Friday, January 7, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Based Dozens

No Mike McCarthy tonight, as he's tested positive. That's an automatic upgrade. Dan Quinn will run things tonight. Taysom Hill will start at quarterback for the Saints, and they at least get Mark Ingram back to help him.


Both teams' opening drives end with poor throws. Taysom's 4-for-4? Well, not any more. Humphrey with a 25-yard catch while going backwards. Saints gonna try a 56-yarder? It's wide. Now nobody can complete a pass. Taysom's right hand is being looked at in the medical tent. Cooper with a big catch over the middle for 41. Lamb makes moves (Malcolm Jenkins had NO chance) and takes a screen to the 1. Fade? That's a great catch by Gallup for a touchdown.


Juwan Johnson makes a diving catch and his neck gets stretched out pretty severely. Hill scrambles on 3rd and 8. Humphrey is left open and he scores. Zuerlein hits a 55-yarder. Diggs drops an interception. Kearse DOESN'T drop that one. Dak finds Lamb with a tight throw over the middle. Holding call pushes the Cowboys back. Prescott dumps one off to Zeke with four seconds left, and they add a field goal to lead 13-7 at halftime. The Saints honored the late Sam Mills at halftime. That linebacker group he was part of was monstrous. Wait, what? What's this call? A blindside block? Where?


Pollard goes down the near sideline for a 58-yard touchdown! Defensive end gets taken out by a wide receiver behind the line of scrimmage. Marcus Williams misplays the whole thing. Hill's taken over as the Saints' offense now. Parsons blasts through and sacks Hill for a loss of 13, ending this drive. The Saints just don't have the personnel to sustain any kind of offense. Payton is STILL furious about that blocking penalty earlier. Prescott throws late and Lattimore steps in front of Lamb and picks him off. Hill loses the ball but it's ruled an incomplete pass. Saints go for it on 4th and 8 and Hill gets it to Harris for 12. The next pass gets tipped and intercepted! The Cowboys do nothing and punt. Then Diggs picks off Hill AGAIN. What in God's name is this? ANOTHER interception. BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN. The Saints' last three drives have ended in interceptions. As I type that, Deonte Harris takes a wheel route 70 yards to paydirt. Onside kick goes as expected. Does either of these teams feel better after tonight? (Cowboys 27, Saints 17)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NYJ, MIN @ DET (end), LAC @ CIN (end), WSH @ LV, PIT @ BAL, SF @ SEA (end)


Well, this is fucked. Jets start with an 81-yard kickoff return. Tevin Coleman sighting. Jets run a play fake and Wilson finds Elijah Moore for a touchdown. That happened so quickly the safeties almost didn't have time to react. Extra point is MISSED by the new kicker. Here's Minshew. That's already more targets than Goedert had last week. There's another one. Minshew lofts one to Goedert for a 36-yard touchdown!




Coleman bounces off Harris and gets four more yards on a 16-yard run. Jamison Crowder takes a screen to the 1. Wilson sneak doesn't get through. They try it again and this time he makes it after a delayed call. THIS extra point misses. Wondering if Minshew starting really did throw off the Jets. C.J. Mosely's been everywhere so far. Goedert goes down the sideline and Minshew finds him for another touchdown! He's 8-for-8 so far. Try covering Moore, guys. Wilson to Crowder for 20 and the Eagles can't cover anyone on the back end today. Announcers wonder if the Jets might not consider this four-down territory at the Eagles' 2. An open Moore drops a touchdown. Jets going for it. A wide-open Ryan Griffin makes the catch for a touchdown. Jets going for two. Pass is broken up for once. The kickoff bounces at the 1 and Reagor gets tackled at the 5.


Smith with his first catch. Gainwell breaks through a hole and scores! 21-18 Eagles with 4:30 left. Finally, a stop as Sweat sacks Wilson on third down. Reagor misplays the punt but recovers and actually gets a nice return out of it. Medieval Times B-roll? (The one in Lyndhurst, obviously.) Penalty on Dickerson sets the Eagles back. That's Minshew's first incompletion. Watkins is wide open and gets 22 on 3rd and 19! This drive hasn't had the best play calling, but they'll get three points out of it. 24-18 Eagles at halftime and they'll get the second half kickoff. Boston Scott makes his first appearance returning said kickoff but he can't get to the 20. Andrew Catalon has to correct James Lofton that Nate Herbig's in his third season, not a rookie. Minshew throws on the run and finds Watkins to pick up 3rd and 9. He throws short off his back foot and it's short to Goedert, but it creates an interference penalty. Robert Saleh disagrees. Lofton's not a huge fan of the call, either. Someone's shoe comes off on this Sanders run. It's Quinnen Williams's, and now he's headed off the field. Minshew runs out of time and is chased out of bounds for a loss. An almost nine-minute drive ends in a field goal. Eagles miss two interceptions on that Jets drive. Eagles line up to go for it on 4th and 3 and the Jets jump! Saleh's on the field, but the gambit actually worked for once. Eagles try a double flea-flicker (a triple reverse?) but it gets utterly blown up. They were lucky to not get called for intentional grounding. Smith is hit and short of a first down. They go for it again. Not a great sneak by Minshew. Lofton says there's gonna be chips in the balls in the next 10 years. I don't know about that. I mean, they could easily have done it five years ago. It's spotted short! Eagles challenge, as it looks like Minshew got it. Call REVERSED. First down Eagles. Steratore points out that we actually had a great, clear view of it. They don't even re-measure it. The Jets had the ball for 70 seconds in the third quarter. Wilson with another off-target throw and that one's intercepted. Sanders with a big run. Sanders goes down after a short catch. He's helped to his feet but walks to the sideline on his own. Elliott makes it 33-18. 12-0 all time! It's not a huge sample size, but it's not nothing, either. (Eagles 33, Jets 18)

Herbert's launching rockets out here. PHILLY SPECIAL. This game was moved off the FOX (?) regional block. It's 24-0 Chargers and... yeah. Touchdown Higgins to at least salvage this first half.


Mixon powers through for a touchdown. No need to go for two yet, but the Bengals do and don't convert. 24-22 with 3:25 left in the third. What level Chargering would this be? At least a 3, right PROTECT the FOOTBALL. That's a scoop and score for the Chargers. And Mixon's not a fumbler. That was wild. I guess that's off the table. (Chargers 41, Bengals 22)


Including one of the worst two-point conversion attempts you'll ever see. TOUCHDOWN VIKINGS. God, the poor Lions. Goff throws incomplete and it's 4th and 2. TOUCHDOWN!! AMON-RA ST. BROWN!!! LIONS WIN!!!! What was that defense on the last play, Vikings? That's how coaches get fired.




crosses off Vikings On the other side, this has been the best eight days for football in Michigan in a long time.


(Lions 29, Vikings 27)

Burkhardt praises the Raiders' stadium, saying it's "right on the Strip." It's nowhere near the Strip. It's on the other side of I-15. Ball comes out but replays show Drake's knee was down. Drake, however, is still down. FOX freezes the play at the moment where his knee touches the ground while going to commercial. Drake is carted off but offers a thumbs up. Does UberEats have a separate deal with the Buccaneers or something? Carr overthrows Edwards and William Jackson had a better shot at that pass. Carlson hits from 50 with nine seconds left. 7-3 Washington at halftime. Raiders drop a potential interception, then have another one go through a player's hands. Raiders put Mariota in the slot and throw to Moreau for a nice pickup. Field goal makes it 7-6. Heinecke takes off on a scramble and sets up first and goal. Heinecke finds Gibson on the far side and he gets to the end zone. Carr gets shoved down, drawing a flag. Pass for Renfrow is too high but there's another flag. That's on Washington. Jacobs takes it in. Do the Raiders go for two with 10:57 left? Looks like they are. Pass is too high for Edwards. Heinecke throws a floater that gets intercepted by Hobbs after Abrams mishandles it. Burkhardt called it before it was actually caught. Replay shows Maxx Crosby got a piece of Heinecke's arm. Tough run by Jacobs. Olsen: "I was always a 'feet on the ground' guy." Carlson puts the Raiders in front with 2:22 left. Washington goes for it instead of trying a 49-yarder on 4th and 1 with 42 seconds left. They try what the Eagles tried but they're not playing the Jets, so it doesn't work. It BARELY gets through. Still time left for the Raiders. Carr uncorks a BOMB. Broken up! Wow.


(Washington 17, Raiders 15)

Meanwhile, the Seahawks have signed Adrian Peterson and run a fake punt THAT WENT FOR A TOUCHDOWN. They don't know they're done. Did someone fall down? Because that pass went RIGHT to Diggs. Touchdown Lockett! Seahawks are back in the lead. Great throw from Wilson. Shovel pass to Everett, who FUMBLES! 49ers ball at their own 2!


Garoppolo looks for Kittle again (as he should) and finds him. Pass to Aiyuk creates first and goal, and the 49ers finally call time out. Four seconds left. Pass is KNOCKED DOWN. Wow. Doesn't that pass have to go to Kittle no matter what? Also, they really missed Deebo down there at the end. (Seahawks 30, 49ers 23)

Ravens get a massive break when delay of game is called right before a terrible snap. The snap hit the fullback Ricard? How does that even happen? Latavius Murray lives! Hey, Minkah Fitzpatrick's back, and he just intercepted Lamar in the end zone. Andrews with a rare drop. This game has turned into a rock fight, and it's been a while since we've had one in Ravens-Steelers. Andrews fights hard and gets to the marker on a 3rd and 9 pass play that looked like it was stopped. Lamar finds Andrews down the seam and he gets inside the 5. Freeman finishes off a 99-yard, 10-plus-minute touchdown drive. Clark hits Diontae Johnson out of bounds and no flag is thrown. Freiermuth bowls over a Ravens player. That's Brandon Stevens, who's still down. Johnson has a touchdown pass go off his fingertips. Steelers end up kicking a field goal. Lamar doesn't see Andrews on third down and throws an incompletion. Flags fly on the field goal attempt. It's against the Ravens. Not that it matters. 10-3 Ravens. Touchdown Johnson! That's a blown coverage. Extra point is NO GOOD. Tucker adds three more. Lamar appears to roll his ankle stepping on the downs marker out of bounds. Washington ends up playing defense on a long, overthrown pass. Boswell hits to make it 13-12 with 7:18 left. Lamar looks like he's coming back in. That went well. (It did not.) Queen picks off Roethlisberger but there's a penalty. It's pass interference. How does a safety get called for offsides? Two minutes! Touchdown Johnson! Steelers go for two and Ben finds Freiermuth. The KICKOFF GOES OUT OF BOUNDS. Ravens ball at their own 40. Good Lord. They catch a break when Lamar gets sacked when his fumble goes out of bounds. Hollywood! Ravens use their last time out after Lamar finds Duvernay at the Steelers' 24. Touchdown Watkins! Ravens are going for two and the win. It's probably the right call, and yet I don't believe they'd do this against anybody else. And the reason I say that is because a loss here probably ends the Steelers, and the Ravens love nothing more than ending the Steelers.



There's also that. Lamar throws to Andrews with Watt in his face, but the throw is wide! That's the play they wanted. It just didn't work. (Steelers 20, Ravens 19)

FLEXING. The Chiefs have won their last 11 against the Broncos.


Chiefs are smart to concentrate on getting short chunks and not trying to go deep on this defense. There's one that's incomplete, but there's an interference flag. Mahomes scrambles for a touchdown. No way that was the plan. Edwards-Helaire putting in work on this next drive. He's a guy they need to get going. Butker from 56 makes it 10-0. Broncos start with a long ball to Jeudy. Bridgewater gets called for intentional grounding. Second and 30. OK. Field goal puts the Broncos on the board. Williams, getting all the work tonight with Melvin Gordon injured, breaks a tackle and picks up some more yards. Broncos now on their 16th play of this drive. Now we're up to 20 and it's fourth down. They give it to Williams and he doesn't get it! 50 comes unblocked and stops him cold. Chiefs take over and... do nothing? Strange.


Bridgewater throws a screen that damn near gets picked off. Don't get that, either. Another tipped interception from the Chiefs. Mahomes finds Darrell Williams down the sideline and he cuts back inside for 15 more yards. Field goal is good. Juan Thornhill intercepts Bridgewater! Hitchens throws a blatantly illegal block with an official right there. Don't be stupid, dude. Three Broncos run into each other on the punt and Pringle falls on it for the Chiefs! We've got a discussion. No flag, Chiefs ball. They settle for a field goal and the crowd boos. Chiefs get pressure on Bridgewater and he throws another interception, this one to Sorensen. Someone (Bridgewater) bounces off him and he's gonna score! Replay shows the pass was tipped at the line. Extra point misses but it may not matter. Williams catches a swing pass on 4th and 7 and the Chiefs... let him score? I mean, he just walked in with three guys near him. I'm not sure that was on purpose? Reid improves to 20-3 after the bye week. And the Chiefs have won five in a row. Don't look now. (Chiefs 22, Broncos 9)



At least the field's clear. Opening kickoff goes into the crowd. I don't think I've ever seen that. Patriots' first punt goes 15 yards. Sweet. Matt Brieda fumbles it away. Damien Harris breaks through the hole and they're not catching him. 65-yard touchdown. The Pats go for two and get it. Gonna be that kind of night, I see. Apparently it's still quite windy. Yep — weather alert says winds are 25-35 with gusts up to 55. Both teams are claiming the ball after this punt. Officials initially say it's Patriots' ball, but they discuss it and rule that it hit N'Keal Harry's helmet, making it Bills ball. And the Bills cash in right away with a touchdown to Gabriel Davis. They kick the PAT, making it 8-7 Patriots. Jonnu Smith makes a juggling catch. Folk hits from 41. The Mannings ask David Letterman (!) if he ever played. "Have you seen me?" McDermott's been mad about something for the last half-hour. Harris carries some tacklers for a 14-yard gain.


Patriots punt from midfield on 4th and 2 with four seconds left. Smart.



Aqib Talib joins the Mannings and tells a story about players showing up to late-season practices in pajamas, onesies, and anything else, since Belichick only seems to wear sweats at the stadium. OK, we need to talk about this unnecessary roughness penalty on the Patriots. Allen's NOT out of bounds. That's a bad call. Allen overthrows Davis in the end zone. Bills end up kicking a field goal. Mac sneak doesn't look like it got there. They gave it to him? Bills challenge and lose. Stevenson takes the Pats into the red zone as the third quarter ends. These are eight- and nine-man fronts. Really, Bills?


Now they're tightening up. The Patriots are flat-out refusing to throw the ball. Folk makes a wobbly 34-yarder. Allen takes off for a 21-yard run. Hightower gets called for a horse collar tackle on Zack Moss. Haven't seen that in a while. Allen slips dropping back and gets sacked. Field goal is... NO GOOD. Went right from 33 yards out. Good Lord. Jones has still thrown only ONE pass. And at that moment he throws his second. Diggs does a 180-degree spin to catch a ball thrown into the wind.


Riddick notes that Adrian Phillips is coming down, but the Bills run it anyway, and Singletary goes right past him and gets 16. Allen keeps it and appears to get the first down. Buck: "Peyton, you got money on this game? What's going on here?" False start pushes them back. Allen is lucky to get a pass away under pressure and Knox almost caught it.


Buck loves TV time outs and tells the Mannings they're gonna learn to love them, too. Adrian Phillips (who Buck IDs) is still down hurt, so everyone's killing time. Incomplete on 4th and 14. Peyton calls it "the most classic Bill Belichick game I've ever seen" and Buck says Jones won't even have to shower afterwards. The Bills sure could have used that time out they wasted on a spot challenge in the third quarter. THREE PASS ATTEMPTS. It's like Army playing Paul Johnson-era Georgia Tech. (Patriots 14, Bills 10)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
 1. Arizona (10-2) — Look who's back
2. Green Bay (9-3) — Sticking it out
3. Tampa Bay (9-3) — Tale as old as time
4. New England (9-4) — Like feeding coal into a steam engine

BOTTOM 4:
 30. N.Y. Jets (3-9) — Is there anything here?
30. Houston (2-10) — Just so nondescript
31. Detroit (1-10-1) — Rewarded for the fight
32. Jacksonville (2-10) — Um, er... make that 16 straight losses to NFC teams

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