Monday, February 21, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Wrap Party

Bengals win the toss and defer.




That's not a good sign. Hey, new graphics! Darrell Henderson's first carry in several weeks gets eaten up. The Bengals take over and the same thing happens. But they elect to go for it from midfield. Pass is broken up. Pass? Come on, man.



That movie's secretly terrible and is never coming out, is it? Stafford finds Kupp for 20 yards. Touchdown Beckham! That was defended well but a great throw from Stafford made it possible.





These two punters are lifers, man. Good job by Chase to not wait until the third quarter to make a big play like he did two weeks ago in the AFC title game.


Three straight incompletions lead to a field goal. Nice work, guys. The Rams offensive players are doing work after the catch. Touchdown Kupp! There's some chaos on the extra point with a dropped hold and a desperation pass that gets intercepted. Bengals run around for a few seconds but nothing comes of it. 13-3, which was the score in the Rams' last Super Bowl, which they lost. Mixon's been the Bengals' best player on this drive. And possibly so far in this game. And then he does THAT. HALFBACK PASS. TOUCHDOWN HIGGINS. (The L.A. Rams' touchdown in Super Bowl 13 was also thrown by a running back.)





Beckham grabs his knee and goes down. Stafford throws deep and is intercepted in the end zone at the two-minute warning. There was a taunting penalty afterwards because someone came off the Bengals' bench. Later replays show it was Vernon Hargreaves, who's kind of an idiot anyway and I'm surprised to learn is still in the league.


Is that the first time we've seen Robert Iler since the show ended? Celebrity roll call! LeBron, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, and Emmitt Smith.


So was that Salesforce ad supposed to be McConaughey returning from Interstellar?


Rams throw deep on 3rd and 1 but it's off target. Half ends without incident. This'll be interesting. Poor Maria Taylor's stuck in the crowd. We've already seen Mary tonight (in a mammogram commercial, of all things). This looks like it's on film. We open with Dre and Snoop doing "The Next Episode", paying off that bet. Second is "California Love." SURPRISE 50 APPEARANCE??



He does most of "In Da Club". Then we flip back up to the roof and Mary.



"Family Affair" into "No More Drama." This bit with the dudes in the cardboard boxes looks like something out of a Jordan Peele movie. Oh, this is Kendrick's spot? I didn't recognize him. Eminem does his hook for "Forgot About Dre" (with "motherfucker" pointedly being muted) before "Lose Yourself" starts. He's got a live band OH WAIT THAT'S ANDERSON .PAAK'S BAND with .Paak on drums.



"Still DRE" to close. The Bengals kicker was out there for the whole show! After the game: MORE OLYMPICS.

Ramsey falls down and Higgins is wide open! 75 yard touchdown! Bengals take the lead immediately.


Oh, he got face masked and it wasn't called (or it was just missed). First Rams pass is intercepted! That probably would have been to Beckham if he wasn't hurt. Now we got a gathering after shoving Burrow out of bounds. That wasn't late at all. Bengals go for it on 4th and 1 and Burrow takes it himself. Donald sacks Burrow on 3rd and 3. The Rams can't run the ball on this defense. Double reverse pass? Kupp throws it way too high. Gay hits from 41.


Didn't recognize clean-shaven Seth Rogen. Stafford gets sacked, then is seen on a training table during this Bengals series. Now Burrow gets taken down inside his own 5 by Von Miller. Considering the way this quarter started, the Rams are fortunate to only be down four at the end of it. Burrow finds Boyd on the run for a first down. Burrow gets sacked on third down and limps off afterwards. Then the Bengals get flagged for a personal foul after the play.


Oh, there it is. A Bengals lineman slapped Leonard Floyd. Stop running the ball, Rams. It's not working. Stafford throws too high for Skowronek.


It's one thing to get cowed in your first Super Bowl with Bill Belichick on the other sideline. But this is McVay's second dance, and he's going up against a guy who's been carried here by his players. Rams knock Mixon back for a three-yard loss on a swing pass. Boyd with a bad drop on 3rd and 9. That's his first drop of the year?? 6:13 left. Akers can't get a 3rd and 1 from his own 30.


Jet sweep to Kupp and he picks it up. That may have been the call Brandt was waiting for. Stafford finds Kupp over the middle for 22. Did he just throw that early because the coverage sealed the spot off? Akers with his first decent run of the night. Rams are inside the 10 with 1:55 left.


Stafford overthrows Jefferson. You know who the Rams really miss down here? Tyler Higbee. Another incompletion on second down. Third down pass is knocked down, but there's a flag. They get the Bengals for holding. Hmmm. His hand's clearly on Kupp. Rams get new downs. Touchdown Kupp, who gets blasted in the end zone. There's a flag back at the 11. Offsetting penalties! Then they flag Apple for DPI.


Sneak goes nowhere. Bengals call time out with 1:29 left. KUPP. TOUCHDOWN. Point after is good.


Ryne Sandberg came up a lot in the replies to this, as did Mark Rypien. The Rams scoring does put their best unit back on the field, though. (Well, except for Ramsey, who's been a little overrated ever since he joined the Rams.) Bengals with a last shot. Chase beats Ramsey again for 17. Boyd gets 9. They run it with Perine on third down and he gets stopped short. Stuff like that is why I don't believe in Zac Taylor. Mixon has to be on the field. Bengals use another time out with 43 seconds left. Burrow drops back but Donald wraps him up and spins him into an incompletion!


He points to his ring finger afterwards. Savor it, big man. Happy for Beckham, too. I"m also laughing like a hyena at this dude:


Seriously, DeSean pouted his way out of a ring because he wasn't getting enough touches. LOL. McVay gets doused in blue Gatorade, paying off THAT bet. Wait, Michele's retiring? And that brings up the even bigger elephant in the booth. Kupp's the MVP.




Hold up, we're just leaving? We're really not going to get a final wrap-up from Al and Cris? That's bizarre. Kinda like this season. (Rams 23, Bengals 20)

FINAL RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
 1. L.A. Rams (12-5) — Jumped through their window
2. Cincinnati (10-7) — Element of surprise is gone
3. Kansas City (12-5) — Live by the flip, die by the flip
4. Buffalo (11-6) — What could have been

BOTTOM 4:
 29. N.Y. Jets (4-13) — It's what we expected, right?
30. N.Y. Giants (4-13) — Need to be honest with themselves
31. Detroit (3-13-1) — Maybe there's potential here?
32. Jacksonville (3-14) — Let's hope they didn't hire 2020 Pederson

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