Sunday, February 26, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Seeing Red

I don't even know who's singing the anthem. Roof is OPEN.
Dak's laughing. He gets it.
When did they add "America the Beautiful" to this? Chris Stapleton got the anthem call this year, and he comes in at 2:05. Chiefs win the toss and defer. They've punched up the score bug. I don't remember the Eagles' fan presence being like this last time. Smith spins out of a tackle. Gainwell appears to score, but the refs rule that his elbow was down. Then Hurts sneaks it in anyway. Chopping up the "Any Given Sunday" "Inches'" speech was a choice. Chiefs' first pass is to Kelce for 20. Pacheco gets 20. Touchdown Kelce as Epps stumbles and Kelce ends up behind him.
Eagles go three and out. Figuring out how to make sure Kelce is covered at some point would be nice. Butker's kick THUDS off the upright! No good. A.J. slant ends the first quarter. And the second quarter begins with an A.J. bomb! Touchdown! Bradberry plays it tight and the Eagles force a punt. Pascal rescues Hurts on third and 8. Gainwell slips on the logo at midfield. Semualo gets called for a false start. Hurts loses the ball and Nick Bolton scoops it up and ties the game at 14!
Hurts throws deep but Brown's route takes him into double coverage. Hurts keeps it on fourth and 5 from the Chiefs' 45 and picks up 29.
Smith comes up limping after a short second-down catch. Eagles going for it again, this time on fourth and 2. The Chiefs jumped! AND they were lined up in the neutral zone.
Hurts keeps it and scores. Goodell siting with the Kelces' mom and Damar Hamlin. Chiefs false start. Edwards takes down Mahomes and HE gets up limping. Oh man, you can see on his face he's in pain.
Covey with his best return of the year. The Coors Light vs. Miller Lite tease ends up being a Blue Moon spot. Long ball to Smith, but the booth's gonna look at it. Nobody seems sure. After about four minutes, they rule it incomplete. Pereira doesn't love it.
Another slant to Brown, then he cuts back outside and gets out of bounds with 16 seconds left. Elliott hits from 35 and it's 24-14 Eagles at halftime.

I feel like it should be mandated that you open a Super Bowl halftime show with one of your three biggest hits. These floating stages are wild. She can do "All of the Lights" without Kanye. And apparently also "Run This Town" without Jay? "Diamonds in the Sky" feels like the closer. Pretty great for someone who hadn't made any new music for six years or so and just took a year off of creating a highly-regarded beauty line to have a kid... and is apparently having another one?

Mahomes comes out to start the second half. Kelce somehow pulls in a low pass from Mahomes. Mahomes gets flushed from the pocket but scrambles for 12 to the Eagles' 5. Touchdown Pacheco. That was a good series by the Chiefs' offensive line. Tom Rinaldi reports the Eagles have stacked up piles of new cleats because of how slippery the field seems to be. Sanders gets drilled and the ball comes loose, Bolton picks it up and runs it in. It's called a touchdown on the field, but the review reverses it. Goedert converts third and 6 for his first catch. Hurts throws long under pressure but Watkins can't bring it in. Goedert?!? There's a flag down on the next play. What's going on? A substitution situation? Now the Chiefs have challenged the Goedert catch.

I'm not seeing where Olsen thinks Goedert lost it. Call STANDS. Jesus. Bold choice bringing Tuco back for the Breaking Bad spot. And I was spoiled the Miles Teller Bud Light "On Hold" ad. (That's actually his wife, by the way.)
Scott gets stopped on a pitch but Hurts gets the sneak again. Chiefs get a stop and force a field goal.
Did Elliott go down on that kickoff? He DID. Pacheco running hard. Now JuJu has three catches in a row. Make it four. Chiefs at the Eagles' 6. Chiefs fool everyone and Kadarius Toney walks into the end zone. Chiefs take the lead.
Chiefs blitz on third down and the Eagles go three and out. And there's the special teams breakdown Eagles fans have been dreading all year. That's the longest punt return in Super Bowl history and the Chiefs are set up at the Eagles' 5. Now Moore's wide open for a touchdown and this game's over. Don't know why they're running the ball here. SMITH! Hurts punches it in! Eagles go for two, Hurts goes left and gets there! We're tied at 35!
Gardner-Johnson finally shows up and blasts Pacheco. He gets him again in the open field, but not before Pacheco gets another first down. 2:57 left.
Mahomes beats the pressure and runs for 20. He overthrows Smith-Shuster but they get Bradberry for holding. What? Seriously? The Eagles were going to let McKinnon score but he slides at the 1. I still don't see a hold.
Butker's kick is good with eight seconds left.
Hail Mary falls way short. This breaks the MVP Super Bowl curse.
The Eagles now hold the distinction of having scored the most points in a Super Bowl loss — a distinction formerly held by the Patriots when the Eagles beat them. Also: England's getting another visit from the champs, just like five years ago when the Eagles won. Did Bud Light pay Chad Henne to retire with a tall boy in his hands? Run it back on opening night? It could happen. (Chiefs 38, Eagles 35)
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Sunday, February 12, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Residency

Eagles get the ball first. Tensions are high already, and they were before kickoff. Fred Warner down after the second play and he's too good to lose. He's back in after two plays. 49ers blitz but Brown scoops up a low throw to convert. Third down pass is short. They go on fourth and 3, and Smith makes a one-handed catch inside the 10! Sanders scores untouched.
Oh, it turns out Smith didn't hold on to the ball. Oh well. No Elijah Mitchell for the 49ers. The First Lady is here with Goodell. Eagles challenge this batted incomplete pass — are they saying it's actually a fumble?
Call REVERSED. Eagles ball! Erin reports they're looking at Purdy's wrist. Gainwell gets nothing on third and 4 from midfield, and they'll punt. And Josh Johnson is in at quarterback for the 49ers. Reddick sacks him on second down. Delay of game follows. McCaffrey gets about 16 back but the 49ers still punt. Now Bosa's down on the sideline. Hurts overthrows Brown deep. Punt isn't good. There's a penalty against the Eagles, who are all pointing up as if the ball hit the Skycam cable. If it did, then they'll re-kick it. Refs announce that they can't confirm that it hit the wire, so it's 49ers ball at midfield. Another delay of game. 49ers end up punting on fourth and 20. Covey shouldn't have caught that punt. Hurts barely escapes the end zone. 49ers feeding McCaffrey. He breaks eight tackles and scores. Eagles running game not working right now. Sneak on fourth down is successful. Deep ball to Smith is broken up. Jimmie Ward gets caught grabbing Brown. Now everybody's out of sorts. Nice run by Gainwell, who gets 17. Another penalty on a 49ers defensive back. Sanders gets chased down by Greenlaw. But on the next play, he finds another big hole for another touchdown. Olsen wonders how the 49ers will play this with 1:36 left. They throw it and Deebo gets a first down. Fumble! Eagles ball! Johnson just dropped the snap and Reddick comes out with it. Goedert gets a first down. Face mask on Greenlaw? Yeah, and he knew it. Touchdown Scott! Wait, these aren't the Giants. Eagles line up to go for two but they had 12 men on the field. PAT is good. McCloud returns the kickoff to the 40...
...but it ends up not mattering. 21-7 Eagles at halftime. Is Johnson having trouble hearing the calls? After that delay of game he pointed to his ear.
Johnson gets drilled and Slay just misses the interception. And now they're looking at Johnson? McCaffrey's the emergency quarterback and they're changing his helmet as Johnson is taken off the field. This might be a concussion check, as his head bounced off the ground after this. Purdy comes back in and just hands it off to McCaffrey. Purdy back in after the Eagles go three and out, but who knows how his wrist is.
(Yes, that is that Drew Henson making that joke.) Screen to McCaffrey doesn't work because two guys didn't block Edwards. Did Gainwell catch that? He sure did. 49ers come after this punt, and Kern barely gets it off, but the refs call roughing, giving the Eagles a first down. (Running into the kicker would have made it 4th and 1.) Three straight Hurts designed runs is not what I would have done here, but it's working. He gets hit out of bounds on the last one. That's too far for a sneak. That might be too, but the Eagles get in anyway. 28-7. Deebo takes the kickoff. Johnson's been ruled out. If Purdy can't throw, we're done here. And we might be done here even if he can. They give it to Deebo on fourth and 2 and he gets stuffed. There may not be any more pass attempts in this game. Greenlaw gets penalized for throwing punches. He was trying to punch the ball out while Gainwell was stood up, but he didn't stop. These guys are falling apart.
What's that about? Elliott eventually makes it 31-7. Couple of scrums break out, then Trent Williams throws an Eagle down and the flags start flying. Both Williams and K'Von Wallace, who he threw to the ground, get tossed. Sirianni pulls Hurts because this game's over and the 49ers are going out like punks.
(Eagles 31, 49ers 7)

Bengals are moving backwards. That first drive net gained four yards before they had to punt. The Chiefs aren't going to win this challenge, I don't think. Nope, call stands. Butker hits from 43 and we have points. The Bengals' second drive somehow goes worse than their first one.

FUMBLE but McKinnon saves it for the Chiefs. Touchdown Pacheco. Wait, they called a hold? What? Oh man. Mahomes throws short and that had no chance of reaching the end zone. Butker makes it 6-0. Karlaftis with the Chiefs' fourth sack already.
Burrow finds Boyd on third and 14 and the Bengals finally cross midfield. Hurst with a drop in the end zone. Field goal is good. Mahomes goes downfield to MVS twice in a row. Fourth and 1. Chiefs load up with tight ends. Mahomes rolls and Kelce's got it for a touchdown. Watson jumps in front of Higgins and picks off an underthrown Burrow pass. Bryan Cook hits Hurst, and Thornhill ends up with the pick, but the hit was early and the Bengals keep the ball. Higgins to the 5. Then Watson knocks it away on the next play. Bengals kick a field goal. 13-6 Chiefs at halftime. Burrow DRAW. HIGGINS!! Up between two defenders and he pulls it down for a touchdown. We're tied at 13.
Mahomes fires through a tight window to Hardman, and they're both feeling it afterwards. Hardman's down. Screen to MVS and he's got blockers. He gets 26. Chiefs challenge this spot on the stretch by MVS. They win, but they're out of challenges.
Also, they shouldn't have won that challenge. Mahomes dumps one off to Pacheco while being dragged down. The refs discuss it and rule (correctly) that he was down. Then he looks for Valdes-Scantling in the end zone — and finds him! 20-13 Chiefs. Offensive holding wipes out a 19-yard pass on third and 7. The snap gets away from Mahomes and the Bengals fall on it! Bengals go on fourth and 6 and Burrow hits Chase for 35! You can take that chance with those two guys to throw to. Perine powers in for a touchdown. We're tied again. Now Pacheco's struggling after that run. Wait, what's going on?
Then the Bengals get a sack anyway. But Apple's called for defensive holding on the next play.
Chiefs are... punting? This time, Cook knocks the ball away from Higgins... right to Joshua Williams! Chiefs ball! Pacheco breaks a tackle and gets 16 on a swing pass. Bengals decline a holding penalty on the Chiefs to make it fourth and 8 with 2:36 left. Nantz notes that McKinnon is the up man here but the Chiefs punt it away.
That's intentional grounding, Hurst left wide open on third and 16. SACK! Skyy Moore returns the punt to midfield.
Mahomes scrambles right and gets the first down going out of bounds. Then Ossai hits him late and grabs his knee and Mahomes get up slowly. You gotta throw that flag.
Now Butker's got a 41-yarder with eight seconds left. It's GOOD! That's such a Bengals way to lose.
(Chiefs 23, Bengals 20)
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By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Guaranteed Money

A surrounded Mahomes finds Kelce just as he's about to be taken down, and Kelce just barely makes the first down. Then he somehow gets isolated in the middle of the field and no Jaguar can catch up to him.
Uh-oh. Agnew can do this. The Chiefs run him down but he still returns it 63 yards. Etienne breaks through on third and short and takes it all the way down to the 10. The Jaguars line up Kirk in the backfield, then Lawrence lofts one to him for a tying touchdown. No way a defensive end is covering that. Mahomes dodges the rush and finds Justin Watson. On the next play, Arden Key falls on Mahomes' leg, and he's limping. Chad Henne warming up, but Mahomes limps back out there. Yeah, he's struggling to step back and hand the ball off, even. First quarter ends. They tape it up and he goes back out for the second quarter. That's an incomplete pass. Butker hits from 50.
And now he's off to the locker room after this Jaguars drive ends. Punt goes down to the Chiefs' 2. Henne's in. He gives it to Pacheco and he takes it to the 16. His first pass is deflected and ALMOST intercepted. That was CLOSE.
Henne hits Toney to convert third down. Then he does it again, and tack on 15 for roughing. "Everybody shut up." Hot mic, ref! Pacheco bounces a run outside and gets 40 to the Jaguars' 4! Touchdown Kelce. Weirdly, Henne might be better in this year's Chiefs offense than last year's, if it comes to that:
Long shot for Kirk falls incomplete through his hands. Lawrence dumps it to Hasty for a first down. Pass gets broken up with 31 seconds left. Patterson makes a 41-yarder. Collinsworth wonders if Pederson would have gone for it if there was more time left, as it was fourth and 2. Chiefs kneel and go to the locker room up 17-10. Mahomes comes back out and starts throwing, so it looks like he's going back in. First play is a handoff. Mahomes is forced out of the pocket, hops, and dives for a first down. Rare miss to Kelce. That's a LOT of tape. Pacheco is ruled short on the sideline. Chiefs challenge... and lose? OK then. They sneak it and still don't get it.
OK, I can see letting Noah Gray get wide open.
JuJu gets hit with OPI, and it's third and 19 now. Screen to Kelce gets them back into field goal range. Butker's good from 50. Lawrence scramble. Lawrence to Zay Jones for 37. Reverse by Kirk gets 18 to the Chiefs' 4. Touchdown Etienne! Kelce gets open again. JuJu with a tough catch. Pacheco breaks a tackle on the sideline and is pushed out at the 4. Mahomes dances, jumps, and hits MVS for a touchdown! 27-17 with 7:08 left.
OH WOW JAYLEN WATSON! And the Jaguars just ran out of chances. They kick a field goal with 32 seconds left, since, well. Onside kick... fails. (Chiefs 27, Jaguars 20)


Eagles get the ball first. Hurts drops a DIME to Smith for 42. That quick slant to A.J. has not been stopped all year. Quick outside shots aren't working so far. Goedert with a one-handed grab and he turns upfield and scores. The CHAIN broke? There was a chain issue in the first game, too.
We really need a commercial break for this? Jones getting good protection so far. That is, until Reddick tags him and he goes down. Giants going on 4th and 8? The pocket breaks down and that might be intentional grounding? It's not called that, but whatever. Eagles line up for a sneak on third down but pitch it to Gainwell and he gets 15. Hurts gets a tough eight yards. Screen to Smith. Touchdown!
Jones runs around until Brieda gets loose and Jones finds him at midfield. Bradberry interception! Man, he scores if he doesn't fall. Second quarter opens with a false start. Hurts then throws his first incompletion. Jones gets hit and leaves the game, and he appears to be having a contact lens issue the way he's looking at his hand. Replay shows he picked it off of his face mask. Moose: "It is a contact sport." Hodgins makes the catch but he's short and the Giants set up to punt. They do kick it. (That looked like a bad spot to me.) Someone's down, and by the way Dickerson grabbed his ankle at the end of that replay, it might be him. The Eagles have run a lot more than they did on the first series. Sanders on the move. Hurts is so good at getting to the sideline once he heads that way. Goedert breaks a tackle but gets tripped up at the 4. Give it to Boston! Touchdown! Come on, man.
It's just silly now. Also, 21-0 Eagles. Joe Davis wonders if there's enough fireworks fuel.
Is the USFL taking shots at the XFL? And is there enough room for two spring leagues? Quick pass to Smith, who stumbles but keeps his feet and gets the first down. Gainwell gets hit late after a drop. Hurts juggles the snap, then takes it in himself. Eagles line up to go for two? Oh, they're not. LOL. WTF, Nick? Oh yeah, Peyton AND Eli are here tonight. Eagles almost block this punt. At least the Giants get the ball to start the second half? Three and out. Smith with a rare drop, and at first I thought he couldn't stay inbounds. Barkley finds a hole and gets 40. Jones runs left and barely makes the first down marker. Direct snap to Barkley, who hands it to Brieda, fooling everyone and getting the Giants a touchdown. Goedert open down the sideline. Hurts fumbles but the Eagles hang on to it. Smith gets eight back. Eagles punt. Fake? Kern went into a receiving spot. No, they're just trying to trick the Giants. Now they'll punt for real. Would've been a 55-yard field goal, FYI. We're through three. Jones throws short for Slayton on third and 6. Then they... punt? Really? Gainwell! That last surge to get the first down pops the crowd. Elliott makes it 31-7. Jones sees James wide open down the field and James drops it. Then Jones gets hit from behind. He finds Marcus Johnson for a first down, then gets sacked again two plays later. They're only at the 35? Blankenship misses a pick on fourth down but it doesn't matter. Late touchdown by Gainwell. Howie on the sideline! This score feels familiar. That was five years ago today? Damn. (Eagles 38, Giants 7)

Snow on the ground! It's a nice dusting. It started about an hour ago. Bengals will start with the ball. Moving early despite being down the entire right side of their offensive line. Chase finds a hole in the coverage and splits two defenders for a touchdown. Allen overthrows Diggs on third down. Mixon with a burst and he gets to midfield. Bills are offside. There's another Mixon run. Hurst gets behind the defense for another touchdown. 14-0 Bengals quickly.

Hendrickson hits Allen in the back but doesn't knock him down, and he's able to throw it away. Bills punt. Seven Bengals already have catches. First quarter ends with a Vonn Bell sack on a blitz. Are we sure that's the Hamlin family? All the snow's blocking the view of the suite. Allen to Diggs for the Bills' first first down. Beasley picks up another one. Bengals stuff James Cook on third and 2. Allen sneaks and gets it. Shakir was as open as the Bengals have been so far. Allen keeper is initially stopped, then he gets pushed to the 1. They do it again and he scores, then gets in Bates's face. Chase isn't easy to bring down. First and goal. Touchdown Chase! He went up between two defenders and somehow stayed inbounds. They're looking at control. Steratore thinks there's a chance this gets overturned because the ball comes loose even though it never hits the ground.
Call REVERSED and the Bengals settle for three.
Allen throws a perfectly placed ball to Davis. They go deep to Diggs but it's incomplete. Fans are unhappy they're punting but it's fourth and 10. Burrow scrambles for some reason, gets to the Bills' 47, but can't get out of bounds, and they spike it with two seconds left. Hail Mary falls short. Allen throws too high for Diggs, who then heads off seemingly hurt. Bass hits it and it's 17-10. Hurst jumps over a guy to convert third and 10. The refs start moving the chains, then stop, and Zac Taylor wants them to reset the play clock. They don't, but Mixon gets 13 on a toss on third and 1. Bills get caught with 12 men on the field at the goal line. Then they jump offside. Touchdown? Maybe? Touchdown.
Why are the Bills punting? White gets called for DPI on Higgins, then he and Poyer collide helmet to helmet. This Bengals drive ends with a field goal. 11:22 left. Mike Hilton blitzes and hits Allen, and they call this a fumble! This is close. They end up ruling it an incomplete pass. Allen actually went into the medical tent, but came back out in time for the next play. Allen looks to the end zone on fourth and 6, but Apple (!!!) breaks it up. Romo had called out a double-team on Diggs, but Allen didn't have anywhere to go for a few seconds. Should they have kicked a field goal there and made it a two-score game? Especially with no time outs? Bills haven't done much right today. Burrow: "Better send those refunds." (Bengals 27, Bills 10)

What the hell, Dak? Who was that even intended for? The 49ers get three on a 26-yarder by Gould. Fourth and 1. The Cowboys go to Lamb on a sweep and he gets the first. Touchdown Schultz. Here we go.

BLOCKED! ADVENTURE TIME CONTINUES! Yeah, that was a miss if it wasn't blocked.
Jennings gets the first down and add his jersey number to that for unnecessary roughness. Purdy finds Deebo. Gould ties it from 47 in the swirling wind. Greenlaw hits Zeke out of bounds and gets flagged. Then he chases down Pollard and brings him down short. Cowboys may go for it on fourth and 4 from the 35, but we'll find out after the two-minute warning. Well, they are. 49ers blitz, Dak gets out of it, and he runs for the first down. That Pollard injury doesn't look good. INTERCEPTION! Jimmie Ward deflects it to Greenlaw and so much for any of that. Dak threw it right into the coverage.
What the hell, Kyle? Call time out. They wasted about 25 seconds. What are we doing here? Gould from 50. It kind of knuckles up there but it's good. 9-6 49ers at halftime.
Pollard is OUT with an ankle injury. McCloud fumbles the punt! Cowboys have it! Lamb gets a first down. Dak gets lucky THAT one wasn't picked off a deflection. Here comes Maher for a 25-yarder. It's GOOD! McCloud returns the kickoff to midfield! Good job, both of them.
Unfortunately for the Niners, nothing comes of it. Purdy was bound to suck at some point. How did Lamb catch that? Then Warner runs with him and Dak can't hit Lamb. Fourth and 5 from the 49ers' 40. The Cowboys take a delay of game and punt. Weak. Kittle with an amazing one-handed juggling catch. Purdy goes down but there's a flag downfield. Defensive holding. Then Diggs drops an interception. Touchdown McCaffrey!
Turpin with a big return. He bumps into Gould and that's what brings him down. Lamb left uncovered. Tualoga NOT sacking Dak on that blitz is malpractice. Dak misses Lamb. Maher hits from 43. Kittle with another big play. Gould makes it 19-12 with 3:04 left. Greenlaw drops a pick. Gallup beat his man, but the throw was off target and he had to turn around. Then Dak gets sacked. Cowboys wasting time getting the punt unit on the field. Olsen's talking about this but doesn't mention that the Cowboys should have used a time out there. Also, why are they even punting? Mitchell gets the first down, but gets pushed out of bounds. Dak almost gets hit for a safety. LOL. Schultz gets knocked out of bounds but he went backwards, so the clock doesn't stop! Ten seconds. They're looking at this Schultz catch and he didn't get both feet down. Last gasp and the first guy gets PLASTERED. Wait, did Zeke snap the ball? What the hell was the plan here? (49ers 19, Cowboys 12)
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Thursday, February 9, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Trends 'Til The End

Purdy misses Deebo deep. Deebo's first carry gets 20. Field goal is good. Geno can't get away from Gipson and he's sacked. McCaffrey takes off for 66! Pas to Mitchell and he takes it to the 2. Purdy buys a couple of seconds until McCaffrey somehow gets wide open, and he finds him for an easy touchdown. Seahawks start to heat up. Lockett gets a good spot on this third down catch. Touchdown Walker and the Seahawks are on the board. Purdy finds Aiyuk near midfield. Then he throws deep for Aiyuk, who stops. He also missed a wide-open Deebo underneath. They end up kicking another field goal. Metcalf beats Chavarius Ward for a touchdown! Spacehog? Draw on third and 8? Really, Pete? They end up punting.
That's the kind of stuff that made me think they should have cleaned house and fired everyone after last season. Purdy finds Aiyuk for 30. Jackson breaks up a pass for Samuel in the end zone. Gould kick puts the 49ers back in front.
Geno slides at midfield and gets hit, moving the ball to the 49ers' 38. Joe Davis references the gift calls the NFL determined the Seahawks got last week. With one second left, Myers is going to try a 56-yarder. It's GOOD. 17-16 Seahawks at halftime. Deebo with a big catch, and then a Seahawk grabs his leg and twists. Deebo protests, some words are exchanged, and the officials eventually settle everyone down. McCaffrey to the 1. Purdy sneaks it in on second effort. The 49ers can't stop Metcalf, which makes sense when you consider that their secondary's been average at best for years. He just did it again. Geno does down and fumbles! Bosa has it for the 49ers. That's killer. Purdy finds Jennings downfield to open the fourth. Mitchell with a touchdown catch. That might do it. Seahawks punt. DEEBO!
Yeah, we're done here.
(49ers 41, Seahawks 23)

Uncle Al and Dungy on the call. Canisius has a football team? Jags get the ball first, but the Chargers get a pick off of a deflection! Ekeler scores on the Chargers' second play. This is the first time since 1999 that all three Florida teams made the playoffs. Jaguars decide to go for it and Lawrence gets picked off AGAIN! This time by Samuel. Doug's hot because Samuel should have been called for illegal contact.

Samuel with his second interception of the night! And Lawrence's third. This isn't going well. Ekeler cashes in again. 17-0 Chargers. Jags gain one yard and punt. Touchdown Gerald Everett and this game might already be over. Oh my God Samuel just picked off Lawrence AGAIN. He's basically channeling his dad.
It's all coming apart for the Jaguars — they force a punt, but the ball hits the top of a Jaguar's helmet and the Chargers fall on it at the 6.
Herbert misses Allen badly in the end zone. Jags are lucky to only give up a field goal there. Chargers fumble and the Jaguars recover. Touchdown Engram, so. 27-7 Chargers at halftime. Jags driving here? They get to third and 1 and then have a delay of game, but whatever would have happened probably wouldn't have worked because Lawrence bumped into a motioning Engram. Marvin Jones Jr. is all alone in the corner for a touchdown, finishing off an 89-yard drive. Chargers come back with a field goal. Touchdown Zay Jones on an apparent breakdown in the Chargers secondary!
They go for two and don't get it, and both teams are upset because they both thought holding calls were missed. Trayvon Walker with a late hit on Herbert after the play was over. Just not smart. Dicker MISSES from 40. Charges lose a challenge and the Jags keep possession. Touchdown Christian Kirk! Is it happening AGAIN?
Bosa is livid because he thinks the Chargers false started, and he throws his helmet on the sideline. The Chargers take that penalty here, and will go for two from the 1. Lawrence sneaks it and gets in! It's 30-28 with 5:54 left! Now the Chargers go three and out. Lawrence scrambles for nine. Fourth and 1 and they give it to Etienne on a SWEEP and he picks up 24!
The Jaguars run the clock down and the field goal is GOOD! There's a flag down, and the Chargers were offside. Because of course they were.
(Jaguars 31, Chargers 30)

The Bills pass on a 49-yard field goal so that Allen can miss Beasley, who cannot be the target in that situation under any circumstances. Skylar Thompson at quarterback again for the Dolphins, who go three and out. Diggs beats Howard deep. Touchdown Knox and I have no earthly idea how he caught that. Pick! Touchdown Cook and it's already 14-0 Bills. Dolphins finally get a first down. Hill with a bad drop. Then Waddle can't haul in a deep ball on third down thanks to White's defense. This is a catch by Davis, isn't it? The Bills finally throw the challenge flag after the refs take a day to make a call. Turns out it's a catch. Allen throws it over Shakir's head to Diggs on third and 2. Touchdown Knox and we may be done here 90 seconds into the second quarter. It's under review and this is close. Call REVERSED, and Allen gets sacked on the ensuing third and 8. Field goal is good. Dolphins get something going but a fake screen doesn't work, bringing up third and 16. Another drop. Sanders hits from 40. Xavien Howard picks off Allen, and then Allen decides to get into it with Christian Wilkins. It's Dolphins ball at the Bills' 48, but they only get two yards. They go for it on fourth and 8 and Thompson throws a short pass to Jeff Wilson, who gets the first down anyway. Edmunds lays Ahmed out, forcing an incompletion.

Dolphins get another field goal. Allen to Shakir for 54! Was he touched? Yeah, he was. And it might not even be a catch? That's big for the Dolphins, who will get the ball back with about 1:40 left. Cedrick Wilson returns the punt to midfield. They end up settling for a 37-yarder with 1:13 left, making it 17-9. Nantz: "Sanders on a 9-0 run." Beasley can't handle the throw and the Dolphins intercept it! Reverse doesn't work. Touchdown Gesicki! Two-point pass to Hill and we're... tied? Wow. Bills hit two deep balls to Davis and they're at the Dolphins' 20. The Bills want this Diggs catch reviewed and burn a time out. He didn't have control. Field goal puts the Bills up 20-17, but it feels like the Dolphins are winning after that horrible start. Also, that was a LONG first half. Allen is sacked and he fumbles! Dolphins pick it up and score to take the lead! OH NO SKYLER. Allen keeps it and bulls his way to the Dolphins' 5. Quick pass to Beasley and he ducks into the end zone. Beasley makes a dude miss and picks up 30 after the catch. Davis somehow stays inbounds and that's a touchdown. Two big plays from Ahmed (Jeff Wilson's got a calf strain now) and the Dolphins are at the Bills' 11. Wilson back in and gets two. Waddle finally catches a ball. Did he get in? No. Wilson does. 34-31 Bills with 10:53 left. Back-to-back insane time out usage here — the Dolphins call one to avoid a delay of game call and Thompson gets hit anyway, then the Bills cal one on fourth and six, but not before the Dolphins throw deep and miss Waddle. Now the Dolphins are punting. They've pushed the Giants-Vikings kickoff to 4:50 because this game refuses to end. That's a big-time leaping catch by Shakir on a pass that could have been intercepted otherwise. Bradley Chubb forces a fumble, and even though the Bills keep the ball, that'll end this drive. Dolphins have to use their last time out with 4:13 left. Waddle! Steratore correctly thinks this will count, as he made a "football" move before being hit out of bounds. Dolphins still struggling to get plays in, and now it'll turn a fourth and 1 into fourth and 6.
Thompson throws to Gesicki but it's broken up! He missed Hill over the middle. Elam's hurt after breaking up the pass. They gave Singletary a first down here? I don't think so. He never got to the sticks on the field, much less the line. WOW. That's a terrible spot and the Bills are going to win. Predictable scrape after the final kneeldown. I'm not pleased if I'm a Bills fan. (Bills 34, Dolphins 31)

The replay shows Jefferson's knee was down before the ball hit the pylon, so this touchdown's getting overturned. Cousins sneaks it in. Saquon KNIFING through the Vikings defense. Touchdown! Cousins gets devoured on a busted keeper. No one covers Slayton and he gets 47. Jones with a dart to Hodgins for a touchdown!

Vikings punt? Really? Of course they'd play a Replacements song into break. The Vikings can't stop the Jones runs; they can only sack him. Jones touchdown is called back by an illegal shift. Then Jones misses Hodgins. They end up kicking a field goal. Why did the Giants decline the holding penalty? Hockenson open again. (Or still, as Burkhardt reminds us that he caught 13 passes against the Giants in their first meeting.) Jefferson gets to the Giants' 9. Touchdown Osborn.
Another big play by Barkley. Touchdown Bellinger and the Vikings got completely fooled on that one, as Harrison Smith came down on a rush and no one covered Bellinger.
Cousins throws up a dying quail and he's lucky Julian Love dropped it. OMG Thielen! Nobody's playing pass defense. Irv Smith open in the end zone for a touchdown. Brieda breaks three tackles behind the line and just gets to the marker. Reagor fumbles the punt but the Vikings manage to hang on. A 12-play drive ends in a game-tying field goal. Great work by Hodgins on the sideline to stay inbounds. Giants hurry and Jones finds Slayton. Jones sneaks it from the Vikings 7 and gets the first down, which I don't mind considering what's passing for defense here. Touchdown Barkley! Giants facing fourth and 1 from their own 45 after Barkley gets stuffed. I'm punting this. But Daboll isn't. Sneak works because nobody knows how to stop it. Slayton DROPS it! Oh no! Now the Giants punt after losing five yards. Oh, I need more than that for a roughing call.
More Hockenson. Osborn drops it! Fourth and 8 and they go to Hockenson, but McKinney wraps him up and this won't even be close. Are we really throwing two-yard passes on fourth and EIGHT? This is literally why Diggs wanted to be traded.
So much for the Vikings' record in close games. And the under on their win total next year will be the biggest lock in the history of sports betting. (Giants 31, Vikings 24)

Apparently both Huntley and Brown are going to play quarterback for the Ravens tonight. That'll work. But the Bengals get the ball first. Perine getting run early. Higgins can't stay in the end zone, and he dropped the pass anyway. McPherson field goal opens the scoring. Huntley gets picked off! Yeah, he forced that. Chase gets in Peters' face after a catch. Then Peters throws a shot at Mixon after a tackle and gets caught and flagged. Touchdown Chase. McPherson misses the PAT. Sammy Watkins picks up a first down. Huntley finds Andrews at the Bengals' 11. Swing pass to Dobbins and he'll... score? The ball pops out at the end but the ref signaled touchdown. Was he down? Doesn't look like it, and once the ball breaks the plane, the play's over, so. We got a fumble and a SCRUM. Ravens ball! Huntley just did his best Lamar impression after a high snap, somehow corralling it ten yards behind the line of scrimmage and finding Josh Oliver for a first down. Apple's down and hurt. Justice Hill in the game, for some reason. Bengals defend it well inside the 5 and the Ravens are forced to go to Tucker. It's good with seven seconds left.
That's worth watching. Chase cuts back and Burrow finds him at the 18. He finds Hurst over the middle at the goal line. Is he in? Not sure. Refs say no. Burrow sneaks it in and the Ravens are offsides. Two-point try to Higgins fails but he was interfered with, so they do it again and it works the second time. Huntley somehow finds Dobbins, who makes a great move down the sideline. DeMarcus Robinson torches Apple and the Ravens tie it at 17. Big-time catch by Andrews. Huntley takes off for 34 and the Ravens are at the 3! He tries to go over the pile, but the ball gets knocked loose and Sam Hubbard picks it up. He's gonna go! AND he's got blockers! Andrews can't get him! TOUCHDOWN BENGALS!! Ninety-eight yards! The ball never broke the plane and that'll stand. 24-17 Bengals.
Huntley gets hit again and the ball flies away from him. Refs huddle and call it an incomplete pass. Ravens get the ball back and Huntley finds Andrews far more open than he should be. Sack! Blitz chases Burrow out of the pocket but he goes down inbounds, forcing a timeout. Bengals punt with 3:25 left. Good return! Hill's short on this catch and the Bengals are going to lose this challenge. Two minutes left. No sneak this time, instead Huntley keeps it and picks it up. Dobbins comes free over the middle and spins for a first down. Ravens still huddling with a minute left. Down to 33 seconds. Call time out! You have two! High ball for Andrews is broken up. Again: Why Hill here? Penalty is offensive holding. Huntley gets away but throws incomplete.
Did the Bengals just ice the Ravens on fourth and 20? Here's the throw to the end zone. It's into a crowd — and it falls incomplete. No. 3 on the Ravens had a shot at it. Harbaugh's pissed, but he's got only himself to blame.
So we've got Doug vs. Andy and a Bengals-Bills... can you call it a rematch? (Bengals 24, Ravens 17)

I have zero memory of Eric Dickerson on MNF. Lamb drops an easy one. Cowboys go three and out in thirteen seconds. Mike McCarthy, everybody! Then the Bucs do the same. Why is Tom Cruise here? Hulk Hogan's also here, as well as John Daly.
Pollard gains yards! Kudos. Vita Vea wrecks the whole line and gets to Prescott. This game is trash so far. Gallup! Nice ups on that catch and that's the first first down of the game. More Pollard. Touchdown Schultz. Extra point is no good. Now the Buccaneers start putting together a drive. Hey, Evans caught a pass! Flip toss to Godwin creates first and goal. Second quarter opens with Brady lobbing one into the end zone, but Kearse intercepts it!
Dak whiffs on a block. That was amusing. Offensive holding pushes them back. McGovern back in at fullback but Zeke gets stopped on third and goal. Prescott bootleg to the house. Maher misses AGAIN. What's going on there? That's not like him.
Buccaneers PUNT? OK then. Jason Peters, as usual, coming out of a game. Dak with another scramble and he gets 10 and into Bucs territory. He rolls left, gets no pressure, and finds Schultz for another touchdown. Maher misses AGAIN! Halftime here.
Pollard! How does Davis not intercept that? Buck's not sure Gallup was inbounds all the way there. We'd need a zoom of the overhead view to figure that out. They rule that Davis touched it first, so the touchdown stands.
Maher misses AGAIN!!! Good thing it won't matter.
Now Godwin fumbles and Malik Hooker picks it up and returns it inside the 20. Oh boy, the snap almost hit the ground. That actually could have been worse. Aikman thinks Godwin may have been down by contact. Out of commercial, the officials overturn the fumble, saying that Godwin was down. But they can't turn it into anything. Brady hits five straight completions. He finds Julio Jones down the sideline for a touchdown as the third quarter ends. They go for two but don't get it. 24-6. Touchdown Lamb! Did someone fall down? Oh, no, the Bucs just completely screwed up. Here comes Maher. It's GOOD!!! That's a hard 31. Brady almost got intercepted in the end zone again. Sack! 2:55 left and Gage is down after a shot to the neck. He's carted off after almost ten minutes. Bucs get a garbage time touchdown. Onside kick? Uh-oh. Bucs somehow recover it with two minutes left. OFF EVANS' FINGERTIPS. That sack should do it.
Me too.
(Cowboys 31, Buccaneers 14)
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