Thursday, November 1, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Bitter Ends

Oh, right, it's Brock Osweiler Revenge Game potential. Also, why is Deshaun Watson out here playing with a collapsed lung? Flag on the kickoff? Really, Texans? Troy: "We've already had one official lose his job, Mike." We're kicking off again. RIVETING. Second one is legal. Dolphins are so thin at receiver Amendola's actually playing. Watt carries a Dolphins offensive lineman right into a sack. Or, rather, the lineman (Juwan James) carries him, as he is flagged for holding.



I'm not going for it on 4th down with this crappy line against Watt and Clowney, sorry. That is a blatant trip on this punt return and it wasn't called. Buck and Aikman compare it to a sliding base runner. Two solid runs by Drake. Dolphins kick a field goal, but a flag on the defense for hitting the long snapper in the head (which no one sees) becomes a half-the-distance penalty. Drake cashes in for an easy touchdown. Big play to Fuller for 34 yards on 3rd and 1. Lamar Miller rushes for 19, then punches it in after three tries.




Osweiler throws an interception, a familiar sight in this stadium.



Oooh, the Texans got away with something there. Two plays later Watson finds Jordan Thomas for a touchdown. That's a good punt. Devante Parker making plays for the Dolphins as the announcers talk about his agent running his mouth this week. Field goal is good. STUFFED. Now this injury may help the Dolphins in that it may save them a time out if the Texans punt here. They do kick it away. So much for saving that time out. Amendola gets flipped in midair but still makes the catch. Osweiler gets hit, and is this a fumble? It's returned for a touchdown, so it gets reviewed automatically. This is close because his arm's coming forward, but the ball goes backwards.



Aikman thinks it's the old tuck rule situation. I don't know, man. They reverse it! Even so, the drive fizzles out. 14-10 Texans at the half. Or not, as this crew has called illegal formation on a kneeldown. "The Masked Singer" looks like true 2005 FOX shit. Miller takes off on a 58-yard run. Touchdown is called back because of a penalty. Texans going for it on 4th and goal from the 2. Watson scrambles for a good six seconds before Thomas finally finds some open space in the end zone. That's a great catch by Hopkins and it's a damn shame it won't count. CHICANERY! Touchdown, AMENDOLA to Drake!



Osweiler took a shot after he made that first pass. And the Texans come right back with a deep bomb to a wide-open Fuller! Yo, it's getting CRAZY out here. Grant catches it, it gets knocked out of his hands, up into the air, and right into the hands of Parker! Texans defend well and the Dolphins kick it. Onside kick? Yeah, no, that won't work. 28-20 Texans after 3. Touchdown Hopkins! 49 yards! The Dolphins' secondary is getting embarrassed tonight. Gase... kicks the field goal here? All right. 35-23 Texans. Hopkins AGAIN. What even happened before that? This is a good punt return that's coming back. (Also, why are the Dolphins punting here?) This is a catch, right?



We learn that Buck grew up an Oilers fan and even he isn't sure why. Low-key, the Texans have the most talented team in the AFC South. Did someone on the Dolphins call a time out they didn't have? Aikman: "That's probably a good way for this game to end, considering the way it started." (Texans 42, Dolphins 23)

'ELLO. Pay your bills, Jags.



That looks like a distance you shouldn't be comfortable with. It's... barely good. 6-3 Jags. That's a fumble. Wentz is all "Fine, I'll do it myself" on that 3rd and 11 run. Goedert with some physicality. Touchdown! It's halftime already?




We are LEGION. No Peters OR Johnson. Wentz had to duck to avoid getting sacked by Calais Campbell, who's not quite sure how he missed him. Good throw to Jeffery, and the Eagles are now 6 of 8 on third down today. Still not sure how Josh Adams didn't get drafted. Matthews with a nice leaping catch. Touchdown Smallwood! He went 36 yards with zero resistance. 95-yard drive. Bortles drops a deep ball in to the tight end. He misses high into the end zone. Touchdown Westbrook.



Jags go for two... no? I thought he caught that until Eisen said it was incomplete. Jaguars are already down two cornerbacks and now this kid Meeks is hurt. Eisen explains that's why none of the players in the bill-paying incident were disciplined — they're already shorthanded. No one blocks Myles Jack, and he sacks Wentz immediately. Bortles dives for a first down. Third quarter already over. Warner (who's been the best guy on this shockingly not-Godawful broadcast team) points out that the Jags have run that clearout play with amazing success all day. Jenkins gets his hand on and knocks down what would have been a touchdown catch. Eagles hold. The middle of this field is a mess. Field goal is good. 17-15. Matthews runs through contact to make the catch. Wentz scrambles for nine and a half. Adams again. Wentz throws it a little high so Ertz can catch it. Touchdown. Eisen shouts out Buck, who's worked five straight nights, including Friday's 18-inning World Series game. Big gain by Westbrook, who then gets flagged for taunting, which'll cut it about in half. Yeldon with a big catch-and-run out of the backfield. Didn't see who blocked Hicks but that was a nice job. Bortles slides and Bradham gets called for a hit to his head that never occurred. D.J. Chark drops a touchdown in the end zone on third down. Field goal is good. 24-18 with seven minutes left. Adams... fumbles? Refs say yes. REVIEW TIME. Ruling overturned. Jaguars stop the Eagles cold and force a punt. Bortles escapes a sack with a flip to Yeldon. Douglas drills Yeldon, making him drop a third-down swing pass. Jags going for it on 4th and 1. Bortles rolls out, Hicks gets caught in the middle, and Bortles gets the first down. Third down ball gets batted down. Jags go for it again. Incomplete. Turnover on downs. Wentz rolls and finds an open Matthews. Jaguars now out of time outs with 3:23 left. Smallwood picks up another first down. Two minutes left. Did Carlos Hyde play at all today for the Jaguars? (Fantasy says six carries for 11 yards.). Let's take some knees. (Eagles 24, Jaguars 18)

Signal Finder: CLE @ PIT, WSH @ NYG, DEN @ KC (end), TB @ CIN (end), GB @ LAR



Steelers wearing their 70's-early 90's uniforms before they changed the numerals. Duke Johnson's been down for a bit for the Browns. Drive slowing down. Hey, he's back. Field goal is good and the Browns score... first? Gotta catch that, Calloway. Ben throws another interception against the Browns this year. Field goal is good. 6-0 Browns. This is a weird camera angle, CBS. Joseph misses from 41.



Nothing gold can stay. Speaking of gold, I saw some obnoxious shit at the diner this morning — a truck painted in Steelers colors with gold glitter spelling out the team name and part of the logo. Mayfield gets picked off. Ben keeps it and fumbles, but he should be ruled down. Steelers going for a 4th and 1 from the Browns' 3. Juju gets the first down, but there's 8 seconds left. Steelers call time out, and they have time for one play. Quick slant to Brown for the touchdown! 14-6 at halftime. Offensive holding in the end zone. That's a safety. Good job, Browns. 16-6. Free kick is... recovered by the Browns? How? The Steelers called for a fair catch, never touched it, and the Browns fell on it so it's their ball? APPARENTLY SO. That's brutal. I've learned something today. And then the Steelers get flagged for roughing. Then pass interference gets called in the end zone on a 3rd down incompletion. Mayfield gets sacked for a 9-yard loss — but they call defensive holding in the end zone. This is a great Browns impersonation the Steelers are doing on this drive. Mayfield, under pressure, somehow gets the ball to Callaway for a touchdown! Extra point is no good, because they're still the Browns. Conner. Conner AGAIN. Conner finds the edge and scores. They make the extra point because they're not the Browns. 23-12. The Browns haven't won a road game in more than three years? Good Lord. This game isn't good. Conner with the dagger touchdown run. There was nobody near him for 20 yards. (Steelers 33, Browns 18)

Good Win, Or Bad Loss?: Seahawks 28, Lions 14

Giants punting on 4th and 1 when they're 1-6. Washington has Chris Thompson back, which will help. Peterson catches a pass, makes a move, and scores. Weird to see him catch a pass, as that's not really been part of his game. Eli goes 44 to Beckham! You can't give him that much cushion, because then of course you have to hold him to try to slow him down and it still may not work. And they still have to punt. That's why they're 1-6. Eli finds Barkley in traffic. Another pass to Barkley is Eli's ninth straight completion (!) And the tenth one was intended for Beckham, but ends up in the hands of D.J. Swearinger, who is not Beckham. This Hopkins field goal goes left. Eli takes a shot, but the pass to Sterling Shepard gets knocked away. 7-3 at halftime. Peterson passes Dorsett to move into 9th all-time for rushing. Got real lucky to not get intercepted there. Eli sacked at his own 2. Smith throws deep and that was closer to being intercepted than anything else. Field goal is... good. Giants now challenging the spot on this Peterson run. I don't think his knee's down. Call stands. Peterson FUMBLES! Vernon picks it up and that's a long return. 43 yards, in fact. Giants go for it on 4th and 3 from the Washington 32 and it goes right through Engram's hands. Peterson's running through the Giants like it's 2008. Hopkins makes it 13-3.




PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. THAT GOES FOR YOU GUYS TOO. Eli sacked for the sixth time.




This game is bad. That's a good punt. Washington's goal line stand works and the Giants send out the kicking team. Too early for an onside kick — still more than four minutes left. Peterson gets free and runs for a 64-yard touchdown and that's that. Meaningless Giants touchdown incoming. This onside kick went way too far. crosses off Giants (Redskins 20, Giants 13)



I will say, in both men's defense, they haven't exactly received stellar coaching in the NFL. Meanwhile, Winston's been benched after some truly terrible interceptions. Your semi-regular reminder that the Buccaneers have never in their history developed a franchise quarterback. FITZMAGIC LIVES. WE'RE TIED.


Dalton still has time. Green. More Green. Flag? That stops the clock and helps the Bengals, who still have a time out left. Green being looked at hurts the Bengals. Delay of game on the defense. Bullock from 44. It's GOOD! (Bengals 37, Buccaneers 34)

That quick paint job over the USC logos and end zones from yesterday is a little too obvious. Packers fans have taken over the Coliseum like the Eagles did the soccer stadium against the Chargers last year. Goff gets sacked from behind on third down. Devante Adams beats Marcus Peters with a double move for 47 yards. Touchdown Graham. Actually, I expect he will be ruled down at the 1 here. Indeed, he is. Jamal Williams gets the score instead. Gurley is hard to tackle. Rodgers gets tripped up from behind. 7-0 Packers after one; a lot fewer points than I expected. Fans booing that grounding wasn't called on that Goff incompletion. (That's what kind of crowd this is. God help them if the Steelers come to town before the Rams win a playoff game.) Was he out of the pocket? That's at least the third time Goff's ben sacked today, which is a large part of the reason the Rams don't have any points. Rams go back to Gurley to try to get things started, but they get stopped on 3rd and short. FAKE PUNT PASS TO SAM SHIELDS. Brennaman says Johnny Hekker's 10-for-17 on those. Shot into the end zone is broken up. Rams can't do anything on offense so far. Punt pins the Packers deep. Rodgers threads the needle to Cobb. Shields does a great job of running the end line to down this punt inside the 1. Safety! Rams challenge this Cooks incompletion, it gets overturned, and they're suddenly in business. Two minute warning. Brenneman thought Gurley caught this pass, the refs didn't, and now it's under review. This call also gets reversed and it's first and goal at the 3. Gurley pushes but doesn't get in. Touchdown. Rams run Gurley for two but he doesn't make it. Packers run a draw for no reason and it's 10-8 at the half. The Rams get the ball to start the second half. Cooks almost makes a nice leaping catch but he's not tall enough. Rodgers spreading the ball around on this drive. Field goal? OK. Rams get a big completion to a tight end. Gurley catches a pass on a crossing route and scores untouched. Two-point try is good this time. Rams defense keeps stepping up. Here comes the offense again. Touchdown Reynolds and it feels like it's starting to snowball. Adams beats Peters again for 41 on third down. No one lays a finger on Aaron Jones and he scores easily. 23-20 Rams after 3. Cooks! Legatron back and it's 26-20. Packers beat the blitz for a touchdown! The Rams keep attacking Jaire Alexander and he keeps showing he's up to the challenge. Oooh, that's a costly holding penalty on Saffold. Zeuerlein's kick is good and gives the Rams the lead back. Don't run this out. SEE I TOLD YOU. Rams ball!






Gurley convert the third down and he slows down and tries to stop before he gets tackled. That'll do it. (Rams 29, Packers 27)

So which game ends first? How did we get all the way to Game 5 of this series before using Magic and Larry? Get off your asses, FOX. Your reminder that the Vikings had ZERO BUSINESS winning that playoff game. Saints start on offense. Vikings challenge this Thomas catch on the sideline. They lose. Taysom Hill throws a PASS? WHAT? Now Bridgewater's on the field with Brees AND Hill. Is Payton drunk? Kamara scores on a sweep. Sometimes simple is best. Latavius Murray with a good run. Dalvin Cook may never play again. Not sure how Thielen caught that one. You can't cover another human being better than that. P.J. Williams gets worn out on back-to-back big plays. I'm also not quite sure Diggs knew that pass was coming, given how quickly and how late he turned around. Touchdown Diggs. 7-7 after one. Vikings start the second quarter with a flea-flicker to Thielen for 33 yards. New Saint Eli Apple touched him down. Collinsworth points out that it worked so well that Cousins didn't see Laquon Treadwell even more wide open in the middle of the field. DPI gives the Vikings the ball at the 1. Murray scores, but the extra point goes just wide. Saints get very unlucky that Kamara dropped that third-down pass, and have to settle for a field goal. Brees gets pressured and throws his first pick of the season. Cousins hits Robinson before he breaks to the sideline. Perfectly placed. Thielen fumbles! Saints ball! Add 15 yards to Lattimore's return. Kamara gets to the 1. He then leaps over the pile for the touchdown. Both games essentially at halftime (baseball's in the bottom of the 5th.) Cousins throws into traffic and gets very lucky. Diggs comes up half a yard short, the Vikings go for it on 4th down, and Treadwell drops it. (Don't be shocked if he gets traded before Tuesday's deadline, by the way.) Kamara gets a block on a 3rd-down screen pass and picks up a first down. Another Taysom Hill appearance leads to a recap of his college injuries. (Dude also got a Texas assistant coach fired.) Brees gets flagged for grounding and the kicker is out. Good. Cousins gets sacked and fumbles! Saints ball! But it's OVERTURNED. Then four plays later, P.J. Williams intercepts Cousins and walks into the end zone untouched.



Oh, man, that's on Diggs. He stopped mid-route. 27-13 Saints. Cousins gets sacked to end this drive. Top of the 8th in Game 5, which may actually end first. Not an easy road for either team coming up. Saints drive is slowed by a penalty. Field goal is good. 9:20 left. Haven't heard from Thielen in a while. This flag will create a first and goal for the Vikings. Not much working down here. Thielen catches a touchdown but nobody seems all that enthusiastic about it. Onside kick goes out of bounds. Looks like this game's gonna beat Game 5 to the finish line. Brees out with two minutes left. (Saints 30, Vikings 20)

This oughta be comical. Josh Gordon will miss the first few series for "disciplinary reasons." Patterson lined up as a running back? This is trolling. Apparently Gordon won't miss the first few series, as he's in on this play. Bills start with a direct snap to McCoy, and they should keep doing this for the rest of the season. Sadly, they do not. Derek Anderson completes a pass! Direct snap to Chris Ivory now. Full House backfield? FLEA FLICKER! It's incomplete, but why the hell not, right?



Patriots showing how to do it, even with only two running backs active. This is Patterson's fourth carry already, and they haven't gone for much. They lose three yards on a fumble. Third down pass falls hilariously short. Field goal is good. Bills fumble the kickoff? That'll be reviewed. He's down. McCoy may also be the Bills' best wide receiver. How bad is your defense when you let Brady run for seven yards? Gronk's been on and off the field on this drive. 6-0 after another field goal. Kelvin Benjamin drops a catchable ball. That's a bad punt. Pats get only eight on 3rd and 16. 9-0 Patriots, which is not what either side was expecting. Bills get consecutive first downs. Announcers go over the Bills' botching of their quarterback situation.




Chris Berman's MC'ing the Thurman Thomas jersey retirement ceremony at halftime? Third down run gets stuffed, but the kick is good. 9-3 with 1:41 left. Typical Patriots two-minute drive ends with a Gostkowski... MISS? Sure it was from 50 but still. 9-3 at halftime.




Benjamin caught it? Wow! Pats are pinned in their own end.




That's not a good punt either, and it leads to a 30-yard return by Micah Hyde, who I forgot was on the Bills. And of course they take a big loss. Hauschka does hit from 51 though. Anderson is hit and fumbles! Patriots' ball. Can't have that. GRONK! He caught that over the defender while hugging the sideline. McDermott challenges it. Hmmmm. Call STANDS. Gronk's blocking has been underrated throughout his career. Pressure makes Brady throw it away on third down. This is the nuttiest 12-6 game I can remember, and about 35 percent of it is because it's 12-6. This Matt Milano's been all over the field — he almost picked off that bad screen pass. White makes a man miss and converts 3rd and 12. Patterson as a running back finally pays dividends. Hogan makes a catch at the 3. Don't know what Gaines is so mad about. Touchdown White. Pats go for two and it's intercepted in the end zone. Bills driving. First time this season that they've had a quarterback who's exhibited competence at some point in their career. Zay Jones almost makes a great catch in the end zone. Jason Croom with a one-handed catch for the touchdown! OH NO HE DIDN'T THOUGH. And it ends with a pick-six. Because of course it does. Now Anderson's hurt and it's 3rd and 32. And you know what that means.



I don't know if Sean McDermott's a good head coach or not. And I know he's been given very little to work with. But the way he has handled this quarterback situation is professional malfeasance. (Patriots 25, Bills 6)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. L.A. Rams (8-0) — Now things get tough
2. Kansas City (7-1) — Always good to sweep a hated rival
3. New Orleans (6-1) — A measure of revenge
4. New England (6-2) — That took longer than it should have

BOTTOM 4:
29. Buffalo (2-6) — This won't get better any time soon
30. N.Y. Giants (1-7) — Neither will this
31. San Francisco (1-7) — That loss was Cardinals-esque
32. Oakland (1-6) — Surprisingly, nobody else got traded

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