Friday, November 24, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Key Status

Dick Butkus's death was announced about 90 minutes ago. I'm not even kidding. The Bears... SCORE? On the opening drive? My God. Khalil Herbert breaks a big run. Bears add three more. Commanders doing absolutely nothing so far. Moore with another big catch. Fields gets away with intentional grounding. Touchdown Moore and it's 17-0. That's his second tonight. Howell throws up a deep ball that looks like it's getting intercepted, then goes through the receiver's hands instead. Slye puts the Commanders on the board. Howell gets picked off. Another good run by Herbert,who's averaging nine yards a carry. Touchdown Cole Kmet and this is a rout. 27-3 Bears with 26 seconds left in the half.

Touchdown Commanders? Sure. Logan Thomas gets dogpiled and the Bears rip the ball out of his hands. And Fields immediately gets sacked. Howell finds Antonio Gibson down the sideline. Howell avoids two sacks and gets 11 on third and 13, setting up... a field goal. Moore is cooking Emmanuel Forbes tonight. But he can't corral a third-down throw from Fields. Santos makes it 30-14. Howell finds Samuel on the run at the Bears 4, then finds him wide open in the back of the end zone. Two-point try fails miserably. This can't happen again, can it? Bears catch a break when this DPI flag is picked up. Howell finds McLaurin again on the next play. Pass goes through Gibson's hands and Slye misses right from 46. It was fourth and 15. TOUCHDOWN MOORE. Fuller tried to jump the route, whiffed, and that was that. Moore has 230 receiving yards tonight. Bears win for the first time in 15 games. (Bears 40, Commanders 20)

Turns out the Jaguars did spend the week. A sack fumble by AJ Espensa preserves the elevener at halftime, only it's 11-7 Jaguars.


Zay Jones fumbles and loses 15 yards before the ball rolls out of bounds, creating 4th and 29. Half of Allen's throws are too high for anyone. Still 11-7 after three. Lawrence fumbles again! Then Darius Williams gets his second interception in London in two weeks when he outjumps Diggs. That out to Ridley has been there all day. Jaguars should be running the ball more. Not like THAT. Bills keep losing defenders. Milano got carted off? I missed that, which explains a lot. Now Ed Oliver's down with cramps after a second straight Etienne run. Touchdown Etienne, who hits the Griddy afterwards. They went 93 yards. You kick this, right? Yeah. 18-7 with 7:44 left. Bills finally put together a drive. Not sure why you're running up the middle at this point with five minutes left down two scores. Josh Allen sacks Josh Allen, but their helmets collide and that's roughing. The quarterback is on his horse and finds Gabe Davis on the run for a touchdown. Eisen and Warner can't find the flag. Apparently there was OPI on Davis. So they go right back to him. This time the interference is on the defense and the touchdown counts. They go for two and Shakir's wide open, but Darius Williams comes flying in and stops him cold. 18-13 with 4:06 left. (It turns out the OPI was actually on Dalton Kincaid.) Lawrence goes deep for Ridley on third and 4 and he's got him for 32. Etienne goes left 35 yards for a touchdown and that'll do it, I think. Or not? Two big plays and the Bills are at the Jaguars' 3. Allen keeps it, gets stood up, but powers his way in. Onside kick gets some height, but Engram knocks it out of bounds. Don't field that punt! Luckily, the ball bounces out of bounds. Bills immediately try pitchy pitchy woo woo but there's nobody there. (Jaguars 25, Bills 20)

Signal Finder: BAL @ PIT, PHI @ LAR, KC @ MIN

"Chapter 59." More Justice Hill touchdowns. Brad Wing's back in the league after six years to replace the Steelers' injured punter. Bateman drops a touchdown on third down. Do the Steelers have a first down yet? They do now, thanks to Pickens. Steelers going up tempo, because they have to try something to wake this offense up. Pickett gets sacked by Arthur Maulet, who Eagle refers to as a former Steeler like anyone knows who he is. Hill fumbles and the Steelers recover at midfield. Boswell hits from 43. TJ plasters Lamar. Then Lamar finds Flowers for a first down with 54 seconds left. They pass up a field goal to go for it on 4th and 2, but Lamar gets flushed out of the pocket and overthrows Flowers. Davis says they should have called time out when the Steelers' defense shifted. Halftime. Steelers technically "win" this challenge and don't lose a time out because the fumble wasn't part of the initial call. But it's still first down Ravens. Sack is negated by a hold downfield. Agholor watches a deep ball go right through his hands. Promising Steelers drive ends with another sack. Steelers block the punt! That's probably a safety, and it is. That never had a chance. Warren's been so much better running the ball than Harris today it's not funny. He then loses two yards on first and goal. Pickens wants a flag on second down but doesn't get it. Boswell makes it 10-8. Steelers get a stop but fumble the punt return and it's Ravens ball! Announcers wonder if maybe his own teammate got run into him, knocking the ball free. Lamar makes a terrible throw and Joey Porter Jr. gets the pick in the end zone. Steelers now facing the bad end of TAFKA Heinz Field. But that won't matter because TOUCHDOWN GEORGE PICKENS! Two-point try fails and the Steelers are left with a hard 14. Highsmith forces a fumble and T.J. recovers!


Steelers taking knees even though the Ravens have two time outs. Mild "T.J. Watt" chant. Steelers kick a field goal with 52 seconds left, and Eagle notes that the penalty on third down stopped the clock. Watt sack ends it. A gross loss for the Ravens and an improbable win for the Steelers. (Steelers 17, Ravens 10)

A 102-yard pick six? How do you allow that?


Now Jones is out with a neck injury, which may be for the best, at least as far as today goes. (Dolphins 31, Giants 16)


This has been a beatdown. The Patriots may officially be bad. (Saints 34, Patriots 0)

It's weird getting the lead announce team in the late game of Regional Coverage. Lots of Eagles fans at SoFi. Goedert getting fed early. Hurts outruns a blitz, then keeps it and takes it to the Rams' 4. Touchdown Goedert as Hurts proverbially threads the needle. Kupp making his season debut today but it's Puka Nacua, who's come out of nowhere, who gets the first throw. There's Kupp on the second one. He gets another first down on third and 8. Eagles miss a sack but Stafford overthrows Nacua. Rams are going for it, and it's Kupp again. Slay or Bradberry is going to have to be on him at all times — that's too much to ask of the young kids. They go to Atwell and he's got a touchdown. Bad drop by A.J. Hurts overthrows Quez. Gainwell runs through a tackle and gets a first down after making himself Hurts's safety valve. Quarterback draw on third and 9? Sure, why not. Brotherly Shove on third down! Graphic shows the Eagles are 93% successful with it as opposed to everyone else at 81 percent.


Screen to Quez gets stuffed on third and 2. He probably should have cut inside. Field goal is good.

Two minute warning already? These 4:05 starts mess with my timing paradigms. There's Kupp again, and this one goes for 39. Nacua beats Bradberry for a touchdown. Hurts finds Brown for a big pickup, and that horse collar at the end will put the Eagles in the red zone. And now it'll be first and goal at the 1 as Brown gets interfered with. Rough last two plays for Kendrick. Burkhardt thinks it's shove time. They get it, going through like they're drilling for coal or something. Eagles lead 17-14 at halftime. Carter dumps Stafford for an 11-yard sack. Face mask gets called on Cunningham on a give-up run and I think the refs got that one wrong. Then they call intentional grounding for some reason. Big Goedert game. Hurts underthrows to the end zone and it's intercepted. Lamar did the same thing earlier. Nucua again, and Blankenship gets called for a horse collar. Morrow appears to get an interception off a deflection, but replay shows it hit the ground. Rams fumble, but they get it back, but it's fourth down. Eagles turn to the ground game. Hurts is such a tough, smart runner. Two guys who've been neutralized: Aaron Donald and Devonta Smith. Donald has never had a sack against the Eagles. Eagles are starting to get more pressure on Stafford. Reddick with back-to-back sacks to end it. Defense pitched a shutout in the second half. Proper. (Eagles 23, Rams 14)

It's the FIRST PLAY, Vikings! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL! Nice leaping catch by Gray. Touchdown Pacheco. Double corner blitz? OK, Chiefs. Vikings convert fourth and 5 by going to Jordan Addison. They get three out of it. Cousins misses Osborn in the end zone, throwing it right over his head. Field goal is good. Nantz and Romo rave about the stadium, then Chris Jones sacks Cousins. FAKE PUNT! They snap it to a side man, who hands it to the up man on a reverse! That's a new one. Touchdown Addison and the Vikings lead. Chiefs running their two-minute drill as Kelce hobbles off. Replay shows he just went down without being touched, which is rarely a good sign. Delay of game? Butker ties it at 13 as the half ends. Kelce back out to start the second half but his foot's wrapped in tape. Mahomes flicks it to Rice, who speeds into the end zone. Touchdown Kelce! Vikings come back with a touchdown catch by Addison. Vikings are out of time outs with nine minutes left. That won't come back to haunt them at ALL. Vikings driving again. Remember, they can't stop the clock. Flag comes down in the end zone and Sneed is stunned. Now the officials are discussing it, and they pick it up.


Steratore mentions "Catchability" which means that the pass being uncatchable — which this one was — is still a thing after all. (Chiefs 27, Vikings 20)

Russ gets caught from behind and fumbles! The Jets pick it up and that's gonna be a touchdown! Oh my God. Suck it, Payton.



(Jets 31, Broncos 21)

T.O. with a mini history lesson. Parsons was offside, negating a 49ers fumble and Cowboys recovery. You can trace Purdy's emergence directly to the acquisition of Christian McCaffrey. Lot of guys moving on this play and Purdy finds Kittle in the end zone. Nick Bosa gets to Dak. Warner forces a Pollard fumble, but did the 49ers recover inbounds? Why does NBC keep showing the same replay that doesn't show the actual recovery? Oh, there's a different angle. That looks clean. Call STANDS. 49ers ball. Then McCaffrey FUMBLES! Dak, if you have to pump fake twice, throw it away. DOUBLE REVERSE FLEA FLICKER. TOUCHDOWN KITTLE. It's so over.


Touchdown Turpin, who just outruns anyone who's covering him. McCaffrey runs tough, too. And there's his 14th straight game with a touchdown. Why is all the traffic on the Bay Bridge going in one direction? Oh man. Giants are reduced to having Thibodeaux in their "next week's preview" graphic. Warner chases Dak down and the Cowboys give up and head into halftime down 21-7. Hargrave stops a third down Cowboys run, forcing a field goal.

Offensive holding erases a big play to Aiyuk. Touchdown Kittle, his third of the night! Gipson picks off a Dak deep ball under pressure. Purdy's carving these dudes up. I think I may have been wrong about him. He finds Juzsczyk for a touchdown and it's 35-10 early in the fourth.
"
Dak throws to a covered Gallup, the pass is knocked away, and Warner comes up with the interception. Then Jordan Mason (Who?) runs free to the end zone. We're done here.

What do you mean, he's inactive? How do you not activate him for THIS game if only for the memes? At the very least, Dak should be out.

There's ANOTHER interception. Christ. (49ers 42, Cowboys 10)

Packers come out running without Aaron Jones. They line up to go for it but they can't draw the Raiders offside, so they take the five-yard delay of game penalty and punt. Anders Carlson (whose brother Daniel is the Raiders' kicker) puts the Packers on the board. Raiders try a running back pass with Jacobs but the Packers don't bite and Jacobs eats it. Garoppolo finds Meyers and he fights for a first down. They go to him again and he fights his way into the end zone. Love throws an interception which the Raiders turn into a Daniel Carlson field goal. The Raiders don't call time out after stopping the Packers on third down, for some reason. Meyers with a sliding catch, and that IS a catch. Garoppolo threads the needle to Meyers again. How that wasn't picked I'll never know. Now Savage is hurt.


Packers block Daniel Carlson's field goal to end the half. 10-3 Raiders. Where's Scott? Buck hosted Countdown and his wife Michelle Beisner's hosting halftime. Jack Eichel's here with the Stanley Cup. Hockey's back tomorrow night! What's with all the smoke? Rudy Ford picks off Garoppolo. Raiders can't tackle Dillon. All the way to the end zone. Garoppolo throws on the run and just misses a wide-open Michael Mayer.

Later, Love finds a wide-open Watson and he damn near scores. As it was, it went for 77 yards and then Marcus Peters did a horse-collar tackle on him. The Raiders hold them to a field goal. Good run by Jacobs. There's Adams finally. And there he is again to set up first and goal. Jacobs scores to open the fourth. Spillane gets his second interception of the night off a deflection by Marcus Peters. Watson wasn't anything close to open there. Garoppolo gets sacked on third and 3. He's not really helping matters. Someone on the Packers threw a block on a rusher that may have saved Love's life. The Packers don't have anything for Crosby. Raiders running clock. McDaniels chooses a 52-yard field goal, but it hits the upright and bounces out. This man doesn't know what he's doing. The only saving grace is that they're up four. Aikman: "Well, they'd better block 98." Buck: "That's your analysis?" Refs are looking at this catch by Patrick Taylor to see if he got a first down here. They overturn the call and give it to him. Don't know why the Packers are running the ball here with only one time out left. Love throws up a prayer and it's intercepted in the end zone! Oh boy. I don't know about this guy. (Raiders 17, Packers 13)

RANKINGS: TOP 4:
1. San Francisco (5-0) — A bit too easy, maybe
2. Philadelphia (5-0) — Marching on
3. Detroit (4-1) — Is this happening?
4. Kansas City (4-1) — Can't shake 'em
BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (1-4) — They... won?
30. New England (1-4) — Oh dear
31. N.Y. Giants (1-4) — Outrun by fish
32. Carolina (0-5) — This... was not their chance

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Sunday, November 5, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Swift Technique

The Packers put David Bakhtiari on IR like, eight hours ago. Goff with a miscue as Rudy Ford picks him off. He threw that late. Packers capitalize with a field goal. Goff finds LaPorta on a crossing route and he gets 30. Touchdown Lions. Might want to cover Amon-Ra next time. Oh, Douglas fell down. Not great. Goff stumbling forward. Touchdown David Montgomery. Love not looking great so far tonight.

Second quarter starts with the Lions in first and goal. I saw no hold there. Riley Patterson (wearing #36) makes it 17-3. Al refers to the "cockamamie Internet." Love throws high and he gets intercepted! Anzalone tipped it, actually, and it went right to Jacobs. Touchdown Montgomery. Packers fans cheering a false start. A Lions player jumps offside twice and the Packers get a first down. Crowd cheers that, too. They're down BAD tonight. Goff escapes and finds LaPorta, who had to go up and get it. Lions add a field goal and it's 27-3. "They look athletic." Really, Kirk? Halftime Hail Mary falls short.


Brian Branch gets helped off the field. Packers go for it on fourth and 9 and Doubs makes a falling catch at the Lions' 2. Now Barnes is hurt but he gets up and walks off. No one covers Watson and that's a touchdown. Packers go for two and get it. Love with the deep ball to Reed!

Love keeps it, but he's brought down before he can reach the end zone. Did they give him a touchdown? REALLY? BOTH his knees were down! That's a joke. Oh, that was the two-point attempt? Lions decide to start running the ball again. They run on third and 9 and get seven, and they were always going for it on fourth down, or at least acting like they would. Packers don't jump, and Patterson hits from 30 to make it 30-17. But Quay Walker's dumb ass got called on a running start to leap across the line on the kick, and it's an automatic first down for the Lions! Now it's fourth and goal at the 1. Now what? Lions are going for it. Touchdown Montgomery, his third of the night. Extra point makes it 34-17 and this feels over. Al notes that a lot of fans are still here, and says that some of the Packers fans are holdovers from the Milwaukee years and tickets still have preferred games. (There are also a not-small amount of Lions fans here.) Branch back in the game, a good sign. Now he's down again, a less good sign. Love throws another pick and that's that. (Lions 34, Packers 20)


This implies that Drake London was thrown a pass, which can't be true.

So are the Jaguars just going to stay in London this week? (Yes.) (Jaguars 23, Falcons 7)

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, LV @ LAC, NE @ DAL

That's the slowest 99-yard interception return I've ever seen. Then the Vikings get their own defensive touchdown. This game was over before 3:45.


(Vikings 21, Panthers 13)

Howell getting the ball out fast, especially to McLaurin, who's primed to cut the Eagles up like he always does. Eagles force a fourth and 1. Commanders give it to Robinson and he gets it. Commanders move early on third down. Then the Eagles get called for holding to create first and goal at the 4. Jet sweep to Curtis Samuel and he walks in. Eagles on the move here. That's a horse collar. Flag came out late but it still counts. Goedert picks up third and 6. Swift runs through a huge hole on the left side for a touchdown. 7-7 after dueling seven-minute drives. McLaurin inexplicably left wide open on third and 6. Big catch by Logan Thomas and Edmunds gets flagged for unnecessary roughness. Eagles finally get to Howell but Edmunds drops an interception. Robinson fumbles into the end zone, but McLaurin recovers it in the end zone, because of course he does. The slant to Brown remains unstoppable. Fourth and short. Davis calls it the "tush push" while Moose says he prefers "Brotherly Shove." (I side with Moose here.) It works, but Dickerson gets called offside, and the Eagles punt.



Hey, a sack! Chase Young gets past Mailata for a sack. Announcers note that he's missed most of the last two seasons,and that Sirianni's never coached against him. Hurts overthrows Smith. Donna Kelce's at the game with... Jake from State Farm? Davis says she's planning on going up to the MetLife HQ to see Travis tonight and calls it a "tailor-made trip." Howell overthrows McLaurin, who had Jobe beat. But then he finds Diyami Brown for 35, and the Eagles had no idea where he was, either. Bradberry gets called for DPI on a ball ten feet above everyone's head. Howell trips and goes down. Commanders settle for three. Hurts throws to Goedert is off-target and Emmanuel Forbes just misses a pick-six. Slant to Brown is a yard short, and they go for it. Hurts takes it left this time and picks it up. BIG catch by Smith! Booth reviews it and it (pretty obviously) stands. Elliott hits from 41 to end the half.

Sua Opeta replaces Cam Jurgens, who Pam reports has a foot injury. Covey in on offense? Perfect throw to A.J. for 28. Elliott makes it 17-13. That's not pass interference, either. Dotson has one go right through his hands. Kendall Fuller saves a big gain by Smith with a leg tackle. Hurts finds A.J., who follows his blockers and turns it into a 59-yuard touchdown! Hurts was roughed on the play, and the Eagles elect to take the penalty on the PAT and go for two. Gainwell gets it and it's 21-17 Eagles. Commanders use former quarterback Thomas to run their sneak on third and inches and it works. Slay shaken up. Howell gets away from Cox but not Morrow. Goedert with a diving catch after Kam Curl just misses the knockdown. Commanders can't get off the field. Eagles run it on third and 11 for... some reason, and Gainwell fumbles but Lane falls on it. Howell keeps running out of trouble. That hit might be late. It is, and it's costly, because he wouldn't have had the first down otherwise. Commanders try the Thomas sneak again but this time it gets stuffed. Refs call the illegal formation and not the false start, for some reason. Why'd they accept the penalty? Robinson scores and we're tied. Hurts evades a sack and gets to midfield. Refs rule that Crowder signaled for a fair catch at his own 6. Reddick's first sack is timely in his first game without the cast on his hand. Zaccheaus drops one but catches the next one. A.J.! Touchdown! But there's still 1:43 left, and A.J. got flagged for taunting afterward, so they'll be kicking off from the 20. Morrow with his THIRD sack today. Howell finds Diyami Brown on fourth and 2.

COVER McLAURIN YOU IDIOTS. Five seconds left. Howell throws incomplete to Samuel (who wasn't in the end zone anyway), but there's still one second left. Refs make it two. Touchdown Dotson as Jobe gets completely fooled. Commanders elect to tie it (???) and we're going to overtime.

Howell finds McLaurin but he can't stay inbounds. It goes to the booth. Call stands and the Commanders punt. Rare bad punt by Tress Way and the Eagles start at their own 41. Bubble screen to Smith comes up short. Now what? Sneak works! That was longer than usual. And I think Da'Ron Payne tried to go high and ended up gong over Hurts. Swift manages to stay inbounds and get a first down. Hurts gets called for intentional grounding on a miscommunication between him and A.J. that left Hurts throwing a long ball to nobody. They get nine yards back and here comes Elliott for a 54-yard try. It's GOOD! But it didn't need to be this way. (Eagles 34, Commanders 31, OT)

Um... Steelers? (Texans 30, Steelers 6)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-75)


Talk about a dude who bought his own hype. Like a one-man version of the PG/Hibbert Pacers. The Bears were up 28-7. What happened? (Broncos 31, Bears 28)


Also, Garoppolo just showed up in concussion protocol on, like, Thursday, so rookie Aiden O'Connell is starting at quarterback for the Raiders. This game is gonna SUCK. O'Connell with a rushing touchdown? What? Herbert throws into double coverage in the end zone and it's broken up. O'Connell fumbles! Chargers ball! Recent Chargers draft bust Jerry Tillery gets flagged for roughing. That won't help his status. They ejected him! Wow! Herbert to Allen for an easy touchdown and it's 17-7. NOW what? The Chargers suddenly have the ball again in the red zone? O'Connell fumbled on a sack? Wow. Fourth and goal at the 1 and Herbert dives for the touchdown. Mack gets two sacks to start the second half, and he's got four TODAY. Make it five. Raiders manage a field goal. Herbert with a bad throw and that gets picked. Mack's SIXTH sack of the game makes it 3rd and 35. Raiders punt on 4th and 30 instead of trying a 57-yard field goal. I dunno. At least they got the punt they wanted there. They force a three-and-out. O'Connell force-feeding Adams. Touchdown Jacobs! Raiders get the ball back with 3:30 left and this may be turning into a Chargering.

Great catch by Adams on the sideline. Interception! Asante Samuel Jr. baited the rookie and picked him off.

Though he probably shouldn't have slid down with so much time left. (Chargers 24, Raiders 17)

Where's Pollard? Rico Dowdle getting the work on this series. There he is, getting cut down on a sweep. Christian Gonzalez leaves the game with an in jury and Lamb immediately catches a touchdown over his replacement. 10-3 Cowboys. Zeke with a vintage carry. Mac finds Gesicki in a tight window. Juju gets 14 on third and 15. Patriots try the push and it doesn't work. Burkhardt: "The problem is nobody does this play as well as Philly does it."


Dak gets sandwiched. Jalen Tolbert buries the punt returner. Mac gets sacked — and the ball comes out! Vander Esch picks it up and scores. Then the Cowboys run a fake on the extra point and get two out of it. What's going on down there? Parsons into the blue tent with a leg issue. Ferguson gets flattened but hangs on for a 23-yard gain. Field goal makes it 21-3. And THAT'S why you're taught never to throw back across the field. Pick-six for Bland and it's 28-3.

Cowboys get the ball back and get to midfield, and McCarthy's clearly high on his own supply here trying a 66-yarder. False start puts an end to that foolishness. Things get chippy as the half ends.

Donovan Wilson pops Mac on a scramble, keeping him from a first down. And then Bland picks off Mac on fourth and 2! Pats hold them to a field goal, like it'll matter. Patriots aren't letting the Cowboys drive the stake in on offense, at least — they sack Dak on fourth and 3 to take over. Only to punt again. Mac's been pulled. The Patriots aren't good any more, you guys. (Cowboys 38, Patriots 3)

McCaffrey's going to beat the Cardinals all by himself, isn't he? Yeah, looks like it. Purdy only had one incompletion? (49ers 38, Cardinals 16)

Tirico: "She's here."


The intro is The Voice set and all about Taylor Swift because this game is going to be an absolute dud. Two straight catches by Kelce and no shots of Taylor's suite. DO YOUR JOB. Jets mange to hold them to a field goal, which is a glorious triumph. Pacheco breaks a tackle in the backfield and he's GONE. 48 yards! Cris highlights guard Trey Smith flattening Jordan Whitehead, who he mercifully does NOT name. Another big run by Pacheco along with two penalties on the Jets. Touchdown Noah Gray. 17-0. This Morstead punt landing at the 6 is the best play the Jets have so far. Wait, what? Jawaan Taylor gets called for a face mask in the end zone, giving the Jets a safety. Free kick goes into the end zone, which is rare. It looks like the officials got that one wrong — the grab was in the field of play — but McAuley says that the twist happened in the end zone. I don't know, and it probably won't matter.

Graphic shows how Wilson is much worse when he holds the ball for longer than 2.5 seconds. Lazard comes back to pull down a deep pass from Wilson. Field goal makes it 17-5. Ashton Davis (?) picks off Mahomes! Cobb with the extension to get the first down. Gipson on a reverse and it's first and goal. Touchdown C.J. Uzomah and this is, shockingly, a game.

Mosley drops what would have been another pick. Toney gets drilled. Butker makes a 37-yarder. Wait, the Jets' two Michael Carters went to Duke and Carolina? Legatron hits the upright and misses. Is Rodgers sitting in the bleachers? This time Mosley gets the interception! Eighteen seconds and two time outs. Hmmm. Zach takes off and gets to midfield. Half ends with a sack. Jets honor Joe Klecko at halftime. That's the second tough catch Tyler Conklin's made tonight. Jeremy Ruckert? This is the best football Zach Wilson's ever played. Touchdown Lazard. They go for two, Wilson keeps it, evades a sack, and gets there! We're somehow tied! Footage of Pacheco running interspersed with Marshawn Lynch, a comparison Tirico says Saleh made. Breece Hall takes off for 43 but the Jets can't do anything with it. Cris talking about how the Chiefs' big plays are gone with Hill and Mecole Hardman elsewhere (Hardman is actually on the Jets, but as Tirico pointed out earlier, he hasn't done much.) You could hear that pass get batted down. Encroachment? Sure. The hell of it is that Cris is 100 percent right about how taking off in the convertible with Travis after last week's game is the most freeing thing she's done in 20 years. Butker puts the Chiefs back in front with 10:30 left. Bad snap, Wilson fumbles, and it's Chiefs ball at midfield. One Mahomes scramble is called back for a penalty, but the subsequent one, a 25-yarder, stands. Chiefs now face third and 20 with Kelce catching his breath. Mahomes throws another interception but the Jets get called for holding, a call nobody seems to like. Pacheco picks up a key first down. Big game for him in his first pro game in New Jersey. (I believe it was mentioned last week that this is also Mahomes' first start in "New York".) Mahomes scrambles, gets the first down, and slides at the 2. Ball game. The Chiefs had the ball for the final six minutes or so.

(Chiefs 23, Jets 20)

This is a Manningcast game. Jamal Adams back. Peyton's already annoyed that Jones has passed up/missed two shots downfield. Giants run the sneak at the Seahawks' 27. It doesn't work!


Kenneth Murray was... not down? The graphic says touchdown as Murray rolled over a Giants defender, got up, kept running, stopped, then kept running to the end zone. Let's see. Yeah, his elbow hits the turf.

Peyton: "We talk about cheeks a lot." Call REVERSED and it turns into a two-yard loss. Adams headed to the locker room already? Giants muff this punt but retain possession. "This hasn't been a smooth game so far." Jones runs have been the Giants' best plays so far. Devon Witherspoon comes on a corner blitz and sacks Jones. Offsetting penalties on a Seahawks deep ball. Will Ferrell comes in early to compliment Peyton's acting, not just in his new film, but while demonstrating a play call earlier. Vintage Daniel Jones: gets sacked and fumbles. Seahawks ball at the Giants' 7. Geno rolls out and finds Metcalf for a touchdown, fulfilling Ferrell's prediction of a touchdown pass.

7-0 to end the first quarter. Why does Peyton have a Giants helmet? Now Ferrell's giving him plays. "Make it slippy." Brieda catches a wheel route but slips and is mad at himself afterwards. Will rates Eli's impression of him a 1.1, which is about right.

Geno's pass gets batted back to himself! He takes a two-yard loss. Thibodeaux (who Ferrell calls "the French kid") can't corral another deflection or he'd have had six. Now Geno's being looked at on the sideline after getting hit on that deflected pass. And the Giants have a new center at their own 1. Low snap but Jones salvages it and finds a first down. Witherspoon blows up what Eli thought was a double pass. He's been hitting people tonight. Gano makes a 55-yarder. Lock's still warming up, and he's coming in. Peyton: "I don't like seeing quarterbacks with action shots in the tunnel. That's the same room Rodgers went in." Noah Fant heads down the sideline and breaks several poor Giants tackles and... well, he'll be ruled down at the 2 after they look at this, but still.

Touchdown Murray and we've got more unpleasantries. Ty Woolen almost had a diving interception. This is a great punt. This Seahawks punt is also quite good, but the Giants ran into Dickson AND held on the back end, so the Seahawks keep the ball. There's a guy in an Eli jersey and a lucha mask and the girl next to him is rolling her eyes in disgust. Eli: "Is Taylor Swift at this game?" Peyton: "If she is, she left." Geno back out to start the third. He gets called for taunting? What? That flag should've been on the Giants for throwing Lockett out of bounds. They go for it inside the Giants 25 but Zach Charbonnet can't catch a rollout pass. Eli hates the call. "I feel like that's never open." Bobby Wagner sacks Jones. Jason Myers misses left from 53. Peyton wants the Giants to play Jalin Hyatt. Jones runs have been the Giants' best plays tonight. He's got them inside the 5. How are there still two minutes left in the third quarter? WITHERSPOON WITH A PICK SIX.


The Giants could be on their way to 1-8. Look at their schedule! Eli's center, Shaun O'Hara, joins the boys to start the fourth. Jones throws a long floater right to Quadray Diggs. There's only one problem. O'Hara talking about how he's been mistaken for Jeff Saturday on multiple occasions. How many sacks is that? (It ended up being 11.)

The brothers remember Dartmouth coach Buddy Teevens, who passed away last week, as Lock comes back in to finish this off.

(Seahawks 24, Giants 3)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. San Francisco (4-0) — The machine continues to churn
2. Philadelphia (4-0) — No smooth sailing this week
3. Buffalo (3-1) — An early statement
4. Detroit (3-1) — Another early statement
BOTTOM 4:
29. New England (1-3) — Haven't looked that bad in 35 years
30. N.Y. Giants (1-3) — Shouldn't they be better than this?
31. Chicago (0-4) — Everyone's taken a step back
32. Carolina (0-4) — This was their chance!

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Saturday, October 21, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Bouncearound

The 49ers are walking down the field here almost despite Purdy's inaccuracy. And that's without Aiyuk. Giants get three of their own. 49ers punting on 4th and 1 from midfield? Cowards. That's a good punt though. Bosa sacks Jones and he's ruled down at the 1. Deebo picks his way through a screen and picks up 30 on 3rd and 15. Touchdown 49ers. Javon Hargrave with a sack on third down. Rookie Ronnie Bell, who scored the touchdown, catches a deflection off a high pass by Purdy that Deebo couldn't handle.

That's roughing the passer? Whatever. Purdy gets bailed out again, as Kittle didn't have the first down. McCaffrey cashes in. Slayton with a basket catch on the sideline. Paris Campbell falls, forcing the Giants to use their last time out. Jones overthrows Hodgins. Gano drills a 57-yarder. This is close but I think it's fair catch interference. Touchdown Brieda! Way too early to go for two, Giants. It doesn't work.

That's an obvious illegal contact on Thibodeaux, bailing out Purdy again,. Daboll not happy with the refs after the 49ers kick a field goal to go up eight. Jones misses Waller deep. Uncalled contact, but that's is OPI on Waller if anything. Big pickup by Kittle to end the third. Deebo fights off eight tackles before going down, and he stays down. for a bit before getting up and walking off. Three plays later he's back in and that's a touchdown. We're done here. Especially after that interception that was tipped TWICE before Mufanga got it. Tyrod in for Jones's own protection.

Al: "Avoids a sack, one that a lot of people wanted to see him take, for, well, you know what I'm talking about." Actually, no, this time I don't. He's gotta be talking about a prop, right? (49ers 30, Giants 12)

Signal Finder: NE @ NYJ, NO @ GB, LAC @ MIN (end), IND @ BAL (end), DAL @ AZ

The wind's starting to pick up. Jets get the ball first. Jets audible right into an unblocked rusher. Romo: "That's a bad check." Nantz: "Most bad checks bounce back. That one did for a loss." Mac broke Romo's record for completions in the first two games of a season with 66. Patriots' kicker Chad Ryland wears No. 37 because why not. Patriots lead for the first time this season? Hall fumbles but manages to fall on it.


Mac finds Bourne with a laser beam. Defensive Michael Carter almost gets a pick off a deflection. I thought he had caught it, personally. This time Ryland misses from 48. It's a lot mistier at MetLife Headquarters than it was in the first quarter. Wilson immediately loses 12 on a sack. Then he pulls the string on a pass that falls incomplete (and may have been picked off if he threw it, and he seemed to realize that). Jets go three and out to boos.

Mac finds Pharaoh Brown, their third tight end, wide open down the seam, and that's six. Legatron gets the Jets on the board. That's two bad snaps on missed Patriots field goals. 10-3 Pats at halftime. Only thing happening in the third quarter is a bunch of procedure penalties on the Patriots' offensive line. Now the Jets are arguing on the sideline. And now we've got a scuffle after a Mac sneak. Lazard has the best two catches for the Jets today. The first red zone snap of the game comes with 6:40 left. Give Randall Cobb an Emmy or a Tony or something. Touchdown Jets. Fullback renaissance? Judon spins past Becton and gets the safety! Gipson gets 15 on the punt return after the two-minute warning. What was that checkdown, Zach? Dude can't see the field. (He missed Garrett Wilson on the play before that.) (Patriots 15, Jets 10)


I mean, Russell Wilson isn't responsible for this.

(Dolphins 70, Broncos 20)

The Packers do something truly stupid on fourth and 2 at midfield. Was that supposed to be a flea-flicker? Touchdown JIMMY GRAHAM? Shaheed returns the punt 76 yards for a touchdown! There was one gap that wasn't that big, and there were three Packers and no one else there, and he beat them all. 14-0 Saints. Carr throws up a desperation heave and Shaheed ends up playing defense. Multiple Taysom sightings as Vilma talks about how he's in basically every offensive position room during the weekly meetings. Field goal puts the Saints up 17-0 at the half. Then Love starts the second half by getting intercepted. Carr gets slammed to the turf and goes to the medical tent. Now he's headed back to the locker room and Winston is in at quarterback. Packers go for it and pass up a short field goal and this doesn't work either. Back-to-back interference penalties? Not great, Saints. Love eventually keeps it and scores. Packers go for two and get it! 17-11 with 6:58 left.

And that's why Jonathan Vilma's the worst color man in the NFL. Love takes off to the left and keeps going, staying in bounds and picking up 24. Touchdown Doubs! We're tied! Defender didn't see it until Doubs jumped, and then it was too late. PAT gives the Packers the lead with 2:56 left. The rookie Grupe on for a 46-yarder with 1:10 left. Wide right! Packers win after being absolute trash for three-plus quarters. This league. (Packers 18, Saints 17)

Brandon Staley, you absolute moron. You punt there every single time.


Pass to Addison is broken up in the end zone, but Jefferson's down on the other side of the field. There was an illegal contact flag on the guy defending him, then Jefferson took a weird step, started hobbling and went down. Now Hockenson's down after taking a shot. Jefferson back in — he cramped up is all. Vikings facing fourth and 5. Hockenson! Snap the ball! Hockenson can't handle it, it gets tipped twice, and intercepted!

Kenneth Murray just saved Brandon Staley's job, at least from me, 'cause I fire him immediately if they lose.

(Chargers 28, Vikings 24)

Lamar's carrying literally two-thirds of this Ravens team. (They're down seven starters.) Minshew pulled an Orlovsky, then Matt Gay tied the game for the Colts before Tucker missed a 61-yarder at the end of regulation. Is a woman calling this game? This has to be the first time ever, doesn't it? Let's see who it is. It's Beth Mowins. Ravens stuff the Colts on forth and 1 at midfield. Isaiah Likely drops the ball on third down. Ravens go for it on fourth and 3 because 65 is too much to ask even for Tucker. Incomplete and NO flag. Are we serious right now? Speed straight up tackled Flowers. Colts get it back with 3:21 left. Matt Gay from 53. It's GOOD! That's four 50-plus field goals in one game, a new record. The Ravens, who always have a grievance no matter the outcome of the game, actually have one this time. (Colts 22, Ravens 19, OT)

Cardinals with an early lead? Cowboys down their center and right guard. Hollywood draws a DPI flag on Bland, Travon Diggs's replacement. Did the Cowboys defense not scout Josh Dobbs? Touchdown James Conner. Cowboys jump offside on the PAT, so now they're going for two. They run it with Conner but get nothing. Xavien Collins comes unblocked and sacks Dak. That'll be a flag on Thompson, who grabbed Lamb twice. Big cheers for that as I'm sure this place is packed with Cowboys fans. Moose: "They're gonna forget about Hunter Luepke." I've never heard of him, sir. Cowboys need Gallup to be better than he was last year. Bad decision by Dak to try to throw it past Chris Barnes (he didn't). Field goal is good. Rondale Moore lines up at running back, gets behind the Cowboys defense and scores! Two-point pass is incomplete. Pollard with some nice runs. Cooks can't stay in the end zone. Touchdown... Rico Dowdle? Good screen to pick that up. Cowboys struggling against the run. Prater hits from 51 though it was almost blocked. Did dude come early? He may have — there's a flag. That's five yards, which is first down Cardinals. FOX has started doing a thing where they put a player in a yellow flash — they just did it to Parsons. Cards kick a shorter field goal to go up eight. Lamb gets hit with OPI. Prater hits from 62 to end the half.


Lamb finally gets open downfield. Dak escapes a sack and picks up third and 12.

But they stop the next one and force a field goal. Turpin with a big punt return, but the Cowboys get called for holding, which will put them inside their own 20. Gallup! Cardinals gag on third down again. McCarthy going for it on 4th and 4 from the Arizona 5. Dak gets flushed out of the pocket and throws incomplete. Parsons finally gets a sack as the third quarter ends. Cardinals predictably crumbling now. This rookie Clark is doing work on Lamb today. Aubrey makes it 21-16 with 9:33 left. That's Michael Wilson, a third-round rookie who just lit the Cowboys up for a NICE gain. Hollywood cashes in and it's 28-16 Cardinals.

They might not blow this! Kyzir White (so that's where he ended up) picks off Dak in the end zone! CLASSIC. There were three Cardinals there. The heck was Dak seeing?


(Cardinals 28, Cowboys 16)


Chiefs currently putting on a better show than she does.

(Chiefs 41, Bears 10)

The Steelers offensive line's PFF rankings seem... not good? Carrie in the house! It's the first time she's actually been at SNF, and they show her visiting the production truck. Garoppolo gets crushed barely after he hands it to Jacobs. FUMBLE? Automatic review correctly overturns it. This is close. Raiders go for it, and the run play action deep to Adams, who catches it for a touchdown! Peterson never saw the ball. The Steelers come back with a big play of their own, as Pickett hits Calvin Austin for 72! Kid ran away from Marcus Peters and outran Marcus Epps.


Jimmy G feeding Adams. Pressure forces Garoppolo into an interception to Levi Wallace. The Raiders should consider not letting Pickett break contain. He's done it twice in a row, and the first one was called back. McDaniels tells Melissa that Garoppolo will return in the second half. Lo and behold, he's back out there. He just tries to put Adams in the hospital with that one. Clean hit, and the refs pick up the flag. Boswell hits from 57! Peterson intercepts Garoppolo, who just threw that one up there. Graphic shows that breaks a tie with Harrison Smith for the most interceptions by an active player. Steelers stringing together some chunk plays. Pickett throws on the run and hits Freiermuth for a touchdown. Raiders looking at 2nd and 34. Nice work. That's a really good catch by Jakobi Meyers to stay inbounds. We finally get around to discussing the weird Chandler Jones situation, which nobody seems to know anything about, and Tirico says the Raiders aren't talking. Shot of T-Mobile Arena, for some reason, which spurs how the Aces and Golden Knights are their sports' reigning champions. Raiders on the move, but it feels too late. Are they calling this helmet to helmet on Fitzpatrick? Because I'm not seeing it. McAuley is also skeptical. Quick slant to Adams is a touchdown. There's another questionable flag on Chandon Sullivan on the two-point try. This time they run play action and Michael Mayer doesn't have anyone within a mile of him. 23-15. 5:41 left. Jacobs gets stopped after the Raiders were moving the ball through the air. The field goal team's coming out? Down eight? The kick's good, but there's a flag. The Raiders seem to think it's on the Steelers, and it's a leverage call. First down.

Meyers can't haul it in on third down and the Raiders send the kicking team out again???

Biggest fraud in the league. It's good, but the Raiders still might not get the ball back. Pickett flings it to Allen Robinson for a critical first down, and now the Raiders probably won't get the ball back. They do manage a stop. That's a good punt. MUFFED but the Raiders are lucky to get it back. Aaaand it's intercepted. (Steelers 23, Raiders 18)

Big-time punt return by Covey. Nice to see that. A run on third and 6? No one else would do this. Elliott hits from 36 after the drive bogs down in the red zone again. Rashaad White has moves. Mayfield with plenty of time. Buck brings up Mayfield's red zone interceptionless streak. Aikman: "Oh no." Good work by the rookie Sydney Brown to knock a touchdown away from Evans. McLaughlin ties it. Eagles pick up the blitz and Hurts finds Goedert. I hope Zaccheaus was inbounds. Touchdown Zaccheaus! Buck was right: "Time ran out." Is it raining there, too? It is. Blankenship with a diving interception. Sneak may not have worked? Never mind. Now they're reviewing it? Why is the booth reviewing spots? Call stands. Then Hurts throws a bad ball right to Devin White.


Cox and Carter team up on a sack. Then Carter forces a fumble and the Eagles get it back. The Buccaneers hadn't turned the ball over all season, and as Buck said, that's two in three snaps. Lane Johnson may have gotten away with a jump. They're reviewing whether A.J. Brown got out of bounds or not. They somehow reverse this? That's not enough to overturn that. It's not a HUGE deal, but it's the principle of the thing. Elliott hits from 38 to end the half. Swift could have driven a bus through that hole. 26 yards after a hurdle. Pass is too high for A.J. Sneak doesn't reach the end zone? Shocker. They run it again from about the half-yard line and it's good.

Another big run by Swift. If he cuts right at the end he probably scores. Hurts gets picked off again! That's a hell of a play. A.J. having a tough night. Safety! How are you offsides on a free kick? That adds five to another nice return by Covey.

Ridiculous catch by Evans. Godwin gets knocked out of bounds at the 1. Why are the Bucs in shotgun? Touchdown Evans on a ball that wasn't thrown all that well. Aikman also criticizes Evans for not running a flatter route. Two-point try is good and it's 25-11. Scorigami territory? Pitts saves a Gainwell touchdown. There's no reason to show that Ronde Barber highlight. Troy singles out A.J. one-on-one up top, and he breaks a tackle after the catch and gets 25 on third and 13. This is probably over. Slant to Brown and the Buccaneers won't get the ball back. Eagles Scorigami! They hadn't beaten Tampa in 10 years? What? (Eagles 25, Buccaneers 11)

Is Burrow playing or not? He is, as the Bengals get the ball first. They don't do much. Stafford keeps missing Kyren Williams. Burrow's limiting himself to short throws. Field goal is good. Stafford to... Tutu Atwell for 47. I swear, every Rams player on the outside — on both sides — is off the street. Rams kick another field goal to go ahead. Donald with a sack. Higgins with a drop. They're trying to get him involved but it's just not going well. Burrow's also been under a lot of pressure.


Stafford gets rushed into an interception. That is, if Logan Wilson caught it clean. He did! The Bengals have to do better than settle for long field goals — McPherson's tried from 48, 56 (which he missed) and 53, which he hits at halftime to tie this sad game at 6. Burrow's not limping, per se, but he's laboring to walk. Chase bails him out on third down, going behind his back to make the catch. Riddick notes that that was primed to be intercepted otherwise, and Orlovsky says Burrow threw it there on purpose. Mixon breaks through the hole and that's a touchdown. Crowd CHEERS. Chase! Higgins having a ROUGH night. Burrow gets picked off by Witherspoon! That was NUTS. Stafford gets pasted. All of McPherson's field goals have been 40-plus. This one's from 54 and makes it 19-9.

Trey Hendrickson's killing this dude. Stafford finally hits Puka deep. Touchdown Atwell but I fear it's too late. Onside kick goes how you'd expect. (Bengals 19, Rams 16)
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Thursday, October 12, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Traditions Upheld

It's Thursday night, and you know what that means. (Some truly terrible football coming your way.) Some Hall and Oates to open. This animation in the intro is cool. "Featuring Kaylee Hartung." Eagles get the ball first. Hurts escapes the rush on third and 4 and gets the first down. Hurts goes deep to Devonta! But again the offense gets bogged down in the red zone. Field goal is good. Jefferson with a big play, but he's stymied on the next snap. Cousins, under pressure, can't connect with Osborn. Covey fumbles the punt after getting spun around but the Eagles recover. Eagles lose contain on the return, but there's a fumble and they get it back! Swift finally does something. That's three straight carries. These tight end screens aren't getting any yards. Hurts throws long and gets picked off. Then Mattison fumbles! Christ.


A quarterback counter? Really? Elliott misses right from 55. Goodell here with Vick and Curtis Martin. Cousins finds Hockenson for the Vikings' first big play. Two plays later he breaks a tackle and scores. Eagles staying on the ground and it's working. Slant to Brown has never been stopped. Vikings call time out to prepare for the Hurts sneak and still can't stop it.

Jefferson converts a third down at midfield. I'll note that Maddox is also now out for the Eagles. Osborn wide open in the flat. Jefferson makes the catch, but loses the ball at around the 1. Al and Kirk wonder if this is actually a touchback. Terry McAuley thinks it is. This is a booth review.


Call REVERSED, as they rule the ball went over the pylon when Jefferson lost it. Eagles ball. The rule still sucks, by the way. Scott with a 21-yard run to midfield and the Eagles suddenly have a shot at more points. They look deep but it's not there. Elliott from 61. It's GOOD. 13-7 Eagles at halftime. Cousins FUMBLES and Cox gives the Eagles the ball at the Vikings' 7!

Swift to the goal line. Guess what happens next. 20-7 Eagles. Cunningham blows up a screen. Third and four and Hurt finds Smith for a touchdown! Herbstreit notes that Harrison Smith didn't drop deep on that play. Cousins uncorks a bomb to the rookie Jordan Addison, and he spins away from Jobe for a touchdown. The Eagles may not throw a pass again, except for four-yard hitches to Goedert. Rashaad Penny finally gets a carry! The Eagles get the Vikings to jump on third and 3! Hold on Penny cancels out an A.J. Brown touchdown. Hurts goes for Brown again but he can't bring it in. Akayleb Evans got away with one. Osborn drops a big gain. Udoh, who's replacing Darrishaw (who's been trying to play hurt tonight) is getting carted off. Jefferson having a much better game than last time. Osborn left wide open again, this time for a touchdown. 27-21 with 7:41 left.

Can't cover an 11 with a 98, Vikings. Swift! Eagles have rushed for 225 yards tonight. Then Swift cuts back inside for a touchdown. Most of Jefferson's big catches tonight have been against Goodrich, but he took the ball away from Slay there.

Another Vikings fumble, but it's taken off the board by an offsides call. Touchdown Hockenson with 1:10 left. Eagles recover the onside kick, ensuring that the Vikings will fall to 0-2 in one-score game after going 9-0 last year. Though it does ALSO secure the backdoor cover, for those of you interested in such things. Cousins can't throw it that far. I'm not sure anyone can. (Eagles 34, Vikings 28)

Signal Finder: KC @ JAX, GB @ ATL, NYJ @ DAL, WSH @ DEN (end)

The signs of success: This is the Chiefs' only 1 p.m. kickoff this season, and it probably wouldn't be most other weeks. Mahomes gets hit and Donovan Smith ends up catching the ball. Donovan Smith is the starting left tackle. Charles Davis is wondering why the Chiefs even threw on third and a foot.


Jaguars struggling to snap the ball properly. Ridley drops a long ball but there's a flag, and it's on Snead for interference. Jags get three out of it. This is a fumble and Jaguars ball. Then Kelce gets hit with an unsportsmanlike conduct call afterwards. Are we really not going to show this review? That might be a lateral and a turnover. It is! Chiefs ball! Then Mahomes almost fumbles it away on the next play. THEN he throws deep and Sisco makes a leaping interception! Agnew gets a first down by about two inches. Pederson going for it on 4th and 5, or is he? They call time out. They go for it but Chris Jones sacks Lawrence.

Touchdown Moore, already a massive improvement over last week.

Calvin Ridley back? Flag on the Chiefs and it'll stand. It sets up ex-Bronco Brandon McManus for a 49-yarder, and he hits. Big run by Pacheco to start the second half. How does Kelce get that open? Iain: "Kelce finds a blank space for the score!" Come on, man. Chris Jones highlights montage. Eagle wonders if they were rope-a-doped on Jones being on a snap count. Davis says he thinks Jones is winning the discussions on the sideline about it. Lawrence goes deep to Kirk. Engram never tried this hard as a Giant. Zay Jones with a nice over-the-shoulder grab but he can't stay in the end zone. DPI gives the Jags first and goal at the 1.

Nobody buys the fake on this Lawrence bootleg. Run the ball, Doug. Jesus. Field goal squeaks through. McKinnon gets pulled down just short of the marker but the announcers seem to think he made it? Even forward progress doesn't get him there. Yeah, he's short, but the Chiefs pick it up on fourth and short. Chiefs moving backwards. Moore slips past the defense and that's that. (Chiefs 17, Jaguars 9)

Geno turned back into Geno at the end of regulation, then shredded the Lions in overtime. Lot of regression here. (Seahawks 37, Lions 31, OT)

Likewise, the winner of the "Who's going to screw up the end of this game worse, the Chargers or Mike Vrabel" contest ended up being the Chargers. (Titans 27, Chargers 24, OT)

No Aaron Jones, no Watson, and no Bahktiari for the Packers. Not great. Why is Mack Hollins a starter? (For the Falcons.) So many flags. How did Jonnu Smith catch that? Falcons are giving Ridder a lot of short passes, not letting him hold on to the ball. Smart. Four tight ends? OK. See now they're trying to get cute. Two passes from the 2-yard line? Just give the ball to Bijan. Well, that didn't work either. That entire sequence sucked. They go for it — and false start. HOT MIC! Falcons stuck settling for a field goal. Big spot here on a Dillon run. Packers challenge and it's successful. Touchdown Jayden Reed, who stepped on the pylon. Falcons get a fourth and 1 on a toss to Bijan. Touchdown London! 10-9 Pack at the half. Someone named Octavian Wicks has a touchdown catch for the Packers.


Another PI call against the Falcons. And now Reed has another touchdown. FLEA FLICKER to Hollins! Fourth and 4 and Ridder takes it in himself. 24-19. Not smart leaving Bijan open like that. Fourth and 7 with 8:17 left? Falcons kick it, which is probably the right move. Packers not only fail to get the Falcons to jump, but they jump themselves. Ridder scramble is ruled short. Falcons challenge. Still short. They go for it and GET it! Vilma thinks Bijan got this first down. Shockingly, he's right. Then this gets reviewed and they say he didn't. I didn't think he did, either. Falcons call time out before sending Koo out for a 25-yarder. It's GOOD with 1:01 left. Love gets plastered. Was this even caught? Dean Blandino doesn't seem to think so. Incomplete! Falcons win in spite of themselves. (Falcons 25, Packers 24)

So did Burrow come back too soon from his leg injury in camp, or is he just bad right now? (Ravens 27, Bengals 24)

Big catch by Lamb. Dak runs past the blitz and gets upended at the Jets' 5. Touchdown Ferguson, the first opening-drive touchdown the Jets have allowed in their last 15 games. Jets run a fake punt with a direct snap to the up man and it works. Quarterback sneak doesn't work, which allows Romo a chance to contrast it with the Eagles' sneaks and talk about how not every team uses the subtleties the Eagles have. 10-0 Cowboys in the second after a field goal by Aubrey. The Jets can't sustain anything offensively. Wilson to Wilson touchdown! Lamb with a great job holding on to this catch after getting hit in midair. Oh man, that's a pick-six for Sauce if he holds on. Deuce Vaughn making moves. Dak gets taken down. That's not pass interference. Touchdown Luke Schoonmaker. OK then. The Jets held AND roughed Dak on that play. Nice work, guys. They're going for two? Weird. It works, though. The Zach Wilson scramble has become the Jets' best play in the two-minute drill. Replay on the third-down incompletion shows DeMarcus Lawrence got his hands on that pass, making it come out wobbly. Jets get a field goal and trail 18-10 at halftime. Pollard breaks one off. Cowboys have two guys open on third and goal and don't score. Good stand by the Jets.


Yeah, there's a reason the Jets traded for Aaron Rodgers. And I would have sent Zach Wilson out in that trade. There was no reason to keep him around. (Cowboys 30, Jets 10)


Like, if the Giants lose today, they could be staring at 0-6 and a home game against Washington that they may not be favored in. The Giants score! The Giants KEEP scoring!

The Giants LEAD! But Barkley's hurt. Oh boy. (Giants 31, Cardinals 28)

What happened, Broncos defense? It was 21-3! Broncos taking their sweet time down two scores. Now their offensive line can't block. Wil Lutz in for a field goal with 1:50 left. (I didn't realize McManus had left Denver when the Broncos traded for Lutz.) Wilson throws up a Hail Mary but it'll be short. KNOCK IT DOWN! TOUCHDOWN BRONCOS! Two-point try is INCOMPLETE. Sutton wanted a flag and probably could have gotten it.



Are we sure it's Russ who's washed? (Commanders 35, Broncos 33)

Wait. Was Carrie trying to play drums last week? I'm very interested to see how this Dolphins defense functions without Jalen Ramsey, who got hurt in preseason and will miss the year. Marcus Jones is down for the Patriots, and he's replacing Jonathan Jones. Patriots hold the Dolphins to a field goal, like last week. Tirico tells us that there was a $250 million renovation at Gillette Stadium, to enclose it and put in that big new video scoreboard you're looking at. Eli Apple committing a stupid penalty? That's never happened before. Mac takes a shot deep but Bourne can't bring it in. FUMBLE. Dolphins ball! That dude's benched for the rest of the game. Waddle slips through some blockers and only doesn't score because he tripped over his own feet. Then he gets hit late and pops up in the defender's face. Marcus Jones is down again. In fact, Jones got hurt trying to stop Waddle, whose foot hit him in the head. Mostert goes left and scores. Dolphins challenging this incompletion, saying it's actually a fumble. Call STANDS. Pats are held to three. Tua's placing the ball well on this drive. But THAT one was a great play by Brandon Berrios between two defenders. He's ruled inbounds, which will cost the Dolphins a 10-second runoff. Quick pass to Tyreek for a touchdown. Tua was 7-for-7 on that drive. Dolphins have started to attack downfield more with all the injuries in the Patriots' secondary. Oh, this kick's getting blocked! Dude ran in from out wide and came in untouched (and almost unseen.)


Belichick challenging a spot? He's lost it. LOL at him angrily spiking the challenge flag. He's also (predictably) lost this challenge. Did Xavien Howard intercept this and stay inbounds? He did! Dolphins lead 17-3 after 3. Touchdown Henry and it's 17-10. Cris points out on the replay that all sorts of illegal things happened here, including Henry catching the pass after blocking someone. Tua corrals a high snap and hands it to Mostert, who salvages positive yardage. Leaping interception by the rookie Christian Gonzalez! Patriots ball! But the Dolphins force a three and out. Mostert! Touchdown! Another penalty on Apple. Cris says that's one of those penalties where "you just ask: Why?" proving he's clearly new to Eli Apple. Parker caught that? Huh. Juju gets shoved out of the end zone onto the field before making this catch. Touchdown Stevenson and it's a one-touchdown game with 5:25 left. Belichick does NOT like this personal foul call that sees Waddle knocked to the ground. But it's a helmet-to-helmet hit with no illusion of playing the ball, which is what Belichick claimed. The Dolphins have had some bad snaps tonight. Sanders from 55, but he's not good from 50-plus. He misses left. Mac finds Bourne near midfield. Chubb with a sack! Gesicki gets 14 on third and 18. They throw it to Gesicki, who gets stopped short, but he laterals it to a lineman, who might have gotten it? They're reviewing this. Tirico invokes the Dan Connolly kickoff return. They call him short.


Gesicki slams his helmet in disgust. And that's how the game ends! (Dolphins 24, Patriots 17)

It's a little weird that they put Fowler with Orlovsky and Riddick in the booth, but maybe it's just because Bryce Young's playing and Fowler's seen him more than the other guys. Shaq Thompson's probably the second-best player left on the Panthers. He's not a guy they can lose. I remain stunned that Michael Thomas is still a Saint. Saints gotta challenge this — Thomas caught that. Oh, the refs changed it? OK then. Carr and Tony Jones can't connect on third down. Saints go up 6-3 on another field goal. Carr makes another bad decision and this one leads to a Vonn Bell pick. Did Riddick call them the "Carolina Saints"? Now Young gets hit and he fumbles. And the Saints again can't capitalize. 6-3 Saints at halftime.


Van Pelt recaps the foolishness in Browns-Steelers. Fowler: "Thanks for sorting that out, Scott." Saints are buried in their own end. Panthers move on fourth and 1, making it fourth and 6. Piniero hits a 54-yarder to tie the game at 6. Juggling catch by Olave on the run. Touchdown! Jones! Wait, Johnny Hekker's in Carolina? Long drive ends with the Panthers losing four on third down and kicking a field goal with 5:30 left. Carr finds Shaheed deep. Olave on the move! He scores but this might come back? They ruled he stepped out of bounds at the 7. Touchdown Jones and that'll ice it. Young finds fellow rook Jonathan Mingo inside the 10. Thielen with a late touchdown. Young does everything wrong on this two-point try (rolls straight, throws across his body, AND into traffic) and Thielen still catches it. Onside kick fails, because of course it does. (Saints 20, Panthers 17)

Chris Stapleton and Snoop? OK then. And we start with a pick-six by Alex Highsmith! The Browns are BACK, ladies and gentlemen! It went off Harrison Bryant's hands, Fitzpatrick got it, the Bryant ran into HIM and knocked the ball out, but it went right to Highsmith. Browns come back with an actual drive but Joey Porter Jr. ends it with a pass breakup. Field goal is good. Now Grant Delpit intercepts Pickett! Watson gets sacked. Hopkins MISSES from 43 and the Browns get nothing out of it. Steelers don't do much, either. This Elijah Moore play is correctly ruled incomplete. Watson keeps and gets it, but Tomlin challenges it after the break because the ball came out, and even though the Browns got it back, was it across the line of gain when that happened?


Wait, they're saying the Steelers recovered it? Buck: "We're going back in time," as they go back to the first quarter by putting 22 seconds on the clock. Then the Steelers false start. Quite the exhibition here tonight. FUMBLE! Browns ball! FUMBLE! Did Olzewski even catch this? Delpit's on it again. Now HE fumbles, another Browns player tries to pick it up, and then the ball goes out of bounds. Aikman's not convinced the ball was caught in the first place. Call stands. Buck: "I'm being told this is definitely the end of the first quarter." Fitzpatrick's down for the Steelers. And Chubb's down for the Browns. Oh man — Fitzpatrick ran right into Chubb's knee. The cart's out and Chubb goes off to applause.

Game resumes and Watson finds Jerome Ford for a touchdown. They go for two (?) and get it (.) Jaylin Warren wheel route gets 30. Steelers get a field goal out of it. Pickens! 71 yards untouched. Pickett gets up slowly after taking a hit. The Browns jump on the PAT attempt, and the Steelers then decide to go for two (which they probably should have done originally.) Does the Holy Roller rule apply on two-point attempts? That's a yes. 16-11 Steelers. Steelers lobby for a flag on this Browns punt and get it. Aikman doesn't think the guy ever saw the fair catch signal. Hopkins drills one from 55. 16-14 Steelers at halftime. Boswell makes a 50-yarder after a shady snap. Ford takes a counter to the left side, gets a block from Watson, and goes 70 yards — but he stumbles and is ruled down at the 1, which he was. That's a STUFF. Pierre Strong Jr. punches it in. They get two after Watson gets flushed from the pocket. Watson overthrows Goodwin and Levi Wallace watches an interception go through his hands. Then Watson gets flagged for a face mask. You don't see that every day. Najee Harris finally waking up. Tomlin's about to lose this challenge on this Cooper catch. Dawand Jones, the Browns fourth-round rookie tackle filling in for Jack Conklin, is a massive human being. Njoku fumbles and it's Steelers ball! Pickett gets sacked by Takitaki. Watson hit and fumbles! Touchdown Watt! This is the best terrible game of all time. Ford's having a night. Whose dumb idea was that Pickett keeper?

Is Watson washed? He was bad after his comeback last season, he wasn't great last week, and he made some terrible mistakes tonight.

(Steelers 26, Browns 22)
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