Saturday, December 27, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Paying The Bell's Tolls

I mean... Titans-Jaguars? In Week 16? And no Carmelo or Rose in Knicks-Bulls? Thank God for UConn-Duke tonight. Whitehurst! Bortles! FOOTBALL!! I can't do this.


They got a pool at Jacksonville's stadium? Wonder how many seats they took out to put it in. I'm amused how this particular Kevin Hart Madden 15 commercial has no good teams in it. Leon Washington has been the best player so far and it's not close. Not a fan of that offensive pass interference call on Jacksonville. It's the two-minute warning already? At least it's going quickly. That play fell apart immediately and Bortles was able to run for it somehow. Hey, a touchdown. Lee caught that? I thought that pass went 10 yards past him. CECIL SHORTS PASSING. Touchdown and the Jags take the lead. There are more points in this game than there were last week. That's a good spot on that 3rd down and that 4th down (you have to remember where the sticks are!) Then Todman breaks one off and that feels daggerish. Not that I mind punting, but why would you "never" go for it here, as Simms just said? You get it and the game is over. Somebody on the field just said "fake spike." Good job by Washington getting out of bounds. That's not a catch. The Jaguars are bad enough to blow this, by the by. SACK! That guy just made $600,000!


Yeah, this running into Colbert would have been the worst. And yet it managed to be better than last week's game. (Jaguars 21, Titans 13)

DOUBLEHEADER... Saturday? All right, then. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I hated the Cary Williams signing from the get-go, for the record. Then Jenkins drops another pick-six. That was... luck, pure and simple. That's an incomplete pass. Why is Gannon praising Jim Haslett? The guy's sucked for years. Hey, Sproles finally caught one. McCoy ran for a touchdown! Stop the presses!


This is an awful long commercial break. I didn't think DeSean was going to catch that. The entire Eagles defense got blown up. Even the punt was bad. I have a horrible feeling about this. Wait, the Redskins' play calls don't go directly to the quarterback? The hell kind of system is that? Sweet, a sack. I thought Roberts was going to catch that. He didn't need to jump. Jason Peters not having a good game so far isn't helping matters. Sproles just ran into that dude's head. Cooper! That was a good drive. Hey, Griffin slid for once. That screen pass was pointless. What was that, Sproles? Fumble on the kickoff? Eagles ball! That's as clean a fumble as you can get. Wait, Parkey missed a chip shot? And now the Eagles can't stop the Redskins again. How is that roughing the passer? That's a bad delay of game penalty. Gannon's about to blow a gasket. Neither one of those were roughing. And the Redskins go back in front. Parkey missed right AGAIN? They're going to lose. This is preposterous. And Jackson beats Fletcher again. This isn't his fault any more. Either give him actual help or sit him down. This is ridiculous.


So many penalties even on ultimately successful drives. See? SEE? THAT'S what happens when you actually have safety help on a deep route. And it should be even easier with DeSean, because that's literally the only route he runs. It's not like he's Dez Bryant and they move him around in formations and send him all over the field. I'd have felt a lot better with a touchdown there. Also, Foles would have completed that pass. That aside, where has Zach Ertz been for the last six weeks? This is a good drive.


That's a pointless throw by Sanchez. Who's even supposed to catch that? It's not getting overturned, either. Who whiffed on Garcon? ANOTHER roughing penalty? At least he actually hit Griffin in the head but COME ON. Now they're definitely going to lose. Should the Eagles let them score? The risk you run there is that the Redskins get wise to it and just sit on the ball but I don't know if this team's smart enough to see it if it's happening. I mean, they've only won three games for a reason. And there it is. Wait, what? There's no chance of it happening but if the Redskins were to give up a game-losing Hail Mary because of THAT, it would be the funniest thing ever. And THERE it is. This was a damn disgrace. This was a Cowboys-level choke job. And for anything Eagles-related, there is no greater insult. crosses off Eagles (Redskins 27, Eagles 24)

GORE! GORE! GORE! That was Beastmode-esque. This line (SF -1) has puzzled me like it has Simmons. I guess the Chargers aren't playing run defense tonight? Is that it? FUMBLE. "Fake Darren Sproles." I like it. Then Rivers throws a bad pick into tight coverage. Yeah, I don't think the Chargers plan on stopping the run. Touchdown! And Boldin gets into it with the defender afterward. Fouts says offensive holding will bring this back. AND there's another hurt Charger. Let's take a breath and sort this all out.


And there's that Philip Rivers again.


THAT'S roughing the passer. Things aren't going to get better for the Chargers, are they? That should have been intercepted. Chargers going for it, and why not. Royal! Oliver got stuffed. But Gates didn't. Wait, the backup center's backup is down now? Good Lord. I think that's the first big play Vernon Davis has made all season... and it's probably coming back. That's... close. Then Kaepernick fumbles... TOUCHDOWN CHARGERS? Again, more flags. TOUCHDOWN CHARGERS. How do you line up illegally on back to back plays? KAEPERNICK!! Holy hell. That was 90 yards? Another Rivers interception. It's kind of amazing the 49ers haven't managed to score again. Fouts's dad was an announcer, too? Huh. He's also got a point — not a lot of dudes wearing #47 these days. Someone forgot to cover Gates. It's legitimately amazing that the Chargers still have a chance to win this game. But not if Rivers is gonna fumble. Oh, they got it back. How did Royal catch that?!? This drive is still going. TOUCHDOWN! Kaepernick saves the 49ers with another big run. Dawson's gonna try a 60-yarder? That's got no chance. 49ers win the toss. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.


The Chargers have thrown 25 straight passes? And now they probably won't throw another one.


The 49ers ran into the kicker? That's somehow fitting. (Chargers 38, 49ers 35, OT)

Signal Finder: KC @ PIT, DET @ CHI, MIN @ MIA (end), IND @ DAL

And the Steelers immediately go deep. If we're just going to trade field goals all game I don't like the Steelers' chances. Greg Gumbel just called DeAnthony Thomas Dri Archer. FAKE FIELD GOAL! Love it. Why does Steelers guy drop in coverage like that on the opposite side of the holder?


And of course the Steelers respond with an actual touchdown. Are they still reviewing this? Kelce's knee is clearly down. Meanwhile, this one on Charles is more difficult but that's hard to overturn. How do the camera people just find random payers' relatives? Is there a media sheet? Which sounds like quite the invasion of privacy if there is. Touchdown Steelers. Is Ben limping? He sure is. That's an odd taunting call. Like Gumbel said: It's not excessive, but it's not necessary either. Gay wasn't even the one who made the play. (Maybe that's why.) That field goal should do it and now we've got a fight for some reason. Someone's about to get tossed maybe. Wait, they flagged the Steelers player who got run over? Really? Weird kickoff. Why kick it that short? This drive is taking longer than the Eagles' Super Bowl drive. Come on, Andy. (Steelers 20, Chiefs 12)

Man, Calvin Johnson's gonna destroy this defense. That is, if Stafford can throw with any accuracy whatsoever. Meanwhile, Jimmy Clausen, the epitome of peaking in high school, predictably does nothing to start out. Stafford got very lucky on that 3rd down conversion to Bush — he threw a bad ball that got knocked down and Bush somehow pulled it in before it hit the turf. Touchdown. Hey, Clausen completed a pass! Sweet. So the Bears are going for this 4th and 1 because, sure. It's never good when you have to go back to a guy's college days to find something to talk about when he's been in the league five years. Go for this one, too. Why are you throwing it to a backup offensive lineman when you have Alshon Jeffrey? Geez. Kyle Fuller's the best guy the Bears have and Megatron is torching him. Stafford's been hit on three consecutive plays, yet the Lions are in the red zone because he somehow got off that pass to Tate. That looked bad and got worse. And the Bears can't capitalize because Jimmy Clausen. Fuller hasn't won too many of those battles. ANOTHER red zone interception. Did Tate break back late on that? Because it looked like he didn't see the ball. Bennett's forearm is down.


Aikman has a point about the challenge flags. Clausen just barely got that pass away.
The Lions may have gotten away with one. Meanwhile, the Bears drop nukes on their feet yet again. And then the Lions screw up a punt return! If you're not gonna catch it, get out of the way. Sick floater, Clausen. No, seriously, it was, and Forte walked it into the end zone. That this game is tied says a lot more about the Lions than it does about the Bears. Here's why I don't buy Aikman's take on Cutler: If you knew all of that other stuff about him, why give him the money in the first place? He's been benched because he's playing horribly and Trestman can't figure out why and he's trying to save his own job. I didn't expect to say this, but Clausen's been decent since the first two or three series.


Forte gets called for the worst hold of all time. He can't block Suh in his dreams. Touchdown? Touchdown! Then the Bears block the field goal. Man, the Lions just have had no luck with kickers this year. Jennings tried not to interfere and failed. Some bad tackling on that Bell touchdown.
I knew the Lions hadn't won in Lambeau in years (and won't next week) but 1991? That's pre-Favre. You literally cannot do that to a sliding quarterback, Ziggy. And Clausen was ready to fight him (and lose) and needed the ref to back him down. How did I miss Raiola's punk ass stomping on a Bear's foot? Meanwhile, Jeffrey's dropped about five passes today. And Clausen makes his first big mistake throwing into double coverage. It will also, of course, be his last. (Lions 20, Bears 14)

Tom McCarthy's doing NFL games? With ADAM ARCHULETA? Is CBS desperate? Carolina's BACK IN FIRST PLACE.


(Panthers 17, Browns 13; Falcons 30, Saints 14)

I think it's definitively been proven what some of us knew all along: Teddy Bridgewater was the best quarterback in this year's draft. Look at the Dolphins driving. Touchdown? Touchdown! That's a bad sack. BLOCKED PUNT SAFETY!! After the bad snap, the punter has to fall on it if he sees the guy coming, right? You risk them recovering for a touchdown if you don't. (Dolphins 37, Vikings 35)

There's legitimately no reason for Murray to play today. The Colts lose three yards on their first series, then call a FAKE PUNT? I hate the call, and not just because dude was wide open and dropped it.


Then Dez does what Dez does — slaughter overmatched cornerbacks. Why is Fleener looking for a flag when the pass hit him in the numbers? Do the Colts know there's a game today? They're blowing coverages like they're the Eagles. They can't catch passes, either. The Cowboys should take Murray out. I'm not even kidding. They don't need him any more today. Have the Colts gotten a first down yet? Oh, they have. Luck just overthrew his man and got intercepted in the end zone. This game's over.


Luck just threw back-to-back picks. It's so bad I'm switching to Sixers-Magic. SIXERS. MAGIC. Oh, the Cowboys scored again? Christ on wheels. And Matt Hasselbeck (yes, MATT HASSELBECK) is in for Luck. And we may not see Luck next week either since the Colts can't improve their playoff position. Wait, when did the Magic get Luke Ridnour? At this pace we might get Bills-Raiders bonus coverage.


Think Christie would have the balls to do this at MetLife? I don't. The hell with all of this, man. All of it. (Cowboys 42, Colts 7; 76ers 96, Magic 88)




Wait, there was a fight in Giants-Rams too? Every week for the last month two crap teams have thrown down. checks next week's schedule Bears-Vikings may have swordplay. (Giants 37, Rams 27)

Pray for Ryan Lindley, people. Wait, where's Lynch?


Lindley needed that completion badly. But you can't come back and throw it into double coverage like that, kid. Especially when the coverers are Thomas and Sherman.
The Cardinals are blitzing like madmen. Expect to see this all night. Lindley's not very accurate on his deep throws especially.
It'd be, what, a 52-yard field goal? On the road on 4th and 4? I might go for this. Hauschka misses. How do you line up offsides twice? And with a line in front of you? Cardinals going with five wide receivers for some reason. Now four. That... could have been disastrous. Lynch gets stuffed on his first carry.


Wow. How do you let Luke Willson beat you deep? Whoa. Logan Thomas? Well, Arias did say this might happen at some point. He damn near took a safety. The way Collinsworth is describing that play makes it sound terrible. Of course, they then show Elway successfully completing it but these guys aren't Elway. That's the right no-call. Although why Carroll risks guys like Sherman and Thomas on the punt teams I'll never understand. Uh-oh, they let Wilson get away. That run from Lynch went better than his first one. Now the Seahawks have the Cardinals exactly where they want them. Just think of all the penalties they get away with! Still can't believe that "O'Brien Schofield" is a name that a person has. Peterson just dropped the break the Cardinals needed. Hauschka missed ANOTHER one? Maybe they should start going for it. It's not because the roof's open because the Cardinals never open the roof any more. Floyd just out-jumped Sherman. Then Lindley gets sacked. Two plays later he drops the snap. Field goal is good. Wilson placed that pass perfectly. The Cardinals haven't covered a tight end in two years. We're done here. Terrible tackling on this Lynch run — you can't strip the ball from that guy. Settle down, Cris. Somebody stop the damn match.


The Cardinals look like they've given up — they just stopped chasing Sherman.


And the one dude who whiffed on Wilson during the touchdown run didn't even come forward before doing it. (Seahawks 35, Cardinals 6)

This is a foregone conclusion, right? Dalton's bad in prime time games and I just learned Peyton's never lost to the Bengals. Something that hasn't gotten nearly the play it should is Adam Jones, TAFKA PacMan, cleaning up his act and carving out a decent career for himself. How did Talib keep that from hitting the ground? And now A.J. Green's hurt? Oh, Ward got him on the arm after the ball went past. And this is what we talk about with Dalton. That was a bad throw and everyone paid for it. Hill! Great downfield blocking by the receivers, Sanu especially. Hey, Green's back. That's an odd time to go for it but OK. Good Lord, Reggie Nelson stole the ball from Julius Thomas. This'll stand.


Dalton on the move! Yeah, Gruden. Ware unblocked, Gresham uncovered. This may be the best game the Bengals' defense has played all year, also. I wonder if guys know when big plays are about to be called back. D. Thomas seemed to after he got up. The Bengals are overpowering this offensive line on every play. Bad decision by Peyton. Now Hill's limping. More Dalton running.


Also, the Broncos' defense is getting beaten off the line as well. Dalton almost screwed that up twice. That's a big kickoff return and what the Broncos needed. C.J. Anderson should stick to running the ball for now. I guess nobody's covering kickoffs anymore. Gio! The Bengals have had some long snapping issues tonight but they've survived. Peyton's still getting rushed every play. How did Sanders catch that? I thought for sure that throw was going out of bounds. Then he carries two Bengals into the end zone like he's a running back on a dive play.


The Broncos can't stop this offense. That's a stupid penalty. Miller just took the ball back from Hill. It feels like something has turned for the Broncos' offense. We haven't called Wes Welker's name a lot this year. Hey, is that rain? Very nice footwork by Sanders. Hill just fumbled away points. Sanders again!


Another Jones pick? Whatever turned for the Broncos just turned back. That's also a stupid penalty. Lot of mirror imaging going on in this game. And now they've stopped covering punt returns.
Gruden's not a fan of that face mask call. Field goal Bengals. Well, sure, Taylor Mays wasn't fast enough to play safety so the Broncos didn't bother looking for him to blitz.THE  HELL JUST HAPPENED?? Was that a mixup or just a bad throw?


Either way, the Bengals just might win this game, which is a game they never win, not even recently when they've been good. It bears repeating: Peyton's been getting beaten up every which way tonight. Wait, that's an interception. That's not what you called it the first time! I mean, you got it right, but still. This is legitimately unbelievable. (Bengals 37, Broncos 28)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (12-3) — Still business as usual
2. Green Bay (11-4) — Put away lowly Buccaneers
3. Seattle (11-4) — Administering beatings everywhere
4. Denver (11-4) — Suffered bad loss in ideal circumstances

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (3-12) — Rex's last Patriots game. It was kind of sad
30. Oakland (3-12) — Playing spoiler suits them right now
31. Tennessee (2-13) — It's bad when you lose to the Jaguars
32. Tampa Bay (2-13) — Having '70s flashbacks
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