Thursday, September 15, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Feet First

And we're off.


That's two misses so far. The Broncos have a fullback? Weird. Also weird that they're throwing so early, but they may just be trying to give the kid confidence. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.

Hey, Kelvin Benjamin back. The Panthers missed that dude.


Hey, it's Demaryius Thomas. Haven't seen him since Week 17 last year.
And just as I was about to say how well Siemian was doing so far, that happens. Gotta eat that one, kid.
Whose idea was that shovel pass to Tolbert on 3rd and 6? Because it was a bad one. That's why you go get Andy Lee. Well, no that exactly, but you get my point. Kid has wheels? Hmm. THE FULLBACK JUST SCORED?!? I don't think Janovicz thought he was getting the ball, Cris.





Wait, the Panthers are out of time outs already? This has been a LONG drive. Good job by Cam to get away and find Olsen, who was open because everyone blitzed.


This was a big problem in the Super Bowl — the Panthers' tackles got lit up. Not so much tonight. Gotta wrap up. Too many runs by Newton in this sequence, IMO. Smart of Olsen to dive for the sideline there, and as Cris pointed out, Ward should have tried to touch him down. Take these points. These Broncos turnovers are getting worse and worse. That ball was underthrown and easily picked off. Can't forget about DeMarcus Ware. THAT'S why you go get Andy Lee. Cam's limping? Oh, he got hit by Miller's helmet. Sup, Peyton. Well, Cam's throwing again, so this may have been nothing. Well, he wasn't across the line of scrimmage — ohhh. Face mask on the center.


There's no reason to bring up Cam flossing on the sideline. Man, I thought that completion to Virgil Green was another pick for a second. Touchdown Broncos! Finally they finish a drive. There's no reason that Target ad needed to be that long. Tip drill interception and the Broncos are back in business. Siemian's put the ball into some tight spaces tonight. There's another one. Is Rivera about to challenge a spot? He's gonna win this one, though. Now the Broncos have a choice to make. Kick for the tie, or go for 4th and half a yard? That's... close. It's close to a first down, but nothing else. That third effort may have gotten it. Yep. Whoa! Good thing Kony Ealy was there to, at the very least, postpone the inevitable. Tight end was completely open in the end zone. And there it is. Touchdown Anderson and the Broncos take the lead. The Broncos can't cover Olsen. That's a crucial stop by Talib. The Panthers kick the field goal, showing Rivera's faith in his defense to get another stop. And they got that stop. Good punt... for the Panthers. Lot of confusion here, which is not abated by that explanation. The Panthers are going backwards. That won't help. Miller, finally. Fourth and 21. Hands to the face on the BRONCOS? That's the right call, too. I don't get running there. Aaand that's their last time out. Thank God for Olsen. That's at least the third time the Broncos have gone helmet-to-helmet on Cam.


This is also grounding probably. Offsetting penalties. There's Benjamin, finally. I'd try to get closer. And they do. Nice catch, SPEED 2. THIS NEVER WORKS. Here we go. N... nope? OH MY GOD, IT WORKED? THAT NEVER WORKS. Gary Kubiak is a damn warlock.


(Broncos 21, Panthers 20)

Signal Finder: CLE @ PHI, CIN @ NYJ (end), GB @ JAX (end), NYG @ DAL, DET @ IND (end)

We really do need more instrumental anthems. Remember, touchbacks come out to the 25 now. Who moved? The Browns, that's who. Nice catch, Ertz. He had 75 catches last year? Wow. Touchdown Matthews! Woooo. That's a good throw, too.


Here's how bad things are for the Browns: Terelle Pryor is starting at wide receiver. Not sure why the Browns are rolling out Griffin on 3rd and 9 but whatever. Jamie Erdahl just invented the word "jitterish." Three men on Josh Huff? Seriously? Now who moved? The Eagles this time. Well, they can't all be winners. Sproles? Sproles. That's the first indecision-caused sack. That's... no good. Wait, the one official signaled good while the one on the side where the ball was signaled No good? These Pac-12 refs? Fake punt? Really? Look, Hue. I know your team stinks, but you don't have to make it so obvious.


Have the Eagles run any play-action yet? Wentz rushed that third-down throw and it was high. First down, Cleveland! That's a sick catch by Pryor, push off or not. It occurs to me that we've cut to the studio for an update exactly once so far. Jenkins is mad but that's probably the right call. But after those replays I'm not sure. Touchdown Browns. Who whiffed on that tackle? Looks like Carroll. There's the RG3 everyone remembers. TIP DRILL INTERCEPTION. Wentz is up again. Oh, hey, huddling. Welcome home, Carl Nassib, I suppose.


Wentz threw that third-down pass really hard and it hit Sproles in the hands but he couldn't hold it. Wasn't this kid in the Febreze commercial named "Carl" before? "Why is he "Josh"? And why am I so concerned? Field goal is good. Let's address the Browns' uniforms. It's hard to get something good out of their colors (Virginia Tech has the same problem). But CLEVELAND across the front looks so high schoolish. Crowell does... not get out of bounds.


Why are you previewing the Thursday night game AT HALFTIME ON SUNDAY? That's not how you want to start the second half if you're the Eagles. The Browns have to be pleased, though. Burning a time out already? Not the best look. Good hold. What an odd call. Trent Green just called himself out on calling Wentz "Palmer."
Cheesesteak B-ROLL. FOOTBALL IS BACK. High snap? Safety! Browns gonna Brown.


FOOTBALL IS BACK. The hell? That's Michael Weatherly? Dude looks OLD. Green trying to plug the mothership. Hey, a DGB sighting. Nice hand fake, and good job by Nassib not to fall for it, but Wentz gets the completion anyway. 4th and 3 from the Browns 40 and they're going for it. That should be good... and it is. Touchdown Agholor! That pass looked a lot like the first touchdown.


Hey, a sack finally. How is that offside and not delay of game? Come on, stripes. Big run by Barner, who was the Eagles' best back in the preseason. 22-10 after 3. Barwin sack. Wentz somehow salvaged an incompletion out of that bad snap. They're giving Matthews that? Wow. Replay shows it wasn't as close as I thought, either. Good stuff. Tip drill — salvaged by Agholor? What? How does the quarterback false start? Griffin took a shot from Jalen Mills on the sideline. It's almost like Griffin ran into him, which seems suboptimal. Someone lost a helmet. They are working to get Ryan Mathews this touchdown... and it finally worked.


(Eagles 29, Browns 10)

Wait, how did the Chargers blow... oh, right, Chargers. (Chiefs 33, Chargers 27, OT)

Honestly? Adams; catch was better than Rodgers' throw. Draft underachiever Luke Joeckel with the holding penalty there that may doom the Jaguars. It took away a first down, at the very least. Interception! But defensive holding cancels it out! I have no idea how Robinson got that ball back after it got knocked out of his hands. What the hell was that call on 4th and 1? A screen? With no time outs and 20 seconds left? That's some Mike McCarthy foolishness. (Packers 27, Jaguars 23)

I mean, it doesn't look like the Saints' defense is improved at all. They got it! And now Crabtree's gonna get flagged for a celebration penalty, which is moronic. 61 yards? They're gonna try this? Madness. It's... NO GOOD! Raiders win!


(Raiders 35, Saints 34)

I'm surprised Jason Pierre-Paul can shake hands. YEAH, I WENT THERE. Oh, it's W. and Laura Bush. Nice rotation on the toss, George. The Cowboys got a trumpeter, too? Sweet. Good job by Prescott avoiding the blitz and finding Dez. His helmet looks weird. That's a good stop to save a touchdown, because Bailey's not going to miss this.


Beckham tried to one-hand that one. That doesn't always work. Alfred Morris already? Hm. Doug Free's still on the Cowboys? And Witten gets flagged for holding on the field goal attempt. Of course, Bailey still won't miss.


Ladies and gentlemen, the allas Cowboys.


The idea is to keep the Cowboys' D as underexposed as possible. Dez! Landon Collins is adamant that he didn't have it.


Let's see. That ball is... out of his hands. Good job by Buck to add that supplemental explanation — Bryant was out of bounds before he got the ball back into his hands. Good shot on JPP's new glove. Good run by Prescott. Another field goal? That can't make the Cowboys happy. Victor Cruz lives! And again, this time schooling Brandon Carr. And AGAIN. Does McAdoo know he has all three time outs and he's allowed to use them? There we go. Touchdown Giants! That's Sterling Shepard, the rookie. Extra point no good? And Bullock's been around the block. The Cowboys have pretty much dominated the numbers, yet are down by four at halftime. That's literally the first good play Brandon Carr's made as a Cowboy. Also, I don't know what Aikman's talking about... Eli wasn't under any pressure that I could see. That's, what, Beasley's seventh catch? Is Terrence Williams dead?
Tough running by Elliott, and then an actual touchdown. Yeah, that's a penalty. How is Morris Claiborne still on this team? Nobody's quite sure what that was. Was it a lateral? The Cowboys should have at least considered challenging regardless. Shane Vereen carries? What madness is this?
Oh, there's Williams. Morris gets stuffed. But not that time. Bailey's not going to miss. The Giants are moving the ball again. I'm amazed how much they're running with Vereen on this drive. Try the middle of the end zone, maybe? That throw sailed and carried Beckham out of bounds. SEE? Told y'all. Everybody salsa. Have we heard from Dez since the overturned touchdown? Seems like Prescott's been throwing to everyone else... and missing at bad times. Giants ball and now they're just going to run it if they're smart. Yep, not a single pass play called. Cowboys ball with 1:05 left. They need to hit one of those deep balls. Where is Dez Bryant? What... what did you do, Terrence Williams? Why did you do that? What the hell were you THINKING?




Can you do a sarcastic sad trombone? (Giants 20, Cowboys 19)

GET OUT OF BOUNDS! Megatron would have gotten out of bounds. It's deja vu out here. Are the Lions about to pull a Chargers here? (Really, it'd be more like "reclaiming their birthright".) Prater missed an extra point from that exact spot earlier, they just said. It's... GOOD! Lateral time? This helps no one. I'm sure one of those was an illegal forward pass. Safety! I'm pretty sure the Lions have never won this game before. (Lions 39, Colts 35)

At least now we're doing crappy knock-offs of a song by the artist performing it. But does it count as Carrie's or Miranda's? Because Carrie breaking the sass meter makes the original. Little early for smelling salts, isn't it, Garoppolo? Are all of the Patriots' receivers white guys? Well, the newest one, Chris Hogan, just torched a Cardinals DB for a touchdown.


Good footwork by Floyd to stay inbounds.
It's important to remember that Garoppolo's been in this system for two years already. That's a good escape by White to keep this drive going. This seems close. Field goal is good. Chris Long is angry. They flagged the other guy? OK. Two face masks. Cardinals ball and that's Chandler Jones, who the Patriots traded away, with the recovery.




Look at Goodell out here trying to act like he cares about player safety. HI-larious. Belichick is abusing Brandon Williams, who was a running back until less than two years ago. Blount bulls for the touchdown. Bad decision by Palmer that was almost costly — Fitz wasn't open at all there. That drive was pointless. Fumble! Back to the Cardinals. That was quite a hit Palmer took and a good delivery under that pressure. Twelve guys and you couldn't get a stop? LOL Patriots.


Edelman is the Hogan of the second half, and Amendola's the highest-paid No. 3 receiver in the league. Gostkowski, straight and true. Don't feel bad, Patriots. He does that to us all the time. Good play by the defender to knock that touchdown out of Floyd's hands. Then the Cards come right back and go to Floyd, who gets the first down at the 2. THAT FITZ CATCH THOUGH. Touchdown Cardinals!


Hey, there's Amendola finally. That was fast. Someone's got to stop the Patriots here. There we go. Gostkowski puts the Pats back in front. Two big catches by Fitz and the Cardinals can actually slow down a little now. (They're out of time outs for some reason.) Oh, bad holding penalty. 3rd and 23? Sheesh. That's good for about 19 and that'll work. Here comes the field goal unit rushing onto the field — time-out Patriots? Time out Patriots. Now they're out. Kick is... NO GOOD. Oh, that's a terrible snap. The Pats got a gift and they might start 4-0 regardless. (Patriots 23, Cardinals 21)

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Fumble! Wait, what? Kerrigan lost it again? Steelers eventually recover. The good news is it's still Steelers ball. The bad news is it's 2nd and 22. And a well-blocked screen and a pass to Brown erase that. Then Brown fumbles! Wait? They called it incomplete? Hmmm. I guess there's no "football move." They're reviewing it and it's the same call. 4th and 1 now. Over the top... TOUCHDOWN Antonio Brown!


Cousins got better last year when DeSean returned. I'm surprised he didn't take No. 10 back. That's a dumb penalty. 4th and 6? This one I'm less sure about.


They didn't get it! That's twice now Washington's failed to stop DeAngelo Williams on a short-yardage third down. Third downs have killed the R's on this drive. And then the Steelers get a tip-drill touchdown! This is nuts. The Steelers' ground game isn't being stopped right now. Boswell drills it and it's 17-6. That's four penalties for Washington now. That's been happening a lot — there it was Crowder coughing it up and Garcon finding it. And there's Kirk Cousins. This is a hell of a runback that'll probably be shortened somewhat. Low snap... and a rocket caught by Sammie Coates. He's another one of the guys who will have to replace Martavis Bryant (and Markus Wheaton's out tonight as well.) Then Brown beats Breeland, who's Washington's second-best defensive player.


Also, why isn't Josh Norman on him? Again, it's not like Cousins and the offense haven't moved the ball They just keep bogging down at unfortunate times. I mean, let's see how this next drive ends. Good catch by Garcon. Crowder took a hit. Vernon Davis is here? Oh, hey, a touchdown. Are they gonna kick this or not?


I'm 5 percent surprised they didn't consider going for two here, since they'll have to at some point. Why's Norman running his mouth? That's the first time he's covered Brown tonight. And again the Steelers win on third down.


And it ends with a James Harrison interception. Or not. Whatever. (Steelers 38, Redskins 16)

The best quarterback in this stadium is standing next to Chris Berman. The second-best quarterback in this stadium just took a knee during the national anthem. The third-best quarterback in this stadium might be in street clothes. That's actually a good parallel between the Fearsome Foursome/top RBs and Donald & Co./Todd Gurley. I hope it's true that this whole Kaepernick protest thing has rallied the 49ers around him, because they're going to need him at some point this year. And if Chip keeps running Gabbert like this, "some point this year" might be "in the third quarter."


Of course, the Rams aren't helping matters with Case Keenum taking snaps.
Touchdown Carlos Hyde. Did the 49ers complete a single pass on that drive? I know Gabbert ran four times. Blaine Gabbert, ladies and gentlemen!
Unless Gurley said something to the official, I don't see how that's a penalty. Interception! Interception? Somehow the ball didn't hit the turf, so interception. This move to linebacker has saved Mark Barron's career. More Gabbert running! The biggest criticism of him was always that he had happy feet and was bad at sensing the rush. Touchdown... Shaun Draughn? OK.


Case Keenum isn't good. So how bad is Jared Goff? Or, possibly, Jeff Fisher?


At least Gabbert caught the ball in the end. The 49ers have shut down Gurley and the Rams don't have anything else.


That's in reference to Berman and Young talking about how Chip's always had a great running game. This attempt at consolation to St. Louis fans by Berman is just... strange. Then he threw in a Hartford Whalers reference and it became awkward. Keenum just got thrown to the turf and nothing was called. That's the best run Gurley's had all night. Then Keenum gets sandwiched and one of his linemen gets flagged for hands to the face. I'm not sure I see this getting better. Tavon Austin punt return! Tavon Austin catch! Hey, the Rams might score here! Or not.


Quinton Patton just ran out of bounds and fumbled. Touchdown? Was his knee down first? I guess not. Touchdown. Apparently somebody just ran onto the field and outrushed Gurley to do it. And now we've got a fight? Sure, why not. There's still seven minutes left? Jebus. Aaron Donald's having a bad night. That's pass interference and the Rams have lost their cool. That's a touchdown. Is Kaepernick coming in? He looks like he's loosening up. I'm with Steve: At least TRY to get a first down, Rams.


Kap enters to mostly cheers. Good job, Santa Clara. (49ers 28, Rams 0)


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