Wednesday, December 30, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Out and Over

I assume Naya Rivera's brother is still on the Raiders given the ads. That's a tipped pick. Hayden and Woodson almost collided. Wait, that's only the Chargers' fourth rushing touchdown all year? Feels like every Raiders receiver's been covered on this drive. Yet they're making catches. Touchdown Murray. That's how you find space. That moon's not ominous at all. Not the best throw by Rivers.


That's an unfortunate bounce on that punt. You know who's good is Philip Rivers. That slant to Inman was perfection. Del Rio played baseball in college, too? Did not know that.


Holmes almost made a great catch that may or may not have counted anyway. I still can't believe the Raiders drafted a kicker in the first round. He better be making history. LOL at Simms trying to get Nantz to sing to the Pointer Sisters. Oh boy, a spot challenge. That should stand. Fake punt? Fake punt! Aaand it won't count. Did I just see a "Lennay Kekua" banner? Ice cold, Black Hole. Ice. Cold. (And Te'o might be on IR, actually.) Taylor Mays is still in the league? Field goal is good and it's 17-10 Chargers. This last-minute drive has been run about as badly as you can. The Chargers blew up the Hail Mary attempt, so now we have whatever this is. Cooper just threw a pass back about 20 yards. So much comedy.


Nantz is telling us that that's -20 for Cooper's receiving stats. Did that guy just slip for no reason? We got a challenge on this? This is an easy one and is incomplete. Malcom Floyd's been around 12 years? Wow. Here's a "here's why we haven't mentioned Khalil Mack's name all night" montage. Safety! Oh, Te'o's playing. Never mind. Meanwhile, the Raiders' offense has also been stifled. THAT looked dangerous. The Chargers are moving here. Woodhead complained too much, methinks. Or maybe it was a coach? I mean, there wasn't any pass interference there. So now it's a 53-yard field goal attempt and it's good. Defensive holding on the Raiders? That was 4th and 25 and now it's an automatic first down! Touchdown Chargers! No flag. What? Incomplete? Yeah, I have to stop doing these. That's not a catch either. So after all that, they ended up gaining five yards on this field goal attempt. AND NO POINTS. This fucking game. And then they cough it up on their next drive! GET DOWN, BIG MAN. Touchdown Crabtree! Raiders lead! So who's editing these live mics? Banner covering up the play clock? Only in Oakland. I don't even know who Rivers is throwing to any more. Field goal up and we're tied. Well, that was weird. I don't think it'll give either team an advantage in the long run. Overtime. Remember on this challenge, there's no more force out rule, which is stupid. Rivera knew that penalty was going to be on his team. Crabtree had to double back and almost didn't get the first down. Touchdow—NO! Holmes juggled it and couldn't stay inbounds. Woodson's in? He wanted to pass there. That was absolutely done on purpose, by the way. Field goal and the Raiders... lead? That was all the first drive? Good Lord. That Rivers pass goes nowhere. Everyone ran to Woodson. SPEECH. Goodbye, Oakland? (Raiders 23, Chargers 20, OT)

That's, what, one run so far on this drive? OK, probably two after that pass interference call. Touchdown Mathews.


That was... almost a catch. Peters down again? I honestly wonder how much longer he's going to be around. Here we have two quarterbacks who have been better than their reputations lately, but you would be foolish, I feel, to invest in long-term. Jordan Reed is going to be a problem, more so than Desean because he only runs one route. And Reed just clowned Ryans on the touchdown. Fisticuffs? Flags everywhere. Wait, that was a miss on the extra point? And Reed again.


Three straight penalties. Splendid. Then Ertz gets wide open and Bradford overthrows him. Thank God Celek fell on that. Get up, stripes. Breeland messes with that throw and Agholor can't bring in the touchdown (and Breeland had a better shot at it than Agholor, actually). The Eagles' defense is smothering the Redskins on this drive so far. And then Ertz just gives the ball away. And then the refs get the replay ruling wrong. How are we at the 2-minute warning already? Trent Green's making a good point: why are the Redskins not running the ball to use clock? And then Bradford gets sacked. That's two straight sideline completions for the Redskins. Thurmond just  got caught cheating trying to bat that ball away after the Reed catch. Chip's all "What the hell?" And now so am I. Cousins forgot to spike the ball? They're not going to get ANY points? Good God.




How the hell isn't that a catch? Bradford and Cooper don't know either. I mean, Cooper's down, is he not? LOL at Green catching Kerrigan trying to flop for a safety call. Garcon just helped Cousins covert 3rd and 13. And Pierre Thomas just picked up a 3rd and 13. And Chris Thompson just caught a touchdown pass between Jenkins and Alonso. This game's over. Good return by Huff. Murray! Hey, there's Ertz again. That's the second time Bradford's and Agholor have missed a touchdown. Touchdown Murray! Listen to that cheer. Did Bradford drop the snap? Wet balls, man. Put on some gloves or something. And there's the payoff. Murray fumbles, and DeAngelo Hall picks it up and scores. NOW it's over. Chip's all "This is why I've basically benched you the last two weeks."


There's always an air of suspicion when Eagles opponents get injured during a drive that's going well, but especially when it's the Redskins. Why is DeMeco Ryans covering a wide receiver? This drive's still going? That's the first clock stoppage on this drive? The Eagles have been horrific on 3rd down and long tonight, and Garcon just caught the touchdown pass that will finally end this farce of a season. Hey, the Sixers are up 16 on the road!


And the Suns immediately score 7 in a row. Some dude just hurdled the entire Eagles' line and sacked Bradford. Did Chip really almost punt there? Oh, hey, a meaningless touchdown. That'll look good on the stat sheet. Wait, the Eagles had all four running backs active? Oh, well.


Enjoy getting slaughtered by Seattle in two weeks, Redskins. (Redskins 38, Eagles 24)

Signal Finder: PIT @ BAL, CAR @ ATL, IND @ MIA (end), NE @ NYJ (end), GB @ AZ, STL @ SEA (end)




Monkey-wrenching the Steelers playoff hopes is all the Ravens have left. But it's SO MUCH. Lot of running plays early. Three tight ends on 3rd and 4 and you pass? OK. Steelers go for 4th and 1 at the Ravens 26 and it's not even close. Ryan Mallett's starting? Good Lord. This isn't actually grounding. This is a good drive. Chris Matthews landed with the Ravens? OK. Touchdown Ravens and that's bad news for the Steelers. The Ravens need to bring their safeties up because the Steelers are running wild on them. And then they find Brown in the corner of the end zone. How is that not complete control? These rules, man. And now they won't even get a touchdown. This is interesting — I'm not sure Gay actually touches Givens here. Tomlin throws a flag but it's not a Steelers challenge? That's weird and Harbaugh's not happy about it. Now can Harbaugh challenge this? He's gonna try! That's also a bad decision.


Interception? Interception. 13-3 Ravens. Two pass interference calls on the same drive? The Ravens are BACK, ladies and gentlemen! Touchdown Steelers and it's closer. One too many pump fakes, Ben. Mallett's making throws out there. That's a big 3rd down pickup. Touchdown Ravens! The Steelers are gonna lose, guys. A tipped pick-six by the Ravens and that will ice it. THE RAVENS WERE OFFSIDES HOLY SHIT. And two plays later Williams scores a touchdown. And in typical Ravens fashion, Upshaw — who lined up in the neutral zone to nullify the interception — is complaining about a hold that didn't happen.
The Ravens haven't given up the ball. Do you punt here? I think you have to. If this result ends up costing the Steelers the playoffs, it will make the Ravens' season, I guarantee you that. (Ravens 20, Steelers 17)

That's White and... Tillman getting into it? Good job by THESE refs to stamp that down quick. We don't need a repeat of last week. Freeman just made Keuchly look foolish and that doesn't happen often. This drive is interminable. Freeman cruised into the end zone thanks to Jake Matthews' block.
Ryan's holding his side? Hmmm. Weird sidearm throw by Ryan to avoid getting killed, and the ball was knocked down, so it's not grounding. He couldn't escape that one, though. Jones! And tack on an easy horse collar call. There's some underrated mutual dislike in this one, too, as we've seen already. This Cam run, though. Never challenge spots. Oh, hey, it worked! Then Cam holds the ball too long and then turns right into a sack. Corey Brown just saved Cam from a terrible interception.


All that and they miss the field goal afterwards? That's so post-September 2015 Falcons. The Panthers did that right. Ryan just tripped over his own center. Julio Jones just killed everyone. My God. As great as Kuechly is, that's too much to ask. The Falcons almost got another interception. Jones again! What the hell was THAT? A bad snap? It's Panthers ball. Cam just missed Olsen and he's been off this half. Field goal good. OK, FOX put up a graphic with the Falcons' playoff chances (1.26%) and somehow Broncos-Chargers is involved. Now the Panthers can't slow Freeman down. Are they gonna get the ball back? Yes, because of this third-down stop. All right, Cam. Time to handle the Falcons' relentless pressure one more time. NOPE. What in God's name is this play calling? That didn't even take 20 seconds off the clock. Now the Falcons have to kick a 54-yard field goal with a new kicker. And he made it!


Then Joe Webb almost ran the kickoff out from 9 yards deep. Another blitz and Cam fumbles. NOW it's over.




(Falcons 20, Panthers 13)

Meanwhile, the Dolphins have given up. How do you tackle a 32-year-old man that poorly? Sound the Charlie Whitehurst alarms! Why are we watching this meaningless game, Fox? Oh look, Tannehill got sacked again. This win actually eliminates the Jaguars, of all teams. (Colts 18, Dolphins 12)

Wait... the Patriots did what?


Always follow instructions. JETS WIN! JETS WIN!! JETS WIN!!!


And with the Steelers losing, the Chiefs, who have low-key won 9 in a row now, are in the playoffs. (Chiefs 17, Browns 13; Jets 26, Patriots 20, OT)

Man. It's a Packers takeover in there. But I feel like most Cardinals crowds are like this. Is this a catch? Rodgers makes the across-the-body throw they tell you never to make but Adams couldn't get his feet down after some discussion. Punt coverage has been on point so far. Fitzgerald? Finally a touchdown. The hoodie just looks weird on Jones but it's working. Agree with Joe and Troy that it's now become a good luck charm. David Johnson does that, as we saw last week. That play reminded me of how Kaepernick destroyed the Packers regularly with his speed on the edge. Fake punt? Success! The Packers' offensive line is injured and mostly not good. Were those back to back? Yeesh.


DEFENSIVE END INTERCEPTION ALERT. Daniels should've been a Pro Bowler, not that anyone cares any more. What I can't understand is why Rodgers isn't just running out of these situations when everyone's covered. No reason to throw that pass. Floyd just outran four Packers. Somehow John Brown caught that ball in traffic and avoided being tackled by any of the three Packer defenders around him. Now Starks fumbles and the Cardinals recover. Johnson on the outside again. I don't think he made it but we'll see. Oh, all right then. Rodgers is getting destroyed out there. The Cardinals covered Adams about as well as the Packers have protected Rodgers. That's not a smart move. Ouch! Good thing Rodgers got this one back. ANOTHER sack-fumble. Touchdown Cardinals! This game's OVER.


Time to switch the feed, I think? Maybe if nothing happens here. Packers might as well try this on 4th down. Good! Hey, Lacy's alive again. Nice route. Touchdown Packers.


Good call, Barnwell, even if it didn't work out. Why is Rodgers still in this game? Seriously? (Cardinals 38, Packers 8)

Really, Seahawks? Why can't you beat the Rams? Hey, a meaningless touchdown. (Rams 23, Seahawks 17)



FLEXING. Whoa, did they edit Beckham out of the intro this week, too? Cold. I mean, that's mostly true. Lot of power programs on that Vikings offensive line. Why does Landon Collins sound like he's from the islands? I don't love these Vikings receivers. That punt was shanked. Eli's going to struggle tonight without Beckham.


Hey, the Vikings are driving. Good play by 31 to swipe at the ball and prevent a touchdown. This is why the Giants are bad. Lack of talent, sloppy execution. Collinsworth talking about "the glory days" of Pierre-Paul back in 2011. Vikings running back not named Adrian Peterson finds the corner and scores... or not, as the play never counted. Rudolph was covered but he wasn't, if that makes any sense. The guys are opining on Beckham's actions last week and it's like I said: The old Tom Coughlin wouldn't have let that happen. And the officials are at fault for not stomping it down immediately. And Cris nails it at the end — Beckham failing that test only means he's gonna get it even worse from now on. But can you have a teachable moment without a teacher? Hey, nice pass to Jennings out of the backfield. Giants settle for three. Oh, they brought Meriwether back? That's desperate times, man. Another not-great Vikings punt. Reuben Randle is bad. Harrison Smith is good — he didn't even deviate from his path. It was a straight line to the end zone. They missed the extra point? Oops. And Eli gets sacked. Look at the Vikings making moves downfield. Whoa, those 70's-era Golden Gophers unis. Hey, that's Dungy! Field goal... good. As if on cue, the Giants give up a big play after putting together three, four decent defensive stops. Bridgewater got flushed from the pocket twice. Hey, there's some Prince! Eli got baited into that one.


How is dude named "Captain"? We need to explore this further.


Oh, Vikings-Packers is SNF next week. Looks like FOX lost the battle. Also looks like Bucs-Panthers got moved to 4:25 in exchange. By the way, it's 32-3 Vikings. Oh, hey, Randle scored.


Yeah, he punched a dude. Ryan Nassib is in and you know what that means. Hey, a touchdown pass. That'll look nice on the theoretical mantle. (Vikings 49, Giants 17)

These teams played on MNF in Cincinnati LAST season. Oh, these guys are from Denver? Cool. Way to fight for yards, Gio. Too much air under that one, A.J. But not that one. Has every play on this drive gone to the left side?


Good Lord, McCarron looks like a world-beater right now. He can run, too? NO ONE TOLD ME THIS DUDE COULD RUN. He's cutting the Broncos up. Touchdown Sanu and I'm legitimately shocked at how well this has gone so far.


Nugent's gonna miss this. Tirico just name-checked Dan McGwire as another really tall quarterback. Dan McGwire was a bust. Oops, they lost Sanders. I'm not sure going deep right away to start the second half is the best idea for the Broncos. It seems like Osweiler has more chemistry with Sanders than Thomas. I say that as Thomas just catches a tough pass over the middle. Oh man, TAFKA Pacman Jones whiffed on that tackle attempt and Sanders is in the end zone. The Broncos needed that. That's a pretty bad miss on that face mask. Oh, they DID call it eventually. They had to look at the Broncotron? Everyone seems to have figured everyone else out. It's a chess match now.


Anderson broke one tackle and that was it. Now what, Bengals? Ah, rampant disorganization. That's... an interesting way to go. Great play by Harris to foil that bomb to Green. Good job by Eifert's replacement getting the first down. McCarron misses Green again and the Bengals have to kick. We're tied. The fans caught Peko cheating being hurt. Heh. Fumble? Fumble! Big hit and it's Bengals ball and Anderson's still down. It didn't look like he got hit in the head. This is not what the Bengals needed. They had to burn a time out right after getting the ball back and then McCarron got sacked. Daniels! Daniels again! What did Osweiler just do? Isn't that technically a loss of yardage? JEBUS. That's one of the worst misses I've ever seen.




Osweiler trying to replicate the Tebow playoff pass there. Once again Burfict does something stupid. Guy's out of bounds and you keep shoving. Daniels got drilled and couldn't hold on, and I don't blame him. That's a key stop because that forces the field goal. Hmmm. Tirico and Gruden think it's a fumble. So does Gerry Austin, which means it's not. That's close. Oh, right, if it was a fumble the game would be over. THAT'S a fumble... and such a Bengals way to lose. (Broncos 20, Bengals 17, OT)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (14-1) — It had to end sometime
2. Arizona (13-2) — Hitting peak efficiency
3. New England (12-3) — That's gotta sting
4. Denver (11-4) — Taught themselves something on Monday night

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (4-11) — Yet another crusher
30. San Francisco (4-11) — All of this could have been avoided
31. Tennessee (3-12) — Do people go to these games?
32. Cleveland (3-12) — So close... and yet, you knew how it was going to end
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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Their Brand Is Crisis

HOLY HELL, RAMS. We got ketchup and mustard out here. Even the logo's been infected. This is not the way to say goodbye to St. Louis, guys.




Gurley just sprinted halfway down the field. Nice initial block on the screen to Austin that set it up. Aaron Donald was not fooled by that play fake. Still, that was good work by the Bucs to even get that much.
Kenny Britt just set that guy on FIRE. Wait, Martin's closing in on a JAMES WILDER record? That's how bad the Bucs have been for most of their history. Lovie and Jameis are mad about something. 4th and 1? NOPE. No way would I have tried to run into the middle of that line. And this subsequent Rams drive has made that seem like a turning point. There's no run Gurley can't make. Touchdown! And 1,000 yards exactly, apparently.


Been an up and down year for Mike Evans, mostly on plays like that. This is their best drive of the game. Well, until that 3rd and goal miscommunication. At least they got points this time. Austin just slipped and slid through the Bucs defense again. Now we've got a fumble. Wait, what? What's Animal Jr. doing? Oh, they said the receiver wasn't touched and that ball was still live? That's frightening and hilarious. Mostly frightening. And that's a touchdown. Holding on the 2-point conversion? THAT'S hilarious. That's the second big return by Cunningham tonight but it never felt like he was going to take it to the house. Mike Jenkins is still in the league? Jameis is mad at SOMETHING. A touchdown here and the Bucs are still in this game. Not sure I'd have thrown three straight times, either. Two Bucs collided? Ouch, and that was a hard crash, too. Big stop by the Buccaneers. Winston's made... better decisions. Hurry up, Bucs. You don't have any time outs left. Whoa! We got a game after all! What's the success rate on onside kicks? Anyone? Well, this one didn't succeed. Goodbye, St. Louis? (Rams 31, Buccaneers 23)

Pardon our lateness. We were entertaining. This game certainly wasn't. Bank shot by Bailey? OK. Is this a fumble? That's close but I can't reverse this. Neither can they. Kenbrell Thompkins is a Jet now? He just jetted past Jones. OH HO HO. That's a decent run. Oh, Bullock's scuffled tonight. It's good! Now about 44 seconds left. Wait, who threw that pass? Kellen Moore? He got some air under it, if nothing else. Kellen Moore played more than half of this game? Dear God. Just pull the plug. (Jets 19, Cowboys 16)

Signal Finder: CAR @ NYG, KC @ BAL, HOU @ IND (end), DEN @ PIT

So the Giants managed to get Kuechly on Beckham and Kuechly had to interfere. Then Beckham mistimed it and drops a touchdown. Then another drop on 3rd down.


At least the punt was good. Yeah, that's holding. Two guys on the gunner. That's already the second run-in Beckham and Josh Norman have had. No idea why Coughlin punted there. 4th and 1 in Panthers territory? Why not try it? SPEED 2. That's a good fake. Cam's gonna score! OK, no he's not, but he almost did.


I'd run that same play again. Oh well, Ginn in the corner works too. Did these refs seriously just issue warnings to both sidelines? Warnings? What is this, baseball? (They don't work in that sport, either.) There's another scrap between them. Aikman just said Beckham took a swing at Cortland Finnegan, who a) I didn't know was on the Panthers, and b) probably did something to deserve it. The Panthers completely forgot to cover Randle. Brutal.


A guy Cam's size shouldn't run as effortlessly as he does. Ginn ended up having to play defense on that one. Oh, they threw a flag on Beckham finally. The Giants' coverage has tightened up. Ouch. Cam got pulverized. And he's not an easy guy to pulverize. And DRC should have had an interception and six points.


That's a fumble and Panthers ball. Forget what I said earlier about the Giants' coverage. Olson just ran away from that dude. Why did the Giants pass on 3rd and 1? Snap the ball, Cam. NICE blitz pickup on the conversion to Cotchery. That's a bullet to Funchess for the touchdown and it doesn't look like the Giants will have a fourth-quarter lead to blow.


Cam throws rockets, man. Rockets. Nice jumping catch by Corey Brown for the TD. And now an OPI on Beckham, who's been completely mind screwed. Wait, was that a three-and-out?


Nice return by Ginn that the punter foiled. The Giants' defense is completely overmatched right now. Ginn on the screen for the touchdown. That small pack of Panthers fans in the end zone is gonna need another carry-on to take all those balls home. Harris got wrecked on that kickoff return. Hey, Beckham finally caught a pass. And there's another penalty on him. Oh my God. Did you see this one? Beckham ran back into the play and dove at Norman's head with his own helmet. Jesus, NOW what? Offsetting? Coughlin has to get Beckham out of there while he still can. And I'm surprised he still can... given Beckham's antics up to this point, that should be an ejection. And it wouldn't have gotten to this point if the officials had taken control of this when it first looked like it was going to get ugly, which was the first drive of the game. And here's something else: Not one Giants player or coach appears to have gone up to him and said, "Cut it out. You're killing us out there." The old Tom Coughlin would have been breathing fire into Beckham's face, and that's why he needs to be fired. OK, that next one's only on Norman, but still. Jennings finds a hole and... scores? Wait, do we have a game again?


This Artis-Payne dude who's in for Jonathan Stewart has done some good things. That's a cheap shot by Ayers on Cam's knee that didn't get called. The Giants blocked the field goal?! They've got the ball at midfield! Eli's due for a soul-crushing interception, right? Good catch by Tye, who's been the Giants' second-best player today. The Panthers are reeling. THERE IT IS. To be fair, Nicks fell down. But it still played out the way it should have. And the Panthers give it right back on a bad exchange on the handoff. This is unreal. Touchdown Vereen. And the Panthers go three-and-out. They will deserve to lose this game if they do, but the Giants will not have deserved to win it. If that makes sense. Hey, Beckham finally did something positive. It only took three and a half quarters. And Eli fumbles. Or does he? No, he doesn't. That's an incomplete pass and I assume they can't retroactively call that intentional grounding, either. Beckham. Jesus Christ. The weird thing is Norman (who he beat) hasn't really been anything more than average today. But Beckham had been so bad that we didn't notice.


Another clutch grab by Olson. Cam gets away again and slides for a first down — the Giants haven't contained him either. Gano from 43. GOOD!


Improbably, the Giants blow it yet again inside two minutes.


Everyone should be fired. (Panthers 38, Giants 35)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: This may end up being the most misleading score of the year. Your team just didn't show up today, Bills Nation. (Redskins 35, Bills 25)

Unnecessary roughness penalty on the Ravens? THAT'S never happened before. And the Chiefs pay it off with a touchdown by West. Who's even starting for the Ravens? Oh, it's Clausen again. I've seen this Juszczyk dude before and I haven't been sure whether he's a fullback or a tight end. What was that fake punt? Throw it if you're going to do that. On 4TH AND 20, even? Harbaugh's lost it. And the Chiefs cash in again with Maclin. Wait, did Kamar Aiken catch that Hail Mary at the 5 and run it in? That's a brand new one. Boomer, at halftime: "Those are ugly pants." I hadn't noticed because I've admittedly watched about six minutes of this game. Oh. Oh no. Oh no no no no. Who thought purple and mustard yellow was a good combination? Did they steal the Redskins' yellow pants? Is Clausen limping or was that just a hitch? A hearty fuck you to Aiken for putting up a 22-point fantasy performance after I benched you because Jimmy Clausen was your quarterback. Speaking of teams having miserable seasons, Clausen just threw a pick-six. J's a Harvard man, too? (Chiefs 34, Ravens 14)

The Texans have never won in Indianapolis. Brandon Weeden is their quarterback after T.J. Yates appeared to blow something in his knee.


Punter Shane Lechler is the nominal backup. And they just recovered a fumble and returned it into Colts territory. That field goal is good. Can Matt Hasselbeck lead a rally here? That's a "no". The Houston Texans are in first place. (Texans 16, Colts 10)

THE FALCONS WON A GAME! STOP THE PRESSES!! (Falcons 23, Jaguars 17)

Wheaton may have been down there but it's not worth challenging. Fumble? Already? No bueno, Broncos. Ben just fed DeAngelo a volleyball serve. Touchdown Steelers. Now a fumbled snap? Oh boy. This could turn bad quickly. Sanders has been big on this Broncos drive. Osweiler to Thomas for the touchdown. Good throw. Wait, was that live? Sanders cut them up.


Oh, that just got ugly. No. 30 on the Broncos got drilled three yards away from the play after the play was over. And note that this crew threw a flag immediately. I guess they watched Panthers-Giants. If these Steelers fans are smart, they're actually booing their guy for doing something so stupid and blatant. Is this an interception? It is — it bounced off dude's hand, not the grass. Good run by Hillman. Followed by a bad run by Hillman. Osweiler can run? Huh.


Missed the extra point, though. Wait, that Brown play got negated by a penalty? It did. Jeez. And this flag will go the other way. The field goal is good and we've got more violence. That said, this crew had done a better job getting control of things than the goofs at the Meadowlands, who let everything go for an entire half before things got really ugly. The Steelers should consider covering Sanders. Or Thomas. I mean, preferably both, but either would be fine. Osweiler running off? And Peyton's not active... so what does this mean? Brown got out of bounds but waited about 4 seconds deciding what to do. Not sure why they went to Miller there when he had no shot of getting out of bounds. Field goal is good. 27-13. We haven't had a lot of Antonio Brown vs. Chris Harris yet. This drive seems to be making up for it. That's a tough pass interference call on Harris. Touchdown Brown and he seems to be on the verge of having one of those games. Wait, what's this? That ball was live? This guy's gonna score, are you kidding me? Somebody screwed THAT up. Oh my God. And it appears that that somebody was, in fact, the Broncos, who came on to the field thinking the play was dead. No touchdown. Incredible. Does every Markus Wheaton touchdown go to a corner of the end zone or is it just me? Was that holding call late or... oh, they're saying he couldn't get his flag out. Vernon Davis has been a bust with the Broncos. What was that inaction? "For those of you tuning in to see '60 Minutes'... seriously? You should know how this works by now." Shazier came up with that interception after Gay almost did. Touchdown Brown. Those three guys are great.


WOW. Ben just threw a terrible interception when the Steelers didn't need to throw the ball at all. Jesus, Osweiler is trying to lose this game. And he succeeded. Four and out and that's it.


(Pssst: The Chiefs are now one game back in the West.) (Steelers 34, Broncos 27)

Another hearty fuck you to Danny Woodhead for scoring four touchdowns after doing absolutely nothing for the last month, causing me to bench you in the aforementioned fantasy playoff game where I got beat by 65.


Goodbye, San Diego? (Chargers 30, Dolphins 14)

FLEXING. It is AMAZING how bad the Cardinals have been as a franchise. That's how the Cardinals beat the Eagles last time except Brown didn't catch it. And HOW didn't he catch that? That was worse than Beckham's drop. The Cardinals aren't even trying to run the ball. Tackle lower, Maxwell! Dude was wearing him like a backpack. That was ridiculously easy. Then the Eagles come back with Bradford throwing a dangerous pass that Matthews caught. Holding on a running back? That's a new one. Another good play by Matthews — but Bradford's down again. Best moment in Philadelphia? I'd say "in the NFL", Cris. Yeah, I'd go that far. The Eagles are playing too far off these guys. This offense is too fast, especially on the outside. John Brown having a rough night so far. Sack! Two Will Smith tunes already tonight. Wait, Freeney leads the Cardinals in sacks? That's awful. He wasn't even with them in September, was he? Has Murray really not played yet? Did the Cowboys want to keep him, Al? I'm not real sure that's true. Ertz! Wait, the Cardinals were a man short on that play? OOPS. And double oops for the officials not seeing Campbell call for a time out. That's a great throw by Palmer into good coverage and Brown drops ANOTHER one. Did I just see Maxwell go off again? Peterson ran into his own teammate on that punt return. And it wasn't a soft collision, either. Utterly horrific tackling by the Eagles on that Johnson touchdown run. That's football in 2015 — nobody knows how to hit anyone the right way any more. I'm still not convinced Bradford's good enough to get away with throws into coverage like that on a regular basis, but he just did it again. No measurement? Why not kick the field goal? Oh boy.


Murray may be the worst Philadelphia free-agent signing since Vinny Lecavalier. Wait, that was only a year and a half ago. Collinsworth is entirely too impressed with that Floyd catch. THAT Floyd catch, on the other hand, is impressive. If it counts. Let's see. Yeah, now that we have another angle, that's a catch — his knee hit the ground inbounds first. Get out of the end zone, Bradford! Then he takes another hit but still finds Huff. Sproles has been bottled up tonight. And Bradford is sacked and fumbles. Cardinals ball. Wait, why is Palmer on the sideline? They're looking at his finger. They're taping it up. Meanwhile, Ryan Mathews just fumbled. Palmer back in and testing the finger with a short pass. Watkins and Biggers may not be able to hold up. I'm surprised Fitzgerald hasn't set them on fire more than he has. Then John Brown spins away from Biggers and walks into the end zone. Oh, I remember this Pratt dude from a few years ago. He's still on the team? Go Cardinals. Collinsworth: "It's borderline outrageous." And now, Bradford throws a pick-six. We're done here.


The cameras went to Sanchez like was getting ready to come in but he just put on a coat. What was THAT? Someone screwed up and Matthews could have taken that in backwards but he's not that kind of guy. Now Ertz is down. He's had a good stretch these last few weeks, even in the games the Eagles have sucked in. Might as well go for it down 20. Why the hell am I seeing Patrick Peterson dressed as an elf? Another Bradford pick. This won't help matters. Of course, the Cardinals could legitimately win the title, so. (Cardinals 40, Eagles 17)

This game's full of guys who may need to move on after this season. Stafford just ran into two guys. A penalty "probably on Brandon Browner?" You don't say!


Damn, Hightower was out of the league for THREE years? Man. An infection after ACL surgery. Didn't know that and good to see he got back. Good coverage by Slay to force the field goal attempt. Stafford's picking the Saints' "defense" apart. Jesus. Ebron's stride-for-stride with two guys and still outrunning them. That's just too easy.


Brees is limping? That's not good. Wait, Matt Flynn's a Saint? When did that happen? Theo Riddick just faked Ellerbee out of his jock. And Tate scores with little resistance. So how do the Lions blow this one? Will this count? It might. Or it won't. There's a run by Hightower and he gets in. Illegal formation? Wait, so the guy reported on first down but not on second? You have to know that, right? The third time is NOT the charm. Saints should go for it. And now the Lions pull a Chris Webber. Touchdown! Another flag? Ineligible lineman downfield? So, as Tirico just said, the Saints got into the end zone three times and didn't score. That's some Lions shiz. They're pulling dudes off the street and getting big plays on the Saints. Abdullah walked into the end zone untouched. Someone coach those kids.


Touchdown Cooks. Nice touch on that ball by Brees, who was also roughed because there's a flag at his feet. That's a horse collar. Where'd Snead come from? Seriously, I'm asking. This is the same drive? I feel like the Saints would have preferred a touchdown there. The Saints are challenging? Saints ball! This is how it starts. Gotta bring in that screen pass, Bell. ANOTHER fumble? Christ. Well at least the Lions got this one back. Touchdown Ebron. 35-20 now. Now we've got another situation with Watson. Is THIS a catch? Man, that's close. This is taking way too long for a game that literally does not matter. So he stayed inbounds. OK. So many incompletions. The Saints are running out of time and dude getting stopped at the 2 didn't help. Touchdown Watson. They'll have to go for two at some point, but I think kicking it here is right. I see Megatron's in on this onside kick. If they'd had that much foresight against the Packers, they might still be in the playoff race. And they miss the field goal because of course they do. And now look at this situation. Megatron IS in on defense! Good job, Caldwell. That fizzled out. (Lions 35, Saints 27)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (14-0) — You need to survive a few times to get this far
2. Arizona (12-2) — Hitting peak efficiency
3. New England (12-2) — An unremarkable ass kicking
4. Green Bay (10-4) — Feels like the ship's been righted

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (4-10) — That was probably it
30. San Francisco (4-10) — Seriously? You got beat by A.J. McCARRON?
31. Tennessee (3-11) — And now Mariota's probably done for the year
32. Cleveland (3-11) — So much for good feelings
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Thursday, December 17, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Un-Sticky Fingers

That's a fumble, folks. But was it recovered? Whoa, maybe it's not. That was closer than I thought it was the first time. Bridgewater has a bottom-5 receiving corps. The Stefon Diggs revolution lasted two weeks. AD going HAM seems to be the Vikings' best chance tonight — I don't see their outmanned defense slowing down the Cardinals. Like, exactly like that. And the Cardinals just demonstrated what I was originally talking about. Without Barr and Smith, it's going to he hard for the Vikings to contain these guys. Seriously, if the Vikings could do this consistently, I'd give them a better chance here. Fumble! It's getting chippy out there. How is it the two-minute warning already. Whoa! Another big play by the Vikings. Don't just stand there. Run a play! Pass interference? OK. And Bridgewater gets sacked. So they'll kick a field goal and tie it, which seems fair. Good blitz pickup by Peterson. ANOTHER turnover?


Wow. Why the hell would you ever call a play that involves putting the ball in Peterson's hands only to subsequently take it OUT of his hands? Jeez, Floyd got a convoy to the end zone.


Rhodes almost turned the tables there. I'm not sure how he didn't intercept that, really. Palmer got drilled and still made that throw. Touchdown David Johnson? The Vikings have been getting beaten on the edge all night. He's out of bounds. Feels like the Vikings really need to hold here. And they do. Patterson just doesn't look as fast as he did. Safety blitz? Are the Vikings that close? That was about a 12-step drop Bridgewater took. 54 yards for Walsh. Good! That punt was almost blocked. Two penalties? Sheesh. Who is 48? And why is he getting the ball on a 3rd down, as successful as it was? I'M MIKE WALLACE. This has been the best TNF of the year. And it hasn't been close.


Wait, what? What happened there? The ball was tipped and an O-lineman caught it? I thought it was a run that the camera got caught out on at first. David Johnson has adequately replaced Chris. Someone screw up a route? Not the best throw by Palmer but the risk paid off and this is a much easier field goal now if they're held to that. Kick is GOOD. The Cards stay blitzing, man. Someone missed a coverage assignment. That's a... fumble? Whatever it was, the Vikings' line fell apart again.


(Cardinals 23, Vikings 20)

Signal Finder: BUF @ PHI, DAL @ GB

Holy hell, Jaguars. So much for the Colts ruling the AFC South with an iron fist. The Jags haven't beaten anyone down that badly since they sent Marino and Jimmy Johnson into retirement.


(Jaguars 51, Colts 16)



McCoy split out wide. Mostly boos now. Cox worked Incognito on that sack. Now it looks like Ryan Mathews is starting for the Eagles. Every time Riley Cooper beats someone, it's shocking. But I don't think this will count. Nope. Murray gets a first down and cheers. How did Ertz get so open? Touchdown Sproles. Somehow no one's anywhere near Robert Woods. That's a great throw by Taylor to Watkins and the safety help didn't come fast enough. We're tied.


Watkins needs to catch that one. He's the Bills' best playmaker as we've seen. I know for a FACT that there's a sporting goods store closer to Hamilton Township than Sewell. Wow, the Bills blew up the Eagles' offensive line on that 3rd down attempt. Who was that Taylor jumped over? Oh, Kendricks. Don't poke THAT bear, LeSean. Think that was Kiko covering McCoy on that 3rd down route.


They punt. That was uneventful. Muffed punt? Eagles ball! It's "Braman", not "Barman", guys. We'll also ignore that the hit had nothing to do with the misplay (and, in fact, came after it). Also ,Peters hobbled off again. So many penalties. Agholor! Good for him. Kid's been fighting himself all year.


There's the sorta-big run McCoy wanted to break off. Taylor escapes the pocket for a good gain. Who screwed up there? No matter. Hey, a Jordan Matthews sighting. Why is Ajirotutu on the field?
Barwin may have gotten away with a late hit at the end of that. Good work by Cooper to break a tackle, then work his way back to the sideline and get out of bounds. Oh, his knee was down. That's unhelpful. That gained... two yards? Good Lord, NOW what? Oh, OK. He did get out of bounds. Cooper sort of dove sideways out of bounds and that threw the officials off. Who's struggling more today, the officials or the announcers? Geez. That looks about 10 yards longer than it was.


You get a carry! And YOU get a carry! And YOU get a carry! Hogan's out of bounds. Why throw a 4-yard hitch, Bills? That was about three Eagles who hit the punt returner out of bounds. NATHAN ENDERLE. What a list of quarterbacks. Not sure how Cox didn't corral Taylor there. Someone named Gillislee just ran through the Eagles like a knife through butter. We're tied.


Huff almost fumbled that but he was out of bounds. Bad too-high throw by Bradford but a great play by McKelvin to take it away from Celek. The ball hits the ground but he held on. Lurie disagrees. Why'd that McCoy run get wiped out? Solomon Wilcots mentioning Eric Rowe, who's locked down Watkins since the switch. Bradford got creamed and rushed that throw to Ertz, who wasn't ready for it. I'm kind of amazed that the NFL is letting ads for Concussion run during their games.


Cox just got his payback. (Incognito can't handle him, by the way.) Wait, what's all this? Oh, Chip was saying Watkins was out of bounds.


He wasn't. Good stop on 3rd down. Ertz street-fought his way down the field there. The Bills have jumped at least three times today. Oh, four? Thanks, guys. At least they can get a field goal, though a first down there all but ends the game, I think. Incognito just held Cox, setting the Bills back some more. Christ, Bradford. You can't get sacked there.


First time we've heard Mario Williams' name today? ED REYNOLDS! You could see that interception coming, too. Taylor threw up an air ball and that's what happens when you throw up air balls.


L. O. L. crosses off Bills (Eagles 23, Bills 20)

Looks like Dalton got caught in between making the tackle or not making the tackle. It's AJ McCARRON time. Now Eifert's coming off? Concussion protocol. Didn't he just go through this? I never thought I'd utter the phrase "Season-altering injury for Andy Dalton" but here we are. (Steelers 33, Bengals 20)

So the Warriors, Chris Weidman, and Jose Aldo are all no longer undefeated. How about it, Panthers? No? Oh. OH.


Christ. *crosses off Falcons* (Panthers 38, Falcons 0)

Why did the Packers stop running the ball? That's McFadden's longest run in a while. LOOOOOOOOOL. I hate the moment of indecision that sometimes comes with an interception in the end zone. Take the knee! Just take the knee! And predictably, the Packers come out humming. Good job overcoming those penalties by an overmatched offensive line. It seems like Joe Buck is Eddie Lacy's good luck charm.


And replay says this is true. Sneak? Didn't make it. Still the right decision. Good job, Cowboys. Starks' speed made that touchdown happen. Troy with a visual aid! This'll be fun. Dez just bailed Cassel out. Or did he? Apparently not. Against the same team, even. (He did get robbed this time.) I'm more than a little surprised that James Jones is allowed to wear that hoodie. The packers love John Kuhn, man. Touchdown Rodgerses. And the half ends with Cassel being sacked. Surprised that the Packers haven't used Cobb out of the backfield more often with the struggles they had for a few weeks. Robert Turbin? The Cowboys have another Seahawks castoff at running back? McFadden again. Turbin again and touchdown Cowboys. That was a better Chip Kelly drive than most Chip Kelly drives this year. Lang may be the Packers' best remaining lineman and Hardy beat him down for that sack. I don't know why Dez jumped, either. Where are you going with this, Buck? He's had a rough season? We know that. The Cowboys keep running pass plays short of the first down marker. A muffed punt? Not surprising given the weather. But it seems like we've had more of those this year than normal, too. That's a crucial run by Aaron Rodgers. Starks! You can't tackle a guy by his head, Cowboys. This offense can't do anything. It's not all Cassel's fault: Dez can't catch anything and they can't run the ball (and haven't all year, really). Also their secondary is still hot garbage, and that Hardy sack earlier was his first in about a month, but those are defensive issues and have nothing to do with Cassel either. OK, Lacy just took the entire Cowboys defense with him to the goal line. I mean all of them. Like, guys were being pulled off the sideline into that pile. I'm pretty sure Cobb ended up tackling him. Touchdown Lacy and that's that. (Packers 28, Cowboys 7)

FLEXING. (Suck it, Ravens.) GRONK RISES. "NRG Stadium?" I see what you did there. Well, that didn't work. God punt return by an ex-Texan. LaFell touchdown? Oops. Guy who was eligible was covered up by receiver lining up incorrectly. That feels like bad play design if that happens. That didn't take long. Wait, Nate Washington's in Houston now?


That's why they're the Texans. Feels like we haven't seen Blount in a month and a half. I mean, I know we have, but he's done so little.
"Young Folks" as coach bio music? OK. Blount's hurt now? That's a good punt. The old Oilers theme? GRONK. Collinsworth: "Just not a fair fight." Is this worth a challenge? I guess so, and it worked. I then thought the White catch should have been worth a challenge but he caught that cleanly. But they're challenging this one, too? See, that doesn't look like it's touching the line. WOW. I did not think they'd overturn that. Washington's only good for one of those a game — they've gone to the well too many times. They need to get Hopkins free somehow. They're taking way too many deep shots. Now they have to punt. PATRIOTS SPECIAL TEAMS. And even after Martin muffed it, 22 had it and it got away from him.


Do the Texans only have three pass plays? They're going for a 4th and 4. That's game. Obligatory Robert Kraft Shot. Hey, a deep pass worked more than once. Fumble? No, this is an incomplete pass. His arm's clearly going forward. THAT'S a fumble. At least the Texans got it back and can now punt. Clowney just sacked Brady, and beat a double team to boot. And Ninkovich returns the favor on Hoyer. And another sack on Brady. Pass protection has become a vicious rumor. Who's this Sheard dude? And this is also a fumble and Patriots ball.


Touchdown White and that's a wrap. Who the hell calls a Wildcat play in 2015? Why are Brady and Gronk still in this game? Besides the fact that Belichick must destroy a soul fully before he consumes it, I mean. There's T.J. Yates, which means this game is over. (Patriots 27, Texans 6)

The Dolphins should bring these uniforms back. I don't like the new color scheme. Fumble? Fumble. SOMEONE GET THAT. Fine.


Did Landry just levitate? That was effective. Touchdown Miller and it looked easy. I don't have a good feeling about these tactics, Giants. Especially since it looks like Suh's interested tonight.


Tannehill just barely overshot Williams, who would have had a touchdown. That was unfortunate. Suddenly Rashad Jennings found a hole to run through. Hey, Randle made a play. Well it had been three weeks. This is smarter, Giants. There you go. Touchdown Randle.


Miller again! That's the down side of that club on JPP's hand. Can't really tackle with it. Also, nobody can tackle any more. Jennings has been the Giants' best back so far tonight. Fumble! Eli and Williams screwed up the handoff. Get down, Reshad Jones! Don't run with it in a pile! The Dolphins need to start getting touchdowns out of these. There's Beckham for about 40 yards. Plus roughing the passer? Lord. 31 on the Dolphins can't believe Will Tye just scored on him.


Stills lit up what's left of the Giants' secondary. Prince never saw the ball. Oh, NOW Darkwa shows up midway through the third? What kind of sense does that make? I  mean, the Dolphins can't stop Jennings. Stick with him. Man. That would have been a great touchdown catch. And it might actually have supposed to have been one. And the refs say it was! Beckham, man. That's crazy.


I don't get that challenge. Coughlin's losing it. That punt went so far it knocked Harris back. Two penalties later and the Giants are at midfield. Brown MISSED? Refs missed DRC holding Parker there. Hey, Dolphins! Good job not covering Beckham, guys. That's good work by Tannehill to pump-fake, move and find Landry. The punting tonight has been top-notch. Landry just stupidly threw DRC to the ground in front of an official. That wasn't a good series. That pass to Harris was big for the Giants. And now we're reviewing another Beckham catch. That's a catch and... this game's over! The Giants didn't blow it! Amazing. crosses off Dolphins (Giants 31, Dolphins 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (13-0) — The Greg Olsen thing could bear watching
2. New England (11-2) — That's more like it
3. Arizona (11-2) — Business as usual, I suppose
4. Cincinnati (10-3) — The road just got a lot tougher

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (3-10) — Could probably leave now without complaint
30. San Francisco (4-9) — You can't lose to the Browns and not pay a price for it
31. Cleveland (3-10) — It's a Festivus MIRACLE
32. Tennessee (3-10) — Made the Jets look legitimately... legit
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Saturday, December 12, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Improbablility Drivers

But this game's in Detroit. Oh, all right then. Ameer Abdullah hit the rookie wall in, like, Week 2 and just now got over it. When's the last time the Lions won three in a row? Big run by Abdullah on this next drive. Nice job covering Ebron, Packers. And Rodgers just threw an interception, and it wasn't a good throw. That was a good throw by Stafford and Megatron did what he does. That's grounding. The Lions know it.


And that's pass interference. it was an effective face guard, but a face guard nonetheless. Holy hell, it's 17-0? How? And now Crosby's missed after hitting the upright. The Packers' offensive line has been getting destroyed tonight.


Nice hair, Nantz. 1991? If that's a junior prom photo, that would make Tracy Wolfson about my age and it seems like she's been around forever. The Lions can pretty much run the clock out here. And now for the announcement that was leaked eight hours ago.


Other artists? What does that mean? The Packers' defense is struggling in its own right. Like, the Lions have gotten back into the chase thanks in no small part to the Packers' own fall-off. Field goal is good. The Portsmouth Spartans! It's funny to think about the cities where pro sports teams used to play. Hey, Starks got a carry. And another one. Fumble! Touchdown Cobb!


And the Packers follow it up with a turnover. Touchdown Adams! It's suddenly a six-point game. A lot of Lions have been helped off the field tonight. Who's this Crockett dude for the Packers? Oh, he's the guy from North Dakota State. Now another Packers O-lineman is hurt, and this is becoming ridiculous. This is an important third down for the Lions... and they won't get it. Oh, offsides Packers. So now it's 3rd and 10. Still short. I like going for this. 4th and 2 and you need to score on this drive, probably. Nice quick pass to Tate to convert. Stafford running? Simms is big on "gambles" tonight.


That looks like a first down, and I suppose it is. I'm amazed Shields didn't intercept that. Still, they've got a shot at points here. And it's good. That Starks bobble is not what the Packers needed. Now they're going for it.. and Sims agrees? Wow. I don't mind the time out. Get this right. Mini-wheel route to Cobb? OK. Sounds like Lacy's back in the dog house. Good pass between the Rodgerses. I guess Aaron's the Packers' best runner. What, NFL Network couldn't find an actor willing to play a Cardinals fan, so they had to use Warner for this spot? And it's not like it's 2000 or "anytime before 1989." The Cardinals are good now! That's a clutch pass to... whoever that is... to get that 3rd and 12. Man, Tracy's taken a beating tonight. First the prom photo and now reliving Michigan-Michigan State. FACE MASK? FACE MASK? Rodgers was eating his chin strap. Now we've got an actual shot at a Hail Mary. TOUCHDOWN!!! Caldwell's in disbelief. So is everyone else in Ford Field.




 



Richard Rodgers posted up and had a shell of teammates around him. No Lion could get to the ball. Think about this: The Lions can't even out-Brown the Browns. That's how cursed that franchise is. (Packers 27, Lions 23)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ NYG, SEA @ MIN, SF @ CHI, PHI @ NE, CAR @ NO (end)

Multiview? Look at you, CBS, getting all fancy. I'm not sure how JPP is supposed to tackle anybody with that club on what's left of his hand. Fitzpatrick didn't sweat that safety blitz at all. Hey, a stop. About time, Giants. Come on, Beckham. Stop showing off. How do you rally the crowd in THIS game?
Punt returns for touchdowns shouldn't be that hard, man. They had both Harris and Beckham back on it again? They did that the first time, too, and I don't think they've done that much this year. This is the most pressure the Giants have gotten on the quarterback this season. That' is also clearly a fumble. And we've got a wrestling match five yards away from the play. AND we've got a late hit after it all allegedly ended. Hakeem Nicks caught a pass? Stop the presses. Williams gets... stuffed. And the Giants aren't going for it, which is a moral victory for the Jets. Unsportsmanlike conduct on the Jets bench? Did they re-hire Rex Ryan?


I feel like the refs did that just to penalize Coughlin for wasting their time. I mean, Powell got the first down anyway. Touchdown Jets. Good Lord. Beckham just set the Jets on fire. Gilchrist wouldn't have caught him if he'd stopped. And then the Giants somehow didn't pick off that pass. I'm not sure if Prince just got unlucky or he mistimed his reach. Wait, Beckham didn't catch that? That's an upset. Really, refs? Marshall pops a dude in the face and you throw the flag on the other guy? Ah, roommate issues. Now Will Tye's doing his Beckham impression. The Giants just leaped offside. Why are Beckham and Sheldon Richardson in the same place? False start on a punt? Same old Jets. Flags everywhere. Skrine's had better days. By the way, this is the same drive. This is some Michigan State last night action. 4th and 2 from the 4 and the Giants go. ELICEPTION. Right into double coverage. The Jets might want to pick up the pace here — they do have to score twice, after all. Marshall! Then Fitzpatrick misses everyone and it's 4th down. Now what?


Oh. At least the Jets' defense held. Running into the punter? Oh Lord. Feels like Powell and not Ivory has been making the big plays in this game. Don't get sacked, Fitz. Oh, he converted a 4th and 6 with a run! Call time out, guys. So because Moore got hurt on the play, the Jets get their time out back and the Giants lose one. Touchdown Marshall!


We're going to overtime. The Giants can't cover the Jets' receivers anymore, either. Any way JPP wasn't offsides there? Delay of game? That actually helps the Jets. No idea what that was. Jets kick it. Harris almost broke off another one. Kicking the ball is a delay of game? I mean, I get why. Beckham got that one, though. Now let's set this up.


Brown MISSES! Jets win! (Jets 23, Giants 20, OT)

THROW THE FLAG, ZIMMER. Good. Dare I say it, but this is an easy one. The Seahawks seem to make so many little mistakes. We need to find out what's up with Anthony Barr and Harrison Smith soon because the Vikings can't bring anyone down. That's two missed tackles on that touchdown. SO far, the Seahawks have put a guy in front of Peterson at all times. So Smith just got hurt and Barr reinjured his groin. Ouch. Wait, there are stadiums in the Twin Cities that aren't named after Target? I demand an investigation. Good job by Lynch to remind us that the Seahawks got lit up on defense last week. That reverse... did not work. Carroll's about to lose a challenge by wasting it on a spot. Nice catch and survival skills by Lockett, hanging on after getting double-teamed. Did he get hit or did the two Vikings hit each other's heads? Oh, BOTH. Shit. Wait, what happened there? The Vikings haven't been able to keep Wilson contained. That may have been a designed run. Not sure. Back to that penalty on Robison, he's telling the ref "I didn't know he was down" and I'm glad FOX showed us that. That one got away from Bridgewater and Earl Thomas was waiting for it like he was fielding a ground ball at second base.  And Baldwin cashes in immediately. This game might be over.


Hey, the Seahawks just ran the play that they should have run at the end of the Super Bowl. (Seahawks 38, Vikings 7)

The Falcons are going to lose out the string. I'm convinced. I mean, who are they beating? What's happened to Matt Ryan? (Buccaneers 23, Falcons 19)

CUTLER VS. GABBERT. HOORAY. What are the Bears doing?


The knock on Gabbert has always been that he crumbles and panics under pressure. Has Cutler been overthrowing his receivers all day? "Cleared to return?" What happened to Cutler? And who's the backup now that the Bears cut Clausen a couple weeks ago? Good run by Forte. Cutler did a good job escaping there and finding Jeffrey deep. Mariani? He usually returns kicks. Offensive lineman fullback alert! Yet it was Carey who finished off that touchdown run, driving Bowman back into the end zone. Gabbert can run? Gabbert can run. GABBERT CAN RUN. That has to be embarrassing for Bears fans. And that kickoff return has to be embarrassing for 49ers fans. Carey with the first down on 3rd and 12. Is Forte hurt? Let's line this up. Gould... MISSES?? Was it partially blocked? No, he just shanked it.


I'm not sure he kicked it cleanly. And now we're going to overtime. The 49ers are punting already? I don't think that guy's used to being that far down field. Just dropped an interception. Torrey Smith for the win! That dude had no shot. First career outdoor road win for Gabbert? My God. (49ers 26, Bears 20, OT)

THE CHIEFS ARE IN THE 5-SEED SPOT. Good job, Andy. Seriously. (Chiefs 34, Raiders 20)

Here's how you know things have gone wrong: You get demoted from Buck and Aikman to Brennaman and Davis. And you get an officiating crew that was pulled from the Sunday night game because of a bad day they all had last week. Look at all this Sproles involvement. And it's working. Or, it was, until two penalties and Bradford throwing to blanketed receivers killed it. Barwin with a crucifix rollup on Brady. What is going on? Delay of game out of a timeout and the Eagles think it's a clock issue? Then another one on Peters?


The announcers are desperate to find something good to say about the Eagles. I mean, at least they're trying? It's important to note that the Patriots are also running out of offensive linemen. Brady's already been sacked twice. "America's Game of the Week." Don't lie to the people, FOX graphics department. Why is Rupert Murdoch here?


There's that Patriots luck — Brady escapes a sack and floats a ball to Chandler. You're being outscored by a soccer game, you yahoos. OK, not any more. I'm just going to assume this flag is on the Eagles. I'm right! Jenkins got straight-up baited into that pass interference call. So Brady and Blount collide. Interesting. Man, FOX better move some of these games next week. Brady is the best quarterback sneaker ever. That's two touchdowns for the Patriots and on both of them the Eagles have been completely caught out of position. Did those assholes just onside kick? Hey, a Jordan Matthews sighting. Sproles and Barner are killing it. Ertz! That's a big three-and-out. This will be well short. The Eagles might go for this. They should, at least. What have they got to lose? The season's over. So they punt. The Patriots are in no hurry to get to the locker room. PUNT BLOCK TOUCHDOWN! Maragos came in utterly untouched. Are... are those BOOS? You impudent fucks. You're still going to win by 20. Too high, Bradford. And he was lucky that bounced before the defender got it. That's not a catch and fumble? Oh, it's the "control" thing. Whatever. These rules suck.


Someone picked Kendricks on that pass to White (who was wide open again.) Interception Jenkins! Touchdown!!


RETRIBUTION. That Brady throw was Sanchez-esque.


How did Amendola catch that and not get killed on the hit? Brady running is hilarious. SPECIAL TEAMS!! This is astounding.


Good job Charles Davis and the spotters seeing that non-block block by Maragos that gave Sproles his opening. A reverse pass to Brady? Belichick's getting desperate. And Maxwell just picked off Brady in the end zone.




LaFell may have run the wrong route but wow. This drive is going places. Pass interference on the guy defending Agholor? The Patriots are falling apart. Hey, a DeMarco Murray sighting! And I'm a little worried about how much run Barner's getting. Matthews for the touchdown! This is astounding.




Bye-bye, any pretense of a Patriots running game. Great, Brady's mad. Try covering James White, guys. Touchdown Chandler. And they get the onside kick because they're the Patriots.


Oh, Kiko. How  do you fall down? They hit you with an instant ice slick? And right after you stuffed the swing pass on the previous play, too. Remember earlier about Brady's sneaking ability? Yeah, that.


This one won't work. Good looking out, Cooper. Just run the ball, Chip. Don't throw it! COOPER!! That was ballsy and should not have worked and was maybe the best thing either of those guys has ever done in the pros. No, Barner! Don't fumble! (Why wasn't Sproles or Murray in the game there? You can't put that kid in that spot.) The Eagles haven't covered James White all game. How is it fourth down again? Oh, that's right, they spiked it on first. Incomplete! EAGLES WIN! This was chiseled in stone as a loss the day the schedule came out. I have no idea what happened. (Eagles 35, Patriots 28)

Two minutes left! Impeccable timing by all involved. The Panthers clinched the division earlier when the Falcons derped again. They just showed the Olsen roll-catch that kept the drive alive. Cotchery's been so good for the Panthers. See? What did I just say? Of course, there's still time. And just like that, the Saints are at midfield. You call time out there if you're the Panthers because you want to get this exactly right. This is it. Throw's off target. Panthers win. Who had them at 12-0? Liars.


(Panthers 41, Saints 38)

So NBC's going to show Obama's speech before going to the game. Now is the game going to start on time, or...? That was... quick. Are Al and Cris wearing Gore-Tex? No need to yell, Tomlin. She's right there. Man, Steelers Jacoby Jones has NOT been Ravens Jacoby Jones. Matt Hasselbeck, The Venerable One. There's three dudes from that draft class still in the league — him, Peyton, and Woodson — and Hasselbeck may be having the best season of all of them. He then throws an interception at the 1-yard line.


We doing all STP tonight, NBC DJ? I'd be down. Good run by DeAngelo. Fumble! Dear Lord, this is chaos. Watch this field goal get blocked. Or not.


SO MUCH COMEDY. This is ridiculous. Brandon Boykin LIVES! Yeah, he lost it for a second but it never hit the ground. Not sure how Hilton caught that. Shanice? Really, NBC DJ? In less than an hour, we went from this:




to this:


I'm assuming this "Colts quarterbacks under pressure" graphic hasn't been updated. Andre Johnson lives! What are the Steelers pointing at? Oh, the play clock. Touchdown Gore.


Bryant with a big leaping catch. Good ups, kid. Antonio Brown's really good. He just barely beat Davis for that touchdown. Ben had Spaeth open on the left side but it still worked out. 14-10. Is that the first NFL wristband? I don't think Jacoby Jones actually likes Pittsburgh. To give Collinsworth credit, I'm not sure many other NFL color guys have punt returning experience. "He's killed the Steelers over the years. Not helping 'em tonight, either." Personal foul? Yeah? Oh. The Steelers make up the difference quickly and relatively easily. Wait, that's a touchdown? Oh, it sure is. Collinsworth's talking about Boykin like it's last year with the Eagles. Greg Toler's gotta go. Every time the Colts are on TV, he gets lit for at least two big plays a game. Martavis Bryant smoked him. Yeah, people forget HOW good those Steelers offenses were. Frank Gore still has moves? What's with all the delays of game? Yeesh. What's Hasselbeck doing? Why call a pass there on 4th and 1? Awful. And Brown burns the Colts again. Bet it was Toler. No, it was Davis as part of a double-team to boot. That's disrespectful. Between Brown and Mike Wallace, the Steelers definitely picked the right guy. Fumble out of bounds. I keep saying it, but this James Harrison resurgence defies logic. Oh, Whitehurst is coming in? Smart move. No reason to get the old man killed. Brown's returning this punt? HE SURE IS. Also, OUCH.




Hey, That Super Bowl footage. Nobody needs to see that again. (Steelers 45, Colts 10)



Good start, Redskins! Well, yeah, Tirico. The 2015 Giants don't sack people. That's a good punt return... that won't count. That's also a good return... that also won't count. And on the Cowboys' first play, McFadden fumbles. This is how Sunday night's game started. Nothing is happening. Nothing. Wait, the Cowboys' tablets aren't working?


Of course not. You think Snyder isn't above some Patriots-level sabotage? You really think that? At least Whitehead broke off another decent punt return. Cassel missed Williams and the Cowboys are punting again. 3rd and 23. Nice. This game has gone analog, which is somehow appropriate because these two teams don't deserve high technology. Garcon! Plus a face mask on the Cowboys. Then they lose seven yards and still have to punt. What happens in a tie? Cassel hits Witten for a first down and Hall's disagreeing with the spot. Terrence Williams just beat... somebody. Cassel out here throwing bounce passes. Cousins seems to be having the same drive Cassel just did. I'll assume it also ends in a field goal. It did! Computers still aren't working and it's the third quarter. Did the Cowboys just fumble AGAIN? Yep. Was that Griffin in the owner's box? If anything, Dez pushed off the defender. That's a bad call. I mean, Belichick won 11 games with this dude. Why is John Hanna near the ball on 3rd and 4? I'm impressed Sean Lee's made it through the third quarter here. Another. Cowboys. Turnover. I mean, you can't blame Cassel for this stuff. Street got the ball ripped out of his hands.


These offenses are good for about 50 yards per drive and then bupkis. That's not gonna make it. Nope, wide right. Still 9-6. Someone threw deep! And Dez caught it! No, really, he actually caught this one. #SHADE How do they not get two yards with this offensive line? Tirico and Gruden just said the same thing.


Wait, an NFL game ended 9-5? Bucky Dent Day! The two minute warning has never been so aptly named. Oh, they've gotta look at this. Make a call! Incomplete. OK.


Cowboys punt. GOOD JOB DESEAN. He never fucked up a punt return that badly with under Andy or Chip, I'll tell you that. Wait, the Redskins got it back? Desean owes that dude a game check. Oh, the Cowboys' punter recovered it! Good job by you, friend.


Don't get pushed out of bounds, McFadden. Touchdown Cowboys. They finally converted a short yardage play.


Seriously, what in God's name was Desean doing? And now there's a face mask on the kickoff return. And a bomb to Desean ties it with 44 seconds left. WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?


GO FOR TWO YOU FUCK. Whitehead's been the Cowboys' best player tonight and it's not close.


Now I need to shower in acid. (Cowboys 19, Redskins 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (12-0) — Just enough magic at the end
2. New England (10-2) — Depleted offensive line becoming an issue
3. Arizona (10-2) — Business as usual, I suppose
4. Cincinnati (10-2) — A routine rout of their northern rivals

BOTTOM 4:
28. (tie) Baltimore (4-8) — Some sort of curse/karmic payback at work
28. (tie) New Orleans (4-8) — No mojo left for anyone
30. San Diego (3-9) — Speaking of being depleted...
31. Tennessee (3-9) — That Mariota run is easily their season highlight
32. Cleveland (2-10) — Will it ever end?
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