Monday, February 21, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Wrap Party

Bengals win the toss and defer.




That's not a good sign. Hey, new graphics! Darrell Henderson's first carry in several weeks gets eaten up. The Bengals take over and the same thing happens. But they elect to go for it from midfield. Pass is broken up. Pass? Come on, man.



That movie's secretly terrible and is never coming out, is it? Stafford finds Kupp for 20 yards. Touchdown Beckham! That was defended well but a great throw from Stafford made it possible.





These two punters are lifers, man. Good job by Chase to not wait until the third quarter to make a big play like he did two weeks ago in the AFC title game.


Three straight incompletions lead to a field goal. Nice work, guys. The Rams offensive players are doing work after the catch. Touchdown Kupp! There's some chaos on the extra point with a dropped hold and a desperation pass that gets intercepted. Bengals run around for a few seconds but nothing comes of it. 13-3, which was the score in the Rams' last Super Bowl, which they lost. Mixon's been the Bengals' best player on this drive. And possibly so far in this game. And then he does THAT. HALFBACK PASS. TOUCHDOWN HIGGINS. (The L.A. Rams' touchdown in Super Bowl 13 was also thrown by a running back.)





Beckham grabs his knee and goes down. Stafford throws deep and is intercepted in the end zone at the two-minute warning. There was a taunting penalty afterwards because someone came off the Bengals' bench. Later replays show it was Vernon Hargreaves, who's kind of an idiot anyway and I'm surprised to learn is still in the league.


Is that the first time we've seen Robert Iler since the show ended? Celebrity roll call! LeBron, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, and Emmitt Smith.


So was that Salesforce ad supposed to be McConaughey returning from Interstellar?


Rams throw deep on 3rd and 1 but it's off target. Half ends without incident. This'll be interesting. Poor Maria Taylor's stuck in the crowd. We've already seen Mary tonight (in a mammogram commercial, of all things). This looks like it's on film. We open with Dre and Snoop doing "The Next Episode", paying off that bet. Second is "California Love." SURPRISE 50 APPEARANCE??



He does most of "In Da Club". Then we flip back up to the roof and Mary.



"Family Affair" into "No More Drama." This bit with the dudes in the cardboard boxes looks like something out of a Jordan Peele movie. Oh, this is Kendrick's spot? I didn't recognize him. Eminem does his hook for "Forgot About Dre" (with "motherfucker" pointedly being muted) before "Lose Yourself" starts. He's got a live band OH WAIT THAT'S ANDERSON .PAAK'S BAND with .Paak on drums.



"Still DRE" to close. The Bengals kicker was out there for the whole show! After the game: MORE OLYMPICS.

Ramsey falls down and Higgins is wide open! 75 yard touchdown! Bengals take the lead immediately.


Oh, he got face masked and it wasn't called (or it was just missed). First Rams pass is intercepted! That probably would have been to Beckham if he wasn't hurt. Now we got a gathering after shoving Burrow out of bounds. That wasn't late at all. Bengals go for it on 4th and 1 and Burrow takes it himself. Donald sacks Burrow on 3rd and 3. The Rams can't run the ball on this defense. Double reverse pass? Kupp throws it way too high. Gay hits from 41.


Didn't recognize clean-shaven Seth Rogen. Stafford gets sacked, then is seen on a training table during this Bengals series. Now Burrow gets taken down inside his own 5 by Von Miller. Considering the way this quarter started, the Rams are fortunate to only be down four at the end of it. Burrow finds Boyd on the run for a first down. Burrow gets sacked on third down and limps off afterwards. Then the Bengals get flagged for a personal foul after the play.


Oh, there it is. A Bengals lineman slapped Leonard Floyd. Stop running the ball, Rams. It's not working. Stafford throws too high for Skowronek.


It's one thing to get cowed in your first Super Bowl with Bill Belichick on the other sideline. But this is McVay's second dance, and he's going up against a guy who's been carried here by his players. Rams knock Mixon back for a three-yard loss on a swing pass. Boyd with a bad drop on 3rd and 9. That's his first drop of the year?? 6:13 left. Akers can't get a 3rd and 1 from his own 30.


Jet sweep to Kupp and he picks it up. That may have been the call Brandt was waiting for. Stafford finds Kupp over the middle for 22. Did he just throw that early because the coverage sealed the spot off? Akers with his first decent run of the night. Rams are inside the 10 with 1:55 left.


Stafford overthrows Jefferson. You know who the Rams really miss down here? Tyler Higbee. Another incompletion on second down. Third down pass is knocked down, but there's a flag. They get the Bengals for holding. Hmmm. His hand's clearly on Kupp. Rams get new downs. Touchdown Kupp, who gets blasted in the end zone. There's a flag back at the 11. Offsetting penalties! Then they flag Apple for DPI.


Sneak goes nowhere. Bengals call time out with 1:29 left. KUPP. TOUCHDOWN. Point after is good.


Ryne Sandberg came up a lot in the replies to this, as did Mark Rypien. The Rams scoring does put their best unit back on the field, though. (Well, except for Ramsey, who's been a little overrated ever since he joined the Rams.) Bengals with a last shot. Chase beats Ramsey again for 17. Boyd gets 9. They run it with Perine on third down and he gets stopped short. Stuff like that is why I don't believe in Zac Taylor. Mixon has to be on the field. Bengals use another time out with 43 seconds left. Burrow drops back but Donald wraps him up and spins him into an incompletion!


He points to his ring finger afterwards. Savor it, big man. Happy for Beckham, too. I"m also laughing like a hyena at this dude:


Seriously, DeSean pouted his way out of a ring because he wasn't getting enough touches. LOL. McVay gets doused in blue Gatorade, paying off THAT bet. Wait, Michele's retiring? And that brings up the even bigger elephant in the booth. Kupp's the MVP.




Hold up, we're just leaving? We're really not going to get a final wrap-up from Al and Cris? That's bizarre. Kinda like this season. (Rams 23, Bengals 20)

FINAL RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
 1. L.A. Rams (12-5) — Jumped through their window
2. Cincinnati (10-7) — Element of surprise is gone
3. Kansas City (12-5) — Live by the flip, die by the flip
4. Buffalo (11-6) — What could have been

BOTTOM 4:
 29. N.Y. Jets (4-13) — It's what we expected, right?
30. N.Y. Giants (4-13) — Need to be honest with themselves
31. Detroit (3-13-1) — Maybe there's potential here?
32. Jacksonville (3-14) — Let's hope they didn't hire 2020 Pederson

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Sunday, February 13, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Reversed Gears

Bengals get the opening kickoff. They go three and out. Good start. Chiefs feeding McKinnon early again.


Chiefs challenge this spot... and win? Sure, OK, fine.


Bengals offering no resistance. Mahomes throws it SIDEARM to Hill for a touchdown. That's just not right. The Bengals are being even more workmanlike on this second drive. It's... actually working? But then they get inside the Chiefs' 15 and throw three straight incomplete passes, settling for a field goal. Mahomes with a deep ball to Hardman for 44 yards. McKinnon is left by himself and he gets 11 on 3rd and 3. Mahomes scrambles again, gets flushed out of the pocket, and somehow finds Kelce for a touchdown.


Not sure running the ball with Mixon is the best choice of action for the Bengals down 14-3. Hardman maybe could have caught that if he'd taken a better angle. But the Bengals were offsides. Edwards-Helaire with a nice pickup. Romo: "How long until you get rid of the punter?" Nantz says, "It's soon." Kelce makes a catch and weaves through traffic inside the 5. Mahomes flicks one to Hardman, who almost dropped it but didn't and walks into the end zone. Bengals pick up a safety blitz and Burrow finds Higgins for a first down. Two minute warning. Mixon run gets stuffed. Why are you calling that? Then Samaje Perine breaks a tackle and outruns two defenders and scores. 41 yards! Hill loses a second stutter-stepping deciding whether to go out of bounds or try to get more yards. Mahomes finds Kelce, then Pringle inside the 20. Time out with 13 seconds left.


DPI in the end zone on Apple, who's having a bad day. Chiefs are at the 1 with nine seconds. They get the second half kickoff, too? Fuck. This could be over in minutes. Mahomes throws it into the turf. Five seconds. Offense stays out. Mahomes throws... a screen? Hill doesn't make it! 21-10 Chiefs at halftime. What was THAT? Walker Hayes is playing halftime and he's drowning out the NFL Today crew, who are on the field doing halftime. That's a logistical failure on someone's part.


Also, yes, this song ("Fancy Like") absolutely sucks and can burn in hell. Chiefs get the ball to start the third quarter. Let's see if they can get the other side of this. Pass to Hill is broken up. Chiefs are punting. Now it's interesting.


Burrow to Higgins for 44. Then he tries to thread the needle for Sample but that doesn't work. Too high for Higgins and the Bengals punt. Hardman gets bumped on the return but doesn't draw a flag. Romo's not buying the contact, either. Hill gets hit out of bounds and that goes uncalled. This drive stalls and the Chiefs punt again. Finally the Bengals find Chase.


First and goal! Ingram sacks Burrow. Then he knocks down a screen on second down. Third down quick pass to Perine goes nowhere. McPherson hits from 31. Replay of the third down play where Romo sees that Perine should have gone left, where his blockers were. BIG MAN INTERCEPTION! Mahomes has to throw that ball higher. Fade to Chase for a touchdown! They go for two and get it! Mahomes gets sacked on third down. Sneed picks off Burrow! But the Chiefs can't do anything with that, either. This offense has died. Burrow gets away from Chris Jones — twice — and runs for a first down.


Another scramble on third down. Higgins! Chiefs force a 52-yard attempt. It's GOOD. Bengals lead with 6:04 left. Mahomes finds Kelce open in the middle of the field on 3rd and 1 for 18. Two minutes. Mahomes runs for 4 and gets pushed out of bounds. He runs around for about 10 seconds and ends up getting three yards after the spot. And that was with Hendrickson trying to knock the ball out of his hands. Was no one open?


Quick pitch to Kelce and he gets the first down. Bengals have to call time with 1:30 left. Romo mentions the scenario that says the Bengals should let the Chiefs score. Mahomes gets sacked again. Not great. Third and goal at the 9. Again, Mahomes doesn't seem to have anywhere to throw. He's sacked and fumbles, but guard Joe Thuney falls on it to save the game, at least for the moment.


Butker on for a 49-yarder with two seconds left. Bengals come after it. It's GOOD!


Chiefs win the toss and the crowd ERUPTS. That's the loudest cheer of this game. Apple jumps in front of Robinson but doesn't get the interception. Then Mahomes throws deep and he does get picked off! Bates knocks the ball out of Hill's hands and into Von Bell's.



Burrow finds Higgins over the middle for a first down and they're in range. Mixon gets seven. Mixon to the 12! Nantz and Romo wonder if the Bengals should just kick it now. Romo jokes about dropping the snap on an early field goal attempt but Nantz doesn't get it. McPherson on for 31. It's GOOD!!! Holy cow.




There was a path for the Bengals, but I figured it would have to be "Joe Burrow throws for 450-plus yards", not "Patrick Mahomes plays like absolute garbage in the second half." (Bengals 27, Chiefs 24, OT)

Interception! K'Waun Williams got a hand on the ball and Ward ends up with it. After the commercial, we se that Warner hit Stafford in the back of the head during the return, and that should have been a flag.



49ers should be embarrassed allowing Stafford to pick up that first down on the ground. Touchdown Kupp. That was too easy.


Garoppolo finds Aiyuk on the sideline but he can't stay inbounds. Screen to Deebo, who makes a couple of moves and just keeps going. He's shoved out at the goal line and it's called a touchdown. Beckham stretches out to save a third down throw. Rare drop from Kupp. Kupp with a sliding catch. Deep ball goes off Skowronek's hands. 49ers got lucky there as both he and Kupp were uncovered.


Buck circles Jarrett Stoll with his telestrator. He does NOT mention that he's Erin's husband. Gay misses wide right from 54. Did that even have the distance? Nick Scott lights up Deebo. Whoa. They pick up the flag because that hit wasn't late. He's back in two plays later. Gould gives the 49ers the lead to end the half. Why is Jalen Ramsey jawing with him? Come on, man. Rams go for it on 4th and short. Not a good sneak by Stafford. They're gonna measure. NOPE. McVay challenges and loses. Aiyuk with a big catch over the middle. Jennings elevates and fights through a tackle for another first down. The 49ers have attacked Troy Reeder in every game this season and found success in all three. Touchdown Kittle! That route can't be defended. Magic Johnson and Leonardo DiCaprio among the other celebrities here. Rams blow a second time out. Big play from Blanton, who's Higbee's backup. Kupp beats Williams for a touchdown. Juszczyk gets stopped on 3rd and 2. McVay challenges, claiming that he also fumbled. I don't know about this one, either.



Call STANDS and the Rams are out of time outs with 10 minutes left. Then the 49ers take a delay of game penalty on 4th and 2? What are these people doing? Then they PUNT. What?


Tartt drops an interception on an off-target long ball by Stafford. Ward hits Beckham in the helmet, adding 15 yards to a 30-yard catch. Kupp follows his blocks and gets a first down. Gay hits from 40 and we're tied at 17. Garoppolo gets away with another one. That should have been picked. 49ers going backwards. Aikman calls that drive "abysmal." Another catch by Blanton, who's having a game. You can't tackle Kupp by his jersey, my guy. Rams at the 49ers' 12. Bosa sacks Stafford from the ground. Take a shot! Or don't. Gay puts the Rams back in front with 1:46 left. Donald's all over Garoppolo, who just throws it out of there, and it gets picked off!


Is that how the Jimmy G era in San Francisco ends? Stafford, McVay and Andrew Whitworth embrace on the field. It was a year ago today that the Rams announced the trade for Stafford.


The Rams are going home... to be the road team. (Rams 20, 49ers 17)
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Friday, February 11, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Four Counters

Derrick Henry back, which also means that the Titans have their entire offense back for the first time since Week 6. Jesse Bates picks off Tannehill on the first play of the game.


Mixon breaks a tackle after a catch and picks up 19. Titans bring a blitz and force Burrow into a quick incompletion. Wait, why does the lineup say "Jackrabbit Jenkins"? Did he change his name? Burrow gets sacked on third down and that may take them out of field goal range. But the Bengals didn't get the play off in time, so it's delay of game and the sack doesn't count. Higgins is stopped at the 20. This is a makeable kick and it's good. Titans do what they should have done and hand off to Henry. Drive still stalls. The Titans are leaning on their pass rush and it's working. Titans pass up a 57-yard field goal but the Bengals are set up like they might fake this punt. Not on 4th and 11 in the first quarter, dudes. Chase with a catch-and-run that would have been a touchdown if he hadn't had to hurdle the safety at the end. That was 57 yards. Another sack.


Slant to Higgins — which Trent Green (subbing for Charles Davis, who's in COVID protocols) points out seems to be the Bengals' go-to on third and long — sets up another McPherson field goal. 6-0 Bengals. Tannehill goes deep to Brown but overthrows him. Burrow to Higgins for 24. This deep ball to Brown IS caught. Direct snap to Henry with Tannehill split out wide and Henry somehow scores untouched. Good block by Westbrook-Akine to seal off Bates. Titans go for two and give it to Henry. The Bengals stop him! Still 6-6.


The Titans should probably cover Higgins when he's in the middle of the field. He fumbles, but the ball rolls right to Chase. Two minute warning. Burrow gets sacked AGAIN on 3rd and 14. McPherson for 54. NAILED IT. And now they're gonna get the ball back with a minute left. Bengals going too short here. Burrow has no one open downfield and finally throws it away with four seconds left. Hail Mary? Nope. Halftime. Burrow finds Higgins again on third down and he would have scored if he hadn't stepped out of bounds. Burrow keeps it and picks up a first down. Mixon goes left and high-steps into the end zone. Foreman with a big run! 54 yards! Mike Hilton deflects the pass and intercepts it!


That wasn't even a play fake. Why do that? Titans get the ball back and Tannehill finds Brown deep. They get another field goal out of it. Amani Hooker with a diving interception off a tipped pass! It's being reviewed. Steratore thinks it could be overturned because the ball hit the ground. Green acknowledges this but notes that the ball doesn't move.


Call STANDS. Titans ball. It's the Bert Emanuel rule. Touchdown Titans! Tannehill with a great throw to Brown, who caught it with one hand after getting turned around.


We're tied with 15 seconds left in the third quarter. Burrow sacked AGAIN. That's, what, seven? Bengals punt. Foreman picking up some crucial yardage. Tannehill to Brown for 20. The Titans sneak on 3rd and 1 at the Bengals' 35 but don't get there. Titans go for it. Deep handoff to Henry and he doesn't get there! The Bengals stopped him again!


They probably should have sneaked it with Tannehill, because that play never had a chance. Oh, look, ANOTHER TITANS SACK. And there's ANOTHER one. That's NINE.


Bengals punt to the Titans' 16. I don't understand why the Titans are running the ball at this point. OH NO. ANOTHER PICK. That's EXACTLY how they lost the Jets game — screwing around with no urgency at the end. Eli Apple made the play on that? When did he stop sucking? Twenty seconds left. Burrow finds Chase and they're already in field goal range. Bengals run it into the line. Four seconds. McPherson for 52. It's GOOD!! (Bengals 19, Titans 16)

Packers get the ball first. Aaron Jones takes a swing pass into 49ers territory. Niners are gonna have to double Adams or something. Touchdown A.J. Dillon.


A returning Za'Darius Smith sacks Garoppolo. Marcedes Lewis FUMBLES and the 49ers recover. That ball got punched out almost immediately. Then, two plays later, Aiyuk fumbles and the Packers get it back. They review it and overturn the call to an incomplete pass. Then the Packers sack Garoppolo anyway. Rushing three, mind you. Kittle with a rare drop. Rodgers gets sacked again. Deebo mishandles a pass. Jones gets stuffed. Kittle with a juggling catch on the sideline. Knee's down inbounds. Niners send Deebo in motion 10 yards behind the line of scrimmage, then Garoppolo has to flip it to Mitchell because the Packers blew the play up. He somehow gets 16 yards. Trent Williams in motion? What? Kittle gets inside the 10. We're already at two minutes? Trent Williams gets called for holding. Garoppolo is flushed out of the pocket and throws a pick on the run! Adrian Amos came back and cut Kittle off from the ball. Aikman: "We've seen this too many times from Jimmy Garoppolo."


Rodgers finds Jones WIDE open downfield. That fooled three 49ers and Jones gets down inside the 15. PROTECT THE FOOT — oh, the Packers recovered it. Field goal is BLOCKED! PACKERS SPECIAL TEAMS. So it's still 7-0 at halftime.


Now it's starting to snow. 49ers send Deebo out to field the second half kickoff and he brings it back to midfield. Then he takes a screen to the 15. Mitchell runs it inside the 5 but gets called for a face mask. Deebo down after getting inside the 10 on third and long. They kick it. Packers go three and out and Samuel's back on the field.


He got away with that one. But this offense just isn't working tonight. Rodgers finds Adams for a big first down.


Armstead brings Rodgers down on third down. Crosby hits from 33. Why is Alex Rodriguez here? Garoppolo throws one into the dirt. Kittle! Rashaan Gary stuffs Mitchell on 4th and 1 and that's probably game. No one's blocked him all night.


Rodgers gets sacked on third down and loses 10 yards. Punt is BLOCKED! Where's the ball? It finally comes down and it's surrounded by nothing but 49ers! TOUCHDOWN! We're tied! That ball hung up there for like 10 seconds and no one looked up. Rodgers almost throws interceptions on back-to-back plays. They end up PUNTING. Two minutes left. Garoppolo guns one to Deebo. Don't know why they're taking so long with the clock stopped. They hand it to Deebo on 3rd and 7 (?!?) and he gets the first down before limping off again. 49ers run the clock down to four seconds. Gould's kicked in shit like this for years in Chicago. It's GOOD!! Dear God.





So both top seeds are out. This just got nuts. (49ers 13, Packers 10)



Fournette back. Pass to Gronk is broken up. Beckham weaves through traffic and gets 19 back of a first and 20. Stafford finds Higbee down the middle of the field. Not sure what happened on that Kupp incompletion — and the Rams got lucky the throw was high or this drive would be over. Fade falls incomplete. Field goal is good. I always forget Suh is still playing.


He gets flagged for taunting and while it's being announced, the mic picks up him saying "Did you see him kick me?" And he's got a point! Stafford rolls left and finds... Kendall Blanton? Touchdown Rams. Brady finds Fournette on a slip screen. There's Gronk over the middle. Did I miss a field goal here? Why is it 10-3? First quarter ends. Stafford goes down on a coverage sack. Then he finds Kupp in space on 3rd and 20, and he makes a move and will not be caught! 70-yard touchdown!


To make matters worse for Tampa, Lavonte David gets flagged for slamming his helmet down afterwards. Al notes that the same thing happened in their Week 3 game, just with DeSean Jackson. The safety never turns around, either! Cris: "The Buccaneers keep screwing this up." I'm not sure the Bucs have the horses to come back without getting some kind of break in another phase. It's gonna have to look like this. They got BRADY for taunting? That'll just piss him off more.



He floats one to Fournette for a first down. Succop MISSES wide right! Stafford pump fake fools Cris and half the Rams. First down Higbee. Gay hits from 44 and it's 20-3. Brady gets intercepted on the sideline! That's actually a great play by Nick Scott to get over there and time his jump. The Rams let the clock run down to 4 seconds before calling time out for some dumb reason. Oh, that's a fumble. That ball's moving. Call REVERSED. Al rightly points out that that could have been the kill shot. Bucs go into halftime only down 17. Devin White breaks up a third-down pass downfield. Punt pins the Bucs at their own 5. Then the Bucs punt and the Rams get a 39-yard return out of it. Akers gets to the 2. Stafford sneak and that's a touchdown. Al makes a Rube Goldberg reference (in relation to the harness Arians is wearing) that Cris doesn't get. Brady finds Gronk for a big play downfield. Donald continues to wreak havoc. A field goal? Really? Then the kickoff goes out of bounds. Kupp FUMBLES and the Buccaneers finally have something go their way. Brady overthrows Gronk deep. Bucs go for it on 4th and 9, and he finds Scottie Miller for a first down. Brady goes to Tyler Johnson and he gets to the 2. Touchdown Fournette. Bucs could have gone for two there and not lost anything, but they kick the PAT instead. Rams go three and out in nine seconds. NOT IDEAL. Von Miller strip-sacks Brady and the Rams get the ball! Donovan Smith's a good tackle but Miller worked him there. Then the snap goes right past Stafford and JPP recovers it for Tampa at the Rams' 36! Jebus.




Brady to Gronk. Another sack! Fourth and 14 and Brady throws deep. It's broken up, but there's a flag. Eric Weddle, who came back last week after being retired for three years, hit Evans after the ball hit the ground. It's correctly ruled a dead ball foul because it was after the play was over.


So the Rams get the ball, but at around their own 25 or so instead of near midfield. Reverse to Jefferson gets almost 20. I like it. Akers breaks off a run. Stafford finds Jefferson again and he gets to the Bucs' 30. Gay is SHORT from 47 yards! What? Darious Williams gets called for interference. Pass to Fournette but he gets slowed up. Fourth and 9. Brady has plenty of time but throws it to absolutely no one. Wild. Bucs call their last time out with 4:07 left. They've got Gio Bernard back to field this punt. He goes nowhere after catching it at the 21. Evans beats Ramsey deep and scores! Akers FUMBLES! Bucs recover! You can't be serious.


Evans falls down and the ball sails past Ramsey. 1:15 left. Rams double Evans in the end zone and break up the pass. Cameron Brate makes the catch for a first down. The Rams call time out, then the refs say that Brate didn't get the first down. Now they can look at it. It's gonna STAY fourth an inches. They DO move the ball up slightly. Brady hands it to Fournette, who goes off tackle and SCORES UNTOUCHED. Succop ties it.


He's done this so many times and it's still unbelievable every time it happens. Rams have 42 seconds.



Stafford gets sacked and has to fall on the ball. Kupp gets 20 and out of bounds. Stafford goes deep to Kupp and he's GOT HIM! Down at the Buccaneers' 9!


They get up and spike it with 4 seconds. Gay comes on. It's GOOD!!!! THAT'S unbelievable.


(Rams 30, Buccaneers 27)



Bills get the opening kickoff. They're taking zero risks so far. OK, they're going for it on fourth and 2 from midfield. Allen keeps it and gets 10.


Bills still not taking any deep shots or big chances on this drive. McKenzie takes an end around out of bounds at the 3. Allen sneaks from the 2 but only gets one yard. They're going for it. They give it to Singletary and he scores! Was sure that was going to be another Allen keeper. Nice work.


An underreported storyline is how the Chiefs have dialed back their offense to not be so big-play reliant. We're seeing it on this first drive here. Mahomes takes off for 34! Two plays later he runs for another first down. Mahomes scrambles left again. He dives... touchdown! The Bills are gonna have to respect his running. The Chiefs are also gonna have to respect Allen's, as he just got 14 on a sweep. Melvin Ingram sacks Allen for a 10-yard loss on third down. Chiefs starting to turn it up as Mahomes goes downfield to Kelce. McKinnon catches a wheel route and puts a lick on the defender. Ed Oliver sacks Mahomes. Bills get called for holding on a third-down sack. Shovel pass falls incomplete. Mahomes spins and Pringle makes a great jumping catch in the end zone! Allen finds Beasley near midfield. Allen with a big run to the left side. Touchdown Gabriel Davis! Two Chiefs DBs tripped over each other, and that's how he got free. Tied at 14 with 37 seconds left. Mahomes finds Kelce inside the Bills' 35. Time out with 11 seconds left. Then the Bills call time out. Butker MISSES from 47 to end the half. Pushed it just to the right.


They do get the second half kickoff, though. Fourth and 1 from the Bills' 46 and Mahomes flips to McKinnon for 26! Offensive holding behind the play negates a Mahomes third-down scramble. (He also takes a knee to the head that doesn't get called.) Butker just sneaks this kick over the right upright. Bills punting on 4th and 1? They might regret that. HARDMAN! He stutter-stepped to freeze the defenders for a half second and then just took off. Butker MISSES the extra point. Allen launches a MISSILE down the middle of the field to Davis, who beats Thornhill for a touchdown! (That's where Mathieu would have been.)


Third quarter's over. Jarran Reed with a big sack on Allen after the penalty. Offsetting penalties on the punt, and the Chiefs elect to make the Bills rekick. This time Hill puts on a spin move, and after some poor tackling by the Bills, takes it all the way back to the Bills' 16. Chiefs try a direct snap to Kelce to an option pitch to McKinnon but the Bills don't buy it.


Field goal is good but also a waste. Allen trucks some poor defensive back. Chiefs blitz and break up the pass to Davis. Allen keeps it but only gets six. Fourth and 4, three minutes left, from the Chiefs' 30. Allen makes Melvin Ingram whiff on a sack, scrambles out of the pocket, and runs for it! It really does feel like the Bills are playing this to leave no time for Mahomes. But they still have to score. And now they've lost yards. Two minutes! It's 4th and 13. Someone just ran onto the field. How'd they get that far? Impressive. Anyway. Travis Kelce doing jumping jacks on the sideline. NO ONE COVERS DAVIS AGAIN. TOUCHDOWN BILLS.


How does that even happen? He's caught, like, 30 balls today. Replay shows what happened: he absolutely wrecked Mike Hughes on a cut. Bills go for two and Allen finds Diggs in the back of the end zone. Kelce with a clutch catch on third down. Mahomes finds Hill in space. He's got room in front of him! TOUCHDOWN!! Dude didn't even shift gears. He's THAT fast. Two touchdowns in 52 seconds.




Still a minute left! No one's used a time out! Allen to Davis at midfield. Emmanuel Sanders sighting! Touchdown. Gabriel. Davis. Again. Like, what are they doing out there?





Thirteen seconds left. Chiefs get 19 on a quick pass. Mahomes finds Kelce down the middle! Time out and they've got a shot. Butker from 49. IT'S GOOD!! OVERTIME.






Chiefs win the toss and take the ball first because why wouldn't they. Somehow Hardman's left open on the right side. He gets 26 to the Bills' 9! Kelce in the corner! There's a discussion but that looks good to me. TOUCHDOWN. What a game. I'm exhausted. (Chiefs 42, Bills 36, OT)
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Thursday, February 10, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Pass The Heat

PLAYOFFS. Welcome to Cincinnati. Tirico and Brees on the call. No player intros? Raiders get the ball first. Raiders going up-tempo early. Have they called a run yet? They would have if they hadn't false started just then. Third and short pass is broken up. Carlson hits from 47 into the wind. Mixon takes a screen to the Raiders' 10. Burrow with a laser to Uzomah for a touchdown. He does the Ickey Shuffle afterwards. 7-3 Bengals. Carr gets stripped of the ball and the Bengals recover. He's always had problems with that. Also, you can't block Trey Hendrickson with just your second-string tight end. Bengals get three more. Peyton Barber makes a terrible mistake fielding a kickoff near the sideline. He wasn't out of bounds, so the Raiders are stuck at their own 2 instead of their 40. Second quarter begins with an almost safety. Not sure how that wasn't one, really. That's a good punt. Desmond Trufant's still in the league? He's on the Raiders and wanted an OPI flag on Chase on a big play inside the 10. He wasn't going to get it — there wasn't enough there, I don't think. Burrow gets sacked on third down, forcing another field goal.


That's how you return a kickoff. BIG run by Jacobs! Mike Hilton chased him down but he got to the Bengals' 12. This time it's the Bengals defense that holds the Raiders to a field goal. Burrow's high school renamed its stadium after him. Burrow throws on the run and Tyler Boyd catches it in the back of the end zone. Was he out of bounds? Officials are talking. Oh, they were checking if Burrow was out of bounds? I thought it was clear that he wasn't. The whistle blew during that? Oh boy. Now we've got a problem. Who blew it? Why? Did they think Burrow WAS out of bounds? Anyway, the touchdown counted.


Carr shotgun run? How and why? Defensive holding adds five more yards. Thirty seconds left. Touchdown Jones! 13 seconds left and the Raiders cut it to 20-13. Bengals get the second half kickoff. We have a few things here. Tirico figures that the refs are discussing whether the Raiders got a time out in before this pass to Chase. Jerome Boger announces that they've ruled that the time out was called by a player. There are five alternate officials on the sidelines for the playoffs to try to make these discussions shorter. It's not working. Field goal is good. So both of these teams' last playoff wins were against the Oilers/Titans franchise. The Raiders go for it on 4th and 3 from the Bengals' 36 and get a DPI flag. (I suspect they might have kicked the field goal if they were at home.) They end up getting a shorter kick and making it.


Bengals are living (or stuck) in the shotgun. Drive ends with a another field goal on 4th and 1. OK, sure. Carr finds DeSean (though the camera doesn't) on 4th and 5. Carr can't find anyone this time and the Raiders end up kicking again. 26-19 with 3:20 left. Raiders call their last time out at 2:35. The Bengals throw underneath to Uzomah but he can't convert 3rd and 11, so the Raiders will get the ball back.


Carr somehow talked the officials into a bad roughing the passer call. He didn't even sell it that well! Sack! Carr finds Waller down the seam! Raiders are at the Bengals' 19 with 1:06 left. Pass to Jones just clears the sticks. Carr spikes it with 29 seconds left. Renfrow and Hilton tangle and there's no flag this time. Carr throws into coverage and it's picked off!



The 31-year drought ends. (Bengals 26, Raiders 19)

This is the first time the Bill Belichick Patriots have been the road team in a wild-card game. At least there's no snow tonight. Announcers making the point that even if you live there, you've still gotta deal with the cold. Bills get the ball first. Allen outrunning people. Isaiah McKenzie weirdly left open on the far sideline for a 7-yard gain. Allen keeps it on a sweep to the right and gets the first down. Touchdown Knox! Great catch in the back corner of the end zone.


Just noticed on replay that the defender has a club cast on his right hand. That's... not optimal for a defensive back. Pats are buried at their own 12. Like earlier, no one covers Hunter Henry on the far sideline. Jones doing his best Allen impression. Bolden drops what would have been a big catch. Hyde with a great interception! That saved a touchdown! My God.


McKenzie with a contested catch for a first down. Allen with a dart to Knox for another touchdown. It's 14-0 Bills with 40 seconds left in the first quarter. Eagle: "Buffalo is feeling like Allentown right now." Just to remind you all again: Josh Allen absolutely sucked in college. For him to be what he is now just does not happen.


Is Stefon Diggs dead? I haven't even seen him on the field, much less seen him catch a pass. Allen escapes a sack and runs for seven. Singletary gets nine and sets up first and goal. Touchdown Singletary! Extra point is BLOCKED but nothing comes of it. Jones misses Henry badly. Then he overthrows Agholor but there's an interference call. Then he gets sacked and loses 10. THERE'S Diggs! He beats J.C. Jackson for 45 yards. Allen slides near the first down marker. They give him nine. Two minute warning. Singletary takes it outside and scores untouched.


The Bills have 300 yards of offense in THIS HALF. I've never seen Belichick's Patriots get beaten down (and up) like this. Even the Falcons Super Bowl, which they eventually won, didn't feel like this. Jones finds Meyers downfield with 13 seconds left. They spike it for one more play. Bills ice Nick Folk on a 44-yarder. I'd want a touchdown here. Kick is good. 27-3 Bills at halftime.


Eagle has put on the jacket Kurt Warner wore during Raiders-Browns. "I feel like I want some Jiffy Pop." Evan Washburn says his halftime conversation with Belichick was "brief." Jones's pass gets tipped (possibly twice) and Wallace picks it off for the Bills! McKenzie makes another play. Touchdown Sanders! Jebus. That was EASY.


Patriots get called for 12 men on the field. On offense. Belichick's out of ideas.


Bourne with a badly-needed big play. Then he takes it on a pitch and gets 14 more. Meyers gets a first down. Camera switches to Skycam for no good reason. Pass to Meyers is broken up. Might as well go for it. Everyone loses Bourne and he has an easy touchdown. And apparently a sex toy has been thrown onto the field. Again. Another catch by McKenzie. Gabriel Davis spins out of a tackle and dances into the end zone. This is incredible.


Six touchdowns on six possessions. 40-10. Oh God, are they gonna give up a punt return touchdown? No, as Hyde does get tackled. Allen goes downfield to Knox, who's ruled down at the 1. BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN for the right tackle Tommy Doyle. Make it seven for seven.



(Bills 47, Patriots 17)


Barnett gets flagged for roughing the passer. Aikman hates it, and Pereira agrees that it's pretty weaksauce. Tristan Wirfs gets helped off the field. He hasn't missed a snap in two seasons. This opening drive looks a lot like the way their first meeting started — the Buccaneers' receivers have plenty of space to work in.


Nelson gets wiped out by an offensive lineman on a screen pass. Gio Bernard with a rare carry and he gets in. Hurts gets swallowed up. Siposs is struggling. Brady misses Tyler Johnson on third and 3. Hurts pass is tipped and... almost intercepted. I thought Jamel Dean had that but it did bounce before it came back up into his hands. Johnson with a good stretch to catch this ball, even though Aikman notices that he hesitated again before the ball got there. Bucs doing what they want so far. Ke'Shawn Vaughn with an easy touchdown. Now center Ryan Jensen is down. They're putting a NASCAR race in the L.A. Coliseum? (The Clash.) The Eagles' offense is still in the garage. Evans drops a touchdown. Barnett and Hargrave get to Brady on third and goal. Succop hits from 34. Finally the Eagles get a first down on an actual play, with a completion to Goedert. Hurts overthrows Goedert. Eagles go for it on 4th and 4 from midfield. Hurts finds Goedert to convert. Goedert watches one go through his hands. That may have been a touchdown. Sanders gets cut down for no gain while Smith was wide open on the other side. Fourth and 10 and the Eagles don't try a 55-yarder, and Carlton Davis breaks up the pass. Why go to Reagor there? Davis will get flagged for taunting. Wirfs is back in but Aikman notices that he's not moving optimally. Jensen's also back in without missing a series. At least the defense has arrived, as they sack Brady again. Big YAC by Goedert is canceled out by a questionable hold on Kelce. Then Watkins is called for OPI. This is disastrous. Watkins! Gets 35 on 3rd and 11. Hurts gets picked off in the end zone. Smith's man fell down but the safety Edwards came over and made the play. He just doesn't have that throw in him, and I'm not sure he ever will. RYAN KERRIGAN SACK???


17-0 Bucs at halftime. Wirfs is ruled out, and his backup is also banged up. Hurts finds Goedert for a first down. Hurts overthrows Watkins, who was open and almost stopped. Reagor muffs a punt and the Bucs recover.


Evans makes the catch inside the 5. HOW DOES NO ONE COVER GRONK IN THE RED ZONE. Touchdown Bucs and it's over. Aikman doesn't get why the Eagles aren't throwing deeper with the cushion the Bucs' defensive backs are giving them. Shaq Barrett picks off Hurts on 4th and 3.


This save on a penalty in the Spanish Super Cup final? Insane. Goalie completely mistimed it and still got it with his foot. Oh, I missed another Buccaneers touchdown. The third quarter isn't even over yet? The hell is a "snap infraction?" Why is Brady still in this game? Scott scores a sympathy touchdown. Seriously, why is Brady still in this game? The Eagles far exceeded my own expectations by having a winning record, much less getting to the playoffs. But this team isn't anywhere close to being a contender, and I'm less convinced Hurts can be The Guy now than I ever was. (Buccaneers 31, Eagles 15)

I associate 49ers-Cowboys playoff games with Fox, so this is weird to me. NANTZ BACK. Noah, Nate and Gabby back on the call for Nickelodeon, also. First play is a pass to Deebo. Travis Benjamin's still in the league?


They're using a different camera angle on the Nick broadcast. Touchdown Mitchell. SLIME ZONE.


Nick Bosa takes Dak down. Burleson: "WE call him the Bosa constrictor." God, he's perfect for this. What a hit. Cowboys blow up a play fake and the 49ers lose 11. Juszczyk catch gets the 49ers into field goal range. Spongebob's in the goalposts! Burleson: "Spongebob's looking a little suspicious about this kick." It IS a 53-yarder. It's GOOD. Spongebob approves! Cowboys try a hook and ladder but Wilson's toss to Pollard was way off target. Second quarter starts with a quick rub route to Deebo. Deebo carry comes up short on 3rd and 3. Gould hits from 40. Cowboys switch to the ground game with some better results. Touchdown Cooper. Garoppolo finds Aiyuk in space and he gets inside the Cowboys 40. Gould hits from 52 and it's 16-7. Field is hazy down there. La'El Collins gets called for holding and Bosa is down injured. No replay of any of that. Zeke gets one after all that. Is this haze the sun glare? Maybe? Oh yeah. That's DEFINITELY sun glare.


Cowboys punt. 49ers content to go into the half with the lead. Cowboys start the second half with back-to-back false starts. Nice work. Armstead takes down Dak. That's roughing the punter, and that's a first down for the Cowboys. Ward almost gets an interception as Dak overthrows his man. (Lamb?) Punt HITS THE SCOREBOARD. KICK IT AGAIN. Nantz: "A mulligan, which you're familiar with, Tony."



Someone's selling Krabby Patties on the concourse. The Niners get an interception! Throw was off target and Wilson never had a chance at it. Deebo with a BEAUTIFUL cut back and he'll score! Cowboys punt on 4th and 2 down 16. Sure. Garoppolo overthrows a wide-open Aiyuk. Cowboys can't sustain anything offensively. They punt on 4th and 5 from their own — FAKE PUNT! First down! And of course they follow it up with a delay of game.


The Ian Armitage (Young Sheldon) rules explanations are also on point. A field goal? Really, Cowboys? Zeurlein hits from 51. Meh. (I was hoping he'd miss just to see how Spongebob would react.) Tracy reports that the Cowboys players on the sideline were talking about needing a turnover. TWO PLAYS LATER, Anthony Brown gets a pick! That's a terrible throw by Garoppolo. Fred Warner's down and holding his leg. That's potentially bad news for the Niners. Prescott keeps it and scores easily. No containment at all. Low ball to Kittle, who picks it and heads up field, but gets gang-tackled and loses it! Wait, Romo thinks this might be incomplete. Yeah, that bounced before Kittle caught it. Third and 12 and Garoppolo can't connect with Samuel. Oh, look, another flag. Illegal use of hands on the Cowboys and that's a first down. We're watching a team kill itself on live television. It would be kind of amazing if it didn't happen to them every single time.


Samuel takes the carry and gets to the line. 49ers defenders are waving goodbye on the sideline. That's hilarious. They measure it and it's a first down. Now they're reviewing it. This is excruciating. I actually think Romo's right about the spot here, though. This took more than five minutes. They're re-spotting it. That's about six inches short. Romo cites the "Tom Brady School of Quarterback Sneaks." 49ers call time out. It works — but the 49ers false started! Good God. Does anybody want this game to end? Now they gotta punt.


Touchback. 32 seconds left. Dak to Lamb for 15 and he limps out of bounds before coming back in. Schultz for 10. 10 more. 14 seconds left. Dak SCRAMBLE? WHAT? And he slides in the middle of the field! What the hell was that? Nantz: "Whoa, I don't think this is gonna work out!"


They're not gonna make it. Dak spikes it but the clock's run out!


The rule is that an official has to touch the ball before it's spotted. Jesus H. "The game is over."


Seriously, a fucking quarterback draw? If there's a bigger fraud in coaching than Mike McCarthy, I want to know who it is.










(49ers 23, Cowboys 17)

Tomlin: "Don't blink." Juju back! About four three and outs to start this game. Hardman with a big punt return. Interception Steelers! T.J. Watt got his hands on it and deflected it to Devin Bush. How many of those have ended up as interceptions for Mahomes this year?


Direct snap to Hardman, who hands it off to Williams, but he drops it! T.J. Watt picks it up and scores! The hell is going on?


Chiefs' offense suddenly springs to life. Kelce making moves. Mahomes flips to McKinnon and he scores. Mahomes hits Kelce on a crossing route and he picks up 31. McKinnon gets into the secondary. No Edwards-Helaire tonight, as I'm sure you've figured out by now. Touchdown Pringle. With the state of the Steelers' offense, that might be enough. Steelers can't do anything and the Chiefs get the ball back with a real shot at a two-for-one. Mahomes to DeMarcus Robinson for 30 and they're in field goal range with 35 seconds left. Sack! Then an incompletion. Mahomes finds Kelce deep down the sideline and he'll score easily. Jesus. That's just not fair. That's the one. Chiefs get the second half kickoff and they're still firing on all cylinders. McKinnon turns a screen on 3rd and 12 into first and goal. Hill flings it to Hill, who was in motion, and he dives over a Steelers player into the end zone. Wait, did they overturn that? Really? BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN.


Chiefs get their two-for-one and that's 28 in a row. We're done here. Harris fumbles and the Chiefs have it. Touchdown Hill. Yes, it happened that fast. How'd he get pom-poms? Why is Kalen Ballage getting carries? He's the worst running back in the league. Touchdown Johnson, like it matters. Nice catch by Pringle on the sideline. Hardman breaks a tackle but gets tripped up from behind. Feels like that only delayed the inevitable. Aaaand it did. Kelce's THROWING touchdown passes now.



shrug (Chiefs 42, Steelers 21)

Was there a Manningcast for these teams' MNF meeting? Let me go look. There was not. OK. Cardinals get the ball first. Nothing of note happens. Michel breaks a big run on the Rams' first drive. But that's all that amounts to. Larry Fitzgerald joins the guys and immediately demonstrates that he could go onto any studio show if he wants. Beckham makes a catch in the middle of the field. CAM AKERS. How is he playing? Unbelievable. His run gets called back by offensive holding but still. HIGBEE. JJ Watt's back, too. Beckham goes up and gets it for a touchdown. Cardinals run a double pass but there's a flag, and one of those was probably illegal. Fitzgerald still clearly rooting for the Cardinals. This isn't a fumble. Rams stay on the move. I'm sure someone was supposed to cover Beckham there but I'm not sure who. Hey, it's the Rock! Touchdown Michel after Eli and Rock both predict a slant. Was he down? Refs decide he was. Sneak doesn't work. They sneak it again? That one may have worked. NO. Overhead angle shows Stafford did get in. There's the challenge flag. Call REVERSED. Touchdown! Rock gives Eli the nickname "Human Carbon Monoxide", because "he's a silent killer." Aaron Donald blows up the spot. Akers drops a ball on the sideline that would have been a big play. Rams down this punt at the Cardinals' 2. A.J. Green takes a shot on the sideline. Refs are discussing if it's a catch or not. That ball came out before he went down. They called it a catch? McVay CHALLENGES. He wins! He shouldn't have had to do that. Murray gets trapped in the end zone, throws it up, and it's picked! Touchdown!


Rock takes a swig. Rondale Moore saves this when he takes it away from the defender. Pass is tipped twice and intercepted! Rock's written this game off.


21-0 at halftime.


Stafford gets plastered on a deep ball that falls incomplete, but the refs throw the flag for defensive holding downfield. Now the Rams pull out a wide receiver pass! OBJ to Akers for 40! Replay shows the wrong play. Griese says he saw them run that in practice and it didn't go nearly as well. There's Kupp. And there's Kupp for a touchdown. That ball came in on a dive and he did a good job controlling it. Murray scrambles for a first down on 4th and 4. Now we got a scuffle. D.J. Humphries took a swing at Aaron Donald? But Donald knocked Humphries' head off, I guess, so he gets flagged. Conner takes a blast at the 1 but spins into the end zone. Two-point try is good. Oh man, Budda Baker's still down. Fourth quarter starts with a Matt Gay 45-yarder. Cards answer with a melancholy field goal. Having Russell Wilson here suddenly seems frivolous. Lisa reports that Baker's alert and never lost feeling in his extremities. That's good. There'll be no Scorigami tonight, I'm sorry to say. (Rams 34, Cardinals 11)

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