Friday, November 30, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Cooking With Gas

Wait. Jim Nantz was the grand marshal for the Thanksgiving parade in Detroit? What? IN other news, Trubisky got hurt on Sunday and we all missed it, so Chase Daniel's making career start No. 3 in season No. 9. Bears force an opening three-and-out. Stafford will throw more passes in this four-day span than Daniel's thrown in his pro career (78). Three straight passes? OK then. Theo Riddick comes out of mothballs to pick up a first down. The Lions are actually hot on Thanksgiving lately — they've won four of five. Parade footage! The Bears have attempted a lot of passes so far for having a backup in (except that one, which ended in a sack.) Delay of game? Sure, why not. That late hit on Daniel by Glover Quin is the only thing that's happened in this game. Scoreless after one. Fumble? It's ruled a fumble. Call stands and it's Lions ball. Lions are suddenly short at receiver with Marvin Jones hurt.




T.J. Jones gets 15 on 2nd and 16. I think Blount got this. I'm wrong, and the Lions are going for it. PASS? Deflected and caught! It should have been intercepted, and it would have been deserved.
Touchdown Blount after a second push. Big play to Allen Robinson for 29 yards. Third down pass goes off Cohen's fingertips in the end zone. A taller man makes that catch.




Field goal is good. Game is speeding along — we're already at the two-minute warning. Oh, I was wondering if Steratore had retired from reffing NBA games, too. (He has.) Touchdown Bears. How'd he get so open? There was a flag but they pick it up and the touchdown counts. Bears going for two for some reason. Incomplete. Why have they blown open the playbook for Chase Daniel, of all people?




Lions not making a lot of progress on this two-minute drill. 4th and 1 and nobody realizes the Lions did call a time out with one second left, including the timekeeper. The stage for Mike Posner was already on the playing field and they had to pull it back. Hail Mary ends up as a sack. 9-7 Bears at halftime.




With the recent exception of Aretha Franklin (who didn't even have to go anywhere), Detroit always gets the C-level Thanksgiving halftime show. Spectacularly unfair. The Grey Cup on Sunday will have a bigger and better act. (It's Alessia Cara, so "better" certainly applies.) Why is Daniel running here? Ziggy Ansah trips him up from behind. I see the crew still does the bowling tournament. Daniel gets the edge, gets the first down, and gets wrecked. Offensive holding makes it all for naught. Golladay sneaks through the defense and goes down the sideline, and it's left to a linebacker to run him down.




Riddick stumbles after the catch and steps out of bounds at the 8. Blount powers in for another touchdown. Now the Lions are going for two. No pass interference? 13-9 Lions now. Wide receiver pass back to Daniel? What are the Bears doing? This is your BACKUP. This time Daniel hits Cohen in the end zone. Bears back in front. Golladay maneuvers through traffic for a nice gain. Blount finds some space after a catch. I thought Eddie Jackson tipped that third-down pass but the receiver just slipped and the pass went off his helmet. Field goal is good and we're tied. Lions run a safety blitz and get a sack from it, forcing a punt. Pick six by Eddie Jackson!




Golladay showing up big in this second half. Two minute warning! Interception in the end zone by Fuller! Cohen powers for a first down that will end this game, and I just realized we haven't seen Jordan Howard at all today. crosses off Lions (Bears 23, Lions 16)

It's Backup Quarterback Thursday! The good news for Washington is Trent Williams is back. Also McCoy beat the Cowboys in Dallas on a Monday night some years back, if I recall correctly. Cowboys get the ball first. Zach Brown tackles Elliott from behind, postponing a first down, which Amari Cooper picks up on the next play. Tyron Smith NOT starting, and he was expected to have recovered from a stinger but apparently not. Cooper gets 11 yards. Touchdown Elliott, and he pulls out some cash (?!) and drops it in the giant Salvation Army kettle, a callback to his jumping into it his rookie season. Aikman compares Colt to Jason Garrett. McCoy then throws into traffic and barely avoids an interception. McCoy fumbles on a scramble but Washington gets it back, but they have to punt. Buck: "I just hope that money gets into the right hands." McCoy avoids a sack and gets a favorable spot on this third-down pass. The refs missed a face mask and the Cowboys don't challenge the spot. Interception! Sack. McCoy comes back and finds Reed for a first down. He misses Vernon Davis on 3rd and 9. That's a good punt. Dak manages to just avoid a safety. Aikman recalls when this happened in their first meeting this season and it ended with a recovered fumble for a touchdown. McCoy finds Davis down the sideline for a 53 yard touchdown! Did I forget there was a live-action Lion King coming? Michael Gallup making plays. Dak escapes a sack to find him for another first down. QB keeper nets another first down. That throw fell short because of the pass rush, which also led to the following sack. Field goal is good. McCoy almost throws another pick but Doctson did well to turn into a defender and knock the ball away. Then he gets sacked and the Cowboys will get the ball back with two time outs. And do nothing with it.




If you think of it as Mike Posner opening for Meghan Trainor, it makes sense. Like, if that was an actual show, I'd believe it.


That's a good punt return. The Cowboys give them five more yards immediately with a neutral zone infraction. Then Washington loses 10 on a hold. Williams just went out again. Touchdown! Nice catch. Extra point is... no good? Elliott still getting his against 8-man fronts as Buck and Aikman talk about how Cooper hasn't impacted the Cowboys' offense yet. Third and two and Dak runs a play fake, throws it to Cooper, who runs AWAY from the defense and scores. You could see him accelerate. THIS extra point is good and the Cowboys retake the lead. That must have been quite the hold by Morgan Moses if the Cowboys are this salty about it. They're still fighting. It's offensive holding and it's now fourth down. Dak hits Cooper, who gets free in the secondary AGAIN! Touchdown! 90 yards!




Now Lawrence just picked off McCoy. It's all coming apart. Dak does a good Barry Sanders impression on that touchdown run. 31-13 now. Elliott just dumped him into the Salvation Army kettle. That penalty on the celebration (and the kickoff return) helped set Washington up with good field position. Peterson picks up a critical first down. Bibbs dives for a touchdown. I'm surprised they're not going for two here (they'll have to at some point) and so is Aikman, apparently. Cowboys slowing it down now. Some random dude in a Stetson is out to check on an injured Cowboy with the trainers. Buck wonders if turduckens were a thing before John Madden. I'm kind of wondering, too, now that he mentions it. This Cooper catch is short. Cowboys go for it, give it to Elliott, and he didn't make it. Turnover on downs. 5:27 left. ANOTHER interception! That thing sailed and ended up behind the receiver in traffic. Dak misses Gallup deep (for some reason), stopping the clock. Whatever Washington does first, it needs to do it fast. That completion in the middle of the field won't help. Neither will that sack. I really don't understand this play calling. Nothing to the sideline? Nothing?




At least they saved their time out. Field goal is good after a bad snap. Refs missed a helmet-to-helmet hit before that. Onside kick ends up with the Cowboys. Silver balls to Dak and Cooper. (Cowboys 31, Redskins 23)

And now, backup announcers, as the studio crew (Tirico, Dungy, Harrison) are calling this game. Wait, why does Michele still have to work? RIGGED. Saints get the ball first, which seems like folly on the Falcons' part. Hey, look, it's Michael Thomas. Hey, look, it's Michael Thomas again. Touchdown Tommy Lee Lewis, who makes a leaping backwards catch in the end zone. I'm being told that that touchdown happened so quickly it's being retroactively applied to the Eagles game. Sanu caught that? Wow. Coleman loses five yards trying to bounce it outside. Ryan fumbles! Mad scramble and the Saints recover! That's not what the Falcons needed. Brees goes back to Thomas. INTERCEPTION. That's only the second one Brees has thrown this year. Touchdown? The officials are discussing if Kazee was down by contact. They rule he was, but it's still Falcons ball. Harrison, of all people, thinks that should have been pass interference. (McAuley agrees.) Ryan gets trapped and fumbles again, but he recovers this time. Field goal is good. Brees drops the snap, but still pitches it to Ingram, who gets 15. Not sure how Watson didn't catch that one. He's been around for a long time if Harrison was his teammate once. Dungy spots the illegal formation before it gets flagged. Kamara with a spin move to get three more yards and inside the 10. Another pass gets knocked down.




Field goal is good. Ryan gets sacked, then manages to get one to Ridley in tight coverage, but Ridley can't bring it in. Announcers say injured linebacker Deion Jones may be close to coming back, but if the Falcons lose tonight, it won't matter. Dungy points out that all those injuries are in the middle of the Falcons' respective lineups. And you see that right there on that graphic. How does Austin Carr get that open?




Ryan sacked AGAIN. Falcons going for it on 4th and 7. Dungy approved. Ryan rolls out and makes it! Jones with a big catch... but he fumbles! Saints ball! 17-3 at halftime.

Falcons going for it on 4th and 2 from their own 48. Tirico points out that they're 4-6 and can't afford another loss. Incomplete. Now the Saints are going for it on 4th and 5 from the Falcons' 43. Did they really just try to draw them offsides? They're not playing the Bengals. Falcons running out of time and it's the third quarter. Brees fires one through Brooks Reed's hands and into a streaking Watson's. Diving catch for a touchdown by... Dan Arnold? All right, then. 24-3 Saints.




Ryan overthrows Ridley by about eight yards. Fourth down and the falcons get it. This time Ryan finds Ridley and he takes it to the 2. The Falcons' utter inability to run the ball tonight is costing them right now. Coleman's not even in the game. Smith loses a yard. Fourth and goal now. Ridley in the back of the end zone!
Falcons outsmarting themselves with that direct snap to Sanu in the backfield. They barely got it off. That interception was tipped. Jones was open but the ball never got there. Touchdown Kirkwood!




Prayers to everyone who has Kamara, Thomas and Ingram in fantasy tonight. Ito Smith was actually named after Judge Lance Ito from the O.J. trial. Poor kid. Ryan sacked twice in a row, fumbling the second one. The Falcons get it back, but get flagged for a chop block. Nice work there. Pick up the pace, Falcons. Fourth and 13. Ryan completes it to Ridley... who FUMBLES at the 2! Saints recover! Good Lord. That's it.




Falcons do get the ball back and they're in the red zone again. I wonder how this will end. Hey, a Tevin Coleman sighting. Touchdown. Oooh, Emeril Lagasse-prepared turkey legs. crosses off Falcons They go to Brees, Kamara and Cameron Jordan (who are joined by Ingram and Sheldon Rankins, for some reason). (Saints 31, Falcons 17)

Signal Finder: NYG @ PHI, JAX @ BUF (end), PIT @ DEN

The Eagles have one active cornerback (Rasul Douglas) who was on the roster a month ago. If I'm the Giants, I don't run the ball once. OK, twice. Giants rolling after converting that first third down. Wayne Gallman getting some run for some reason. Barkley scores without resistance. The extra point was good, but there was a penalty on the Eagles, and now the Giants are going for two. Pass is incomplete. Eli didn't see Rhett Ellison in the back of the end zone. Eagles go to Ertz immediately. Josh Adams goes up the middle, finds open space, and scores, but offensive holding brings it back. Explain a screen pass on 3rd and 12. Eagles end up punting. Beckham beats one of the new guys, De'Andre Bausby, and the Giants have first and goal. Defense holds (!) and the field goal is good. Barkley wanted pass interference on Jenkins and he probably should have gotten it. Eagles get a generous spot on that Ertz catch. Eagles are lucky that wasn't intercepted. That's a bad offensive pass interference call on Jeffery. So a first down turns into a coverage sack and the Eagles have to punt again.




Eli finds Russell Shepard to get out of a hole. Beckham reaches behind him to make that catch in mid-jump. Bennett limps off. Is there an argument that he's been the Eagles' best defensive player this season? Ellison, who's playing because Evan Engram got hurt in warmups, was left open again. Big Barkley run gets called back. These the jokers that did LSU-A&M last night? (If they were, they'd at least have fatigue and/or jet lag as an excuse.) Field goal is good. 12-0. Ertz again. Clement gets free and runs for 32 yards... and there aren't any flags! Tate makes a catch in traffic. The Eagles haven't used him properly. Keeper on a read option is stuffed. Elliott comes in and hits a 42-yarder.
Touchdown Barkley. Douglas didn't even try to tackle him (but he hasn't practiced all week, either) These are two not-great defenses. How does Ertz get that open? Goedert picks up a key first down on a tight end screen. Touchdown Ertz and he's now the Eagles' all-time leader in catches by a tight end. Eagles go for two (?) and get it (!) thanks to a good block by Ertz, who isn't known for that. Some fantastic confusion on the ensuing kickoff ends with the flag being picked up after a 45-yard return. Two straight catches from Fowler put the Giants in field goal range. Eli does some Eli shit and Jenkins INTERCEPTS it! Eli didn't see Barkley at all.




Chris Spielman just said Eli doesn't make that many mental errors. He's been doing college games too long. 19-11 Giants at halftime. Eagles get the ball to start the second half. Tate picks up a first down. Pocket collapses around Wentz and Agholor still almost catches it off the deflection. (Key word: almost.) Eagles get a sack, then force a terrible punt that Tate tries to do too much with. Nobody open on that play action pass,forcing Wentz to go to Adams, who drops it. First down Adams. The Giants have covered well today for the most part. Field goal is good. Eagles can't afford to lose any more DBs. Giants seem discombobulated. Spielman: "I'm not taking a time out on 3rd and 18." The Eagles almost got that punt. Eagles recover from 2nd and 18. Another drive killed by a sack. Beckham breaks four tackles on this punt return but somehow only gets 10 yards. Very little Barkley in the second half for reasons unknown. Good gain by Clement on a screen pass, and that probably should have been a face mask called. Two nice runs from Adams. Touchdown! Adams adds a two-point conversion. Defender falls down and Beckham capitalizes, picking up a first down on 3rd and 8. Beckham wants a flag in the end zone but doesn't get it (and probably should have). Field goal is good after a bad snap. We're tied. Jeffery breaks a couple of tackles and gets 21 yards. Adams stopped short on 3rd and 3. Now what? They line up to go for it. Agholor! First down! Two minute warning. Giants use their last time out. Just don't fumble. Elliott comes in for a 42-yard attempt. Snap is high, but the kick is perfect! 16 seconds left and the Giants start at their own 34. Only four second-half touches for Barkley is professional malfeasance, but props to this collection of stiffs on the Eagles' defense for playing big in the second half. Barkley gets out of bounds on 2nd down. Five seconds left. Grugier-Hill upends the second receiver on a weave play.


Maybe next year. crosses off Giants (Eagles 25, Giants 22)

During Giants-Eagles, Cincinnati guy Thom Brenneman said that Bengals fans, already pissed that they're down 21-0 to the Browns, would revolt if Hue Jackson (brought back to the Bengals' staff after his firing) ended up succeeding Marvin Lewis. Then THIS happened:




I'm not sure who's trolling who anymore.




(Browns 35, Bengals 20)




During this fight, Leonard Fournette came off the bench and across the field to get into it with someone and got tossed. Then the play was reviewed and the refs correctly determined that Moncrief was down at the 1. The Jaguars would not score at all on this possession. It looks dark in Buffalo. Allen takes a hit he didn't need to take. Field goal is good and the Bills go up by 10. Nine? No, 10. (The score bug had the Jaguars with 15 points temporarily.) Jags driving? OK. Bortles gets sacked. Touchdown Westbrook! Onside kick goes right to the Bills. (Bills 24, Jaguars 21)

Philip Rivers is ON ONE. (Chargers 45, Cardinals 10)

Broncos in their old helmets. I dig it. Audience? Steelers get the game's first first down after a Broncos three and out. Brown picking up yardage. Samuels (Conner's backup) makes a nice move to get a first down. Field goal is... blocked? Partially blocked and no good, yes. That's not the right shade of orange. Big pass play from Keenum to Heuerman. This field goal is good. Ben hits Ryan Switzer for a first down. Roethlisberger to McDonald: "Dude, what? Why are you standing here?" *calls time out* Grimble trucks this defender in the end zone — but it's ruled that he fumbled it through the end zone! It's the Austin Seferian-Jenkins rule and Broncos ball! Wow. They didn't change that rule? Idiots. T.J. Watt headed to the locker room as the Broncos cross midfield. Drive stalls and the Steelers take over. Brown gets caught short on 3rd down and Boswell tries again. This one's good. I don't know the Broncos' tight ends but one of them just scored. Just sat down in the zone, it looks like, caught it, and walked in. This is still a good Broncos secondary, but they're being challenged by the Steelers, who will throw to anybody and everybody. Juju gets stopped cold. FAKE FIELD GOAL! TOUCHDOWN ALEJANDRO VILLANUEVA! Good throw by Boswell, too!




10-10 at halftime. Not sure what happened to the Broncos covering Juju but he took a completely different route. Then he had to dive for the ball and couldn't catch it. Philip Lindsay's prety much assumed the Broncos' starting running back job. Broncos punt. NINETY. SEVEN. YARDS. Steady diet of Conner here. Interception! Keenum to Sanders, who loses it after going out of bounds. Touchdown Sanders! Replays of the first Sanders catch show he took three steps and his elbow hit the ground before the ball came out, but the Broncos took no chances and rushed to the line to get the next play off. We're tied at 17. James Washington had his man beaten by 10 yards and Ben still overthrew him. Now Keenum overthrew Sanders on the other side. Harris gets called for interference on Brown. Conner gets open in the middle of the field. FUMBLE. Did he get it back? No! Broncos ball! Broncos finding things in the middle of the field. Touchdown Lindsay! Hometown kid beasting. Steelers with plenty of time. That sack won't help. Ben finds Juju in the red zone. Interception! What even happened there? Was the snap bad? Oh, they messed up the fake handoff. Man. Tough loss. (Broncos 24, Steelers 17)

Don't look now, but the Colts have won five in a row and that second AFC wild card spot is there to be had. (Colts 27, Dolphins 24)

What if THIS game ends in a tie, too? Highlights montage reminds you that the Packers should have won the first game on at least two occasions. That spot will leave the Vikings just short. They line up to go for it but false start. Good job, guys. They punt . Nope, Adams stepped out of bounds first.
Aaron Jones runs right past Everson Griffen. Solid running inside. Touchdown Adams, who beats Xavier Rhodes. That's a lot of yards to Diggs. Touchdown Cook! How about that. LIMBOOOOOO. Packers coming right back. They're actually running the ball. How novel. This drive has been all Jones and Adams. (Cobb is out tonight.) Jones gets the corner and scores. Cousins pass gets tipped and Rudolph ends up with it. Another drop by Treadwell. Diggs doesn't drop those passes. Somehow he gets behind the defense in the end zone and catches a touchdown. Not a lot of defense being played so far. Thielen makes a tough catch in tight coverage. Jaire Alexander's been very good for the Packers this season.




Bailey misses! He's done. Packers going for it on 4th and 4 from the Vikings' 39. I'll never understand why teams just don't have a play ready in case drawing them offsides doesn't work (and it almost never does.) Predictive analysis says the Packers would have been better served going for it at That Point last week. That's a hell of a catch by Rudolph. This was reviewed and stands. False start. Thielen makes a nice move to get past Alexander and convert. Now it's 1st and 20. Cris wants to try curling. Moss is getting his Hall of Fame stuff tonight. Completion gets the Vikings into field goal range. This is from 51. Flag! ANOTHER false start. Now it's a 56-yarder. Wide right. Tied at 14 at halftime.

106 Grey Cups! Canada's been playing football longer than we've had football. REVENGE FOR CALGARY. Oh, man, this game's in Edmonton and half the crowd is DEAD after the Stampeders won. The game's best Canadian player gets his own trophy, which seems so very Canadian. (Stampeders 27, Redblacks 14)

The refs possibly missed at least a running into the kicker call on the Vikings' field goal attempt before halftime. Speaking of, Mike Zimmer declared he's going for it on 4th downs to take the game out of his kicker's hands. Al points out that these teams are still tied. Jones is stopped just short at midfield. McCarthy's angry because it took the refs too long to spot the ball and he has to burn a time out now. They go for it and Jones didn't get it. Turnover on downs. This is the problem with McCarthy. Why not sneak it?




Cook goes down the sideline. Diggs is having a big game. Cousins runs away from pressure and gets to the 10. He runs out of time on third down and gets sacked. Field goal is good. I thought Zimmer said he was done kicking field goals? Field's in good shape for hosting high school state championships this weekend. Rodgers had no chance on that pass rush. Did the Vikings even bring five there?




Thielen's last spin gets him into the end zone. "I Love L.A." being played over this plug for the next two Sunday Night games even though neither game is actually IN Los Angeles. Thielen AGAIN. Vikings have had the ball for about four minutes. They punt and it hits Tramon Williams! That ball's live and the Vikings get it! Welp.




Cousins has been perfect against the Packers' blitzes tonight. I'm used to him coming up small in games like this; it's weird. Diggs almost made as  spectacular touchdown catch but he couldn't hold on. Vikings going for it and don't get it. 4:51 left. Another coverage sack takes down Rodgers. Adams down the sideline! And Rhodes goes down and grabs his hamstring after the play. 3rd and 1. Rodgers and Adams just miss. Crosby on to kick the field goal with 2:25 left. Al and Cris discussing the Packers' immediate future. Whoa, Vikings. Even throwing that pass is a risk, much less putting it where Cousins put it. Good thing Diggs caught it. crosses off Packers (Vikings 24, Packers 17)

Bob McNair feature. Mariota gets lucky when Eric Reid's brother drops a sure interception, then gets flagged for interference. Field goal is good.




Jonnu Smith gets behind the Texans' defense and outruns them all to the end zone! Somebody screwed up. 10-0 Texans. Kickoff is fumbled! That's ex-Eagle DeAndre Carter. Texans do recover it. Good run by Miller. Another one, that would have been better if he hadn't tripped. Touchdown! That's Demaryius Thomas's first as a Texan, I believe. BRISKET. Booger's a honey ham guy for Thanksgiving, while Tessitore prefers roasts. I'm not sure Kenny Vaccaro's the guy you want covering DeAndre Hopkins. Welp. Can't let Watson get to the edge like that. Texans lead. You know who's good is Corey Davis, and that's another big play from him tonight on the end around. Mariota loses five on the sack. Titans go on 4th and 1 from the Texans' 2. NOPE.




TOUCHDOWN LAMAR MILLER. 97 YARDS. Teams keep trying to replace this dude and he just doesn't let them. That's the second time he's done that this season.




Blitz swallows up Mariota. Things are slowing down. Another safety blitz, but this time Mariota escapes and gets some yards. Watt with pressure and Covington finishes off the sack. Titans going backwards. Great catch on the sideline by Hopkins, down to rolling over to keep the ball secure and get out of bounds, stopping the clock. Field goal is good and it's 24-10 Texans at halftime. The 2019 draft will be in Nashville, and will be televised on ABC as well, with the College GameDay crew anchoring ABC's coverage. The Titans just don't feel like covering any Texans receivers, it seems. That field goal is 27 straight points by the Texans.





Titans return the punt to midfield. Corey Davis gets open, makes a man miss, and walks into the end zone. Mariot gets hit again and fumbles! Watt caused that chaos. Who's got it? Titans recover but it's fourth down. Witten: "As a tight end, the answer's not putting Jonnu Smith one-on-one with J.J. Watt, I can tell you that." Watson sprints down the middle after thinking about it. Titans challenge that he actually fumbled at the end. This is... kinda close. Call STANDS. It almost looks like he starts to lose it, gets it back, and loses it again after he's down. Touchdown to Thomas. Always love offensive holding on a sack. Mariota — who still hasn't thrown an incompletion with seven minutes left in this game — scrambles for 8 on 3rd and 16. What is that mustache, Marcus? Titans still not bothering with defense. Receivers have been open all night long. Booger absolutely savaging the now-benched Blake Bortles, as well as Tom Coughlin for extending him (which was absolutely a terrible decision). Tessitore reports that the league office told them that on the Watson non-fumble, he didn't lose control of it, which was my theory. Mariota throws his first incompletion with 1:25 left to play. Whoa, this game ended quick. (Texans 34, Titans 17)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. L.A. Rams (10-1) — Rest and recharge
2. New Orleans (10-1) — The beat goes on
3. Kansas City (9-2) — See the Rams
4. Houston (8-3) — Not out of the woods yet

BOTTOM 4:
29. Jacksonville (3-8) — Sunday felt like a low point
30. N.Y. Giants (3-8) — Can't beat the Eagles
31. San Francisco (2-9) — How do you lose that badly to a team as bad as the Bucs?
32. Oakland (2-9) — Ouch

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