Saturday, October 29, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Off the Mark


Get well, Coach. Big ups to Dick Enberg, sure.


We got the old Bronco helmets, too? NICE. Chargers will get the ball first. What's left of them, anyway. Nice over the shoulder grab by Tyrell Williams. Antonio Gates, still doing things. Melvin Gordon's already having a better year than he did last year. Touchdown Hunter Henry. Maybe he'll replace Gates someday. Guitar shop B-roll? Oh, OK, it's a local joint. That's good punt coverage. Chargers moving the ball well so far, but it's the first quarter. 4th and inches and the Chargers are going. I don't think Gordon got there. I'm wrong! First down Chargers. Chargers have a new holder after Sunday's debacle. A 10-minute drive? Lord. Hey, a Broncos first down. Wait, what's this? That ball hit Benjamin. This'll get challenged if DeCamillis is paying attention, and as a special teams guy, I'd imagine he is. So Benjamin waved everyone else off, then let the ball hit him in the leg. Got it. Challenged, won, Broncos ball. JOEY BOSA LIVES! DAT SPIN MOVE THO. Still, they'll get a field goal out of it. Fumble! Chargers ball! Ha! Tracy Wolfson just mentioned Kubiak's kid's tweet. Field goal is good. 16-3 Chargers. Obligatory Future Of The Chargers In San Diego discussion. Another field goal makes it 19-3 Chargers. Nantz invokes the Witching Hour. That's three big plays in a row by Booker. Then he makes a smooth one-handed catch. Siemian just... it's like he wanted to pull that throw back but didn't.

McManus from 56... no good.

Holding on the Broncos... in the end zone! Safety! And Mike McCoy is way too ecstatic about that. THE CHARGERS MUFFED THE FREE KICK. If you're wearing a lineman's number, get away from the ball in that situation. It's Broncos ball at midfield.
Touchdown Broncos. DeCamillis is mad about something. Don't do anything stupid now, Chargers. Like getting sacked for -11 yards. Nantz: "They've been the best 55-minute team in football this year." That was a great run by C.J. Anderson, helped by terrible Chargers tackling, that won't count because of a hold. Then a sack. Thomas FUMBLES! Chargers ball! Put his helmet right on the ball. That's beautiful. That's a bizarre onside ki—oh. Let's try again. Broncos recover!

Now they have a shot at a Hail Mary. Oh my God. KNOCK IT DOWN! Praise be. (Chargers 21, Broncos 13)

Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, KC @ OAK, DAL @ GB, ATL @ SEA (end)

You know, just when I think I have the NFL’s over-the-air scheduling rules figured out, we don’t get Ravens-Giants opposite Eagles-Redskins here. I suspect it has something to do with overlapping secondary markets or some incomprehensible foolishness. But yeah, we’re getting Chiefs-Raiders at 4. Anyway, this Odell Beckham-kicker’s net thing is starting to go too far.

First play of the game and Wentz's jersey is already ruined. This new offensive line is... struggling so far. And I don't like Jalen Mills against DeSean, either. I wonder how many spare jerseys are on the sideline. Wentz is under all kinds of pressure. First and 20? Sure. Lynch discussing how Cousins has missed a lot of opportunities in the passing game even though they've won 3 in a row. Not much has happened for either offense so far. Kenny Albert doesn't know how many carries Wendell Smallwood had. That's four, not two. GAH! Ah crap. Matthews almost made a great one-handed catch. DeSean just outran Mills there.

Touchdown Crowder and if that keeps up, we can end this early. Hey, an Eagles first down. The Eagles cannot afford to keep going three-wide against this rush with a rookie at right tackle. Wentz may not survive.

Somehow Cousins got put of the pocket and scraped for the first down. Who the hell is this? That’s not a horse collar. This is becoming brutal on both sides. This was not the week for DeSean to get pissy about not getting the ball. And no one was covering Vernon Davis on that touchdown. They flagged the jump shot? Fuck this rule. SPECIAL TEAMS!! Lord knows they needed something.

Double reverse! What’s Crowder doing? He was down. (He WAS down, right?) Holy crap, he wasn’t. And they can’t challenge that. Has Crowder passed Garcon on the depth chart? Is this a Cole Beasley-Terrence Williams situation? Intercepted! TOUCHDOWN JENKINS!

What’s equally concerning is Matt Jones - Washington’s worst running back is going wild against this defense. DeSean just dropped a touchdown. Lynch on McLeod: “He’s up in New York somewhere...” They’re doing this with slants and posts, mostly. Lot of routes that cut inside. Three straight passes? Really? Then Fletcher Cox does something stupid for the second straight week to keep an opponent’s drive alive. Seriously, they have two time outs. RUN THE BALL. Finally they do but it appears to be stuffed. And Jones walks in on the next play.

There are holes everywhere. Lynch: “There is no gap control right now.” It feels like every Eagles penalty today has come at a bad time. Cousins throws into too-tight coverage and Jenkins almost had that one, too. Only giving up a field goal feels lucky. Big V still out there, but the first two Eagles runs have been to the left. Wentz with the keeper for the first down. Wentz somehow escaped, got hit, and found DGB, who made a nice one-handed catch. It won’t count, though. Uh, maybe? 3rd and 21 and this isn’t happening. Sproles makes a rare bad decision on a punt, picking it up inside the 10 with no running room. Wentz GUNS it to Matthews! Hey, a Zach Ertz sighting. Sturgis field goal is good and somehow this is a seven-point game. As bad as these penalties have been, they’re not the biggest problem here.

Cullen Jenkins is still in the league? Don’t get that third-down call, either. Then Ertz has the ball bounce off his hands. They have to kick this. It’s good. Hey, the Eagles got a stop. That’s huge. Agholor with a tough catch on third down. Can’t take that sack, rook. OK, he had no chance on that one. Eagles punt because fourth and 24 isn’t on this roster. (Truth be told, it’s on the other sideline.) Matt Jones finds yet another hole and that’s that.

This is in reference to the pattern where the Redskins’ last home game before Election Day is tied to whether the incumbent party stays in the White House. Note that it did NOT happen four years ago. (Redskins 27, Eagles 20)

Yep... The Super Bowl loser’s curse is back. crosses off Panthers (Saints 41, Panthers 38)

The Packers’ color scheme just doesn’t allow for attractive alternates/throwbacks. They’re like a neon version of Virginia Tech in that regard. No Bryant again for the Cowboys. Doesn’t seem to matter, though.  Packers out here cheating. Touchdown Beasley and then some unpleasantries as Burnett picked up the ball and got rocked. They’re reviewing this. The ball breaks the plane, he’s touched down, then it comes out. I think he’s already on the ground and the refs agree. Eddie Lacy hurdling people. That wouldn’t have happened last year. The Wishbone? Really? Brennaman and Aikman were convinced the Packers were going for that fourth down. 

And about four plays later he throws a pick. Oh, Peppers hit his arm as he threw the ball. Wait, they’re calling it a fumble, so the streak remains intact.

You still can’t give Rodgers that much time. Although if nobody’s open... But a face mask negates the sack and it’s first down Packers. Aaron missed that one. Another fourth and short and McCarthy pulls up again. The kick’s good, but still. Yeah, that’s pretty blatant illegal contact. Prescott takes off, then just flat drops the ball. Somehow, a colleague recovered. Lacy with another hurdle! Again, too much time for Rodgers and he finds Adams. Lot of confusion here. How are the Cowboys even out of time outs this soon? That pass was a heat check, and Claiborne paid the price on that collision. Going for this fourth and 5 makes sense, despite what we’ve seen from McCarthy previously and despite it ultimately not working. Defender falls down and Williams gets free for 42 yards, which leads to a touchdown on the next play. Did the Packers get this off? And considering Rodgers threw it short, why did they bother? 17-6 Cowboys at the half. That interception was crazy. Rodgers never looked anywhere else. Here’s another reason Mike McCarthy is a bad coach: Whatever’s wrong with this offense, and Rodgers in particular, he hasn’t done anything to fix it. Big run by Elliott.
Adams makes a tough catch and pays for it as Sean Lee clocks him. He eventually walks off. This pass to Janis is going to be close. First down Packers. And why are they going to Jeff Janis here? Ty Montgomery has nine catches today? Really? Rodgers on a designed run... FUMBLE! Cowboys ball! This is unbelievable. Lacy was on the sideline. (Turns out he was hurt.) Now THAT is an interception. Packers cash in with three more. Another. Packers. Turnover. Favre agrees with Aikman. And this Prescott thing is real now. This isn’t a mirage. I don’t know why the Packers kicked the extra point down 12 but that’s another discussion entirely.


(Cowboys 30, Packers 16)

Earl Thomas with the interception! I’m not quite sure why the Falcons were throwing there but Jones didn’t do a great job of getting his hands on it. Yeah, Sherman got away with that one. Quinn’s STILL mad. (Seahawks 26, Falcons 24)

Adam Vinatieri will never die. Again, it’s nice to see Lamar Miller in an offense that actually uses him. Osweiler is STRUGGLING.

Wait, who’s calling time out already? It’s the second series! Was it an official time out? Because neither of the teams are missing a line under their logos. Lechler barely got that punt off. Running backs don’t last as long as Gore has. They just don’t. That’s a hold. Touchdown Colts! Good job by Doyle to get open on the fake. It’s weird to see the Texans’ defense without Watt. That catch by Hilton! Hey, the Texans hit a pass play finally. They have too much talent to be such a bad offense, especially outside. They don’t really need their tight end to catch passes. Just let Luck run free, why don’t you. Oh, that’s a bad decision and that interception will stand. 13-3 Colts at halftime. As Cris said, at least the Texans are running the ball effectively. Do Wilson, Miller and Brown really all have the same agent? (They don’t.) That’s a hold at the very least. Oh, they called PI. Touchdown Texans and this is a game. Missed the extra point! There were five of those? GOSTKOWSKI missed one? What the hell, Al. Big sack by Mercilus and Clowney (!!) is negated by a face mask on said sack. Now this is close.

Did the Colts go for it there? And why were they in shotgun with Frank Gore on your team? Wow. Mercilus with a sack that counts. And Osweiler immediately throws to a not-at-all-open Hopkins and Vontae Davis intercepts it. Then Luck runs untouched into the end zone.

Oh God, NBC. Way to rub it in with the Osweiler/Siemian salary comparison.  Touchdown Texans! Miller just did a spot-on Barry Sanders impression and this game isn’t over yet. Luck is getting beaten up as badly as Wentz was earlier. The Texans are gonna get the ball back. Miller AGAIN. TOUCHDOWN!! And how big is that missed extra point now? Al just jinxed me on that. This is a legit dilemma here. What do you do? The Texans kick it and it’s good and we’re.... gulp... tied. 

Luck has 49 seconds, two time outs, and Viniatieri. That is... not a catch. The Colts give up.  They could have used another time out. I wonder what happened to it. OVERTIME.

Luck gets sacked AGAIN. NOW it’s sudden death. JAELEN STRONG LIVES! Here comes Novak. It’s GOOD!  Fire everybody. (Texans 26, Colts 23, OT)


Arians coached Bowles at Temple 30 years ago. Dude’s been around. Hey, Palmer’s back. Third play, fumbled snap. OK. Fitzgerald! These are two struggling offenses (how the hell do the Cardinals have zero points in the first quarter this season?) but only one quarterback is in any danger of being benched, I think. That’s not much of a punt. You can’t stop David Johnson, you can only hope to contain him, but the Jets barely managed that. Touchdown Cardinals. The Jets shouldn’t be this bad offensively, either. I don’t understand that skee-ball graphic. Why was that done? Just a poor throw by Fitzpatrick on another failed third down tonight. That’s not much of a punt, either. And that guy’s definitely loose. Gruden wondering if the Jets could switch to one of their other three quarterbacks, noting that they’re the only team with four. Then Forte drops a pass on another third down. This is awful. 
Good catch by Marshall under duress. Is that a fumble? The Jets don’t seem to think so since they’re just kind of lazing around. There’s 11 seconds left, guys! OK, there we go. They review it and say it’s incomplete, so we’re back to 24 seconds. Fitzpatrick gets pressured and can’t find anyone for another third down failure. 

Have they gotten even one tonight? This is what, seven penalties in a row? Bad football is bad. McDonough’s brother works for the Cardinals? I didn’t know that. Three touchdowns for David Johnson. The Jets are...putting together a drive? Am I seeing this? Why did Fitz throw it right at the rushing linebacker? And more pressure leads to an interception and the end of this drive.
Palmer got lucky there. I'm surprised the Cardinals are still throwing so much. Is this a touchdown? Yes. Yes it is. Here comes Geno. “Injured.” Heh. He looks...not God-awful so far. Then that happened.

(Cardinals 28, Jets 3)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Minnesota (5-0): Bradford hasn't had this good a start since college
2. New England (5-1): Almost at full speed. Almost...
3. Dallas (4-1): Oh, no...
4. Seattle (4-1): It still counts

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (1-5): Just trade Cutler already
30. San Francisco (1-5): This is going to take a while
31. N.Y. Jets (1-5): The Fitzpatrick era needs to end
32. Cleveland (0-6): Who thought this was a good idea?



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