Sunday, December 11, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Winging It

Broadcast opens with a short Madden tribute. Reminder that the Bills already played on this field on Sunday. Romo notes the crowd pop when the Bills' offense comes out after a Lions three and out. For some reason, Nantz notes that the Lions are one and a half games out of the final wildcard spot. Chark for a first down. Amon-Ra picks up another one. Ball's at the Bills' 8. Lions go for it from the 5. Goff sneaks it himself. Flag? Bills were offsides. Touchdown Jamaal Williams, his 13th(!) The Lions sent an offensive lineman in motion on that run. Allen finds Davis in traffic. He throws a rainbow ball that McKenzie pulls out of the air for a touchdown. We're tied at 7. Williams fumbles near midfield and Ed Oliver recovers for the Bills. Singletary finds a hole and gets 20 to the Lions' 10 after Nantz relays the story of Allen calling him his favorite teammate ever. He gets stuffed on 2nd and 2, but Allen scores himself on the next play after almost fumbling the snap. Lions go for it from their own 33 and get it, then catch the Bills with 12 men on the field.

Touchdown Swift. Wait, what? No? Touchdown Amon-Ra on a sharp route.

Von Miller being carted to the locker room now. Tracy reports that he's out for the game with a knee injury. Allen lofts one to a wide-open McKenzie. Third-down sack sets up a field goal, which is good. 17-14 Bills at halftime. The acoustics at Ford Field are always terrible for these. Bebe Rexha appears to be on the other side of The Weeknd's tunnel cube. Is this a ripoff of "Blue"?

Romo really riding "These aren't the same old Lions." Davis drops a touchdown pass. Throw is behind Diggs and that flag may be why. Yeah, it's DPI. Jacobs is still upset about that penalty. Anzalone picks off Allen!

Lions currently losing yardage. Oliver gets Goff in the end zone for a safety and these apparently are the same old Lions after all. (Meanwhile, UNC can't shake... Portland?) Diggs trips and falls on third down, ending this Bills series. That's an easy interference call. Fourth quarter begins with the Lions on a first and goal. Goff finds Chark in the back of the end zone! Swift converts the two-point try. Davis comes back with a diving catch for a first down. Lions defense reverting to form on this drive, which has taken almost six minutes. Diggs scores on a crossing route. Bass MISSES the extra point! Swift dodges a Milano tackle to salvage a screen play that was doomed otherwise.

Badgley field goal BARELY sneaks through. That looked like Brett Maher's first 60-yarder last week.


DIGGS! Lions defense stays failing. Allen flops forward about three yards. Here comes Bass. He hooks this one right but it stays in! They were, in fact, the same old Lions. (Bills 28, Lions 25)

Oh boy, Dak. OH BOY.


The Cowboys get it right back, though. Zeke takes off for 22. Dak finds Lamb at the Giants' 6. Touchdown Zeke. Giants picking at the Cowboys' defense. Slayton! Is that a touchdown? No, it's not, he's out at the 1. Touchdown Barkley.

Dak gets intercepted again, this time by Love. Then Donovan Wilson picks off Jones, but it's coming back. The Giants are gonna get points out of this, if you can believe it. 13-7 at halftime and here are the Jonas Brothers. Three of these songs I didn't realize were by them. I'm so old. Cowboys get the second half kickoff. Giants suddenly can't stop the run. Touchdown Schultz. Giants go for it on fourth and 1 but Jones misses Barkley. Cowboys take over. LAMB!! Not quite as spectacular as the original Beckham catch, but he was also being interfered with. Schultz finishes the drive off with his second straight touchdown and this feels over. I'm not sure what was more impressive: the hurdle or the spear at the end. The Giants' defense just blew a 2nd and 23 in two plays. That's not a touchdown. His second foot never touches down. (Sorry.)

Wait, what? OH. Call STANDS.

Touchdown Hendershot and all the tight ends jump into the Salvation Army pot.

Welp. (Cowboys 28, Giants 20)

Egg Bowl refs got a spot wrong by 10 yards. Then they did this on a play they blew dead:


Now the Ole Miss fans are throwing cans into the end zone. FUMBLE!!! Ole Miss recovers! They just went 99 yards for a touchdown and Lane Kiffin's burned two timeouts trying to go for two. Pass is ruled incomplete. They're gonna lose, and Kiffin's gonna be pissed when he holds his introductory press conference at Auburn next week. (Mississippi State 24, Ole Miss 22)

This intro with John Randle and some kids is pretty good. Cris got the night off, so Dungy and Jason Garrett are filling in in the booth with Tirico. O'Connell was a third-string quarterback in New England as a rookie. Didn't know that. Suni Lee leading the "SKOL" chant and blowing the horn.


Thielen finds space in the middle of the field. Jefferson beats his man and pulls in a touchdown. Whoa! Rare big play from the Patriots becomes a touchdown for Agholor! That's the first first-quarter touchdown of the season for the Patriots, which is why they aren't good anymore. Jonathan Jones picks off Cousins, who overthrew it under pressure. (The Patriots have about six guys named Jones, and they don't do a first initial on the back for any of them. It's strange. Did the NFL outlaw that? Because nobody does it any more. Also all of their first names seem to begin with either J or M.) Vikings get a big stop and the Patriots kick a field goal. More Jefferson, Vikings throw one to Cook for good measure. A nice Jefferson catch is called back because of offensive holding. 30-yard field goal ties it. Marcus Jones returns this kickoff to midfield. Tirico mistook a mouthpiece for a penalty flag. Patriots pass on going for fourth and 1 from the Vikings' 31 for a 46-yard field goal, which Folk makes. Guess who. Hockenson catch gets marked just short of the sticks. Oh, they gave him the first down. Cook takes it to the goal line. Vikings fake it to Cook and Hockenson goes wide for a touchdown. PAT is no good! That'll be important. Devante Parker finally showing up. Mac... slides? For no gain? Don't like that. Mac finds Agholor over the middle inside the 10, and they spike it with eight seconds left. They'll run a play here. Mac can't believe there wasn't a flag. Neither can I, really. Folk ties it. Is this Parker's best game of the season? He's caught four balls already. Hunter Henry open in space, makes a move (!) and kind of rumbles into the end zone. Not the most graceful touchdown you'll ever see. Uh-oh. UH-OH.This is Kene Ngwangwu with a 97-yard kickoff return touchdown! Nobody even came close to touching him. There's no way Belichick — who Dungy notes got started as a special teams coach — is happy about THAT. Damn, Parker's playing like it's a contract year. Henry with a spinning catch while being tackled. Announcers aren't sure he maintained control? I mean, he basically did? Call REVERSED. Man, I don't know.

Folk kicks it through. Reagor with his eighth career catch. I'm kidding. MOSTLY. Joseph ties it at 26. The turducken is IN THE BOOTH. This is NOT a drill. Dungy: "I've never seen one or held one, but it smells GREAT." That running into the kicker penalty will give the Vikings a first down. Garrett disagrees with Terry McAuley on this Vikings false start call. (They got it wrong; the Patriots moved first.) Tirico: "That's not the first time that conversation's happened." That's another ridiculous catch by Jefferson. Thielen wide open in the end zone. Now the Patriots have shanked a punt. (The refs also missed a face mask on Mac.) Stevenson gets some blocks on a screen pass and finds his way to 48 yards. Well, that was suboptimal. Patriots facing a 4th and 16. Mac throws it deep but Agholor can't get to it.

Dungy thinks the Vikings should punt out of bounds here. They don't, and it's a deep kick. Did he field that at the 1? Come on, man. Then he got lucky he was down because the ball came out at the end. We're done here. This offense can't go 89 in 37 seconds with no time outs. Jones gets sacked. Yeah. Every turkey leg served today has been ice cold. Peterson grabbed one before the interview? LOL. Melissa's herding cats down there. Thielen: "It's a little dry." (Vikings 33, Patriots 26)

Signal Finder: ATL @ WSH, CIN @ TEN, TB @ CLE (end), BAL @ JAX (end), LAR @ KC

Not sure how the Bengals win this game without Chase and Mixon, but we'll see. In a strange scheduling quirk, three AFC North teams are on the road against three AFC South teams this week. (The exception is the Browns, who are hosting Tampa.)


After a scoreless first, field goal is good and the Titans lead. Maybe that's how the Bengals win. Hayden Hurst open down the seam. McPherson ties it. Henry takes off with this short pass from Tannehill. He's STILL going. Fumble! Treylon Burks falls on it in the end zone for a Titans touchdown! That's the first of his career. Samaje Perine with a big catch and run out of the backfield. Hurst again. Burrow takes off for 13. Touchdown Perine. Hey, a Robert Woods sighting! Hooper with a drop, but it's fine because he wouldn't have gotten out of bounds and the Titans have no time outs left. Field goal goes wide right. Titans lose this challenge, Touchdown Higgins! Mike Hilton detonates Henry. Eagle: "He brought the entire hotel." Bengals hold the Titans to three. Four minutes left. Big catch by Higgins leads to a McPherson field goal with 1:57 left, but during the kick, the Titans get called for a hit on a defenseless player and this game just ended! How? The Titans can't stop the clock, so the Bengals take the penalty instead of the points and that's IT. And the answer to "how the Bengals win this game without Chase and Mixon" is, as we probably should have suspected, "The Titans utterly botch the end of the game." (Bengals 20, Titans 16)


Contract this franchise. Wrong helmet, Nike jersey, Reebok pants. Little rain in... wherever the Commanders stadium is. Falcons manage a field goal. Heinecke looking for McLaurin early, as he should. Diyami Brown? Really? Brian Robinson catches a swing pass, knocks a defender down, and powers into the end zone. Heinecke tries to flip the ball away under pressure and there's a scramble for it. The discussion is if it was a forward pass or not. It is, but just barely. (It's incomplete.) Drake London saves a bad low throw by Mariota on second and long. Patterson gets the first down. Add a face mask to that. Mycole Pruitt is ridiculously wide open for a touchdown. How does a defensive lineman end up on McLaurin, Falcons? Heinecke throws too high (and, as Schlereth notes, a little late) for John Bates, who can't get his feet down before being knocked out of the end zone. We reach the two minute warning. Slye field goal ties it at 10. Falcons run Patterson into the line on fourth and short and it's not even close. Commanders take over with 24 seconds left and all of their time outs. Heinecke throws an AWFUL pick. The hell was that pass? Falcons get inside the 40 with two seconds left. Koo's gonna try a 58-yarder. Yeah, no. Another poor throw from Heinecke is initially called an interception by Terrell, but review overturns it as he never had control of it. That's a good punt. Robinson converts fourth and 1. This time Heinecke and Bates connect for a touchdown, but Slye misses the extra point. Mariota gets hit as he throws and it's eventually — and correctly — ruled an incomplete pass. Koo hits from 48 making it 16-13. Probably the worst group of pass-catchers in the NFL lighting up the Commanders' defense right now. Montez Sweat left early and it's first and goal Falcons. Mariota turns a six-yard loss into a two-yard loss. Commanders use their final time out with 1:03 left. Pass is tipped — who's got it? Washington! Kendall Fuller got it in the end zone! The Falcons still have all three of their time outs, though. Commanders call an end around for Samuel on third down and he almost fumbles and doesn't get the first down. The Falcons ran into the punter! Jebus. (Commanders 19, Falcons 13)

Lightning delay in Jacksonville. Touchdown Agnew and it's 19-17. Edwards fumbles! Jaguars recover! Ravens falling apart. Jags are in the red zone with five minutes left. The Ravens hold them to three but now they're losing. Offensive holding wipes out a 23-yard pass. Lamar to DeSean for 62!!!


Lamar gets popped trying to stay inbounds. Josh Oliver is open for a touchdown! Andrews fights through three defenders for the two points. (As a note, I'm surprised CBS has stayed with this game as long as it has when they don't have the doubleheader.) Zay Jones showing OUT in this two-minute drill. That's a career-high 11 catches. Touchdown Marvin Jones Jr.! And that'll stand! Pederson initially sends out the PAT team. The call stands, and now Pederson sends the offense back onto the field! Fourteen seconds left. Lawrence finds Zay Jones!

I'd have kicked that off deep considering who the Ravens have (and the fact that they still have two time outs.) Oliver gets out of bounds with two seconds left. This will be a 67-yard attempt. Tucker's longest is 66 but it was indoors. JUST. SHORT. That he got that close is remarkable.

Mark this game for the Jaguars, because if things start to happen here, this was the catalyst. (Jaguars 28, Ravens 27)


The Browns tie it at 17 with 32 seconds left on a fourth-down touchdown pass from Brissett to Njoku. Brady finds Julio Jones at midfield with eight seconds left. Hail Mary falls to the ground. Bucs get the ball first in overtime. Brady misses Brate on second down, then can't pick up 3rd and 14. Browns run Chubb east-west for some reason. They end up going three and out. Tristan Wirfs is being carted off for the Bucs. He's been fighting injuries for the last couple of years, and it sounds like someone landed on his leg. Brady sacked on third down.

Utterly blown coverage after Carlton Davis falls down trying to draw OPI leaves Cooper wide open and he's finally forced out at the 2. Touchdown Chubb! Indeed. (Browns 23, Buccaneers 17, OT)


(Raiders 40, Seahawks 34, OT)


(Chargers 25, Cardinals 24)


But he can find an open spot in the zone. Ronald Jones is a Chief? He's been inactive all season and is only up now because Edwards-Helaire is on IR. Kelce slips a defender, cuts across the field, and scores. Oh, right, no Stafford. So Bryce Perkins is the Rams' quarterback. Burkhardt relays his story: His great uncle, father, and uncle all played professionally. He broke his neck in college, was in a brace for six months, recovered, transferred to a junior college, then went to Virginia where he started for two seasons and set records, but went undrafted. Rams manage a field goal in response. MVS doesn't hang on (the pass was changed to an incompletion) but the Rams get called for holding. Mahomes scrambles to the Rams' 4. Touchdown is called back because of an Illegal man downfield call. From the 4-yard line? It ends up costing the Chiefs four points, as they settle for a field goal.

That's a great punt, pinning the Chiefs at their own 2. JuJu breaks a tackle and gets the first down. Fortson picks up first and 20. Field goal is good. The Chiefs should be up by more than 10. Apparently this happened to McVay:

His face is slightly swollen, but he's fine. Touchdown Pacheco. There's nobody on this Rams offense I recognize anymore. Fourth and 1 from the 7 as the fourth quarter begins. PASS??? Touchdown Van Jefferson. Chiefs need to lock up JuJu long-term. He's perfect for them. MVS hangs on after taking a hit mid-catch. Double wide receiver pass to Kelce falls incomplete. Nick Scott picks off Mahomes in the end zone. Jenkins throws late and Bolton makes a leaping interception! He returns it to the Rams 9. The Chiefs can't capitalize and they kick a field goal. That honestly wasn't a terrible performance by this defense. (Chiefs 26, Rams 10)

Tarp's been on the field all day. Packers win the toss and defer. I'm not used to this. Hurts escapes the pocket, makes two Packers miss, and gets 25 yards on third and 10. He does it again, getting 27 on 3rd and 6. Touchdown Gainwell. They threw one pass on that drive.




Packers start at their own 9 after the return man slips. This interception is absolutely wild. Rodgers avoids the sack from Hargrave, gets chased by Reddick, throws it short of Slay, who deflects it, and Josiah Scott comes up with the pick on the sideline and somehow got both feet inbounds. Sanders with a relatively easy score. PAT goes right so it's still 13-0. This Packers kickoff return goes much better than the last one. Really good blocking on this screen to Aaron Jones. Dillon makes a cut and drags Gardner-Johnson into the end zone. They measure after a third-down sneak and it's about a half-yard. They try it again on fourth down and... they still didn't get it? Sanders ends up with the ball. The snap was dropped. Seumalo may have moved early but no flag was thrown. They did NOT get it. Nothing works 100 percent of the time. Now the Packers are going for it on 4th and 5. Rodgers finds Watson for the first down, and Gardner-Johnson's down. Touchdown Cobb.

A.J. Brown for 20. Hurts goes down the near sideline for 42 and is pushed out inside the 5! That's 102 rushing yards for him already. Lane directed Preston Smith behind Hurts and there was no one to pick him up. Sanders starts the second quarter with a touchdown. Cris says Hurts took a shot on that last run to end the first that caused his mouthpiece to fly out. 20-14 Eagles. Rodgers finds Tonyan in the middle of the field.

REED BLANKENSHIP just jumped the route and picked off Rodgers! Tirico: "Look out!"

How do you play five years in college? Hurts takes off on another run and seems OK. OH NO. Brown gets the ball stripped and Quay Walker's got a big return here. He finally runs out of bounds at the Eagles' 12. Jones touchdown is called back because of a hold. Rodgers buys time and finds Jones in the back of the end zone! Now CROSBY misses an extra point. Sweat with a sack, then Cox gets another one on third down. Hurts goes down on second down. He finds Smith on third, but they're a yard short. Crowd not buying this Packers injury. Sneak works this time. Hurts gets it to Quez in the front corner of the end zone for a touchdown!

Quez and Blankenship are both from Athens, Alabama, as is Philip Rivers. And how the hell does Philip Rivers know Doc? It's halftime of a weird, wild game. Hugh Douglas and Trent Cole go into the Eagles' Hall of Fame at halftime. Eagles kickoff game continues to be their biggest weakness. Reddick and Graham get to Rodgers, forcing a punt. Sanders making moves. Not sure how that pass to Smith didn't get intercepted, and I thought he'd actually caught it for a millisecond. Another high ball for Smith, but he catches this one and gets the first down. Touchdown A.J. in the back corner. Melissa reports that the Packers' medical staff was looking at Rodgers and poking his ribs on the sideline. He's taken some shots tonight, for sure. That is NOT helmet to helmet. Dillon on a wheel route gets to the Eagles' 13. Is this four-down territory? Jones gets one on third and 4. Apparently it is. They false start, and now the field goal team comes in. It's good. Apparently Rodgers is headed to the locker room and Jordan Love's throwing? Meanwhile, Hurts is still running.

Gainwell gets a first down. Boston Scott to the 15. Hurts overthrows Quez after being forced from the pocket. Field goal is good. Jordan Love has his helmet on. Let's see what happens. He's in. At the time, both of these quarterbacks were overdrafted.


Watson comes across the field and outruns two Eagles for a touchdown. Now it's time for the Eagles to run THAT drive. They keep picking up first downs.

Cris showing how Kelce has neutralized Kenny Clark tonight. They run it on third and 7 and Gainwell only gets 5. They line up on fourth and 3, then don't. They're gonna try a 54-yarder here? That was EASY. 40-30 now. (This would NOT be a Scorigami, FYI. It's happened ONCE before.)

And there's another big kickoff return by Nixon, who shows off some moves. Getting those points was big. Lazard with a tough catch. Love's made some good throws. Wallace breaks up a pass intended for Cobb in the end zone. Crosby's on and he makes a 33-yarder. 1:08 left. Packers onside kick even though they have all their time outs. Jack Stoll recovers for the Eagles. Sanders gets three carries and picks up the game-ending first down. They ran for 363 yards? That's ABSURD.

Kelce's never gotten a Sunday Night game ball before. Also, this score has only happened two other times. Also also, crosses off Packers (Eagles 40, Packers 33)

No shortage of Steelers fans here tonight. Steelers score first with a field goal. We come back to footage from Peyton and Jeff Saturday's famous sideline argument. Pittman stops and the pass intended for him gets picked off. Then Pickett gets sacked on consecutive plays and there'll be no field goal attempt. Colts go three and out and I think we're seeing why there are seven wins combined in this matchup. Wright hits from 52 to start the second quarter and it's 6-0 Steelers. The Colts have zero yards. ZERO. Well, that just changed. Now their center, Ryan Kelly, is out. There's your George Pickens circus catch of the game. Thought Harris was gonna fumble, he got hit so hard. Pickett scramble. Touchdown Harris. Buck: "Whether it's a handoff, screen, whatever, let 28 hold the ball." Kelly back in. Another Taylor carry gets a cheer.


Drive ends with a field goal. Colts' 2-minute drill stops and starts and we're left with a 59-yard field goal try. Nope. 16-3 Steelers at halftime. Colts get a big kickoff return to start the second half. That's Dallas Flowers, and he started from the back of the end zone! Taylor scores two plays later. Colts get a stop on third and 1 and force a punt. Fourth and 1 and the Colts go to a long hard count (too long for Aikman's liking) to look like they're trying to get the Steelers to jump. Then Ryan goes over the top for the first down. Crowd not liking the Colts' inability to throw deep and the field goal unit comes out. It's good but THIS time, the Steelers jumped. Aikman: "This passing attack is... pretty dreadful." Fitzpatrick gets called for DPI in the end zone. Taylor drops the handoff, Ryan falls on it, but he doesn't recover it! Steelers ball! Jesus.

And they end up punting. Buck: "I guess that's a catch?" on a pass to Jelani Woods on the far side. It was, and he fumbled out of bounds. Ryan finds Woods over the middle for a 28-yard gain. Touchdown Pittman! Steelers suddenly perk up after doing nothing the entire third quarter. Benny Snell with a big run. Pickett finds Freiermuth inside the Colts' 5. Snell scores an easy touchdown. Steelers go for two. Somehow Pickett got that ball to Pickens. The timing on that throw was perfect. Pittman makes a tough catch in traffic, and he was apparently interfered with, too? Sure, fine. Woods having a night. Pittman makes another tough catch but he doesn't get the first down. Fourth and 3 with 1:59 left. Pass is tipped but Pittman catches it. Ryan gets sacked! Colts waste nearly a minute getting the next play off. They have all of their time outs, too. What are they doing? Ryan scrambles and then still no time out. Is Mike Vrabel coaching this game? And how does Ryan not take it upon himself to call a time out? They finally call one after Taylor gets stuffed. Fourth down throw to Campbell is incomplete. (Steelers 24, Colts 17)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (10-1) — Road grading at night
2. Kansas City (9-2) — Standard operating procedure
3. Dallas (8-3) — Feasting!
4. Miami (8-3) — Went back to the beach for the second half
BOTTOM 4:
29. Carolina (4-8) — I mean, Darnold's not the answer, either
30. L.A. Rams (3-8) — An absolutely stunning drop-off
31. Denver (3-8) — What a disaster
32. Houston (1-9-1) — Oh man. That was a bad choice

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