Friday, January 2, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Roads' End

Signal Finder: PHI@ NYG, SD @ KC, DET @ GB, CAR  @ ATL



So Rex's last game is Geno's best? Figures. (Jets 37, Dolphins 24)

It's CHASE DANIEL time, y'all! But not just yet, as the Chiefs deferred the opening kickoff. Why not call a fair catch, DeAnthony Thomas? That's how people get killed. NOW it's Chase Daniel time and he starts with a pitch. This guy can run too. The main cameraman getting fooled is always a precious thing. This drive is most of what you could want but the finish wasn't ideal. Eagle just accurately described Rivers' throw to Royal as dropping it in the bucket. Wait... is this a Chiefs wide receiver catching a touchdown pass?  NO IT IS NOT. They ruled that Bowe fumbled into the end zone and Kelce recovered it, so he gets the credit.


Daniel's played well so far. Bomb to Royal! And Oliver finishes it off. The Chargers needed that. I keep expecting Jenny Dell to be blonde and I don't know why. I've seen her at about eight games this year and I know she's not blonde. If the Chargers lose this game it's because they couldn't protect Rivers. That's a key sack by Freeney, who I keep forgetting is a Charger now. That's what, the Chiefs' fourth sack already? Justin Houston has 20 sacks this year? Wow. I had no idea. Another Chiefs field goal. Good Lord, Kurt Coleman just made the first play of his career. The Chargers are toast.


FUMBLE. That's also Houston's 21st sack. Chiefs ball! Of course, they keep settling for field goals and keeping the Chargers kind of still in it. ANOTHER sack. It's the timing of these that's been the bigger issue. Rivers just made a Sanchez-esque throw into too-tight coverage. Theyre trying a 52-yarder? That's desperation. Missed it left. Touchdown Chargers! Good throw by Rivers. Wait, they overturned it? What happened? Oh, the ball hit the ground. And now Royal's hurt and NOW the Chargers have to go for it on 4th. Nope. They should have called a run on 3rd down. The clock's stopped and it's four-down territory — there's no reason to kick a field goal down 12. I mean, I just don't want the Ravens to make it. Is that asking too much?


4th and 1 and the Chargers get stuffed. That's that. And Houston finishes Rivers off with No. 22. So that interception won't count? Not that it matters. (Chiefs 19, Chargers 7; Ravens 20, Browns 10; Texans 23, Jaguars 17)



The Buccaneers BLEW that lead? Wait, of course they did. Hey, Marcus. You ever been to a strip club? (Saints 23, Buccaneers 20)


And that result may well leave Jameis Winston for the Titans and Ken Whisenhunt. Ken Whisenhunt and quarterbacks. That'll go well. (Colts 27, Titans 10)

Does nobody on this team know to turn around and look for a pass? Randle isn't even that good and there were two guys on him. That was quick. That was just as quick.


Apparently nobody's planning on playing defense today, at least so far. Two bad throws by Eli lead to a punt. I think that's three straight plays with a penalty. Sanchez can't make that throw. I don't mean situationally, I mean that's a throw he's never been able to make with any consistency or accuracy. Unless they're saying dude grabbed Cooper's arm? I mean, sure. Did McCoy slip at the half-yard line? Celek worked for that one.


Beckham runs sharp routes — Carroll got fooled on that out route. Hey, a defensive stop that was actually because of defense. Terrible drop by Donnell. He juggled it three times. Brutal.
Sanchez won't escape that one. That was so telegraphed. Then Eli throws into triple coverage and Jenkins almost comes up with it. Hey, Boykin made a play! That's what the second one this year? If you're the Giants, why would you ever kick a field goal in this game? You're 6-9. Hell, if you're the Eagles, why would you ever kick a field goal in this game?


Hey, at least Watkins turned and looked for the ball. Beckham's got to calm down. It was incidental contact. If anything, they could have flagged Jenkins for the late hit, and then there should have been a flag on Beckham for taking his helmet off. Now Cary drops a pick in the end zone. Eli's been alternating between great and horrific from play to play. Wait, the Eagles are driving? You can't leave anyone uncovered in this league. Even Riley Cooper. That one was almost picked off. And the Eagles go into halftime with the lead after all. BLOCKED PUNT!! TOUCHDOWN!! Was that the first time Weatherford's had one blocked in his career? Yep, sure was. 3rd and 24. Giants should get this. Now it's 3rd and 29. It's a LOCK. What? The Eagles held on a 3rd and 29? THE TIDE IS TURNING. The Giants need to dump Will Beatty. Dude is hurt half the time, stinks the other half and just cost them a touchdown with a holding call. Sanchez just missed a long pass to Huff. That's a great play by Watkins to break up that pass. McCoy just faked somebody out of his pants.


Then Watkins loses his feet and Beckham has no trouble with that one. Good work salvaging that one, Matthews. Then Nate Allen swoops in with the pick on another bad Eli throw. Thank God that's over. (Eagles 34, Giants 26)



Did the Cowboys really call an onside kick in the second quarter up two touchdowns? That's straight-up disrespectful until you remember that this is a revenge game. (Cowboys 44, Redskins 17)

No extraneous violence? In a division rivalry game, no less? I'm disappointed, you scrubs. (Vikings 13, Bears 9)

The following tweet epitomizes the Buffalo Bills:

(Bills 17, Patriots 9)

An end around to the opposite side of an unbalanced line? I like it, Panthers. I like it a lot. The Panthers have always needed a running game with their backs to be successful. Like, forever. (Their biggest problem is that they overpaid both of these guys and now can't afford a line to block for them.) Touchdown. There are still fullbacks? Well, maybe not after that drop. That cost the Falcons four points. You can't leave the middle of the field open if you miss Cam on a rush.

That's the only way Roman Harper can make plays anymore — throw the ball right to him. I mean, that was bad. And he's been declining for four years now. Is this another Falcons turnover? Yeah, that's a fumble. There was a lot of perfectly legal pushing on Cam's touchdown run. Matt Ryan just got sacked again. Settle down, Riverboat Ron. That's interference at any level. The Falcons fans didn't even cheer the penalty announcement. And then on the same drive, Ryan throws another interception that gets returned for a touchdown. Game, set, match.


Wait... we finally have a repeat NFC South champion. (Panthers 34, Falcons 3)





Sometimes people just don't get along and never will. After last week, I was actually wondering if a loss here could get Harbaugh fired outright, because what difference does it really make what you call it when he's leaving anyway? Plus, that would have been five straight losses to end the season, which is closer to Rich Kotite territory than anyone should ever want to be. Meanwhile, I can't remember a team going into the playoffs colder than the Cardinals are. (49ers 20, Cardinals 17)

Hey, at least Brock Osweiler got to play this time. Even threw a couple balls around. (Broncos 47, Raiders 14)

That Stafford stat (0-15 on the road against winning teams) is whatever the bad version of phenomenal is. The Packers are suddenly struggling in the red zone. They're going for it? How hard is it to call a running play? How does that take so much time? And then it didn't even work! That's huge for the Lions. And of course, they get no yards out of it AND GIVE UP A PUNT RETURN TOUCHDOWN. The Lions are inside their own 20 again? Hey, they got out. Every time a team recovers its own fumble it feels like luck. Lacy fumbled? Who has it? This should be Lions ball. Stafford just overthrew Calvin. The Packers are really struggling to tackle Joique Bell. Is it starting to snow? The Lions should go for this 4th down because their kicking game has been terrible all year. Also, why did they go away from the run on this drive before this? Still, going for it was probably the right move even though the pass was bad. Throw a better pass next time. UH-OH. Rodgers completed the touchdown pass but he's limping badly. Hey, Matt Flynn has a history of cutting the Lions up. They'll be fine if it comes to that. They're carting him off.


Stafford just threw a ball right to an official. Wait, Tate didn't get the first down? Doesn't matter. I'm not a fan of these "tap the QB on the head and it's a flag" flags. That's a sick throw by Stafford for a much-needed touchdown. And here's Flynn. Nothing much happened there. Now Rodgers is out on the sideline. Good throw by Stafford to Tate. Lions going for it on ANOTHER 4th down. Stafford sneak? Did he get it? He did! Stafford is so confounding. He's like a better Dalton but he fills the Cutler role at the same time. Megatron! We're tied.


Kickoff out of bounds? Good job, good effort. Rodgers is back in. The Packers just ran down the field and took the lead again. We've hit a dead spot. The Lions block a field goal, but Stafford fumbles the ensuing snap. This is why they don't win here. That's a facemask. Touchdown Packers. Wait, what? They called grounding in the end zone? This is what I was talking about earlier with Stafford. How does he not know where he is? Cobb muffed the free kick? That's legitimately amazing. The Lions just don't get breaks like that. Touchdown! They have a chance! And now they don't. (Packers 30, Lions 20)

And after all that... the Seahawks still got home field advantage. (Seahawks 20, Rams 6)

We need an update on Ben's stomach. WE NEED IT. Jebus. Is there a bug going around? Ben just went back to the locker room. I can't get over the weird setup they have at Heinz Field, where the teams go down a side staircase that's cut into the stands. Antonio Brown just reversed direction on that punt return and scored. Dalton could have a field day tonight. Or not.


I guess Ben's full of Pepto. This is kind of what I meant when I said Dalton could have a field day tonight — all of the Steelers' corners came directly off the street. Touchdown Gio! And now a low snap gives the Bengals the ball back. They got a field goal out of it, which is something. I still don't remember Bell being as involved in the passing game in college. That's a high throw but Green's better than not catching it. Jesus, Bryant AND Sammy Watkins? How did anyone stop Clemson? Oh, right, Clemson stops themselves. I remain amazed that James Harrison is still contributing in 2014. That Sanu pass wasn't good. What's taking so long? I'm not sure Hill made it. That Dalton sneak was odd. Not that they did it, but everything around it — the initial stop, the Steelers signaling no good while Dalton was still pushing — a lot going on there. I think I'd have considered going for this, too. Is this the bad end of Heinz Field, also? I can't remember. Anyway, Nugent missed. The deep ball hasn't been a friend to either side tonight. Bell being down is not good. That's the end result of guys trying not to go high — they go low and that happens. And that interception isn't better. So there were as many penalties on that play as there had been in the game up to that point. Cris mentioning the fallen Bengals we'd forgotten about. Speaking of which, do the Steelers even really have a backup running back? That's a very important touchdown for the Bengals. Well, that answers THAT question, holding penalty aside. Fake punt... gets intercepted by a wide receiver? If y'all say so. Green is wide open, makes the catch, then gets the ball stripped and the Steelers recover and he gets a forearm to the face for his troubles. This is why the Bengals don't win these games. Actually, Dre Kirkpatrick falling down and Antonio Brown scoring despite running into his own teammate is why the Bengals don't win these games. See, I hate this. Wouldn't you try to score a touchdown first? Well, you can't take a sack. It's hard to tie in passing yards. Ravens-Steelers? In the playoffs? NBC has the biggest erection right now. (Steelers 27, Bengals 17)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (12-4) — Home freeze home
2. Green Bay (12-4) — Rules Northern kingdom again
3. Seattle (12-4) — Back to opening night form
4. Denver (12-4) — Seem to be having an identity crisis

BOTTOM 4:
29. Washington (4-12) — A final embarrassment
30. Oakland (3-13) — Still running in place
31. Tennessee (2-14) — Not a good time for football in the Volunteer State
32. Tampa Bay (2-14) — This feels like order has been restored
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