Sunday, September 25, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: New Frontiers





FULLBACK RESURGENCE? This interception by Adderley is called back for illegal contact. That really should have been offsetting penalties. Touchdown McKinnon. What's happened to Staley? The old Staley wouldn't have punted here. Oh, well, the Chiefs are pinned at their own 8. It ultimately works, as the Chiefs can't do anything with it (An ad after a punt with 11 seconds left? Really?) and the Chargers take a 10-7 lead into halftime. They got Charissa Thompson and Tony Gonzalez for this? Mike Williams with a one-handed catch in the back of the end zone.


Signal's hanging up. That could be a potential long-term issue. Touchdown Watson! Great throw from Mahomes that looked like it was a little late. Kelce gets bodyslammed at the Chargers' 2 and the ball pops up afterwards. Isn't that a penalty? Chiefs... settle for three? 17-17 after 3.


99. YARD. PICK. SIX. How many Watsons do the Chiefs have? Herbert tried to sidearm that pass when he really shouldn't have. OK, so this one is Jaylen, a seventh-round rookie. Ouch, Herbert. Dude's been getting beat up all game. DeAndre Carter with a CLUTCH grab. Fourth and goal. You gotta kick this, right? I GUESS NOT. Touchdown Carter and Al's call is less than enthusiastic. Onside kick goes to... the Chiefs. (Chiefs 27, Chargers 24)

Signal Finder: NE @ PIT, CAR @ NYG, MIA @ BAL (end), TB @ NO (end), CIN @ DAL, ARZ @ LV (end)

THE CONFLUENCE. Patriots muff the pun and it goes into the end zone, there's a scramble, and the Patriots eventually come up with it for a touchback. So let me get this straight. Matt Patricia and Joe Judge are back in New England, and they're in charge of the... offense? "Senior football advisors", they're called. Meyers eating early. This is the first Patriots-Steelers game since 1998 without Ben or Brady. And...


Fumble? The Pats pick it up and not everybody's still with it. Touchdown? This'll get reviewed. And it'll come back -- Johnson was down. Bad read by Trubisky and Jalen Mills gets an interception off a deflection. Mac throws deep for Parker and guess who picks this one off. Trubisky gets sacked on third and 8. Field goal ties it. Pats get 24 on 3rd and 26. Agholor outjumps Weatherspoon and takes the ball away from him for a touchdown! MUFFED PUNT. Did that go off his helmet? It did! Harris cashes in the turnover for a touchdown. Trubisky finds Freiermuth in the back of the end zone to start the fourth. And then... nothing happens for the rest of the game. Seriously. The Steelers ran eight more plays after this. (Patriots 17, Steelers 14)


Lattimore and Evans get thrown out of a 3-3 game. Have they been clashing their whole careers? It feels like they have. That was... a tackle.


(Buccaneers 20, Saints 10)

FUMBLE ON THE KICKOFF RETURN. Giants start at the Carolina 22... and go three and out. Grand. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Giants going for it. Jones outruns Burns but still almost stumbles and barely gets to the marker. Burns DID trip him up, but not enough. Giants forced to settle for another field goal. Panthers finally put their own drive together only for a dropped pass on 3rd and 9 to end it. At least they didn't turn it over again. Another field goal makes it 6-6 with 56 seconds left. That near-pick by Luvu is why Jones's option didn't get picked up. Then David Sills runs his way out of a first down trying to get out of bounds. The half ends. Jones is completing passes to dudes I didn't even know were in the league. Drive ends with a touchdown and we're tied again at 13. McCaffery launches for 49. FIELD GOALS. Gano barely makes a 56-yarder to put the Giants back in front. The Panthers... punt? Really? (Giants 19, Panthers 16)

Is that Bateman catch-and-run why the Ravens were OK with getting rid of Hollywood? River Carcraft? That's a name? Tyreek sets some poor Raven on fire and we're tied at 35 as Patriots-Steelers ends. Lamar beats the blitz but throws it too far for Andrews. Tucker from 51 with 2:26 left. Chase Edmonds gets free and goes for 27! Dolphins call time. The Ravens' defense has been getting shredded this entire fourth quarter, it seems. TOUCHDOWN WADDLE! Ravens are fortunate to still have two time outs. Hail Mary falls short. (Dolphins 42, Ravens 38)


Wow. Let's all point and laugh at the Browns. (Jets 31, Browns 30)

Oh no. Lance is hurt and the cart's out. All of the Garoppolo decisions — saying "Lance is the starter next year"; trying to trade him when he was injured — were odd. And now he's back on a pay cut and leading a touchdown drive. Ah, there's the Geno Smith we've all become accustomed to. (49ers 27, Seahawks 7)

Cowboys make it look easy on the opening drive with their backup quarterback. That's not a great sign for the Bengals. POLLARD. Bell is adamant that he tackled him short of the goal line. That's CLOSE. They eventually overturn the touchdown call, making it first and goal. Pollard punches it in anyway. The Bengals turned over four-fifths of their offensive line and I'm still not sure it's any better. These dudes shouldn't be getting owned by Noah Brown. This is the second week in a row they've shown Jerry's wife Gene after showing a piece of art in Jerryworld. Fumble but Mixon outfights Parsons for it. Burrow sacked again.


Collins was better as a guard. Bengals add three. And three again. They recover a fumble but can't capitalize. Cowboys can't get a stop on the next Bengals drive. Touchdown Higgins! Then the Bengals get pinned inside their own 10 after a punt. This is some terrible playcalling by the Bengals down here. You gotta go down the field! Three and out. Why not take the holding penalty? It's two more yards and an automatic first down. That didn't make sense. Now the Cowboys are running outside runs? Didn't we just go over this? Maher on for a 50-yarder. It's hooking. THAT MADE IT? Dad: "Scrape the paint off that ball." (Cowboys 20, Bengals 17)


I'm not sure this is going to work. Not the Russell Wilson thing. The other thing. (Broncos 16, Texans 9)





We arrive here just as Kyler Murray scores. Conversion is GOOD and we're going to overtime. Harmon lays out Hollywood with a game-saving hit. Renfrow fumbles but the Raiders recover. Renfrow fumbles AGAIN? Murphy's got it! OH MY GOD. TOUCHDOWN CARDINALS.


What are they looking at here? That's a clear fumble. Wait... they're checking to make sure Murphy didn't pull a DeSean? It counts! Man, I'm even more glad that Mark Davis was in Connecticut for the Aces clincher instead of here for this debacle. (Cardinals 29, Raiders 23, OT)

None of this bodes well for the Bears. But they're finding success on the ground. Fields keeps it and scores! SAMMY WATKINS LIVES? Aaron Jones breaks through for a touchdown to start the second. Good catch by Equanimious but Fields was across the line of scrimmage. Cobb with a nice grab behind him to get a first down. Touchdown Jones. Bears are suddenly out of answers. Rodgers throws a rope to Lazard for another score. 24-7 Packers at halftime. Big run by Jones. Dillon fumbles and the Bears catch a break. They got a first down! Field goal is good. Bad snap! Packers lose 13 yards on that. Oh, man, it hit the motion man. I'm actually surprised that doesn't happen more often. The Bears have something on the ground tonight but they've been down so far they haven't really been able to go to it. I'm waiting for someone to knock the ball down when a runner, especially a QB, stretches the ball past the sticks while they're going out of bounds. And Fields does it again by the end zone pylon. The ball pops loose and the Packers say they have it. Officials confer and they call it a touchdown. They review it and pretty quickly correctly reverse the call and say he's short. Fields gets stuffed on a sneak.





New Bears coach Matt Eberflus clearly didn't get the "don't challenge spots" memo, since he's challenging this. Call STANDS. Wait, was that fourth down? Well, that explains why he challenged it. Packers take over. Tirico shouts out Tom Waddle as he mentions how Chicago talk radio will be all over this tomorrow. Tirico: "And Aaron Rodgers beats the Bears. What else is new?" (Packers 27, Bears 10)

No Gabe Davis for the Bills tonight. Josh Gordon's a Titan? What? False start on a punt? Titans are an irrelevant franchise. Lots of plugs for Vikings-Eagles upcoming. Bills line up on 4th and 1. Did the Titans jump? NOPE. Bills kick a field goal. Replay shows what the officials said: that the Titans defender never entered the neutral zone. Allen to Kumerow for 39, then Diggs for 16. Split screen as the Vikings kick off. Hooker can't corral the interception. Fourth and 1 and this time the Titans DO jump — but the Bills called time out. Touchdown Diggs. Bills have a player down. Cart's starting up. Oh, that's an ambulance. Didn't see what happened, but it's defensive back Dane Jackson, and that ambulance has to be giving people in Buffalo flashbacks to Kevin Everett. First half ends with a Tannehill sack. Flashback to Pats-Bills last year when Steve Young got blown off his chair and Mac Jones won going 3-for-6 passing. Diggs with another touchdown. Bills recover a muffed punt that goes off the returner's helmet. Field goal makes it 27-7.




34-7 after Diggs' third touchdown tonight, a juggling catch. Now we got a pick-six. That's it for Josh Allen tonight.


The Titans muff ANOTHER punt. Malik Willis in at QB for the Titans, and he may not get out alive. (Kid has a massive arm but isn't ready for more than mop-up duty this year.) Now HE fumbles. This was a wrecking.
(Bills 41, Titans 7)

Vikings win the toss and defer. Eagles come out throwing. Everyone's been open so far. Even Zach Pascal. Really? Hurts keeps it himself and scores. Slay on Jefferson and he breaks up a third-down pass. Vikings go three and out. Fumbled snap but Sanders saves it. Devonta Smith gets called for a pick play, negating a third-down conversion. Aikman hates the call. Hurts gets sacked to end the drive. Reagor fields the punt and gets flattened. This commercial block's been like 10 minutes long. Is something up at the stadium? Oh, I just flat-out missed the Vikings series. That's the third illegal man downfield penalty against the Eagles tonight. Bomb to Watkins for a touchdown. Someone screwed up. Cousins dives for a first down but comes up short.



SVP doing game breaks! Vikings have woken up. None of these plays involve Jefferson. Irv Smith Jr. with an easy touchdown off a play fake. Eagles get bailed out of a rough series with an illegal contact call. The stars are OUT tonight: Dick Vermiel (who's getting his Hall of Fame ring at halftime), Bradley Cooper, James Harden, and Quinta Brunson (and they didn't show Bryce Harper.) Can't put a guy wearing 98 in coverage. Scott with a nice pickup. Hurts rolls right and keeps it. Goedert keeps blocking. Is he gonna score? He is! Irv Smith drops a touchdown. Video of Hurts in 2019 squatting 600 pounds, which Buck tells us is about the weight of "a grizzly bear or an empty vending machine." Weird drive right now — under a minute left, the Eagles got a first down on two runs, and now it's like they're trying to score again. Now they're in Vikings territory with a time out left. They got into field goal range! It's good. The Vikings seem to be shortening the routes for Cousins. Buck points out that Thielen has yet to be targeted in this game. Interception! Slay undercuts the route and gets the pick, then gives the ball to Harden.


Aikman puts it on Jefferson, saying he shouldn't have let Slay undercut the route. The Eagles' receivers have had so much space to work in tonight. Buck says Eagles radio man Merrill Reese told them at halftime that the first half was as good QB play as he's ever seen. Aikman: "He's pretty much seen them all." Field goal is BLOCKED and the Vikings return it to the Eagles' 30. Is this four-down territory? Then Maddox intercepts Cousins and I guess we'll never know. Buck and Aikman are openly mocking all the illegal man downfield calls. Now the Vikings can't catch anything. Cox forces a Cousins fumble on 3rd and 10. Travis Kelce in the stands! Gainwell can't handle the pass and Jordan Hicks comes up with the interception. Vikings with first and goal at the 9 with 7:30 left. Slay almost has another interception as Cousins threw up a duck under pressure. Then he gets the next one!


Sweat finally gets a sack that'll stand. (Eagles 24, Vikings 7)
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