Wednesday, January 31, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Hands Off The Wheel

Good job, Crowder. That would have been a touchdown if you'd, like, seen it. Is this an Alfred Morris revenge game? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Washington isn't stopping any Cowboy who can run the ball right now. And of course, the Cowboys score on a pass. Cousins fumbles on a sack. Turns out Ryan Switzer is no relation to Barry but that doesn't make that not a touchdown. That's some serious speed. It's already 17-0? Crowder trying to redeem himself. Touchdown Ryan Grant. This is an Alfred Morris revenge game, which I certainly didn't see coming. (Cowboys 38, Redskins 17)

Signal Finder: NE @ BUF, MIN @ ATL, TB @ GB (end), KC @ NYJ (end), CAR @ NO

My onscreen TV guide billed this as "a battle atop the AFC East." The Patriots lead the Bills by three games. Bills get the ball first and are DRIVING. The Enigmatic Charles Clay should be his legal name. And Taylor throws a horrible interception to end it. No idea what he saw there. Romo can't believe it, which is hilarious. The  pocket fell into him. Gronk with a killer block there. That's always been an underrated part of his game. Brady with tons of time here but no open receivers and he dumps it. Field goal in the wind is good. Taylor with a big run to end the quarter, skirting the sideline but not for as long as he thought.Brady falls down and throws the ball away. Bills challenge and lose, and McDermott is now saying he wanted an intentional grounding call (which I'm pretty sure isn't actually reviewable). Lewis runs through a massive hole and somehow doesn't score. Brady then decides to throw it to an utterly covered Burkhead. Pocket falls apart and Brady gets sacked, forcing a field goal attempt. Good. WR pass? JUST missed Cadet. Oh, that was Joe Webb.


Hauschka barely good from 49. Patriots, facing 3rd and 18, concede and kick another field goal. 9-3 at halftime. Another big run by Lewis sets up a Burkhead touchdown. There's ANOTHER touchdown by Burkhead. Taylor was just carted off. I'm... I'm not sure Sean McDermott knows what he's doing.


Brady throws a pick and all hell breaks loose. Gronk jumps on the dude after the play's over, then he gets shoved. Then everyone starts milling about. And apparently Jerry Hughes said something to or bumped an official, so the Bills will still lose 15 yards. Not that it matters because this game's been over for about 45 minutes. (Patriots 23, Bills 3)

The Chiefs' offense is BACK! Well, except for Kareem Hunt. How the hell is this game 31-30? Twelve years? Derrick Johnson's been around that long? Jets kick a field goal to take the lead. But a personal foul on the Chiefs will give the Jets a first down. They called that a hold on Nelson? Really? That gives the Jets another set of downs. Just run the ball, guys. Or not. McCown sneaks it and gets the touchdown! This two-point conversion is a damn mess. There was a hold in the end zone after McCown got forced 20 yards backwards and had to throw it away. THEN Marcus Peters threw the flag into the stands. Did he get tossed for throwing that flag or did the Chiefs just pull him? After all that, the Jets try for two again and get it. Apparently Peters left of his own accord, and the Chiefs just sent somebody into the locker room to get him. And Smith throws to no one on fourth down. My God. (Jets 38, Chiefs 31)

Freeman run gets wiped out by a holding call on center Alex Mack. Fourth and 2 from the Vikings' 39 and the Falcons are going for it. Swing pass to Coleman gets 15! Field goal is good. OK, I'm going to need to see this Diggs catch. He's out of bounds. Burkhardt describes the roof of Not The Home Depot Center as a "giant pizza", which is not how I've seen it described in other places. C.J. going Ham? I apologize. This last month or so Latavius Murray's looked like he did his rookie year again. Touchdown McKinnon. 7-3 Vikings. Did my man just do the Dirty Bird IN ATLANTA? Did Ryan cross the line of scrimmage on that throw? Bryant hooks a field goal in. Takk McKinney just blew up the Vikings' line for a sack. Falcons are building a defense. They'll need that front today with no Desmond Trufant. This Freeman run will stand after holding on the Vikings. Insult to injury for Mack there — he got held, and then the flag hit him in the head. Sanu elevates to catch that. This one on the turf may get overturned, however. It does and the Falcons kick a field goal to go ahead. Fran Tarkenton visited the Vikings before they left, Burkhardt says. Keenum scrambles and finds Diggs. Murray converts 3rd and 1. Touchdown Kyle Rudolph in the back of the end zone. Freeman back. And again. Bryant... MISSES. That was kind of a loud cheer for a Falcons home game. Thielen with a big catch and that'll do it, as the Falcons are somehow out of time outs. Is Mike Smith still coaching? (Vikings 14, Falcons 9)



(49ers 15, Bears 14)

Fans at Lambeau booing as the Packers kneel to go into overtime. Packers win the toss. Hundley scrambles. Another designed Hundley run. This is odd. Touchdown Aaron Jones! (Packers 26, Buccaneers 20, OT)



FYI, Kate and Rooney are nieces of John Mara, one of the Giants' co-owners. Also, Rooney is actually Patricia (Rooney is both ladies' middle name). Davis Webb isn't even ACTIVE? What the blue fuck, Giants. This proves they were lying about the whole thing. Who made this decision? (Raiders 24, Giants 17)


Saints featuring Kamara big time on this first drive. Michael Thomas converts a third down. Kamara again. Panthers: "Nah, son." Kamara: "How about now?" He takes a hit and still scores. Touchdown Saints.


Cam mayyyy have done some acting on that one. Stewart bulls his way into the end zone. Is it this matchup where the road team always wins or is it Falcons-Saints? Brees gets flagged for intentional grounding. Ingram breaks off a 72-yard run. The Saints didn't run the ball like this when they were contending for Super Bowls. Touchdown Ingram. Punter drops the snap and tries to throw it, because why not. Why is the Saints guy running it back? That was a pass that hit the turf. Wait. Taysom Hill, the former BYU quarterback for four of the last seven years? That's a bad penalty by Peppers. Touchdown Michael Thomas. McCaffrey answers back. 21-14 Saints at halftime. A.J. Klein was left unaccounted for. No way this punt return is counting. Rivera's mad that the Saints got away with a neutral zone infraction on the sack.


Kamara breaking tackles. Touchdown Saints. Things not going great for the Panthers. Ginn victimizing his old team. Daryl Worley drops a sure interception, then Lutz misses the field goal. That could spin things. I have to say, I'm not in love with the Panthers' receivers post-Kelvin Benjamin, even if I thought he was a little overrated. Two poor holds by Matt Kalil can't save Cam from a Cameron Jordan sack. Funchess gets 20 on 1st and 25. That's a lucky pass interference penalty the Panthers drew. Going for it on 4th and 6 from the 12 because they need two touchdowns. You have to throw that into the end zone, right? (Saints 31, Panthers 21)


I hate this Eagles -6 line. This'll be a test. Chris Pratt (?) raising the 12 flag. Oh, didn't know he was from Seattle. Someone named Mike Davis announced as the starting running back for the Seahawks. Lot of quick passes by the Seahawks so far. Walsh made the kick? I'm shocked. Terrible penalty on Najee Goode. Wentz drops the snap, then runs for a first down anyway. I am also surprised they're punting here. Might want to consider shorter dropbacks, Eagles. Pass interference on Darby puts the ball at around the 20. Then they get Bradham for holding.


Touchdown Graham, who's been doing that a lot lately. Eagles go back to the run game. Ajayi and Clement with solid gains. Oh, usually it's Bennett who's offsides. Holding on Big V costs the Eagles first and goal. Oh, that was on Jeffery. My mistake. Wait, Byron Maxwell's back in Seattle? Elliott puts the Eagles on the board. For some reason Wilson tried a pump fake seven yards past the line of scrimmage. The Eagles are running the ball well tonight but Wentz isn't having a good passing game so far. Sneak works because it always does. Third down sweep doesn't work, and now nobody seems to know what to do.


The Eagles eventually punt. 10-3 Seahawks at the half. Eagles get the second half kickoff and immediately come out more aggressive than the entire first half. Carroll grabs an official even though it's Pederson who has to decide whether or not to challenge this spot on the Smith catch. (Don't challenge spots. But I actually think this is a first down.) Call stands but I disagree with it. Oh well. Sneak works because yeah. Wentz keeps it and FUMBLES out of the end zone. Touchback and that'll stand — he wasn't even close to the goal line. So many penalties. Darby probably got away with a face mask. Seahawks call time out for no apparent reason. Wilson hits Baldwin down the sideline for a touchdown. Or an apparent touchdown, at least. Out of bounds at the 1. Grugier-Hill on defense? Davis goes high and gets stuffed. Lockett gets free and catches a touchdown. Eagles go for it on 4th and 3 and K.J. Wright detonates the entire thing. This game feels over. Wilson gets crushed and flagged for intentional grounding, forcing 4th down and pushing them out of field goal range. Wentz threw that while stumbling. Agholor's been pretty good. Then Wentz throws across his body to Agholor, who beats Maxwell for a touchdown. Wilson takes off, then flips to Davis for a first down. I thought that was a lateral anyway. The Eagles don't get the challenge flag out in time.


They read the flea flicker and cover it well on the back end. Next play, Wilson scrambles and Varrett is left all alone. Then McKissock beats Kendricks(?) for a touchdown. Someone tell Al and Cris the Eagles wouldn't have won that challenge. I mean, you still do it, but you're not winning it. Neither offensive line has been great tonight. That was pass interference too but whatever at this point. Interception Maxwell in the end zone. This was inevitable, I suppose. (Seahawks 24, Eagles 10)

Wait. The Bengals blew a 14-point halftime lead to the Steelers? Color me shocked. (Steelers 23, Bengals 20)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (10-2) — Can't win 'em all, I suppose
2. New England (10-2) — Yawn
3. Pittsburgh (10-2) — This last-second victory thing is becoming a habit
4. Minnesota (9-3) — Would have liked more than 14 points, though

BOTTOM 4:
29. Denver (3-9) — Jay Cutler would be their best quarterback right now
30. Chicago (3-9) — Serves 'em right
31. N.Y. Giants (2-10) — Just a bad decision all the way around
32. Cleveland (0-12) — The Chargers wanted revenge, and they got it


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