Friday, January 14, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Bitter Friends


So Dalvin Cook's gonna play with a shoulder harness tonight. He's done it before, but still. "A great year statistically," for Kirk Cousins, yes. But then there's all the other stuff that he's never had. Cook finds a big hole. Jefferson can't handle a perfectly thrown ball in the end zone. Vikings try a 53-yarder and this has no chance. It was 4th and 3, by the way. Claypool and Breeland get into a shoving match post-whistle, and the flag's on Claypool. They got into it on the previous play as well. Steelers go for it on 4th and 4 and Roethlisberger gets chased out of the pocket and gets the first down. The Vikings also got flagged for holding. Ben gets hit and fumbles. Tomlin challenges that it was actually an incomplete pass and loses. Boswell misses from 49! Gonna be one of those games, I see. Cook breaks off another big run. Vikings run play action and Jefferson beats his man for the score.


Extra point is NO GOOD. Another fumble and the Vikings have it. Harrison Smith knocked it out of Claypool's hands. The call is overturned on review, as they say Claypool's knee was down. Vikings send the safeties and they drop Najee Harris in the backfield. Dede Westbrook's a Viking? Vikings open the second quarter with a 39-yarder. Cook bounces it outside and scores easily. Smith sacks Ben. Jefferson drops another pass while being wide open. Osborn (Thielen's replacement) picks up a first down. Touchdown Cook and this is turning into a slaughter. "The Passenger" takes us to the two-minute warning.

Goodell's here tonight. Ben has no protection.


This is the best the Vikings' defense has played in about a year and a half. Vikings add three more without incident. Breeland picks off Ben and I'm not sure whose fault that was.


Cook again. Fitzpatrick flattens Osborn in the end zone and gets flagged. Don't like that one. Steelers finally putting a drive together. Touchdown pass to Harris and there won't be a shutout, at least. Steelers get an interception. How is the third quarter not over yet? Touchdown Harris. Then the Vikings punt. Touchdown James Washington! Are the Vikings Chargering?


Ben gets buried on the two-point try. Cousins goes deep for Osborn, who makes the catch, his man falls down, and he scores. The Steelers line up to go for it on 4th and 3 from their own 32, but they can't get the play off and have to punt after a delay of game.


Cousins with a scramble for a first down. Witherspoon picks him off! He just falls at the Vikings' 20. Face mask on Cousins wasn't called. Freiermuth is left all alone after Breeland falls down, and he catches a touchdown. Steelers go for two again and get it. Cook with a clutch catch on third down. Steelers hang on (thanks to a picked-up interference flag) and get the ball back. DPI! Steelers need to go down the field. Maybe they can't?


Claypool converts 4th and 1. Stop celebrating! The clock's running! Sixteen seconds left. Ball to the end zone is broken up. They throw underneath again, but the Vikings miss a tackle and Johnson gets out of bounds with two seconds left. Freiermuth in traffic... can't hold it!


That would have been the biggest regular season comeback ever. We were real close to having to think about changing it to "Vikingsing." (Vikings 36, Steelers 28)

Signal Finder: DAL @ WSH, LV @ KC, BAL @ CLE (end), BUF @ TB

All of the Raiders head to midfield before kickoff and stomp on the Chiefs' logo. The Chiefs scored already? OH. Jacobs fumbled on the first play and they returned it for a touchdown.


Pass to Williams in the flat goes for a Chiefs touchdown. Touchdown Chiefs and it's 21-0. Another Raiders turnover. This time Mathieu gets an interception off of a drop.


Edwards-Helaire is kept from a touchdown by a shoestring tackle. This guy's named "Divine Deablo?" Touchdown... Josh Gordon? He's still on the team? Shocker. Renfrow loses the ball and the Chiefs have it. Oh yeah. No chance this gets overturned. Now Edwards-Helaire's back in, and he cuts left, finds a hole, and scores. 35-0. Raiders finally getting something going. Flag down in the end zone, and now we have a confrontation. Eagle: "This is stuff that normally happens fourth quarter." It was offensive pass interference, but the personal foul is what gets called. Raiders get lucky when Chris Jones is called for roughing the passer. Sad field goal to end the half.


Renfrow with his 10th catch today. Then he scores a touchdown after a sick reversal move. Extra point goes left. The worst part for CBS is that all of its other games right now are as bad, if not worse. There's still 10 minutes left? It's 41-9, by the way. Chiefs challenge that Carr fumbled on the sack before he was ruled down. Call REVERSED and the Chiefs get the ball. Chad Henne in at quarterback. Derrick Gore takes it 51 yards to the house. CBS finally pulls the plug. The Chiefs are trying to call off the dogs but the Raiders keep screwing up and giving them the ball. It's astounding. Just an all-time bad day for Raider Nation. Yet not even the worst one this season!


Also, Scorigami. There's always one per season that surprises me, and I think it's this one. (Chiefs 48, Raiders 9)

Lamar's hurt? That's not great. We join this one at 24-15 Browns with around six minutes left. Calais Campbell has also left this game with injury, Harlan tells us. Replay of the injury to Jackson. Huntley was doing a good job throwing short passes, but he overthrows a wide-open Hollywood on a deep ball. Short pass sets up 4th and 6. An injured Browns player gives the Ravens time to consider either a long Tucker field goal try (into some weird winds, Harlan points out) or going for it. They go for it, and Huntley drops it into Rashod Bateman at the Browns' 8! Touchdown Andrews!


PAT makes it 24-22 with 1:17 left. The Ravens' last successful onside kick was in 2001 (!!). It hits a Browns player! The Ravens RECOVER!


Clowney brings down Huntley. Last chance for the Ravens and Denzel Ward makes the stop! Browns somehow survive. (Browns 24, Ravens 22)

A rare carry for Corey Clement. Remember him? Tony Pollard's hurt? Oh. Field goal is good. Anthony Brown didn't really drop that interception. The receiver fell down and the throw was wobbly, and he misplayed it more than anything. Terrible coverage on this punt and the Cowboys are pinned at their own 6 after Cedrick Wilson has nowhere to go after fielding it. High throw is intercepted by... Landon Collins? On the NEXT PLAY, Randy Gregory tips a Heinecke pass to himself. So here's the background on this benches thing: The Seahawks tipped the Cowboys off that the heated benches on their sideline kept malfunctioning during Monday night's game, so the Cowboys had their own shipped up from Dallas and assembled here. Washington loses Cooper in the end zone but Dak doesn't. Touchdown. They go for two after a penalty on the PAT kick, and Elliott converts. That's a great throw by Heinecke that leads to some confusion: The Cowboys were penalized for a late hit out of bounds, then Burkhardt wonders why Washington is "moving backwards". It turns out that Humphries didn't catch it inbounds. Third-down pass is complete but short. Washington goes for it on fourth and 3 and Parsons sacks Heinecke, forcing a fumble that's returned for a touchdown. Kyle Allen in at quarterback for the moment, at least. Heinecke back in and almost throws another interception. The Cowboys' defense is wrecking this Washington line. Heinecke being looked at on the sideline again. Cowboys add a field goal for a wild 21. Heinecke is DESPERATE to throw an interception — both Diggs and Parsons had a shot at that one. Punt is almost blocked and a flag comes as Way gets hit. It's running into the kicker, so it won't make a difference. (It was 4th and 20.) Another Cowboys field goal makes it 24-0. Halftime. Sims goes over Diggs! He caught that, didn't he? Washington challenges. This is close. Call REVERSED! Touchdown!! They go for two and Heinecke scrambles before heading for the pylon. He gets there. Gibson fumbles and the Cowboys recover. Yeah, it's out. Cowboys tack on another field goal, which is fine as Washington's offense has put together exactly one drive so far. Third quarter ends. Heinecke gets sacked again and he's limping again. Now he's down, along with their center. La'el Collins gets tossed for protecting Prescott after a late hit. Washington gets a pick-6 from... Cole Holcomb? Dak threw that late.


Extra point is BLOCKED but it's still suddenly 27-20 with 4:15 to go. Then Clement fumbles the kickoff and gets buried at his own 12. Cowboys go three and out. Allen back in at quarterback.


Hey, it was a good line. DeAndre Carter can't handle a deep pass. Allen gets taken down and fumbles! Cowboys have it. This'll be reviewed, and I don't see enough to overturn it. Call STANDS. Dak slides for a first down on 3rd and 4 to get to the two-minute warning. This wasn't necessary. (Cowboys 27, Washington 20)


Notably, the Lions declined the penalty. Demaryius Thomas was an all-time great Bronco and it's sad that it took his death to remind everyone (myself included) of that. (Broncos 38, Lions 10)


How did Chase never go out of the end zone? That's nuts. Kittle with a ridiculously athletic catch. Gould MISSED? What? We're going to overtime! Higgins gets a bunch of yards after this catch. Burrow to Uzomah inside the 25. Sack ends any chance of a game-ending touchdown. McPherson puts the Bengals ahead. Kittle AGAIN. Two minutes left. Aiyuk gets knocked out of bounds. Wait, that's a touchdown? OK then. (49ers 26, Bengals 23, OT)

Touchdown Fournette. 47 yards! Brady's 32-3 against the Bills. The last time he lost to them was a Week 17 game where he didn't play the second half. Jordan Poyer breaks up a deep pass for Gronk in the end zone. BRADY SCRAMBLE?


Sideline pass to Fournette to get into the red zone as the quarter ends. They get three after Brady overthrows Godwin in the end zone. Allen finds Sanders at midfield. Inside The NFL is on Paramount+ now? That show's unkillable. Also, Ronde Barber is the chairman of Tampa's PGA event. Why are they discussing these things? Allen throws high on third and goal and the Bills get three. Gronk breaking tackles. Evans with a leaping touchdown catch. 17-3 Bucs. Screen to Gronk. Brady throws a desperation floater that Evans catches at the Bills' 2. That just set the completion record (7,143). Brady sneaks it in. Scuffle afterwards — the Bills are clearly still not over what happened to them Monday night. (They also haven't handed the ball to a running back yet.) Richard Sherman cradles an interception in his first game back. Bills defense holds up. Allen takes off for 22. Bills try a fake punt but the Bucs stop it! The Buccaneers go for it on 4th and 2 from the Bills 34, don't get it, but there's a penalty on the Bills, but the Bills get the ball? OK then. That seemed stupid. Allen takes off and he's got a touchdown. This is the 100th game for this version of this crew. HANDOFF to Brieda! Drive stalls. Fournette finding nothing inside. So he runs outside and gets 21. Romo really doesn't want the Bucs to go for it here. They ultimately don't, and Succop hits to make it 27-10 with 11:20 left. Allen to Knox for a touchdown. (Apparently Allen injured his foot right before this.) Holding on the ensuing kickoff return puts the Bucs at their own 10. Not a great punt. Bills have a short field now. Touchdown Gabriel Davis? All right then. It's 27-24.


Fourth and 4 and Davis goes behind the marker to catch it, spins away, and gets the first down! Knox gets open in the zone. Diggs gets mugged in the end zone and there's no flag? Seriously? Bass ties it with 22 seconds left. Overtime, SOMEHOW.


Oh Lord that's BAD. Evans tackled Wallace and Wallace gets flagged? Please.


Breshad Perriman's still in the league? LOOKS LIKE IT. (Buccaneers 33, Bills 27, OT)


QB1 had the worst game of his life. Not his professional career. His life. It's like how Kyler Murray's never lost in Jerryworld, except the opposite of that. (Chargers 37, Giants 21)

Good run by Montgomery, who was questionable up until this morning. Jason Peters heading to the locker room. Bears on the move! Not sure how Kmet didn't catch that. Bears settle for three.


Quinn sacks Rodgers for a second time. Is that just an ice slide? Jaheim Grant speeds down the sideline. Does he stay in? He does! Touchdown Bears and it's 10-0. Aaron Jones gets BLOCKS and picks up a critical first down. Pass in the end zone is broken up. Packers go for it and get it with a beautiful play action pass to Lazard. Of course, Rodgers saying he owned the Bears during their first meeting gets brought up. Graphic points out how true it is.


Rasul Douglas jumps in front of this pass and takes it all the way back. Collinsworth: "This is not Ohio State any more. You cannot stare down receivers in this league." Fields finds Jamere Byrd over the middle and he's not getting caught. He was in the backfield! Bears retake the lead. Marcedes Lewis somehow left wide open and gets 20. What the HELL? Grant reverses field on this punt return and he's gone for 97 yards!! None of that should have worked! He backtracked to field it at his OWN 3, then started in on e direction before reversing and cutting across the field, giving him no chance to find a hole in the middle of the field. Then he somehow never stepped out of bounds. Rodgers to Adams. Print it. Bears add a field goal and lead 27-21 at halftime. This isn't your dad's Bears-Packers game.


So I'm pretty sure Kathryn Tappen has been the sideline reporter for the last month of NBC games. I'm wondering if that means something. Jones vultures a touchdown from Dillon. Preston Smith sacks Fields and forces a fumble. Packers ball. Rodgers lofts one over two Bears defenders to Jones, who takes it and gets it past the pylon while falling out of bounds. Al and Cris talk about Rodgers' future and if the relationships have been repaired over the season. The Bears punt on 4th and 2 because they're terribly coached. The ball hits a Packers player and the Bears recover it. That ball can't be advanced. Also, there's a flag on the Bears because a player ran out of bounds and touched the ball, so they have to replay the down. This really does feel inevitable, doesn't it? It's only an 11-point game but it feels like the Bears have no shot.


There's a Rodgers impersonator in the crowd. Slant to Adams for a touchdown and that'll seal it. (Packers 45, Bears 30)

Ramsey and Higbee get added to the COVID list this afternoon for the Rams. Game starts with Murray getting sacked. Ertz! Weird play where Murray fakes to Conner, then tries to lateral it to Hopkins but throws it straight out of bounds. Murray misses A.J. Green deep and they end up kicking a 53-yarder. Conner snatches a pass out of the air with one hand. Then they show the one he made last week that he scored on. He has five this season. Levy: "Yes, they keep track of that." Interception! Aaron Donald just tipped it enough for it to get picked. Stafford back to feeding Kupp, as it should be. Sony Michel needs to be a lead guy somewhere. Sliding touchdown catch by Beckham. The Rams have a patch on their uniforms that says "Los Angeles Rams." Andrew Whitworth turned 40 yesterday, and he's the first ever to start at tackle at that age. Stafford takes a shot but delivers a laser. Matt Gay hits from 55. What's the elevation here? Murray finds Conner at the Rams' 4. Great play by Darius Williams to knock the pass away from Hopkins. Ertz is stopped short of the goal line. They give it to Conner on fourth down and he gets in. He got out of a Donald tackle to do it. Beckham picks up 39 on a crossing route.


Rams go ahead with a field goal with 58 seconds left. Green clears 10,000 career receiving yards. There's gonna be one Week 18 game on Saturday night on ESPN, and it will likely be deeply unimportant, so I'm not sure why they're hyping it up so much. Murray scrambles and barely gets out of bounds before time runs out. Prater hits from 53 to tie the game at 13 at halftime. Stafford with a bomb to Jefferson for a 52-yard touchdown! Rams get another tipped interception! This time 6-foot-5 Leonard Floyd tipped it to himself. Somebody clearly reminded the Rams that the Cardinals beat them down in their house. That's Murray's fifth interception this season that's happened on the first drive of the second half. (He has nine total.) Michel's the Rams' only running back tonight? Touchdown Kupp! Cardinals going for it on 4th and 2 from the Rams' 16. Hopkins can't handle the pass and Christian Kirk isn't able to save it. Rams take over. Rondale Moore can't stay inbounds on what would have been a big gain, but why is Von Miller in coverage downfield? Green elevates over Orr for the catch. This feels like his best game this season. Conner powers through tacklers for a touchdown. Stafford to Kupp for 43 on first and 20. Flag in the end zone. Both guys protest, but this one's on the offense. Stafford gets sacked, and he wants a face mask penalty, but doesn't get it. Field goal is good. 30-20 Rams with 7:20 left. Cardinals go for it on 4th and 1 as Griese wonders why they're not trying a field goal here, since they need two scores anyway and Prater can make one from that far. Conner doesn't get it. Wow. Not the best play call, either.


Cardinals get the ball back and Murray finds Kirk for 47! Griese really wants the Cardinals to kick a field goal, and with 1:13 left, he might be right this time. Levy: "There are a lot of other people who want them to kick that field goal right now, probably." Then Murray gets sacked on third down, the worst thing that can happen there. Prater hits from 49 with 37 seconds left. Onside kick WORKS! Cardinals have it! Two Rams had a shot at it but the Cardinals somehow came up with it. And now they're self-destructing with back-to-back penalties. Half the Cardinals were standing around on that last play like the whistle had blown it dead. Why didn't they spike it? (Rams 30, Cardinals 23)


RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. Green Bay (10-3) — Still got the deed
2. Tampa Bay (10-3) — Beneficiaries of institutional incompetence
3. Kansas City (9-4) — LOOMING
4. Arizona (10-3) — A curious setback

BOTTOM 4:

29. N.Y. Jets (3-10) — Still looking for a bright spot
30. Houston (2-11) — Did these jokers accidentally stumble into a quarterback?
31. Detroit (1-11-1) — Probably never had a chance
32. Jacksonville (2-11) — Why are we still doing this?

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