Saturday, October 15, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Lost Roads

Explain yourselves, Dolphins. Sam Wyche is watching, for God's sake.

Still, better the orange than the teal, I guess. Meanwhile the Bengals just look boring. Their uniforms, not this drive, which is cooking so far. They've hit about everything. Well, until that incompletion. That ended quickly. Field goal is good but something's happening afterwards. A fight? Already? You're not the Steelers! Nantz: "Nobody was happy about that win on Sunday." Hey, Burfict's back. Kenny Stills! That's literally all he's good for.
That's a great catch by A.J. Green. He's abusing this Howard kid. And Byron Maxwell's already been benched, so expect that to continue.


Was that a reverse? Touchdown Green. Don't bring it ou... ohhhh. That was CLOSE. That's the thing about Jeremy Hill — he's not very elusive. If you trap him behind the LoS, it's over. The Dolphins don't have anyone who can handle Green. He just threw that guy off his back. Fourth and 1 and they're going for it? OK. Good effort by Hill and he... got it. Ah jeez. Tannehill just dropped it. Bengals recover. And Ozumah can't hold on to that 3rd down pass and it's another field goal attempt. Great clock management, Dolphins.


It's the second half, which means it's Tannehill stat-padding time. No one bought that play fake. Dunlap almost got him. This is by far the longest drive of the night for the Dolphins. And that sack just brought it to a screeching halt. They're out of field goal range. The Dolphins still haven't solved their A.J. Green problem. And the Bengals still haven't solved their "we can't finish a drive" problem. That's a ridiculously dumb roughing the punter penalty on the Dolphins. The ball was gone four seconds ago. And Hill makes them pay with a big run. ANOTHER field goal? Jeez. Good thing the Dolphins suck. IS that the first Jarvis Landry sighting tonight? It's the fourth quarter! Nantz about to jinx the hell out of Tannehill here. Yup. Landry making moves. Is something starting to happen here? It's still only a two-score game. WELP. Interception. That's that, I guess. (Bengals 22, Dolphins 7)

I figured Lady Gaga was a lock for a future Super Bowl halftime after crushing the national anthem last year. I didn't think it would be this soon.

I appreciate the use of British people for the voice overs in the London games, if nothing else. Touchdown Dorsett and that is a failure of coverage. Luck's father was a bigwig in the World League? Hm. Is that a Frankfurt Galaxy banner? It is! One yard and then he goes out of bounds? That's a waste. Best thing Colts could have hoped for there. Hilton didn't get that? Hm. 4th and 1 — Incomplete! Great closeout by the defender. I'm surprised Luck didn't run for it himself — he had an opening. And Trent Green said he had a more open receiver on the left sideline. All that and the Jaguars still have to punt? This is why they're the Jaguars. You can't take a sack, Luck.


Jaguars... win? (Jaguars 30, Colts 27)

 Signal Finder: CLE @ WSH, SEA @ NYJ, CAR @ ATL (end), OAK @ BAL (end), DAL @ SF, LA @ ARZ (end), NO @ SD (end)

This was supposed to be Griffin vs. Cousins. :( Hey, Stacey Dales is working the sideline. And Washington's working the rest of the field. Touchdown Jordan Reed and that was way too easy.
That ends a 9-for-9 start by Cousins. Touchdown Reed. I don't think I've seen the Browns actually run a play. Nice interception by Jamar Taylor. Touchdown catch by Terrelle Pryor (who was the superior college quarterback) and we're tied. The Browns can't stop this offense, and they can't stop Reed in particular. Of course, they then get a good stop to force a field goal. Now Parkey's on to tie it. Good. 17-17 at halftime. The Browns look energized. False start on a field goal? False start on the KICKER? That's so Browns. Still, it's good. That's the second big run Crowell's had in this half. And again on a catch and run. Dude is running wild and the tackling has been a joke. FUMBLE. Cousins has to throw that away. As Gannon said, that's how Colt McCoy happens. Norman just picked Kessler, who shouldn't have thrown to Pryor anyway.


Matt Jones! Who? MATT JONES. 31-20 now. Double coverage on Pryor? That's how talent-poor this Browns team is. Three straight turnovers? OK. (Redskins 31, Browns 20)

Wait. 17-4? GLITCH!


Gotta say, though, a two-safety game would have been awesome. (Texans 27, Titans 20)

Nice catch by... Jimmy Graham? THERE'S BEEN A JIMMY GRAHAM SIGHTING! The Seahawks' biggest problem today is going to be handling the Jets' defensive line.


And later, after Marshall moves to the slot and then out of it, he roasts Sherman.

I'm not sure how Baldwin survived that hit. Welcome to the Seahawks, C.J. Spiller. Three guys hit Fitzpatrick and he STILL got that pass away. I still haven't seen the roughing. I'm not saying it didn't happen, just that the replay angles were all bad. That's a blown coverage. Touchdown Seahawks. Burkhardt: "Not sure what can stop [Wilson] at this point. It hasn't been the Jets." Fitzpatrick gonna Fitzpatrick? Wait, it hit the ground. And actually that doesn't happen if Marshall doesn't fall down. Bilal Powell just saved the Jets, if only for the moment. Touchdown Marshall! Jimmy Graham flies seaplanes? Isn't he kind of... large for a pilot? Touchdown... Jets? "HIS HAND WAS GOING FORWARD!" LOOOOL. Who was that? Lynch thinks it was Earl Thomas. He also thinks he's wrong. And apparently, Thomas is wrong. This'll stand. Onside kick will lead to nothing. The Jets are running out of time. Interception Fitzpatrick but it probably wouldn't have made a difference. (Seahawks 27, Jets 17)

Oh, NOW they take Cam out of the game and into the concussion protocol. Jones again! He has THREE HUNDRED YARDS?!?! And apparently Derek Anderson has come in and this is an eight-point game now. Well, he just threw a floater that got picked off. Is the Super Bowl losers' curse back in effect? (Falcons 48, Panthers 33)

Flacco under pressure almost throws a crippling interception. The Ravens will absolutely try a field goal from midfield with Justin Tucker. I'm legit surprised they're not doing it. Incomplete. That's a good win for the Raiders right there. (Raiders 28, Ravens 27)

No Bryant? Oh boy. Well if the man can't run it's pretty pointless. Cole Beasley is "a matchup nightmare for any defensive back"? Slow down, Troy. Slow WAY down. Ugly throw by Prescott and the only reason it wasn't intercepted is because the defender didn't see it until the last second. Bailey MISSED? It's the apocalypse. You know this Cowboys defense isn't any good when Blaine Gabbert is doing things against it. That said, Chip's calling too many keepers. Touchdown Jeremy Kerley, who the 49ers got from the Jets after the third preseason game and may be their best receiver.

The Niners still have a few guys on defense. That's a good punt. What's this? A challenge? Dunbar's foot is on the goal line; this'll be a touchback. Seriously, this is way too many quarterback runs. Hyde bounces it outside for the touchdown. That was doomed from the start. Joe and Troy aren't buying the roughing call afterward. OK, it was after the whistle. Buck: "Mark that." Touchdown Williams and I'm not sure how he caught that in the first place. That's because 49ers fans can't get to the stadium or afford tickets, Joe. The Cowboys are crushing this two-minute drill. Williams not playing close enough to the edge again. Touchdown Cowboys and we're tied. That was brilliant. Wait, Vin Scully and John Madden were broadcast partners? That's nuts. Hyde breaking through. Whoa! That's some serious zip on that pass from Gabbert to Celek. Well, that's something. Buck just noted that Siemian (and now Paxton Lynch), Wentz, and Prescott all have former quarterbacks as their head coaches. (He also may have been right about that roughing penalty earlier, as this game seems to have turned on it. We'll see how it plays out.) The Cowboys are upset and think Bethea hit Witten early, but that's a bang-bang play. Bowman down. Non-contact? That's literally never good. And once again we're seeing the problem with Chip's system: This defense looks tired. Elliott just ran right through it. Then he scored and the Cowboys take the lead.

Well, until that. That's a terrible misfire by Gabbert and the Cowboys get it. We got a hot mic? An open door or something? Because something's up: the crowd's suddenly a lot louder than the announcers and the on-field noise. Seriously, Colin Kaepernick can't be worse than this. And Chip still hasn't beaten the Cowboys at home. (Cowboys 24, 49ers 17)

Yeah, they have to run 10 seconds off the clock because of this injury. That's a key tackle to keep Fells inbounds. Interception? Not an interception. But that is. The Rams are 3-1? (Rams 17, Cardinals 13)

Do people even remember Brees with the Chargers at this point? That's Kuhn's third touchdown today? Jebus. I agree with Ronde — the Chargers let him score so they could get the ball back. Getting sacked won't help matters. Neither will fumbling the snap. Nor a long pass that goes off the receiver's fingers on 3rd and 22. An interception? Forget about it. (Saints 35, Chargers 34)

ANOTHER weather delay in Tampa? Seriously? First MRSA, now nature. This all feels like a sign. (Broncos 27, Buccaneers 7)

Chiefs start off going downfield. It works. Steelers start off going REALLY downfield and show the Chiefs how it's done. Le'veon Bell back. Passing on 3rd and 2? That's a penalty. So is that. 2nd and 20? Sweet. DHB ALL ALONE. Touchdown Steelers. Someone blew a coverage. They're going for two? Hm. Jamaal Charles also back, at least in theory. Interception! Smith needed to put some more on that pass. Jones almost scored.

And Antonio Brown does. Now they're kicking the extra point. Strange. Knile Davis fumbled? Shocking. Touchdown Brown and this is getting out of hand quickly. This is also the exact situation you don't want to be in with a guy like Alex Smith as your quarterback.
Sadly, they won't. "Give Me The Night"! Groovy.


Travis Kelce on the sideline is not a good sign if you're a Chiefs fan. Steelers are getting methodical now. Touchdown Road Dogg! Is that rain? It is. The Chiefs are gonna try a field goal here? Bad snap! No good.

Now we're at 36. Grand. That's a catch? OK, sure. Tomlin doesn't think so and we'll have a challenge. Confirmed. That may be the only thing that goes right for the Chiefs tonight, as Kelce just dropped a touchdown. Chiefs to go for it on 4th and goal from the 3. Dropped!

Somehow we went from Vin Scully to Don Rickles. Yes, it's still 36-0.

Chiefs gonna try this again. Touchdown! Kid bobbled it, bounced off two guys and stretched into the end zone. BELL BACK. Then Williams walks in and that's a white flag. I'd be sitting both quarterbacks down at this point. I wonder if they did this piece on this Chiefs lineman doctor planning to use it. This memes segment was not planned on Thursday, I can tell you that. Well, the Steelers have listened to me, at least. Ah, garbage time. (Steelers 43, Chiefs 14)

JoJo's still around? Huh. Moss is taking blowing that horn way too seriously. Good kickoff return by Harris. Nice job, Vikings coverage units. That's a muffed punt and it's Vikings ball. Seriously, what the hell happened to Cordarrelle Patterson? Dude looked like the next Moss his rookie year. This caught the Giants off guard. Asiata vultures a touchdown, as he does. Good thing the Giants kept eight running backs because now they need them. Is someone gonna cross midfield tonight? Eli just threw the ball into the turf for no real reason. Gruden thinks he was expecting Rainey to go out for a screen but he didn't. Strange-looking work on JPP on the sidelines there. Bradford finds Diggs in space. Touchdown Kyle Rudolph. Bradford just looks... comfortable. The thing on Beckham is now everyone knows you can get in his head, and everyone's going to try.

But then he may have just baited Rhodes into doing what he thought he did the play before. This is odd. This isn't gonna work, Giants — the Vikings are too disciplined to fall for this. Vikings running the Wildcat in 2016? Asiata shouldn't try to turn corners. Let's be quicker coming back from break, guys. You almost missed a play there. Now everyone's confused. That was almost a race to see who would have to burn a time out first. And now the Giants get hit with a delay of game. Field goal is still good. Walsh misses, this time indoors. Uh-oh. Eli saw the blitz and tried to adjust, but that's a terrible throw regardless of whether Beckham ran the right route or not. Walsh gets that one.

Good job by Eli to find Will Tye and get out of the end zone. 17-3 Vikings after 3. Paul Perkins? Paul Perkins! And he is TIRED. Darkwa punches it in. Rudolph takes advantage of bad coverage. It was probably you, Collins. Bradford just picking apart what's left of the Giants' secondary. Touchdown McKinnon and THAT was fast. I'm not sure the Giants were ready for that. Eli throws... incomplete. The rest is just marking time. (Vikings 24, Giants 14)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Minnesota (4-0) -- Yeah, I don't believe it, either
2. Pittsburgh (3-1) -- That's how you do vengeance
3. New England (3-1) -- Kind of an "incomplete", but remember who comes back next week?
4. Denver (4-0) -- Though I'm not sure if 16 points per game is sustainable

BOTTOM 4:
29. Jacksonville (1-3) -- Maybe they should move to Vegas
30. Miami (1-3) -- They just can't get it right
31. San Francisco (1-3) -- Blaine Gabbert still doesn't belong in this league
32. Cleveland (0-4) -- May have to get Bernie Koasr out of retirement soon




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