.
32. Cleveland - EW!

Christmas '04: Point By Point

- I swear, everybody in every store, mall, or line was on a cell phone. I can't imagine what they'd be talking about. "OK, here's what I got you..."

- Going into Lowe's may have been the most intimidated I've ever been by a shopping trip since the first time I went to Franklin Mills.

- Even CVS was packed on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure if I should be surprised by that, but I was.

- Lots of people heading south. Possibly to turn east and head for the casinos, Mom thinks.

- How about those poor bastards who got screwed by U.S. Airways?

- It snowed in Mexico. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating. It SNOWED in MEXICO.

- My parents are getting lazy - the house wasn't decorated nearly as much as it's been in years past. They didn't even display the Christmas cards they got.

- Dinner: Prime Rib (why is it capitalized?), twice-baked potatoes, green beans, and deviled eggs. No cole slaw, which was a shock since every time I've been home since I moved, we've had cole slaw. Dad even went to the supermarket yesterday afternoon, but they were out.

- Comedy is listening to Al Michaels try to psychoanalyze the Kobe-Shaq situation just before tipoff.

- What you care about (read: the loot):
- new bathrobe
- slippers
- alarm clock
- The Great Philadelphia Fan Book
- The Great Philadelphia Sports Debate
- Dave Barry 2005 day-by-day calendar
- Christmas ornament
- Eight-piece cookware set (a sure sign that I'm getting old)
- Seinfeld DVDs
- Sports Immortals: Stories of Inspiration and Achievement

And I've talked about this before, I'm sure, but as you get older, you find (or at least we have) that you don't want as much.

- What a thing to wake up to.

- Apparently the snow will be two days late.

Since Butch Had No Idea What I Was Talking About...

The item in question

And with that, I'm out like the Niners and the playoffs.

Happy holidays, jabronis. See you Sunday.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Taking Hits

The Giants are gonna need a miracle to - Whoa! THAT'LL help. Am I the only one who realizes that a big part of the reason Ben's struggled recently is that his favorite target (Plaxico) has been out? Does no one else watch these games? Eli actually looks competent this week. Ike Hilliard's still alive? I'll be damned. Are... are the Giants ahead? What have you got, Ben? Oh, that's what. OK.

This game may have set the sport back 15 years.

Grass just doesn't look right indoors. I'm just saying. It's not helped Vick that Price is looking more and more like the new Alvin Harper every week. You know Delhomme's had a broken thumb for two months? Peppers is lining up at receiver? Nice block, at any rate. Notice how Muhammad's getting the ball more than Colbert has been as the season winds down. This is basically how the Panthers' season has gone if you think about it. And it just might end the same way as Vick runs past EVERYBODY and scores. He never hit the ground. Rock on.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close I: Vikings-Lions, THE REMATCH. Second time this game's gotten this honor. I just hope Mariucci waits until the 26th to cut that kid. Still, you know the Vikings would've lost it in OT. You KNOW this.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II: Cowboys-Eagles. The extra point getting blocked should have been bad sign #1. Somebody help that man off the field! Keep the weight off his leg! That's bad sign #2. What's happened to Pinkston? Has he been having nightmares or something? Then Donovan remembered he watched Vick last night and thought, "Hey, let's try that." Testaverde throwing a horrible interception at a crucial moment? Gee, that's never happened before. How in God's name has he stuck around for 18 years? It offends me as a football fan.

SING THE SONG. Next week they get their mettle tested.

OMG A JON KITNA SIGHTING. Who thought we'd see it this late? The Bills are basically the NFC's Panthers by now - beat up, dead and buried, they've dialed things down and made a late run of their own. Spikes, during his interception return: "You know, when I worked here, this shit happened to us ALL the time."

Should Hasselbeck really be playing with a shaky elbow? Pennington's clearly OK, and this is the difference between playing with confidence and, well, not.

*crosses off Buccaneers* And it's too little, too late for the Saints also.

That shit happens in Camden all the time - Darius may not know any better. I didn't even realize Ferguson's helmet had been knocked off until they showed the replay the second time. You know what was sort of great about that? The fans were all morose and mellow when they stretchered him out, and then that cheer exploded after the commercial when they announced Darius had been thrown out. The funny thing about Favre is that the ill-advised interceptions actually enhance his gutsy gambler persona a little bit. You know? It's like you expect it, and you learn to live with it when he's wrong, but he can still be right often enough to hurt you. The second Grant pick was just a great play on his part - we all thought Driver had it. Great win for the Jags, who still might end up making it.

I'll ask again: Does ANYBODY want to win the NFC West? *the Cardinals meekly raise their hands in the background*

I don't see Peyton getting it tonight. Just a hunch. Edge is second in the league in rushing? Really? You'd seriously never know it. Still, I'm surprised they don't have a touchdown yet. I can see why you take the field goal off the board if you're the Ravens - you're not beating this team with field goals. Interception! This one's over. I also like the kneeldown - you DON'T want to anger these people.

Anybody see Ricky on 60 Minutes?

Well, this is gonna suck. MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!! Special teams~~~ Impossibly, the Dolphins are now ahead and nobody's the least bit concerned. And rightly so. See? Well, at least they didn't completely embarrass themselves. Hey, a meaningless late touchdown. I'm sorry, WHAT? Was that Tom Brady or Peter Brady? He doesn't do that! That's awful. A.J. THREADS THE NEEDLE for the touchdown! Oh my God. Jason Taylor: "I hope they lost a lot of money with their 10-point spread." In my own twisted mind I imagine Heather jokingly offering anal to A.J. if the Dolphins won this game and her saying "Oh, shit" after Brady's fourth pick at the end. This should never have happened. Voting for "Upset Of The Decade" is now closed.

FANTASY REPORT:
tSC: It'll be me and Johnny... in the third-place game. What happened to me against Rob was what I feared might happen (and Rob can confirm this, as we talked about it) - the Ravens' defense cancelling out Harrison & Wayne to the point where none of them ended up helping me. It's Rob vs. Dupin for the title.

RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Pittsburgh - Big scoring burst puts Steelers in control
2. New England - Throw this one out?
3. Philadelphia - Won't drop them... yet

BOTTOM 3:
30. Miami - It didn't help you THAT much
31. San Francisco - Erickson should've taken the Ole Miss job
32. Cleveland - Brown is also the color of the paper bags

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Thinning The Herd Through Wanton Violence

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the Ravens' home stadium again. I was hoping we wouldn't have any repeats, but alas. Still no Jamal? What we're seeing here with Boller is him finally getting confortable and the coaches allowing him to take risks. Having Heap back is huge - it turns this team into a new Chargers-style offense where the TE is the focal point, though I still think I'd rather have the Bolts' receivers. This game just Would. Not. End. Is... is that Kurt Warner's music?

I... I don't know why you call that play. Especially at that point in the game. I want Moss on the receiving end of any chicanery that might ensue. That's a game you not only can't lose, but you especially can't lose like that. Now I move that the Bills represent the NFC North in the playoffs. Anyone?

*crossess off Cowboys* I'm sorry, but if you play like that at home against the dumbest team in football, you don't need to be in the playoffs.

"PLAYOFFS?! Don't talk about... oh, wait, my kid? OK then."

*crosses off Bengals* Although this is sort of what they had in mind when they made the switch to Palmer. It just didn't come off quite as well. Next year. Dillon can lie all he wants, but he wanted 350 yards and eight touchdowns. Are you kidding me? Another pick for Troy Brown. Have you considered a career change?

Looks like McGahee was right after all.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Scott Linehan; 2. Chris Chandler; 3. Jake Plummer; 4. Mike Sellers; 5. Vinny Testaverde; 6. A McCown brother.

I don't care who you are or who's hurt or whatever; after the fourth interception, you're gone. Let's not forget that the Panthers are doing this without their four best players, too.

SING THE SONG.

Not only is shaving his head a loving gesture on Favre's part, but he kinda pulled off the look, I thought. I stuck the "next year" tag on the Lions, too, and I'll stand by that.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Dolphins-Broncos.

Old-time running. Gotta love it. This is a proving ground of sorts for the Jets, much like their visit to New England. And just like that game, they're hanging around, and this is a team that can pick you off if you let them hang around. This may have been Ben's worst game, but Chad wasn't much better. Okay, three things here on the Bettis pass and why it's better than the Moss pass: 1. Your best receiver isn't throwing it; 2. It's not a dire situation late in the game; and 3. It worked.

Anyone know who was announcing the 49ers-Cardinals game? Were they temps? Did Fox hire them for the day or something? This was the Yahoo! Pro Pick 'Em Upset of the Week and a game I wouldn't bet if my family was in front of a firing squad.

You know, the Redskins may be the second-dumbest team in the league, but their screw-ups only lead to penalties and not points for the other team. Give them this, though... they actually play well at times. These guys are beating the hell out of each other - I'm waiting for Freak to snap in half. OUCH. And you hate to see this, especially on a clean hit. Somebody cover Cooley, please! Thanks.

This has the marks of being another one of Those Games all over it, doesn't it? And so it was as neither team can stop the other. That personal foul call at the end was shaky at best.

FANTASY REPORT
tSC Playoffs: So with Bulger out, I swapped out Isaac Bruce for Anquan Boldin since the Panthers were on a roll and I actually didn't trust Chandler to not get hurt during the game. It didn't make a huge difference, as I beat Tyler anyway (though Boldin did have more points). Rob beat Butch and is next. Give Dupin Kristen Bell in a Drew Bennett jersey and he's a happy man.

RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Pittsburgh - Bettis doing it all
2. New England - Don't bother checking the classifieds
3. Philadelphia - No style points this week

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco - Should play the Cardinals every week
31. Cleveland - May be ASKED to leave this time around
32. Arizona - No end in sight

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Less Wheat, More Chaff

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at a big-ass pirate ship. Seriously, have you seen this thing? It's HUGE. What's odd about the Bucs is that they're not on top, nor are they a laughingstock - they're just an afterthought. Yet they're the one team that's managed to have pretty consistent success controlling Vick. They've still got some players, and it's not like Gruden forgot how to coach. Mora: "We sure know how to lose, don't we?"

*crosses off Cardinals* Even the bad Kerry Collins would've been better than this collection of stiffs.

Huh. Bledsoe's still starting. I'll be damned. Isn't the December Bills-Dolphins game always in Buffalo? What happened? LINEMEN RUNNING WITH THE FOOTBALL. I read there were even problems with the anthem. Have the Dolphins always had this many problems and we're just now seeing them?

Bulger better be OK because Chandler won't last more than two weeks before his leg falls off or something.

Hey, look! It's Chad Hutchinson! Urlacher came back, too, which was kind of forgotten. But the Bears have been pretty forgettable anyway. Wow, this has been the best Bears quarterbacking performance in YEARS. And now it's all coming apart for Culpepper. Are they trying to blow this again?

*crosses off Saints*

It's an onside kick FESTIVAL. You know, Volek's not all that bad. This may be the greatest first quarter ever. They did it AGAIN!! Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there. Well, unless you're a Colts fan. There aren't words left to describe what Peyton's doing.

I... I don't know. It's like a sustained bombing run. I think you throw this game out if you're the Packers. Favre: "They're better than us, I know that."

Broncos. Chargers. CHARGERS?!? It's huge. Is LDT fully healed yet? The Chargers' defense is playin gout of its mind here - getting tips, knocking balls down. I think only one of the interceptions was actually Plummer's fault. Man, that play at the end... you're not supposed to have brain freeze in San Diego. Sing it. Sing it! SING THE SONG, BITCHES!

*crosses off Giants* I guess Coughlin realized they were playing over their heads in the first half, but why would you make the switch to Eli when he'd face the Eagles, Redskins, Ravens and Steelers defenses all in a row? You know who's been awful quiet this year is Jeremy Shockey. The Redskins should be putting up this many points every week, and Portis should be getting this many touches every week.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Any Seahawks defender; 2. Darius Watts; 3. Josh Scobee; 4. Jim Haslett; 5. Jake Plummer.

What's up with all the Jags' receivers having numbers in the teens? I don't think any announcing crew breaks down replay challenges better than these guys. What hasn't been said too much about Ben's struggles is how Plaxico was his favorite target and he's been out for three weeks or so. Uh-oh, it's late in the game and it's close. Here's your first big two-minute drill, Ben. Make it good. Aaaaaand he DOES! But that's still too much time left for the Jaguars. Wow. If that kick's on-line, I think he makes it.

OMG A JERRY RICE SIGHTING. This could get out of hand in a hurry. And it is - just for the other side. That's, what, 26 in a row? Oh, look, Vinny throws a pick at a crucial moment. That's never happened before. This other corner for the Cowboys is getting abused tonight - who knew they'd miss Pete Hunter so much? I'll say this: at least the Cowbys picked a running back when the time came. This is turning into the Baltimore game from last year. Keyshawn was... out of bounds? That's close. Then they get the onside kick. Whaaaaaaaat? You CANNOT let a team run the ball on you like that in the last two minutes. Holmgren: "Let's just say it. We should win those." This should never have happened. I move that the Broncos replace the NFC West winner in the playoffs. Who's with me?

FANTASY REPORT
XFLaPa: It's over. My sorry collection of running backs let me down all year, and the Seahawks' defense doomed me in the end, as I lost 107.58-77.71. Small consolation is my overall point total of 1032.31 was only exceeded by the top three teams. Finish at 6-7.

tSC: Johnny beat me in a meaningless rematch, as we were locked into 1 and 2. Tyler awaits in the first round. Why do 8 of 10 teams get into the playoffs? What is this, the NBA?

RANKINGS

TOP 3
1. New England - Hey, we can pile up points, too
2. Pittsburgh - A narrow escape
3. Philadelphia - Class of the NFC

BOTTOM 3
30. Cleveland - Needs to re-think things
31. Miami - Beached
32. San Francisco - What's left to say?

Odds and... Well, More Odds

- Everybody's doing pretty much the right thing so far with respect to the Pistons-Pacers brawl. Refreshing.

- I feel so DIRTY for liking Linkin Park's "Breaking The Habit". DIRTY, I say.

- It's over. In case you've been under the rock and all. Now I want her to stick around for a few days. It looks better.