Sunday, October 2, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Crossed Vision

Osweiler! Brissett! THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL! Christ. Nice to see Lamar Miller somewhere where he'll actually get used. Pats just dodged a bullet on that muffed punt. Brissett is one of many recent Florida QBs who never got better at Florida but found Great Success somewhere else. It's the same phenomenon that has kept Jeff Driskell out of baseball. It's been as expected so far. Is Gronk playing? Oh, he's dressed, so probably. Running on 3rd and 9? You do you, Texans. Edelman gets interfered with and he may have to play quarterback at some point tonight. Option!


Rodney Harrison's getting a "Football Life"? That barrel was smaller than I thought. Gronk sighting on 3rd and 1 and they go to him but it's too high. Another fumble on a kick? Yeah, that ball's out and the Patriots should get the ball here. Brissett! That's a terrible attempt at tackling by 29. WRAP UP. Osweiler just threw an unfortunate pick.


That's how you return a kick, Texans. This game has slowed to a crawl. It's like they're playing in molasses. Oh, right, this is Wilfork's return, too. Pats are driving. Amendola! Brissett has plenty of time until he didn't. Now they're working on his hand on the sideline. ANOTHER fumble? Christ. Touchdown Blount, eventually. This is awful.


THE TEXANS HAVE CROSSED MIDFIELD. ALERT. ALERT. And they don't score. Wonderful. At least their defense has been OK tonight.
Now what is it? 2nd and 37?


Touchdown Blount and he's hanging with the Minutemen. There's still eight minutes left? The hell with this. I gotta work in the morning. (Patriots 27, Texans 0)

Signal Finder: DEN @ CIN; WSH @ NYG; CLE @ MIA (end of regulation); PIT @ PHI; SD @ IND (end)

That's not a fumble at the end of that? Perhaps I shouldn't have sat Jeremy Hill in fantasy today.
And still, the Bengals can't get out of their own way. That's the second penalty they've committed on third down. And another one. Now it's first and goal for the Broncos. Bengals got lucky to not give up a touchdown there. Dudes are getting drilled out here — A.J. Green just took a shot. And Siemian's the guy who's been taking most of those hits. Fumble on the punt return? Let's find out.


Jones doesn't think so. That's close. I'm not sure I can overturn that. These refs don't. Nice throw by Siemian to Sanders for the touchdown and Jones has had a bad last two minutes. That's a good grab by Uzamoh. Jeremy Hill's making me regret sitting him. That's his second touchdown today. Are they gonna overturn this Latimer catch? This is taking a long time. They... don't overturn it. Sanders walks into the end zone. Extra point is BLOCKED. There's no reason this catch and fumble shouldn't stand, but the Bengals have lost a lot of these this season already. They get this one, then two sacks later it's 3rd and 22. Oh, wait, now it's 3rd and 28. Dalton maneuverability! And he slid to boot. This kid looks like he knows what he's doing. Touchdown Broncos! They go for two and... no. Three-and-out was the opposite of what the Bengals needed there. Good Lord, that throw from Siemian. And now the Broncos get a pick off a deflection. (Broncos 29, Bengals 17)

The refs are taking no shit today, apparently. We'll see. Why are Norman and Justin Pugh having words? Pugh's the left guard. The hell's this? Someone screwed up fielding that punt and it's Giants ball for the moment. How you hold during a muffed punt is beyond me but the Giants are at the opposing 30. Sterling Shepard's been impressive so far. Touchdown Giants. And Breeland's hurt, which will not help Washington. Don't kick off out of bounds. Washington moving the ball on the ground. Oops. Well, they got three there. Big run by 43. Oooh, Norman almost picked Eli right in front of Beckham. Touchdown Shepard! Third down has been downright cruel to Washington this season. Another field goal. That's a good route on — wait for it — 3rd down by — wait again — Beckham against — one more time — Norman. Fumble? Giants recover but it's a big loss. Eli just got creamed. Crowder ran about 100 yards to return that punt 52 yards. Now they're going backwards. Another field goal. That's a weird camera angle. Vereen fumbles? Who's got it? Giants. And yet ANOTHER bad third down for Washington, as an illegal contact penalty bails the Giants out of 3rd and 14. Touchdown! Oh, look, Chris Baker being a jackass. That's never happened before. 4:06 left in the second quarter and DeSean catches his first pass. That may have been his first target, too. There he is again for the touchdown! Oh, the ball came out? I think Pereira's right and this will stand. Wait, DeAngelo Hall's being carried off? They're running out of defensive backs. Vereen fumbles again and Washington gets it back. Now the Giants are the ones making mistakes. That's why DeSean only runs post patterns. Very strange clock management by Jay to end this half. And Cousins gets sacked and they run out of time. Should have kicked the field goal.


Third and 15 for Washington  and we all know how this ends. OR DO WE? Is Crowder actually their best player?
Cruz! Then Eli throws an interception into coverage in the end zone. Incomplete? This needs to be challenged and overturned because I think that's a pick. Stands? I don't like that. Big break for the Giants, who now kick a field goal to retake the lead. That's big time by Jordan Reed to reach behind him and salvage that. FAKE PUNT!! That's a great throw. Why isn't he the quarterback? Crowder's like 5-foot-9. That's not fair to ask him to do that. Field goal and Washington regains the lead. They're gonna get Norman for a shoulder to Shepard's helmet. Beckham! Beckham again! It's getting heated over there. Interception! And again Eli throws into coverage but that's also a great play by Dunbar, who also caught the fake punt pass.

BLOCKED PUNT! OFFSETTING PENALTIES. The Giants have been killing themselves with penalties. Another Beckham back-to-back. Norman can't cover him but he owns so much space in his head he can subdivide.


Another poor read by Eli and he was lucky that one wasn't picked off. Was that incomplete? Field goal puts the Giants back in front. Whatever happens on this drive, the Giants are going to have time left on the clock after this. 3rd and 3 and Matt Jones loses a yard. Field goal is good. Giants are tracking. INTERCEPTION.


Eli's made some bad decisions today and that will be the last one. (Redskins 29, Giants 27)



There's your MVP. TANNEHILL FUMBLES. BROWNS BALL AT THE 30. Hey, it's Cody Parkey. Not. Even. Close. Is he still hurt? That's so Browns.




The Browns deferred? O...kay. Well, they got a turnover. That went... as expected. Jay Ajayi for the win! (Dolphins 30, Browns 24, OT)

Roethlisberger had plenty of time on that throw to Rogers and the Eagles can't afford that. No pressure from the Eagles front until that sack. Markus Wheaton just dropped a touchdown. LOCKED! That's big. Celek running tough. Sproles! Flag? NO flag. Graham almost stripped Roethlisberger before Hicks got in his face on that third down. Tailgaters! Lot of quick-hitting plays for the Eagles here, with the quick screen to Huff and then the Smallwood run that he almost broke. How did Jordan Matthews score untouched there? Hopefully the Eagles will outscore the Mets today. Jesus Christ. Coates! That's been happening quite a bit this year. Cox just wouldn't let go of Roethlisberger there. This one isn't blocked. Wentz gets out of bounds with great haste. Burton's in the area, arm going forward — that's incomplete. This isn't a great Eagles secondary but you wouldn't know it because the front seven is doing work.




That's a great screen pass to Burton for the first down. Great blocks and setups. But this drive won't last. 13-3 Eagles after a fast first half.
SPROLES! Simms: "He fooled you three times." Nice throw on the run by Wentz. And was that Green-Beckham who threw the last block that allowed him to score? I think it was. These are the Steelers, guys. This is real. The Eagles are challenging this Brown catch on the sideline for... some reason. Confirmed. The Eagles have been gradually getting a little more pressure. Man, two almost-interceptions.


But running in to the kicker will make it 4th and 5. And Jenkins probably should have picked THAT one off. Turnover on downs!


Smallwood's given this running game a boost on this drive. Temple's Tyler Matakevich on that tackle. Touchdown Smallwood! This is shocking. I remember that 2008 game. Really weird game. Ben got his ass kicked. It's amazing what a defense can do when it's not on the field for 40 minutes. Back to back sacks and the second one turns into a fumble and it's Eagles ball. That's good defense on DGB but he still almost caught it. Barner with a big run. More of him, too, please. And then he goes in for the touchdown! The Steelers' defense looks a step slow. This playoff for the Tour Championship is what the kids these days call "lit."


(Eagles 34, Steelers 3)

The Colts would kill for a 1 o'clock local start. Or would it be noon there? And they go to London next week!


Wait, what? Put some time on the clock then. This won't work. (Colts 26, Chargers 22)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: SIX interceptions?? Jebus. That's a benching, right? (Chiefs 24, Jets 3)

No Cutler tonight? Ouch, Dez. That's not the natural motion for the human leg. Two rookies in the Bears secondary? That may not matter. Beasley got trucked. Good Lord. Fox (who is NOT Lovie Smith) is challenging the spot? He's gonna get this. Elliott converts the 4th and 1. Bryant back in. The Bears didn't draft Leonard Floyd to cover people. That's dangerous. It's a touchdown, yes, but it's also dangerous. That is a face mask. It gets weird when a new quarterback starts favoring a different receiver than you're used to. That's what's happening with Prescott and Beasley, and Terrence Williams getting frozen out.


So the Bears screwed up an onside kick. Grand. What's left of them can't contain Prescott. Touchdown Morris. This might be over soon.
Tirico's probably doing this Arnold Palmer tribute at least 50 percent off the cuff.
So the Bears may have almost fumbled the second-half kickoff. Three and out. Hey, there's Terrence Williams. This next drive's going a little better, though. A little.


Bears going for it on 4th and goal from the 2, as they should trailing by 21. Touchdown! That's a fumble and it's Cowboys ball. Elliott just hurdled a dude. Touchdown. Wait, are the Bears driving here? Touchdown Miller. I'm very surprised the Bears didn't onside kick this, given that what's left of their defense hasn't done much to slow down the Cowboys' offense. Or not. There's your first Kevin White NFL highlight. How did he catch that? This is only happening because the Cowboys' defense is terrible. But not terrible enough to not be able to hold off Brian Hoyer, clearly. "A lot of people are being pushed to the edge right now." I see you, Al Michaels. Hey, the Cowboys actually won a home game. (Cowboys 31, Bears 17)

Did Marques Colston finally retire? Saints come out moving the ball. OPI for that? I... don't know. CHICANERY! The Saints pull out a flea-flicker that doesn't fool 41 but it's still caught. That's probably roughing the passer, sure. Touchdown to Coby Fleener, who the Falcons still haven't found. Some poor decisions were made by the Saints on that punt return, and it cost them the ball. And the Falcons cash in.


Freeman is cutting these dudes up. Not that that's surprising. Hey, there's Jairus Byrd! Don't you guys miss Malcolm Jenkins?


That pass interference penalty though. Good job, Saints defense. /sarcasm. I think Gruden's right — I don't think Julio Jones has caught a pass yet. They just ran the Arnold Palmer "This Is SportsCenter" spot. Aw man, Stuart Scott was in this one, too. What's this here now? He's on top of like, two dudes. Call is changed to touchdown Falcons and they're running things right now. 57 yards from Will Lutz. GOOD! Gruden: "John Harbaugh never recommended players to me!" 28-17 Falcons at the half.
No pass rush from the Falcons. Gruden: "All three levels are getting leveled."


That's good work by Lisa Salters on the "Julio Jones doesn't have a catch yet" point. Falcons going for 4th and 1 because why not? This Saints defense can't stop anyone. They couldn't stop Tulane tonight. Three touchdowns for Tevin Coleman, who scored this one untouched. I'm not sure who's playing worse defense tonight: the Saints or Donald Trump. The Saints need this drive and they're getting it. Wait, John Kuhn's not with the Packers anymore? That just seems wrong. I'm with McDonough — it's way too early to chase points. I'll say this — the Saints are putting up a better fight at this point. Matt Ryan keeper? Careful, Icarus. My God he's slow. Hey, the Saints held!
These Katrina stories have been moving. Cool that this guy who was working concessions on the Monday Night game 10 years ago works for ESPN now. There's a pick six by New Orleans native Deion Jones. More Fleener. See, this is an offense that you can just put any old skill position player in and it'll hum. A lot of that is down to the quarterback running it. Touchdown Ingram, and it looks like the Saints caught the Falcons off guard. The Saints still need some kind of stop. And they let Matt Ryan run for 18 yards. Unbelievable. Dwight Freeney's still around? (Falcons 45, Saints 32)

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