Monday, September 19, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Same New, Same Old

 

Welcome back MELISSA STARK?? OK THEN. Wasn't expecting that at all. Bills get the ball first. Well, this is looking easy. Gabriel Davis picking up where he left off and the Bills are on the board. Rams get a pick! FUMBLE. Rams get it. They CANNOT run the ball right now. And then Stafford throws an interception. This is gonna be one of those games, isn't it?


Field goal makes it 10-0 Bills. Rams go for it on 4th and 2 with a quick screen to Kupp and he somehow makes it.


That wasn't going to work until the line gave him a push. Henderson with the first decent run of the night for the Rams. Kupp? KUPP. How did he get his feet down?


Troy Hill undercuts Crowder and picks off Allen. Gay kicks from 58. It's GOOD. 10-10 at halftime.


The Bills are embarrassing the Rams' defense except for the turnovers. Touchdown McKenzie! That was just as easy as the game-opening drive. Wait, Chad Hall? As in one-time Eagle Chad Hall is Kelly Stafford's brother? Whoa. The Rams' pass protection has been... inconsistent. Allen opens the fourth by dropping one into Davis's pocket, beating the blitz. Diggs can't handle Allen's late jump pass. Collinsworth agrees with me that he probably could have taken it in himself. Which he does on the next play.


Stafford throws too high for Kupp and Jordan Poyer picks it! I know there's 11 minutes left but that felt damaging. And it is, as Diggs races by Ramsey, falls down, and makes the catch for the touchdown anyway. There's another interception off a batted pass. That tackle's the best play Stafford's made tonight. Too much Little Caesars, I guess. (Bills 31, Rams 10)

Signal Finder: PIT @ CIN, PHI @ DET, JAX @ WSH (end), GB @ MIN, KC @ AZ, LV @ LAC (end)

FITZPATRICK PICK SIX. Football is BACK. Harris gets stuffed at the Bengals' 2, then Freiermuth gets tangled up and can't haul it in on third down. 10-3 Steelers. Watt blows up a run, then somehow ends up with a pick on the next play. This guy Gentry on the Steelers? 6-8, 255, and can run in space? What? Touchdown Harris and it's 17-3 Steelers and the Bengals just look hung over. Burrow throws another interception! That's Four turnovers for the Bengals. Mixon breaks one on 4th and 1 and gets to the 3. NOT a touchdown for Chase, as he couldn't get both feet in. Levi Wallace is a Steeler? Bengals end up kicking a field goal. Chase with a catch on the sideline. Was he in? That's not a touchdown. Shovel pass doesn't work. 1:55 left. Burrow's pass is deflected and falls incomplete. Then Chase gets flagged for saying something and the Steelers get 15 yards. They do nothing with it but get off a good punt, at least. CHASE??? No, they say he didn't get both feet down. Watt gets off the line immediately, but can't sack Burrow, gets called for illegal hands to the face, and leaves with an injury.


Yeah, you could read his lips pretty clearly thre. Don't love that call on Fitzpatrick. Burrow finds The Other Mike Thomas but he drops it. Four seconds left. TOUCHDOWN CHASE! BACKUP long snapper on the PAT. BLOCKED!!! My God. Fitzpatrick blocked it? Unbeleivable. Steelers win the OT coin toss. McPherson MISSES on another bad snap. Eagle: "Mike Tomlin's been around a long time. I don't know if he's ever seen this." Diontae Johnson with a better catch on the sideline than Chase made in regulation. They say he's out? Oh, that's close. They look at it and that's a catch! Wow! Fourth and 4 now and the Steelers are trying a 55-yarder. CLANG off the post! Boswell's in shock.


Burrow is sacked and fumbles, but Perine saves it and manages to get it into... field goal range. The ball's spotted at midfield. Refs huddle. Steratore explains that since Burrow fumbled, and it's overtime, only he could advance it. So now it's 4th and 16 with 1:08 left and the Bengals have to punt. Now there's a clock malfunction. Trubisky throws across the field and finds Freiermuth, plus the Bengals were offside. Boswell from 53. It's GOOD! Not sure either team deserved to win but it is what it is. (Steelers 23, Bengals 20, OT)

These two teams were not so fortunate. (Colts 20, Texans 20, OT)

De'Andre Swift breaks a 51-yarder. Back-to-back false starts gives off same old Lions vibes. Hockenson stretches to get 3rd and 9. Jamal Williams bounces off the pile and scores. Welp. Lions already getting pressure with blitzes. Now the Eagles are jumpy. Hurts scrambles for 16 on 3rd and 15. Bad decision on 3rd and 5 — Smith had no chance to catch that. Eagles go on 4th and 5 from the Lions' 40 but Brown can't bring it in. An EAGLES blitz? What world is this? A.J. Brown with back-to-back catches, then he dives and picks one just off the turf. Slant to A.J. and he breaks a tackle and gets to the 5. Hurts didn't seem to know what to do on that third down play. Hurts keeps it and walks in, making Mike Trout's prediction incorrect. (He had DeVonta Smith scoring the Eagles' first touchdown.) Refs pick up a DPI flag because the pass was tipped. Hurts gets away with grounding. TOUCHDOWN SANDERS! Good for him. He somehow did not score at all last year, which is wild. Lions finally go back to the run game. Miscommunication between Goff and Hockenson leads to a Bradberry pick-six! Meanwhile, the Phillies are in a rain delay.


Big play by Amon-Ra St. Brown. Williams stopped short on third down. Two minutes! Swift goes left and scores. Hurts finds Brown deep for 54, and Brown got the last 10 of them by fighting through a tackle. Eagles get stonewalled and settle for three. 24-14 at halftime.


Touchdown Gainwell. GOFF SCRAMBLE. Touchdown St. Brown and these defenses haven't been great. Lions try a surprise onside kick but the Eagles are on it. Finally a flag after Hurts gets hit late again on a slide. That's like the sixth one. Touchdown Scott. Turns out Tracy Walker was ejected after that late hit on Hurts, but for a second personal foul after the play. Eagles challenge this Hockenson catch at the end of the third quarter. This is close. Call STANDS. Swift breaks tackles and gets down to the Eagles' 1. Touchdown Lions. And Reynolds may have had another one if he makes that catch. Cox with a big sack. Gardner-Johnson gets called for interference. Touchdown Chark. 38-35 with 3:51 left. Sanders bounces off the pile and gains 26. Scott doesn't get the first down and now what do the Eagles do? They sneak it with Hurts and I think he got it. He did! That's not good enough defense. (Eagles 38, Lions 35)



Jeez. No wonder the Bears want out.


So here's what this was: The holder tried to wipe off the spot on the field where the hold was going to be on this field goal attempt. That's against the rules. Touchdown Equanimious St. Brown, at about the same time as Amon-Ra's in Detroit. It's only getting messier out there. (Bears 19, 49ers 10)

Doug vs. Carson!


Jags jump offside and that's it. Doug hugs Carson afterwards. (Commanders 28, Jaguars 22)

Hook and ladder doesn't even get hooked. Wait, what? A flag? Lattimore decked Bryan Edwards behind the play and got caught? And now the Falcons are going to try a 63-yard field goal with no time left. BLOCKED.


Seriously. They needed one yard to win the game and they lose. (Saints 27, Falcons 26)

Easy touchdown for Jefferson. Things not starting well for Aaron Rodgers. I get the feeling he's gonna have to lean on Tonyan a lot in the early going until these new kids start picking things up. Wheel route to Aaron Jones for 22. Dillon gets caught from behind at the Vikings' 2. Turnover on downs. Now the Vikings are going all the way down the field. Jefferson denies himself a touchdown. Lot of WRs missing staying inbounds today. Someone lost Jefferson in coverage and it's 17-0 Vikings at halftime.


Jordan Hicks is a Viking? He just sacked Rodgers and forced the ball out. Jones with a big run and maybe that's what the Packers will have to do. Touchdown Dillon.


But arguably a bigger issue is the back end of the Packers' defense has looked awful all game long. No idea who that hitch was intended for. Fourth down throw is broken up. (Vikings 23, Packers 7)

We head to Glendale with the Chiefs already up 14-0 and a safety kicking off. (Nantz misidentifies Justin Reid as his brother, Eric, twice.) They show Butker injuring his foot on the kickoff after the first score.


Big run by Conner, and his touchdown gets the Cardinals back in it. Mahomes has some tape on his left wrist that it sounds like wasn't there before. Not sure it's hindering him, as he's now completed 12 straight. It won't be 13. Rookie Isiah Pacheco gets stopped and what do the Chiefs do? They go for it and Mahomes finds Edwards-Helaire for a touchdown so easy he shrugs his shoulders. Reid misses and it's 20-7. Conner fumbles but somehow recovers it himself. Butker comes back in and hits a 53-yarder! Romo: "Daniel LaRusso is gonna fight!"


Touchdown Fortson and this is starting to get out of hand. 30-7 Chiefs. Now it's 37-7. This revamped WR room isn't having any issues so far. (Chiefs 44, Cardinals 21)



He's so not good. Touchdown Adams! Then Carr throws a two-point pass right into a Chargers defender's back. Carr gets sacked. Carr gets sacked by Mack AGAIN. That's Mack's third, and that's it. (Chargers 24, Raiders 19)

Giants going for two? Saquon gets there! What is this playcalling, Titans? They could use someone who can run a deep route. WIDE LEFT! Mike Vrabel stays botching end-game situations.


(Giants 21, Titans 20)

This may be the worst rendition yet. Cowboys have the USFL MVP returning the opening kickoff. Real Rod Smart vibes. Cris sounds kinda hoarse. The Amari Cooper trade was either "pay your No. 3 receiver $20 million this season or cut him" and they were lucky the Browns had a need. Cowboys moving the ball surprisingly well in the early going.


Drive stalls and the Cowboys settle for three. Chris Godwin back! Demarcus Lawrence wrecks Fournette on third down, forcing a field goal. Julio Jones? What's he got left?


Parsons gets to Brady on third down. Succop misses left. Winfield picks off Dak! Parsons with another key stop. Field goal makes it 9-3. Not a lot going on in this game. Whoa! Maybe Julio IS back. Brady throw is high and incomplete. 12-3 Bucs at halftime. PUNT HITS THE SCOREBOARD. That's a re-kick. Cris: "I want to see if he can do it again." Bruce Arians just hanging out in a coaches' box? Devin White sacks Dak. Brady finds Evans at the Cowboys' 5. That one works. That feels damaging with the nothing the Cowboys have been able to do offensively. Donovan Wilson picks off Brady! He tried to sneak it through the middle but it didn't work. Again, this Cowboys' offense has sucked out loud tonight.


Now DAK'S on the sideline getting his hand looked at and Cooper Rush is in. Five teams have never beaten Brady: the two he's played for, the Cowboys, Vikings, and Falcons, who are 0-10 against him. And the Cowboys fall to 0-7. Jerry's saying Dak needs surgery. That's bad. (Buccaneers 19, Cowboys 3)

This is going to take some getting used to. I'm still on record believing the Seahawks kept the wrong guys.


Seriously? Even we cheered McNabb when he came back. Broncos send everyone, don't get Geno, and he finds Will Dissly for the easiest touchdown he'll ever score. Russ enters on offense to mostly boos. Who's Andrew Beck? He's killing it right now. Every Broncos play but one has gone to the right so far. Field goal is good. Geno was a Charger? In 2019? No. That's not true. Broncos defense getting embarrassed so far. Geno sneaks it on 4th and short from the Broncos' 6 and I'm not sure he got there. Neither is Troy. Chains! He's short! Broncos take over unless Carroll challenges, which would not be wise. He doesn't. Punt is almost blocked. Buck and Aikman correctly hate this taunting call. The Broncos haven't thrown a pass to a wide receiver yet. WELL THAT JUST CHANGED. Touchdown Jeudy! The Seahawks strike back with a touchdown to... Colby Parkinson? OK then. Diggs drops an interception in the end zone. Flat-out drops. Aikman's wondering how and why Wilson made that throw.


Sack! 17-13 Seahawks at halftime after a McManus field goal. Broncos on the move again. Wilson's played well. Fourth and goal from the one. They give it to Gordon and... he doesn't make it! He fumbles at the end and the Seahawks take over at their own 10. Good straight-up leaping catch by Metcalf, But then he fumbles on the next play and the Broncos recover. That's the first good thing they've done all night. Wilson's been off-target a couple times on this drive, but he's saved by pass interference. Now Williams fumbles at the 3 and the Seahawks recover in the end zone!


They can't do anything and the Broncos get it back. Wilson picking apart the Seahawks' defense. Three refs discuss this Tomlinson catch and rule that he was out of bounds. Aikman: "I wonder who broke the tie." False start? Ugh. Two more passes fall incomplete and the Broncos have to kick. 6:08 left. Seahawks go three and out. That's a... generous spot. First down Broncos but Carroll challenges. Call STANDS. I get challenging it, but spot challenges fail 99.99% of the time. Seahawks blow up a screen. Incomplete pass? What? Oh, Wilson pump-faked and the ball slipped out of his hands. That wasn't on purpose. Why aren't they calling time out? They finally do with 20 seconds left. Brutal. They're trying a field goal from here? 64 yards? What? That wasn't close. That's on the coach, right?







(Seahawks 17, Broncos 16)
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