Wednesday, November 30, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Close Combat


Titans are down a kicker among a bunch of other starters. Meanwhile, the left side of the Packers' offensive line is playing hurt. Tannehill goes deep to the recently returned Treylon Burks. We got snow here. That's aggressive. Hilliard with a touchdown catch from Tannehill.

Henry whiffs on a blitz and Tannehill goes down. Rodgers's right thumb is partially mummified. Dillon with a couple of good runs. Jones fumbles but Cobb falls on it. Rodgers finagles a free play as always and turns it into Watson's fourth touchdown in five days. PAT is blocked. 7-6 Titans. Direct snap to Henry at midfield and the Titans convert fourth and short. Titans go for it again at the Packers' 7, but Henry gets stopped! Twenty plays down the drain.

And what do the Packers do in response? Go three and out, then get off a punt that's not all that good. Touchdown Henry and the third down stop pays off. 14-6 Titans at halftime. Pocket falls apart on Rodgers as he tries to throw a three-yard screen to Jones on 3rd and 11. Field goal is good. Quick pass to Henry and he's off. DERRICK HENRY JUMP PASS TO HOOPER. TOUCHDOWN TITANS. That's just demoralizing. PAT hits the upright. 20-9 Titans. Lazard somehow stays inbounds at the Titans' 5. Another touchdown for Watson. Jones gets the two points and it's 20-17.

Graphic shows the 2018 coaching hires, and Vrabel's the only one left with the same team. Touchdown Hooper! There's some discussion as to whether this will count, since the ball pops into a Packers player's hands after the fact. Nah, that's a touchdown. It takes two dudes at minimum to bring Henry down. Rasul Douglas picks off Tannehill. Lazard can't handle the third down pass, then Rodgers overthrows him on fourth down. 5:15 left. Rodgers finds Watson for 18 on 3rd and 19, but Jones doesn't get the final yard. The Titans throw a 51-yard bomb to Burks... because they're trolls? NOW they're taking knees. That's just disrespectful.

(Titans 27, Packers 17)

Signal Finder: PHI @ IND, DET @ NYG, NYJ @ NE (end), CAR @ BAL (end), DAL @ MIN, CIN @ PIT (end)

Lions kick the field goal from the Giants' 3? Strange. Jones runs away from pressure and finds Matt Brieda coming across the field for 16. Jones scores on a bootleg. Wind blows the PAT hilariously off course. Goff scrambles for a first down, but offensive holding brings it back. HUGE Bronx cheer after this Golladay catch, only his third of the year. Aiden Hutchinson picks off Jones. What? Lions have first and goal after a DPI that no one in the booth agrees with. Touchdown Jamal Williams and it's 10-6 Lions. Giants are backed up at their own 4 before Wan'Dale Robinson gets free on the near sideline. Good no-call on this third down incompletion. Punt is shanked and the Lions get decent starting field position. They turn first and 20 into first and goal, partially thanks to a missed false start. Williams punches it in. Giants don't spike it and lose about 10 seconds. 17-6 Lions at halftime. That's the second Cabinda drop today that would have been a big play. Touchdown Williams! That's three! Jones makes a bad throw on 4th and 5 and it's intercepted. Touchdown Brieda. Another missed PAT by Gano. Goff finds a wide-open Josh Reynolds on third and 7. Goff makes a bad decision to throw deep into double coverage but the Giants don't intercept it. They offense stays out on fourth and 10, but they take a delay of game and punt because of the wind. Giants fumble and Hutchinson recovers it for the Lions! Touchdown Swift. Touchdown Giants but they miss the two-point conversion. Good win for the Lions; embarrassing loss for New York Blue. (Lions 31, Giants 18)

The Commanders have won four in a row. Is Carson Wentz's career over? (Commanders 23, Texans 10)

Quite a few homecomings here. Colts' offensive line finally living up to its billing. Taylor for 28. Ryan sneak just gets there. Touchdown Taylor on third and goal. Holding penalty on Grant Calcaterra ends up killing the Eagles' first drive. Random thought: Do they ever open the roof here anymore? Eagles get three penalties in a row, with a final OPI creating 1st and 35.


Yeah, this drive is toast. Hurts with a nice cut to convert 3rd and 5. Eagles finally putting a drive together. That's a touchdown for Brown with a better throw, I think. Then the snap goes high and the Eagles lose eight. Hurts gets knocked out of bounds at the 5. Field goal is good. Gainwell gets nowhere on 3rd and 2. McLaughlin hits from 53. 10-3 Colts at the half. Hurts gets sacked and fumbles! Colts ball. Wait, who actually challenged this third down play? It's not a catch by any definition. Oh, they called it a catch and fumble out of bounds and the Eagles correctly challenged it. Call REVERSED. Why are the Eagles going for it on 4th and 10? This coaching staff has lost the plot. New Eagle Suh with a sack! Weird seeing him with a number in the 70s (74). Colts punt — which the Eagles should have done — and the Eagles are pinned at their own 5.

Now they've just stopped covering receivers. Eagles manage a sack. McLaughlin misses to the right from 50. Hurts spins out of a couple of moves and gets 23. Touchdown Watkins. Taylor takes it into the pile, keeps going, the whistle never blows, and he eventually fumbles and the Eagles recover! Two big runs by Hurts. BROWN fumbles and the Colts get it right back! Ryan with a sick throw to Pierce on third and 12. Then he finds Parris Campbell inside the 5. That's game. Reddick with a sack. McLaughlin hits from 36 with 4:37 left. Sanders gets tackled 40 yards downfield and it draws an obvious flag. I'm not sure that was even catchable but you can't ignore it when it's that blatant. Boston Scott? Here? These aren't the Giants. Fourth and 2. They line up in some weird triple I formation to try to get the Colts to jump but it doesn't work. So what's Plan B? Hurts keeps it and gets there.

He tries it again but the Colts sniff it out. Hurts goes in UNTOUCHED. The middle of the field was completely cleared out. And it's not like the Colts let him score — they called two time outs after he got the first down. Pressure forces Ryan into a low throw. Graham sacks Ryan on third and 9. Fourth and 21 and the Colts don't even come close. This is the sign of a good team — winning a game they have absolutely no business winning. (Eagles 17, Colts 16)


And apparently CBS only has one camera working here and no replays. It's 3-3 after 3 and both Mac and Zach are stinking up the joint. We come here after Eagles-Colts with 1:52 left. Pats drop a pick. Garrett Wilson gets blatantly held, which may account for the longest yardage gain of either team today. The Jets have two yards of offense this half. TWO!

Jets punt. OH MY GOD. 85 YARD PUNT RETURN TOUCHDOWN FOR MARCUS JONES WITH NINE SECONDS LEFT. True Patriots bullshit. That's the first punt return touchdown this season.

The Jets are cursed in that building. What's the opposite of holy ground? (Patriots 10, Jets 3)

Ravens finally wake up. JPP with an interception that'll seal it. (Ravens 13, Panthers 3)

Here we have the two worst coaches in the NFL facing HEAD ON. And that's three overtime losses for the Broncos this season. (Raiders 22, Broncos 16)

So we're rooting for the Vikings, right? Who chokes harder, McCarthy or Cousins? Parsons chases down Cousins and forces a fumble, and the Cowboys recover.


Zeke's back, and he gets four on his first carry. Vikings' defense holds and the Cowboys settle for a field goal. Cook with a big run. Vikings answer with a field goal. Pollard! Zeke punches it in. Cowboys on the move again as Romo notes that they've gone back to running the ball more with Zeke back. Pollard catches a swing pass and goes down the sideline untouched. Touchdown and it's 20-3 Cowboys. Jefferson only has two catches so far. Vikings facing third and 23 and that pass came out like a clay pigeon after it's been shot. Lamb with a tightrope-walking catch with five seconds left. Five seconds left and Maher comes on to try from 60. He hooks it INSIDE THE RIGHT UPRIGHT. That looked like it had no shot until probably when it reached the end zone. Wait, they were reviewing the previous play? Oh, Lamb may have lost possession? Call STANDS, but now Maher has to make a 60-yarder again. HE MAKES IT ANYWAY! Well that's that.

And now it's 30 to 3 after Dak finds Pollard downfield on a mismatch. Noah Brown with a... catch? Apparently it is. Another touchdown for Zeke and it's 37-3. WE'RE SWITCHING OUT.

Clearly. (Cowboys 40, Vikings 3)


It's the white-on-whites, FYI.

Anyway, when we get here, it's a one-point Bengals lead and they're about to get the ball back. That's a good kickoff return. Burrow gets buried, but they're in McPherson's range. It's good from 54 and it's 27-23 Bengals. Pickens fights through coverage for the catch. Flea-flicker fizzles when Pickett bobbles the pitch back. Drive ends up ending. Big catch by Boyd to get the Bengals out of their own end. Lot of Samaje Perine on this drive. Is Mixon hurt? (Yes.) Touchdown Perine. Bengals pulling away. Last-minute Harris touchdown Significant to Some? (No.) Pickens gets thrown out for a late hit on the onside kick. (Bengals 37, Steelers 30)

Aw, man, I missed a rouge. It's 7-4 Winnipeg, who's going for a three-peat. Halftime show is three guys who apparently aren't a band? And one of them's one-half of Florida Georgia Line? What an odd decision. Argonauts take the lead with 3:24 left. Interception! Field goal is BLOCKED! Bombers with a chance and THEIR field goal is blocked! This is NUTS. Wait, Chad Kelly is the Argonauts' backup quarterback? Toronto wins! (Argonauts 24, Blue Bombers 23)

FLEXING. Chargers get Allen and Williams back. But the Chiefs are down Juju and Hardman now. Big run by Isaiah Pacheco. Skyy Moore held on? Stop the presses. Bullet to Kelce is broken up. Chiefs end up kicking it. There's Allen right away. But it's Joshua Palmer who gets open deep for a touchdown! Williams with a nice spinning catch on the sideline. Dicker hits from 46.


That's a ridiculous throw. Kelce high-steps into the end zone. Carter! The experience he and Palmer got while Williams and Allen were out will only help this offense. Touchdown Ekeler. Bolton shoves Herbert out of bounds and that one's obvious. Chargers get a field goal to go up 20-13 at halftime. Moore again! Kelce pulls the ball out of a defender's hands. He breaks a tackle. Speed! Touchdown! Keenan Allen fumbles and the Chiefs have it. Wait, was his knee down? I guess not. Now Justin Watson fumbles and the Chargers get it back! Allen with a diving catch on a ball that Herbert just threw up there. Touchdown Chargers with 1:46 left! Herbert and Palmer made that look EASY. PAT is critical here and it's good.

Derwin James gets called for holding opposite of a third-down Mahomes overthrow. Kelce! TOUCHDOWN.


Still 34 seconds left. Herbert throws downfield, two Chiefs collide, and somehow Bolton ends up with the interception! What a finish. (Chiefs 30, Chargers 27)

VIVA MEXICO. No Kyler again tonight. This matchup was the first Mexico City game, too. This is a very pro-49ers crowd that ESPN Deportes' John Sutcliffe is getting hyped. It's raining. Lisa reminds us that Stadio Azteca is at a higher elevation than Denver — about 7350 feet above sea level. 49ers won the toss and deferred. McCoy to Hopkins for 17. Aikman points out that Hopkins and Hollywood Brown, who's still out injured, have yet to play together this season. (Hopkins was suspended for the first six games, and Hollywood got hurt before he got back.) Prater hits from 40. McCaffrey gets a big gain off of a toss play, with Trent Williams out front killing people. Deebo gets five on a screen with no secondary blocking.


Garoppolo finds Aiyuk on about his third read for a touchdown. That window was a little wider than I thought. Cardinals get hit with a taunting call after a first down. Jimmie Ward intercepts McCoy. He's correctly ruled down by contact even though he keeps running. Kittle scoops up a pass, bounces off a defender, and cruises into the end zone. Kittle met PENTA before the game and got a mask. Buck calls him both Pentagon Jr. and Penta El Zero Miedo.
GREG DORTSCH? Screen goes for 47 after Nick Bosa jumped offsides. Touchdown Conner. 49ers back on the move again. Field goal is good. McCoy kind of flop-slides and takes a shot. Bosa sack ends the half. Elijah Mitchell getting some run in his second game back. Reverse to Deebo and nobody's gonna touch him for a 39-yard touchdown. McCoy and Dortsch can't connect on fourth and 3 and the 49ers take over. Givens gets to McCoy untouched. Buck AUDIBLY shushes Aikman when the latter mentions how clean a game this has been so far. Garoppolo beats the blitz and finds Aiyuk for his second score of the night. McCoy might be a little woozy? Another Cardinals' fourth down attempt fails.

Has anyone seen Danhausen? This year's Mr. Irrelevant, Brock Purdy, is now in at quarterback for the 49ers. He then proceeds to turn the wrong way on a handoff, and if you ever saw Brock Purdy for any length of time in college, that should not surprise you in the slightest. (49ers 38, Cardinals 10)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (9-1) — Rather be lucky AND good
2. Kansas City (8-2) — Never a doubt?
3. Dallas (7-3) — A rare knockout punch
4. Miami (7-3) — Beach time

BOTTOM 4:
29. Las Vegas (3-7) — It should still be better than this
30. Denver (3-7) — And it should be a LOT better than THIS
31. Carolina (3-8) — Three points? THREE?
32. Houston (1-8-1) — And now they may need a quarterback

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Sunday, November 27, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Finite

The Falcons' Jake Matthews had a kid this morning and got here maybe two hours ago. This win probability graphic from their first game is wild.

Fifty-three yards on 14 plays doesn't sound great once you do the math. And there's a sack. And the Panthers are going to punt. That's not something you see every day. There's zero chance Wilks keeps this job. Then the Panthers score in two plays on their next drive on a Laviska Shenault sweep. The Falcons have done nothing so fat. Field goal makes it 13-0 Panthers. Block springs Foreman, who only has to break one tackle for a touchdown. Now the Panthers miss the PAT and it's 19-9. Kirk: "It just feels like Carolina should be up by more." Al notes that the Panthers have run for 222 yards tonight. There's another dropped interception, so the Panthers get lucky and end up punting. Falcons down 7 with 2:20 left? Sure. Oh, a sack. Never mind. Panthers tack on a field goal for no real reason. (Panthers 25, Falcons 15)

Guten tag. I did not know Brady had an interception-less streak that long. (Buccaneers 21, Seahawks 16)

Signal Finder: MIN @ BUF, HOU @ NYG, DEN @ TEN (end), DAL @ GB

Touchdown Cager, the converted wide receiver. Texans pin the Giants at their own 1 with a 66-yard punt. Golladay with his second drop in his first game back. The Giants aren't even at midfield with eight seconds left? They got no shot. What are they doing? Getting sacked, that's what. 7-3 Giants at halftime. Slayton slips a tackle and goes 54 yards for a touchdown. Texans have found something in the passing game? That's unexpected. Touchdown Nico Collins. Giants answer back with a Barkley touchdown. Jordan Akins gets out of a tackle and goes 45 yards to end the third. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Wait, Jaylon Smith's back? Texans come right back with two big plays. Cooks touchdown gets called back for holding. And Mills throws an interception on the next play. It's probably over now. They're reviewing this Mills fumble. Davis doesn't seem to think it'll stand. Why is this taking so long? Call REVERSED. Pierce picks up a first down. DPI on an uncatchable ball is canceled out by a hold. Texans kick the field goal with 2:32 left. (Giants 24, Texans 16)

Jags open with an onside kick? OK then. I've never been convinced the Giants actually wanted Kadarius Toney and only took him because the Eagles snapped up Devonta Smith in front of them. Chiefs already up 20. Grand.


(Chiefs 27, Jaguars 17)

Josh Allen IS playing. Jefferson breaks two tackles on third down. Lot of injuries in that Bills secondary still. Touchdown Jefferson. That's a good kick return. Allen's arm seems OK so far. BLOCKING. Touchdown Singletary, his first on the ground this year. Wait, Dalvin and James Cook are brothers? Allen takes off and converts 3rd and 11, creating first and goal. Touchdown Singletary. Christian Barmore picks off Cousins. Oh, we got weather here, too. He returns it to the Vikings' 26. Two Vikings miss a deflected pass that I think hit someone's helmet at the line of scrimmage. Field goal is good and it is snowing HARD now. Vikings get a 39-yard kickoff return to near midfield. Cousins finds Osborn on the near sideline inside the 5. Risky throw into the end zone is almost intercepted. Late flag is on... Hockenson? OK. These McKenzie end arounds are 50/50 propositions every time. Vikings throw twice in a row needing one yard and fail both times. Grand. Now the Bills are driving again. Gabriel Davis makes a touchdown grab over the defender! 24-10 Bills at the half. Cousins gets hit and Dane Johnson picks him off.


Hockenson going off the field for what the ref calls "a medical issue." Bills get dinged for a false start on a field goal but Bass still makes it from 45. Dalvin Cook goes 81 yards! Diggs with an OBSCENE one-handed catch for 25 on 3rd and 15 to end the third quarter. FOX plays "Allentown" into commercial. Then Davis converts 3rd and 16! This is why the Vikings are going to lose. The Bills go for it on 4th and 2 from inside the Vikings' 10, and Patrick Peterson picks him off! He takes it back 35 yards and Allen's down. He tried to punch the ball out with his injured right arm. Not smart, kid. He's on the sideline talking with someone now. Vikings go for it after Thielen gets stopped two yards short, but they have to burn a time out. Reverse to Osborn and he fights through to get there. Ed Oliver cuts down Dalvin to force 4th and 5. Hockenson! Bills lose Thielen and he's at the 18. Cousins doing his best Allen impression. It's mediocre but he gets to the 3.

FULLBACK TOUCHDOWN. That's C.J. Ham's first touchdown in FIVE YEARS? Moose is as surprised as I am. Extra point MISSES! It's still 27-23! Diggs has to turn around and can't haul it in. Bills get a coverage sack. Then the catch of the year happens:

Then Beford gets called for hitting Thielen out of bounds and the Vikings are in the red zone. Cousins with a quick pass to Jefferson... and this isn't a touchdown. Call is reversed and it's fourth and goal. 54 seconds. Bills clearly jump offsides and Dalvin Cook drops the pass. Let's try again. Cousins sneaks it and get in! OR NOT? Oh WOW. He extended AFTER his shoulder was down. That's a stop. The Bills can't even take a knee here. DID ALLEN FUMBLE? TOUCHDOWN VIKINGS. JESUS CHRIST. The Bills fumbled the snap and Kendricks recovered it in the end zone. Fucking hell.

Moose wonders if the Bills should have taken the safety there instead. Joe Davis: "We've lived a whole life inside the one-yard line here." Call STANDS. Extra point makes it 30-27, and now the last missed extra point is looming.


Davis again! Vikings playing prevent and the Bills are already in field goal range. FOX is reshowing that Davis catch... and that ball came out. They take a shot at the end zone and get an interference call! Five seconds left, which Moose doesn't think is enough time. Bass is out. Good from 29!

Vikings win the toss. Who's out there for them in a long coat? Vikings get another DPI, and it's a bad one. JEFFERSON. How do they not knock it down? First and goal Vikings at the 2. Cook LOSES 4. And that ends up taking a touchdown off the table.

Bills get the ball with 3:35 left. Allen scrambles for 17. The Vikings can't stop this dude. Peterson with the interception! Holy hell. Allen's made some backbreaking mistakes the last two weeks.


(Vikings 33, Bills 30, OT)

Are the Titans going to be able to field a team? That injury report is rough. At least... Tannehill's back?


Titans are offside on 4th and 13. Wilson is pressured and throws a pick. (Titans 17, Broncos 10)


Wait, Jeff Saturday's going back to Matt Ryan at quarterback? There's no way this works, right? It's working?

I get not being able to afford firing McDaniels, but after this, I'm not sure you can afford not to. There's also something symbolic about the Colts beating that guy under these circumstances. (Colts 25, Raiders 20)

No Stafford OR Murray in Rams-Cardinals. Ouch. Ertz down with a knee injury. Now McCoy's hurt and Trace McSorley is in for the Cardinals. McCoy comes back in. Kupp's hurt? That's bad. (Cardinals 27, Rams 17)

No score after 1 at Lambeau. Also no Zeke for the Cowboys. Burkhardt loves this overhead drone shot coming into the stadium. Gallup down at the 5. Something happened in the end zone and he limps off. Lamb lines up in the backfield, runs a route into the flat, and spins out of a tackle for a touchdown. Rodgers is sacked and fumbles. Cowboys ball, and first and goal. Dak throws a terrible interception in the end zone to Rudy Ford, who runs it out to the 30. Touchdown Christian Watson! He beats Anthony Brown and catches it (he's struggled with drops this season) for a 58-yard score. Ford jumps the route and gets ANOTHER pick. Olsen blames Lamb for running the wrong route. Jones goes left and scores. 14-7 Pack. Gallup to the 5! Schultz stretches out and gets in. We're tied at 14. Amari Rogers fumbles the punt and the Cowboys recover. Pollard scores against not even token resistance. Touchdown Lamb on a ball I thought was overthrown by a mile. How did he catch that? Sammy Watkins lives? Rodgers goes deep for Watson and he's got a touchdown. Cowboys drive fizzles. Jones fumbles after a long run but the Packers fortunately recover. Watson AGAIN! We're tied!


Oh, I do NOT like this playcalling from the Packers here. Two runs before calling a time out when you've only got two left?

Looks like overtime. How many times are the Cowboys going to hurt themselves on this drive with penalties? And how many times are the Packers going to bail them out? Cowboys pass on a 53-yarder to go on 4th and 4? Prescott gets pressured and throws incomplete! GOOD JOB, McCARTHY. Slant to Lazard and he's got space to work. He takes it inside the 20! Tack a face mask penalty onto that Jones run. (Also, Aaron throwing a block?) Rodgers kneels in the middle of the field.


Crosby from 28. It's GOOD! (Packers 31, Cowboys 28, OT)

DeAndre Carter with one of the easiest touchdown catches he'll ever have. 49ers secondary looked lost on that drive.


Garoppolo overthrows Aiyuk in the end zone. Deebo to the 2. Chargers stop McCaffrey short of the first down. Ogbonna's down, and the Chargers cannot afford to lose any more defensive linemen. They just cut their first-round pick from 2019! Field goal is good. Asante Jr. spins Aiyuk into Derwin James, whose helmet forces the fumble. Dicker sneaks one just inside the right upright. Apparently, Dicker was on his way to a Carrie Underwood concert when his agent called that the Chargers were signing him, so NBC just showed a video message from Carrie offering him tickets to another show. Collinsworth is jealous. Punt is BLOCKED and the Chargers will take over at the 49ers' 46. Cris can't believe this completion to Carter wasn't intercepted. (Refs also missed a hold on the tight end.) Dicker makes it 13-3. Kittle! McCaffrey inside the 10 after two plays. Garoppolo sneak is good. Whoa! Greenlaw just got thrown out for hitting Herbert in the head with his shoulder. Tirico wonders if the refs will make Herbert come out because of that shot to the head and it immediately happens. Then Chase Daniel, the backup, takes a shot. Tirico says they the NFL needs to bring back the active third quarterback rule. Dicker makes it 16-10 at halftime as Tirico throws it back to the studio by noting that everyone picked the 49ers. Embiid has 57! (He finished with 59, 11 rebounds, and 7 blocks.) Third down pass goes through Aiyuk's hands. Field goal is good. The conversation on the Greenlaw ejection continues, as McAuley doesn't think the hit warranted an ejection. Melissa Stark says Shanahan was much less... eloquent about it. Chargers lose Christian Covington off their defensive line now. Aiyuk drags a Chargers tackler hanging on to his leg to the 2. Touchdown McCaffery. Gould MISSES the PAT! Chargers haven't really done anything since halftime. Not having Allen and Williams for multiple weeks has caught up to them.

Now there's a discussion on whether the ball should have been put at the 20 after this punt, as the 49ers player backed into the end zone. Not that it will matter, as the 49ers already ran a play. Why are we doing this?


Chargers run out of downs. 49ers add a late field goal.

Was that a clean pick? Yeah, it was. (49ers 22, Chargers 16)

SPECIAL TEAMS. On both sides, really. FUMBLE? Eagles ball! The running into the punter call actually helped the Eagles because now the ball's inside the 25. Hurts keeper to the 7. Sneak and score. Commanders running hard up the middle. Slay loses Dotson and it's first and goal. Gibson scores on second down. A.J. Brown limps off. Commanders get called for DPI down inside the 5. Ball's at the 6. Jump pass to Goedert for a touchdown. The Eagles have never been able to slow down McLaurin.


Commanders with a 4th and 1. DELAY OF GAME. Thanks, crowd! Slye hits from 44. Hurts goes deep for A.J. but the throw goes into double coverage and it's intercepted! Heinecke stands in under pressure and delivers it to Samuel, who got left wide open. The next snap goes over Heinecke's head but he manages to throw it away. K'Von Wallace stops McLaurin on third and 10. Fourth and 1 again, and they get the play off and it's a handoff to Samuel for a first down. Brian Robinson to the 1. He fights through a tackle and scores. Eagles go three and out and Slye ends the half with a 58-yarder.


The Eagles cannot get a stop on third down tonight. At all. McLaurin for 42. Third and 1 and they run it and pick it up, just like every other time. The Eagles finally get home on a sack. (No idea why the Commanders threw a pass there. They've been running over the Eagles all night.) RIP to Troy's mom, Cheryl. Hurts finds Quez at midfield. The fourth quarter begins with Devonta Smith slipping a tackle and going into the end zone. Right before that, they show Lurie with tailgaters in the parking lot and Buck says "This is as stable an organization as it gets in the NFL." (Considering who the opponent is, there's a non-zero chance that was intentional.) Gardner-Johnson gets called for a late hit, putting the ball at midfield. Yeah, that was bad. He was still inbounds. Heinecke looks for McLaurin deep on third down... and Gardner-Johnson picks it off! Goedert's down and the Commanders are running the ball into the end zone. That's a fumble. It won't be a touchdown, as Goedert was touching the recovering player. What's really gonna piss people off is that the refs missed a face mask.


Gibson loses five on a screen. Heinecke has to throw it away. The Eagles decline an illegal man downfield penalty, and Slye hits from 55. 26-21 with 7:44 left. QUEZ! NO!! He got up because he wasn't touched and then he got caught from behind and fumbled! They call OPI on Dotson to negate a big Samuel catch on third down. Aikman doesn't like the call. Hurts gets sacked and the Eagles punt. Something goes wrong and Siposs ends up having to kick it away on the run because there was no way it wasn't getting blocked. They call illegal man downfield on No. 44, which has not only been retired, but Pete Retzlaff, the man who wore it, died in 2020. Heinecke takes a knee on third down, but Graham runs into him — and gets called for a personal foul! That's just dumb. It's a ticky-tack call but Graham's gotta know better. And Reddick was already there! Just a whole bunch of brutal mistakes tonight.

Pitchy pitchy woo woo turns into an irrelevant Commanders touchdown. (Commanders 32, Eagles 21)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-1) — An all-around slopfest
2. Kansas City (7-2) — The easy route
3. Minnesota (8-1) — Close and a cigar
4. Miami (7-3) — Tua's found himself in this offense

BOTTOM 4:
 29. Denver (3-6) — I see things haven't gotten better in the slightest
30. Carolina (3-7) — Up in the mud
31. Las Vegas (2-7) — Abject humiliation
32. Houston (1-7-1) — Somehow lost a winnable game

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Monday, November 21, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: To the Streets

Texans get the ball first and seem to have caught the Eagles off guard. That's an excellent midair catch by... whoever this dude is (Teragan Quitoriano) for an early Texans Touchdown. Quez with a catch for the first time in what feels like a month. Eagles going no-huddle for a bit. They gave Gainwell the first down? OK. Goedert picks up third and 8. Gainwell drags three Texans to the 3 and they start complaining about something. Maybe Kelce's block? I don't know. Sanders gets stopped at the 1 on play #17. Eagles going for it. Sanders finds the hole on the left for an easy touchdown.


Eighteen plays! They usually run that drive in the fourth quarter. Mills tries to scramble for 3rd and 11 but comes up short. A.J. Brown gets tripped up by Simone Biles's fiance. Hurts fumbles on a corner blitz and the Texans recover. But one first down and that's it, as Hargrave ends the drive with a sack. Sanders through a big hole for 25. Good job by Goedert following his blocks on this screen. Touchdown Gainwell.


I refuse to believe Al and Kirk text. Nobody wraps up on this 36-yard run by Pierce. Uh, that's a touchdown. I don't know what they're seeing that it wouldn't be. There we go. We're tied at 14. The Eagles are in field goal range? They've done this a few times this year. Elliott from 54. Nope, wide right. Hurts gets sacked twice to start the third quarter. Late challenge flag comes out after Sanders picks up the first down — and it turns out he didn't, as his knee hit the turf and he was touched. Mills gets pressured into an interception that I'm sure they'll take a look at, as low as the throw was. Oh, that's clean. That's Gardner-Johnson's fourth straight game with a pick. Brown EASILY open for a touchdown two plays later.


Maddox whiffs on a tackle and Chris Moore takes it to midfield. Eagles still can't stop Pierce. They hold on third and 9 and the Texans kick a field goal. Hurts runs away from a lot of trouble to get a first down. Goedert with his seventh catch tonight and it feels like they've all been for first downs. Except that one, which is for a Touchdown. The Texans are offside on the PAT, and the Eagles elect to accept the penalty, which puts the ball at the 1 and they'll go for two now. Hurts keeps it and it's 29-17.


Al and Kirk talk about John Metchie III, the Texans rookie receiver who's getting cancer treatment. This catch is also getting overturned. Why is this taking so long? Hargrave with his fourth sack in two games. Big catch by Dorsett on a blown coverage. DPI on White keeps the drive going. Reddick with a pass breakup? What? Hargrave with ANOTHER sack. Bradberry with a interception that may or may not stand. Illegal shift on the offense. That's a wrap.


Eagles do a long count on 4th and short and sneak for it. Wait, what? Did someone call time out? They do it again and Hurts gets it again. 8-0! (Eagles 29, Texans 17)

Signal Finder: MIN @ WSH, BUF @ NYJ, LV @ JAX (end), LAR @ TB

It's Cousins' first time back in Washington. (where he was under 500 as a starter.) Kristina Pink tells us that Cousins doesn't consider this a revenge game. Maybe the Commanders should. Commanders debuting their new black uniforms at home. T.J. Hockenson with his first Vikings catch. No idea why the Lions traded one of their five good players unless they didn't think he'd re-up. Touchdown Jefferson, his first in a while. That's a good punt. Adam Thielen lives! Feels like he's been quiet this season. Who hasn't been quiet today is this Commanders front, which is a big reason the Vikings haven't really done anything since that opening touchdown. Unfortunately for the Commanders, Heinecke's been off-target a lot. Except that time, when he finds McLaurin on third and 10 to get into field goal range. Slye sneaks it inside the right upright. Thielen with a nice running catch downfield. The Vikings' center is down, which leads to a delay of game two plays later. Cousins throws for Jefferson into the end zone, but it's knocked away — and intercepted! Jefferson was well covered. That wasn't going to work. 7-3 Vikings at halftime. Curtis Samuel goes up and catches a duck over three defenders, rolls into the end zone, and somehow isn't touched! The back judge got caught up in all that and ended up on his back.


This might stand, because I don't think Harrison Smith touched him until after the ball broke the plane. Call STANDS. Touchdown! Vikings get a stop on 4th and 1 on the next drive. Heinecke with the spin move! They call him short of the first down and Rivera challenges. Call stands and it's 3rd and 1, and the Commanders are down to one time out with 1:41 left in the third quarter. Jet sweep! Who is Dax Milne? Cousins takes a shot from Payne. This front four has been in the Vikings' backfield all game long. Field goal is good. Heinecke throws up another absolute air ball that Smith picks off. Cook with the one-handed grab in the end zone. We're tied! Field goal is good... but there's a flag against the Commanders, and the Vikings take the first down instead. Now the Commanders can't stop the clock. Field goal is good with 12 seconds left.


Antonio Gibson gets it, seems to be looking for someone to pitch it to, but can't get out of bounds! LOL. (Vikings 20, Commanders 17)


To reiterate: The Jets kicker SLIPS AND FALLS on the kickoff. Christ. Allen out here fucking up. Jets ball. Knox stretches for a first down. All that to hand it off to Singletary on 2nd and 1. Allen keeps it and dives to the goal line. Touchdown! Wait, did the ball break the plane? Doesn't look like it on replay. They say it didn't, but Allen sneaks it on the next play. Wilson down. Now he's headed for the medical tent. Zeurlein hits from 53. Wilson back in but he throws too high for Mims on third and 7. Allen takes off down the far sideline and outruns the Jets for a 36-yard score. Saleh about to waste a challenge on a spot. Yep, call stands. Then they get it. Garrett Wilson with a clutch grab. Touchdown Michael Carter, the running back. (The Jets have another Michael Carter on defense.) Bills already close to field goal range. Eagle notes that there's been no wind at the Meadowlands as Bass tires a 55-yarder. Nope. 14-10 Bills. Jets with the fake punt! Skycam has malfunctioned. A wire snapped and it's just kind of hanging there a couple feet off the ground. We drop in on Dolphins-Bears for a bit while they fix it. Wilson gets sacked and fumbles and the Bills have it!


Sauce Gardner picks off Allen! Touchdown James Robinson! Man, it really feels like Allen's kept the Jets in this game. I don't know where that throw was going.


Me, last week: "The Jonas Brothers are playing Cowboys Thanksgiving halftime. I wonder what third-level act Detroit's getting stuck with." Well, it's Bebe Rexha, with David Guetta, which might bump it up to second level? Carter running HARD. Two minutes left and it's first and goal. Miller stuffs James Robinson. Wilson keeps it and gets to the 2. Bills get a coverage sack, call their last time out, and force a field goal try. Zeurlein hits it. Diggs with a great toe-tapping catch that won't count because of offensive holding. Allen sacked and fumbles! The Bills recover, but lose quite a few yards. Fourth down, and Allen looks for Davis... incomplete! That's MASSIVE. (Jets 20, Bills 17)


Mixon has four touchdowns in the first half. Mayfield back in at QB for the Panthers, not that it'll matter. (Bengals 42, Panthers 21)


Cameron Dicker does it AGAIN! He needs a regular gig. (Chargers 20, Falcons 17)


It is, and no, he won't be. He might retire before going through this again.


The SportsCenter highlights of this game were some of the saddest I've ever seen. And I've also never seen Rodgers so angry.


(Lions 15, Packers 9; Jaguars 27, Raiders 20)

CBS can't be happy with how mediocre these teams have been. Bucs get out of a first and 20.


Fournette gets stopped at the 3. Succop makes the kick. Van Jefferson drops a 30-yard gain. Vita Vea with the sack. Near-disaster for the Rams on this punt return but they keep it inside their 10. Cam Akers is somehow still a Ram. Kupp! Touchdown! Stafford threw him a laser beam with Vea bearing down on him with the worst of intentions and it ended up looking easy. Graphic notes that the Buccaneers don't have a turnover problem — they just can't score. Field goal is BLOCKED. Dude jumped over the center and had a free shot at it. Romo explains that it's not a penalty because he didn't use the center for leverage. The Rams can't do anything else on offense, either. Succop tries another one and this time he makes it. Big Rams punt return is called back because of a hold. Is Stafford yelling "sports medicine" as an audible? Gay makes it 10-6. That's a REAL good punt. Nantz says it's the longest in Bucs history.


Vea is terrorizing the Rams' backfield.


What was with that Kupp end around that got five yards? 44 seconds left. Oh God, it's happening again. CADE OTTON? Seriously?


The Rams didn't even pretend to defend the sideline. That's a terrible loss. Are they finished? (Buccaneers 16, Rams 13)



You'll notice Derrick Henry's the only Titans offensive player in this opening. They've showed Kevin Byard three times. Teams get into a post-play scuffle on snap #2. Cris recounts that the Chiefs remembered getting beaten up by the Titans when they played last year, and that dust-up was a message. Mahomes gets intercepted on a free play but he knew the flag was on the Titans. Mahomes runs to the Titans' 23. Holding penalty on the Chiefs pushes them back and they end up kicking it. Tight end screen goes for 48 yards? To their No. 3 tight end? Drive stalls even after Willis does well to avoid a sack. Mahomes to Justin Watson for 32 as Fulton tries to sell that he didn't catch it. (He did.) Reid signals Mahomes to wait and let the first quarter end. Chiefs false start on a direct snap to the motioning tight end. Gets you every time. Swing pass to Hardman for a touchdown. Titans are heated — Jeffrey Simmons is all the way up in Mahomes' face for some reason. Extra point misses. Austin Hooper bails out Willis, then Willis bails out of the pocket and runs.


You see the physical skills: the big arm, the mobility. But you also wonder how he can develop with this organization and this offensive philosophy. There's Henry. Chiefs jump offsides. Henry scores on a direct snap. Chiefs hurting themselves with penalties. It feels like the Colts game. Henry for 56! Cris: "And you forget that Derrick Henry is this fast." Hooper's gonna catch every Titans pass tonight. Touchdown Henry. Punt pins the Chiefs at the 1. As Collinsworth predicted, the Chiefs get a first down and start speeding things up. Refs rule this Mahomes run wasn't a first down, and Mahomes gets sacked on third and 1. Mahomes with a shovel flip to Kelce for a first down. Kelce can't handle the next pass and it gets intercepted! Kelce tosses his helmet in disgust. Bullock makes it 17-9 Titans. Tirico notes how quiet the crowd is at what is usually one of the loudest stadiums in the league. Butker misses AGAIN. Yep, it's the Colts game redux. The Chiefs' offense has stalled. Hooper wants DPI on Trent McDuffie but doesn't get it. Nick Bolton makes a big stop that takes the Titans out of field goal range.


The Chiefs' defense has played about as well as it can tonight. Mahomes gets sacked for the fourth time. Then he takes off and gets 21 on 3rd and 17. Another Mahomes scramble and this one goes for a touchdown! Two-point try doesn't work, but there's a flag. It's offsetting penalties, so we'll try again. Too high for Kelce but there's another flag. This one's defensive holding. Mahomes hesitates, then goes for the near pylon and gets there! We're tied with 2:56 left.


Tirico: "Remember when I said it was quiet here?" Willis sacked on third down. Two minutes! Hardman loses about five yards on this punt return. Chiefs get stopped! Now they're going for it? Edwards-Helaire gets there. That almost didn't work. Mahomes overthrows Kelce by a LOT. Chiefs forced to punt, then the Titans are forced to punt. Hardman with the return he should have made on the last one. Replay shows the Chiefs got real close to that punt, too. Five seconds, two time outs. Kelce with another drop, which is actually fine because he wouldn't have gotten enough yards in time. Was Hardman not told about pitchy-pitchy woo-woo? Anyway, we're going to overtime. Chiefs win the toss. Kelce catches one finally. Noah Gray with a juggling midair catch, but what's this flag? Oh, there is none. Thank God. Hardman drops the pass on third and 1. The Field goal unit hasn't come on yet. They GO for it and JuJu comes through. Nothing open in the next three downs and now Butker comes in. It's GOOD. 4:04 left. The Chiefs have had the ball twice as long tonight. Willis in trouble and he goes down. And again. Fourth and 26, but Freddie Mitchell's nowhere in sight. (Chiefs 20, Titans 17, OT)

Two banged-up teams. DeSean on the field for the Ravens, who won't have Mark Andrews tonight and also won't have Rashod Bateman for the rest of the season, making an already not-great passing game even less great. A bad punt takes a great bounce and it'll roll to the Saints' 15. Flag comes out on this deflected pick, and it's against the Ravens. Touchdown Likely! Lamar's 100th and a beautiful throw. Justin Houston with a sack. Saints' defense getting clowned as the second quarter begins. The Ravens are 6 for 8 on third down already. Lamar overthrows DeMarcus Robinson. Touchdown Drake. Good catch by Olave on Dalton's best throw of the night. A bit too high for a wide-open Callaway. Lutz puts the Saints on the board to end the half. It's Lisa Salters' dad's 90th birthday! Ravens get the second half kickoff. Two misses by Lamar lead to a Tucker field goal. Drake making moves. Lamar breaking tackles.


The Ravens should really be up by more than 11 as poorly as the Saints' defense has played, and it's because of things like this: the Ravens look completely disorganized on third down, Lamar's trying to get everyone in position, and the easily catchable pass that comes out of it is bobbled and almost intercepted. It feels like they'd be losing to a good team. Tucker makes it 20-6. Houston with the interception! Some incredible question dodging by Sean Payton on the ManningCast.


Touchdown Drake and that's that. "False start, everyone but the center." Aikman notes that the center didn't do his job in that situation and somehow doesn't get penalized. Also: "They might need to find a soft pillow for Andy Dalton after this game." Touchdown Saints? Peters just let Juwan Johnson go because he thought he was out of bounds? I can't sit here and say he went out. Buck sings about as well as Don Meredith did. (Ravens 27, Saints 13)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-0) — Following the formula
2. Kansas City (6-2) — Not in their house
3. Buffalo (6-2) — Got the bad ending
4. Dallas (6-2) — Taking some time to adjust some things

BOTTOM 4:
 29. Las Vegas (2-6) — I mean, this was somehow a playoff team last year
30. Detroit (2-6) — May now be responsible for Aaron Rodgers' worst loss ever
31. Carolina (2-7) — Covered in tire treads
32. Houston (1-6-1) — They need talent

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Thursday, November 10, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Present Imperfect

Ravens go right to Andrews, who didn't practice all week. And again. This time it's broken up. Disaster for the Bucs on this punt, as the return man is run into by his teammate and the Ravens get the ball at the Buccaneers' 6. Bucs blow up a quarterback keeper. Tucker field goal is good. Brady to Godwin for 44 after no one covers the outside. Brady throws too far for Evans, but Marcus Peters gets called for holding. (Don't be shocked if those two get into a scrap tonight.) Fournette scores from the 1. Brady overthrows Evans in the back of the end zone again.

The Ravens' defense holds (!) and the Bucs are forced to kick. Jebus, Shaq Barrett had a clean run at Lamar because the offensive line was clearly anticipating another play. Lot of flags in this game. Intentional grounding leaves the Ravens with 3rd and 36. And now Andrews is headed to the locker room. Footage of Tyler Linderbaum wrestling Tristan Wirfs in high school. Then they both went to Iowa and now they're on opposite sides again. Ravens have 4th and 2 from the Tampa 10. You think a pass is coming here? They're in shotgun. Pass is broken up in the end zone. They're really pushing next week's game like the Texans are any good. Halftime! And the stream completely drops. Lot of Duvernay on this first Ravens drive of the second half. Drake takes the pass to the corner for a touchdown. Bucs do nothing. Brady's annoyed on the sideline. More Duvernay on the Ravens' next drive.

Lamar finds Isaiah Lively in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. That's how it's done. Evans! He pulled that away from Humphrey. What happened on Sunday, dude? Duvernay's been outrunning Bucs defenders all night, and this time it's worth six. Brady sloughs off the field again.

I mean, did he ever? Succop makes it 24-16 with five minutes left. Big run by Drake. Tucker on for another field goal. Al: "This guy is unkiboshable. I think." Harbaugh looks good for 60. Brady's really getting beaten up on this drive. This touchdown won't matter.

Two-point try fails twice after a Ravens penalty. Lamar finds a fan's sign that says "#8 #7 PAY 'EM NOW!" He SIGNS it. Your fave could never. (Ravens 27, Buccaneers 22)

Signal Finder: PIT @ PHI, CHI @ DAL, NE @ NYJ (end), CAR @ ATL (end), NYG @ SEA

Pickett gets plastered on third down.


There's still smoke on the field from the Eagles' entrance. They go for it on 4th and 2 from the Steelers' 44 and Hurts makes a risky flip to Goedert for the first down. That almost didn't work. A.J.!!! Double covered and he went up and got it. Bradberry gets called for holding on a sack. Freiermuth wide open. Pickett scramble. Apparently Brandon Graham got caught trying to simulate the count or something? So the Steelers pull the field goal unit off and they go for it. It's a snap to Claypool, who throws to Derek Watt for a touchdown. (T.J. is not back.)

Hurts has looked slightly off so far. Goedert wide open. Back shoulder throw leads to touchdown no. 2 for A.J. Pickett throws a ball through both Freiermuth's and Epps's hands. That's THREE for A.J.! He was doubled on that one, too. He'll get flagged for taunting but whatever.

Another acrobatic Pickens catch, but this one gets called back for OPI, a call Romo doesn't particularly like. Pickens tries it again but Bradberry knocks it out. Announcers think he caught it and are imploring the Steelers to throw the challenge flag. They don't and Pickett scrambles for nine. They give it to Harris and he gets the first down. Jordan Davis being helped off. Eagles seal the vault and Nick Skiba makes it 21-10. (No Boswell this week, either.) Hurts gets sacked twice on the ensuing drive. Then Hargrave sacks Pickett to end any hopes they had. Eagles get the second-half kickoff. Sanders breaks a run. Touchdown ZACH PASCAL. Romo shouted "Oh my God!" when he came open. And he was OPEN. 28-10. Steelers run a fake punt on 4th and 2 and it works.

Eagles defense finally gets a stop and the Steelers kick. Kickoff goes out of bounds. Brown's drop is followed by a great one-handed catch by Goedert. Kelce's dad and brother in the house. Eagles punt and this gets adventurous. It gets knocked down at the 1, then a Steeler picks it up and gets knocked back into the end zone. Another holding call on Bradberry, who's not having a great game. Hargrave chases down Pickett and forces a fumble! Eagles ball. Brown gets caught from behind at the 10 or that may have been touchdown #4. This is the Eagles' FIRST snap in the end zone, and there won't be a second, as Sanders goes left and gets to the pylon.

Minshew in with eight minutes left. Welp. (They do go to Houston Thursday night.) Kelce's wearing a Batman mask on the sideline. Which one is he?

Nantz and Romo sing his praises, as well as Merrill Reese and Mike Quick, who Nantz calls his favorite local announcing team. Quick's been doing it for 25 years? Wow. Gardner-Johnson with an interception, his third straight game with one. So it's at least four straight days of Philadelphia vs. Houston after this. (Eagles 35, Steelers 13)

DeAndre Swift makes this Lions offense a lot better. Too bad their defense can't stop anyone whatsoever. (Dolphins 31, Lions 27)

Bears are in their crappy orange uniforms again. No one even breathes on Dak and he jogs into the end zone. The Cowboys are doing whatever they want on offense. Dak with a bullet to Lamb for a touchdown. Fields bootleg works again this week. Dak gets 25 on a quarterback sneak when no on e seals the outside. Pollard goes in untouched. Bears try to get too fancy and WR Dante Pettis gets called for an illegal forward pass. Touchdown Ferguson and the Cowboys are just pouring it on. Fields gets hit and Diggs picks off the throw, but he got hit in the head, drawing a roughing penalty. Touchdown N'Keal Harry?!? The Cowboys should be ashamed. Eddie Jackson picks off Dak with 30 seconds before halftime. Cowboys jump offside. The Bears get a field goal (because they can't throw the ball) to make it 28-17 Cowboys at halftime. Bears go three and out. It's been 20 YEARS since Emmitt set the rushing record? He joins Adam Amin and Moose in the booth. This fumble's getting overturned. Fields to Mooney for 36! Touchdown Khalil Herbert. Bears go for two but don't get it. Dak to Schultz twice in a row. Touchdown Pollard and it's 35-23. Parsons picks up a fumble and he'll score.


Fields trying to keep the Bears in this game with a first down run. Donovan Wilson heads off for the Cowboys and Amin says they saw him spitting up blood during the break. Thanks for THAT. Now Jaron Kearse is down. Touchdown Cole Kmet? Sure, fine. Pollard goes for a 54-yard touchdown and this may finally be over. Herbert with a big run. The Bears have rushed for 200 yards in three straight games, but that's not gonna help them score 20 points in 9:35. The Jonas Brothers are playing Cowboys Thanksgiving halftime? I wonder what third-level act Detroit's getting stuck with. (Cowboys 49, Bears 29)

This is on Zach Wilson. (Patriots 22, Jets 17)

TOUCHDOWN D.J. MOORE! He dove for it and caught it! Twelve seconds left! And a perfect throw from P.J. Walker, by the way. But Moore took his helmet off after the score and got penalized, so the PAT is now 48 yards. Missed it left! We're going to overtime. Mariota throws a terrible pick. Piniero misses again!


Mariota runs for 30! Koo on with two minutes left. It's GOOD. Falcons "lead" the NFC South. (Falcons 37, Panthers 34, OT)

If they were playing anyone but the Texans, this could go horribly for Willis. The ironic thing here is that I was deathly afraid the Texans would take him at 3 overall. Just give it to Henry, kid. (Titans 17, Texans 10)

Both Metcalf and Lockett starting for the Seahawks. Direct snap to Walker gets the Seahawks a quick first down. Adoree' Jackson saves a touchdown. The Seahawks hide Lockett in the backfield on fourth and 1, then throw it to him for the first down. Geno scrambles to the 5, which is still a yard short. Seahawks go for it AGAIN and get it on a shovel pass to Dissly. Touchdown Metcalf. Barkley gets tripped up. Now Jackson strips the ball from Lockett on this punt and the Giants have it at the Seahawks' 2. Barkley scores. Leonard Williams finally gets a sack. McKinney comes in on a safety blitz and wrecks Geno. Now the GIANTS fumble a punt return and the Seahawks recover! That's bad. Dude wasn't even hit that hard. Lockett just misses a touchdown. Field goal gets tipped but still goes through, then bounces off the stanchion. Jones gets sacked to end the half. I cannot and do not endorse Laura Okmin's outfit. Slayton with a tough catch over the middle. Seahawks hold the giants to a tying field goal. Lockett drops a touchdown and spits out his mouthpiece in disgust. Field goal breaks the tie. Slayton needs to be the guy in this passing game for the Giants. The Seahawks can't tackle Barkley. Bruce Irvin (!) knocks Jones into Barkley for an eight-yard loss. Gano ties it at 13. Lockett with the tricky sideline catch. Another easy catch for Lockett and this time he makes it. Touchdown. Shelby Harris, who came over in the Wilson trade, chases down Jones from his DT spot and prevents the first down.


Geno and Metcalf can't connect. 6:18 left. The Giants fumble ANOTHER punt return! Seahawks recover! That dude's gotta go. Oh no, is he hurt too?

Walker powers through tacklers and scores. The announcers mentioned it up top, but the biggest reason for the Seahawks' success is they finally got a draft right for the first time in forever, and Walker's been a big part of that. (Seahawks 27, Giants 13)

McCAFFERY PASS?? Touchdown Aiyuk! That has some air under it. McCaffery's backwards spinning touchdown catch puts the Niners up. And there's a McCaffery touchdown RUN. Nobody's done that since Tomlinson in 2005.


The Rams can't beat the 49ers... in the regular season. (49ers 31, Rams 14)

Dateline's Keith Morrison doing the intro. The Packers shouldn't throw the ball tonight. Pcket collapses around Rodgers on 4th and 3 and the third and fourth down drought continues. Singletary breaks off a big run. Packers sniff out the McKenzie end around and it loses five. Allen takes off and it takes two Packers to bring him down at the 1.


Any flea flicker that only gets thrown five yards isn't worth it.

Bills on the move again. Diggs fumbles and there's a vicious scramble for it. It's getting chippy. Bills keep it. Touchdown Diggs, and he gets tackled twice afterwards. I'm gonna go ahead and rescind my "the Packers shouldn't throw the ball tonight" declaration. Because that's no longer going to work. Rodgers looks for Doubs, who has to turn around and makes a great leaping catch for the score! So Quay Walker just got tossed after that altercation. Jet sweep to McKenzie and this one works. 21-7 Bills. I think I'd have to review this Milano play. He may have caught that deflection clean. (The Bills can't challenge because it's inside two minutes.) Rodgers gets sacked. Allen to Diggs for 53! He overthrows Davis on a free play. BIlls add a field goal at halftime. Not a fan of that OPI call on Tonyan. This Bills drive has turned into Allen being forced to run.

The Packers hold the Bills to three, but it's a three-score game again. Packers go for it on 4th and 1 and Jones loses a yard. Allen gets picked off! But Rodgers gets picked off on the NEXT PLAY. Milano got that one. Packers lose James Cook and he gets 41 on a catch-and-run. Jaire Alexander picks off a low Allen throw (that he shouldn't have thrown), then gives the ball to a Packers fan in the end zone seats. And it ends up costing the Bills as Rodgers fires a bomb to Toure! Do the Bills have money on the Packers covering? (Bills 27, Packers 17)

Buck and Aikman broke out the throwback ABC MNF yellow blazers. Peyton's dressed as a ref, while Eli's donned a bad version of the Chad Powers mask. Peyton's wearing Clete Blakeman's referee uniform, which Peyton noted seemed quite small during the Week 1 show. That's tipped — and picked off! It was actually tipped twice, first by Garrett at the line, then by Higgins, who may not have even been the intended receiver.


The return is called back because A.J. Green (not THAT one) was ruled down by contact, but it's Browns ball. York tries a 53-yard field goal. It's BLOCKED. Boyd jumps in front of Green, and Boomer Esiason tells Peyton and Eli that he thinks Green was convinced he had another pick. Garrett fights through three Bengals to get to Burrow. Browns run a wide receiver pass with Amari Cooper — and it's intercepted! Everyone's surprised the Bengals are punting on fourth and 4 here. They show one of Boomer's old Hanes commercials. "I was all about the beefcake, boys." I should mention that we're scoreless with five minutes left in the half. Well, we were. Nick Chubb just changed that. Browns are way too involved in this decision to go for two. It works, but it shouldn't have taken as long as it did. This new Bengals offensive line isn't any better than the old one. McPherson misses from 47, as it just hooks right at the end. That's enough time for the Browns to get York a 55-yarder. It's GOOD and we have an elevener at halftime.

Brissett gets to the left pylon for a touchdown. The Kelces join the show as the Bengals go three and out again. Play action to Cooper, who takes it to the Bengals' 5. Cooper scores on a fade and the extra point makes it 25-0.

The Kelces never actually played together? Jason's three years older and he says Travis apparently had some "eligibility issues." Burrow's been completely out of sync for most of tonight. He's managed to pull it together a little, though, enough to find Boyd in the end zone for a touchdown. Nice catch. McPherson having a rough night.

Brad Paisley takes off his Mandalorian mask. He has a Brian Sipe football in the background on top of an amp. "I think there's a lot of people losing money tonight." Paisley became a Browns fan because of Sipe, which didn't exactly endear him to his family of Steelers fans. Bomb to Cooper! We've seen more of Kareem Hunt than I thought tonight amid rumors he might be traded (the deadline's tomorrow.) Paisley predicts a screen pass. It's a handoff to Chubb up the middle for a touchdown. Ravens-Saints next week. Peyton: "Cooper and Dad are arguing to be a guest." (Browns 32, Bengals 13)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (7-0) — A few hitches
3. Buffalo (6-1) — Not their best effort, really
2. Kansas City (5-2) — Relaxing with barbecue
4. Dallas (6-2) — Gave up 240 on the ground. Is that defense solved?

BOTTOM 4:
 29. Las Vegas (2-5) — Also hired the wrong coach
30. Carolina (2-6) — Truly a catastrophic and unnecessary defeat
31. Detroit (1-6) — We all know what the problem is here
32. Houston (1-5-1) — The road back will be very long

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