Sunday, December 14, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Blood and Circuses

Already Romo's carving up the Bears' "defense". Did Dez just throw Kyle Fuller to the ground? Huh. A sack. Well, the Bears got no money out of that one. Was that punt almost blocked? 4th and 1 from the Bears 11 and the Cowboys are GOING FOR IT? This is astounding. They got it pretty easily.
This game is flying by. I'm already sick of the Thursday Night Football music going into every break. Get a DJ, NFL Network. That's a quality stretch at the goal line. I know I said this last week but the Bears' refusal to run the ball is staggering. It would take SO MUCH pressure off Cutler.


That's the kind of thing that happens to bad teams. A good gain wiped out by a fumble after an unnecessary move. That was quick. That's the second time tonight Beasley's done magic tricks around the goal line. Chris Conte's usually terrible coverage didn't help, either. This may not count, though. Pretty sure Nantz and Simms expected a different outcome. Simms agrees with me about the Bears' running game. That's bad, right? Dez! Why hasn't he gotten paid yet? Touchdown.
First time I remember seeing B-roll from Lou Malnati's. Usually it's a hot dog stand. This third quarter seems like it's taking as long as the first half did.


THE COWBOYS WILL FINISH ABOVE .500. I REPEAT. THE DALLAS COWBOYS WILL FINISH ABOVE .500. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. (Cowboys 41, Bears 28)

Signal Finder: PIT @ CIN, NYG @ TEN, IND @ CLE (end), NYJ @ MIN (OT), SEA @ PHI

I mean, might as well empty the playbook, right? These are two terrible teams doing terrible things. Odell Beckham Jr. is literally the only reason to watch this game.




I mean, if they'd blown this one, you could make an argument for immediate contraction. (Giants 36, Titans 7)

The Saints and Panthers got into a fight? Like, a real fight? With punches being thrown and everything? watches This is wild. That's the first time a lot of those guys have hit anyone this year. I think we can safely pronounce the Superdome mystique dead and buried. (Panthers 41, Saints 10)

Dalton needed IVs last week? Huh. And yet I'm not sure that explains anything. Offensive linemen recovering fumbles! I mean, I know why it exists, but why not just make the fourth down fumble rule the rule all the time? The Bengals are getting a bit too cute early. Has anyone gotten a first down yet? Now we got a scuffle on the far sideline. Hey, first downs! Stop lobbying, Bell didn't get to the goal line. But Heath Miller did. What is that they chant whenever he makes a catch? In the Tennessee game I thought they were booing him but ive heard it in every game since then, too. That's a good play by both Dalton and Green on that hover bomb. And the fake leaves Gresham all alone for the touchdown. Fouts: "Nobody's covering the tight ends today." That's a great interception by Gay to take it away from Green... that will not count. Andy Dalton just outran the Steelers.


The offenses have started to get in sync now — Ben's walking the Steelers down the field. That's bad tackling by Newman. Three high throws by Ben = field goal. Bell to the corner! A.J. Green just clowned Mike Mitchell after torching Ike Taylor. And Bell follows that up with a big run. Dalton fumble? Dalton fumble! He screwed up the handoff and the Steelers get a break after having to settle for a field goal last time. Bell for the touchdown. This game has turned into a cavalcade of big plays. There was nobody else on the screen with Bryant.


Oh, Dalton's hurting. Why did the Steelers accept the holding penalty on 3rd down? Baffling. Dalton comes back in after missing one play. The Steelers keep running that same run to the left and the Bengals have lost the ability to stop it. And that's that. (Steelers 42, Bengals 21)




Jeff Fisher: Mediocre coach, world-class troll. (Rams 24, Redskins 0)

Wait, Colts-Browns was on FOX? And how exactly were the Colts losing this game? Great catch by Moncrief, and good smarts to know he wasn't touched and get up and get five more yards. Luck is throwing bullets out there. That was dangerous... and almost costly. He didn't get it OH WAIT HE DID. Nice second effort by Herron. THE CLEVELAND HILTON IS OPEN. That's a crusher. (Colts 25, Browns 24)



This Jets-Vikings recap is one of the cringeworthiest recap packages I've ever seen. OH MY GOD. Big man for the Jets is not gonna catch that dude. Let's not be talking about the Vikings' playoff chances. (Vikings 30, Jets 24, OT)

Not the greatest kickoff. A run on 3rd and 15? That caught the Eagles completely off guard. MARCUS SMITH LIVES! Though they gave that sack to Barwin for... some reason. Damn, that's a good punt. Joe is incredulous at that Panthers-Saints result and it's hard to blame him. Good work by Barwin and Kendricks to run down Wilson. Punter drops the snap?!? Eagles going for it here? McCoy got it! Thanks, Pete Carroll, for wasting 30 seconds of our lives with that measurement.


I honestly wasn't sure Maclin was going to stay inbounds. What the heck was Lockette doing?




Sweet fake. No, really. Cole bit on it and Wilson will never score an easier touchdown. That's a bad, severe offsides by Cole. This Seahawks offensive line has struggled this year and the Eagles are taking advantage. At the same time, the Seahawks' defense has forced the Eagles into some generally strange things on offense.


Seahawks are wasting time like they're the 49ers. Vinny Curry has eight sacks and he doesn't even start. And the Eagles give up another big play. Chip has been in these officials' faces all game. And now McCoy fumbles. Who was responsible for Lynch in coverage? Anyone? Anyone at all? Now Carroll's challenging that Huff fumbled the kickoff return. This could get ugly fast. Well, the Eagles keep the ball at least. Ertz! He hasn't been part of the offense in weeks. As bad as Fletcher has been this year, that's a bad call. And it ends with a touchdown.


Wait, FOX has golf? Nice work, Maclin. I don't know how Sanchez even got the pass off. So they showed that Ertz was open but Sanchez didn't go his way, but don't show if Sherman held Maclin on the same play?


Then Maxwell gets away with contact on Matthews and Jason Peters gets flagged for saying something. The Eagles are losing their composure. Lockette just schooled Cary Williams off the line of scrimmage.


Lynch fumbles? That's even better. Oh, Sanchez. I don' t know if there was a miscommunication or the pass was bad but that's the interception he always throws. Jenkins just dropped an interception that would have made this a three-point game. And if anything, he was overaggressive in going after it.


The Seahawks keep rushing for first downs. That No. 4 spot in my rankings appears to be cursed. Although, good news if you're a Cardinals fan... guess who just took over that spot? (Seahawks 24, Eagles 14)

It's crazy to think the 49ers peaked in Week 4. (Raiders 24, 49ers 13)

The Patriots came here straight from Green Bay. Curious to see if that makes any kind of difference. Jonas Gray overslept and got put in the doghouse for three weeks.


That's all of the things right there. Completion, fumble, touchdown Chargers.


The Patriots blocked the punt? Scifres may be hurt. What happened? Oh. That's a bad landing if anything. Did they wrap him with duct tape? Brady "running" is always a treat. So much for covering Gronk with a cornerback. Kyle Arrington is so bad. You can't trip people! And shock of shocks Mathews is hurt again. Now this punting situation does get interesting. And here's Novak. Short. Hey, a Danny Amendola sighting! Manti Te'o just picked off Brady. And no, he didn't imagine that.


This interception is all kinds of chaotic. Is it a pick? Is it a fumble? Is it a touchdown at the other end? Wait, what? Helmet-to-helmet? WOW. And that's a bad call. Green's still down, by the way. The one after that is the one that they didn't call on Floyd last week. A "Fifty Shades" joke? Good Lord, Al. How does Rivers not see him when he's looking right at him? I mean, if you're gonna snap the ball quickly, SNAP THE BALL QUICKLY. Novak's punts have progressively gotten better. This really has been a mostly defensive struggle. Edelman broke two tackles. Nice work. That 3rd down play was doomed to failure. Are they punting? Really? With a non-punter, even? Wow, that's a white flag.


Yep. (Patriots 23, Chargers 14)

BATTLE OF DIVISION LEADERS. I don't think the Packers threw a single pass on that drive. That's terrifying. (Actually, they did.) Look at the Falcons answering. And look at the Packers answering back. Bad pass, Ryan. Devin Hester never did learn how to play receiver, did he? Another touchdown for Lacy, which is bad for my one fantasy team but you don't care. FAT GUY DIVING. That replay reversal garnered sympathy boos. The Falcons are awful tacklers.




Rodgers ran around for about four minutes before finally finding Nelson. What has killed the Falcons is criminal neglect on both lines. Julio Jones! This is four-down territory, right? Didi they lose yards? Of course, Mike Smith's so bad he'll kick the field goal here. He didn't! And the Falcons still have a chance! Did... did the Falcons get a stop? Field goals aren't gonna get this done. Whoever tried to hit Cobb on that third down is regretting it. JULIO!!! Then the Packers come right back — Nelson splits the defense and there's nothing the Falcons can do. Even Cobb gave him the "We're not worthy" bow afterwards. They missed the extra point? Interesting.


Man, Julio is getting hurt. Roddy White lives!


I actually don't mind the onside kick here. The other guys have FORTY POINTS. Interesting decisoin here for McCarthy. And he lets Crosby kick it and it's a knuckleball that gets through. The Packers have stopped playing defense. Too bad Julio got hurt on that hit he took or I'd like the Falcons' chances better. Oh my God they scored AGAIN! It's a six-point game! That's two terrible onside kicks by the Falcons. Why haven't they called any time outs? Oh, wait, I know why. Rodgers just ran for 15 yards for the hell of it. Starks just iced it. (Packers 43, Falcons 37)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Green Bay (10-3) — Though that defensive meltdown is worrisome
2. New England (10-3) — Got things back together
3. Denver (10-3) — Apparently they've turned into a power running team and nobody's noticed
4. Seattle (9-4) — They're back

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tennessee (2-11) — They're the worst kind of terrible — they're unremarkably bad
30. Tampa Bay (2-11) — It'll be nice for Marcus Mariota to get back in warm weather
31. N.Y. Jets (2-11) — That one hurt
32. Oakland (2-11) — Finished off Bay rivals, which will carry them for the next four years
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