Friday, December 20, 2019

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Half-Carved

Not sure who's more anonymous: QB3 for the Lions or this dude singing the anthem. We'll see Trubisky first after this penalty on the opening kickoff. Got a hold on the Bears and a late hit on the Lions, so. Jerome Boger's mic isn't working.




Oh, there it is. RE-KICK. Troy: "I think this happened last week." Buck making sure things are OK between Aikman and Pereira after the tripping debacle on Sunday. Patterson takes it out from eight yards deep (?) and brings it back 57 yards (!)




Trubisky opens with three completions. Montgomery spots a hole and gets to the Lions' 10. Touchdown pass to Robinson and that looked easy. Buck calls himself out for telling Patterson to take a knee on the second kickoff. David Blough, everybody! Went to Purdue, then the Lions traded for him at the end of training camp. First pass misses badly. Blough throws a bomb to Golladay, who roasts Amukamara for a disgustingly easy touchdown! Scarbrough's not an outside runner, Lions. Blough throws on the run and finds Golladay in open field for 29. Bears lose Marvin Jones in coverage and he has an easy catch for a touchdown.







Lions squib the kickoff, and it goes right to — and off — a Bears player. That ball's live... and the Lions have it! CHICANERY RULES. Bears finally get a stop. Miller is hit after the catch and fumbles, it kicks around for a  bit, the refs say Bears ball, then change it to LIONS ball. They also missed a hit to Trubisky's head by Tavon Wilson, and Matt Nagy's equally hot about that. They're reviewing this because it's called a turnover. Incomplete pass, so none of it matters. FOX shows Boger's angle on the Trubisky hit and Buck wonders if maybe he didn't see it. Aikman makes the point that someone should have. Face mask on the offense? That's a new one. FIRST AND 32. Cohen makes a one-handed catch for a short pickup. They get 12 on 3rd and 17, putting the ball at the Lions' 32. The Bears line up to go for it, but get penalized for an illegal formation, giving the ball to the Lions. Good job, guys.




Barry Sanders joins the announcers. "Throw deep to Golladay" seems to be working. Lot of contact in the end zone, and this flag will be on... BOTH? What a cop-out.




Leonard Floyd with a needless shove on Blough to keep this drive going. Field goal is good. 17-7. Wims with a nice catch. Bears haven't been in sync for most of this half as it shows. Field goal is good. 17-10. Can't wait to see which third-level act Detroit gets this year. The Brothers Osbourne? Like I said. THE SOUND CUT OUT. OH MY GOD. Did the lights come up, too? Buck says it's some kind of power issue. It's back! Now they gotta re-do sound check. I assume they are brothers, and named Osbourne, but one never knows. Did it go out again? This is unbelievable. And yet, the Lions are involved.




Buck and Aikman are stuck. There we go. This guitar solo's actually pretty hot. Nice recovery, gents. Montgomery comes in with two good runs after the Bears stop the Lions on their opening drive. Then Slay picks off Trubisky. Robinson had to come back to the throw, allowing Slay to jump in front of him. Miller takes a hit after this catch but still gets the first down. Touchdown! Juggling catch by Hursted, who hangs on, at least to the point where it can't be overturned. He's a Princeton guy and we're tied. Trubisky's going into the tent? That's something. Scarbrough's also faster than I remember. Oh man, Patricia. Fourth and 1? I'd have at least thought about going for it. Field goal is good and the Lions retake the lead anyway. Miller! That play gets the Bears out of a hole and to midfield. Miller AGAIN! To the 2!! Delay of game? Touchdown Montgomery! 2:17 left. You pull this off, you'll be famous forever, kid. Just like Jason Garrett!




Pick! No, it's incomplete. Two straight completions to Hockenson. Bad penalty by Roquan Smith adds 15 yards to this Johnson catch. Blough throws this one out of bounds. Can't get sacked, kid. Fourth and 22. Blough heaves it downfield... and it's intercepted. (Bears 24, Lions 20)

This matchup became surprisingly compelling. Cowboys start with the ball. Lots of Zeke early, both running and catching. Are they really going for this? From their own 19? What?




It WORKS. Prescott flips one to Cooper. Touchdown Witten. Whole lot of going nowhere right now. Bills showing life? These are not long passes Allen is throwing. Not even this touchdown to Beasley. BIG MAN PICK. That's why you don't want Allen throwing deep balls. Man, that's a bad miss by Hauschka. Prescott is sacked and fumbles! Cowboys getting sloppy. And so are the Bills with that bad snap. Fortunately for them, Allen recovered and got the first down on 4th and 1. That miss must have McDermott spooked to go for it there. CHICANERY! John Brown with a pass to Singletary for a touchdown! Cowboys get lucky when an interception is called back because of a penalty.




They still have all of their time outs, which is kind of impressive by itself. Witten gets his customary seven yards. Maher MISSES from 35! He's having a rough stretch. I don't understand your hat, Ellie Goulding. Oh, that's her song? I had no idea. Hold up. Did she really not do "Lights" or did she do like 30 seconds of it and I missed it? Beasley gets his face mask grabbed. How you gonna do your old teammate like that? Frank Gore, pass catcher. CLANG. It's good! (That's not the crossbar.) Haven't heard much from Cooper since that opening drive. Maher misses AGAIN. Can anybody kick in this game? Again, this is how Allen has to be successful — short passes and his ability to move and run. He gets the corner and that's a touchdown.




Prescott with a tough run of his own. Flag coming after that hit? There it is. Prescott to Gallup for... not a touchdown. Gallup's left foot is out of bounds. This'll be reversed and is. Now looking at 4th and goal from the Bills' 6 and Zeke drops it! He wasn't gonna score anyway. Cooper down. That's 1,200 career catches for Jason Witten. Ventrell Bryant's in the league? Good for him. Shame he couldn't have gone to a less hateable team. Bills, man. This was the definition of "showing up and showing out."




Another poor throw by Ryan at least leads to a pass interference flag. It should have been a Calvin Ridley touchdown. Ryan hits Jaeden (*sigh*) Graham for a touchdown. Good day for Ivy Leaguers. Extra point is missed. Brees throws his 10,000th pass — only Favre attempted more. Missed tackle helps Jared Cook gain almost 20 more yards. Cook can't haul that one in. Field goal is good. Hey, Brian Hill made a play. Field goal is... not good. Taysom Hill takes off and he won't be caught. Touchdown! Ryan scrambles and slides with 20 seconds left. Announcers talk about how not-confident Quinn can be in Koo right now. Field goal is... good? Sure. 17-9 Saints at halftime. Harrison spots holding on the second-half kickoff return. Kamara takes off for 29 yards. Saints add another field goal. Lattimore down briefly, but he walks off. BIG MAN PICK. ONE-HANDED BIG MAN PICK. Goodness. Dude stiff-armed Ryan during the return, too. That's just mean. Brees under pressure and he throws it to no one, and intentional grounding is called. Payton's hot about it, and Dungy sees why — either Kamara ran the wrong route or Brees threw it to the wrong place. They ask Terry McAuley if refs consider that, and he says absolutely not. (How would they even know, he adds.) Saints punt it away. Ryan hits Blake in stride. He then hits Chauncey Gardner-Johnson in stride. This is a problem because he plays for the Saints. It's not going well for the Falcons. Field goal is good. The Saints can clinch the South tonight? Really? Payton tries to test the new pass interference challenge rules after Ron Rivera outright trolled him doing the same thing on Sunday. This isn't getting overturned and he has to know that. It's not. Field goal makes it 26-9. That's some poor Photoshop work on Al and Cris in Black Friday crowds. Announcers talking about how quickly the Falcons' championship window slammed shut. Touchdown, Ryan to Russell Gage, whoever he is. Falcons go for two, but Ridley clearly fumbles the ball out of bounds before he reaches the pylon. Quality onside kick but someone on the Falcons left early. Dungy doesn't think he was offside and McAuley agrees. The Saints take the penalty and make the Falcons rekick — and this one's better and the Falcons recover it!




They eventually kick a field goal at the two-minute warning, so it's 26-18. Tirico notes that they still have all three time outs. Onside kick. Did it work AGAIN? Falcons ball!!




Ryan takes another bad sack. Facemask on Damario Davis bails the Falcons out. THROW THE BALL AWAY, RYAN. That's eight sacks tonight? Jeez. Plus six last week. Make it nine, and that's the game. Tirico: "Down to Michele Tafoya. She looks like Matt Ryan — she's surrounded by New Orleans Saints." So is she doing double duty this weekend? What's that about? (Saints 26, Falcons 18)

Signal Finder: CLE @ PIT, PHI @ MIA, OAK @ KC, LAC @ DEN (end)

The pleasantries will end once these kids get off the field. Browns get the opening kickoff. Chubb and Hunt show to start. Sack by T.J. Watt. Mayfield overthrows everyone on third down. Field goal is good. Delvin Hodges starts at quarterback for the Steelers. Mike Tomlin will never admit it, but he made this move at least partially for Mason Rudolph's own protection. That drive lasted... not very long. Hunt gets swallowed up after Mayfield flips it to him out of seeming desperation. Fast first quarter. Chubb with a big run. Borderline late hit here. Touchdown Kareem Hunt. Steelers get a big play from Hodges to Washington, who just got his right foot inbounds. That is close. Browns were offsides anyway. Steelers end up settling for a Boswell field goal. Browns go three and out. Touchdown Washington!




That bears watching. 10-10 at the half. Another great throw from Hodges to Washington. You can't place it better than that. Wait, Deon Cain's on the Steelers now? He just drew a pass interference flag in the end zone. Benny Snell bulldozes his way under the pile for a score. Mayfield throws a little high into the end zone, and the tight end drops it on his way down. Sack! Browns kick the field goal. Mitchell picks off Hodges! Can the Browns capitalize? (No.) Steelers challenge this pooch punt, saying it's a touchback. Gene Steratore thinks they'll win this because the Browns player touches the ball twice. Call STANDS. Oh, well. So it's Steelers ball at their own 1. Steelers chew up the clock and punt from near midfield with 1:45 left. Intercepted by Joe Haden! Throw went low, Landry jumped for it for some reason, and Haden comes up with it. Feels like he's been tormenting the Browns ever since they cut him for no discernible reason.




(Steelers 20, Browns 13)

Is it already over for Nick Foles in Jacksonville? (Buccaneers 28, Jaguars 11)

FITZMAGIC. Darby intercepts him on the first play of the game, set up by Grugier-Hill setting a pick on DeVante Parker. Not really sure what's taking the offense so long to get onto the field. Maybe they were caught off guard? That's a clean catch. Ertz falls down and the pass for him gets knocked down.  Remember when Wentz missed Sanders on a sure touchdown last week? NOT THIS TIME. Dolphins false start on a punt. Alshon caught a pass? Wow. Elliott, who just got PAID, hits from 47. Fitzpatrick hasn't been on target on any throw so far. Agholor breaks three tackles, puts on a spin move, and works his way for a first down, only for it to be called back because of an illegal block. That's a bit ticky-tack. Dolphins running seven defensive backs because they don't have a front worth discussing. Allen Hurns makes a catch. Dolphins bring back the Wildcat! And Alfred Wilson takes the snap and runs for 28. Dolphins going for 4th and 4 because why not. Parker outjumps Darby, somehow stays inbounds, and scores! Wentz hits Agholor through a tight window to convert 3rd and 3. Jeffrey with a tough catch on a good throw. Wentz was getting blitzed and Agholor wasn't ready for that pass. Eagles going for it here. False start? Bleh. (And Agholor actually got the first down there.) Now they'll kick it. It's good. Darby misjudges a Fitzpatrick lob and Parker goes up and pulls it down.




Kalen Ballage goes down with some sort on non-contact injury. Fitzpatrick barely gets this pass off and Wilson catches it at the Eagles' 5. This goal-line sequence is bad comedy. Fitzpatrick pass to Parker is too low. Brian Flores wasting a challenge flag looking for interference. THEY CHANGED THE CALL. I swear this wouldn't happen to any other team.




Y'all still want to bring Jalen Mills back? Fitzpatrick runs right into Jenkins. THE HELL IS THIS? They sent the field goal unit out, but in a complete spread formation, then they snapped to the holder, who throws it to the kicker for a touchdown! Unreal. This is a sick joke. How does no one call a time out? Goedert gets to the marker. First and goal. There have been a LOT of false starts in this game. Wentz misses Agholor badly. TOUCHDOWN ARCEAGA-WHITESIDE! Thank you. Good Lord. Save that ball, kid. Eagles set up to go for two. This takes a while, but Wentz finds Agholor in the corner of the end zone. 21-14 Eagles at the half in a game that's had a lot more going on than it should




Eagles get the second-half kickoff. The Dolphins kicked it onside? The Eagles get it! WOW. Wentz on the move, and he flips it to Goedert on 3rd and 3. Ronde Barber echoing Charles Davis' sentiments from last week that Wentz needs to be on the move more. They giving Jeffery this touchdown? Yep. Two straight catches for Mike Gesicki, the second one over Jenkins. The Eagles can't do anything with Parker, who just caught another touchdown. Extra point is... no good? Must be winded after catching that touchdown pass. The Eagles are moving the ball against a bad defense. Coverage sack forced a 49-yard attempt, which Elliott MISSES. Two dumb things on one play by Jernigan — he jumps offsides and then hits Fitzpatrick in the neck. No idea why the Dolphins bother running the ball. Especially when they've been able to do that. Eagles lose Hurns in the defense on 3rd and 9. Gesicki beats Mills for a touchdown. Dolphins go for two but Fitzpatrick gets sacked. Jeffery draws an interference call on the sideline. Wentz, clearly not used to having receivers open down the field, overthrows Jeffery on the next play. Gesicki tries to jump over McLeod but it doesn't work. Pass interference on Mills extends this drive. Then Parker makes another big play right in front of him. Touchdown Dolphins. Two-point try is successful. 34-28 Dolphins.




A truly terrible third down (bad overthrow of Jeffery, then OPI on Agholor) forces an Eagles punt. They can't even stop Patrick Laird? This is disgraceful. Bradham drops an interception. Then Fitzpatrick finds Wilson for a first down. Welcome, new audiences. NO, you're not seeing things. Jenkins may have gotten away with one. Dolphins going for it on 4th and 1 and Parker converts. This game's over. Sanders out to try a 51-yarder. It's GOOD. NOW this game's over. This is a catch and the Eagles are rightfully challenging it. Agholor's really mad about this. Call REVERSED. Ertz gets it knocked out of his hands by... Eric Rowe? Seriously? Elliott makes the field goal. Onside kick? Nope.




Eagles get the ball back with eight seconds left. Jeffery gets out of bounds. Hail Mary is picked off. It's for the best. Because things don't change if they win, and things need to change. (Dolphins 37, Eagles 31)

BENGALS WIN. That's fireable. (Bengals 22, Jets 6)

We got some WEATHER at MetLife Headquarters. This is nothing to the Packers. NOTHING. (Packers 31, Giants 13)

This game and Browns-Steelers were flexed for EACH OTHER. Interception! Carr's historically been terrible at arrowhead. Here's an uncalled pass interference that will remain uncalled. Yep. Raiders jump offside on 3rd and 7, making it 3rd and 3. Another flag as Darrel Williams scores on a swing pass. It's against the Raiders, because of course it is. That's Mahomes' 70th touchdown pass, and he's the fastest to get there. Raiders fumble the kickoff and the Chiefs recover! It looked like Davis's own teammate ran into him. Chiefs go for it on 4th and 1 for no real reason and the Raiders stop them! Handoff to Hill fools no one. Mahomes throws back across his body and gets very lucky that Lawson straight-up dropped it.




Now it's the Chiefs that make a big fourth-down stand. Mahomes sidearms a high ball that Kelce goes up and gets. Screen to Hill for only about seven yards, but it looks like more because of how fast he is. Mahomes has nothing downfield, so he waits, then takes off to the left and scores with no trouble. PICK SIX. Juan Thornhill! 21-0 Chiefs! Raiders manage to not turn the ball over, but are facing a 4th and 17. Field goal attempt gets blocked into the damn stands. I don't know that I've ever seen that. It's halftime. Wait, Josh Jacobs already has 100 yards rushing? Mahomes misses Kelce in the end zone. He could have dove for it. Touchdown Robinson! Or not, as there were offsetting holding penalties. Field goal is good. Mahomes gets intercepted in the end zone! They're reviewing this... can they call pass interference on this? Because there was some. Apparently they can, because they did. McCoy jogs over the left side for a touchdown after the penalty. Raiders running the ball down 31-0. Commit to the bit! (Chiefs 40, Raiders 9)

DREW LOCK HIVE. Dude was Power 5 Josh Allen in college. Let's hope this turns out half as well. Broncos jump offsides on 4th and 6. Refs call false start on the Chargers and Rivers can't believe it. Announcers are surprised the Chargers aren't punting. Why would they? There's 2:22 left, they're inside their own 25, and they're BEHIND. Rivers goes deep and MIKE WILLIAMS HAS IT. Chargers looking at fourth and inches from the Broncos' 29. Chargers line up to go for it. They're not going to snap it, which never works. It DOES run 35 seconds off the clock, leaving only 19. Kick is GOOD. Lock goes deep to Sutton and they get a pass interference flag! That's 37 yards, and the Broncos can try a field goal. McManus's attempt CLANGS in, but the Chargers called time out. Nobody looked ready on that. They try again. It's GOOD! The Broncos have lost this exact game four times this year. The Chargers, on the other hand...




(Broncos 23, Chargers 20)

The Pats put all of their sick guys on a different plane to Houston. The machine never wavers.
Edelman with a trademark tough catch over the middle. Brady throws too high for Dorsett. Who's kicking this week? Folk had an appendectomy. Kai Forbath! It's GOOD. Brady gets intercepted! Keep your helmet on, kid. That'll move the ball back to the Pats' 21 after the return but what a break for the Texans. Watson to Duke Johnson for the touchdown! Brady misses Meyers deep. Watson scrambles but doesn't get to the marker. Hyde goes up the middle for a first down. Ayers breaks a tackle. Watson with a beautiful flip to Fells, who has clear sailing into the end zone.







BILLS FLEX?? Al just announced Bills-Steelers is flexed into Week 15, replacing Vikings-Chargers. Meanwhile, the Patriots' passing game looks like the Eagles'. They're reviewing this Meyers catch on the sideline. Call STANDS. Brady throws deep to no one. McKinney knocks down the third-down pass. Patriots punt, wisely passing on a 56-yard field goal attempt.




14-3 Texans at halftime. Roby picks off Brady AGAIN, but it's negated by a penalty. Roby with the sack on a corner blitz! Patriots punt. They get it back and White turns up with a big gain. Pats go for it on fourth down, but the pass gets broken up. Texans take over. Fuller beats the defense for an apparent touchdown. Maybe not? Maybe? They'll review it, as all scores are. Al brings up the John Madden equation (One knee equals two feet) and asks if the knee hitting the ground is equivalent to a "football move." I'm not sure I could overturn this. They are.




This one to Stills WILL count. Both of those were great throws, also. Imagine watching botho f them in college and thinking Mitchell Trubisky was better than DeShaun Watson. Marcus Cannon, who isn't good, gets hit with a holding penalty. Meyers gets wide open, possibly because Edelman held someone. Collinsworth discusses how the Texans have rebuilt their defense around their secondary, a necessary shift due to Watt's constant injury issues. Pats killing themselves with penalties. No one covers Edelman and he gets 44 on 1st and 30. White scores a touchdown on a wheel route. Pats line up for two but don't snap the ball. No idea what any of that was about. Now they'll kick it, and Forbath MISSES. Run the ball, Texans. QUADRUPLE OPTION ALL THE WAY BACK TO WATSON. TOUCHDOWN TEXANS. Watson to Johnson to Hopkins BACK to Watson. They're checking to see if the Hopkins-to-Watson portion is a forward pass, but even if it is, Watson was in the shotgun, making him an eligible receiver.




That's just disrespectful. I LOVE IT.




Pats call time out before 4th and 6, for some reason. (This offense isn't scoring three times in 4:24.) Dorsett picks it up, but the Texans challenge, because Bill O'Brien is every bit as petty as the mentor he's beating down tonight. Call stands. Brady steps up in the pocket and White makes a diving catch in the end zone. Two-point try fails. Big play by White? OK. Edelman scores with 50 seconds left. 28-22. Onside kick bounces high, which you've got to have with the new rules... but it goes out of bounds. THE CURSE HAS LIFTED. (Texans 28, Patriots 22)

Dave Matthews raising the flag? Hm. Seahawks start with a run by Carson, who was bad last week. He takes a hard hit on an outside run on third down and gets stopped short. Why are they punting? It's 4th and 1 at midfield. Vikings are without Thielen tonight. Fullback C.J. Ham catches a desperation flip from Cousins, wrecks some poor Seahawk, and rumbles for 25 yards. Diggs makes two men miss on a third-down jet sweep and gets 27 to the Seahawks' 2. Touchdown Cook. Carson still being evaluated for that hit. Rashad Penny in. Josh Gordon converts a third down. Xavier Rhodes down for the Vikings. Wilson throws a perfect slant to Metcalf, who takes it to the 1. Carson back in and he scores easily.




Carroll challenges this Diggs catch, believing he's short of the first down. He's right. Call REVERSED, but the Vikings pick up the first down anyway. Wilson pass gets tipped, then tipped BY Wilson to Vikings safety Anthony Harris, who walks in for a touchdown!




What the hell, Russ? Catch the damn thing.




What the hell, Booger? The Vikings WON the Minneapolis Miracle game. Has he still got the meat sweats?




Field goal is good. 14-10 Vikings. This is a hell of a one-minute drill by Cousins. Field goal is GOOD. 17-10 at halftime. Seahawks force a fumble on 3rd and 6 and the Vikings recover, but lose 11 yards. They challenge, saying it's a forward pass. It... might be? It won't matter too much, as they'll still punt. Call REVERSED. Carson gets a big hole and rumbles for 25 yards. Touchdown Penny. We're tied. FUMBLE. Seahawks ball! Cook AND Diggs down. Oh wow. Catch that pass, David Moore. Seahawks kick a field goal to take the lead. Cook's not back as the Vikings take over. Diggs is, though. Wilson to Moore for a 60-yard touchdown, and he just set Rhodes on fire. No safety help?







Xavier Rhodes is both the Vikings' best cornerback and seemingly ten minutes away from being benched. Fourth quarter opens with Trey Flowers picking off Cousins. He'll be down by contact at the Vikings' 25. That's... probably pass interference but it won't get overturned. Touchdown Penny! It's 34-17. Somehow, Laquan Treadwell ends up completely uncovered. Like, there's nobody else on screen. I think the Seahawks assumed he'd been traded for a conditional sixth-rounder at the deadline. 58 yards later he's in the end zone.




Has he scored an NFL touchdown before? He'll never get an easier one. That's big. Wilson gets caught in the middle on 3rd and 2, deciding to run before a last-minute flip to Carson, which falls incomplete. FAKE PUNT! Fourth and 2 and they get 29! Check out the margin for error in the NFC right now. You can win the division and get a first-round bye, or you're going to Lambeau or the Superdome. Metcalf fumbles and the Vikings have it! Tessitore stumbles and calls him "Decaf." Refs call incomplete pass? That challenge flag better come out, Zimmer.




Call REVERSED. (Offscreen, again.) Cousins gets crunched, lofts one up, and Rudolph saves him with a leaping catch on the sideline. This time they get Flowers for interfering with Diggs. Rudolph with a great one-handed grab for a touchdown! Extra point is... NO GOOD! Vikings get the ball back with 3:27 left. Cousins to Rudolph again. Third down pass is tipped incomplete. Vikings go for it on 4th and 3 despite having all three time outs. Incomplete! How long have the Seahawks been out of time outs? Carson powers through for 11 yards and a first down to get to the two-minute warning. Seahawks kick a critical field goal. Fumble on the kickoff? Seahawks ball. Of course. (Seahawks 37, Vikings 30)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Baltimore (10-2) — 20-17 is the average NFL score, which seems apt here
2. Seattle (10-2) — Turbo-powered
3. New Orleans (10-2) — Remember when nobody could repeat in this division?
4. San Francisco (10-2) — They won't like this loss, but they gotta respect it

BOTTOM 4:
29. Washington (3-9) — Wait, what?
30. N.Y. Jets (4-8) — Same old, same old
31. N.Y. Giants (2-10) — Still looking for answers
32. Cincinnati (1-11) — Confetti time!

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