Thursday, December 15, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Go Your Own Way

Patriots almost fumble on their first drive. Now the Bills are moving backwards. Are they going for it? They get there! And it ends with a field goal. Stevenson fumbles again but the Patriots recover again.


Note: Marcus Jones is the defensive back who had the game-winning punt return against the Jets, if you were wondering about the state of things in Patriotsland. James Cook converts a long third down. Allen finds Diggs in the back corner for a touchdown.

A hold on the ensuing kickoff pins the Patriots deep and they can't recover. Bills picking away at this defense. Allen scrambles to the sideline and throws back across to Gabriel Davis for a touchdown! He still had a guy on him when he threw that.


Not much more from the Patriots offense so far. This Diggs touchdown is called back because of a penalty. Ball's out! Judon recovers for the Pats with 1:20 left in the half. Why are they running the ball? Oh, right, because they have a defensive coordinator and a special teams coordinator running their offense. Folk hits from 48. No. Bullshit. Five yards out of bounds and they say Poyer lost control? Fuck that. That's an interception. And then they call a five-yard route on 3rd and 14? The Patriots are, once again, an unserious franchise.

Diggs gets held and still makes the catch. Always awkward. Diggs is basically unguardable tonight. Touchdown Singletary. Mac slides short of the first down, is slow to get up, but finds Thornton to pick up fourth and 1. Mac throws a hospital ball to Meyers, who drops it after getting sandwiched in the end zone. Hamlin gets tossed for the hit. Mac gets sacked.

Two minutes left like this isn't a foregone conclusion. (Bills 24, Patriots 10)

Signal Finder: TEN @ PHI, NYJ @ MIN, WSH @ NYG (end), KC @ CIN, LAC @ LV (end)

Eagles starting off choppy with two false starts on the first set of downs. Then Hurts finds Smith wide open on third and 8. Nice spin move by Gainwell. Hurts throws too high for Watkins, then he finds Smith at the 2, and he spins into the end zone.


Hargrave sacks Tannehill on third and 4. Henry getting nothing after first contact so far, which is critical. Tannehill overthrows Hooper on third and 7. Then he takes off on fourth down and picks it up. He finds Burks in traffic in the end zone, and Burks takes a hit but holds on to the ball. Epps hit him helmet-to-helmet and that's what the flag was. Six penalties already for the Eagles after one quarter.

Vrabel challenges this Smith catch. This isn't a smart challenge even if he wins it. Call REVERSED. Hurts to Jack Stoll for 26, who then false starts on the next play. Hurts throws deep for A.J., who has what looks like a touchdown called back because his right foot was out of bounds. Now he's wide open for another touchdown, but what's THIS flag? It's defensive pass interference on Kristian Fulton, who didn't survive it. 14-7 Eagles. This time Cox doesn't let Tannehill escape. Not crazy about this call against the Titans on the Hurts run. Dillard in at guard? Huh? Brown trying to keep the peace after Hurts took a shot to the helmet. ANOTHER false start. Olsen's as baffled as the rest of us. Hurts fumbles, but the Eagles recover, but lose four yards and they're out of field goal range. Bradberry just misses an interception. Okonkwo over the middle for 40!

False start on the Titans on third and 1. Sweat gets to Tannehill. Bullock hits from 36. Burkhardt correctly describes this first half as "disjointed." Hurts underthrows Brown but that's a DPI flag. Olsen doesn't like that an underthrown ball can draw that flag. "What's a defender supposed to do?" Hurts draw gets stopped at the 2. Bootleg turns into cash. Eagles get the ball back and throw a short pass to Smith with one second left. He gets blockers but doesn't score. Halftime. Eagles challenge this incompletion to Woods, contending it's a catch and fumble. Call STANDS. Reddick and Sweat sack Tannehill. Britain Covey having his best game as a punt returner. Touchdown Brown! Took that off the defender's shoulder. That's good coverage! I thought it was Byard at first before I saw the jersey number was 30. Tannehill back in after getting his ankle taped after another sack. The Eagles have bottled Henry up, and this may be the worst wide receiver group in the league without Burks. Burkhardt: "If we could go, say, three plays without a penalty, I might throw a party at this point." Another sack! DOUBLE REVERSE FLEA FLICKER? Gets four yards. How do you call a false start on the quarterback? SNEAK. Brown still in Adams' face about twisting his leg after a tackle earlier. Field goal is good but there's a flag.

Neutral zone infraction on the Titans, and that's an easy one. Now it's 4th and 1 again, and the sneak pays off. Touchdown Sanders. I'm surprised the Titans sent Tannehill back out there, and Olsen's saying it's time to go get him. Willis is in on this next drive.

Truth. (Eagles 35, Titans 10)

The last time DeShaun Watson quarterbacked a team for a full season, it was the other team and they won four games. Let's remember that, too. Meanwhile, FUNFER. Peoples-Jones breaks two tackles and takes this punt 77 yards back for a touchdown!


Texans finish with a hard 14. (Browns 27, Titans 14)

That's deflected and intercepted by Harrison Smith. Then the Vikings get one yard and kick a field goal. Jets tie it with a field goal of their own. Jefferson makes a one-handed catch and takes a lick from... Jordan Whitehead? He's a Jet? Huh. (He also got called for unnecessary roughness.) Jefferson can't bring in a deep ball over his shoulder. Cousins takes off (!) and just beats C.J. Mosley to the first down marker. Reagor making plays? What are the Jets challenging here? The spot? Call STANDS. Alexander Mattison follows a big hole and scores easily. 17-3 Vikings. Legatron hits from 60. Garrett Wilson with a tough catch over the middle, then he breaks a tackle. White finds Uzomah downfield for a big gain. The drive dies inside the Vikings' 15. Field goal makes it 20-12. Jets are back in the red zone. Too much Brandon Berrios here. Third down pass gets knocked down at the line and the Jets again settle for three. Touchdown Jefferson! That will do it, probably. This Vikings defense has been bending all game. White keeps it at the goal line but he's ruled short. Jets challenge. This is close. No, it's not — he's in. Call REVERSED. Touchdown Jets with 6:45 left. Quinnen Williams down and that's a huge problem. Jets get a big sack. White just overthrows Garrett Wilson, and that was a touchdown. White finds Corey Davis on fourth and 10! Knight's not the guy here. Where's Robinson? Fourth and goal. Berrios drops it! That was a case of going to the wrong players in a big moment. The only good thing here is that the Vikings are inside their own 5. Jets defense holds and they get the ball in Vikings territory with 1:19 left. White to Wilson and the Jets are in the red zone! Three straight incompletions. Interception! The Vikings escape AGAIN. (Vikings 27, Jets 22)

This is the kind of game the Ravens have been losing for the last two years. But the Broncos offense is so bad it won't matter, even without Lamar. (Ravens 10, Broncos 9)

Dotson making MOVES. Touchdown and it's tied at 20. We come here still in overtime with 1:42 left and the Giants lining up on 4th and 3. Vilma's completely wrong here — if they punt, they're not getting the ball back. The Giants then take the delay of game and punt, which is a terrible decision. You don't think Barkley can get three yards? Come on, man.


The Commanders don't block Thibodeau and he almost gets a safety! That was WAY too close. Forty-nine seconds left and the clock's running as the Commanders set up to punt. Giants get the ball back with 28 seconds left. Here's Gano from 58. SHORT. That's the Giants' first tie since 1997, which was also against Washington. Oh my GOD did the Giants blow this. (Commanders 20, Giants 20, OT)

TRENT SHERFIELD? REALLY? And now Garoppolo's being carted to the locker room.


Broken foot for Garoppolo. Christ. (49ers 33, Dolphins 17)

Bengals have Chase back, but not Mixon. Boyd to the Chiefs' 5. Burrow scores on a quarterback draw. Mahomes has a pass knocked down on third down, then tackles a defender who was closing in on it. Romo points this out but CBS cuts the replay off before they can show it. Field goal is good. Thornhill picks off Burrow but it's coming back. Another big Chiefs penalty. Touchdown Higgins. Chase gets called for taunting and Zac Taylor is livid. Chiefs shooting themselves in the foot — a holding call brings back a big Justin Watson catch. Chase with an obvious pushoff. Has anyone pronounced Christine McVie's name correctly today?


Mahomes throws into what turns into triple coverage. Smith-Schuster continues to pay dividends. McKinnon finds a hole and gets to the 1. Then he runs into his own lineman. Mahomes throws to him for a touchdown. 14-10 Bengals. Chase! He hurdles Thornhill and goes out of bounds after getting 40 yards. The Chiefs cannot defend these guys. Nantz mentions the tie and calls them the Redskins. Bengals go for it on 4th and 1 from the Chiefs' 3. They don't sneak it and Carlos Dunlap (!!) blows it up!

Kelce finally with a catch against the Bengals. Touchdown Pacheco and the Chiefs lead. Boyd drops an easy touchdown. Wow. Field goal ties it. MVS with a big play! Wildcat to McKinnon goes nowhere. Now the Chiefs are going for it. Mahomes has to keep it, and he goes up over a defender into the end zone! He fumbles but it's ruled that he broke the plane beforehand. Burrow scrambles! Third quarter ends. Burrow throws for Higgins but he's out of bounds in an almost carbon copy of the Brown play in Titans-Eagles. Chiefs accept an illegal man downfield penalty, and the Bengals can't convert third and 6. Kelce gets the ball stripped and the Bengals have it! Touchdown... Chris Evans? (Not that one.) Mahomes gets caught from behind and he limps off. Butker from 55. This is doable. He hooked it right! Bengals take over. They get too cute with clock management and Burrow ends up getting sacked on the long side of the two-minute warning. Burrow with a laser to Higgins and that's it. And the Bills are back in the 1-seed. (Bengals 27, Chiefs 24)

Some major collisions on this Cowboys punt, and there's a flag and the Colts will have good field position. They turn it into three on a 52-yard McLaughlin field goal. Cowboys run hurry-up after this Schultz catch where the ball came out afterwards. And they were smart to do so, as that may have actually been a fumble. Lamb spins out of a tackle and scores. Was anything down? The Colts seem to think so but I don't see anything. Ryan finds Alec Pierce on the sideline. Touchdown... Ashton Dulin? He beat Trayvon Diggs BADLY, which is a thing that happens. Zeke gets 12 on third and 15. "Backwater" into the break.

Colts can't tackle Lamb. Pollard touchdown puts the Cowboys back in front. Gilmore drops an interception. Gilmore does NOT drop this interception five plays later. Ryan gets pressured into an overthrow and the Colts settle for three. Ex-Colt Malik Hooker then gets an interception off a deflection. They rule him out of bounds at the Colts' 26.


Zaire Franklin with a great pass breakup on Schultz in the end zone. Dak rolls out and finds Gallup between three Colts, and none of them can stop him from scoring. 21-13 Cowboys at halftime. Taylor gets tripped up. (The ball comes out but he was down.) Taylor converts a 2nd and 15. Campbell with a leaping catch. Taylor gets stopped on third and 1. RYAN SNEAK? It works. Pierce fights off Joseph and goes up for the touchdown. Two-point try is dropped. We come back from commercial to see Anthony Brown being carted off with an ankle injury. Cowboys get lucky a poor throw by Dak hits the ground, as Isaiah Rodgers thought he had an interception. And on top of that, Franklin went helmet-to-helmet on Lamb after the play was over.

I don't know if you win the challenge, but you don't lose anything by challenging. Colts can't tackle Lamb. Touchdown Gallup. Mo Alie-Cox fumbles and Hooker returns it for a touchdown! Oh well. High throw is intercepted again. This is why Ryan got benched the first time.

Pollard with an easy touchdown through this Colts "defense". You know what that ISN'T? Defensive pass interference. There's still seven minutes left?

Look, this is the only thing we were waiting for. (Cowboys 54, Colts 19)

Buccaneers moving early. What just happened on the pirate ship? That's right, I don't think Aikman ever played at this stadium. Sixteen plays? Fournette gets taken down short of the goal line by Marcus Maye and the Bucs settle for three about eight plays after Buck tired to avoid the announcer jinx with a red zone graphic.


Dalton gets sacked on third down. More graphics: It's Michigan (Brady) vs. TCU (Dalton) in the college football semifinals. Dalton hits Shaheed for 40!

Bucs completely lose Trautman. Then they lose Taysom Hill and he catches a 30-yard touchdown. Randy Moss on the Manningcast! They're playing the interception Fournette tried to throw for Brady in Germany. Moss doesn't understand why Brady's teams keep doing that. Olave with a drop on third down (his first of the year) and the Saints punt. Moss spots that this Evans incompletion should actually be a catch. Call REVERSED. Then Brady gets picked off! He threw it right to Damarrio Davis. Landry drops a pass on third and 2. Moss is disappointed. Saints curiously kick the field goal with two time outs left.

Saints lead 10-3. Both of these teams are under .500 and you can see why. Rachaad White fumbles a pass and the Saints recover. Saints settle for another field goal. Though, really, the Bucs' offense has been so bad tonight that 13 points might be enough. Dana White's on. They dig up a picture of White as a kid in a Patriots No. 81 jersey. Peyton correctly guesses it's Russ Francis and pokes fun at White for not knowing. "I was nine years old in that jersey!" Peyton: "Can you get Gronk to Tampa in the second half?" Then he thinks third down is fourth down and then jokingly asks White if he thinks they'll go for it on third and 10. This game's so boring they're showing preliminary footage of White's slap fighting league that's launching next year. How does it take six years to launch a slap league? Saints driving again. Well, they were until Carl Nassib knocks down the pass on third down. Field goal makes it 16-3 Saints. Peyton announces that he and Eli will be coaching the Pro Bowl teams in the new flag football game. Saints gotta tackle somebody. Does Brady secretly not have the deep ball in his arsenal any more? There it is! Evans doesn't make the catch but that's because he was interfered with. Bucs cash in with Brady to Cade Otton and it's 16-10 with three minutes left. Dalton gets sacked, then Hill gets a great pass knocked out of his hands. That drive took 20 seconds.

Godwin gets to midfield with 1:59 left. Coming back from commercial, SVP compares this to the Rams game. Scottie Miller gets flattened but still gets the first down. JULIO! I thought that was picked off. Saints call time out. Godwin touchdown is called back for offensive holding. Twelve seconds left. Godwin stumbles out of bounds but that's probably OK. Brady to Rachaad White for a touchdown. The Mannings lament the knockout chances the Saints passed up.

That's his latest game-winning touchdown pass by time left in the game. I'm so tired of this man. Like, I've really had enough. (Buccaneers 17, Saints 16)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (11-1) — Unstoppable flight patterns
2. San Francisco (8-4) — OK, NOW what?
3. Dallas (9-3) — Late night snack
4. Buffalo (9-3) — Righting the ship

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-10) — Nobody left on defense
30. L.A. Rams (3-9) — Was it worth this?
31. Denver (3-9) — Another winnable loss
32. Houston (1-10-1) — Looks like they're drafting a quarterback after all

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