Thursday, February 10, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Pass The Heat

PLAYOFFS. Welcome to Cincinnati. Tirico and Brees on the call. No player intros? Raiders get the ball first. Raiders going up-tempo early. Have they called a run yet? They would have if they hadn't false started just then. Third and short pass is broken up. Carlson hits from 47 into the wind. Mixon takes a screen to the Raiders' 10. Burrow with a laser to Uzomah for a touchdown. He does the Ickey Shuffle afterwards. 7-3 Bengals. Carr gets stripped of the ball and the Bengals recover. He's always had problems with that. Also, you can't block Trey Hendrickson with just your second-string tight end. Bengals get three more. Peyton Barber makes a terrible mistake fielding a kickoff near the sideline. He wasn't out of bounds, so the Raiders are stuck at their own 2 instead of their 40. Second quarter begins with an almost safety. Not sure how that wasn't one, really. That's a good punt. Desmond Trufant's still in the league? He's on the Raiders and wanted an OPI flag on Chase on a big play inside the 10. He wasn't going to get it — there wasn't enough there, I don't think. Burrow gets sacked on third down, forcing another field goal.


That's how you return a kickoff. BIG run by Jacobs! Mike Hilton chased him down but he got to the Bengals' 12. This time it's the Bengals defense that holds the Raiders to a field goal. Burrow's high school renamed its stadium after him. Burrow throws on the run and Tyler Boyd catches it in the back of the end zone. Was he out of bounds? Officials are talking. Oh, they were checking if Burrow was out of bounds? I thought it was clear that he wasn't. The whistle blew during that? Oh boy. Now we've got a problem. Who blew it? Why? Did they think Burrow WAS out of bounds? Anyway, the touchdown counted.


Carr shotgun run? How and why? Defensive holding adds five more yards. Thirty seconds left. Touchdown Jones! 13 seconds left and the Raiders cut it to 20-13. Bengals get the second half kickoff. We have a few things here. Tirico figures that the refs are discussing whether the Raiders got a time out in before this pass to Chase. Jerome Boger announces that they've ruled that the time out was called by a player. There are five alternate officials on the sidelines for the playoffs to try to make these discussions shorter. It's not working. Field goal is good. So both of these teams' last playoff wins were against the Oilers/Titans franchise. The Raiders go for it on 4th and 3 from the Bengals' 36 and get a DPI flag. (I suspect they might have kicked the field goal if they were at home.) They end up getting a shorter kick and making it.


Bengals are living (or stuck) in the shotgun. Drive ends with a another field goal on 4th and 1. OK, sure. Carr finds DeSean (though the camera doesn't) on 4th and 5. Carr can't find anyone this time and the Raiders end up kicking again. 26-19 with 3:20 left. Raiders call their last time out at 2:35. The Bengals throw underneath to Uzomah but he can't convert 3rd and 11, so the Raiders will get the ball back.


Carr somehow talked the officials into a bad roughing the passer call. He didn't even sell it that well! Sack! Carr finds Waller down the seam! Raiders are at the Bengals' 19 with 1:06 left. Pass to Jones just clears the sticks. Carr spikes it with 29 seconds left. Renfrow and Hilton tangle and there's no flag this time. Carr throws into coverage and it's picked off!



The 31-year drought ends. (Bengals 26, Raiders 19)

This is the first time the Bill Belichick Patriots have been the road team in a wild-card game. At least there's no snow tonight. Announcers making the point that even if you live there, you've still gotta deal with the cold. Bills get the ball first. Allen outrunning people. Isaiah McKenzie weirdly left open on the far sideline for a 7-yard gain. Allen keeps it on a sweep to the right and gets the first down. Touchdown Knox! Great catch in the back corner of the end zone.


Just noticed on replay that the defender has a club cast on his right hand. That's... not optimal for a defensive back. Pats are buried at their own 12. Like earlier, no one covers Hunter Henry on the far sideline. Jones doing his best Allen impression. Bolden drops what would have been a big catch. Hyde with a great interception! That saved a touchdown! My God.


McKenzie with a contested catch for a first down. Allen with a dart to Knox for another touchdown. It's 14-0 Bills with 40 seconds left in the first quarter. Eagle: "Buffalo is feeling like Allentown right now." Just to remind you all again: Josh Allen absolutely sucked in college. For him to be what he is now just does not happen.


Is Stefon Diggs dead? I haven't even seen him on the field, much less seen him catch a pass. Allen escapes a sack and runs for seven. Singletary gets nine and sets up first and goal. Touchdown Singletary! Extra point is BLOCKED but nothing comes of it. Jones misses Henry badly. Then he overthrows Agholor but there's an interference call. Then he gets sacked and loses 10. THERE'S Diggs! He beats J.C. Jackson for 45 yards. Allen slides near the first down marker. They give him nine. Two minute warning. Singletary takes it outside and scores untouched.


The Bills have 300 yards of offense in THIS HALF. I've never seen Belichick's Patriots get beaten down (and up) like this. Even the Falcons Super Bowl, which they eventually won, didn't feel like this. Jones finds Meyers downfield with 13 seconds left. They spike it for one more play. Bills ice Nick Folk on a 44-yarder. I'd want a touchdown here. Kick is good. 27-3 Bills at halftime.


Eagle has put on the jacket Kurt Warner wore during Raiders-Browns. "I feel like I want some Jiffy Pop." Evan Washburn says his halftime conversation with Belichick was "brief." Jones's pass gets tipped (possibly twice) and Wallace picks it off for the Bills! McKenzie makes another play. Touchdown Sanders! Jebus. That was EASY.


Patriots get called for 12 men on the field. On offense. Belichick's out of ideas.


Bourne with a badly-needed big play. Then he takes it on a pitch and gets 14 more. Meyers gets a first down. Camera switches to Skycam for no good reason. Pass to Meyers is broken up. Might as well go for it. Everyone loses Bourne and he has an easy touchdown. And apparently a sex toy has been thrown onto the field. Again. Another catch by McKenzie. Gabriel Davis spins out of a tackle and dances into the end zone. This is incredible.


Six touchdowns on six possessions. 40-10. Oh God, are they gonna give up a punt return touchdown? No, as Hyde does get tackled. Allen goes downfield to Knox, who's ruled down at the 1. BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN for the right tackle Tommy Doyle. Make it seven for seven.



(Bills 47, Patriots 17)


Barnett gets flagged for roughing the passer. Aikman hates it, and Pereira agrees that it's pretty weaksauce. Tristan Wirfs gets helped off the field. He hasn't missed a snap in two seasons. This opening drive looks a lot like the way their first meeting started — the Buccaneers' receivers have plenty of space to work in.


Nelson gets wiped out by an offensive lineman on a screen pass. Gio Bernard with a rare carry and he gets in. Hurts gets swallowed up. Siposs is struggling. Brady misses Tyler Johnson on third and 3. Hurts pass is tipped and... almost intercepted. I thought Jamel Dean had that but it did bounce before it came back up into his hands. Johnson with a good stretch to catch this ball, even though Aikman notices that he hesitated again before the ball got there. Bucs doing what they want so far. Ke'Shawn Vaughn with an easy touchdown. Now center Ryan Jensen is down. They're putting a NASCAR race in the L.A. Coliseum? (The Clash.) The Eagles' offense is still in the garage. Evans drops a touchdown. Barnett and Hargrave get to Brady on third and goal. Succop hits from 34. Finally the Eagles get a first down on an actual play, with a completion to Goedert. Hurts overthrows Goedert. Eagles go for it on 4th and 4 from midfield. Hurts finds Goedert to convert. Goedert watches one go through his hands. That may have been a touchdown. Sanders gets cut down for no gain while Smith was wide open on the other side. Fourth and 10 and the Eagles don't try a 55-yarder, and Carlton Davis breaks up the pass. Why go to Reagor there? Davis will get flagged for taunting. Wirfs is back in but Aikman notices that he's not moving optimally. Jensen's also back in without missing a series. At least the defense has arrived, as they sack Brady again. Big YAC by Goedert is canceled out by a questionable hold on Kelce. Then Watkins is called for OPI. This is disastrous. Watkins! Gets 35 on 3rd and 11. Hurts gets picked off in the end zone. Smith's man fell down but the safety Edwards came over and made the play. He just doesn't have that throw in him, and I'm not sure he ever will. RYAN KERRIGAN SACK???


17-0 Bucs at halftime. Wirfs is ruled out, and his backup is also banged up. Hurts finds Goedert for a first down. Hurts overthrows Watkins, who was open and almost stopped. Reagor muffs a punt and the Bucs recover.


Evans makes the catch inside the 5. HOW DOES NO ONE COVER GRONK IN THE RED ZONE. Touchdown Bucs and it's over. Aikman doesn't get why the Eagles aren't throwing deeper with the cushion the Bucs' defensive backs are giving them. Shaq Barrett picks off Hurts on 4th and 3.


This save on a penalty in the Spanish Super Cup final? Insane. Goalie completely mistimed it and still got it with his foot. Oh, I missed another Buccaneers touchdown. The third quarter isn't even over yet? The hell is a "snap infraction?" Why is Brady still in this game? Scott scores a sympathy touchdown. Seriously, why is Brady still in this game? The Eagles far exceeded my own expectations by having a winning record, much less getting to the playoffs. But this team isn't anywhere close to being a contender, and I'm less convinced Hurts can be The Guy now than I ever was. (Buccaneers 31, Eagles 15)

I associate 49ers-Cowboys playoff games with Fox, so this is weird to me. NANTZ BACK. Noah, Nate and Gabby back on the call for Nickelodeon, also. First play is a pass to Deebo. Travis Benjamin's still in the league?


They're using a different camera angle on the Nick broadcast. Touchdown Mitchell. SLIME ZONE.


Nick Bosa takes Dak down. Burleson: "WE call him the Bosa constrictor." God, he's perfect for this. What a hit. Cowboys blow up a play fake and the 49ers lose 11. Juszczyk catch gets the 49ers into field goal range. Spongebob's in the goalposts! Burleson: "Spongebob's looking a little suspicious about this kick." It IS a 53-yarder. It's GOOD. Spongebob approves! Cowboys try a hook and ladder but Wilson's toss to Pollard was way off target. Second quarter starts with a quick rub route to Deebo. Deebo carry comes up short on 3rd and 3. Gould hits from 40. Cowboys switch to the ground game with some better results. Touchdown Cooper. Garoppolo finds Aiyuk in space and he gets inside the Cowboys 40. Gould hits from 52 and it's 16-7. Field is hazy down there. La'El Collins gets called for holding and Bosa is down injured. No replay of any of that. Zeke gets one after all that. Is this haze the sun glare? Maybe? Oh yeah. That's DEFINITELY sun glare.


Cowboys punt. 49ers content to go into the half with the lead. Cowboys start the second half with back-to-back false starts. Nice work. Armstead takes down Dak. That's roughing the punter, and that's a first down for the Cowboys. Ward almost gets an interception as Dak overthrows his man. (Lamb?) Punt HITS THE SCOREBOARD. KICK IT AGAIN. Nantz: "A mulligan, which you're familiar with, Tony."



Someone's selling Krabby Patties on the concourse. The Niners get an interception! Throw was off target and Wilson never had a chance at it. Deebo with a BEAUTIFUL cut back and he'll score! Cowboys punt on 4th and 2 down 16. Sure. Garoppolo overthrows a wide-open Aiyuk. Cowboys can't sustain anything offensively. They punt on 4th and 5 from their own — FAKE PUNT! First down! And of course they follow it up with a delay of game.


The Ian Armitage (Young Sheldon) rules explanations are also on point. A field goal? Really, Cowboys? Zeurlein hits from 51. Meh. (I was hoping he'd miss just to see how Spongebob would react.) Tracy reports that the Cowboys players on the sideline were talking about needing a turnover. TWO PLAYS LATER, Anthony Brown gets a pick! That's a terrible throw by Garoppolo. Fred Warner's down and holding his leg. That's potentially bad news for the Niners. Prescott keeps it and scores easily. No containment at all. Low ball to Kittle, who picks it and heads up field, but gets gang-tackled and loses it! Wait, Romo thinks this might be incomplete. Yeah, that bounced before Kittle caught it. Third and 12 and Garoppolo can't connect with Samuel. Oh, look, another flag. Illegal use of hands on the Cowboys and that's a first down. We're watching a team kill itself on live television. It would be kind of amazing if it didn't happen to them every single time.


Samuel takes the carry and gets to the line. 49ers defenders are waving goodbye on the sideline. That's hilarious. They measure it and it's a first down. Now they're reviewing it. This is excruciating. I actually think Romo's right about the spot here, though. This took more than five minutes. They're re-spotting it. That's about six inches short. Romo cites the "Tom Brady School of Quarterback Sneaks." 49ers call time out. It works — but the 49ers false started! Good God. Does anybody want this game to end? Now they gotta punt.


Touchback. 32 seconds left. Dak to Lamb for 15 and he limps out of bounds before coming back in. Schultz for 10. 10 more. 14 seconds left. Dak SCRAMBLE? WHAT? And he slides in the middle of the field! What the hell was that? Nantz: "Whoa, I don't think this is gonna work out!"


They're not gonna make it. Dak spikes it but the clock's run out!


The rule is that an official has to touch the ball before it's spotted. Jesus H. "The game is over."


Seriously, a fucking quarterback draw? If there's a bigger fraud in coaching than Mike McCarthy, I want to know who it is.










(49ers 23, Cowboys 17)

Tomlin: "Don't blink." Juju back! About four three and outs to start this game. Hardman with a big punt return. Interception Steelers! T.J. Watt got his hands on it and deflected it to Devin Bush. How many of those have ended up as interceptions for Mahomes this year?


Direct snap to Hardman, who hands it off to Williams, but he drops it! T.J. Watt picks it up and scores! The hell is going on?


Chiefs' offense suddenly springs to life. Kelce making moves. Mahomes flips to McKinnon and he scores. Mahomes hits Kelce on a crossing route and he picks up 31. McKinnon gets into the secondary. No Edwards-Helaire tonight, as I'm sure you've figured out by now. Touchdown Pringle. With the state of the Steelers' offense, that might be enough. Steelers can't do anything and the Chiefs get the ball back with a real shot at a two-for-one. Mahomes to DeMarcus Robinson for 30 and they're in field goal range with 35 seconds left. Sack! Then an incompletion. Mahomes finds Kelce deep down the sideline and he'll score easily. Jesus. That's just not fair. That's the one. Chiefs get the second half kickoff and they're still firing on all cylinders. McKinnon turns a screen on 3rd and 12 into first and goal. Hill flings it to Hill, who was in motion, and he dives over a Steelers player into the end zone. Wait, did they overturn that? Really? BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN.


Chiefs get their two-for-one and that's 28 in a row. We're done here. Harris fumbles and the Chiefs have it. Touchdown Hill. Yes, it happened that fast. How'd he get pom-poms? Why is Kalen Ballage getting carries? He's the worst running back in the league. Touchdown Johnson, like it matters. Nice catch by Pringle on the sideline. Hardman breaks a tackle but gets tripped up from behind. Feels like that only delayed the inevitable. Aaaand it did. Kelce's THROWING touchdown passes now.



shrug (Chiefs 42, Steelers 21)

Was there a Manningcast for these teams' MNF meeting? Let me go look. There was not. OK. Cardinals get the ball first. Nothing of note happens. Michel breaks a big run on the Rams' first drive. But that's all that amounts to. Larry Fitzgerald joins the guys and immediately demonstrates that he could go onto any studio show if he wants. Beckham makes a catch in the middle of the field. CAM AKERS. How is he playing? Unbelievable. His run gets called back by offensive holding but still. HIGBEE. JJ Watt's back, too. Beckham goes up and gets it for a touchdown. Cardinals run a double pass but there's a flag, and one of those was probably illegal. Fitzgerald still clearly rooting for the Cardinals. This isn't a fumble. Rams stay on the move. I'm sure someone was supposed to cover Beckham there but I'm not sure who. Hey, it's the Rock! Touchdown Michel after Eli and Rock both predict a slant. Was he down? Refs decide he was. Sneak doesn't work. They sneak it again? That one may have worked. NO. Overhead angle shows Stafford did get in. There's the challenge flag. Call REVERSED. Touchdown! Rock gives Eli the nickname "Human Carbon Monoxide", because "he's a silent killer." Aaron Donald blows up the spot. Akers drops a ball on the sideline that would have been a big play. Rams down this punt at the Cardinals' 2. A.J. Green takes a shot on the sideline. Refs are discussing if it's a catch or not. That ball came out before he went down. They called it a catch? McVay CHALLENGES. He wins! He shouldn't have had to do that. Murray gets trapped in the end zone, throws it up, and it's picked! Touchdown!


Rock takes a swig. Rondale Moore saves this when he takes it away from the defender. Pass is tipped twice and intercepted! Rock's written this game off.


21-0 at halftime.


Stafford gets plastered on a deep ball that falls incomplete, but the refs throw the flag for defensive holding downfield. Now the Rams pull out a wide receiver pass! OBJ to Akers for 40! Replay shows the wrong play. Griese says he saw them run that in practice and it didn't go nearly as well. There's Kupp. And there's Kupp for a touchdown. That ball came in on a dive and he did a good job controlling it. Murray scrambles for a first down on 4th and 4. Now we got a scuffle. D.J. Humphries took a swing at Aaron Donald? But Donald knocked Humphries' head off, I guess, so he gets flagged. Conner takes a blast at the 1 but spins into the end zone. Two-point try is good. Oh man, Budda Baker's still down. Fourth quarter starts with a Matt Gay 45-yarder. Cards answer with a melancholy field goal. Having Russell Wilson here suddenly seems frivolous. Lisa reports that Baker's alert and never lost feeling in his extremities. That's good. There'll be no Scorigami tonight, I'm sorry to say. (Rams 34, Cardinals 11)

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