Big In 2005

Favorite (and only) new movie I saw: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Most Telling Exchange of the Year: Reporter: "What exactly have you done for Terrell (Owens) besides get him kicked off the team?" Drew Rosenhaus: "Next question."

Man of the Year: Brad Pitt. Hitting both ends of the spectrum in the same calendar year? That doesn't just happen, people.

Most Underappreciated Television Moment: Mike Myers's follow-up to Kanye West's "George Bush doesn't care about black people" rant. "Unsubtle."

Second-Best Television Moment: Tim Russert grilling Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff like a New York strip steak

Biggest Grapefruits: Joe Hachem, for calling a pre-flop raise with 7-3 offsuit and winning the hand and the 2005 World Series of Poker main event

Trend I'm Most Sick Of: This whole "combining the first names of celebrity couples" phenomenon

Sex Symbol of 2005: Well, it's gotta be Jessica Alba, right?

I'm Totally Obsessed With: Melina. And getting out of debt.

People I'm Glad I Wasn't: 1. Michael Brown; 2. Donovan McNabb; 3. Judy Miller; 4. Tom DeLay; 5. Drew Rosenhaus

Bitch of the Year: Katrina

Best Song I Downloaded This Year: Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx - "Gold Digger"

Biggest Fall: Lindsay Lohan (barely edging out Terrell Owens)

Best Unexpected Verbal Smackdown: Pamela Anderson on Paris Hilton

Underrated Hottie: Kathryn Morris

Most Pleasant Surprise: The new NHL. Hockey's watchable again.

Biggest Regret: Missing "Taradise". Watching this questionably attractive and borderline insane woman tool around the planet with her infinitely hotter friends (Natasha~) and damn near kill herself every week? That's entertainment, people. Even if you only see 10 minutes of it like I did.

What I'm Doing After I Post This: *looks around apartment* At least I have cake.

Unanswered Question Of 2005: I still don't know what a "hollaback girl" is

First Burning Question for 2006: Was there really an outcry for a sequel to Underworld?

Train Wreck Waiting To Happen: It's a tie between Ellen Finds a Man for Tara Reid and Mets fans when the Braves win the NL East... AGAIN

Ambition for 2006: Oh, there's plenty. New job, new apartment. Start the novel, work on my poker skills. Girlfriend? Who can say.

A Tale of Two Holidays

Christmas:
Annual ornament (the Three Wise Men)
2006 Dave Barry daily calendar
two pairs of pants
Weird N.J. #25
$200, which went to...

Festivus (bought Wed.):
Smackdown vs. Raw 2006
Positively Fifth Street by James McManus
Tales from the Tiltboys by Phil, Rafe, Perry, et. al.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy DVD (widescreen)
The Truman Show DVD (Special Edition)
two poster frames

The rest of Festivus actually took place on Christmas Day, which should probably have disrupted space-time:

AIRING OF GRIEVANCES
- I complained about the "rum martini" scented candle which was burning to cover the aroma of the roasting Prime Rib (which we may also have had last year)
- Mom lamented the lack of grandchildren, which is going about eight steps too far ahead

FEATS OF STRENGTH
- Lugging three gift boxes packed full of new dishware across the room
- Not getting sick due to the smell of the candle

By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 16: I Wanna Be Around

View Finder: SD @ KC; PHI @ AZ

You know what's been kind of overlooked is that the Falcons' defense is not nearly as good as it was last year. And this isn't what they wanted... a must-win against the one team that really owns Vick. Plus, Cadillac's running all over them. Does anybody want to win this game? And what happens if it ends in a tie? I'm glad I'm not a coach because I don't know what I'd have done on that 4th and 2 in overtime. I mean, I guess I'd have gone for it, but...

Speaking of things visiting teams don't want, how about the Chargers in Arrowhead in the least conspicuous driving rainstorm you'll ever see. They're tackling like the Chiefs did last week, and it's not like Johnson's been almost impossible to stop as it is. No one scored in the second half? Really? *crosses off Chargers*

Santa Chad~~~~ What's going on here? Oh, sure the Bills have beaten the Bengals seven straight times, but these aren't the same old Bengals. OK, now they need to be worried. That kickoff/interception touchdown return double's never happened before? Deion never did it? I'm genuinely shocked by that.

The 49ers do realize the No. 1 pick's on the line, right?

The Redskins are probably mad over what happened last time. Can't blame 'em. And already they've improved on that by scoring. When did Santana Moss become great? Now everybody's getting into the act. You know who's good is Jon Jansen. Patrick Ramsey lives! But he's burning timeouts like he's taking orders from Mike Martz. Ah, there we go. Holy crap. That's four in a row. They can still win the East? What's going on here?

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass? I Don't, And Frankly, Neither Should You: Eagles-Cardinals.

Why not just leave Alexander in the game if you're gonna do that? I dunno.

Poor Mark Tauscher. Expends all that energy to run to the lower part of the wall to do the Leap and the play gets called back. Then Favre gets an interception taken off the board. Noah Herron? Was Eddie Lee Ivery unavailable? Longwell doesn't usually miss twice like that. The quasi-Favre's-eye view on the Briggs interception was nice - Brett clearly couldn't see him - but you shouldn't throw that pass if you can't see where it's supposed to be going. Rex has been... serviceable. Uh-oh. Here come the Packers? HERE COME THE PACKERS? Or not.

Who are you and what have you done with Kyle Boller?

I gotta be honest: Madden using the phrase "render unto Caesar" pretty much completes the entire Monday Night Football experience for me. There's nothing left for them to do. I thought it was nice that Vinny and Flutie were able to get out onto the field without the aid of their walkers. Very inspiring. I'm stunned they even showed that part of the Nicollette Sheridan/T.O. bit in the intro video package.

FANTASY REPORT JackSux: Damn you, Rob T. Damn your SOUL. I'm still not sure how it happened - maybe I misread the scores - but I was up about 12 after Saturday and ended up losing by 15. Second year in a row he's beaten me in the playoffs. And this one was for the championship.

aPa SmackDown!: Lost to Doom in the fifth-place game.

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (13-2) - Not particularly concerned right now
2. Seattle (13-2) - OMG
3. Denver (12-3) - Taking leisurely stroll into No. 2 seed

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco (3-12) - Help is still needed
31. Houston (3-12) - Bottom/top spot not a sure thing anymore
32. Green Bay (3-12) - Make it stop

Thank You, Lisa

From an email. I don't think she'll mind.

**********

"If I could possibly offend you by speaking about any holiday...

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for a socially conscious, low-stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of a holiday on or near the date of the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious and/or secular persuasion of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, inclusive of the choice not to engage in any religious or secular traditions.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish, at the sole discretion of wisher.

A merry non-demoninational holiday to you.

For those of you who aren't tight ass, jerk-offs who are offended by everything

merry christmas!!

**********
I'm ghost like Swayze. See you Tuesday.

By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 15: ...And Justice For All

Chris Simms on the road? Whatever.

Coughlin never looks happy. He can't even manage "nonplussed." Of course, he's only got about 16 players left. Who taught the Chiefs how to tackle? This is embarrassing. Run, Tiki! Run! Is anybody going to try to stop a running back today? Guess not. Personally, I'm fine with the Giants winning the division.

View Finder: PHI @ STL, PIT @ MIN, DAL @ WSH

No, the sign you're not having a good year is when your game gets swapped back to a 1:00 slot. The "Embraceable Ewes"? They better be the hottest women alive. I'm trying to pay attention here but this game is just so bad. Faulk still has it, sort of. Neither quarterback hit 100 yards passing? That's a record, right? I still don't know where Bartrum came from. Faulk standing on the sideline during the final drive? Did Martz come back and not tell anybody?

You know how wild animals become more dangerous when they're wounded? That's the Chargers. That's a good number for Merriman to be wearing, I think. Is it just me or have the Chargers completely bottled up Edge? Interesting that the Colts ended up going back to September and relied on their defense to get them out of this hole. It's hard to keep these guys down, yet it's still too close. It seems like the Chargers have deflected about nine passes. Why's Turner in the game? Oh. Aw. I was hoping they'd do it.

And here's the same thing again with the dangerous wounded animals. The Vikings' red zone meltdowns are making me wonder if the end zones have been over-pollinated or quarantined or something. Well, when you can't throw it... *crosses off Vikings*

If the Dolphins had a quarterback, they'd be dangerous.

You know, Reggie Bush may swerve us all and go back. It's not like there isn't a precedent for it. And you could argue that the Cardinals need him more than the Texans do anyway -- he can't pass-block that I know of.

Man, all those angry fans in Bengals colors... that's just... wrong. The great thing about Chad's non-celebration was that he looked around for a few seconds like he didn't know what he was gonna do. Which may have been it, actually -- he went minimalist on us. Wow. Next thing you know, the Clippers are gonna be in first place. *Is handed bulletin* What? WHAT?

And now it's time for Eagles fans to indulge in their second-favorite pastime: rooting against the Cowboys. What the hell, Brunell, you couldn't do this last week when I needed you? Damn you. I couldn't enjoy this as much as I'd liked because it was the Redskins.

Browns 9, Raiders 7. Yeah, that's about right.

Bet ESPN didn't think this one would shape up to be as interesting and important as it is. Hmmm. First to 10 wins? Man, guys are getting hit big-time on both sides. I'd make Simmons' "Is that... is that Rex Grossman's music?" joke here but nobody'd recognize the actual music. Still, that's an... oddly timed move. The Carpenter interception/immediate fumble happened earlier in the Lions game but they got it back. I'm surprised Jenkins got up after the hit he took. Ouch.

To answer Johnny's question, it's the same thing that was happening to Joe Paterno the last few years... everybody knows the end's coming, but nobody wants to see it end like this. (Well, except maybe Vikings fans.)

FANTASY REPORT

JackSux: Powered by Tiki, I beat Johnny 76-49 to reach the finals, where I'll face... Rob in a rematch of last year's semifinal.

aPa SmackDown!: We beat Nate and will play Doom for fifth place.

RANKINGS

TOP 3
1. Indianapolis (13-1) - Now the real fun begins
2. Denver (11-3) - Keep rolling along
3. Cincinnati (11-3) - Nothing less than the beginning of a new age

BOTTOM 3
30. Green Bay (3-11) - Giving up 48 to the Ravens?!?!?
31. San Francisco (2-12) - Only Jets have scored fewer points
32. Houston (2-12) - Make your own joke, folks

Color Scheme

As far as being angry goes, Ron Artest really shouldn't have anything on Donovan McNabb.

From being booed on draft day by an isolated group of brainwashed Eagles fans to being called "overrated" by a political commentator with absolutely no knowledge of the game of football to being ripped in the media by a self-absorbed "teammate" with the people skills of a SCUD missile, it's a wonder the man hasn't snapped, or gotten visibly fed up, or wanted out. It's gone beyond ludicrous.

And now, because McNabb has chosen to take the high road each time and handle these criticisms with class, dignity and eloquence (and apparently also because he's done something as relatively trivial as not scramble as much as he used to) that doesn't make him "black" enough.

By now you know the story: Philadelphia NAACP president J. Whyatt "Jerry" Mondeshire took several shots at McNabb in his Philadelphia Sun column last week, calling him a mediocre quarterback and a terrible leader, saying he's wasting his talent by not running the ball more often, then accusing McNabb of playing the race card when he says "that's what people expect black quarterbacks to do."

Except McNabb was absolutely right. That is what people expect black quarterbacks to do. And even that doesn't mean that all black quarterbacks throughout history have been just runners (I wonder if Mondeshire's ever heard of a guy by the name of Warren Moon.)

There are so many things about this latest controversy that just flat-out piss me off, but the most personal aspect for me is the idea that, if you're black, you have to act a certain way, or talk a certain way, or play a certain way to be considered "black." (Note the distinction I'm making by putting "black" in quotes there.)

Both of my parents are college-educated. My dad spent five years in the Air Force after leaving school, then became a civilian employee and an Army Reservist, working as a flight line mechanic at McGuire Air Force Base. Mom's been a registered nurse for over 30 years. I'm an only child who grew up in a well-established, racially and ethnically mixed suburban New Jersey neighborhood. Does that make me any less black than the guy who grew up in West Philadelphia or Flatbush or Compton with his three siblings raised by his grandmother?

No.

And yet I struggled with this through a decent portion of my teenage years, when rap went gangsta and the images associated with it were all over the place. When you're a teenager and going through all the things mentally that teenagers go through, well, it's just one more major thing to have on your mind. You see that and it's hard not to think that that's the way it should be, that that's the way young black men are supposed to act.

That's a bunch of crap, of course. And thinking back, I think I knew then that it wasn't representative of all of us, which is probably why I didn't try to play the role. It didn't seem natural. It wasn't who I was. And I eventually learned that it didn't matter.

I guess to some people it still does.

The notion that anyone -- regardless of race -- is selling out his race by acting or not acting a certain way is insane. That someone who's supposed to be a leader in the black community is advocating that notion is obscene.

You can criticize McNabb's play all you want. You won't necessarily be right, but that's in-bounds.

But his race doesn't belong in this argument. Or any argument, for that matter.

The Crap That's In My Head

Slightly neurotic teenager on bus: "You know what I hate, man? When you're in the temple with the gold B-Buddha, and you pick the leave with the virus on it!"

Narrator: "Soon the world will be divided into two groups. Those who've experienced Burn: Cycle, the CD interactive adventure game..."

VFX from game: "That's gotta be one hell of a virus!"

Narrator: "...and those who think the first group is just... strange."

You'll see by the link that that ad's 10 years old.

I think I need help.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 14: Talking (Play)Book

View Finder: IND @ JAX, NYG @ PHI

Da-da-da-daa-da-daaaaaa! CHARLIE! And with that, the home stretch begins. Nice of the Jaguars to make it easy for everyone by just coming completely unglued. And now it's the Mike Vanderjagt Show. DAVID GARRARD CANNOT BE TACKLED. I was a big fan of this guy in college; I'd like to see him get a real shot somewhere. Inside, Dungy's screaming a string of expletives. I actually agree with the Jaguars kicking it deep after they closed to 26-18 for two reasons: 1) they got damn lucky on the first onside kick; and 2) the Colts know it's coming. Nice catch, Dallas. NEXT.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Browns-Bengals.

This Bus comes with all-weather tires. Ben probably shouldn't even consider throwing any deep balls in this weather, and it looks like he's heeding that advice. You could really pencil this in as a loss for the Bears right away -- the Steelers came in desperate and have too much talent to fall to a team that can't score points.

*glances warily at the Vikings*

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Raiders-Jets.

Tomlinson hasn't done much. That should be a concern. How do you let the kicker recover his own kick? Chris Chambers is a BEAST. Or at least he has been the last couple of weeks. You think Brees said to Marty, "I should really just do this myself" and Marty said "Yeah, you're probably right." Holy crap. The Dolphins did this last year, too, but it didn't hurt the Patriots as badly as this one does. I'll be shocked if the Chargers get up from that.

A very small part of me is liking this "We have no expectations at this point" thing. And there goes Tiki, killing us again like he's done for years. The most surprising thing about the Moats touochdown was how he was running away from people. I don't think anyone knew he had that kind of speed. And now the Giants start losing offensive linemen like they're bicycle instructions. Bob Whitfield's still alive? When Billy McMullen's catching passes, anything's possible. Are the Giants actually gonna screw around and lose this game? The officiating tonight has been... questionable. When you're throwing to two guys in the same spot, you'd think you'd hit one of them, right? Tie game! And Eli throws another pick! You are KIDDING me. McMahon tried to sell the fumble as a forward pass, but too little, too late. Hey, this guy's still suspect... damn it. Donovan would've won that game.

Now this is more like it. Alexander's crane kick~~~~~~

*crosses off Chiefs*

Here's your chance to see an ESPN programming executive weep hysterically. Honestly, at this point the Lions should just go straight to Orlovsky. I think Sherman made a deal with Favre that he could still be quarterback, but he wasn't allowed to throw any more passes. What the hell, you're 4-8, go for it! D'OH!!! OK, seriously; how was that not a safety? The hold took place in the end zone. Even the refs have failed the Lions this year.

You'd think the Saints would learn not to let Vick get to the edge like that. Wow, both quarterbacks are getting beat up tonight. Great catch by White, and it seems like Vick's sort of found a wideout he's confortable throwing to. Why is Matt Schaub in the game?

FANTASY REPORT

aPa SmackDown!: Mark Brunell can kiss my ass. Three interceptions against the Cardinals?!?! Thanks to LDT's off day, I actually would have had a shot against Weeba if he'd done anything positive. As it is, I lost, 86.77-74.56

JackSux: That performance cost Brunell his starting spot for the Captains as well. I had a bye this week and will face Johnny in the semis.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (13-0) - Let the debate begin
2. Cincinnati (10-3) - Survive Carson's bad game
3. Seattle (10-3) - Party at Starbucks tonight

BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (3-10) - End this charade
31. San Francisco (2-11) - Things can only get better...
32. Houston (1-12) - ... and I can't even say that for sure about the Texans

By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 13: Birth of the Cool

View Finder: CIN @ PIT, DAL @ NYG, DEN @ KC

What's that thing on Ben's hand? Have you ever heard of a chronically injured thumb before? It's a parade of interceptions here right now and Ben doesn't look good. Pittsburgh's corners cannot cover the Bengals' receivers. Did Ward get there? Yes! ICKEY SHUFFLE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm stunned that Ward beat Chad to it. These kids today, no sense of history. David Pollack lives! I think Carson's officially broken the Heisman quarterback curse. What's happened to the Steelers?

I have zero faith in Mike Tice's ability to not screw this up.

I'm against the Giants' red jerseys. Strahan looks like he's wearing a rubber suit. Okay, that guy's either offside or really really REALLY quick... Bledsoe almost handed him the ball. Who knew Terry Glenn being shut out would hurt the Cowboys' offense so much? They're running out of corners, too, even though they keep intercepting Eli. Oh dear Lord. Feely may not make another field goal this season. At least that one didn't end up meaning anything.

Odd that the Falcons are just now getting around to playing the Panthers. I'm leaning towards "against" on the baby-wipe celebration. Did somebody from Carolina steal Tampa Bay's Falcons game tapes? Because this is pretty much how the Bucs stop Vick and he's owned the Panthers in recent years. Hey, wait a minute! That's why those cheerleaders were down in Tampa! I've cracked the case.

Sage Rosenfels? You're kidding me, right?

This may be the day the Bears end their 56-game losing streak against Favre or whatever it is. That's gotta be heartbreaking, to run an interception back that far and not score. The 95 yards would be more than the 68 or so Orton threw for. Ouch! Is that an Aaron Rodgers sighting? It probably should have been.

The Broncos are MOTIVATED. The Chiefs are DESPERATE. And nobody bothered to cover Hall on that long touchdown catch. By the same token, you'd think somebody on the Chiefs would have noticed Plummer split out wide and said, "Hey, isn't 16 usually... over there?" Shanahan's been running that play for years. I thought they were gonna throw it to him until the ball was snapped and he made no attempt to even fake running a route. Nice save, Trent. Will someone please explain to Lynch you can't lead with your helmet? And while you're at it, tell him to shut up before he gets tossed (and I'm mildly surprised he didn't) Larry Johnson was massive in this game. How about this seuqence: The Broncos go for it on fourth down and they get it, they call time out, the Chiefs challenge it (and rightly so -- Anderson wasn't even close), get the call overturned, the officials reset the game clock to 2:01, and then Shanahan lobbies for his time out back and gets it.

Between last week's Haslett remark and that B.S. he spewed last night about how Moss is a better teammate than T.O., Theismann's really starting to piss me off. So that's where Michael Turner ended up. Well, at least the Raiders... didn't get penalized? Baby steps.

Completely Unrelated Aside: And that's what makes them the Duke Blue Devils.

REG-GIE! REG-GIE! REG-GIE! Inclement weather~~~~ I took Monday night off months in advance. I figured the Eagles are playing, could be a big game, I'll get to actually see Raw during the commercials... and I get this? It's clearly a sign from above. So that's where Andre Dyson ended up. I think Stephanie McMahon could have played quarterback better than Mike McMahon did tonight. Y'know, Randall's here... can we get him a uniform or something? Reggie's turning over in his grave. What? That was in poor taste? So was this game. Shut your mouth.

FANTASY REPORT

aPa SmackDown! (8-5, W3, 5th seed): Edged A Football God 75-70, but couldn't get out of the 5 spot. I'm stuck with Weeba in the first round of the playoffs, and he waxed me in Week 3 and has Tomlinson, so I'm pretty much toast.

JackSux (10-3, W2, 1st seed): Won my season finale by two points. Rob made it a six-team playoff this year instead of the absurd eight, so I get a bye into the semis, which is a Good Thing as I would've had a lot of bad matchups this week.

RANKINGS:

TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (12-0) - Next!
2. Cincinnati (9-3) - Bungles no more
3. (tie) Denver (9-3) - Problems at Arrowhead continue
(tie) Seattle (10-2) - Stock rises with nationally televised ass-kicking

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco (2-10) - Got swept by the Cardinals
31. Green Bay (2-10) - Someone please tell Favre it's over
32. Houston (1-11) - Seriously, what's left?