By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Presence of Malice

The tundra may not be frozen yet, but it is a slog out there. Literally nothing has happened in the first quarter except for an almost-muffed punt. CHICANERY~~~~!!!! Though this will not cancel out the other 4th and 26, it was cool all the same. Bad Jay Cutler is a lot like Bad Eli Manning or Bad Tony Romo, except completely unlikable under any and all circumstances. I don't know if it's the rep he deserves, but it's the rep he's got. Meanwhile, Brandon Marshall's done absolutely nothing tonight and J'Marcus Webb maybe the worst offensive lineman in football not named Wayne Hunter. MORE INTERCEPTIONS.

Charles Woodson on Cutler postgame, "it's the same old Jay. We don't need luck, Jay will throw us the ball...proof is in the pudding."
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) September 14, 2012

What's ironic about that is that Cutler and DeAngelo Hall had a similar exchange after Hall picked him off four times, which sums both of them up fairly accurately. (Packers 23, Bears 10)

Signal Finder: BAL @ PHI, NYJ @ PIT, WSH @ STL

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. THAT GOES FOR BOTH OF YOU. Forget Jason Peters — King Dunlap is making me miss Winston Justice. The Ravens abandoned the hurry-up pretty quickly for whatever reason. This game is getting chippy. Oh, COME ON. Horrible red zone turnovers? Yep, just like last year. (How about Vick practically jumping on Ray Lewis' back to drag him down?) Did Celek just clear Ed Reed? Oh, now Maclin's down? The Eagles are losing players like the Giants apparently are. I'm looking at this reverse angle on the replay and Vick's across the 5, but it's still not a first down. Hey, the Ravens are running the ball again. And then they pass on 3rd and 2? Is Andy calling the Ravens' plays? It doesn't make sense, especially since Rice gashed them a couple of times in the first half. That's on Celek. Or off Celek, as the case may be. The one time the Ravens put a man on him and the ball magically ends up in Reed's hands. Uncanny. 56 and 51 without breaking a sweat? Where'd the Ravens find this kid? Sean Considine's still in the league? The refs have been blowing ball spots all game long. Additionally, offensive holding is apparently now 15 yards. Wait... why are we doing the two-minute warning again? Nobody stopped the clock, did they?

 

Hey guess whose DVR of the Eagles' game cuts off just before Vick's TD run? But thank God I have all of the 2-minute warnings to savor.
— Les Bowen (@LesBowen) September 17, 2012

I'm glad I was in the car when the not-even-close-to-a-fumble happened, because somebody would have had to call the cops if that didn't get overturned. It also wasn't intentional grounding because Vick was clearly hit as he threw, changing the direction of the ball. (How they got that part right is one of the great unsolved mysteries of the universe.) And touchdown! This team's going to take 10 years off my life. Cue the Ravens whining about the refs in 3... 2... 1... (Eagles 24, Ravens 23)

Giants fans probably feel the same way Eagles fans felt last week. You'll take it, but you're not happy about it. (Giants 41, Buccaneers 34)

Meanwhile, this happened:

The official Brian Stropolo was replaced because his active facebook page unabashedly displays fan passion for the Sai… say.ly/LMG4bhX
— Chris Mortensen (@mortreport) September 16, 2012

So let's see... the Bills did to the Chiefs what the Jets did to them last week. That means the Saints are due to catch another beatdown. The way their defense has played so far, that's entirely possible. (Panthers 35, Saints 27; Bills 35, Chiefs 17)

Oh, God, the last minute or so of Cardinals-Patriots was a master class in incompetence, and unusually, most of it was committed by the Patriots. First there's the fumble itself, with Ryan Williams holding the ball like an egg and watching it fly out of his hands like it hatched. Then Danny Woodhead races into the end zone untouched when you'd think Belichick would have told them to go down at the 2-yard line or so if someone got free, just to keep the clock moving and keep the ball out of the Cardinals' hands. Then there's the penalty that nullifies the whole thing anyway. Then the Pats don't even try to go for the end zone after the false start penalty. THEN Gostkowski misses the game-winner with a kick as horrible as he's ever attempted. You knew off his foot that was no good. (Cardinals 20, Patriots 18)

Cortland Finnegan is the NFL's equivalent of Sean Avery: a moderately talented player whose main talent is getting under your skin and pissing you off. Josh Morgan fell for it and that's why the Redskins are looking at a 66-yard field goal to send this game into overtime. Well, that and the fact that they let Danny Amendola catch 15 passes. This has no shot. None whatsoever. (Rams 31, Redskins 28)

It continues! Seriously, where was all this Jets offensive productivity in the preseason? And with no Harrison or Polamalu for the Steelers, this could get interesting if they can maintain it. It's a good thing the Steelers have become a passing team because they can't run the ball at all. Uh-oh... Jets are starting to slow down offensively. Nobody can get open downfield and there are no running lanes.

As to the game: This has been my fear w/ #Jets all along, no weapons. Defense hung in there for most part but just got worn down.
— Mike Greenberg (@Espngreeny) September 16, 2012

I'M MIKE WALLACE. Who says I can only run go routes? Who says I can't make tough catches? Wait, what? Hang on, WHAT? Pass WHAT?! Where?!? Oh, that's awful. That's just ridiculously bad. (Steelers 27, Jets 10)

Someone call the authorities — Peyton Manning's been kidnapped and replaced with Eli. This game may not end until midnight. Peyton's deep ball just doesn't seem to be there. OK, Ray Edwards should have been ejected for that. That's the rule. That should have been the first thing the league told these guys: If a player touches you, throw him out of the game. This has gone off the rails. God forbid Edwards sacks Peyton now and knocks him out — John Fox will rightfully go ballistic. This game may not end until midnight Wednesday. Seriously, though, how do you completely lose control of a Broncos-Falcons game? What happens at Eagles-Giants? Or Ravens-Steelers? As for the matter at hand, the Broncos are fortunate to still be in something resembling striking distance because Peyton's settled down. Can Peyton now do what Eli did? Against an NFC South team, no less? Ummm... doesn't look like it. (Falcons 27, Broncos 21)