Thursday, September 29, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Preparation and Opportunity

Jets-Bills doesn't deserve this much expense. This segment sucks.

Fitzpatrick probably should have just run with that one. That's a good catch.  Fumble! The Jets were very lucky to get that back. There's no reason to challenge this, Rex. They overturned it?!?!?!? That can't have been worth it. And the Jets got the first down anyway. Then Fitzpatrick loses the ball again. That should be an incomplete pass. Good, they got it right finally. Fitzpatrick first down sprint. The Jets keep putting the ball on the turf. BOOM! Marquise Goodwin tried to qualify for the Olympics. You're NOT catching that dude. And Revis got toasted.

Marshall's wincing badly. We get that face mask? He got up and walked off but that doesn't mean anything. Good defense by Goodwin on Revis there. Yeah, that's what I meant. 3rd and 20. Splendid. 3rd and 30?!?! Outstanding.

Marshall's back in. It really does feel like Eric Decker puts up 6-80-1 every week. Fourth and less than 1. E.J. Manuel's coming in? Taylor's split out wide. Sneak! Got it. Now McCoy forgets to go out of bounds. Kick is just good. 20-10 Jets at the half. Between Enunwa and Goodwin, tonight's the night of the No. 4 receiver, apparently. And there's another long touchdown for the Bills, who have been beating the Jets' DBs deep all night. And that's a fumble picked up for another score! Bills lead! Dude's head got knocked into the ball, which made him drop it.
Decker should know better than to toss a ball at an opposing player in front of an official. And then it hit him, which will (and should) always draw a flag.
Marshall didn't need to jump. He thought he did, and he ended up dropping it.
I feel like that's the first Jets run to gain positive yardage. Fitzpatrick looks good on this drive. Touchdown and the Jets are back in front. Taylor just took a shot. Manuel in for real now.

I guess Taylor wasn't finished with the test, because they showed three guys block him after he stood up off the bench. That's underthrown and intercepted.
Hey, a rare big run by Shady these days. Wait, Manuel's back in? Did the ball come out? Guess not. Yeah, Manuel's back in and the Bills are going for 4th and 1 from the Jets 45. Time out. That spot looks like it's short. Denied! Still the right decision.
Solid run blocking on the Forte touchdown. Taylor back in for the Bills. Greg Salas is on the Bills? Good Lord. That wasn't a touchdown? Weird. That's definitely a touchdown by Gillislee. And so ruled. Onside kick fails but the Jets still have to run plays.

I don't get why teams just don't punt it with three seconds left on the play clock. If the ball's in the air, that's 3-4 more seconds the other team loses. (Jets 37, Bills 31)

Signal Finder: CIN @ PIT, DAL @ WSH, SF @ CAR (end), IND @ DEN

Just don't actually kill each other, guys. It is pissing down rain out there. Steelers' second drive and they throw their first pass. 4th and 5 from the Bengals 39 and there's no decision here. Jones would have been better off letting that drop and giving the Bengals 15 more yards. Still not much happening. BOOM! Coates for 40! Touchdown! Maybe? Touchdown. The footing isn't the greatest out there now. Didn't it rain last time, too? THREE fouls on a punt return? And the refs don't even know what they all are. Bengals stay being stupid. Three and out and Dalton got rid of that to save himself. And then on the next Steelers punt, dude called for a fair catch at the 5 and then there was an unnecessary roughness penalty on the Bengals, putting the ball at the 3. Not a good punt from the Bengals' own end zone. Whoa! Who's got this? Interception Bengals! Kirkpatrick had it all the way, too. You'll be seeing Gio and not Jeremy Hill on this series, as this situation is perfect for him. Why does Brandon LaFell keep getting work? Now the one in the end zone wasn't his fault; that was a good play by the rookie Burns. Field goal is good. 10-6 at halftime.

That's a great deep ball by Ben and Coates hauled it in for 53. Touchdown Steelers as Jesse James makes a catch in traffic. The Bengals' receiving corps is A.J. Green and a bunch of dudes. But on this drive, they're working. Jeremy Hill got stuffed. Uzomah couldn't get both feet down before he got pushed. Why not go for it, Bengals? It's raining again. Little late to wonder if the Bengals should have challenged that 3rd down play in the end zone, isn't it, Iain? Like, it happened five minutes ago in real time. Ben escapes the rush (not new) and runs (new) to the 5(!) The Bengals flat-out forgot to cover DeAngelo Williams and the Steelers score again. Bengals coming back with three straight passes to Gio. Has Dalton missed on this drive? Touchdown Gio! The Bengals should have gone for two there, right? They may not get the ball back. Then the Steelers needed to run more clock than that. And the decision to not go for two doesn't look as bad, even though it still kind of is. Did the Bengals just Bengal? Actually, Boyd's knee might be down. That stood? I... don't know about that one.
(Steelers 24, Bengals 16)

Sure. (Giants 16, Saints 13)

The Cowboys' kickoff returners almost collided. That's already more yards than Bryant had last week. And that's more catches. Cowboys are keeping Bryant away from Josh Norman. That's... Prescott ran out of options quickly and that's another red zone disappointment. Washington needs to feed DeSean, like Burkhardt said. That ended poorly. Hey, Alfred Morris back. Penalty? Declined. 4th and 1 and the Cowboys roll out Prescott and he finds... Jeff Swaim? WHO? First and goal! Breeland's shook — he held Cole Beasley, of all people. Cowboys power in for a 10-0 lead. Who did Claiborne hold? He wasn't anywhere near DeSean. Jones... gets the pylon? Can't tell from those angles. Not sure. "Stands" seems right. The Cowboys are doing work up front. This Baker injury leaves Washington really short. OK, he's back. Hey, Washington got a stop on third down for once. Cousins misses Jackson again. I agree with the decision to kick and with Lynch's reasoning — with less than 30 seconds and no time outs left, you don't really have much time left to go for it. 13-10 Cowboys at the half. Washington comes out and gets two early hits on this Cowboys defense. They are marching. Touchdown Crowder.

And the Cowboys are coming right back. Breeland can't catch up with Bryant and that's gotta get fixed. Prescott runs in for the touchdown. Onside kick? Really, Cowboys? Ten yards, you idiot! How many third down situations can this team botch? Field goal ties it at 20. Hey, Josh Norman did something finally! Forced a fumble with a punch. Sweet. Then the Cowboys blitzed everyone (and roughed Cousins in the process) and it's now first and goal. But Cousins missed twice and they had to kick. The tight ends have been cutting the Cowboys up today. And then Cousins throws a terrible interception into the end zone.




Elliott fumbles AGAIN but the Cowboys get it back. Morris in now. And he scores! That's a ridiculous hole. Burkhardt jinxes Chris Thompson on that drop. Then he got wrecked by Sean Lee and Justin Durant. Washington will use the two-minute warning to think about this. They're going for it. NOPE.



Redskins get the ball back. FALSE START. That's a 10-second runoff, too. One more shot. NOPE. (Cowboys 27, Redskins 23)

 This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close:



Garoppolo down? And is that the one play Kiko Alonso makes this year? I don't understand why Jacoby Brissett threw any passes. It was 21-0 when he came in!




I'M SAYING. Tannehill's been on fire in the second half. Gostkowski misses? Wait, this can't happen. Can it? Nope. Order is preserved. (Patriots 31, Dolphins 24)

Vance McDonald? REALLY? Where was the coverage? You have to remember that the Panthers had the highest-scoring offense last year without Kelvin Benjamin. FOZZY. That drive took three minutes off the clock and got the Panthers three more points, which is the least you can ask for. Blaine Gabbert, ladies and gentlemen! Now you're just piling on. (Panthers 46, 49ers 27)

It's like Jeff Fisher only tries to beat the Seahawks. (Rams 9, Seahawks 3)

Good Lord, that hit Cromartie put on Sanders. The Colts cannot afford to lose any more corners. McManus... misses? Oof. This Broncos drive seems easy. Touchdown Anderson and they're back in front. Siemian playing better than he did last week. Cromartie back for the Colts, probably out of necessity. And as soon as I compliment Siemian, he lobs a three-yarder to Darius Butler — who's a Colt — and Butler was going to score until he just fell to the ground. Did he cramp up? Oh, he had a bad ankle? Very strange. Still, Colts ball. I'm not sure how much longer Frank Gore can last. It was a hamstring. Thanks, Tracy. Why is Gary McCord here? Halftime. Luck just ran for 21 yards on 3rd and 20.




Good leaping catch by Dorsett — I didn't think he got his feet down but he did. It's not easy to be offside as a safety but T.J Ward just did it. Turbin scores after two tries and we're... tied, somehow. I feel like this Colts defense wouldn't be good even if it was at full strength. I also think the secondary, where they're missing everyone, was its strength. Still, they hold for a field goal and it's 16-13 Broncos. Talib! Not sure Luck should have thrown that one.


Can't hit a sliding quarterback anyway. Nice tightrope walking by Frank Gore and it's a three-point game.


Strip sack by Miller! Touchdown Broncos! It's over. (Broncos 34, Colts 20)

Let's take the seal off this joint. Sam Bradford? OK. Rooftop acoustics must not be the greatest. I couldn't hear that horn at all. That's the longest pass Bradford's thrown in the NFL. (And it was nowhere close to anyone.) Fumble! Wait, what? They BOTH fumbled? If I'm Zimmer, I might challenge this. And I then thought that shouldn't this be an automatic review because it was a turnover? So still Packers ball. Fine. Lacy does look less fat. Blocked punt! Surprised Montgomery's not back returning it. That's what he did at Stanford. Al: "Terence Newman, still around." That's two PIs on Newman in three plays. Still not a touchdown. Play action! That'll do it.


So many fumbles! And the Vikings keep that one. Gotta say I'm surprised that the Vikings went for it from the Packers' 16. Touchdown Kyle Rudolph! Way to reach for a superlative, guys. We don't need to know Pro Bowl MVP awards. Bradford's running off? Oh boy. Clay's helmet rammed into his hand? Eep. Is this three-and-out good for the Vikings? Bradford's back in. No TV timeout at the 2-minute warning? Oh, here it is. Rudolph does... not get the first down. I mean, they went for it on 4th down earlier from seven yards closer than this. Oh, NOW they're going to kick it. Al: "Blair Walsh needs to make this kick." TOO SOON, MAN! Yeah, that's pretty blatant OPI by Adams. Shame, too; it was a good catch. Bradford's been pretty good so far and Stefon Diggs seems to want to become a Thing this year. No time for Rodgers. Fumble! And the Packers get it back AGAIN! This is unbelievable. Is McCarthy taking a page out of Zimmer's book by going for it here? Maybe. I mean, he didn't make it either. Peterson being helped off. Touchdown Diggs! And Randall held him for about 10 yards.

Are they carrying Peterson through an atrium or something? Is that a restaurant? Who designed this place? Masochists? SICK catch by Nelson in traffic after Rodgers ran around for weeks looking for somewhere to go. Then he himself runs for a touchdown after everything breaks down for the Vikings. (Then he gets hit late and there were... words exchanged.) How the hell does 34 not get flagged for hitting Rodgers? This is not how you answer, Vikings. Someone spotting The Replacements' "Alex Chilton" as a bumper makes me wonder why every bumper tonight hasn't been a Prince song. Get on your horse, SNF DJ. Packers are driving again. THEY LOST A FUMBLE! Well, it had to end sometime. That's a good punt. Interception! And it's Trae Waynes, who's had a rough night.
What a strange game. (Vikings 17, Packers 14)

I didn't realize the Bears had been so bad at home the last two years. Gruden doesn't recognize any of these people. Cutler's already under siege. The Eagles are already moving with pace. One good thing about the Chip Kelly era was very few delay of game penalties. Audible? Sproles? Not Sproles. Going for it. DGB! Took a hit but not soon enough to not get the first. More no-huddle. That's a generous spot. That's a suboptimal ending. The Bears find something with the screen to Royal. Cutler created that one himself and he's still getting no time. Brooks almost comes up with an interception on a 3rd down play. Here is Not Robbie Gould, Connor Barth. CLANG! Alshon Jeffrey just took Jalen Mills to school. Yeah, that's interference. Touchdown Bears.

Uh-oh, it's last year's Jason Kelce again. 3rd and 20? Yeesh. Graham with a sack. Someone forgot to cover Jordan Matthews, and a good throw by Wentz finds him. I'm not sure why the Eagles are running so relatively little, and mostly with Sproles. Burton! And add Roughing the Passer to that. Yeah, blow to the head. Then he takes a lick after that run but he was still inbounds. Good pass breakup to prevent a touchdown. Sturgis good. Eagles spreading things out again. Ohhh Matthews just dropped a touchdown. And then they can't even get closer. 53 yards? GOOD. Bears got away with pass interference on Agholor. What the hell? Cutler stepped right into a sack and fumbled.
Wentz wasn't great on that drive, underthrowing Agholor and getting the next ball knocked down. Where's the running game? No Lisa Salters? Who's this dude? The Bears are running out of guys, it seems. Lot of funky play calling by Pederson. Touchdown Ryan Mathews! He was stuffed and then bounced it outside and away from everybody! It's rare to see defensive players look so openly and obviously confused. Willie Young has no idea what just happened.

Jay Cutler, ladies and gentlemen. Touchdown Eagles. So Salters IS here? Then what's this other guy there for? Cutler being taken to the locker room. It's Brian Hoyer time! It helps to have Alshon Jeffrey. ANOTHER Bears turnover. Is that the third one in a row? (It was the second of a back-to-back and the third in four possessions.) They're stretching out Sturgis's leg? Might explain the missed extra point. I don't like the third down run, Gruden. Especially when your kicker might not be available. I don't get that one, either. What? Penalty on the Bears? Oops. This time Mathews gets it and scores. I still would have thrown on 3rd down, though. Sturgis out for the extra point? Odd. That's some good blocking on that Royal punt return touchdown. That's a sorry onside kick.

(Eagles 29, Bears 14)
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