Saturday, January 29, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Tough Actin'


Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, LAR @ BAL (end), HOU @ SF, AZ @ DAL

Sims makes a twisting catch in mid-air for a first down. Washington finding all the open spaces so far. After the first commercial there's a mini-John Madden video package, and then they change the Fox logo in the top right corner to a picture of Madden. Jaret Patterson takes a sweep left and goes in untouched. That was too easy.


Boston Scott starts for Miles Sanders. Hurts to Smith for 30! Eagles go for it on 4th and 2. They give it to Howard out of the shotgun and he doesn't get it. I would not have gone for it there.


Heinecke under pressure and throws up a duck that Seals-Jones manages to pull down. That's more pressure than the Eagles got on the first series, so that's something. He scrambles away, gets caught, and throws up an even worse floater that Genard Avery intercepts, but he gets called for illegal contact. Washington challenges this fumble that they recovered but lost four yards on. It looks like the runner was down. Field goal makes it 10-0. Recap of last year's now-infamous season finale. Nice catch-and-run by Scott. Hurts throws on the run and finds Goedert inside the 10. Hurts misses Smith in the end zone on third down. Kick it. What are you doing? I like this decision less than the last one. Handoff to Scott, who scores easily. Wait, Smallwood? WENDELL Smallwood? He's still in the league? Has Heinecke thrown an incompletion yet? No, but the Eagles finally got to him for a sack. Heinecke rolls right and fires to the end zone, but the pass is broken up and Seals-Jones mows down a cameraman. Seals-Jones is eventually carted off. 39-yarder by Slye is good. 13-7. Hurts takes off for 22. He spins out of a sack but eventually gets caught. Punt is downed at the 5. Camera man's back out with a bandage on his nose. Not sure why the Eagles aren't using their time outs. Smallwood gets hit so hard the "38" on his helmet gets knocked off. For that matter, I'm not sure why Washington isn't using their time outs. Oh, they have. Somehow there's only 25 seconds left. The Eagles try to ice Slye, but it doesn't work (because it NEVER works) and he hits from 55. 16-7 Washington at halftime. Eagles get the second half kickoff. Hurts finds Scott on an out-and-up route and he crosses midfield. Goedert makes a leaping catch on 3rd and 4 and then tumbles over a stretching table on the sideline. Hurts running all over the place on third down and he eventually finds Ward at the 4! Eagles don't get in after three runs. They go for it again (ugh). Hurts trips but pitches it to Scott, who takes it outside and dives into the end zone! Come on, man. That had no business working. Schlereth's wearing his All-Madden jacket. Josh Sweat with another sack. Two straight incompletions downfield, then Hurts has to throw it away on third down. Big scramble by Heinecke. Avery sacks him back at the 15. Wait, how far up were they before? Fourth and 25? Not a great punt. Goedert might have scored if he hadn't landed on his back after that catch. Lane false starts for the second time today. The Eagles' offensive line hasn't been great. Watkins gets 10 back, and Elliott just sneaks it inside the right upright from 42. Eagles lead!


That's... not a great interference call on Maddox. Eagles blow this screen all the way up. Washington goes for it on 4th and 5. from the Eagles 49. Incomplete! Eagles ball with 7:30 left. Time for the four-minute offense to last six minutes. Okay, so it lasted five. That would have been a tough catch for Reagor to make even if he wasn't covered so tightly. Elliott makes it 20-16 with 2:25 left. Two passes get knocked down at the line. Heinecke finds Bates, who rumbles over a defender and lands right at the sticks. Sims with another circus catch but he's out of bounds. Patterson with another first down at the Eagles' 20. Washington calls its last time out with 30 seconds left. Pass into the end zone is off target... and intercepted by McLeod! This'll be reviewed. Goldsmith: "This should be a good angle. [Bates's helmet is completely blocking the play in the end zone] Or not." Call STANDS. That's it. That was close, because they're not beating the Cowboys next week.




(Eagles 20, Washington 16)

On the second Clark interception (yes, second; he returned his first one for a touchdown), Beckham appeared to punch him in the ass afterwards. Rams running out of time. Touchdown Beckham? Touchdown Beckham! Rams lead! Von Miller buries Huntley. Ravens running out of time. They spike it with three seconds left. Pitchy pitchy woo woo gets detonated. The Ravens are suddenly in panic mode. (Rams 20, Ravens 19)

This Week It Sucks To Be:


Down two touchdowns to the Jets? I'd walk off, too. This would solve so many problems. TOUCHDOWN CYRIL GRAYSON! Fifteen seconds left! Le'Veon Bell takes in the two-point conversion. Recap of... all of this. The Jets ran a sneak on 4th and 2 with the lead? Jesus. Brady out here autographing footballs afterwards. That was the first time they'd beaten the Jets in the Swamp? (Buccaneers 28, Jets 24)




So can I add "utterly delusional" to my Joe Judge criticism from last week? Yes? Good. Thank you. (Bears 29, Giants 3)

So... the Bengals had fourth and goal from the six-inch line and they lined up in shotgun and threw a pass? OFFSETTING PENALTIES. Now they're gonna do it again? Just run it! This is why I don't trust the Bengals — I don't think Zac Taylor can coach. Now this one's incomplete but there's a flag. It's on the Chiefs. Burrow's grabbing his knee? Now what? Brandon Allen comes in and just takes a knee, which I also don't get. RUN THE BALL, YOU IDIOTS. Allen spikes it with two seconds left. Field goal is GOOD!


The Bengals get their biggest win in at least a decade and are division champions. My God, that was all so unnecessary. (Bengals 34, Chiefs 31) All that and the Dolphins crap the bed anyway. (Titans 34, Dolphins 3)

49ers run a sweep with Kittle. Sure, fine, good. Trey Lance (starting for an injured Garoppolo) keeps it and runs wide to the left but the safety flies over and stops him short on 3rd and 2. Texans go three and out for the third straight series after the 49ers drop an interception. Hey, a scoreless first quarter. Splendid. Lance throws a pick on an underthrown ball. Touchdown Brandin Cooks. Not sure you should have a linebacker covering him, even one as good as Fred Warner. Delay of game on the defense? That's a new one. Oh, I see. Grugier-Hill punched the ball out of Samuel's hands because he didn't think he was down. Aiyuk gets out of bounds after a 27-yard catch and run. Deep ball for Aiyuk is a little too long. Seven seconds left. I might just kick the field goal now. The 49ers don't, and Aiyuk makes a great sideline catch. Archuleta and I thought it was going to be intercepted (the ball went off Terrence Mitchell's hands). Gould puts the 49ers on the board to end the half. Aiyuk making MOVES. A deep shot on 4th and 1 following two quarterback runs when you're already in field goal range? Really, Kyle? This is why you have a losing record as a head coach despite a Super Bowl trip. Then Mills throws an interception. WHEEL ROUTE to Mitchell for an easy touchdown. Graphics pulls up Archuleta's Madden screen as a rookie. Gumbel: "That may be the best photo of you yet." (There's no photo.) Cooks with a great catch in double coverage but it's coming back because of holding. Josh Norman gets called for DPI and that's not a great call either. Fairbarn MISSES. Lance goes long for Deebo. Touchdown! Texans go nowhere and turn it over on downs after another Gould field goal. Very helpful! (49ers 23, Texans 7)

Murray's still never lost in this stadium IN HIS LIFE. Buck rightfully says that Madden "gave FOX instant credibility" when they got the NFC package back in 1994. Greg Dortsch? Who? Edmonds follows it up with a 14-yard run and the Cardinals are across midfield. Murray to A.J. Green to the 3! He had to slow up or it would have been a touchdown. Cardinals false start. Buck notes how heavily penalized the Cardinals have been during this slide. It ends up costing them four points. Zeurlein MISSES from 43. Murray with a brilliant escape job and lob to Edmonds for 18, getting them out of their own end. FOX lists the quarterbacks the Cowboys have faced during their four-game winning streak, but it's five guys from THREE teams. Fake punt pass on 4th and 2! It's incomplete, but there's a penalty. Are they still fighting over the ball? It's DPI, which applies to all players on punt plays except for the gunners, which these two were not. Oh, did he CATCH that? Oh my God it's pinned to the defender's helmet and then to his BACK. Wow! First down Cardinals. There's another DPI, this one on Donovan Wilson, who had Ertz's arm hooked. Another red zone penalty on the Cardinals. Murray throws a touchdown to Wesley on the run. That was a 91-yard drive. Elliott with a big run that gets called back for holding. Tribute to Dan Reeves, who died yesterday. I never knew he threw a touchdown pass in the Ice Bowl. Tipped interception is called back because of DPI on the Cardinals. Lot of passes getting batted down at the line now. Byron Murphy's looking at his hands like he should have intercepted that one. Budda Baker jumps offsides. Aikman wonders whether Cooper could have done a better job of selling the contact downfield. Touchdown Gallup, who's down afterwards and holding his knee. Murray just misses Green deep down the sideline, which has Aikman baffled. Handoff to Edmonds gets a first down. Prater hits from 53 to end the half. 13-7 Cardinals. That's a ridiculous catch by Wesley for another touchdown. Pretty sure nobody has him in fantasy.


Cardinals go for two but it's incomplete as Murray gets chased backwards and throws it away. 19-7. Murray throws one up under pressure and it ends up in double coverage, but Kearse can't bring in the interception. Field goal makes it 22-7. Murray gets sacked back at his own 10. That's not a bad punt but it's not the one the Cardinals needed. Dak fumbles the snap but saves it. Then he scrambles 12 yards to the Cardinals' 10. Touchdown Wilson. Cowboys get the ball back and Dak hits Lamb for a big gain. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Then the Cowboys commit a face mask penalty because they can't get out of their own way when it matters. Cardinals tack on another field goal. WIDE RECEIVER PASS. Wilson throws it to Pollard for 40. Dak finds Cooper in the back of the end zone. Cowboys go for two and get it with Wilson. 4:42 left. Cardinals smartly staying inbounds. Edmonds goes left and he goes down inbounds. Ball comes out. Was he down? Oh my God, the Cowboys can't challenge! They're out of time outs! And they'd JUST called their last one.


Cardinals get a win they needed very badly. (Cardinals 25, Cowboys 22)

FROZEN TUNDRA. Eleven degrees at kickoff. SNF producer Fred Guadelli and director Drew Esocoff narrate the opening, which is another Madden tribute. Sean Mannion is the Vikings' quarterback tonight, but the Packers will get the ball first. (Both Kirk Cousins and his backup, Kellen Mond, are on the COVID list. Neither is vaccinated.) Rodgers drops one into the basket for Adams. Maybe run the ball at least once? Field goal is good and a win for the Vikings' defense. Replay of the field goal, which featured a shaky hold and good awareness by Crosby to slow up until the ball was set. Vikings' first play is a pass and it's complete. Packers challenge this, which is a bad idea whether they win it or not. They win it and get, what, six yards back? Pointless, really. One of the officials is having an issue. It's the umpire, and he goes into the blue tent. Rollout pass to the fullback on 4th and 3 in the first quarter? Really, Vikings? You need to lose. Big run by Jones for a first down. Packers line up on 4th and 3. They go to Adams in the end zone but it's incomplete. McKenzie Adams signaling for a flag when 1) it wouldn't make a difference — the Packers would just kick the field goal then; and 2) if there was interference, it was on him. Jones with another big run. Patrick Peterson gets away with interference on Adams, forcing a field goal. 6-0 Packers but it should be much more. Rashan Gary sacks Mannion.


We go to break with a serving of cheese curds. Adams JUST passed Don Hutson for fourth place on the Packers' receiving yards list. Don Hutson played in the 30's. Lazard wins a jump ball for a touchdown! Preston Smith gets a sack to end this Vikings drive. No one on Adams and he scores. Mannion keeps it and gets a first down. Don't dive headfirst! You're already the third-string quarterback! Vikings get a field goal to end the half. Collinsworth begging the Vikings to try to get the ball to Jefferson. Packers get a good punt return along with a hit out of bounds. FINALLY a Vikings player gets called for DPI. It's Eric Kendricks, who was covering Adams for some reason. Why is Florence + The Machine's "Ship to Wreck" playing over this Cousins streak graphic?



Fourth and 3 pass falls harmlessly to the turf. That deflected pass to Bradberry — the center — is the most exciting play the Vikings have had tonight. Mannion finds Osborn for a touchdown.


This needs to be Rodgers' last drive of the season. Touchdown Dillon. There's still eight minutes left? It's weird that the Eagles are now in but the 49ers aren't, even though they have the same record.


I'm legitimately surprised they haven't released the Week 18 schedule, since Browns-Steelers tomorrow night isn't that impactful anymore with the Browns being eliminated today. Another schedule tease? Cowboys-Eagles to Saturday night, after Chiefs-Broncos (why?) and Chargers-Raiders next Sunday night in an "in or out" game. (Packers 37, Vikings 10)

So all the Browns have left is to ruin Ben's last home game. And this is Ben's last home game. We knew that when he took a pay cut to come back this season. Imagine if the Browns had taken him instead. A wide-open Austin Hooper drops a pass off his fingers. We're seeing why one of these teams is eliminated and why the other one might as well be. Derek Watt out here getting carries. Steelers go for a 4th and 5 instead of a 54-yard field goal at the wrong end of the stadium, but the pass is knocked down and almost intercepted by... Malik McDowell? He's still in the league?


Goodell's on with the Mannings and his mic's cracking. One of Claypool's yellow shoes comes off as a penalty flag flies. It's against the Browns. Quick slant to Johnson finds paydirt. That was sick. Clowney strips Ben of the ball but he falls on it. Mayfield misses an open receive and ends up throwing an interception. Freiermuth spins away and gets inside the 20. McCloud goes up and takes a hit at the 4. Grant Delpit down after colliding with a teammate. Three straight passes inside the 5? What is this offense? Field goal is good. Riddick doesn't understand why the Browns aren't running the ball. Neither do I. Mayfield finds Landry for a first down, ending a streak of 10 straight incompletions


Now he's got three in a row. And T.J. Watt kills the momentum with a sack on third and 2. Why are the Browns throwing on 3rd and 2? Roethlisberger ends the half with a bad throw into traffic that gets intercepted. 10-0 Steelers. Stefanski's play calling is reminding me of how bad Doug Pederson was last year.


Najee Harris breaks one, and stiff arms MJ Stewart in the process. That run put him past Franco Harris for most rushing yards by a Steelers rookie (though Franco did it in 14 games.) Ben misfires horribly on a throw that may have been intended for McCloud? There's no way to be sure. Field goal is good. Snoop Dogg asks Peyton how it felt watching Eli beat the undefeated Patriots. Peyton says it was great, especially coming off of winning his own the year before. Mayfield finds Peoples-Jones over the middle and he gets 39. They gave it to Chubb! Njoku with a great catch in the air for a touchdown. It's 13-7! They pick up a face mask flag on Clowney. I'm not quite sure what he even grabbed. Browns burying themselves with penalties — now it's 1st and 20. That's a bad punt. Looks like Colquitt caught his plant foot in the grass, actually. Levy tells a story about how Chuck Noll offered Madden a job as his defensive coordinator a month before the Raiders offered him their head job. Harris has rushed for more yards than Ben has thrown for. Boswell hits a 50-yarder to make it 16-7. McCloud returns another short punt to the Browns' 35. Mayfield gets sacked by Highsmith with 3:26 left. That should do it.


The Mannings ask Aaron Rodgers about Jeopardy and he talks about how much he studied and prepared for it. Hmmm. Meanwhile the Steelers are beating Mayfield into the turf. Ben's only played two games at Heinz Field where the Steelers had already been eliminated from playoff contention. Touchdown Browns with 1:10 left? OK then. Onside kick fails. The Browns still have all of their time outs. And now they don't. Touchdown Harris! (Bad beat?)


Mayfield gets picked off again and that's gonna give Ben one more snap. Eli talks about how he and Ben came in in the same draft and salutes his career. Peyton: "This is a (victory) lap. We're gonna be here until 2 a.m." (Steelers 26, Browns 14)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
 1. Green Bay (13-3) — It's satisfying to achieve a goal at your rival's expense
2. Kansas City (11-5) — Felt like a bad matchup
3. L.A. Rams (12-4) — Stafford heroics you don't expect
4. Tampa Bay (12-4) — Cutting it CLOSE

BOTTOM 4:
 29. N.Y. Jets (4-12) — Shot themselves in the foot
30. N.Y. Giants (4-12) — Didn't even show up
31. Detroit (2-13-1) — Of course Rashaad Penny decides to stop sucking against them
32. Jacksonville (2-14) — Got hit with a 50-spot, a reminder that things can always get worse

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