Thursday, November 4, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Familiarity and Contempt

Someone named Davis Mills is starting at quarterback for the Texans tonight. He's starting because Tyrod Taylor got hurt on Sunday and the Texans want to have their cake and eat it too with Deshaun Watson. More on that in a bit. The completely unnecessary 17th game will pit each team against the same-place team from the corresponding division in the other conference. I'm pretty sure this matchup is the first of those. But first, some... news? McCaffrey's blown a hamstring? That's not good, considering the Panthers' wideouts have already dropped about six passes. Touchdown Texans! Extra point is NO GOOD. Buck goes down the laundry list of Watson things (pointing out that he's not on the commissioner's exempt list and that he has not been suspended by... anyone) and says that he won't play for the Texans this season or ever again. Which... is fine. It's what he wants, and they clearly don't want anything to do with him anymore. So why haven't they just suspended him? They already seem to know they can't put him on the field with 22 sexual assault accusations (and a criminal investigation) out there. What's suspending him gonna do, tank his trade value? Anyway, Sam Darnold's never been this good. And Mills has been... OK? I guess? The Texans are pretty bad. (Panthers 24, Texans 9)
I've always believed Harlan would be a great wrestling announcer.

Is the Chargers coach old enough to drink? Chiefs look terrible in the early going. And now they're down 14. Man, the Chiefs are playing this final drive like they're the Chargers. ANOTHER interception? Really? Hold up. Someone signed DeAndre Baker? Who's he an upgrade over? (He just got called for pass interference on third down.) Touchdown Williams! Seriously, the Chargers never win this game. That's why Andy had to go to the hospital afterwards. (Chargers 30, Chiefs 24)
OH MY GOD the poor Lions. (Ravens 19, Lions 17)

Gronk gets FLATTENED. Is this the one big Desean Jackson game of the year? Touchdown Kupp. Brady barely avoids a sack, then gets sacked on the next play. Shanked punt ends a disaster of a drive. Tyler Johnson's just missed a touchdown on this drive twice, and the same guy stopped him both times. Three straight incompletions inside the 10 and the Bucs settle for a field goal. Why not run the ball at least once? Brady's first game in L.A. ends in defeat. Crushing, I know. (Rams 34, Buccaneers 24)

"Downtown San Francisco" which is NOWHERE NEAR where they actually are. The 49ers haven't played a proper home game in more than 300 days. I admit, "Jon Runyan, Michigan" caught me off guard. How many more DBs are the 49ers gonna lose? Wait, Bucs-Pats is next week? Alexander picks off Garoppolo! That's a good return. Packers eschew a field goal on 4th and 1 from the 49ers' 3. A pass? Really? Incomplete. Jones run makes it 17-0 Packers. Someone needs to tackle this man. 68 yards on the kickoff return. That'll help. Trey Lance in again. Bootleg left! Touchdown! RIP to that poor guy that Trent Williams pancaked. Aiyuk touchdown makes it 17-14. Garoppolo sacked and FUMBLES. Not sure the Packers should have used their last time out so soon. Field goal is good. You guys gonna tackle Kittle, or what? Touchdown pass to Juszczyk. 49ers lead! Thirty-seven seconds left? No time outs? That might be too much time. That's a beautifully perfect throw to Adams. My goodness. Crosby from 51. It's GOOD! (Packers 30, 49ers 28)
Cowboys get the ball first after a clock snafu. This is too easy. Dumb penalty leads to a Zeke touchdown. Hurts finds Goedert for 38, then throws an underthrown jump ball that the Cowboys pick off. Dak FUMBLES! Touchdown Eagles! Marcus Epps stones Schultz inside the Eagles' 10, forcing a drop. No one covers Zeke in the flat and he makes an easy catch for a called touchdown. Call REVERSED. Dak sneaks it and... and... doesn't get it! I thought he did. This has to be challenged because it wasn't ruled a score. And the Cowboys do, indeed, challenge. Call STANDS. Hurts gets trapped in the end zone and throws it away. Schultz beats everyone for a touchdown. Hurts gets sacked again. Cowboys running through this defense like butter. Riddick predicts a draw on second down and he's right. Touchdown Elliott. Extra point is no good. The Eagles ran the ball! Cedrick Wilson with a circus catch. Maddox never saw the ball. Hang on, he's out of bounds. Eagles challenge and win. Eagles are the most penalized team in the league (and have been up there for several years) 20-7 Cowboys at halftime, even after McCarthy wasted 45 seconds by not calling timeout after the Eagles' third-down play. The Eagles only ran the ball five times? Really? Trayvon Diggs jumps the route and takes it home. This starts four games in 18 days for the Eagles. At this rate, they'll be 1-6 going into Detroit. Ah, man, Smith fell down there. Badly-needed big play from Hurts to Quez Watkins. Touchdown Zach Ertz, who nobody thought would still be on this team. Cowboys come right back with a great catch by Wilson. Seumalo being carted off. Hurts with a wild throw to Ward for a touchdown. Peyton begging the Eagles "please stay inbounds." Apparently they're only doing 10 of these this year, and the next one is four weeks from now. (Cowboys 41, Eagles 21)
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