Sunday, November 7, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Happy Returns

It's the last two No. 1 overall picks AND a rematch of the 2020 national championship game. Feel the drama!

Lawrence rolls out as the pocket falls apart and he finds Shenault for 52! Was he down? Yeah, replay says Trae Waynes touched him down. Eli Apple's still in the league? Shenault loses the ball but he's down at the 1. It's fourth down. Lawrence keeps it and doesn't make it! The Bengals, already down 14 and pinned at their own 1, eventually decide to just bail and go into halftime to some boos. Speaking of halftime! It's announced that the Super Bowl halftime show will be Snoop, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Mary J. Blige and Kendrick Lamar. Snoop still holds Dre in the highest regard. Dre's produced all of the other acts at some point, right? Touchdown Uzomah! That came after a big play from Burrow to Jamarr Chase. Burrow sneak is called short. I can't tell. Call stands on replay. Mixon finishes it off. Freezer Bowl highlights!

Chris Long trolling hockey fans. Fall is HERE. Lawrence getting hit mid-slide somehow doesn't get flagged. Announcers think this James Robinson run will be a touchdown, as the Jags have challenged it. Call REVERSED and the Jags retake the lead.

Touchdown Uzomah! Flag's on Jacksonville and we're tied again. Holding on the Jaguars negates a sack on third and 1.

Uzomah again! 21 seconds left. They get a little closer and run down the clock. Here comes the rookie with four seconds left. It's GOOD! (Bengals 24, Jaguars 21)

Signal Finder: KC @ PHI, AZ @ LAR, TEN @ NYJ (OT), PIT @ GB

No Lane either? Christ. A "personal matter", say the announcers. Eagles are DRIVING. Hurts badly overthrows Ertz in the end zone. They're going for it? Well, yes, it's the Chiefs. Andy burns a time out and the Eagles change their minds. It's good, but you have to go for it against the Chiefs. Chiefs charging downfield. Hill gets around the corner and makes the pylon. Or not, as they put it at the 1. Shovel pass to Edwards-Helaire gets it. These defenses aren't good. Why is Kenny Gainwell the Eagles' second-best rookie? Touchdown Goedert? Yes. Steven Nelson can't cover Tyreek Hill. Didn't know Sirianni played at Mount Union, who ran D-III not that long ago. Interception? Nope, that hit the ground but still not a good decision by Hurts. "CSI: ?" The FIRST CSI was Vegas. Is this a sequel? Is Grissom back? Eagles lose a touchdown thanks to a penalty on Dillard. Hurts throws to no one on third down. Field goal is good as the fans boo. Another unnecessary penalty by Barnett. Chiefs score off a deflected shovel pass. That shouldn't even be possible. Two big catches from Smith. Hurts fumbles, and the ball goes back 20 yards but the Eagles somehow recover it. Halftime, mercifully. (Charles Davis had to realize that the Eagles actually recovered it, as Iain Eagle was convinced it was Chiefs ball.) Interception! Is that allowed? Can the Eagles do that? They settle for a field goal again, but the Chiefs were offsides and the ball moves to the 3. Eagles huddle, then Ertz finds the corner for a touchdown that gets called back due to a pick play.

Now they kick it AGAIN and it's good. Travis Kelce wears 87 because Jason (who's older) was born in 1987.

No way Sweat wasn't offsides there. Mahomes shooting laser beams. Touchdown Hill. Hurts drops one right in Devonta Smith's basket. But he clearly stepped on the sideline before he caught the ball. A great throw wasted. No one's punted yet? Won't be here, either. No one can cover Hill. (Certainly not on this team.) Garbage time! (Chiefs 42, Eagles 30)


We got an elevener! (Browns 14, Vikings 7)


We arrive to... overtime? Really, Titans? Wilson finds Keelan Cole on the sideline! But he doesn't see Corey Davis two plays later for a sure touchdown. Tevin Coleman's a Jet? Feels like Wilson was supposed to throw on that rollout. Field goal is good. 4:31 left. They should have given Rogers the first down off that catch. Ball's going to Henry here. There's only 31 seconds left? What the hell, Titans? Now a delay of game forces third and 10. Incomplete and they can't win this game now. This was managed horribly no matter what happens next. WIDE LEFT. JETS WIN. I have concerns, Titans. I have concerns. (Jets 27, Titans 24, OT)

Rams have owned the Cardinals recently. Stafford's still wearing 9 because the Rams have also retired 7 (Quarterback Bob Waterfield, who went into movie producing with his wife, Jane Russell, after his playing days. He was the first Ram to have his jersey retired and is in the Hall of Fame.) Have the Rams run the ball yet? I hope Chris Myers got some sleep last night — he called Arizona State-UCLA, which ended at around 2 a.m. Eastern. Touchdown! 21-10 Cardinals and I didn't see this coming. "Our Kind of People" appears to be black "Revenge." Crowd booing the roughing call on Leonard Floyd. Cardinals go up 24-10 at halftime. Stafford gets intercepted but it's called back because of a roughing penalty. Gay misses the field goal and the Cardinals drive for another touchdown. Stafford not having a great day. Fourth down pass goes through Higbee's hands and that feels like the end. Didn't see this one coming, that's for sure. (Cardinals 37, Rams 20)

Roethlisberger just did what Rodgers always does on that touchdown. We enter from Titans-Jets to the Packers on a first and goal. Pocket collapses and Rodgers scrambles in himself. Ben gets hit and fumbles! Packers ball. They may have gotten away with a facemask. Touchdown Cobb, who Rodgers wanted back. Field goal bounces through! Field goal BLOCKED! Did the Steelers go early? Refs say they did. That is CLOSE. Now it's a 26-yarder and good. A.J. Dillon blasts through the Steelers' D to the 2. Touchdown Cobb for the second time today. Steelers throw to Najee Harris in the flat on 4th and 4 for... some reason. Aaron Jones fumbles and the Steelers immediately get it back. That doesn't yield much. Why throw a two-yard pass on 4th and 5? Juju never got close to the marker. Then the Packers don't pick up 4th and 4 from the Steelers' 35 on the next drive. Still, I'm not sure the Steelers can come back, even after the Harris touchdown.


That pick certainly won't help. (Packers 27, Steelers 17)

Seriously, I was sure this game was later in the year. Like, after the World Series. Brady leads the Bucs out to some cheers, but no boos.

"Brady!" chant breaks out. NBC straight-up trolling everyone playing Adele's "Hello" over this final intro package.


It is RAINING, which may explain the somewhat muted reaction Brady got. The Pats are playing Jalen Mills at corner? Don't they watch film? Punt gets mishandled but the Pats catch a break when the ball hits the pylon, making it a touchback. Richard Sherman's already starting for the Buccaneers and wearing No. 5. Brady about to pass Brees for good in passing yards. They keep moving the chains after this Evans catch to put him in a tie. Now he's got the record. Bucs settle for a Succop FG.

Why are we cursing London with Jets-Falcons? I see the Patriots' offense still isn't great. Well, there's something happening here, though. Late interference flag on Carlton Davis after Agholor complains. Touchdown Hunter Henry, who breaks a tackle and spins into the end zone. Matthew Judon sacks Brady, and that's how the Pats will have to win this season. Did Damien Harris just slip upwards? That was strange. He's being helped off. The rain hasn't really let up. Antonio Brown misses two in a row and the Bucs kick another field goal. 7-6 Pats at the half. Bucs recover a fumble. This game has... kinda sucked? Yeah. We got another Patriots fumble? They're fighting for it. Oh, it's the Buccaneers who fumbled on a punt return. They recover, and the refs get Matthew Slater for running out of bounds too long as a punt gunner. He knows better. Ronald Jones with a touchdown run. Touchdown Jonnu Smith and the Patriots go back in front. Jakobi Meyers with one of the best-thrown balls of the night. Mac Jones almost threw a terrible pick. Field goal puts the Patriots up 17-16. Brady throws to Fournette, covered by Van Noy, and draws a pass interference flag. He goes to Brown in the end zone on 3rd and 7, but he can't bring it in. Now they're kicking a field goal at 2:02, which is important. Cris doesn't like this DPI on Whitehead. They probably could have gotten Devin White for holding, though. They're gonna try a 56-yarder in the rain on 4th and 3? I wouldn't do this. THUNK and it goes out. Seriously, why?

They had a minute left to get closer. Belichick's losing it. Speaking of, he and Brady have a perfunctory exchange after the game, as is Bill's wont.

(Buccaneers 19, Patriots 17)

LIGHTNING DELAY. We'll start at 8:50 now, instead of 8:55, as that change is made in real time.


Chargers are doing a silent count AT HOME. Hey, it's not their fault this city would rather have the visiting team as its own. Doesn't seem to matter much as they drive down the field and get seven. Renfrow drops a third-down ball. On the next drive, the Raiders burn their second time out. Carr gets hit and fumbles, but the Raiders recover, but get to punt. Chargers run a fake punt and it almost works, but Renfrow(!) breaks up the pass at the last second. He saw it coming! Now neither team can protect its quarterback. Raiders have zero yards after one quarter. Raiders' 4th and 3 loses a yard. Raiders forget to cover Steven Anderson, and he gets about 36 yards. In their defense, so would I. Touchdown Jared Cook, who's apparently a Charger now. 14-0 Bolts. This review's taking a long time. Can we see a replay? Call REVERSED. NO first down for the Raiders. They punt. Ekeler scores on a wheel route. 21-0 Chargers at halftime.

Renfrow puts the Raiders on the board. K.J. Wright's a Raider? Touchdown Waller and... do I detect a Chargering in progress? Big catch by Ruggs for 51. Raiders miss a field goal, then the Chargers drive down the field and Ekeler breaks three tackles to score. Derwin James picks off Carr. Somehow the Cardinals are the last unbeaten team? (Chargers 28, Raiders 14)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (4-0) — Yeah, I don't believe it, either
2. Buffalo (3-1) — Just beating people up
3. Green Bay (3-1) — That Saints loss looks really odd right now
4. L.A. Rams (3-1) — Don't want to "make" a division rival like that

BOTTOM 4:
29. Houston (1-3) — It's as bad as it looks
30. Miami (1-3) — An unsettling regression
31. Jacksonville (0-4) — Lawrence isn't used to this
32. Detroit (0-4) — Seems right
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