Saturday, October 22, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: In Need of a Jump Start

Is this Drunk History? And they don't even play in the city anymore. Stanton instead of Palmer tonight for the Cardinals. Three punts, no completions. This is where we are with these two teams. No wonder nothing's happened yet. Gabbert's so bad. No accuracy whatsoever. No way John Brown saw Cromarty coming on that punt. Stanton not doing much either. It occurs to me that Phil Simms is the best quarterback in the building tonight. That's a face mask.


Rick Porcello's throwing better than these two clowns tonight and he just gave up three home runs.
Interception! Fitzgerald! Touchdown Cardinals. Wait, when did the 49ers score? Did I seriously miss it? I legitimately don't remember. Was I watching baseball? I mean, I've forgotten how bad these Thursday night games always are. Apparently Jeremy Kerley caught a touchdown pass before the Gabbert pick that led to the Fitzgerald score. I said this last week: Kerley's been there six weeks and is the 49ers' best receiver.




Jesus, Chip. Slow down, motormouth. 7-7 at halftime. That was a mistake. Oh, that's the Davis from Auburn who returned the missed field goal against Alabama? Huh. He's better than that. Running Into The Kicker call on the 49ers will take this field goal off the board and give the Cardinals a first down at the 4. Touchdown David Johnson. Johnson's loose again. Touchdown Fitzgerald! Gabbert's best plays this season have all come while running. Touchdown Carlos Hyde. Thanks for that, Jay Feely.
This just in: Gabbert just threw an interception. The Cardinals won't get a touchdown here, settling for three. 24-14. Johnson just ran through the 49ers' defense again. And again. That's another touchdown and that should do it.


Why are people still making excuses for Blaine Gabbert? I guess with Tebow in baseball, they need someone. (Cardinals 33, 49ers 21)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ PIT, PHI @ DET, NE @ CLE (end), WSH @ BAL (end), CIN @ DAL

Tom Brady with four games less rust? Against the Browns? Please. Oh, God, no. Now Kessler's hurt?
The problem with this is they can't put Terrelle Pryor at quarterback because then they won't have any receivers.


What else do you want me to say here? A rested Brady killed these guys.


(Patriots 33, Browns 13)

NO!! NOT THE PRISON JERSEYS!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!! This is also a bad time to not have Revis. See? Sick throw by Roethlisberger and Coates roasted his man. Marshall with the circus catch! And that should have been intercepted — the coverage was good. This is a great two-minute drill by the Steelers. And it gets paid off with the Jesse James touchdown. Calvin Pryor just saved a touchdown on that punt return. Coates just had a touchdown fall through his hands. Tough to settle for three after an opportunity like that but the Steelers do. 17-13. Nick Mangold going off the field? That's also bad for the Jets. Roethlisberger finds Brown because that's what he does. Why are the Jets punting here down two scores? This has not been a well-coached game by the visitors. Steelers just walking it down now. (Steelers 31, Jets 13)

Tate in the backfield? OK. Stafford has way too much comfort. Tate again? I forgot Boldin's on the Lions now. Touchdown Lions and that was disturbingly easy. Then the Eagles steal that play for Huff and it gets  a first down. Did that pass bounce off Agholor's helmet? The Eagles look rusty after a week off. Yep, that's a penalty. Can't touch a sliding quarterback. And Tate in the backfield pays off with the fake, allowing Riddick to stroll into the end zone. Let's downgrade "rusty" to "clueless" after that.

Wentz putting together a good drive here. Sproles! So many fakes being called so far. They're not gonna get this off. Nope. They regroup and Wentz finds Mathews for a touchdown. Why is Theo Riddick unstoppable? Don't challenge spots, Doug. So the Eagles actually won that challenge, but it doesn't matter because the Lions are going for 4th and 1. Stafford gets it anyway. The Eagles can't cover any Lions running back. Cox ripping Stafford's helmet off draws a flag and negates a third-down sack. That jet sweep is unstoppable. And Stafford finds Marvin Jones in the end zone. That drive was extended by two mistakes and that's what happens. That's not a chop block by Sproles. Nice catch by Jordan Matthews that gets canceled out by a penalty that doesn't make sense. NOW what are they doing? Oh, they picked up the flag, which was clearly the right decision. 


3rd and 36? Christ. Wentz finds Ertz to get into field goal range, at least. Good after some Lions timeout jackassery. 21-10 Lions at the half.


Green-Beckham got away with a face mask on that stiff-arm. Wentz with the "Excuse me" flip to Huff for the touchdown. Did the Lions get caught by their own picks? Looks like it. Fumble? Fumble! Eagles ball! DGB had a shot at that one but that's a difficult catch to make. The Lions' kickoff returners are making poor choices. Fourth and short for the Lions at the Eagles 43. Still can't stop Riddick. That, however, is a good stop. That's a good angle from the end zone showing that the defender's foot was on the line, saving the Eagles 19 yards in field position. That pass protection. How is a guard that far downfield in the first place? The refs haven't been great today but the Eagles really haven't helped themselves. Another Sturgis field goal gives the Eagles the lead. Four-minute offense time. So much passing. Mathews fumbles! Lions ball! How are the Lions out of time outs? What are we looking for? If the guy who knocked the ball back inbounds was on the sideline?


There's absolutely no way to overturn this, and they don't. Stafford running maybe note the smartest thing. Tate gets to the 10, and then Mills hits him in the head. Charles Davis thinks they flagged Bennie Logan when it was actually Mills. The Lions... do not take a lot of time off the clock. The problem now is Wentz hasn't had to do this in a very long time. And he throws an interception on the first play. I don't think Agholor knew the ball was coming. And why throw deep on the first play of the drive into tight coverage?  (Lions 24, Eagles 23)

Hoyer throws for almost 400 on you and you still win? You lead charmed lives, Colts. (Colts 29, Bears 23)

Yeah, one foot inbounds only works in college. You can't ask Mike Wallace to work in the middle of the field like that. (Redskins 16, Ravens 10)

I mean, y'all did this last year, too, Falcons, and we know how that ended up. I'm just saying. (Falcons 23, Broncos 16)

Phil Simms loves purple, doesn't he? Nice mouthpiece, Whitehead. I thought the Bengals' defense was good. Is Bryant playing? I guess not if Whitehead's making catches. Zach Martin just killed a guy on that Elliott touchdown. Now, the Bengals' offense can do plenty of work against this Cowboys alleged D. Or not, at least not on this drive. Man, the Bengals' front is getting destroyed right now and there's no help in the secondary, either. Another touchdown. No?? Illegal shift? LOL. Then the Bengals commit a penalty and give the Cowboys new life. Prescott runs in untouched.


Burfict is a defensive leader? That's a terrifying thought. Simms is absolutely right, with one caveat: The Cowboys aren't playing man-to-man because nobody on their roster can cover A.J. Green man-to-man. And yet the Bengals still haven't looked in his direction. What am I seeing right now? This Bengals defense is getting gashed. Witten looking spry on that catch and run. Beasley scores untouched. It's 21-0 and it could easily get a lot worse. I... might have thought about going for that 4th and 1, actually. It's far past time to panic. It's amazing that this trash Cowboys secondary has managed to keep Green completely silent. There he is! Nantz was as excited as anyone. Good defense by... Morris Claiborne? What is happening here? Nugent MISSES the field goal! This is wild. Oh Lord. Elliott just took it 60 yards to the house on the first play of the drive. 28-0. Now Jeremy Hill, who seems to have barely played today, is holding his chest like he's having an attack. Pretty sure Dalton's the Bengals' leading rusher today. They're working on Hill's arm. Bengals still not doing anything. The Cowboys got Cole Beasley being covered by a defensive end on 3rd and 9. You can guess how that turned out. Then they hit Elliott out of the backfield for 32 more. Prescott... fumbles? That's his first turnover and the Bengals finally get a break. FALL ON THE BALL YOU IDIOTS. The Bengals are... driving? Wilcox just gave Green the Triple H spinebuster. Touchdown Bengals! Brandon LaFell caught it, which is a story in itself. (Cowboys 28, Bengals 14)

Dear Lord, Chargers. Dear. Lord. The Chargers have tried, but man, they're so decimated by injuries. And then THAT happens. Tom McCarthy's calling NFL games. CBS must be desperate. That's a fantastic punt. Dexter McCluster's on the Chargers now? Hm. Just throw it deep. Seriously. (Raiders 34, Chargers 31)

I just figured out what else I don't like about NBC's bastardization of "Somethin' Bad": No Miranda! It just doesn't sound right with Carrie carrying the vocals by herself. I'm with Al: I'd take the ball if I were the Giants and won the toss. Man, the Packers are living' right with that kind of scheduling. Lacy with the energy to fight for more yards. What exactly was Davante Adams doing there?
Rodgers has so much time. Nobody must be open. So he runs for it and gets it. Nelson lays out for the touchdown catch.


Must be freezing up there. It's only October 9! Lot of confusion here on this possibly touchdown. Offsetting penalties, so no score. Then an interception. So we've got a flag on this, too, and this is similar to what happened to Nick Foles against the Redskins a few years ago. Can't interfere with the punt returner, dudes. Lacy just trucking people. Then he runs into former college (and high school, too, apparently!) teammate Landon Collins. This is close for Adams. Refs discuss and rule he got to the end zone.


That could be Jenkins' second pick tonight. It's definitely the second time Adams has misjudged a pass. Giants ball.


Man, if Tye catches that, he walks into the end zone. And the Packers get a sack-fumble on the next play. Uncanny. Field goal ends the first half. 17-6 Packers. As Cris is alluding to, I'm surprised we haven't heard more from Cruz tonight. The Giants again making good use of their eight-deep running back depth chart, but they still can't cash in. That sack hurt. Where's Lacy? This drive has been mostly James Starks, The Packers have to kick this and they do. 20-9. This is a catch, right? Yeah, that's a catch. That's pathetic, Giants. No. 22 just carried half your team about eight yards. Giants hold the Packers to an other field goal but they're running out of time. Eli almost threw another terrible interception. I mean, technically he did, but Burnett dropped it when he hit the ground. "There is no foul on the play. There is no play." Wait, what? Beckham! Beckham? Oh this one is CLOSE. I think it stands. Touchdown Giants. Careful with that net! Short pass to Starks, who fumbles? But the Packers recover. Hmmm.


The Giants aren't going to get the ball back, are they? Perhaps they should have tried an onside kick. (Packers 23, Giants 16)

Kind of amazed this game's being played and that this field is playable. Panthers come in quite shorthanded — no Cam, no Stewart. No Doug Martin tonight? Jacquizz Rogers getting all the run early. And now, a kicker the Bucs traded up to draft. Hey, he made it. Anderson’s not happy with Brown after that incompletion and is letting him know it. SPEED 2 muffed the punt and it's Buccaneers ball. False start screws up a 3rd and short. That's good defense right there. Aguayo again. CLANG! Still 3-0. Hey, a Greg Olsen sighting. Tip drill interception and it's Bucs ball AGAIN. Literally nothing has happened in this game. Winston fumbles? Oh, the Bucs got lucky to get that ball back. Evans with two straight catches before limping off. Winston rushed that throw and we're trying another field goal. This one's good. Big catch by Olsen, getting open and getting out of bounds at the Tampa 20. The Panthers have time to take one shot into the end zone. Settle yourself, Coach. They did! Good job, Rivera. Gano misses! 6-0 at halftime and this has been awful. The Panthers have had no running game tonight, so they're going to need those big plays from Olsen and Benjamin wherever they can get them. Olsen again and it's first and goal. Somehow Anderson threw a pass too high for Benjamin. Fourth and goal and they're going for it with no Cam? Did he make it? Apparently! Is this a catch? I don't really think so. And it's not. Olsen's having a quarter. Touchdown and THAT was quick. Drive took 1 minute, 45 seconds. Here come the Bucs with a big play of their own. Touchdown Mike Evans! The Bucs are going for two here, as they should. Got it!


That was an ill-advised Cam Newton impression by Anderson and it cost them the ball. The Bucs needed to capitalize on that and they didn't. The Panthers got both lucky that wasn't intercepted and unlucky that Olsen fell, or he may still be running. Why is Chris Conte still in the league? Whitaker almost scores the same way he did score earlier, but his stretch comes up short. Interception Brent Grimes! Why would you call a pass play there when you're running over them? And here come the Bucks. That'll be 15 more yards after the big catch by Evans. That's some stupidity right there by A.J. Klein. Gruden: "330-pound man goes flying out of the pile, something happened." McDonough now pointing out that the Bucs can't necessarily rely on their kicker. Bad decision by Winston but he got away with it. Aguayo misses AGAIN! This is unbelievable. The announcers are now wondering why the Buccaneers ran on third down before that. Dirk Koetter playing for a tie, obviously.


Why are the Bucs running the ball? Medical time out? The hell is going on out there? Oh, clock issue. Gruden's as incredulous as I am that Evans was left uncovered. I'm still wondering why he's the only wide receiver on the field. Strong throw by Winston to Vincent Jackson. Wait, he's not out of bounds. What's going on here? Win or lose, this is terrible play calling by Koetter. Here's Aguayo again, for better or worse. IT'S GOOD!


(Buccaneers 17, Panthers 14)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Minnesota (4-0): All warriors need rest
2. New England (4-1): Eh, Gronk’s a little rusty still
3. Dallas (4-1): Oh, no...
4. Seattle (4-1): It still counts

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (1-4): I mean, seriously, that’s a waste of a godlike performance
30. San Francisco (1-4): Just a listless effort
31. N.Y. Jets (1-4): What happened?
32. Cleveland (0-5): Brian Sipe is next
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