By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5

In Which The First Wave Of Concessions Hits, The Locks Are Changed, And Words Are Lost

The Broncos outgained the Chiefs 469-261 from scrimmage Sunday. Just kick it out of bounds. It's no longer worth it.

I'm not sure if this counts as a "good" win for the Vikings, but it's probably the best one they've had so far, what with having to actually come back and all. Falcons "fans" (Atlanta=WORST pro sports town in America) were ripping off Saints fans with the paper bags (which is sad in itself; ripping off Saints fans?) - never mind that their best player's been hurt all year.

That gust of wind you all felt around 4:20 Sunday was Raider fans everywhere throwing in their towels. Dierdorf then predicted a Cubs victory later that night. More on this farce in the Fantasy Report.

The good news for the Giants is Ricky didn't beat them. The bad news is they beat themselves. Shockey was annoyed afterwards at some of the fans leaving early. Could be worse, kid - you could play for the Cardinals, who HAVE no fans.

Last year Emmitt said he was "a diamond amongst trash." Nothing's changed, Emmitt... nothing's changed. Have I mentioned yet that I do NOT like the Cowboys being competitive again?

Not the best of homecomings for Holmgren and Mooch, either.

"One thing Jim Johnson is known for is sending the kitchen sink at young QBs. Today in South Philadelphia, not one sink is to be found." The Redskins' offensive line committed seven false starts - rookie left guard Derrick Dockery (3), left tackle Chris Samuels (2) and right tackle Jon Jansen and tight end Robert Royal (1 each). Is Westbrook starting to emerge as "the guy"? Everybody in the building thought the Skins were going to spike it. Even the announcers! Before this, the only home team to win at the new place had Mia Hamm on it. This Ramsey, he ain't bad. Shame what's going to happen to him next week.

The Tommy Maddox dream is officially over. Meanwhile, Couch may have just saved his career.

The baseball game ended and we switched over and saw the Williams score. We figured it was over after Ronde's pick. Twenty-one points, 4:15 left. It's over, right? Right? RIGHT? Was I the only one thinking "There's too much time left" after the Colts tied it? Then Vanderjagt missed the FG and the whole "idiot kicker" thing came flooding back. This should never have happened. Especially not to that team. JEBUS. In order: Tupa flop was BS, rule on the call on Rice is BS (how the hell can you NOT land on somebody when you're all jumping STRAIGHT UP) and the Bucs DID deserve to lose. Ramsey's probably curled up in a corner crying softly to himself after seeing that, knowing he may only have five days left to live.

Fantasy Report: Fuck you, Rich Gannon. Five field goals? FIVE FIELD GOALS? Against the fucking BEARS? That's it. You're done. You're FUCKING done. This is the second time you've disappeared in a game I would have won had you been able to DO anything. One touchdown pass? One? Is that too much to FUCKING ask? No. No, FUCK you. Sit down and shut up. This is bullshit and I'm tired of it.

FUCK.

YOU.

RICH.

GANNON.

*punts bottle of Geritol across the parking lot*

At least Max finally won.

TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis - "Repent! THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!"
2. Kansas City - And without a passing game, really
3. Carolina - Davis becoming a deal-sealer

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona - Meh
31. New Orleans - And there's TALENT here. That's the worst part
32. San Diego - Uhhhh...