Saturday, December 27, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Paying The Bell's Tolls

I mean... Titans-Jaguars? In Week 16? And no Carmelo or Rose in Knicks-Bulls? Thank God for UConn-Duke tonight. Whitehurst! Bortles! FOOTBALL!! I can't do this.


They got a pool at Jacksonville's stadium? Wonder how many seats they took out to put it in. I'm amused how this particular Kevin Hart Madden 15 commercial has no good teams in it. Leon Washington has been the best player so far and it's not close. Not a fan of that offensive pass interference call on Jacksonville. It's the two-minute warning already? At least it's going quickly. That play fell apart immediately and Bortles was able to run for it somehow. Hey, a touchdown. Lee caught that? I thought that pass went 10 yards past him. CECIL SHORTS PASSING. Touchdown and the Jags take the lead. There are more points in this game than there were last week. That's a good spot on that 3rd down and that 4th down (you have to remember where the sticks are!) Then Todman breaks one off and that feels daggerish. Not that I mind punting, but why would you "never" go for it here, as Simms just said? You get it and the game is over. Somebody on the field just said "fake spike." Good job by Washington getting out of bounds. That's not a catch. The Jaguars are bad enough to blow this, by the by. SACK! That guy just made $600,000!


Yeah, this running into Colbert would have been the worst. And yet it managed to be better than last week's game. (Jaguars 21, Titans 13)

DOUBLEHEADER... Saturday? All right, then. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I hated the Cary Williams signing from the get-go, for the record. Then Jenkins drops another pick-six. That was... luck, pure and simple. That's an incomplete pass. Why is Gannon praising Jim Haslett? The guy's sucked for years. Hey, Sproles finally caught one. McCoy ran for a touchdown! Stop the presses!


This is an awful long commercial break. I didn't think DeSean was going to catch that. The entire Eagles defense got blown up. Even the punt was bad. I have a horrible feeling about this. Wait, the Redskins' play calls don't go directly to the quarterback? The hell kind of system is that? Sweet, a sack. I thought Roberts was going to catch that. He didn't need to jump. Jason Peters not having a good game so far isn't helping matters. Sproles just ran into that dude's head. Cooper! That was a good drive. Hey, Griffin slid for once. That screen pass was pointless. What was that, Sproles? Fumble on the kickoff? Eagles ball! That's as clean a fumble as you can get. Wait, Parkey missed a chip shot? And now the Eagles can't stop the Redskins again. How is that roughing the passer? That's a bad delay of game penalty. Gannon's about to blow a gasket. Neither one of those were roughing. And the Redskins go back in front. Parkey missed right AGAIN? They're going to lose. This is preposterous. And Jackson beats Fletcher again. This isn't his fault any more. Either give him actual help or sit him down. This is ridiculous.


So many penalties even on ultimately successful drives. See? SEE? THAT'S what happens when you actually have safety help on a deep route. And it should be even easier with DeSean, because that's literally the only route he runs. It's not like he's Dez Bryant and they move him around in formations and send him all over the field. I'd have felt a lot better with a touchdown there. Also, Foles would have completed that pass. That aside, where has Zach Ertz been for the last six weeks? This is a good drive.


That's a pointless throw by Sanchez. Who's even supposed to catch that? It's not getting overturned, either. Who whiffed on Garcon? ANOTHER roughing penalty? At least he actually hit Griffin in the head but COME ON. Now they're definitely going to lose. Should the Eagles let them score? The risk you run there is that the Redskins get wise to it and just sit on the ball but I don't know if this team's smart enough to see it if it's happening. I mean, they've only won three games for a reason. And there it is. Wait, what? There's no chance of it happening but if the Redskins were to give up a game-losing Hail Mary because of THAT, it would be the funniest thing ever. And THERE it is. This was a damn disgrace. This was a Cowboys-level choke job. And for anything Eagles-related, there is no greater insult. crosses off Eagles (Redskins 27, Eagles 24)

GORE! GORE! GORE! That was Beastmode-esque. This line (SF -1) has puzzled me like it has Simmons. I guess the Chargers aren't playing run defense tonight? Is that it? FUMBLE. "Fake Darren Sproles." I like it. Then Rivers throws a bad pick into tight coverage. Yeah, I don't think the Chargers plan on stopping the run. Touchdown! And Boldin gets into it with the defender afterward. Fouts says offensive holding will bring this back. AND there's another hurt Charger. Let's take a breath and sort this all out.


And there's that Philip Rivers again.


THAT'S roughing the passer. Things aren't going to get better for the Chargers, are they? That should have been intercepted. Chargers going for it, and why not. Royal! Oliver got stuffed. But Gates didn't. Wait, the backup center's backup is down now? Good Lord. I think that's the first big play Vernon Davis has made all season... and it's probably coming back. That's... close. Then Kaepernick fumbles... TOUCHDOWN CHARGERS? Again, more flags. TOUCHDOWN CHARGERS. How do you line up illegally on back to back plays? KAEPERNICK!! Holy hell. That was 90 yards? Another Rivers interception. It's kind of amazing the 49ers haven't managed to score again. Fouts's dad was an announcer, too? Huh. He's also got a point — not a lot of dudes wearing #47 these days. Someone forgot to cover Gates. It's legitimately amazing that the Chargers still have a chance to win this game. But not if Rivers is gonna fumble. Oh, they got it back. How did Royal catch that?!? This drive is still going. TOUCHDOWN! Kaepernick saves the 49ers with another big run. Dawson's gonna try a 60-yarder? That's got no chance. 49ers win the toss. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.


The Chargers have thrown 25 straight passes? And now they probably won't throw another one.


The 49ers ran into the kicker? That's somehow fitting. (Chargers 38, 49ers 35, OT)

Signal Finder: KC @ PIT, DET @ CHI, MIN @ MIA (end), IND @ DAL

And the Steelers immediately go deep. If we're just going to trade field goals all game I don't like the Steelers' chances. Greg Gumbel just called DeAnthony Thomas Dri Archer. FAKE FIELD GOAL! Love it. Why does Steelers guy drop in coverage like that on the opposite side of the holder?


And of course the Steelers respond with an actual touchdown. Are they still reviewing this? Kelce's knee is clearly down. Meanwhile, this one on Charles is more difficult but that's hard to overturn. How do the camera people just find random payers' relatives? Is there a media sheet? Which sounds like quite the invasion of privacy if there is. Touchdown Steelers. Is Ben limping? He sure is. That's an odd taunting call. Like Gumbel said: It's not excessive, but it's not necessary either. Gay wasn't even the one who made the play. (Maybe that's why.) That field goal should do it and now we've got a fight for some reason. Someone's about to get tossed maybe. Wait, they flagged the Steelers player who got run over? Really? Weird kickoff. Why kick it that short? This drive is taking longer than the Eagles' Super Bowl drive. Come on, Andy. (Steelers 20, Chiefs 12)

Man, Calvin Johnson's gonna destroy this defense. That is, if Stafford can throw with any accuracy whatsoever. Meanwhile, Jimmy Clausen, the epitome of peaking in high school, predictably does nothing to start out. Stafford got very lucky on that 3rd down conversion to Bush — he threw a bad ball that got knocked down and Bush somehow pulled it in before it hit the turf. Touchdown. Hey, Clausen completed a pass! Sweet. So the Bears are going for this 4th and 1 because, sure. It's never good when you have to go back to a guy's college days to find something to talk about when he's been in the league five years. Go for this one, too. Why are you throwing it to a backup offensive lineman when you have Alshon Jeffrey? Geez. Kyle Fuller's the best guy the Bears have and Megatron is torching him. Stafford's been hit on three consecutive plays, yet the Lions are in the red zone because he somehow got off that pass to Tate. That looked bad and got worse. And the Bears can't capitalize because Jimmy Clausen. Fuller hasn't won too many of those battles. ANOTHER red zone interception. Did Tate break back late on that? Because it looked like he didn't see the ball. Bennett's forearm is down.


Aikman has a point about the challenge flags. Clausen just barely got that pass away.
The Lions may have gotten away with one. Meanwhile, the Bears drop nukes on their feet yet again. And then the Lions screw up a punt return! If you're not gonna catch it, get out of the way. Sick floater, Clausen. No, seriously, it was, and Forte walked it into the end zone. That this game is tied says a lot more about the Lions than it does about the Bears. Here's why I don't buy Aikman's take on Cutler: If you knew all of that other stuff about him, why give him the money in the first place? He's been benched because he's playing horribly and Trestman can't figure out why and he's trying to save his own job. I didn't expect to say this, but Clausen's been decent since the first two or three series.


Forte gets called for the worst hold of all time. He can't block Suh in his dreams. Touchdown? Touchdown! Then the Bears block the field goal. Man, the Lions just have had no luck with kickers this year. Jennings tried not to interfere and failed. Some bad tackling on that Bell touchdown.
I knew the Lions hadn't won in Lambeau in years (and won't next week) but 1991? That's pre-Favre. You literally cannot do that to a sliding quarterback, Ziggy. And Clausen was ready to fight him (and lose) and needed the ref to back him down. How did I miss Raiola's punk ass stomping on a Bear's foot? Meanwhile, Jeffrey's dropped about five passes today. And Clausen makes his first big mistake throwing into double coverage. It will also, of course, be his last. (Lions 20, Bears 14)

Tom McCarthy's doing NFL games? With ADAM ARCHULETA? Is CBS desperate? Carolina's BACK IN FIRST PLACE.


(Panthers 17, Browns 13; Falcons 30, Saints 14)

I think it's definitively been proven what some of us knew all along: Teddy Bridgewater was the best quarterback in this year's draft. Look at the Dolphins driving. Touchdown? Touchdown! That's a bad sack. BLOCKED PUNT SAFETY!! After the bad snap, the punter has to fall on it if he sees the guy coming, right? You risk them recovering for a touchdown if you don't. (Dolphins 37, Vikings 35)

There's legitimately no reason for Murray to play today. The Colts lose three yards on their first series, then call a FAKE PUNT? I hate the call, and not just because dude was wide open and dropped it.


Then Dez does what Dez does — slaughter overmatched cornerbacks. Why is Fleener looking for a flag when the pass hit him in the numbers? Do the Colts know there's a game today? They're blowing coverages like they're the Eagles. They can't catch passes, either. The Cowboys should take Murray out. I'm not even kidding. They don't need him any more today. Have the Colts gotten a first down yet? Oh, they have. Luck just overthrew his man and got intercepted in the end zone. This game's over.


Luck just threw back-to-back picks. It's so bad I'm switching to Sixers-Magic. SIXERS. MAGIC. Oh, the Cowboys scored again? Christ on wheels. And Matt Hasselbeck (yes, MATT HASSELBECK) is in for Luck. And we may not see Luck next week either since the Colts can't improve their playoff position. Wait, when did the Magic get Luke Ridnour? At this pace we might get Bills-Raiders bonus coverage.


Think Christie would have the balls to do this at MetLife? I don't. The hell with all of this, man. All of it. (Cowboys 42, Colts 7; 76ers 96, Magic 88)




Wait, there was a fight in Giants-Rams too? Every week for the last month two crap teams have thrown down. checks next week's schedule Bears-Vikings may have swordplay. (Giants 37, Rams 27)

Pray for Ryan Lindley, people. Wait, where's Lynch?


Lindley needed that completion badly. But you can't come back and throw it into double coverage like that, kid. Especially when the coverers are Thomas and Sherman.
The Cardinals are blitzing like madmen. Expect to see this all night. Lindley's not very accurate on his deep throws especially.
It'd be, what, a 52-yard field goal? On the road on 4th and 4? I might go for this. Hauschka misses. How do you line up offsides twice? And with a line in front of you? Cardinals going with five wide receivers for some reason. Now four. That... could have been disastrous. Lynch gets stuffed on his first carry.


Wow. How do you let Luke Willson beat you deep? Whoa. Logan Thomas? Well, Arias did say this might happen at some point. He damn near took a safety. The way Collinsworth is describing that play makes it sound terrible. Of course, they then show Elway successfully completing it but these guys aren't Elway. That's the right no-call. Although why Carroll risks guys like Sherman and Thomas on the punt teams I'll never understand. Uh-oh, they let Wilson get away. That run from Lynch went better than his first one. Now the Seahawks have the Cardinals exactly where they want them. Just think of all the penalties they get away with! Still can't believe that "O'Brien Schofield" is a name that a person has. Peterson just dropped the break the Cardinals needed. Hauschka missed ANOTHER one? Maybe they should start going for it. It's not because the roof's open because the Cardinals never open the roof any more. Floyd just out-jumped Sherman. Then Lindley gets sacked. Two plays later he drops the snap. Field goal is good. Wilson placed that pass perfectly. The Cardinals haven't covered a tight end in two years. We're done here. Terrible tackling on this Lynch run — you can't strip the ball from that guy. Settle down, Cris. Somebody stop the damn match.


The Cardinals look like they've given up — they just stopped chasing Sherman.


And the one dude who whiffed on Wilson during the touchdown run didn't even come forward before doing it. (Seahawks 35, Cardinals 6)

This is a foregone conclusion, right? Dalton's bad in prime time games and I just learned Peyton's never lost to the Bengals. Something that hasn't gotten nearly the play it should is Adam Jones, TAFKA PacMan, cleaning up his act and carving out a decent career for himself. How did Talib keep that from hitting the ground? And now A.J. Green's hurt? Oh, Ward got him on the arm after the ball went past. And this is what we talk about with Dalton. That was a bad throw and everyone paid for it. Hill! Great downfield blocking by the receivers, Sanu especially. Hey, Green's back. That's an odd time to go for it but OK. Good Lord, Reggie Nelson stole the ball from Julius Thomas. This'll stand.


Dalton on the move! Yeah, Gruden. Ware unblocked, Gresham uncovered. This may be the best game the Bengals' defense has played all year, also. I wonder if guys know when big plays are about to be called back. D. Thomas seemed to after he got up. The Bengals are overpowering this offensive line on every play. Bad decision by Peyton. Now Hill's limping. More Dalton running.


Also, the Broncos' defense is getting beaten off the line as well. Dalton almost screwed that up twice. That's a big kickoff return and what the Broncos needed. C.J. Anderson should stick to running the ball for now. I guess nobody's covering kickoffs anymore. Gio! The Bengals have had some long snapping issues tonight but they've survived. Peyton's still getting rushed every play. How did Sanders catch that? I thought for sure that throw was going out of bounds. Then he carries two Bengals into the end zone like he's a running back on a dive play.


The Broncos can't stop this offense. That's a stupid penalty. Miller just took the ball back from Hill. It feels like something has turned for the Broncos' offense. We haven't called Wes Welker's name a lot this year. Hey, is that rain? Very nice footwork by Sanders. Hill just fumbled away points. Sanders again!


Another Jones pick? Whatever turned for the Broncos just turned back. That's also a stupid penalty. Lot of mirror imaging going on in this game. And now they've stopped covering punt returns.
Gruden's not a fan of that face mask call. Field goal Bengals. Well, sure, Taylor Mays wasn't fast enough to play safety so the Broncos didn't bother looking for him to blitz.THE  HELL JUST HAPPENED?? Was that a mixup or just a bad throw?


Either way, the Bengals just might win this game, which is a game they never win, not even recently when they've been good. It bears repeating: Peyton's been getting beaten up every which way tonight. Wait, that's an interception. That's not what you called it the first time! I mean, you got it right, but still. This is legitimately unbelievable. (Bengals 37, Broncos 28)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (12-3) — Still business as usual
2. Green Bay (11-4) — Put away lowly Buccaneers
3. Seattle (11-4) — Administering beatings everywhere
4. Denver (11-4) — Suffered bad loss in ideal circumstances

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (3-12) — Rex's last Patriots game. It was kind of sad
30. Oakland (3-12) — Playing spoiler suits them right now
31. Tennessee (2-13) — It's bad when you lose to the Jaguars
32. Tampa Bay (2-13) — Having '70s flashbacks
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Friday, December 19, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Second Response

An underrated development here in the Rams' "rise" is not just that they've finally figured out how to use Tavon Austin, but that they're getting him the ball so they can. The Rams are getting yards in chunks early, which could pose a problem for the Cardinals later. Mason fumbled! The Cardinals have a chance to break the Rams' scoreless streak here. It's GOOD! Rams sure snuffed out that reverse. A toss play to the tight end on 3rd and 1? Titans-Jaguars next week! Good luck selling that one, Nantz! So utterly unconvincing. This game got boring after that first Rams drive. Was that a forward pass? I mean, it'll barely matter but you'd like to get it right regardless.


SPEED! Blitz! Uh-oh, Stanton's down now. Maybe his leg got caught in the turf? Wait, they brought back Ryan Lindley? For the love of God, Why? Did he make that kick? I can't see the ball. It's good? OK. So whoever's coming in for Stanton has time to warm up, at any rate. And Lindley picks up right where he left off — being absolutely useless as an NFL quarterback. Oh, that ball hit the ground.
Oh, look, another field goal.


Whoa, the Rams are making plays down the field again. It's only been three quarters. Aw, come on, Rams. What have you got to lose?


The Cardinals were lucky not to lose that fumble. And now Hill drops the snap. What was that pass on? 4th and 12? Good job, guys. Did the Cardinals just quick-kick that? That would have been awesome. (Cardinals 12, Rams 6)

Signal Finder: PIT @ ATL, CIN @ CLE, GB @ BUF (end), HOU @ IND (end), JAX @ BAL (end), SF @ SEA




Also, Santana Moss is still in the league? I mean, he's not still in this game, but even so. (Giants 24, Redskins 13)

Pick-six by Ryan. Splendid. Lot of Steelers fans here, as you can tell by the booing after that roughing call. That's... borderline. Hester! On offense, even. That's a sign of... something. I'm pretty sure Bell didn't catch this many passes in college, either. That reversal on the Brown catch is real close. The Falcons have no pass rush whatsoever.


The real takeaway here is that the Steelers are actually playing like they're the better team, which hasn't happened all year. I don't actually mind the Falcons punting there, but why let the play clock run down to 4 seconds before you do it? I mean, the punt was the least offensive part of that sequence. Illegal contact on Trufant? Game over.


Oops. (Steelers 27, Falcons 20)

The Bengals have started out the way I thought the Browns might, thought the Bengals' backs are better than the Browns'. The Browns are sniffing out these screens so far. Hmmm, that's helmet-to-helmet if anything. Trapped in no man's land, the Bengals try 3th and 4 and go to Green. Of course, it works. Good drive. And now it's JOHNNY FOOTBALL TIME. Remember, if Mike Smith doesn't screw up the time out situation at the end of the Falcons game, this happens one week earlier. That was uneventful. The Bengals are on the move again. Gotta protect the kid, Browns. That's on Hawkins. The Bengals have run all over the Browns so far in this game. It's just gonna continue like this, isn't it? Good job by Lynch pronouncing Stipe Miocic's name right. Oh man. Manziel finally makes a play and the Browns had an illegal man downfield. You see his reaction? And then he throws an interception.


Man, a touchdown would have been a dagger. The Browns made a play! On defense, even! Crowell didn't even come close to the first down marker. No real choice here. They made it! Wait, they got Malauga for taunting when Bengals players have been making the Money sign all over the field? Oh, he did it to his face. That's cold, man. Another high throw and this one actually does get intercepted. Offsides? So it won't count but the trend continues.


Positive yardage! It's a Festivus miracle! You have to call a time out coming out of the two minute warning? That's a disgrace. Manziel's furious and he's right to be. Another bad high throw and this interception will count.


You can count the number of Browns who have played well today on no hands. The only thing that's happened in the second half is more Bengals making the Money sign. crosses off Browns (Bengals 30, Browns 0)

Bills? And we come in to see Nelson trying to make amends for that touchdown-costing drop. Now Cobb's fighting for yardage. Is it already dark up there? All that and they settled for a field goal? I don't think I like it. That's a big third down completion. Fumble?! No, Bills recovered. Now the Packers really need a stop. Orton threw that pass way too early. So the Packers have 97 yards to go.


Safety? Clear fumble. Safety. So it's the backwards part of the Holy Roller rule, and Lacy actually did the right thing by trying to pick it up — saved them five points. It's too late for the Bills, but this could come back to bite the Packers. (Bills 21, Packers 13)

I crossed off the 49ers on Thanksgiving night because there's no way they're going into Seattle and winning in their current state. An understated part of the 49ers' demise has been the terrible season Vernon Davis is having. Buck: "Is this the final chapter?" As such, yes. That's a stupid late hit by Reid and you can tell the 49ers are angry already. That one's closer only because the receiver drops his head to brace for the hit and Reid had nowhere else to go. The 49ers may go for this here, and why not? Their season's over. Did they just call two straight time outs? Oh, no. OK. Touchdown! Impressive catch by Kearse on that deep pass with Cox all over him. Hey, a Kaepernick run that went somewhere! Haven't seen that in two months. And there's a sack. And there's another one. And now the 49ers have to punt. Wilson went out of bounds too early — he had room to get the first down before he had to go out. Both of these defenses are bringing pain. That's a very well-done panic play by Wilson and Baldwin. That's a bad interception by Wilson and the Seahawks will end up with nothing. Somehow Aldon Smith didn't sack Wilson there, and the Seahawks got a taste of their own medicine on the other end. Who jumps offsides on a punt? I guess that's what happens when everything goes wrong. Hyde's hurt, too? They've already lost Gore to a concussion, I think they said. How did LaMichael James never get picked up? Beast Mode just gave the Seahawks the lead. Wait, WHAT?


I mean... at least with the one in the Steelers game, you could kind of say he led with his helmet. That's just awful. And two plays later they score. I've never seen this guy at running back now for the 49ers. This drive seems very scattershot. 4th and 1 is... no good. And that's official. (Seahawks 17, 49ers 7)



What is it with bad teams getting in throwdown brawls? I mean, it beats actually watching them attempt to play football, but still. (Jets 16, Titans 11)

The hell was that? They keep showing Huff but that's at least 50 percent on Smith, right? Well that was the worst start possible. That's three third downs the Cowboys have converted so far. The Eagles have done absolutely nothing right. That flag was later than the one in the 2002 national championship game. I am enjoying the separate clock measuring the Eagles' play-running speed. But that's about it. Well there's no home field advantage at Jerryworld, so it makes sense that they'd be better on the road. This defense can't stop anything. Cary just got flagged for illegal contact and gave the Cowboys another first down. Now he's mad and he's due to do something really stupid soon. Fletcher can't cover Dez one-on-one and it's not fair to ask him to do that. Bradley Cooper in the house. Hey, an Eagles first down! Huff's having a rough rookie year. Hopefully it gets better. Even Al and Cris are skeptical of this Scandrick injury. Let's see if this turns into anything. Guess not. Hey a Zach Ertz sighting! Polk! I've noticed that Romo goes down a lot when a defender just kind of swipes past him like Barwin did there. Not sure what that means. Ertz with hops. I'm not sure what that third down play was. Nobody had anything there.


And this is why this game is over — the Eagles' defense has absolutely nothing tonight. You can't come back on a good team if you can't get stops. Romo was two yards across the line of scrimmage. Remember that stupid thing I predicted Cary would do? There it is. Romo got sacked by his own lineman. Oh, God, not another one. Oh, wait, this one's on the offense, and rightly so, he pushed off  twice.


Watch Maclin try to follow Matthews and watch Matthews try to give him a block. Also, look! Cowboys fans hate their secondary just as much as Eagles fans hate theirs! COMMON BONDS.


Oh no! Wait, was he down? They're not going to stop the Cowboys from throwing this challenge flag — they've got too far to go.


It'll stand. Polk again. This just got interesting. Fumble? Tuck rule? Fumble! That's nine sacks for Curry, who doesn't even start. Romo had five days to throw it, too, before that. Man, Sanchez had that if he'd kept it. Hey, a Darren Sproles sighting! This is... only partially unbelievable. Meanwhile, my governor (who, for the record, I never voted for) is in Jerry's box. What the hell, man. Two guys got turned around on that inside curl to Dez. And the Cowboys get a badly-needed touchdown. Oh, that won't help. Bad Sanchez pass gets tipped, juggled and finally intercepted. Why aren't they helping Fletcher? They know how bad he is. "Sideline interference"? What? That's such a Cowboys penalty when you think about it. Gotta throw a better ball there, Sanchez. This is a fumble. There's no one in the middle of the field. I'm with Cris — I wouldn't throw a pass here. Just run for 5 yards or so because Bailey never misses. That sack will end it. (Cowboys 38, Eagles 27)

Is it raining? That's on Bennett — you get two hands on it, catch it.


Fumble?!? Fumble! Gruden: "Two 5-8 football teams..."


Cutler's still throwing bad balls. Hey, a successful offensive play! Did he drop the snap? Oh Lord. On the one hand, Tirico's right about the backup quarterback giving you a better chance when something goes wrong like that. On the other hand, that backup quarterback is LUKE MCCOWN. Offsetting? Oh, FINE. Now watch him miss. D'OH! How do you get sacked on a screen pass?


Funny how this is exactly what Gruden talked about in the pregame — both teams have started horribly. "There's no intentional grounding. However..." I"m sure that makes them feel better, ref. Hey, a second successful offensive play! Hey, a drive! Hey, a touchdown! A fake punt? And they run it with the up back? He didn't make it. And no wonder — they didn't have enough guys on the field. The false starts have Gruden incredulous. Wait, the PANTHERS are in first place? Brees has 14 straight completions? Oh, right, the Bears' defense. Stills was pretty open there. Colston's out here outmuscling dudes. Touchdown. This game feels like it's over. The Bears don't cover tight ends, apparently. It was the same play! Have the Bears crossed midfield tonight? I just came back from the bathroom and it appears that Cutler and I were doing the same thing.


Marc Mariani has been the best Bear tonight and he's the kickoff returner. They've packed it in, haven't they? That's a Bronx cheer if ever there was one. (Saints 31, Bears 15)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (11-3) — Business as usual
2. Green Bay (10-4) — Fell right into the trap game
3. Denver (11-3) — Peyton needs IV's? NO PROBLEM.
4. Seattle (10-4) — Sank rivals for good

BOTTOM 4:
29. Washington (3-11) — Feels like they're ready to pack it in
30. Tennessee (2-12) — When's the last time they even won a game?
31. Tampa Bay (2-12) — Having '70s flashbacks
32. Oakland (2-12) — Business as usual
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Sunday, December 14, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Blood and Circuses

Already Romo's carving up the Bears' "defense". Did Dez just throw Kyle Fuller to the ground? Huh. A sack. Well, the Bears got no money out of that one. Was that punt almost blocked? 4th and 1 from the Bears 11 and the Cowboys are GOING FOR IT? This is astounding. They got it pretty easily.
This game is flying by. I'm already sick of the Thursday Night Football music going into every break. Get a DJ, NFL Network. That's a quality stretch at the goal line. I know I said this last week but the Bears' refusal to run the ball is staggering. It would take SO MUCH pressure off Cutler.


That's the kind of thing that happens to bad teams. A good gain wiped out by a fumble after an unnecessary move. That was quick. That's the second time tonight Beasley's done magic tricks around the goal line. Chris Conte's usually terrible coverage didn't help, either. This may not count, though. Pretty sure Nantz and Simms expected a different outcome. Simms agrees with me about the Bears' running game. That's bad, right? Dez! Why hasn't he gotten paid yet? Touchdown.
First time I remember seeing B-roll from Lou Malnati's. Usually it's a hot dog stand. This third quarter seems like it's taking as long as the first half did.


THE COWBOYS WILL FINISH ABOVE .500. I REPEAT. THE DALLAS COWBOYS WILL FINISH ABOVE .500. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. (Cowboys 41, Bears 28)

Signal Finder: PIT @ CIN, NYG @ TEN, IND @ CLE (end), NYJ @ MIN (OT), SEA @ PHI

I mean, might as well empty the playbook, right? These are two terrible teams doing terrible things. Odell Beckham Jr. is literally the only reason to watch this game.




I mean, if they'd blown this one, you could make an argument for immediate contraction. (Giants 36, Titans 7)

The Saints and Panthers got into a fight? Like, a real fight? With punches being thrown and everything? watches This is wild. That's the first time a lot of those guys have hit anyone this year. I think we can safely pronounce the Superdome mystique dead and buried. (Panthers 41, Saints 10)

Dalton needed IVs last week? Huh. And yet I'm not sure that explains anything. Offensive linemen recovering fumbles! I mean, I know why it exists, but why not just make the fourth down fumble rule the rule all the time? The Bengals are getting a bit too cute early. Has anyone gotten a first down yet? Now we got a scuffle on the far sideline. Hey, first downs! Stop lobbying, Bell didn't get to the goal line. But Heath Miller did. What is that they chant whenever he makes a catch? In the Tennessee game I thought they were booing him but ive heard it in every game since then, too. That's a good play by both Dalton and Green on that hover bomb. And the fake leaves Gresham all alone for the touchdown. Fouts: "Nobody's covering the tight ends today." That's a great interception by Gay to take it away from Green... that will not count. Andy Dalton just outran the Steelers.


The offenses have started to get in sync now — Ben's walking the Steelers down the field. That's bad tackling by Newman. Three high throws by Ben = field goal. Bell to the corner! A.J. Green just clowned Mike Mitchell after torching Ike Taylor. And Bell follows that up with a big run. Dalton fumble? Dalton fumble! He screwed up the handoff and the Steelers get a break after having to settle for a field goal last time. Bell for the touchdown. This game has turned into a cavalcade of big plays. There was nobody else on the screen with Bryant.


Oh, Dalton's hurting. Why did the Steelers accept the holding penalty on 3rd down? Baffling. Dalton comes back in after missing one play. The Steelers keep running that same run to the left and the Bengals have lost the ability to stop it. And that's that. (Steelers 42, Bengals 21)




Jeff Fisher: Mediocre coach, world-class troll. (Rams 24, Redskins 0)

Wait, Colts-Browns was on FOX? And how exactly were the Colts losing this game? Great catch by Moncrief, and good smarts to know he wasn't touched and get up and get five more yards. Luck is throwing bullets out there. That was dangerous... and almost costly. He didn't get it OH WAIT HE DID. Nice second effort by Herron. THE CLEVELAND HILTON IS OPEN. That's a crusher. (Colts 25, Browns 24)



This Jets-Vikings recap is one of the cringeworthiest recap packages I've ever seen. OH MY GOD. Big man for the Jets is not gonna catch that dude. Let's not be talking about the Vikings' playoff chances. (Vikings 30, Jets 24, OT)

Not the greatest kickoff. A run on 3rd and 15? That caught the Eagles completely off guard. MARCUS SMITH LIVES! Though they gave that sack to Barwin for... some reason. Damn, that's a good punt. Joe is incredulous at that Panthers-Saints result and it's hard to blame him. Good work by Barwin and Kendricks to run down Wilson. Punter drops the snap?!? Eagles going for it here? McCoy got it! Thanks, Pete Carroll, for wasting 30 seconds of our lives with that measurement.


I honestly wasn't sure Maclin was going to stay inbounds. What the heck was Lockette doing?




Sweet fake. No, really. Cole bit on it and Wilson will never score an easier touchdown. That's a bad, severe offsides by Cole. This Seahawks offensive line has struggled this year and the Eagles are taking advantage. At the same time, the Seahawks' defense has forced the Eagles into some generally strange things on offense.


Seahawks are wasting time like they're the 49ers. Vinny Curry has eight sacks and he doesn't even start. And the Eagles give up another big play. Chip has been in these officials' faces all game. And now McCoy fumbles. Who was responsible for Lynch in coverage? Anyone? Anyone at all? Now Carroll's challenging that Huff fumbled the kickoff return. This could get ugly fast. Well, the Eagles keep the ball at least. Ertz! He hasn't been part of the offense in weeks. As bad as Fletcher has been this year, that's a bad call. And it ends with a touchdown.


Wait, FOX has golf? Nice work, Maclin. I don't know how Sanchez even got the pass off. So they showed that Ertz was open but Sanchez didn't go his way, but don't show if Sherman held Maclin on the same play?


Then Maxwell gets away with contact on Matthews and Jason Peters gets flagged for saying something. The Eagles are losing their composure. Lockette just schooled Cary Williams off the line of scrimmage.


Lynch fumbles? That's even better. Oh, Sanchez. I don' t know if there was a miscommunication or the pass was bad but that's the interception he always throws. Jenkins just dropped an interception that would have made this a three-point game. And if anything, he was overaggressive in going after it.


The Seahawks keep rushing for first downs. That No. 4 spot in my rankings appears to be cursed. Although, good news if you're a Cardinals fan... guess who just took over that spot? (Seahawks 24, Eagles 14)

It's crazy to think the 49ers peaked in Week 4. (Raiders 24, 49ers 13)

The Patriots came here straight from Green Bay. Curious to see if that makes any kind of difference. Jonas Gray overslept and got put in the doghouse for three weeks.


That's all of the things right there. Completion, fumble, touchdown Chargers.


The Patriots blocked the punt? Scifres may be hurt. What happened? Oh. That's a bad landing if anything. Did they wrap him with duct tape? Brady "running" is always a treat. So much for covering Gronk with a cornerback. Kyle Arrington is so bad. You can't trip people! And shock of shocks Mathews is hurt again. Now this punting situation does get interesting. And here's Novak. Short. Hey, a Danny Amendola sighting! Manti Te'o just picked off Brady. And no, he didn't imagine that.


This interception is all kinds of chaotic. Is it a pick? Is it a fumble? Is it a touchdown at the other end? Wait, what? Helmet-to-helmet? WOW. And that's a bad call. Green's still down, by the way. The one after that is the one that they didn't call on Floyd last week. A "Fifty Shades" joke? Good Lord, Al. How does Rivers not see him when he's looking right at him? I mean, if you're gonna snap the ball quickly, SNAP THE BALL QUICKLY. Novak's punts have progressively gotten better. This really has been a mostly defensive struggle. Edelman broke two tackles. Nice work. That 3rd down play was doomed to failure. Are they punting? Really? With a non-punter, even? Wow, that's a white flag.


Yep. (Patriots 23, Chargers 14)

BATTLE OF DIVISION LEADERS. I don't think the Packers threw a single pass on that drive. That's terrifying. (Actually, they did.) Look at the Falcons answering. And look at the Packers answering back. Bad pass, Ryan. Devin Hester never did learn how to play receiver, did he? Another touchdown for Lacy, which is bad for my one fantasy team but you don't care. FAT GUY DIVING. That replay reversal garnered sympathy boos. The Falcons are awful tacklers.




Rodgers ran around for about four minutes before finally finding Nelson. What has killed the Falcons is criminal neglect on both lines. Julio Jones! This is four-down territory, right? Didi they lose yards? Of course, Mike Smith's so bad he'll kick the field goal here. He didn't! And the Falcons still have a chance! Did... did the Falcons get a stop? Field goals aren't gonna get this done. Whoever tried to hit Cobb on that third down is regretting it. JULIO!!! Then the Packers come right back — Nelson splits the defense and there's nothing the Falcons can do. Even Cobb gave him the "We're not worthy" bow afterwards. They missed the extra point? Interesting.


Man, Julio is getting hurt. Roddy White lives!


I actually don't mind the onside kick here. The other guys have FORTY POINTS. Interesting decisoin here for McCarthy. And he lets Crosby kick it and it's a knuckleball that gets through. The Packers have stopped playing defense. Too bad Julio got hurt on that hit he took or I'd like the Falcons' chances better. Oh my God they scored AGAIN! It's a six-point game! That's two terrible onside kicks by the Falcons. Why haven't they called any time outs? Oh, wait, I know why. Rodgers just ran for 15 yards for the hell of it. Starks just iced it. (Packers 43, Falcons 37)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Green Bay (10-3) — Though that defensive meltdown is worrisome
2. New England (10-3) — Got things back together
3. Denver (10-3) — Apparently they've turned into a power running team and nobody's noticed
4. Seattle (9-4) — They're back

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tennessee (2-11) — They're the worst kind of terrible — they're unremarkably bad
30. Tampa Bay (2-11) — It'll be nice for Marcus Mariota to get back in warm weather
31. N.Y. Jets (2-11) — That one hurt
32. Oakland (2-11) — Finished off Bay rivals, which will carry them for the next four years
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Saturday, December 6, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: The Hard Cut

Really, the Bears' offense should have followed the Cowboys' new blueprint. Cutler would be much better off with a running game that, you know, worked. Good block by Marshall on the Jeffrey touchdown but you'd hope so with his size. Wait, Phil actually did go to Jets-Bills? I didn't believe him. Is this a fumble? I thought the Lions payer had it for a while but then the scramble re-started. Yeah, that's a fumble and Bears ball. Also we've got a rumble. Touchdown Bears. It seems like Calvin Johnson is solely responsible for all of Stafford's success over the years. Nice coverage, Bears.


The Seahawks miss that Tate dude. That's a gunshot right in the foot. Caldwell's going for it on 4th down and why not? The Bears defense is God awful. Bell got there. Somebody's on fire right now. So are we not having halftime concerts at the games this year? I mean, I'm OK with that, but still.


Whatever happened to Earl Bennett? Gould has zero field goal attempts in three games? That's how bad the Bears have been, man. There's no way that Stafford pass to Tate shouldn't have been intercepted.


Shot of Bears defensive coordinator Mel Tucker, who should be thankful for gainful employment. Tate took two shots on that catch. Dude tried to yank Stafford's helmet off. That's always illegal. Nantz: "Can they hold them to a field goal?" Doubt it. And then the Lions score. Wait, no they don't. And that's not a challenge that you're gonna win, so don't waste it. That was much easier anyway. Cutler just threw a deflecterception. Why is Nantz talking like the Bears still have a shot at the playoffs? Now they're talking about the NFC South and Simms calls it "fascinating to watch."


I mean, Trestman didn't bench Cutler during the Lambeau Massacre. I don't see what changes. 3rd and 19? Screen pass! Why are any Bears getting All-Iron votes? Lateral madness! Please don't extend this game. (Lions 34, Bears 17)

Remember, the butt fumble was on a Thanksgiving night game. Oh, not you too, Joe. Sweet crossover. The Giants showed you can run on the Cowboys, and Chip wants to run deep in his heart. This pace seems faster than normal. Sanchez with the sneak! Smooth as peanut butter should be. You can see the Cowboys almost forcing the run so far. Joe seems skeptical of that spot. That screen died when Murray started running across the field instead of down it. There was enough contact by both Fletcher and Dez that I'm fine with letting it go. Big run by McCoy. There's the 'open' end of Jerryworld. Nice hands, Cooper. Matthews for the touchdown! This is crazy. Scandrick had said that the Cowboys only went through walkthroughs and weren't sure how they'd deal with the pace. Not well so far, I'd say.


Dez is going to win the majority of those. That was also too easy. Good patience on that run by McCoy to wait for the hole to open up and get a first down. The snap to Sanchez  been an odd problem the last couple of weeks. Maclin! He was on the right sideline and ran all the way across the field (as Cooper waved him over). Good play by Church to save four points.


Kendricks just took Murray down by his arm while he face mask was being grabbed. Romo just missed that throw. Back-to-back three-and-outs. Really, Cowboys? Church ran into Harris — his teammate — and cost the Cowboys 10 yards. The Cowboys are having their own snap problems. Not sure what happened there. Didn't see Scandrick grab Cooper's facemask at first, and neither did the announcers. Yeah, that's a hold. That didn't look like it was going to work. Oh, yeah, that's a catch and fumble. Good play, Boykin. Looks like Allen's inbounds, too. This should hold up.


Unfortunately, nobody was open for Sanchez and we're kicking field goals again.


So forget what I said about the concerts, then. Have we decided what Pitbull is yet? Oh, Shady. Don't do that. You know who I haven't heard from at all today is Terrence Williams. Is he hurt? Good job by the Eagles' D to hold the Cowboys to a field goal there. McCoy just redeemed himself and maybe ended this game in the process. Poor Nate Allen. Gets a rare pick taken away by a kind of dumb holding penalty on Cary. And then Cary gets Romo on the same drive. (There's Terrence Williams, stopping on the route.) This one will be overturned because McCoy's down. What'd Cooper do? Sanchez is HOT. They got rid of that stupid Galloping Gobbler turkey trophy? Awesome!


Punt coverage is a violent game. Oh, I didn't even realize Harris came from the middle of the field just to lay Carroll out. Fine his punk ass. Now I'm seeing they may have actually flagged him for taking a swing at somebody afterwards. He just made himself a target. Sanchez may not throw another pass. He even slides better than he did with the Jets.


They just handed the ball to Josh Huff. That's a troll move and I approve of it. (Eagles 33, Cowboys 10)

Is that a pumpkin on Costas' desk? Whoever loses tonight is in real trouble.


Has anyone completed a pass? Will anyone complete a pass? That's the danger of challenging Sherman. I mean, you have to do it, but still. Turbin! The corners of the end zones are busy places these days. Al: "How did that happen?" Was Wilson over the line of scrimmage? That was crazy otherwise, and of course nobody covers the tight ends on this team. That's a big stop by the 49ers. Why don't the 49ers go downfield? Where was that pass, Kap?


Ryan almost drops the snap on the punt, then the 49ers fumble the return and the Seahawks get it back. I don't remember Lynch ever being this involved in the passing game before. We got another skirmish? I'm not surprised, actually — we have two teams that already don't like each other in a game that's desperate times for both. I feel like the 49ers haven't made a first down yet. Oh, there's one. That punt deal went completely beyond me. 49ers wasting time as usual. Refs missed a face mask. Gore catches passes? Don't leave Anquan Boldin uncovered. Madden has authorized this turkey thing, right? I don't want anyone to get sued. Hey, a 49ers field goal! That'll solve everything! It only took the rest of the third quarter to get it, too. Sherman picks Kaepernick again and that's game. This Seahawks team is getting dangerously hot. Sherman wants mac and cheese! crosses off 49ers (Seahawks 19, 49ers 3)

Signal Finder: NO @ PIT, SD @ BAL, NE @ GB

Good throw, Rivers! (That was sarcasm.) This Chargers season has been the exact opposite of last season. Hey, Ryan Mathews is back. That should last five drives. Rivers running? That's some comedy right there. He and Gates are cutting up this Ravens defense. NICE touchdown catch by Keenan Allen, which should stand. That across the field throw by Flacco is so not textbook. Did he hit his head on the turf? This is the slowest bootleg ever.


More field goals! That's a bad penalty 20 yards in front of where the ball actually was. Oh, it was roughing the passer? That's even worse. The Chargers are shooting themselves in the foot on this drive. 1,000 yards for Forsett. Flacco sneak! Allen had to dive to a strange spot to catch that one. It seems like a lot of Rivers' throws to Allen today have been somewhat off target. And he just did it again on a touchdown pass. I don't mean odd as in the way Rivers passes are always odd. I mean odd as in "woefully inaccurate" odd. Jacoby Jones can still do that. Eagle: "The kickoff strategy for the Chargers has not worked today." That's the second time Dumervil has visibly lined up offside. Oh man, this pass interference in the end zone may have been on Floyd but the officials called it on Levine. One of the many things to hate about the Ravens is how they always, ALWAYS blame the refs after a loss. This time, they may well be justified.


Flacco was lucky to not get sacked. Gotta call time out! Wait, he wasn't out of bounds? Game over! Chargers win! (Chargers 34, Ravens 33)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-67.


(Jaguars 25, Giants 24)

FOX has mashed up the announce teams again, so Donovan McNabb is here with Brenneman. Teams might want to put the flea-flicker back in the back of the playbook for a while — it's not fooling anyone anymore. Bell is running through dudes. Francoooooo. Suisham MADE that? I'm legitimately stunned. Saints offense still isn't doing anything. en's holding his hand like he hurt it but I'm not sure what happened. Bell is just running through and around the Saints here. That throw to Moore for the first down wasn't bad. Antonio Brown just took an interception away from Patrick Robinson, who's been robbed at both ends of this drive. Another field goal? Fine. The Saints have found something with Ingram on these last few plays. Touchdown. Hey, the Saints finally get one of those interceptions. Good throw by Brees to Stills. Great placement. It's like the Saints stole the Steelers' game plan.


Ben's missed a couple of big plays on this drive. There's another one into traffic. That hand injury seems to be affecting him but I can't figure how. 54 yards with Suisham is a bet you just can't make. Man, the refs say "Our bad" and the fans STILL boo. That's some horrible publicity right there. Another Saints interception, this one off a tipped pass. Hey, a NICK TOON sighting! This game has turned dramatically. Now neither side can stop big plays and the Steelers can't finish. This game is a prime example of field goals losing games.


McNabb's right — Jimmy Graham's been silenced. How did Ike Taylor not intercept that? Wait, they called it incomplete? Challenge that, Payton! Good. Then the Steelers commit holding to wipe out a sack. Another touchdown. I don't know if this is the Steelers playing down to their competition again or the Saints playing by far their best game of the season. Robinson should have three interceptions. McNabb's shouting out his high school for some reason. Why is Ben still in? Get that hand looked at. Touchdown Steelers? Yes! Are they gonna have time to do this? No. (Saints 35, Steelers 32)

This mess with Jay Gruden and RGIII reminds me a lot of Josh McDaniels and Jay Cutler in Denver, and we all know how that ended for both parties. I mean, I always thought Colt McCoy got screwed in Cleveland and I'm glad he's getting another shot, but this just seems cheap. And I don't know if Jon Gruden would have gotten more out of Griffin (his undoing in Tampa was his inability to develop a long-term solution at quarterback, but then, that franchise has never done that), but he definitely would have handled this better.


This was supposed to be Luck vs. Griffin, remember? Look, somebody named "Boom" just broke off a 49-yarder. I think you've gotta reconsider some things. This turned into an air show fairly quickly, and there aren't many teams you'd bet against the Colts in an air show. (Colts 49, Redskins 27)






Super Bowl preview? Sure, why not, as this is the only team left that can beat the Patriots in their current state. There's the shot downfield. And it's Adams that Rodgers finds and the Patriots probably weren't looking for. Nah, Phil, the crosser wasn't open long enough. The Patriots seem to be duplicating their game plan for the Lions — put Revis on the No. 2 guy, double the No. 1 guy, and make guys 3 through 6 beat them in the air.


OUCH. We see now that Jamie Collins stepped on it during the slide. "There is no foul on the play. There is no play." Rodgers to Rodgers! (No relation.) Did Brandon Bolden lose like 30 pounds? He used to be huge, right? Now Cobb's starting to get behind the Patriots' defense and that's dangerous. That's an... interesting spot. You need to dedicate more resources than that to stopping Gronk in the open field. I love how people think Brandon LaFell is good now because Tom Brady is his quarterback. There's Jordy Nelson. And he beat Revis, who then got blocked.




Crosby missed? Uh-oh. I'm not sure what happened at halftime but both defenses have tightened up considerably. LaFell again. Patrick Chung gives up two consecutive first downs in coverage? That sounds familiar. And now he's hurt. Crosby got that one easily. The Patriots are pacing this drive almost perfectly. Gostkowski MISSED!


Damn, Tom. You kiss Gisele with that mouth? (Packers 26, Patriots 21)

Hey, that's Brandon Banks for Hamilton, one-time Redskins return man. Dude took two punts to the house last week and had a third called back. They got Imagine Dragons for halftime? That's pretty big for the Grey Cup. Russell Wilson snuck in? Cool.


Why are you kicking a field goal with two minutes left, Hamilton? You might not get the ball back. Ah, crap. Well, they got the stop. BANKS AGAIN? Er, no. Yeah, that's a pretty easy call. Now Hamilton's at their own 10. Don't take a sack! Collaros's arm got hit and this one's over. Calgary's quarterback is named "Bo Levi" which is awfully Texan for Canada. Oh, he's FROM Texas. Well that's acceptable. (Stampeders 20, Tiger-Cats 16)

The Chiefs switched to all-red for tonight because that's Eric Berry's favorite. C.J. Anderson doing things makes me realize that it's kind of amazing how the Broncos have been finding these people for almost 20 years. Have the Chiefs made a first down yet? Have they gotten a stop? Oh, there's one. FAKE PUNT. This has that feeling of being one of those games. D. Thomas has to catch that. First down Chiefs! Big run by Charles to convert anotehr first down. This Chiefs offense has suddenly become a juggernaut. Can they go through a whole season without a wide receiver catching a touchdown pass? Why are the Broncos taking so much time? And for THAT? Also, new kicker.


Peyton fumbles? Kurt Coleman's still in the league? Jesus Christ, Andy. That's the exact opposite of the way the Chiefs started this game. Or maybe not. Dwayne Bowe's a possession receiver. How does he not catch that? The Broncos' first punt reminds me that it's also a Colquitt brothers meeting. Interception by Ware. And another missed opportunity. That's a terrible punt. Broncos ball! Collinsworth said Cooper never saw it but he turns around right before it hits him. All these field goals are turning this game into death by a thousand cuts. "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd? Seriously, NBC DJ? The Chiefs are actually humming pretty well here.


Prediction: That'll be costly. The NEXT PLAY. The Chiefs need a sopt or turnover on this drive and I don't think they're going to get it. Did Alex Smith slide into Ward or what? Oh, Ward just hit him. That ended up not amounting to much, either. That was a good catch-and-run by Avery before he fumbled it. These last six minutes have been interminable. (Broncos 29, Chiefs 16)



What's all this? The Dolphins had 12 men on the field on the first play of the game? Fake spike callback already? It's been a quiet season for Chris Johnson because he's washed up, guys. Percy Harvin hasn't done a lot with the Jets. Whoa! Chris Johnson with moves! Seriously, Dolphins? Greg Salas? Untouched? You can't be a contender if you're doing things like that. No Wilkerson for the Jets? That's a problem. Or maybe not, as the Jets stiffened and even got Tannehill down twice, leading to a missed field goal. This feels like the game that confirms that the Dolphins aren't ready yet. And then they show footage of Week 17 last year, where the Dolphins were in a win-and-in situation against... the Jets... and choked like dogs. Good job selling Falcons-Packers as a battle of division leaders, Tirico. That's why he makes the big bucks. That option to Harvin almost didn't work. The Jets are determined to not have Geno Smith throw a pass tonight, apparently. And that's why. And then Folk misses, wasting about seven to eight minutes of drive time. Tannehill just threw a terrible pass that Calvin Pace dropped. Wallace may be out of bounds here. Eh, if y'all say so. Why not go down the field, Dolphins? These Jets corners are worthless.


I'll keep asking since it's Dolphins ball in the second half here. Wayne Chrebet was secretly a baller. I'm pretty sure he'd be the Jets' best offensive player now. There'll be no overturning this call, not with that pileup.


The Jets continue to refuse to throw the ball. I can only assume there's no real reason to envaluate Geno since this whole staff will be fired by noon on the Monday after week 17. Blocked punt! Dion Jordan lives! No. 3 overall pick for a special teams semi-ace. Good job, Jeff Ireland! Did that pass hit the ground? NOPE. Tannehill tried to pull a Stafford and failed horribly. Geno got crunched on that sack. Now they've got Shula on the phone.


That free agent quarterback class is just SAD. The Jets almost gave the Dolphins another opportunity to squander. That's good field position. Touchdown Miller! We're tied. Feel the excitement.




And the Jets get a red zone stop, which leads to ANOTHER FIELD GOAL. Now the Jets have to pass. And that's why they haven't been. (Dolphins 16, Jets 13)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. Green Bay (9-3) — Kings in the cold
2. New England (9-3) — I mean, if they can't beat Rodgers at Lambeau, who can?
3. Denver (9-3) — These guys just chug along like it's nothing
4. Philadelphia (9-3) — Just made a statement

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Giants (3-9) — Loss to Jaguars could be an all-timer
30. Tampa Bay (2-10) — At least Mike Evans is a straight-up boss
31. N.Y. Jets (2-10) — Clipping their own wings almost worked
32. Oakland (1-11) — You sure this is what you want, Los Angeles?
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Thursday, November 27, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Mojo Fallin'

Because some things you just have to see for yourself. Like this: TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS. That may have been the Raiders' best drive in the last three years. That "no Chiefs receivers have a touchdown catch" stat is amazing and unsustainable.


The Chiefs should just stop running that play. It's. Not. Working. LaTavius Murray. OK.


I mean, think about what's happening here. Janikowski is legitimately a top 5 player on this roster. Amazingly, Charles Woodson, even now, is another one. (The others are Carr, Mack and probably James Jones. Or maybe it's Justin Tuck.) Oh, Raiders. A muffed punt. That pass was uncatchable. The Raiders hold! That's not quite a safety, Woodson. I've seen better punts. Is he hurt?


I mean, Carr has nothing around him and he's managed to not be historically bad this season. That was a bit close, Seabass. This Fasano maybe touchdown is close. Bank it.


Yeah, you'd think the Oakland Coliseum would be in worse shape than it actually is. (I mean, it's not GREAT now, but you'd expect spikes in the turf or something.) Charles! And Smith busted out one of those Stafford-angle throws. Like some sidearm shit. Hey, John Madden's here tonight. Almost borderline tackle by the #athleticpunter. That hit the ground. It didn't? Oh, wow, it didn't. My mistake. Horrible bootleg right into Justin Houston. 4th and 1.


Carr sneak and... he made it. The Chiefs are acting like this pass interference is going to be on the Raiders and they're wrong as hell. Another quarterback sneak on 4th down works. TOUCHDOWN. RAIDERS. It's sad that the two most competitive Thursday night games so far have involved the Jets and Raiders. They overturned that catch? Wow. Smith's taken some hits on this series. Three flags on one play? That's Raider football! That's a gigantic sack on third down. Calm down, kids. Good looking out by Tuck to call that time out with two of his guys on the other side of the field. He's still wearing that weird face mask, too.




And that pass... was not even close to anybody. Raiders win! Theeeee... Raiders win!


(Raiders 24, Chiefs 20)

Signal Finder: TEN @ PHI, AZ @ SEA, MIA @ DEN or WSH @ SF

THE JOSH HUFF REDEMPTION TOUR BEGINS.


The bad news is the defense has to go out there. Or maybe not. Mettenberger looked like he was going to get that pass off on 3rd down but Barwin hurdled no one to sack him. Wait, the Eagles are at the Titans' 20 already? I never thought I'd see the day when Darren Sproles became a fantasy football touchdown vulture. Leon Washington spinning like a top. That was probably uncalled pass interference but whatever anymore. McCoy CAUGHT that? How? Oh, that's how. The Titans' offense has gotten nothing done so far. That incompletion was the first Sanchez throw that's looked like it had something on it. Now words are being exchanged. Gumbel: "Easy, fellas, this isn't a NASCAR race." What even happened? Oh, Griffin laid out Brad Smith before he even jumped for the ball. I think they called that penalty on the wrong person. Now the hit on Matthews is how you do that in today's NFL. Why did the Eagles stop running the ball? Again, that throw that was intercepted was just flat. Lot of blame to go around for that one. McCoy gets loose in a secondary for the second time all year.
So what happened there? Then Curry gets flagged for a close face mask to keep the drive alive. And that's a touchdown. This crowd is furious. Hey, Ertz is back. We still don't know why Huff's off kickoff returns, though. Griffin's in some real pain there. Cooper caught that? Did he stay inbounds? Hey, they gave McCoy the ball at the goal line! Imagine that. Whisenhunt is addicted to these big formations. Covering Delanie Walker would be nice. As well as the middle of the field.


This one-minute drill is confusing. They have to review (and overturn) that Maclin catch, right? Oh, this might stand, actually. Parkey missed? Oof, off the upright. This has been an interminable first half. We got a lot of pinballing going on on this one. "The ball was fumbled and recovered by...." Recovered by who? RECOVERED BY WHO? THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART. Oh, good. OK.


That's the first time Nate Allen has touched a football this year. Good throw by Sanchez on the touchdown (and good recognition of the coverage.) Offsetting penalties? Fine, the Eagles will just sack Mettenberger again. How do they pick that flag up? I have no idea where Sanchez was going with that one. I guess the Titans don't like being competitive. Now it's a flag festival. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I don't know if that flip to Celek was planned but it sure didn't look like it. What's going on with the snaps? Is Kelce hurt again?


I know they're up 40-17 but enough with the giving up big plays. Oh, Washington pushed off? Why is Whisenhunt mad? This game's never going to end. For our own sanity, Chip, don't challenge this. Why did you challenge this? It's irrelevant. Even though you won. 27:11? "Thank you." We're still here? Why are we still here?(Eagles 43, Titans 24)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Mike Smith; 2. Jim Caldwell; 3. Brian Hoyer; 4. Matthew Stafford; 5-57. The New York Jets

To elaborate: Mike Smith called that time out with 55 seconds left because "they (the Browns) would have called it if we didn't." Which is EXACTLY THE POINT. You're SUPPOSED to make the other team use its time outs when they don't have the ball. The happiest guy in the Georgia Dome after that farce ended was Hoyer, since now nobody's going to talk about how bad he's been the last two weeks. Still, the Falcons are going to win the NFC South, and Mike Smith will still be fired. (Browns 26, Falcons 24)

The 12th man is angry about that pass interference call but it was probably the right one. That kick is... NO good. These fans are awful ornery for some reason. The Cardinals' pass defense broke down on that long play action pass to Lockette. Then they sack Wilson twice in a row. Two bad throws in a row by Stanton — the first one Ellington made a neat behind-the-back catch on, the other one was intercepted. This is the best the Seahawks' defense has looked all year, and that includes the opener. They just haven't had the same mojo. Who'd they get for an illegal block on the Wilson run? I  missed it. Wilson may not survive behind this offensive line. Campbell has three sacks this quarter. And now the field goal gets blocked?


The Cardinals have five receivers named Brown and one of them just dropped a touchdown pass. Oh, Cardinals. You don't have the quarterback to steal that from the Seahawks' playbook. Blocked punt! And again the Seahawks can't get close to the end zone. Lynch!! How about covering him, Cardinals? Who's THAT dude? OH MY GOD A TOUCHDOWN. That might seal it. WOW! John Brown is SICK. Great stop by the Seahawks defense, which has basically saved their season today. Now Lynch can go to town. Well, sort of. (Seahawks 19, Cardinals 3)

Nantz: "There may be a challenge flag, and whoever sent down that one got some bad information." Confirmed. That makes it even worse. Speaking of mojo, what's up with the Broncos? Tannehill walked into the end zone like it was nothing. Well, they do still seem to make any running back look like a world beater. No Julius Thomas, so his backup scores and it's called back by offensive pass interference on Demaryius. Is that snow? Good coverage but perfect placement by Peyton on the touchdown. The Dolphins can't hold on to the ball. Clean catch in the end zone by Wallace. Quick snap! Peyton caught the Dolphins off guard, then they jumped the route five yards in and got lit up. Touchdown and how does Demaryius get that open? Off the upright? Tannehill got crushed on that sack. That's a fumble on the punt. That John Denney guy's played 155 straight Dolphins games and I have never heard of him before this moment. A tipped ball behind the line of scrimmage gets intercepted and then fumbled. Then a holding call on the Broncos gives the Dolphins a first down and about 15 yards back, because it somehow happened before the interception, which happened immediately. Touchdown and the Dolphins are about a quarter away from getting everybody's attention. Of course, they might want to consider covering Demaryius. I mean, with anyone. This drive is a dissection. There was one incompletion on that drive and there was a defensive penalty on that play. Ward picks Tannehill and and two plays later the Broncos are up 11. We're done here. OR ARE WE? Yeah, actually, we are. (Broncos 39, Dolphins 36)

I still haven't seen that alleged penalty that nullified the Tavon Austin touchdown. That's how bad it was. (Chargers 27, Rams 24)

Does Prime Time Romo show up tonight? This Giants drive is inspired. Nice screen setup. Bad decision, Eli, but you got away with it. Touchdown. The Law and Order theme? OK. Seriously, Beckham? SERIOUSLY?!?! AND his arm got hooked before he got free.




And I wasn't sure he was inbounds at first, and it's like, he had room to SPARE. Dez took a big hit there. Murray disappeared in that pile then came out the same way he went in. That was almost a handoff. Odd call that worked and it's a touchdown for Witten. The Giants in general are inspired.
This... feels like a fumble but I don't know if they can overturn it. Yep, stands. And Williams makes up for it by scoring on the next play. The Giants have absolutely handled this "improved" Cowboys defense tonight. Hey, they got a stop on the next drive. Both Eli and Romo are getting hit. That's... a fumble? That's incomplete. No, that's a fumble. And that's a big penalty against Dallas to give the Giants more yards. So it's intentional grounding.


Coughlin gave up the time out to prevent the half ending, which is interesting. Throw it up! Well that was doomed to failure. NFL Network has been plugging Cowboys-Bears almost as long as NBC was promoting Seahawks-49ers on Thanksgiving. Oh man, Dungy just stealth-trolled Rodney Harrison.
Didn't Fox announce Bruno Mars for the Super Bowl halftime last year in, like, Week 1? Katy Perry. So I guess she settled that deal with the NFL.


That hold by Tyron Smith on JPP was to save Romo. Cole Beasley lives! We haven't seen much of him this year. Al is skeptical of that not being intentional grounding. Just keep running the ball, Giants. That's a late hit. Wait, what? The ref just said Beckham flopped. ALL RIGHT THEN. (Aside: If soccer refs did that more often we'd make some progress.)


Damn you, Giants, I TOLD you to RUN THE BALL. I blame the play calling. That was also a bad throw. Dez is somehow wide open and scores and the Cowboys may have just won this game. Oh wow, Scandrick slipped and Eli had Beckham for a bomb but checked down because he was being rushed. Cris making a good point about the Giants' lack of playmakers with Beckham now hurt.


I'm legitimately tired of these two eternally trying to sell me on the idea that Orlando Scandrick is good. The Giants are moving the ball again. Jennings got free on the screen and dodged two tackles. I think his head got in, but the ball didn't. Touchdown Giants! And they didn't throw any fades! Of course, now they need a stop. And they're not going to get one. My goodness that was inevitable. Romo had a week to throw those last two passes.




So Eli has 61 seconds and three time outs. This 4th down spot will be extremely close. I think he's short, guys. And he didn't make it. Wait, Giants fans were selling their tickets to Cowboys fans? That is the weakest of all sauce. (Cowboys 31, Giants 28)



I mean, maybe that's what it takes. Or maybe just play the Jets every week. Vick got hurt trying ot make a tackle on a bad pass that was intercepted. That sums it up, I'd say. (Bills 38, Jets 3)

Gruden: "Drew Brees off to a very good start." It's the first play of the game, man. So that's probably not a fumble. I assume they're going for it here. I mean the ball's on the 2-yard line and they've lost two straight at home. Ingram got STONEWALLED. Flacco's thrown three passes and they're in the red zone already. The Ravens have to call time out coming off a Saints time out? That's poor. That Steve Smith catch is the opposite of poor. Somehow Jimmy Graham was uncovered. That shouldn't happen ever. Smith just bulldozing people. Uh-oh. This one's interesting. Was he down? If not, who ended up with the ball? The Saints did. So they're at, what, their own 3? Oh, the 1. That's even worse. Oh, never mind. Why is there a guy dressed as Master Chief in the crowd? Another challenge! This one the Ravens may win because I don't think Stills was inbounds. Call stands. OK. Ingram's done nothing tonight. Graham just dropped a touchdown. Will Hill's a Raven? Of COURSE they'd pick up a guy who got dumped for violating the drug policy. Brodrick Bunkley went out with an injury and the Saints can't stop the run anymore. STEVE SMITH FIGHT. Gruden thinks Vaccaro started it. I'd have flagged both guys myself. Not a good throw by Brees. And there's Hill! This Saints offense hasn't been itself, and part of it is that Brees has lost a tick, and a bigger part of it is that Marques Colston, despite his touchdown tonight, has fallen off a freaking cliff. The thing about Justin Forsett's success is that it's a sign of a guy who has talent, but couldn't get an opportunity.


Torrey Smith just embarrassed Patrick Robinson. Or Robinson just embarrassed himself, I'm not sure. Forsett JUST made that. And then he finishes it off.


That's the first jump ball Graham's won tonight. My God, that schedule graphic. Is anybody in this sorry lot winning six games? (Ravens 34, Saints 27)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (9-2) — They just don't look beatable
2. Arizona (9-2) — Could be a critical hiccup
3. Green Bay (8-3) — No one better than Rodgers right now
4. Denver (8-3) — The usual Peyton heroics save the day

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (2-9) — Gave away a game to a less talented Bears team
30. N.Y. Jets (2-9) — Whatever needs to be done, they won't do it right
31. Jacksonville (1-10) — Stay in Blackpool and think about what you've done
32. Oakland (1-10) — I mean, this could happen, guys
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