Monday, November 15, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Red Receipts

MY EYES! MY EYES! Apparently the Rams' kickoff returner was also affected. No Chris Carson for the Seahawks. Woods makes a juggling sliding catch for 11 yards. The Seahawks run it at Aaron Donald on 4th and 2. It ends about how you'd expect.


Woods is left open and he gets to the Seahawks' 10. An actual seahawk lands on some dude's head as the first quarter ends. Quadre Diggs intercepts Stafford in the back of the end zone! Then Ramsey makes a play and Troy Reeder gets an interception of his own. Pete Carroll (70) is twice as old as Sean McVay (35). That's an easy interference call. Touchdown Metcalf! I wasn't sure we were gonna see a touchdown tonight. Rams pass up a 4th and 2 to kick a field goal with 1:12 left in the half. And medical people are looking at Stafford, so maybe that's why. Buck calls the offensive holding on the Lockett touchdown before the refs can announce it. Subsequent field goal goes left. Buck denounces the announcer jinx while Aikman correctly points out that the Seahawks fans will blame him anyway. Halftime! We see someone's hand with a bandage on a right index finger. I assume it's Stafford's since he was being looked at earlier. Pass hits Donald in the head. Punt takes a Seahawks bounce at the last minute and is downed at the Rams' 5. Big catch by Desean. Gay's field goal CLANGS through. Then the kickoff goes out of bounds.


Now Wilson's holding his middle finger after just missing Lockett after getting hit. HIGBEE. Touchdown Rams. BLOCKED PUNT! Then the punter picks it up and kicks it away anyway. There's a flag. WHAT?


What the hell? Replay shows he was definitely across the line of scrimmage. Rams got jobbed. Ah, Seattle nights.


Geno Smith in for the Seahawks. I genuinely forgot he was still in the league. That's a good ball to Dissly. Metcalf in the end zone! When's the last time Geno threw one of those? 2017, Buck says. Rams come right back with a touchdown. This Seahawks' defense isn't what it used to be. Gay's kickoff goes out of bounds AGAIN. Seahawks kick the field goal now, because they might as well. Seahawks hold and they'll get the ball back. Geno throws an interception. Lockett, the possible intended target, got tripped up and that'll probably be that. Probably should have been illegal contact. Field goal ices it. (Rams 26, Seahawks 17)


(Falcons 27, Jets 20)

Signal Finder: PHI @ CAR, CHI @ LV, NYG @ DAL

Eagles' first drive is ended by Jeremy Chinn, who should probably be on this team instead of Jalen Hurts. No McCaffrey again. Darnold's never run this much, at least not by design. This new punter might be the Eagles' second-best player. Slay with an interception! Bad high throw by Darnold. Screen to Watkins loses five. Third down pass to Smith is short and pulls him out of the end zone. Play action slant to Smith for a touchdown... but it's called back for OPI on Ward. Isn't that the same thing that happened last week?


They settle for a 30-yarder. Slay gives up a big play, then no one covers Tremble in the end zone. Maddox saves a touchdown with a last-second breakup of a pass to Robby Anderson. A better throw and that's a touchdown. Plug for Bucs-Eagles Thursday night, which is looking like the ultimate Revenge Game massacre. Hargrave goes in practically untouched and gets Darnold. Siposs's punt is partially blocked? Replay shows it wasn't actually touched, but the free rusher forced him to shank it. Late hit on D.J. Moore adds 15 yards.


Sweat gets a sack. Field goal is good. Bad snap gets away from Hurts, who doesn't fall on it and gets lucky that it goes out of the end zone. 15-3 Panthers. When did NASCAR drivers start doing SNF-style intros? Panthers call time out before a false start. They change their minds and decide to punt. Elliott forced to take a 58-yarder. It's GOOD. 15-6 at halftime. Barnett down. Smith gets the ball punched out and Chinn recovers. Cox with a sack. Been a long time. Then Hurts gives it right back on an overthrown deep ball that Donte' Jackson caught like he was the intended receiver. Then Slay gets his second pick on another ball Darnold shouldn't have thrown.


Hurts gets buried on back-to-back plays by Hasaan Reddick, who wrecked Mailata at right tackle. Hurts's arm is going forward here. Incomplete pass, not a fumble. 53 yards to Watkins! Then they get an interference call in the end zone. Hurts sneak isn't even close. Touchdown? What? OK! Now the Eagles can't get a stop to save their lives. Genard Avery with his first play as an Eagle. (He's been here 3 1/2 years.) Gonzalez hits from 50. Gainwell can't catch it on third down, and Ertz can't catch it on fourth. Not the best throw, but he's caught worse throws than that. They're lucky they're seeing Jets Darnold today. That ball to Anderson has to be thrown better, too. BLOCKED PUNT! Big catch by Goedert, followed by dropping a touchdown. Come on, man. Hurts takes it himself! They go for two and Hurts gets chased back 10 yards but still finds Smith in the back of the end zone. Darnold threads the needle to Anderson for 19 on 3rd and 15. Sounds like a lot of Eagles fans in the crowd — big pop on that offensive holding call. Intercepted by Nelson! I think that's more interceptions than Eagles DBs had all of last year. Sanders gets forced out of bounds twice on three runs. And the second time he lost three yards. STOP RUNNING OUTSIDE. Hurts keeper seals it. Not sure they deserved this one, but "deserve's got nothing to do with it." (Eagles 21, Panthers 18)

Joe Burrow's going to get himself killed.


If this doesn't work, you're giving Aaron Rodgers the ball at practically midfield. CLANG! No good! Then CROSBY misses! We've got overtime. And Burrow starts it with an absolutely terrible interception.


Crosby MISSES AGAIN! OH GOD OH NO. This is unconscionable.


We join right after this with 3:22 left and Rodgers gets sacked. Cobb with a tough catch for a first down. They're reviewing the spot. Recap shows that they've missed five field goals in 10 minutes of game time?



Pass is ruled short of a first down. Crosby is out. 49 yards. It's... GOOD! (Packers 25, Bengals 22, OT)

What happened to Washington's defense? It's been BAD this season. (Saints 33, Washington 22)

Fields looks absolutely dejected after that lateral attempt. That's Fields's first touchdown pass. To... Jesper Horsted? Raiders are sputtering this half. Carr gets picked off but the Raiders can't capitalize. He still looks mad three series later. Now he's down and Peterman is in.


Carr back in after two plays, and he gets called for delay of game as CBS shows a Peterman sneak. Jacobs finishes the drive with a touchdown. Bears get another field goal and now the Raiders are going backwards. (Bears 20, Raiders 9)

Cowboys go for it on 4th and 2 but the Giants intercept it! It was the right move! Expect McCarthy to punt every time for the rest of the game. Gano misses right from 54. If Elliott's rejuvenated, this offense becomes much more dangerous. Pass to Schultz broken up in the end zone. Field goal is good. Other than the pick, the Giants haven't really stopped the Cowboys yet. Wait, what happened to Barkley? He's getting carted off? Dak fumbles the snap and the Giants get it! Toney to the 1. Touchdown Giants, apparently?


Now Jones is being carted off. Cowboys streak down the field and Dak hits Cooper for a touchdown. Giants open the second half with a field goal, which is a minor miracle. Now Elliott's down after grabbing his back after landing out of bounds. He's up and headed to the sideline. Interference on Bradberry. Elliott back in and loses a yard. Touchdown on the next play. Trayvon Diggs picks off whoever the Giants' backup QB is (Jones is out with a concussion). Big Pollard run is called back by offensive holding. Pollard breaks some tackles and gains 13. Cowboys add three more. Mike Glennon lives! He's the Giants' backup. This is a good drive! They direct snap it to Kadarius Toney and he gets to the 2. Fourth down pass is... incomplete. WIDE RECEIVER PASS. Dak goes deep to Wilson on third and 1. Touchdown Elliott. Now we got a fight. Did somebody throw a punch? It was Toney! He's gone. Neither guy was involved in the play! They were just out here being mad. Who's left to catch passes for the Giants? John Ross and who else? I hope Gettleman has Ike Hilliard's number. This drive eventually ends in a touchdown after one on the previous play was ruled incomplete. Gratuitous pick-six to close. (Cowboys 44, Giants 20)

I've figured out what's bugging me about Carrie's dress. The shoulder pads are bigger than some of the players'. Allen runs through the Chiefs for a touchdown. I mean, through them. Fumble on the kickoff. Bills recover! Allen throws it away mid-collapse and gets called for grounding. Bills can't cover Hill, either. "GEHA Field"? The hell? Lot of activity here. About three guys stand under center before Mahomes returns and throws a touchdown to Pringle. Then this happened:

This was followed by Allen throwing an absolute strike to Emmanuel Sanders for a touchdown. Allen to Diggs for 61! This is an untalented Chiefs defense that is also schemed poorly. That same defense holds and the Bills kick a field goal. Dawson Knox playing center field here and it's touchdown Bills.

Get Sorenson out of coverage. He's dying out there. This Hardman play is gonna be changed to a completion. He's pretty clearly inbounds. Field goal is good. 24-13 Bills at halftime. There may be lightning in the area, Tirico says.


Oh, we're doing an extended halftime? It's anarchy on that stage. "You wanna go New England-Houston?"


We're being told that the teams will be allowed back on the field at 10:05 local time (11:05 here). We resume at 11:12 with the Bills getting the second-half kickoff.


Hill can't handle the pass, and Micah Hyde intercepts it. Touchdown Bills! Mahomes finds Hill to convert a 3rd down and get inside the Bills' 15. Sidearm pass gets deflected — and picked! Cris: "Everybody in Buffalo just jumped through a table on that play."




Chiefs get the ball back. DPI puts them in the red zone. Touchdown Chiefs and this isn't close to over. Roughing the passer call on Frank Clark wipes out a Chiefs' interception. Cris really doesn't like that call.


Touchdown Sanders! That might do it. Mahomes fumbles the snap, it goes back about 15 yards and the Bills end up with it. We're done here. This was about a five-minute window. Probably less.


OH. (Bills 38, Chiefs 20; White Sox 11, Astros 6)

It's the Carpetbagger Bowl! Wait, the Ravens hadn't fielded a kickoff until then? TAYLOR! Good Lord! That screen almost got tipped, for starters. That's the first first-quarter touchdown for the Colts this season. Colts challenge this catch and win, forcing a punt. Wentz throwing early under pressure and hitting his receiver. That didn't happen once last year. This offensive line's gotta protect. I know they don't have Quentin Nelson, but still. Wentz gets blindsided and fumbles. Ravens recover! Tavon Young comes unblocked on a safety blitz and gets Wentz. Lamar takes off and stumbles for a first down. Holy shit! They broke into the game to report that a new batch of emails was released and Jon Gruden just resigned! He was sending that shit while AT ESPN? Come on, man.





Mark Andrews comes up with a big catch. Lamar misfires for Hollywood and the Ravens settle for three. Wentz misses Parris Campbell, but finds Alie-Cox. Colts going for it on 4th and 11 instead of trying a 56-yarder. Pittman picks it up, but doesn't get out of bounds, so they have to use their last time out with three seconds left. Wait... the punter's kicking this field goal? He missed! HANG ON. Did Humphrey jump offsides (he did!) because Nyheim Hines was holding and he thought he smelled something? Now Blankenship is out and he makes a 37-yarder. 10-3 at halftime. Wentz gets hit as he throws and Pittman comes back to it! It's called a touchdown.


They're not even trying to throw at Humphrey. Extra point MISSES. Riddick, who briefly played for the Raiders and loved it there, is sick over what's happening in Vegas.


Lamar fumbles and Leonard picks it up. He laterals to Isaiah Rogers and he streaks down the sideline for a touchdown! Was Lamar's knee down? This is CLOSE. Call STANDS, but the lateral is ruled an illegal forward pass, taking the touchdown off the board. Levy's not sure about that. Neither am I, really. Great throw from Wentz to Alie-Cox. Touchdown Taylor. Colts going for two. Wentz fakes left, throws right, and it's picked! Lamar drops one into Hollywood's bread basket. Lamar keeps it for the two-point try but is called short. His elbow's down. Marlon Mack sighting! Showcasing for a trade tomorrow? Flea flicker try ends with Wentz throwing it away. Punter Sanchez back in for another field goal try, and this one's good. Devonta Freeman lives! And he gets the Ravens to the 5. Touchdown Andrews after Lamar had three days to find him. They go for two and Andrews gets it. 25-17 with nine-plus minutes left. Pass to Taylor's a little high but he brings it in and gets big yards. Taylor dives for a first down. Calais Campbell with a big stop on third down. Then Blankenship's field goal is blocked! Colts took their foot off the gas there — you gotta throw it on first down. I should mention here that they're down several cornerbacks, and Xavier Rhodes just went out on the previous series. Ravens on the move. Two minutes! Jackson keeps it and fumbles AGAIN? He's (correctly) called down. Then the Ravens lose two yards on a botched handoff. Touchdown Andrews! Two-point try also goes to Andrews and we're tied at 25! Wentz takes that sack last year. Good job by him to get rid of it. A Ravens defender makes a dumb, overly aggressive mistake at a crucial time? THAT'S never happened before. That'll give the Colts 15 yards AND save a time out. Wentz to Pascal for 15. Wentz dives to the center of the field and the Colts call their last time out. Let's try this again. WIDE LEFT. Is this dude hurt or something? Justin Tucker's a captain? Sure. Has everything the Ravens run on this OT drive been in the middle of the field? Touchdown Hollywood and the Ravens win. (Ravens 31, Colts 25, OT)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (5-0) — The defense shows up
2. Buffalo (4-1) — An important victory
3. L.A. Rams (4-1) — Rally on a short week
4. Green Bay (4-1) — Unnecessarily heart-stopping

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (1-4) — Very few encouraging signs
30. Miami (1-4) — Meanwhile, their defense got trashed this week
31. Jacksonville (0-5) — Lawrence isn't used to this
32. Detroit (0-5) — Only these guys would lose to the Vikings on a last-second field goal
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