Saturday, December 6, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: The Hard Cut

Really, the Bears' offense should have followed the Cowboys' new blueprint. Cutler would be much better off with a running game that, you know, worked. Good block by Marshall on the Jeffrey touchdown but you'd hope so with his size. Wait, Phil actually did go to Jets-Bills? I didn't believe him. Is this a fumble? I thought the Lions payer had it for a while but then the scramble re-started. Yeah, that's a fumble and Bears ball. Also we've got a rumble. Touchdown Bears. It seems like Calvin Johnson is solely responsible for all of Stafford's success over the years. Nice coverage, Bears.


The Seahawks miss that Tate dude. That's a gunshot right in the foot. Caldwell's going for it on 4th down and why not? The Bears defense is God awful. Bell got there. Somebody's on fire right now. So are we not having halftime concerts at the games this year? I mean, I'm OK with that, but still.


Whatever happened to Earl Bennett? Gould has zero field goal attempts in three games? That's how bad the Bears have been, man. There's no way that Stafford pass to Tate shouldn't have been intercepted.


Shot of Bears defensive coordinator Mel Tucker, who should be thankful for gainful employment. Tate took two shots on that catch. Dude tried to yank Stafford's helmet off. That's always illegal. Nantz: "Can they hold them to a field goal?" Doubt it. And then the Lions score. Wait, no they don't. And that's not a challenge that you're gonna win, so don't waste it. That was much easier anyway. Cutler just threw a deflecterception. Why is Nantz talking like the Bears still have a shot at the playoffs? Now they're talking about the NFC South and Simms calls it "fascinating to watch."


I mean, Trestman didn't bench Cutler during the Lambeau Massacre. I don't see what changes. 3rd and 19? Screen pass! Why are any Bears getting All-Iron votes? Lateral madness! Please don't extend this game. (Lions 34, Bears 17)

Remember, the butt fumble was on a Thanksgiving night game. Oh, not you too, Joe. Sweet crossover. The Giants showed you can run on the Cowboys, and Chip wants to run deep in his heart. This pace seems faster than normal. Sanchez with the sneak! Smooth as peanut butter should be. You can see the Cowboys almost forcing the run so far. Joe seems skeptical of that spot. That screen died when Murray started running across the field instead of down it. There was enough contact by both Fletcher and Dez that I'm fine with letting it go. Big run by McCoy. There's the 'open' end of Jerryworld. Nice hands, Cooper. Matthews for the touchdown! This is crazy. Scandrick had said that the Cowboys only went through walkthroughs and weren't sure how they'd deal with the pace. Not well so far, I'd say.


Dez is going to win the majority of those. That was also too easy. Good patience on that run by McCoy to wait for the hole to open up and get a first down. The snap to Sanchez  been an odd problem the last couple of weeks. Maclin! He was on the right sideline and ran all the way across the field (as Cooper waved him over). Good play by Church to save four points.


Kendricks just took Murray down by his arm while he face mask was being grabbed. Romo just missed that throw. Back-to-back three-and-outs. Really, Cowboys? Church ran into Harris — his teammate — and cost the Cowboys 10 yards. The Cowboys are having their own snap problems. Not sure what happened there. Didn't see Scandrick grab Cooper's facemask at first, and neither did the announcers. Yeah, that's a hold. That didn't look like it was going to work. Oh, yeah, that's a catch and fumble. Good play, Boykin. Looks like Allen's inbounds, too. This should hold up.


Unfortunately, nobody was open for Sanchez and we're kicking field goals again.


So forget what I said about the concerts, then. Have we decided what Pitbull is yet? Oh, Shady. Don't do that. You know who I haven't heard from at all today is Terrence Williams. Is he hurt? Good job by the Eagles' D to hold the Cowboys to a field goal there. McCoy just redeemed himself and maybe ended this game in the process. Poor Nate Allen. Gets a rare pick taken away by a kind of dumb holding penalty on Cary. And then Cary gets Romo on the same drive. (There's Terrence Williams, stopping on the route.) This one will be overturned because McCoy's down. What'd Cooper do? Sanchez is HOT. They got rid of that stupid Galloping Gobbler turkey trophy? Awesome!


Punt coverage is a violent game. Oh, I didn't even realize Harris came from the middle of the field just to lay Carroll out. Fine his punk ass. Now I'm seeing they may have actually flagged him for taking a swing at somebody afterwards. He just made himself a target. Sanchez may not throw another pass. He even slides better than he did with the Jets.


They just handed the ball to Josh Huff. That's a troll move and I approve of it. (Eagles 33, Cowboys 10)

Is that a pumpkin on Costas' desk? Whoever loses tonight is in real trouble.


Has anyone completed a pass? Will anyone complete a pass? That's the danger of challenging Sherman. I mean, you have to do it, but still. Turbin! The corners of the end zones are busy places these days. Al: "How did that happen?" Was Wilson over the line of scrimmage? That was crazy otherwise, and of course nobody covers the tight ends on this team. That's a big stop by the 49ers. Why don't the 49ers go downfield? Where was that pass, Kap?


Ryan almost drops the snap on the punt, then the 49ers fumble the return and the Seahawks get it back. I don't remember Lynch ever being this involved in the passing game before. We got another skirmish? I'm not surprised, actually — we have two teams that already don't like each other in a game that's desperate times for both. I feel like the 49ers haven't made a first down yet. Oh, there's one. That punt deal went completely beyond me. 49ers wasting time as usual. Refs missed a face mask. Gore catches passes? Don't leave Anquan Boldin uncovered. Madden has authorized this turkey thing, right? I don't want anyone to get sued. Hey, a 49ers field goal! That'll solve everything! It only took the rest of the third quarter to get it, too. Sherman picks Kaepernick again and that's game. This Seahawks team is getting dangerously hot. Sherman wants mac and cheese! crosses off 49ers (Seahawks 19, 49ers 3)

Signal Finder: NO @ PIT, SD @ BAL, NE @ GB

Good throw, Rivers! (That was sarcasm.) This Chargers season has been the exact opposite of last season. Hey, Ryan Mathews is back. That should last five drives. Rivers running? That's some comedy right there. He and Gates are cutting up this Ravens defense. NICE touchdown catch by Keenan Allen, which should stand. That across the field throw by Flacco is so not textbook. Did he hit his head on the turf? This is the slowest bootleg ever.


More field goals! That's a bad penalty 20 yards in front of where the ball actually was. Oh, it was roughing the passer? That's even worse. The Chargers are shooting themselves in the foot on this drive. 1,000 yards for Forsett. Flacco sneak! Allen had to dive to a strange spot to catch that one. It seems like a lot of Rivers' throws to Allen today have been somewhat off target. And he just did it again on a touchdown pass. I don't mean odd as in the way Rivers passes are always odd. I mean odd as in "woefully inaccurate" odd. Jacoby Jones can still do that. Eagle: "The kickoff strategy for the Chargers has not worked today." That's the second time Dumervil has visibly lined up offside. Oh man, this pass interference in the end zone may have been on Floyd but the officials called it on Levine. One of the many things to hate about the Ravens is how they always, ALWAYS blame the refs after a loss. This time, they may well be justified.


Flacco was lucky to not get sacked. Gotta call time out! Wait, he wasn't out of bounds? Game over! Chargers win! (Chargers 34, Ravens 33)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-67.


(Jaguars 25, Giants 24)

FOX has mashed up the announce teams again, so Donovan McNabb is here with Brenneman. Teams might want to put the flea-flicker back in the back of the playbook for a while — it's not fooling anyone anymore. Bell is running through dudes. Francoooooo. Suisham MADE that? I'm legitimately stunned. Saints offense still isn't doing anything. en's holding his hand like he hurt it but I'm not sure what happened. Bell is just running through and around the Saints here. That throw to Moore for the first down wasn't bad. Antonio Brown just took an interception away from Patrick Robinson, who's been robbed at both ends of this drive. Another field goal? Fine. The Saints have found something with Ingram on these last few plays. Touchdown. Hey, the Saints finally get one of those interceptions. Good throw by Brees to Stills. Great placement. It's like the Saints stole the Steelers' game plan.


Ben's missed a couple of big plays on this drive. There's another one into traffic. That hand injury seems to be affecting him but I can't figure how. 54 yards with Suisham is a bet you just can't make. Man, the refs say "Our bad" and the fans STILL boo. That's some horrible publicity right there. Another Saints interception, this one off a tipped pass. Hey, a NICK TOON sighting! This game has turned dramatically. Now neither side can stop big plays and the Steelers can't finish. This game is a prime example of field goals losing games.


McNabb's right — Jimmy Graham's been silenced. How did Ike Taylor not intercept that? Wait, they called it incomplete? Challenge that, Payton! Good. Then the Steelers commit holding to wipe out a sack. Another touchdown. I don't know if this is the Steelers playing down to their competition again or the Saints playing by far their best game of the season. Robinson should have three interceptions. McNabb's shouting out his high school for some reason. Why is Ben still in? Get that hand looked at. Touchdown Steelers? Yes! Are they gonna have time to do this? No. (Saints 35, Steelers 32)

This mess with Jay Gruden and RGIII reminds me a lot of Josh McDaniels and Jay Cutler in Denver, and we all know how that ended for both parties. I mean, I always thought Colt McCoy got screwed in Cleveland and I'm glad he's getting another shot, but this just seems cheap. And I don't know if Jon Gruden would have gotten more out of Griffin (his undoing in Tampa was his inability to develop a long-term solution at quarterback, but then, that franchise has never done that), but he definitely would have handled this better.


This was supposed to be Luck vs. Griffin, remember? Look, somebody named "Boom" just broke off a 49-yarder. I think you've gotta reconsider some things. This turned into an air show fairly quickly, and there aren't many teams you'd bet against the Colts in an air show. (Colts 49, Redskins 27)






Super Bowl preview? Sure, why not, as this is the only team left that can beat the Patriots in their current state. There's the shot downfield. And it's Adams that Rodgers finds and the Patriots probably weren't looking for. Nah, Phil, the crosser wasn't open long enough. The Patriots seem to be duplicating their game plan for the Lions — put Revis on the No. 2 guy, double the No. 1 guy, and make guys 3 through 6 beat them in the air.


OUCH. We see now that Jamie Collins stepped on it during the slide. "There is no foul on the play. There is no play." Rodgers to Rodgers! (No relation.) Did Brandon Bolden lose like 30 pounds? He used to be huge, right? Now Cobb's starting to get behind the Patriots' defense and that's dangerous. That's an... interesting spot. You need to dedicate more resources than that to stopping Gronk in the open field. I love how people think Brandon LaFell is good now because Tom Brady is his quarterback. There's Jordy Nelson. And he beat Revis, who then got blocked.




Crosby missed? Uh-oh. I'm not sure what happened at halftime but both defenses have tightened up considerably. LaFell again. Patrick Chung gives up two consecutive first downs in coverage? That sounds familiar. And now he's hurt. Crosby got that one easily. The Patriots are pacing this drive almost perfectly. Gostkowski MISSED!


Damn, Tom. You kiss Gisele with that mouth? (Packers 26, Patriots 21)

Hey, that's Brandon Banks for Hamilton, one-time Redskins return man. Dude took two punts to the house last week and had a third called back. They got Imagine Dragons for halftime? That's pretty big for the Grey Cup. Russell Wilson snuck in? Cool.


Why are you kicking a field goal with two minutes left, Hamilton? You might not get the ball back. Ah, crap. Well, they got the stop. BANKS AGAIN? Er, no. Yeah, that's a pretty easy call. Now Hamilton's at their own 10. Don't take a sack! Collaros's arm got hit and this one's over. Calgary's quarterback is named "Bo Levi" which is awfully Texan for Canada. Oh, he's FROM Texas. Well that's acceptable. (Stampeders 20, Tiger-Cats 16)

The Chiefs switched to all-red for tonight because that's Eric Berry's favorite. C.J. Anderson doing things makes me realize that it's kind of amazing how the Broncos have been finding these people for almost 20 years. Have the Chiefs made a first down yet? Have they gotten a stop? Oh, there's one. FAKE PUNT. This has that feeling of being one of those games. D. Thomas has to catch that. First down Chiefs! Big run by Charles to convert anotehr first down. This Chiefs offense has suddenly become a juggernaut. Can they go through a whole season without a wide receiver catching a touchdown pass? Why are the Broncos taking so much time? And for THAT? Also, new kicker.


Peyton fumbles? Kurt Coleman's still in the league? Jesus Christ, Andy. That's the exact opposite of the way the Chiefs started this game. Or maybe not. Dwayne Bowe's a possession receiver. How does he not catch that? The Broncos' first punt reminds me that it's also a Colquitt brothers meeting. Interception by Ware. And another missed opportunity. That's a terrible punt. Broncos ball! Collinsworth said Cooper never saw it but he turns around right before it hits him. All these field goals are turning this game into death by a thousand cuts. "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd? Seriously, NBC DJ? The Chiefs are actually humming pretty well here.


Prediction: That'll be costly. The NEXT PLAY. The Chiefs need a sopt or turnover on this drive and I don't think they're going to get it. Did Alex Smith slide into Ward or what? Oh, Ward just hit him. That ended up not amounting to much, either. That was a good catch-and-run by Avery before he fumbled it. These last six minutes have been interminable. (Broncos 29, Chiefs 16)



What's all this? The Dolphins had 12 men on the field on the first play of the game? Fake spike callback already? It's been a quiet season for Chris Johnson because he's washed up, guys. Percy Harvin hasn't done a lot with the Jets. Whoa! Chris Johnson with moves! Seriously, Dolphins? Greg Salas? Untouched? You can't be a contender if you're doing things like that. No Wilkerson for the Jets? That's a problem. Or maybe not, as the Jets stiffened and even got Tannehill down twice, leading to a missed field goal. This feels like the game that confirms that the Dolphins aren't ready yet. And then they show footage of Week 17 last year, where the Dolphins were in a win-and-in situation against... the Jets... and choked like dogs. Good job selling Falcons-Packers as a battle of division leaders, Tirico. That's why he makes the big bucks. That option to Harvin almost didn't work. The Jets are determined to not have Geno Smith throw a pass tonight, apparently. And that's why. And then Folk misses, wasting about seven to eight minutes of drive time. Tannehill just threw a terrible pass that Calvin Pace dropped. Wallace may be out of bounds here. Eh, if y'all say so. Why not go down the field, Dolphins? These Jets corners are worthless.


I'll keep asking since it's Dolphins ball in the second half here. Wayne Chrebet was secretly a baller. I'm pretty sure he'd be the Jets' best offensive player now. There'll be no overturning this call, not with that pileup.


The Jets continue to refuse to throw the ball. I can only assume there's no real reason to envaluate Geno since this whole staff will be fired by noon on the Monday after week 17. Blocked punt! Dion Jordan lives! No. 3 overall pick for a special teams semi-ace. Good job, Jeff Ireland! Did that pass hit the ground? NOPE. Tannehill tried to pull a Stafford and failed horribly. Geno got crunched on that sack. Now they've got Shula on the phone.


That free agent quarterback class is just SAD. The Jets almost gave the Dolphins another opportunity to squander. That's good field position. Touchdown Miller! We're tied. Feel the excitement.




And the Jets get a red zone stop, which leads to ANOTHER FIELD GOAL. Now the Jets have to pass. And that's why they haven't been. (Dolphins 16, Jets 13)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Green Bay (9-3) — Kings in the cold
2. New England (9-3) — I mean, if they can't beat Rodgers at Lambeau, who can?
3. Denver (9-3) — These guys just chug along like it's nothing
4. Philadelphia (9-3) — Just made a statement

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Giants (3-9) — Loss to Jaguars could be an all-timer
30. Tampa Bay (2-10) — At least Mike Evans is a straight-up boss
31. N.Y. Jets (2-10) — Clipping their own wings almost worked
32. Oakland (1-11) — You sure this is what you want, Los Angeles?
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